Stacie Leigh Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Boyfriend/girlfriend in early-mid twenties are over for a visit. Kids ask boy to come play basketball outside. Boy says he can't because girl didn't want to go back home to change before dinner/shopping afterwards so he's already dressed to go out because she's such a 'bully'." Girl remarks that him calling her a bully is "ironic" and laughs. Girl says to boy that she thinks she'll need to eat dinner before they shop because she's starving. Boy responds to me, "Oh her highness hasn't eaten enough today and now we have to work around her schedule." I ask girl if I'm going to see her tomorrow at a party I know boy was invited to (with a +1 option). She says she doesn't know about it but he'll probably tell her later. I ask boy if they are coming and he says to her, "I TOLD you about that!" She says it's ok, but he brings it up a couple more times mentioning different reasons she should have known/did know about it. I know girl ate very little because she's trying to drop a few pounds and they are going to burger joint so I say "Have a burger and enjoy it. You deserve it." Boy cuts in, "WHO deserves it?? Maybe the person who is PAYING for it with a gift card HE was given for donating a huge amount of time to planning such-and-such event for so-and-so." What, if anything, would you think after hearing all of the exchanges above? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 That you're mistaken? They're enemies?? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I would think they went way over the top in an attempt to be funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 That girl needs to find a new boyfriend. Pronto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 That girl needs to find a new boyfriend. Pronto. Or no boyfriend at all. Haven't we all seen too many females who choose the same sort of controlling/abusive/aggressive males, in relationship after relationship? I would think he's abusive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 They are extremely immature. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I would never venture to guess. We can't read tone or facial expression online. We don't know these people or their relationship or sense of humor. From the way you've presented this, I'm guessing you feel something is amiss in the relationship, which is much more relevant than what a bunch of internet strangers have to say about it. I've known people who have relationships where a lot of good natured ribbing takes place. But when typed out in print, it looks very cold and unhealthy. There are so many intangibles to how people relate to each other in person. What did you think of it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Very immature. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 it's a doomed relationship, and will hopefully crash and burn sooner than later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Seems to be a rather contentious relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Very immature. I would think they went way over the top in an attempt to be funny. Yeah, sometimes people want to look playful and end up looking rude. But really, tone and context is everything and we can't really know that over the internet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Or no boyfriend at all. Haven't we all seen too many females who choose the same sort of controlling/abusive/aggressive males, in relationship after relationship?I would think he's abusive. Very good point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Leigh Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) I would never venture to guess. We can't read tone or facial expression online. We don't know these people or their relationship or sense of humor. From the way you've presented this, I'm guessing you feel something is amiss in the relationship, which is much more relevant than what a bunch of internet strangers have to say about it. I've known people who have relationships where a lot of good natured ribbing takes place. But when typed out in print, it looks very cold and unhealthy. There are so many intangibles to how people relate to each other in person. What did you think of it? You're absolutely right which is why I edited it multiple times to try to pull out my personal impressions. I believe that he is emotionally abusive to her. I have personal knowledge of things that he's said that are *in my humble opinion* WAY over the line, but he hasn't said those things in front of other people. These are the type of things that he says in a group setting and I know that it has set more than one person off, but no one seems to be doing anything about it. That said, what can they/we do? If she's put up with it all this time, what is someone going to say to convince her to separate after a couple of years of this? I want to intervene SO SO badly, but I'm afraid all it will result in is him cutting them off from me and then she won't have anyone when she needs support or perspective. Will that make me an enabler or simply a realist that has personal understanding of what a situation like that is like? I wanted to see, if I attempted to try and type out the conversation in the most objective way I could, what others would take from it and if it would make others as uncomfortable as it made me. Of course it's impossible to completely separate my feelings about the situation from what I took from it and even how I presented it, despite my best efforts. Edited August 18, 2011 by Stacie Leigh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 It would also depend on the looks on their faces. Did she look at all bothered by those comments he was making? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Leigh Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 It would also depend on the looks on their faces. Did she look at all bothered by those comments he was making? She laughed them all off without making eye contact with anyone, but she showed up in the first place with red rimmed eyes and a swollen face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen+4dc Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 They are extremely immature. :iagree: This relationship needs serious help. Even if there's no abuse going on, imho you do not speak about someone you love in this way, not repeatedly! Once may be a joke, but that many times in one conversation is a red flag to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterpiller Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I'd say it sounds like they are on the verge of a break up. Especially the part about her not deserving to eat at the restruant. :confused: If she is your friend I think you should say something about it to HER. Not to him, and not when he is anywhere near by. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailofsparks Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I always think the best way for someone to see their own situation as being "less than desireable" is to ask them questions. "I'm curious, so-and-so, how his comments made you feel". . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasharowan Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 They are extremely immature. This! They are probably trying to sound like people that come across as funny on tv, but not succeeding very well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I think it could be a lot of things. They could be in a really unhealthy relationship. They could be really immature. They could be people who enjoy playful teasing way more than most people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I'm the kind of person who would speak up. "well if you feel that way, then you can eat alone." "If you think she is such a bully, high maintenance forgetful waste of your money - then find some other girl. I'm sure she can find some other guy who isn't such an insulting a$$." Really. I have a very short fuse for this. And btw. It wouldn't matter whether it was my dd or ds. It would drive me bonkers. Dh would haul son aside and have a man to man discussion in short order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Sounds like a dangerous relationship. One can only hope that they don't decide to actually get married and bring children into the world. Or bring children into the world sans marriage. Or even stay together at all. Maybe one of them will come to his or her senses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 It would also depend on the looks on their faces. Did she look at all bothered by those comments he was making? See it wouldn't matter to me whether she likes being insulted or not. In fact, it might bother me MORE if she seems to think it is okay to be spoken to like that. None of the comments by themselves would really bother me. I'd probably laugh them off individually. But constant or regularly? That would start to grate on my nerves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 She laughed them all off without making eye contact with anyone, but she showed up in the first place with red rimmed eyes and a swollen face. Eek! Red flag for me! Poor thing. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Am I the only one thinking "it's none of my business how two adults relate to each other".. ? I mean - these are adults, not a couple of twelve year olds who need someone telling them what to do… ..and I think it's a heck of a jump to "abusive".. I don't know why that happens around here, but it does. People hear something that isn't totally peaches and the cries of "he's abusive!" start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Leigh Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 Am I the only one thinking "it's none of my business how two adults relate to each other".. ? I mean - these are adults, not a couple of twelve year olds who need someone telling them what to do… ..and I think it's a heck of a jump to "abusive".. I don't know why that happens around here, but it does. People hear something that isn't totally peaches and the cries of "he's abusive!" start. Read the rest of the thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Read the rest of the thread. I read the thread before I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidi Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 He's abusive!!!!!!:willy_nilly: I was making a joke. Sort of. He sounds like a jerk. She needs to know that real gentlemen don't talk that way to someone they care about, not even in jest, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I'm the kind of person who would speak up. "well if you feel that way, then you can eat alone." "If you think she is such a bully, high maintenance forgetful waste of your money - then find some other girl. I'm sure she can find some other guy who isn't such an insulting a$$." Really. I have a very short fuse for this. And btw. It wouldn't matter whether it was my dd or ds. It would drive me bonkers. Dh would haul son aside and have a man to man discussion in short order. :iagree: My brother tends to think he's being funny in saying insulting and IMO abusive things to his girlfriends, now his wife, along with my mother and I. He really thinks he's being funny and playful. Hes so not. I have NO qualms about calling him or any other man out when they're being like that. I would tell him all of the time what kind of a$$ he was being... till I blocked him on FB and blocked his phone for stepping over my personal boundery line one too many times. It might be this guy really thinks he's being funny, and can't really understand why no one else thinks so. That's the way it is with my brother. His male role models were lacking. :glare: And the ones that were there pretty much stunk, and they treated their wives the same way he treats us. It's a learned behavior, and one he's got to get some therapy to work through. But, calling him out is usually a good first step. He might get mad at first, but I bet he thinks about it for a while. If she chooses to stay with him, there's nothing really you can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I would think they went way over the top in an attempt to be funny. :iagree: I guess I wouldn't read too much into it. Some couples just have a different tone than others. I'd let them work it out. I have a BIL that has been talking to his wife like that for years. It would drive me bonkers, but they seem otherwise happy enough so live and let live! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Am I the only one thinking "it's none of my business how two adults relate to each other".. ? I mean - these are adults, not a couple of twelve year olds who need someone telling them what to do… ..and I think it's a heck of a jump to "abusive".. I don't know why that happens around here, but it does. People hear something that isn't totally peaches and the cries of "he's abusive!" start. It *is* abusive. Just what she repeated here...it's abusive. He's seeking to control her with his words. It's abusive. Just b/c she happily takes it, does NOT make it OK. She will hopefully wake up to what is going on at some point. I'd give her some literature on what verbal/emotional abuse entails...and what it leads to. I'd let her know that you are ALWAYS there for her no matter what...and then you have to let her make decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I have a question for those of you who think it is abusive on the guy's part. Would you feel that way if the girl gave it right back to him? I ask because we do this kind of thing in our family. My siblings and I go back and forth like that and we do the same back and forth with our spouses. It's all innocent. We don't take it too far, but we all play around like that a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 The comments from each of them sound full of contempt. Even if they're *trying* to be funny, the way they're doing it sounds like they're both full of anger and hurt. NOT a good situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I would ask her if she is bothered by the way he speaks to her. Maybe she would appreciate someone reaching out and giving her an opportunity to let her guard down. I would tell him that you are very uncomfortable with the way he talks to her - that whether he means to be rude or not, it comes across rude and isn't appropriate around your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I would ask her if she is bothered by the way he speaks to her. Maybe she would appreciate someone reaching out and giving her an opportunity to let her guard down. I would tell him that you are very uncomfortable with the way he talks to her - that whether he means to be rude or not, it comes across rude and isn't appropriate around your children. Yep. Rude is the way I'd see it also. I'm assuming they were guests in your home? I would have pulled them both out of earshot of the kids and gave them a verbal primer on Respectful Guest Behavior 101 quickly. It put the host in a weird position of disrespect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I have a question for those of you who think it is abusive on the guy's part. Would you feel that way if the girl gave it right back to him? I ask because we do this kind of thing in our family. My siblings and I go back and forth like that and we do the same back and forth with our spouses. It's all innocent. We don't take it too far, but we all play around like that a lot. I have no idea if they are being abusive or not. I do know it wouldn't matter whether it was the girl or the guy doing it. I think some rough banter can be fine and likely not bother me. (which I already said) But it would bother me if they seem to always be like that. It's rude. It's not funny. And it sours the atmosphere. I don't allow my kids to do it to each other either. It sounds hateful and I can't stand listening to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) Each should go separate ways. We don't know to what extent the girl needles the boy in private. Nonetheless, the boy sounds insufferable. Even if she is very sweet-natured, no girl should tolerate such conversation. If they were to marry, heaven help them! Women with experience of abusive boyfriends/partners/husbands would not consider it any "heck of a jump" to suspect an abusive relationship between these two people described. Arriving with facial evidence of hard crying, and avoiding eye contact are scarlet signal flags, when combined with the insulting remarks from the boyfriend. That girl needs to find a new boyfriend. Pronto. Edited August 18, 2011 by Orthodox6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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