:( I'm sad...

[vontinney]

Last January we pulled our DS out of school (this county has the worst schools in VA) mid-way through 6th grade. We finished up 6th grade and here we are ready to begin 7th. However, we're moving next month...and the school system we're moving INTO is one of the best in the state.

 

DS has a friend over that spent the night and this friend talks about all his friends, etc... Well apparently it was the straw that broke the camel's back last night and DS went and talked to DH for an hour or so. They came back in and apparently DS had been sobbing because he misses having friends and the interaction but doesn't want to hurt my feelings by going back to school. I've told him that we plan on joining some groups when we move-there are so many more groups and activities where we're moving to. He doesn't really want to join co-ops and meet people that way (I'm frustrated because I'm sitting here thinking..what the heck? You don't want to meet people the way you need to meet them as a homeschooler but you're lonely?!? Every time I wanted to go do something with some of the groups in town he didn't want to go and now he's complaining because he's lonely?!?)

 

So anyway, DH told him he would allow him to make the decision to homeschool or not after we move. I've already got all the curriculum for next year so this is making me crazy...and to get him ready for school is going to be a challenge since he has to have a physical and all that happy stuff, in the middle of a move, mind you. How can a 13-year-old possibly know what's best for himself? Do you leave that decision to them? (I'm thinking not but then what do I know...I'm just the person who will have to end up driving him to school when he has issues being bullied on the bus (thinking of past experience)...

 

Anyway, wanted to vent...I'm frustrated, sad (we had a child that was depressed and distant when he was going to school....now we have a wonderful relationship with him and I will miss the daily interaction we had during school), annoyed, etc. I guess he has to learn the grass isn't always greener on his own but at what point do you say NO MORE BACK AND FORTH...either be a homeschooler or a student at public school?!?

 

Thanks for listening. :)

[Peela]

That is soooo hard. :grouphug:

Is your dd homeschooling too? Woudl you then be having one at school and one at home? That could be a good reason to keep them together at home for "just another year".

I had to let go of homeschooling a while back and it was very hard.

Its easier when you are pretty sure its the right thing for this particular kid in this particular situation.

[vontinney]

Yes, dd is staying home...I did ask her if she wanted to try the new school system and she said, "no way". She's going to be in 3rd grade...ds is going into 7th, so they're in different schools at this point anyway.

 

I'm having a really hard time removing my emotions from the situation and seeing it diplomatically. :confused:

[Mama2Many4]

Socializing with same age peers at a public institution is NOT what's important. Getting ready for real life is what's important. His education that he's getting at home FAR surpasses anything that the public schools could offer. I wouldn't leave such an important decision up to him. If it was something that you and your DH decided, that would be different. But he doesn't get to chose as the child. I would continue homeschooling and join up with groups. Show him the fun, adventure and learning that homeschooling has to offer. I feel for you.

[Terabith]

I will be the dissenting voice here. It sounds as if he is thoughtful and concerned. And to be honest, joining homeschool groups is NOT the same as a school. In a school, there is the day to day constant interaction in casual ways. In a co-op, you are more sporadic in your interactions and there is not the casual, back and forth relationships. You also don't have the diversity of people. You have to work a lot harder at having friends. It's not bad, but it IS different, and I can definitely see how an adolescent might crave that socialization.

 

If your dh thinks it is something to consider, I would give it a trial run, maybe a semester. It sounds like something he feels strongly about, and I think some weight needs to be given to that.

[bettyandbob]

even in the "best" county middle school is unpleasant. Some kids do well in middle school, but in general middle school is unpleasant everywhere. If it were up to me I'd try to keep him home through middle school and give him the choice for high school. I did this with my oldest and I am convinced it was the best thing we could have done. Typically, new bullying stops in high school, but bullying kids who have already been bullied does not. Because my ds has social issues he's an easy bully target. Middle school would have been a total disaster and that would have carried into high school because all the kids for one middle school go to high school together. Starting in high school though, ds has not really had a serious bully issue.

 

My dd negotiates social issues better and she started middle school this year. I'm lucky that at 13 she talks to me a lot. There have been fighting incidents and bullying incidents that she's witnessed. Her lunch table group developed mean girl behavior (a group of girls in gifted classes) and dd decided not to eat with them during the time they ostracized another girl. dd had a teacher who bullied a student. dd did well academically and we don't regret her being in that school, but based on the incidents she told me about I know it would have been a disaster for ds.

 

You might want to think closely about your ds's personality and social behavior to try to think how it will mesh with the middle school environment.

 

I suspect you are moving to my county.

[DawnM]

Well, it is up to you and your DH. It sounds like DH already told him he could make the decision. But it doesn't sound like it is sitting well with you. That would make me crazier than sending my son to school (having Dh and the son make the decision without consulting me.)

 

Can you have a heart to heart with DH and share your concerns and discuss possibly waiting a couple more years???

 

Dawn

[Jenny in Florida]

Well, it is up to you and your DH. It sounds like DH already told him he could make the decision. But it doesn't sound like it is sitting well with you. That would make me crazier than sending my son to school (having Dh and the son make the decision without consulting me.)

 

 

That's what I was thinking.

 

This is simply too big a decision for one parent to make, especially when it's the other parent who has been most involved in doing the work.

 

It may be water under the bridge, since your husband already told your son he could make the decision, but that would make me extremely upset.

 

It may well turn out that school is a great experience for your son. However, given the circumstances under which this choice was made, I think you have every right to feel sad.

[snickelfritz]

Well, it is up to you and your DH. It sounds like DH already told him he could make the decision. But it doesn't sound like it is sitting well with you. That would make me crazier than sending my son to school (having Dh and the son make the decision without consulting me.)

 

Can you have a heart to heart with DH and share your concerns and discuss possibly waiting a couple more years???

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Ideally, both parents need to agree on a decision like this. I would be irritated if my dh made that decision and told the kids without us having talked about it. But, his opinions also matter as much as yours do. And at this point, with ds wanting to go and him knowing your dh is for it......you could have a battle on your hands. You may not have many options left, but letting him try it. Otherwise, you are the bad guy in the situation.

 

My older dd is going to school next year. Dh was the primary person pushing for it, though I am not against it.

[Mimm]

I'm going to disagree with most people here and say that a child your son's age deserves some say in his life. I don't think he's too young to make this decision. I would put him in for a while and if it goes badly, at that point I would put my foot down and say that he needs to finish out his high school at home. It's possible that once you get settled into your new town, get your daughter all involved, he'll see that she's happy and has made friends and stays busy, plus gets to enjoy all the freedom and flexibility that homeschooling offers and he'll want to join her.

[Matryoshka]

Well, it is up to you and your DH. It sounds like DH already told him he could make the decision. But it doesn't sound like it is sitting well with you. That would make me crazier than sending my son to school (having Dh and the son make the decision without consulting me.)

 

That would irritate me no end as well.

 

I have two 13yos. Middle school is not a fun time even at the best school. We have a "wonderful" school in my town with an excellent reputation and I still wouldn't consider sending them. It's not the school so much as the building full of hormonal kids and all the nastiness that entails. I told them middle school is non-negotiable. Pretty much the wost three years of school.

 

I am considering the high school, though. Then the hormones at least have started to abate (or they're getting used to handling them), and there are also many more choices as far as what classes to take, what level class to be in...

 

Might he consider homeschooling for middle school and then you can have a conversation about high school? Maybe that's a way to say he can have a hand in the decision, just not quite yet? That's pretty much what I'm telling my kids. Sending them or not is not a "done deal" either way, I'm giving them a lot of input into the decision. (If the school were not a good one, it would not be on the table, but it is, and that seems to be playing into your situation as well...)

[JVA]

even in the "best" county middle school is unpleasant. Some kids do well in middle school, but in general middle school is unpleasant everywhere. If it were up to me I'd try to keep him home through middle school and give him the choice for high school.

 

I suspect you are moving to my county.

:iagree::iagree: I suspect you are moving to Fairfax county- close to me. The middle school situation is abhorent and I would never put a child in it..for the bullying alone. I suggest you check out the schools with your dh before you commit to them. Also- since when does a 13 yr old know what's best for themselves?

[FiveOaksAcademy]

I think the biggest issue with all of it, that I have, is that your dh didn't discuss this with you before telling your child he could make that decision. That's a two-parent decision, not a one-parent-and-child decision.

[Chris in VA]

Two things--

If it is Fairfax County, forget the reputation. It is highly dependent on the area--we have a large gang problem in several schools. Watch out for "secondary schools," which are middle and high school in one building.

In the "wonderful, new secondary school" that will soon just be a high school in my area, there's a huge number of teenage drinkers.

 

And, in that same school, there was one of the worst cases of bullying I've ever heard of; it happened to a dear girl at our church. A bunch of kids (boys mostly) decided to nominate her for Homecoming Queen as a joke. She won, because they egged on others to vote for her. They planned on humiliating her at the coronation ceremony. She ended up finding out about it, was so distraught she ended up in the hospital with an ulcer, and finally talked about it in a youth sermon two years later--

 

Do not go on reputation alone.

 

I would never put my kid (if I could help it) into a Fairfax County middle school.

 

Secondly,

You and hubby need to be on the same page. I would go to him and explain what you have heard, share your frustration, show him the curricula you have (if you haven't) and tell him about the co-ops in this area (or whatever area you are in). There's an excellent Classical Conversations group in Alexandria, and there's a good co-op at Harvester Presby in Springfield. There are other groups and tons of group activities. If you subscribe to ShareNet, you'll receive an email/newsletter that has pages of things to go to, and lists tons of homeschool groups. Perhaps if you can show both your son and your husband that you've taken your sons social needs into account, it would be better.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh.

[2cents]

Well, it is up to you and your DH. It sounds like DH already told him he could make the decision. But it doesn't sound like it is sitting well with you. That would make me crazier than sending my son to school (having Dh and the son make the decision without consulting me.)

 

Can you have a heart to heart with DH and share your concerns and discuss possibly waiting a couple more years???

 

Dawn

 

Oh yes! This would make me so angry! I think DH should have consulted you and included you in any conversations before you both make the decision. Decisions about education are ones that parents make IMO.

[JVA]

Two things--

If it is Fairfax County, forget the reputation. It is highly dependent on the area--we have a large gang problem in several schools. Watch out for "secondary schools," which are middle and high school in one building.

In the "wonderful, new secondary school" that will soon just be a high school in my area, there's a huge number of teenage drinkers.

 

And, in that same school, there was one of the worst cases of bullying I've ever heard of; it happened to a dear girl at our church. A bunch of kids (boys mostly) decided to nominate her for Homecoming Queen as a joke. She won, because they egged on others to vote for her. They planned on humiliating her at the coronation ceremony. She ended up finding out about it, was so distraught she ended up in the hospital with an ulcer, and finally talked about it in a youth sermon two years later--

 

Do not go on reputation alone.

 

I would never put my kid (if I could help it) into a Fairfax County middle school.

 

Secondly,

You and hubby need to be on the same page. I would go to him and explain what you have heard, share your frustration, show him the curricula you have (if you haven't) and tell him about the co-ops in this area (or whatever area you are in). There's an excellent Classical Conversations group in Alexandria, and there's a good co-op at Harvester Presby in Springfield. There are other groups and tons of group activities. If you subscribe to ShareNet, you'll receive an email/newsletter that has pages of things to go to, and lists tons of homeschool groups. Perhaps if you can show both your son and your husband that you've taken your sons social needs into account, it would be better.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh.

:iagree::iagree: w/ Chris on both points.

 

ShareNet will lists tons of groups, classes and field trips. I second CC, also. I hope you find a suitable solution.

[twoforjoy]

It sounds like your DS has had some big changes in a short period of time: going from being in public school to homeschool, and now moving.

 

I do think you should take his feelings about this into account, but it sounds like maybe what he misses is his old friends at his old school. Starting at a new school, he won't have them, and I've got to imagine that being the new kid in 7th grade will be tough. Whether he's in public school or homeschooled, he's still going to have to deal with making new friends, and that's not going to be easy in either situation.

[abacus2]

I would be livid, fuming, so angry if dh told a kid they could do something different for school without even discussing it with me when I had already made plans and acquired curriculum.

 

Public school may or may not be a good choice for your son, but dh needs to be talking to you before BOTH of you talk to ds.

[OLG]

It sounds like your DS has had some big changes in a short period of time: going from being in public school to homeschool, and now moving.

 

I do think you should take his feelings about this into account, but it sounds like maybe what he misses is his old friends at his old school. Starting at a new school, he won't have them, and I've got to imagine that being the new kid in 7th grade will be tough. Whether he's in public school or homeschooled, he's still going to have to deal with making new friends, and that's not going to be easy in either situation.

 

These we my thoughts as well. It is a very tricky time in a boy's life at school and if he had any issues with bullying before, in a school where he was established, it could surface two-fold in a new school with early teens. So many changes occur in their lives emotionally at this age. Sure, independence is something you want to nurture but a little at a time.

 

As others have said, it would hurt me (and anger me) that dh virtually made the decision to let ds chose w/o discussing it together or as a family. Not good. I live with that behavior as well so I get it.

 

Seems to me the scenario could play out a lot differently than both ds and dh think. Ds could return to a new ps but find it just wasn't what he thought it was going to be and then you are back to homeschooling anyway. That's a wait and see position! Or he could adjust well and love it. This is a hard age and a teenage boy's brain truly isn't ready for discerning all the factors that go into the decision. I think Mom and Dad need to pow-wow!

 

Good luck and remember you are all under tremendous stress with the move alone.

[creekland]

We opted to let our youngest decide and he opted to return to a subpar academic school. Nonetheless, he is thriving there and loves it. Meanwhile we are supplementing the actual education back here at home. I wish we were in a better school district, but we're not moving.

 

I'd let him have a chance. He's seen both sides and can decide what he likes. Homeschooling is not the right choice for every student IMO. I have two it worked well for and one who didn't like it. They're all good kids and quite intelligent. They just have different personalities. I had to learn that I guess.

 

No matter what, you can still supplement things at home.

 

For what it's worth, the son of mine who WANTED to return to school and now LOVES it there was sitting alone in 4th grade by choice because, "the other students bothered me, so I asked the teacher if I could sit alone." Go figure. Sometimes they grow and change I guess. He was homeschooled from 5th to 8th.

[brightside]

I agree with PP about Fairfax. The county to the west Loudoun is not any better. The testing scores look great on paper, but they would teach ONLY to the test. I have my doubts on how the scores are this good, there are lots of ESL students. I fear in the future a cheating scandal will be uncovered here as well.

 

 

The gang activity is becoming more of a problem as well and the activation of the new metro stop (Silver Line to Dulles) will probably only make that worse.

[Cassy]

I'm going to disagree with most people here and say that a child your son's age deserves some say in his life. I don't think he's too young to make this decision. I would put him in for a while and if it goes badly, at that point I would put my foot down and say that he needs to finish out his high school at home. It's possible that once you get settled into your new town, get your daughter all involved, he'll see that she's happy and has made friends and stays busy, plus gets to enjoy all the freedom and flexibility that homeschooling offers and he'll want to join her.

 

:iagree: This has been my approach with DS12, who is at school. DS12 does get bullied, and has been pretty miserable at times over the past year, but he would hate to be homeschooled, and he knows that option is available, and has even refused my offer to pay to send him to a private school. I support him in every way I can. DH was also bullied at boarding school and reckons that the experience has taught him invaluable survival skills, I'm not so sure, although DH is a remarkably well-balanced person with excellent people skills, but I digress. Only you know your son and how likely he would be to cope at the school in question. As the parent who is homeschooling, or who will have to deal with the fallout if school doesn't work out, then I believe that the ultimate decision should be yours.

 

:grouphug: Sometimes parenting can be so hard.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Mom-2-7]

Maybe there is a middle ground. Some schools allow homeschoolers to take a few classes at the school once or twice per week. Here, it is electives like computers or art.

That could satisfy his need for social outlet. Then you can help him meet new people through the hs groups you are going to join.

[SailorMom]

I'm going to disagree with most people here and say that a child your son's age deserves some say in his life. I don't think he's too young to make this decision. QUOTE]

 

 

:iagree:

 

We always told our sons that when they got to middle school they could make the choice for themselves. Hence - one in PS and one HS'ed.

[Impish]

Well, it is up to you and your DH. It sounds like DH already told him he could make the decision. But it doesn't sound like it is sitting well with you. That would make me crazier than sending my son to school (having Dh and the son make the decision without consulting me.)

 

Can you have a heart to heart with DH and share your concerns and discuss possibly waiting a couple more years???

 

Dawn

:iagree:

I'd be furious if Wolf made such a promise to one of our children without consulting me.

[TheApprentice]

Thirteen is a pivotal age. My ds also wanted to return to school this year for 8th grade (I had pulled him out of 5th and have home schooled this particular son for 6th and 7th). He had very sound reasoning, but I too had sound reasoning; and DH and I were on the same page, so he will be home schooled this year and high school at a brick and mortar is probably going to happen.

 

The most important thing is that you and your dh on are the same page, keeping what your child has to say in mind. But you all are still the parents, and supposedly, that means a bit more wisdom than a 13 year old.

[Dobela]

He is 13, and really IMO should start having some say in the decision. Every school has problems and it is just likely that after having the friend over your son is just remembering the good times.

 

I would be uspset that my dh had made that deal with my child, but sometimes things like that happen.

 

If your dh made the deal, then you need to let ds know that he is welcome to come back home anytime, you would love having him home, and that you love him no matter what the decision. By moving to a new school he may be able to have a better experience with a new group of people.

[grace'smom]

even in the "best" county middle school is unpleasant. Some kids do well in middle school, but in general middle school is unpleasant everywhere. If it were up to me I'd try to keep him home through middle school and give him the choice for high school. I did this with my oldest and I am convinced it was the best thing we could have done. Typically, new bullying stops in high school, but bullying kids who have already been bullied does not. Because my ds has social issues he's an easy bully target. Middle school would have been a total disaster and that would have carried into high school because all the kids for one middle school go to high school together. Starting in high school though, ds has not really had a serious bully issue.

 

My dd negotiates social issues better and she started middle school this year. I'm lucky that at 13 she talks to me a lot. There have been fighting incidents and bullying incidents that she's witnessed. Her lunch table group developed mean girl behavior (a group of girls in gifted classes) and dd decided not to eat with them during the time they ostracized another girl. dd had a teacher who bullied a student. dd did well academically and we don't regret her being in that school, but based on the incidents she told me about I know it would have been a disaster for ds.

 

You might want to think closely about your ds's personality and social behavior to try to think how it will mesh with the middle school environment.

 

I suspect you are moving to my county.

 

:iagree: I live in one of the "best" county school districts (I think there are three different counties with that reputation) in Virginia but our local school is by far not up to the same level as the rest of them. Make sure you've checked out the stats for the actual school your son would be attending. Also remember that where the school districts are great, the homeschoolers are, IMHO, even better ;). I'm not sure if you're moving to our particular "best county schools in Virginia," but the homeschoolers here are well organized and there's a lot to of things to do to get involved.

Edited July 18, 2011 by grace'smom
grammar mistake

[vontinney]

Thanks for your feedback, everyone! I'm actually going to bring up your points to both DH and DS. (and yes, I was totally shocked DH would make such a promise about making his own decision without even asking me for input...I think it was an accidental oversight because usually he includes me in everything, and I really was PO'd at the time I learned of it (REALLY PO'd)).

 

We're moving from Louisa Co. to Henrico. Louisa Co. schools are atrocious-math teachers that don't grade homework, but give an A if they turn in a paper with writing on it (literally). I can't stop thinking that this is the norm...I mean...they all teach to pass the SOL...the whole focus is on the SOL for that funding....never mind actually learning something. (I won't get started...LOL!) I'm sitting here typing remembering all the things we disliked about the middle school here...how can it not be that these things happen everywhere? The Louisa Co. policy on bullying is simply to TELL the parents they will do something about it and then when the bullying happens, tell the parents to get their kid to conform and become more like everyone else..."Join groups where they will get to interact with those children" (yeah like I want my kid to interact with a bunch of bullies and give him the opportunity to be bullied more). My DS is VERY sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily by others. I just can't see how this is going to be a positive experience but I also don't want to make a knee-jerk decision based on emotions...and it sounds like I don't have a decision anyway...I could veto what DH told him but then I'm afraid he'll be angry with me and his hostility will impede the learning process.

 

(...and besides...take a guess at how many of his "friends" he's seen since he came home last January?!? None! (by his own choice...I keep telling him to go to dances, etc....).)

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that it's reasonable to listen to a 13 year old, but not reasonable to assume that they know enough to make this kind of decision in their entire best interests.

 

My inclination would be to have a discussion with DH about being on the same page as a team, start with that.

 

Assuming that comes out reasonable, then I would say that it would be good to think through exactly what it would take to decide to allow your DS to attend a public or private school, and when that might happen. I went through a similar thought process for DD. I wanted her to be:

 

1. Finished with her Confirmation training, whether she chose to be confirmed or not.

2. Finished with Algebra 1. I felt that that was a logical culmination of her math studies with me. I didn't want her to need to adjust to school AND learn all that abstract math at the same time. Plus I wanted her to really learn it well.

3. Be reasonably science-literate.

4. Be good at the mechanics as well as the composition areas of language arts (this was very specific to dd, who has always been great at composition but did lag for a while at spelling and mechanics.)

 

(She was already very good at literary writing and had an extensive knowledge of history. I would have liked her to have some transferable foreign language training as well, but was not able to arrange that in a reasonable way.)

 

In addition, I wanted her to attend a school that was a good fit for our family, especially for her. This meant not our neighborhood school.

 

Anyway, I'm laying this out not to give YOU a set of guidelines, but rather a trigger for you to develop your own.

 

Also, you might want to meditate on the kind of friendships you would like for your DS, and whether those develop in the coops or not. I have seen some very insular families bring their kids to coops but barely talk to anyone there. If your coops are like that, they might not be conducive to your son developing friendships there. You might need to cast a wider net for social outlets that are acceptable to you.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[Joy at Home]

Socializing with same age peers at a public institution is NOT what's important. Getting ready for real life is what's important. His education that he's getting at home FAR surpasses anything that the public schools could offer. I wouldn't leave such an important decision up to him. If it was something that you and your DH decided, that would be different. But he doesn't get to chose as the child. I would continue homeschooling and join up with groups. Show him the fun, adventure and learning that homeschooling has to offer. I feel for you.

:iagree:

[black_midori]

There are so many places for kids to be able to socialize beyond school - and a public school is the main place where so much of the socialization takes place that I would firmly and wholeheartedly object to.

 

I would sit down with ds and find out what is passions are: Animals? 4H. Martial arts? a class. Outdoors? Cubscouts. General play? Park days. etc... My kids have 3 or 4 very close friends and a slew of people-they-interact-with, even though they have never been anything but homeschooled and we moved to a new location 3 years ago. You can't force kids to make friends, but you can definitely put him in better situations than PS to meet some! They don't have to be homeschoolers - it doesn't have to be at a co-op - just something with kids that enjoy the same things he does.

 

FWIW - I absolutely do NOT believe that a 13 year old (or even a 15 year old) has the knowledge and experience in life to make such a (to me) major choice. There are LOTS of things a 13yo should have a choice in - what extracurricular activities to pursue, what specific curricula to use, what books to read, what clothes to wear, etc - sure, give them a say. To me, however, the decision to homeschool is based on so many things and is so important to us as a family that it is non-negotiable (I'm giving up an 80-100k per year job, easy, to stay home and do this with them).

 

I'd have a good long chat with DH about having such major discussions without me, and I'd make sure we were firmly on the same page whatever we decided to do. Then I would present the decision we made to ds - perhaps with some choices regarding different ways of doing things.

[HSMom2One]

Well, it is up to you and your DH. It sounds like DH already told him he could make the decision. But it doesn't sound like it is sitting well with you. That would make me crazier than sending my son to school (having Dh and the son make the decision without consulting me.)

 

Can you have a heart to heart with DH and share your concerns and discuss possibly waiting a couple more years???

 

Dawn

 

:iagree: I would be going nuts without doing this very thing.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[HSMom2One]

I think the biggest issue with all of it, that I have, is that your dh didn't discuss this with you before telling your child he could make that decision. That's a two-parent decision, not a one-parent-and-child decision.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: