3boysmama Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Just wondering if this would bother anyone else or if I am being overly sensitive because aunt flo is here. :D About a week and a half ago, I invited a couple that I work with over for dinner/cookout yesterday. And earlier this week, I invited another family, to come over as well. I told both of them 5 o'clock. Well, yesterday morning I got up and did my shopping, getting my last min. things I needed, etc. Came home and started prepping some of the sides & desserts, and cleaning up around the house. Well, my one friend texted me about 12:30pm yesterday saying they were gonna go shopping but they would be back in time for dinner at our house. (A little FYI: we do have a tiny grocery store in town, but for real shopping you have to drive an hour away, and that's where they were going) I said ok, be careful, see ya later. We were expecting about 13 people including our family (a lot of boys :D). So I made quite a bit of food, including 2 trays of mac & cheese, baked beans, burgers, hot dogs, chicken, & two desserts. Fast forward to 5:15pm, my other friend calls me and says that they aren't going to come now, because her dh isn't feeling well. Really? At 5:15 you call and tell me? I absolutly understand that her husband wasn't feeling well, and I do sympathize with that, but I feel like they could have let me know a LOT sooner than 15 min after I expected them. She said he kept putting it off, because he thought he was gonna feel better in time to come over. If they had let me know earlier in the day, it wouldn't have bothered me one bit, and I would have known not to make as much food (they're a family of 5). Now fast forward to 5:40, my other friend (the one who went shopping) is still not there either. We're all starving at this point, and most of the food had been made and we're just waiting, so I text her to see if they're still coming. SHe say yea, they're on their way, they're in ________. Which is 20min away, and they still have to go home and unload their groceries. They get to our house around 6:15 (Mind you, I said 5:00) and she has a tupperware container of food. She said she brought her dinner because she's on a diet. :blink: So she didn't eat any of the food we had prepared. Her boyfriend had a small plate of food, then they had to go, but they did take a plate of desserts home for her son. So now I am left with a TON of food, that is likely to be wasted! I feel like both couples were very rude, and if they would have just given me a heads up about it, I would have been fine with it, and just done things a bit differently (make less food, held off on cooking it, etc). I know I CAN'T change what happened, and I'm getting over it and will be fine, I'm just wondering if this would have bothered anyone else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Wow. I'm with you - both couples were incredibly rude. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Yes, I would have been livid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Yes, it would bother me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Neither of them would be invited again for dinner to my house. Their behavior was ridiculously rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Yes, it would bother me. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 They were rude, but I don't see why the food has to be wasted. Do you have a freezer? You can freeze most of the stuff (if not all) and eat it all week. Now you don't have to cook.:) Btw, I would not be inviting those particular folks back - not so much as retaliation - but because I would not expect them to behave any differently in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Yes! Why didn't the one family come without her dh? Not that it's less rude of them, but did you tell your friend that went shopping that you were actually going to eat at 5:00? Maybe she (rudely) thought she had a little wiggle room. ( I ask because I've never known anyone to eat quite that early.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 You will not like my response. The couple which canceled at 5:15 - no, it would not bother me. It is rarely predictable when one does not feel whether they would be able to come or no, they often have a good will to come, but things happen and come up and they really do not feel well. I would understand that one. The ones that came at 6:15 - well, that would still be a tolerated time to appear in my house, as if we invite you at 5 we do not really expect you before 5:30 LOL, so the dinner would anyway begin around that time - so it is not being late that would bother me so much. The dieting thing would though, as I would think that one can make an exception for such a situation or simply eat less (if it is a diet thing, not allergy or health reasons). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Wow. I'm with you - both couples were incredibly rude. :001_huh: :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Yes, it would make me sad and irked. I had the 'on a diet' issue one Christmas when my assigned task was to bring desserts to a family function. The hostess knew that 1/2 of the attendees were on a diet (they were all in it together) but didn't tell me. I arrived and left with almost the exact same amout of treats. grrrrrr it is very frustrating to put that much work and planning into an event just to have it all left at the end of the day. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aquinas Academy Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 No, you're not being overly sensitive. Both couples were very rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3boysmama Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 Ok, thank you all!! I'm glad to know I am not the only one it would bother. :tongue_smilie: Yes! Why didn't the one family come without her dh? Not that it's less rude of them, but did you tell your friend that went shopping that you were actually going to eat at 5:00? Maybe she (rudely) thought she had a little wiggle room. ( I ask because I've never known anyone to eat quite that early.) Well, I didn't intend to eat right at 5, but I put the sides in the oven right at 5, thinking they were gonna be there soon, and they could sit in the oven for a while. They had just finished cooking at 5:40 when I asked her if she was still coming, and they were a good 20 min away still. At that point we were so hungry I told dh to go ahead and start the grill food. We didn't cook everything I had set out, since by that point we knew we weren't going to have as many people. You will not like my response. The couple which canceled at 5:15 - no, it would not bother me. It is rarely predictable when one does not feel whether they would be able to come or no, they often have a good will to come, but things happen and come up and they really do not feel well. I would understand that one. The ones that came at 6:15 - well, that would still be a tolerated time to appear in my house, as if we invite you at 5 we do not really expect you before 5:30 LOL, so the dinner would anyway begin around that time - so it is not being late that would bother me so much. The dieting thing would though, as I would think that one can make an exception for such a situation or simply eat less (if it is a diet thing, not allergy or health reasons). Your response doesn't bother me!! :D I was just checking to see if I was nuts!! =) You're right people do get sick, and I DO sympathize with that. But she said he had felt that way most of the day and kept putting it off. Even if she'd said it came on all of a sudden, I probably would have been fine, but she said he didn't feel well most of the day. I would have been fine with the others showing at 6:15 as well, had she just given me a call/text earlier saying...hey, we're running behind. I am just the type of person that HATES being late, though, so.... And it was a diet, she doesn't have any kind of health issues or allergies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 I'd be irritated too, and yes, it was rude of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 They were rude, but I don't see why the food has to be wasted. Do you have a freezer? You can freeze most of the stuff (if not all) and eat it all week. Now you don't have to cook.:) Btw, I would not be inviting those particular folks back - not so much as retaliation - but because I would not expect them to behave any differently in the future. :iagree: Definitely freeze what you can and if anything can't be frozen, enjoy it yourself or invite someone over who will show up and doesn't mind eating "leftovers." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Wow. I'm with you - both couples were incredibly rude. :001_huh: :iagree: And I'm sorry for their thoughtlessness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 I would take this part as a lesson to be learned about nutrition. What you have on the menu isn't balanced at all...frankly my inlaws serve this and chow down (and they are all biiiig people), but the gal spouses and the aunties all bring their own healthy food - vegetables, salads, fruits etc. The burger/hotdogs/beans/mac&cheese menu is just too carb and fat loaded for many people who are watching their health or have health issues. Don't take this as a criticism of your choices, but as an explanation of their food choices. And yes, they should have just declined earlier. I agree. Both families were very rude. But the one part I don't think is rude, is that she brought some of her own diet food. She probably thought it would be easier than for you to try to accommodate her diet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 It would be a little disappointing, sure, but I wouldn't feel put out by the first family. The other lady showing up with her own food is odd, but it was just two of them and her bf did eat, so it's not like you wasted a lot of food on her. I don't see why the food is wasted anyway? We would just eat it for lunch or supper the next day. No need to waste it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dulcimeramy Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Neither of them would be invited again for dinner to my house. Their behavior was ridiculously rude. :iagree: They were rude, but I don't see why the food has to be wasted. Do you have a freezer? You can freeze most of the stuff (if not all) and eat it all week. Now you don't have to cook.:) Btw, I would not be inviting those particular folks back - not so much as retaliation - but because I would not expect them to behave any differently in the future. :iagree: I would take this part as a lesson to be learned about nutrition. What you have on the menu isn't balanced at all...frankly my inlaws serve this and chow down (and they are all biiiig people), but the gal spouses and the aunties all bring their own healthy food - vegetables, salads, fruits etc. The burger/hotdogs/beans/mac&cheese menu is just too carb and fat loaded for many people who are watching their health or have health issues. Don't take this as a criticism of your choices, but as an explanation of their food choices. And yes, they should have just declined earlier. In the midwest, that is a typical cookout menu! (Except I didn't see any mention of deviled eggs, watermelon, sweet tea, or a relish tray.) Anybody planning to bring their own food should inform the hostess. You don't just show up with your own dinner when somebody's been cooking all day for you. I say that as a person with celiac disease and true allergies. Politeness dictates that I have to tell everybody when they invite me over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulMama Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 The first family: I'd wonder if there wasn't something more behind their polite refusal that the husband wasn't feeling well, and let it go. The second: It would have been great for them to call/text ahead that they were running later than expected. I would probably be a bit sad/frustrated that I had cooked and it hadn't been enjoyed the way I had hoped. But ready to eat food in the fridge? FANTASTIC! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Interesting thread. :001_smile: I can see me being part of the first couple. I will wake up not feeling well and think I will feel better and think I will feel better and think I will feel better... Then it is time to leave and I nt only don't feel better, I feel worse. But I hate cancelling on people. I kind of think I would end up going and not eating and leave with everyone thinking I hate them because I was quiet, withdrawn, or whatever... When maybe I should have just cancelled. :confused: It can be hard to know which is the right way to go. I think it is basic manners to let a host/ess know ahead of time that you will be bringing your own food, whether for dieting purposes, allergies, whatever. It is only polite, IMO. If I am having a barbecue and it is a one time event, then I am guessing my menu isn't going to be laden with hyper - healthy items. I can see a very similar menu to the OP's with lots of fresh fruits and veggies, as that is our way. I don't think a change in the menu would have changed/altered anyone bringing their own food. Again, JMHO. :) I'm sorry your plans went so sideways. :grouphug: Ugh. (We had the direct opposite yesterday where we planned dinner for our family and ended up with 5 extra people and dh running to the store for more food! :lol: Ftr, we love it so it was NOT an issue!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 It would irritate us to no end. I would have a very hard time inviting either one of them back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missiemick Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Yep, it would bother me and they would not be invited to my house again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 It would only bother me if this was typical for these families. Otherwise, I'd probably chalk it up to just one of those days. The stars were misaligned or something. Family one...maybe they had something personal come up and didn't want to share. Or maybe the dh was sick and thought he'd get better. Family two...if the grocery is an hour away, I can see traffic or longer than expected shopping might have held them up. They should have called or texted you the moment it became clear to them they wouldn't be there on time. But, again, if this is atypical *I'd* probably be peeved for a few minutes, grouse about it to my dh, get over it, and freeze the extra food. ;) If it's typical, I'd probably start inviting them for dessert or game/movie night, or meet for swim night at the pool or something instead of dinner, assuming I still wanted to spend time with them. I am really sorry your evening was ruined. It sounds like it would have been a great time. That stinks. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 They were rude, but I don't see why the food has to be wasted. Do you have a freezer? You can freeze most of the stuff (if not all) and eat it all week. Now you don't have to cook.:) Btw, I would not be inviting those particular folks back - not so much as retaliation - but because I would not expect them to behave any differently in the future. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The ONE time I had to cancel last minute at a party I offered to pay for our share of the pizza ordered. I was MORTIFIED. We were across town and stuck in a huge traffic jam. We would have gotten to the party 2 hours late and it was at the beach and the party would have been dying down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Aunt Flo aside, that was freakin obnoxiously rude. That food would NOT be wasted at my house, and I wouldn't be cooking for a few days. A lesson on nutrition-are you serious? When you go to a person's house, when they are extending their hospitality to you, unless you are a diabetic, etc, you DO NOT bring your own food. That was rude too. If you are that wigged about your weight for one meal with friends, then eat a teeny portion or send your regrets, but to bring your own food is beyond rude. And, I NEVER eat the same every day as when friends come over. So to go and judge how a person eats on a special dinner (splurge) that they planned for friends is not cool. We had friends for the day and beyond me going overboard with food-it was all holiday food for us. potato salad coleslaw burgers dogs baked beans sopressata roasted peppers sausage and peppers fresh moz salad with sundried tomatoes marinated mushrooms aged pecorino romano fresh moz bbq chicken venison loin bread that was out of this world icebox oreo cheesecake pound cake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Yep, rude!! I would be putting those friendships on the back burner for now and invest my time in some folks that are more reliable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyg Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'd be really disappointed, especially at the wasted effort. But each family was only somewhat rude. It's the combination that makes them both seem enormously rude -- but neither family is responsible for the disappointment caused by the other family. The sick dh -- I'd be ticked, but I'd try to give them the benefit of the doubt that it came up suddenly and couldn't be avoided. The hour and a half late -- that really is rude. If they have a good excuse (and I think you actually accepted their excuse as a decent excuse given your shopping situation), I'd try to give them the benefit of the doubt. The diet food -- certainly should have been handled differently. She should have told you ahead of time, but she didn't know she'd be one of only two guests. Part of me would have been ticked off, the same as you were; but part of me would have applauded her effort and wished her well. The question of whether or not your food was healthy enough -- meh -- I dunno. If I were the hostess, I probably would have also served a plain vegetable and a plain fruit. If I were your guest, and if I were on the strictest diet in the world, I could have eaten a grilled chicken breast (which you offered) and let it go at that. No need for you, as hostess, to feel bad about offering a "party" menu. As far as the food being wasted -- divide everything into serving-size portions and freeze it. I would have been very disappointed at the effort (of cooking and cleaning) being wasted. Sorry that happened to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 OP, don't feel badly about your menu after reading this thread. Goodness. :grouphug: We make healthy food choices 90% of the time, but we let loose with BBQs, potlucks, and the like and don't stress over perfectly balanced nutrition on those occasions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehogs4 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The dieting thing would though, as I would think that one can make an exception for such a situation or simply eat less (if it is a diet thing, not allergy or health reasons). Both situations would have bothered me. The fact they did not call you earlier when it appeared they would a) be running late or b) were feeling a little under the weather and were a wait-and-see was just not thoughtful on their parts. I hope these people were not close friends. Both probably figured that since the other family was coming, it wouldn't matter too much if they were late. The diet thing would not have bugged me because I am on one such diet at the moment and would not have been able to eat a thing you listed--not because it isn't awesome, but because of the ingredients in the food. I have had to do that very thing lately and my friends have been understanding. I have a friend with celiac disease. She can't eat anything...she hast to prepare and bring her own food or she can't eat. I have another friend on a very regimented anti-cancer protocol (she is a cancer survivor, but did not do chemo--is treating it naturally) and she has to bring her own food everywhere. ETA I would have been sitting there eating my crummy diet food with envy in my heart over all the yummy things you described. Like another pp said, cool! Now you don't have to cook all week! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thea Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Neither of them would be invited again for dinner to my house. Their behavior was ridiculously rude. WSS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristinannie Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 That is definitely rude! I did have a similar situation a few years ago (before we had kids). We invited two couples over and I made a very fancy and expensive dinner. One of the couples canceled about 10 minutes before dinner so their food was wasted (it wasn't the kind of dinner that reheated well). They have never been invited back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Yes, extremely rude. Also, bringing your own food to a DINNER invitation is just... weird. If she has dietary restrictions, she should have let you know beforehand and given you a chance to include some food that she can eat. I don't understand why for one sick person the rest of the family can't come. And why they are not going to call as soon as they know that they would at least be late if they did not leave right that minute. Edited June 20, 2011 by regentrude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 The diet thing would not have bugged me because I am on one such diet at the moment and would not have been able to eat a thing you listed--not because it isn't awesome, but because of the ingredients in the food. I have had to do that very thing lately and my friends have been understanding. I have a friend with celiac disease. She can't eat anything...she hast to prepare and bring her own food or she can't eat. I have another friend on a very regimented anti-cancer protocol (she is a cancer survivor, but did not do chemo--is treating it naturally) and she has to bring her own food everywhere. Some situations may be extreme, but sometimes it is enough to warn the host about food issues so they can prepare the food you can eat. For example, I can prepare rice pasta rather than regular pasta, or I can not use dairy at all if you are allergic in preparation of the meal, if you are vegetarian I can not serve meat (in fact, you get it served in dishes and you get to eat it with silverware which do not come in touch with meat :tongue_smilie:), and so forth... In many cases, health / allergy issues can be, somehow, respected. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Some situations may be extreme, but sometimes it is enough to warn the host about food issues so they can prepare the food you can eat. For example, I can prepare rice pasta rather than regular pasta, or I can not use dairy at all if you are allergic in preparation of the meal, if you are vegetarian I can not serve meat (in fact, you get it served in dishes and you get to eat it with silverware which do not come in touch with meat :tongue_smilie:), and so forth... In many cases, health / allergy issues can be, somehow, respected. :001_smile: :iagree:My MIL is vegetarian/vegan, and so are quite a few of her relatives (SDA thing). Its not hard to accomodate for a meal, as long as I have warning they're coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 If I was replying that late I would've left sick hubby home and come with the boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 It is interesting to see all the replies stating to let the host/ess know of dietary restrictions ahead of time so they can be accomodated rather than bring your own food. I have read SO many threads surrounding allergy issues (on my "other" board, on an allergy board, not sure about here) where people who have dc with allergies are upset by having their dc's special diet *needs* completely overlooked when they are brought to the attention of the host/ess. The advice I see *the most often* is to bring your own food to accomodate special needs. And yet in this specific thread, it is being considered rude to bring your own food for whatever reason. I have actually *never* seen that stated. I think it is rude to not inform the host/ess that you will be bringing appropriate food, but I do not think bringing the food is, in and of itself, rude. I think it is practical and generally, the *only* way to ensure you or your dc's needs are met. I have dc with allergies. Dd's best friend is vegetarian. I deal with food issues all the time. And I have yet to encounter anyone who is "affronted" by one bringing one's own food with an appropriate "heads up" to the host/ess. As a hostess, I can imagine trying to host say, a barbecue, and inviting several families with whom we are close. And then each family informing me that this child can't have eggs or peanuts. Then this family has 2 dc with celiac. And this family is vegetarian. And that family is gf/cf. I would end up having NO CLUE what to serve. I would actually prefer to have people bring something that is guaranteed "OK" for their family or family member while I try to accomodate as much as possible. In terms of being on a diet for weight loss, I think it is a huge obstacle for many people and a real struggle to stick to their diet plan. I would hate for them to be excluded socially because they prefer to stick with their own food to make a difficult weight loss journey a little easier. It may not be a big deal to any given person to ditch their diet for the day, but for others, it is simply not that easy. It would throw them off course and be hard to get past. If I care enough about you to invite you to my home for a meal, please feel free to bring what you need to make the event enjoyable for you. I would appreciate it if you let me know in advance, but I would never be offended if you brought your own food. ITU and for me, it is about enjoying one another and the company of friends. It isn't about shoving *my* food down anyone's throat. (I am *not* saying anyone is shoving any food down anyone's throat, btw. ;) Just using creative license to make a point. :) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 It is interesting to see all the replies stating to let the host/ess know of dietary restrictions ahead of time so they can be accomodated rather than bring your own food. The first thing I ask people when they are coming to eat is if there are any dietary restrictions or foods they hate. Maybe as Amercians we have moved away from the manners of eating what a hostess puts in front of you, but being raised in a very diverse area, I was taught it early on. One of my most vivid memories was how I insulted a Chinese hostess by not trying her red snapper, fishhead attached. I mean, I insulted her, just by not trying it. And I can't tell you how ashamed I am to this day about my lack of manners. (that and my preferring to eat with a fork. Really, I was wretched) So, no, you never refuse what a hostess has taken the time and $ to make you, her special guest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 So, no, you never refuse what a hostess has taken the time and $ to make you, her special guest. I'm not necessarily arguing against that, although I will offend a host/ess if eating something will cause an actual allergic reaction or medical issue. I was expressing surprise at how adamant *this* thread is about informing a host/ess and letting them accomodate special needs when every where else, when I read about (specifically allergies) food issues, I am told that the onus of providing safe foods falls on the family with the allergy, not the host/ess. It is just a "wow, that is interesting" train of thought for me, as I never have encountered it anywhere else. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm not necessarily arguing against that, although I will offend a host/ess if eating something will cause an actual allergic reaction or medical issue. I was expressing surprise at how adamant *this* thread is about informing a host/ess and letting them accomodate special needs when every where else, when I read about (specifically allergies) food issues, I am told that the onus of providing safe foods falls on the family with the allergy, not the host/ess. It is just a "wow, that is interesting" train of thought for me, as I never have encountered it anywhere else. :) I think if it's a huge play date, "Hey, everyone from youth ___ come over to our house," then yes, as a hostess I would appreciate everyone bringing their own food if they have restrictions because to accommodate a huge amount of people would be nearly impossible. Class trips, school, what have you. But this was a totally different situation. The was a small dinner party for friends. Not the same whatsoever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 It would bother me some, just because I had gone to the hassle of preparing for x-number of people and only q-number showed up. It wouldn't bother me so much that I never invited either family over again, though -- both seem like pretty reasonable delays or no-shows, IMO. It's not like you got dumped for a better offer, you know? Sick happens, and is often a roller coaster of thinking you'll be fine and then at the last minute deciding you won't be fine after all - especially if it's an event you're really looking forward to attending, and are hoping to make. I still can't time myself through a grocery store accurately, and never make it out in my estimated time frame - even when I have nowhere else to be afterwards. I no longer schedule anything on grocery store day; or, more accurately, I no longer try to squeeze in grocery trips on days I have something already planned :blush:. I have a friend who always brings her own food over to dinner to my house. The dinners, though, are super casual - no pressure, it's more like: Come hang out at my house, oh and I'll throw some food on the table. I do spend time preparing, but I'm more focused on the visit than on the food sharing. Maybe your friend saw this as a super casual dinner, and didn't realize the effort you had/planned to put into the meal? I'm sure she meant no harm. My friend obviously doesn't want to miss out on social opportunities ... and again, from the mindset of a casual meetup, it doesn't always occur to her to mention she'll be bringing her own food. She doesn't want to put anyone out. It's maybe too late now, but you did prepare this meal to share with your friends. It's unfortunate they weren't able to dine with you, but the food wouldn't necessarily go to waste if you plated it, wrapped it up, and dropped it off as a friendly gesture. Maybe get a quick visit in, in the meanwhile? I'm sorry your evening didn't go as you had planned. That is always a bit hurtful and frustrating. I wouldn't write either family off entirely, though, and would have no problems inviting them over in the future. I may plan the menu differently, as a pre-emptive measure LOL, but my friendships are worth the occasional frustration or irritation (and I know it goes both ways!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 It would definitely bug me too! Sorry about that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm vegetarian, and so are my boys. When we are invited to eat somewhere we inform the host. But no in a , you have to accommodate us kind of way. More like these are our restrictions, how can we make this work, would you like us to bring something? Would something you are planning to make work for us? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3boysmama Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Ok, wow!! =) I would like to add that I *did* have a big plate of veggies, and a big bowl of strawberries too! (It was all our little store had, I had wanted watermelon or something else too) I just didn't include that in my OP. We do *not* eat like this everyday. It was a special occasion...a cookout. Actually my kids kept calling it a party!! =) I would also like to add that she did not have allergies, and if she did I would have been happy to accomodate her. We have some other close family friends and they DO have have severe food allergies, and I have never had any problem accomodating them. In fact, they used to live next door to us and ate with us all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3boysmama Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Oh and we won't waste any food! We had leftovers all day today. And I told dh to take everything else to work with him tomorrow to feed all the guys for lunch! :D *Nothing* will go to waste with them!!! LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I would think that the family whose husband wasn't feeling well should have been calling no later than the time they would be leaving their house to arrive at 5:00pm so 5:15 is definitely very late to be cancelling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I don't think folks are suggesting that the hostess is required to meet all special dietary needs, just that she should be informed of them so she has the info, and in most cases a hostess will be glad to accommodate her guests' needs. She can determine if she can meet your needs safely, and she can plan her menu and quantities appropriately. It's not a demand to be accommodated, it's just a simple courtesy and good communication between friends. One of my sons has food allergies. When I rsvp or a few days before the party, I check what the menu is and suggest an alternative I can send along if necessary. As long as the hostess knows, she can purchase the right amount of food. Typically they will try to make accommodations within reason, but it is not a requirement just because they invited my kid somewhere. It's still my responsibility, and my son's now that he is getting old enough, to make sure he is kept safe. Also I don't think he'd be invited back much if I dumped that responsibility on other parents! I usually offer to send along extra goodies as well, a pan of bars or cookies or something, so I know there is one safe treat for him, and to help out the mom hosting the party. Plus it makes him feel good to bring something for everyone, i think it somehow deflects from the attention to his allergies which he hates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3boysmama Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 OP, don't feel badly about your menu after reading this thread. Goodness. :grouphug: We make healthy food choices 90% of the time, but we let loose with BBQs, potlucks, and the like and don't stress over perfectly balanced nutrition on those occasions. Thank you! The diet thing would not have bugged me because I am on one such diet at the moment and would not have been able to eat a thing you listed--not because it isn't awesome, but because of the ingredients in the food. I have had to do that very thing lately and my friends have been understanding. I have a friend with celiac disease. She can't eat anything...she hast to prepare and bring her own food or she can't eat. I have another friend on a very regimented anti-cancer protocol (she is a cancer survivor, but did not do chemo--is treating it naturally) and she has to bring her own food everywhere. I would totally understand this! So I wouldn't have been bothered by it in this situation. With that being said, my nature is to please people and I love to cook soI still would have wanted to make something that they could eat. Or at least tried to. Aunt Flo aside, that was freakin obnoxiously rude. That food would NOT be wasted at my house, and I wouldn't be cooking for a few days. A lesson on nutrition-are you serious? When you go to a person's house, when they are extending their hospitality to you, unless you are a diabetic, etc, you DO NOT bring your own food. That was rude too. If you are that wigged about your weight for one meal with friends, then eat a teeny portion or send your regrets, but to bring your own food is beyond rude. And, I NEVER eat the same every day as when friends come over. So to go and judge how a person eats on a special dinner (splurge) that they planned for friends is not cool. We had friends for the day and beyond me going overboard with food-it was all holiday food for us. potato salad coleslaw burgers dogs baked beans sopressata roasted peppers sausage and peppers fresh moz salad with sundried tomatoes marinated mushrooms aged pecorino romano fresh moz bbq chicken venison loin bread that was out of this world icebox oreo cheesecake pound cake Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 You will not like my response. The couple which canceled at 5:15 - no, it would not bother me. It is rarely predictable when one does not feel whether they would be able to come or no, they often have a good will to come, but things happen and come up and they really do not feel well. I would understand that one. The ones that came at 6:15 - well, that would still be a tolerated time to appear in my house, as if we invite you at 5 we do not really expect you before 5:30 LOL, so the dinner would anyway begin around that time - so it is not being late that would bother me so much. The dieting thing would though, as I would think that one can make an exception for such a situation or simply eat less (if it is a diet thing, not allergy or health reasons). :iagree: Interesting thread. :001_smile: I can see me being part of the first couple. I will wake up not feeling well and think I will feel better and think I will feel better and think I will feel better... Then it is time to leave and I nt only don't feel better, I feel worse. But I hate cancelling on people. I kind of think I would end up going and not eating and leave with everyone thinking I hate them because I was quiet, withdrawn, or whatever... When maybe I should have just cancelled. :confused: It can be hard to know which is the right way to go. :iagree: The first thing I ask people when they are coming to eat is if there are any dietary restrictions or foods they hate. With actual allergies, I honestly don't trust people to make allergen-free food. Most people without food allergies just aren't aware enough. I say, "no dairy" and I get no MILK--but dd has been offered cheese, been given food with "no milk" that was made with butter, or cooked in butter, or made with evaporated or sweetened condensed milk, has whey in the batter, was perhaps made with cream of mushroom soup, etc. It's just not safe even when people know about her allergy. There is only one lady who is vigilant enough about it that I trust her to feed dd something she's made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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