Here's what I need help with...

[plain jane]

Socializing (for my kiddos). There. I said it. Well, that's the really short version. Need the longer version? Well, don't say I didn't warn you. :lol:

 

I'm sorry if this makes little to no sense. :tongue_smilie:

 

We've had a few families (that my kids were friends with) move away and a couple of friendships that fell apart for various reasons (no hard feelings, just clearly not meant to be :)). That said, my kids are not left with a lot of friends. Sigh. I hate even typing that out.

 

I try really hard to get my kids out there. We've done co-op and sports and Scouts and what-not. The kids are friendly and nice and play well with other kids but they don't seem to progress from playing when we're out to making real friends unless I step in and make play dates. This would be all fine and dandy except play dates are just so hard to make (and keep). Between all my kids, we're out every weekday evening, except one. We have a couple activities during the day as well. Plus, we really do need to do school in there somewhere. Again, they're not in too many activities each, there's just so many of them. :tongue_smilie:

 

Frankly, after dragging all of them out of the house to all these places, I don't have the energy left to make play dates. :001_huh: It's exhausting. Plus, wherever I go I have to nurse a baby, change diapers (yes, my 3yo isn't potty trained :(), take another to the potty, yadda yadda. I find it exhausting. I really don't like going out and it's not because I'm an introvert (I'm not) it's just that it's so dang hard and I just want to drop dead every time I come back home but of course then there's all the house stuff that needs to get done.

 

I also seem to be surrounded by two extremes of families. The ones that are in so many activities already that I literally have to make a play date 3 weeks in advance (which usually ends up being cancelled due to illness on their or our part) or the ones that are so into academics that they only do playdates on weekends. I just don't have any families that we can just drop in and play with anymore. I have a few friends for myself but they either have one toddler or baby or our kids aren't friends because their kids are busy with their PS buddies.

 

I'm looking at a co-op once a week for the fall but while it sounds nice, the reality is that I will still have 2 at home (who will have to miss their naps that day) and who are being dragged around at the expense of their older siblings. And it takes literally 45 min to get everyone ready and out the door, and when you factor in travel time etc. etc. over the entire week, we're losing a lot of time to what would seem like nothing. I'd rather be doing school with them, to be honest, but I know that I must look after their social needs.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wearing myself thin trying to get my kids around other kids, while at the same time I feel like I'm going round in circles because they aren't really forming any real relationships either, despite my efforts.

 

Then, I start thinking I'm not doing enough because they're not making friends so I try to do more. The kids are appreciative and not pushy of it, but I just know they are looking for more in life, if that makes any sense.

 

I just don't know how to give that to them anymore. :( I'm tired. I'm up all night with a baby. I'm busy running a household and helping my dh with business stuff. But, I love my kids and want them to lead complete lives, if possible. I have a handle on the house stuff. To be honest, my house is always tidy (although not excessively clean, but I do sweep daily), dishes always done, laundry clean and put away, schooling gets done. Those parts, while not exactly easy, do happen.

 

But the getting out of the house to meet new people? That's hard. The in and out of the van and dragging uncooperative toddlers and babies and preschoolers around? That's not only hard, but it's sad for me to see them being dragged around.

 

I don't know how all of you with several kids do it and stay sane. Plus I have several ages/genders that need friends and that makes it even harder to meet all their needs.

 

I don't know what to do and I'm so sad for my kids that sometimes I feel they'd be better off in PS where they'd each see other kids every day. I don't live in a hole, I do leave my house, but I find it so hard and then when the kids don't really make "friends" it's hard to see the disappointment.

 

I don't know what to do. :confused: I'm so discouraged and I feel like I'm letting my kids down. I do feel like I have a good grasp on the educating part of homeschooling but the rest of it? Nope. Not at all. And even the educating part, well, that suffers when we're out of the house too much. But, we're really not out that much it just feels like it because so much time is wasted while we are out (again, diapers, nursing, shoes, getting a drink, traffic, whatnot). Ugh!

Edited May 17, 2011 by plain jane

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Your signature doesn't say.. how many children do you have? How old are they?

 

I only have one and still have trouble finding her friends- and to compound that problem I am an extreme introvert. At this age when it's all about Mommy making the connections and playdates... well. I fail. :tongue_smilie:

 

Just remember... in the olden days children played with their siblings. :D

Don't be too hard on yourself. It seems like you are really pushing yourself on this "socializing" thing.

[plain jane]

Just remember... in the olden days children played with their siblings. :D

 

 

Well, see, mine are really happy doing this. But my oldest is 9 and since some of her friends are gone, is really noticing that void. It's hard to see her lonely.

 

To be truthful, I haven't really been pushing myself on the "socializing" thing- more the opposite, for the last year. Which, of course, could be why I'm in situation I am in now. :tongue_smilie:

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Well, see, mine are really happy doing this. But my oldest is 9 and since some of her friends are gone, is really noticing that void. It's hard to see her lonely.

 

To be truthful, I haven't really been pushing myself on the "socializing" thing- more the opposite, for the last year. Which, of course, could be why I'm in situation I am in now. :tongue_smilie:

 

If most of the children are happy playing with one another... is it an option maybe to make your oldest a priority right now? Seems like this is the age for friends issues (I have a few friends with 7-9 year olds who are all having problems with friends- too few, snarkiness, meanness, loneliness...) It only takes one good friend to fill that void. Maybe spend some time really working on her, instead of trying to make friends for ALL your children at the same time.

 

Again, I only have one, and she's just 5- just throwing around some ideas.

[huntchaos]

We had a beloved co-op fail this year and both of my kids were so sad about the loss of that.

 

I don't know if you have anything like this in your area but, Next fall we are going to a program where homeschool kids go for only one day a week. It is run by a school district but, in a church -- you are still a homeschooler. They do all of the cool stuff like art (with a real art teacher :lol:) and science labs and Lego robotics, etc. And the best of all - 150 students in our community alone. So, I am hoping that this will give them an opportunity to build some friendships with other homeschoolers.

 

And I have to admit, one day to focus on my poor 2 year old sounds heavenly to me!

Edited May 17, 2011 by huntchaos

[snickelfritz]

Well, see, mine are really happy doing this. But my oldest is 9 and since some of her friends are gone, is really noticing that void. It's hard to see her lonely.

 

My dd's "best" friend is a girl that she doesn't see for months at a time. Last time was March, before that was in the fall. The friend is in school, they don't live in our neighborhood, and both of our evenings and weekends are full. I know the girl likes my dd, but I'm sure her "best" friend is someone she sees regularly.

 

Yes, my girls are close to each other and I like it. Yes, my dd's are close to dh and I. But...... It makes me sad.

[Diana B]

One thing I've found that works well with multiple kiddos (I only have one, but I've worked as a nanny for the past 4 years as well) are park days.

 

Around here, starting at about this time and lasting until its just to wet and cold to handle being outside any longer, there are weekly park days. Someone (or a group of someones) will tell the co-op list / group "Hey, I'm going to be at such-a-such park at this time on this day. My kids are XYZ ages. Stop by and play with us." Usually it ends up being a picnic lunch with play before or after.

 

This will keep all but your littlest one occupied, and they should be able to meet other kids. And then when you do this every week or every other week all summer, you've got connections and can figure out ways to get together during the school year.

 

I found that the park days were very helpful for me as well - since I got to sit around in a casual atmosphere and talk with other moms while the kids played.

 

The kids also got used to playing with quite the age range. I was amazed at how many older tweens/young teens would play happily at the park with younger siblings and my own son.

 

So if there isn't something like this in your area, I would suggest you start one. It could be especially helpful if you start one at a local park that you could walk to or wouldn't be such a hassle to get to. I understand the getting everyone in the car problem. But I'm sure there is a way to make it work!

[snickelfritz]

It only takes one good friend to fill that void. Maybe spend some time really working on her, instead of trying to make friends for ALL your children at the same time

.

:iagree:

[Little Nyssa]

Well, the socializing part also gets me. Especially as I see that the families we are friendly with are those we got to know through DD4's preschool, not through the homeschooling community for DS6. Looking back on our first year of homeschooling, and our first year in our current location, I wish DS had some more friends.

I have two ideas: Would it be less stressful to invite a kid for a playdate at your home. That way you don't have to drag everyone around.

And: recurring playdates. That way you don't have to stress about planning it. "Come over every Tuesday after piano" or something like that. :grouphug:

[plain jane]

One thing I've found that works well with multiple kiddos (I only have one, but I've worked as a nanny for the past 4 years as well) are park days.

 

Around here, starting at about this time and lasting until its just to wet and cold to handle being outside any longer, there are weekly park days. Someone (or a group of someones) will tell the co-op list / group "Hey, I'm going to be at such-a-such park at this time on this day. My kids are XYZ ages. Stop by and play with us." Usually it ends up being a picnic lunch with play before or after.

 

This will keep all but your littlest one occupied, and they should be able to meet other kids. And then when you do this every week or every other week all summer, you've got connections and can figure out ways to get together during the school year.

 

I found that the park days were very helpful for me as well - since I got to sit around in a casual atmosphere and talk with other moms while the kids played.

 

The kids also got used to playing with quite the age range. I was amazed at how many older tweens/young teens would play happily at the park with younger siblings and my own son.

 

So if there isn't something like this in your area, I would suggest you start one. It could be especially helpful if you start one at a local park that you could walk to or wouldn't be such a hassle to get to. I understand the getting everyone in the car problem. But I'm sure there is a way to make it work!

 

There's a few of these sorts of things around here and I do go, but (and I'm not arguing with you here, just being very honest) I find it so dang tiring.

 

The baby fusses, the toddler poops his pants, the preschooler wants to climb a really tall ladder (and mama almost has a heart attack), the toddler falls off the teeter totter and cries, then someone wants a push on the swings, then another someone throws rocks when they shouldn't, then baby poops, then it rains a bit, then they're all hungry but we forgot snacks. I'm lucky if I get 2 min to talk to another adult. :willy_nilly:

 

Ugh. How can something as nice as a park day with other moms end up being something that nightmares are made of? :tongue_smilie:

[elfgivas]

is there a mom or teen you could trade or barter babysitting with, so you can leave littles at home one afternoon a week while you take dd to an activity?

 

its hard with many. they'll be older soon, and that will help. i took one dd to a book club once a month for an hour, and that opened up a whole group of friends. but it only worked because i didn't have everyone....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[EthiopianFood]

Would it be less stressful to invite a kid for a playdate at your home. That way you don't have to drag everyone around.

And: recurring playdates. That way you don't have to stress about planning it. "Come over every Tuesday after piano" or something like that. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[plain jane]

Would it be less stressful to invite a kid for a playdate at your home. That way you don't have to drag everyone around

 

OH definitely. Thing is, I have to find those kids first. :tongue_smilie:

 

I've tried the recurring playdate thing but it's never really worked out for us. Something always seems to come up (for us and them) so the only thing that recurs is the idea of having a recurring playdate. :lol:

[mamachanse]

Big, huge :grouphug:

 

If it is any consolation, I feel the same way. My boys are super social and I would rather stay in because of the hassle (and the heat). I try to meet them in the middle. During the "school year," my kids go to a homeschool enrichment program one day per week. Academically it doesn't offer a thing, but socially it is great for them. We also found a weekly homeschool PE class that I can tolerate for an hour at a park. The baby naps in the wrap and the toddler plays on the playground. I also lead our Earth Scouts group, which meets every other Sunday. It is great because we have full family participation. My hubby and other parents are around to help with the littles while the big kids interact. That is all the social activity I can personally take.

 

I'm a little worried about the upcoming hot, Arizona summer because I hate taint the children out in temperatures over 100*F. Time to hibernate me thinks.

[snickelfritz]

I found that the park days were very helpful for me as well - since I got to sit around in a casual atmosphere and talk with other moms while the kids played.

 

I didn't find these particularly good for developing close friendships. Yes, for socialization, manners, playing with various ages, having fun. But that teenager playing with my 7 year old isn't going to be a bosom buddy.

 

Others may disagree, but for a good friendship, I feel like they need to be closer in age because of maturity issues. We tried pairing up with a family that has a 5 and 9 year old (compared to my 5 and 7 year old.) My 7 year old actually eventually ended up playing with the younger kids, which still wasn't a great fit. There was too great a maturity gap from 7 to 9. Yes, they played ok in the short term. They played soccer, got along fine. Long term, it wasn't working. And the 7 year old eventually got tired of the 5 year old behavior.

[plain jane]

I didn't find these particularly good for developing close friendships. Yes, for socialization, manners, playing with various ages, having fun. But that teenager playing with my 7 year old isn't going to be a bosom buddy.

 

Others may disagree, but for a good friendship, I feel like they need to be closer in age because of maturity issues. We tried pairing up with a family that has a 5 and 9 year old (compared to my 5 and 7 year old.) My 7 year old actually eventually ended up playing with the younger kids, which still wasn't a great fit. There was too great a maturity gap from 7 to 9. Yes, they played ok in the short term. They played soccer, got along fine. Long term, it wasn't working. And the 7 year old eventually got tired of the 5 year old behavior.

 

This has been my experience too. And of course, I have the younger ones who get dragged along so when the whole thing doesn't work out, it's even more frustrating (for me).

 

 

Boy, after reading all your responses I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. It's not my iron levels so maybe it's my thyroid. I just had it checked but I know things can change. Just reading some of the posts about what you do is making me tired. :001_huh:

[Diana B]

There's a few of these sorts of things around here and I do go, but (and I'm not arguing with you here, just being very honest) I find it so dang tiring.

 

The baby fusses, the toddler poops his pants, the preschooler wants to climb a really tall ladder (and mama almost has a heart attack), the toddler falls off the teeter totter and cries, then someone wants a push on the swings, then another someone throws rocks when they shouldn't, then baby poops, then it rains a bit, then they're all hungry but we forgot snacks. I'm lucky if I get 2 min to talk to another adult. :willy_nilly:

 

Ugh. How can something as nice as a park day with other moms end up being something that nightmares are made of? :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm so sorry to hear that!

 

I'm totally agreeing with the other posters that you should focus on the oldest, how ever that works best for you.

[Cassy]

:grouphug: I can so understand how utterly draining and exhausting dragging so many small children around must be, in fact I feel quite ill just reading about it. The only difference between you and I is that I wouldn't feel at all guilty about just giving up on it. There's only so much a mother can do for her children and it sounds as though you give 100% at all times, so please don't feel guilty or sad. Some of the previous posters have given some brilliant, creative ideas on practical ways of achieving what you're striving for, I'm sure you'll give some of those a go too, but I would like to point out that not having close friends at this age may not be the end of the world.

 

We have only homeschooled for two years, before that my eldest three went to school and while they did have lots of friends and lots of fun the two who are now at home don't miss any of that enough to want to go back to school (and I have suggested that they should go back, numerous times :tongue_smilie:). It's been wonderful to see how much they enjoy each other's company, and that of their 3 yo little brother, and they seem far happier and content with life than they did when they were at school. On the other hand, my eldest who has always gone to school has had his life made a misery by so-called 'friends', to the point, I feel, of being emotionally very damaging to him.

 

Hope that makes sense, it doesn't seem to quite so much as it did when it was in my head :tongue_smilie:. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that by all means try your best to provide the best social opportunities you can for your children, but don't give yourself too much of a hard time over something which I feel pretty sure may not be all that important anyway. Enjoy your time at home with your children, make the most of every moment with them, that's one of the reasons many people choose to homeschool after all, in no time they'll be all grown up and gone, having lots of fun with lots of friends ;).

[MelanieM]

What about finding your daughter a pen pal? No, it's not the same as getting together and playing with a friend, but we moved a lot as kids and I remember taking great pleasure from the letters I shared with my friends that lived far away. Nowadays with email, she could probably keep up a pretty good relationship with someone that has moved away, or a couple of new someones! Heck, if it's good enough for us Mamas (these days most of my social interactions involve phone/email/mail) then it can work for littles for a while.

 

Also, if you have a local homeschool list, maybe you can post a 'wanted' ad of sorts, listing some information about your daughter and her interests and asking if anyone has a child that would enjoy a play date. Offer to host at your home to avoid having to run around, and see how it goes.

 

This is a season. It's amazing what even 6 mos can do for maturity of littles, and sanity of mama, so take heart! I'm sure before long some of these things you'd like to do will seem much easier. :grouphug:

[Hedgehog]

Boy, after reading all your responses I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. It's not my iron levels so maybe it's my thyroid. I just had it checked but I know things can change. Just reading some of the posts about what you do is making me tired. :001_huh:

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have 4 dc aged 3-11 - no babies, all potty trained - and we keep our planned outings and playdates to a minimum. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: I never know whether I am going to be okay or not. I have good patches, and bad patches. On my good days, I could take on the world, but trying to do too much on one day means a bad night for me followed by a terrible day and that's no good for any of us. I suppose in that way I am similar to a mom who is having sleep broken by a baby. I hope my post encourages you.

 

The olders do one sport each: dd11 goes with her friend to her activity, and I meet dh after work so that he can take ds5 to his. I also have dd11 and dd9's activities on the same day to save outings. For music I teach them the piano at home. We have no co-ops or homeschool groups. The kids go to a small Sunday School at church on most Sundays, and when the weather is good they play out in the cul-de-sac with whoever happens to be out - or with each other if there isn't anyone else out. I guess I think this is enough; my kids are a friendly bunch who get along with everyone they meet, so I'm not concerned about "socialisation" as such. Would my dc enjoy more social activities? - sure, but that's not possible for us, so we cut our coat according to our cloth.

 

The only thing we do in addition to this is a very occasional playdate during school holidays, but never more than one per child, per holiday, and often less. I just don't have the energy to be ferrying my dc more than we do already.

 

It sounds to me like you are in a very busy stage of life and you are already living in the fast lane - it would be difficult to "do" more. It certainly won't hurt your dc to be each other's best friends - mine are! - until such time as it works for you/they to find and develop other friendships. I think your oldest is 9? - at that stage we did considerably less than we do even now.

 

:grouphug: to you. You're a great mom, and your kids are and will be fine. Be kind to yourself - it is so easy to be hard on ourselves!

[kwg]

This has been my experience too. And of course, I have the younger ones who get dragged along so when the whole thing doesn't work out, it's even more frustrating (for me).

 

 

Boy, after reading all your responses I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. It's not my iron levels so maybe it's my thyroid. I just had it checked but I know things can change. Just reading some of the posts about what you do is making me tired. :001_huh:

 

:grouphug: See, I am reading all your stuff and thinking ou are just tired! Because you have little ones! But get your thyroid checked b/c that is something to be concerned about. I forgot to take my meds for a week and omg:lol:

 

Our co-op allows drop offs. So I would drop off the ones that are old enough and take the rest home for the day. Can you do that maybe?

 

ETA: I just remembered! A new mom sent out an invite to meet girls at a park once a month for a Daring Girls Club (you know, that book?). I think it was low key- the girls took turns picking the craft, each brought their own supplies, did it at the park, then played. I thought it was a neat idea adn you could pick something central to you adn a time good for your little ones. Might get people out there.

Edited May 17, 2011 by kwg

[Tarreymere]

I think finding a friend is a little like falling in love. Some kids in ps who are exposed to dozens of kids the same age on a daily basis do not have a special relationship with another child. What I have found with my kids is that they will run around and play happily with just about any child they come across, but the deep bff-type friendships didn't really happen for them until they were in or close to the teen years. Those kind of friendships all happened outside of my efforts to 'find' friends, btw.

 

My advice is to just let things be and let it all unfold naturally. If your older child is lonely, then encourage her to develop an interest or a hobby to fill her time, just not one that requires you to load up the family and drive somewhere. I think there is a tendency to have our children involved in too many activities outside the home at the expense of the family (especially the mom). Things happen in their own time when they are meant to happen. It sounds as though your children are well 'socialized' and able to interact well with others, and I think that is about all you really have control over. The rest will happen when it happens.

[Trish]

It doesn't sound like your family has a lot of time for these playdates you're wanting to make. But it also sounds like you have enough kids that they can probably play with each other until they see other kids. Nothing wrong with playing with whoever's available when you're available, as you've been doing!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I think finding a friend is a little like falling in love. Some kids in ps who are exposed to dozens of kids the same age on a daily basis do not have a special relationship with another child.

 

My dd was in one school from k-3, and a new one for 4th. She has not made any friends in either. Well, according to her she has, but anyone she meets is a new friend!

[TKDmom]

I know! I know! You should move out to my area and play with my kids once a week. ;)

 

My oldest is 9, and I always feel guilty about not giving her more opportunities to play with friends. She does a have a pair of twins that she's friends with, and I can drop her off at their house every week or two for an afternoon. If she didn't have that, I don't know what I would do. She'd be miserable.

 

And I totally get what you're saying about how exhausting it is to take kids anywhere. I have started avoiding going anywhere because if I do, I'm totally out of commission for the rest of the day. I even have to put dinner in the crockpot before leaving, because I'll be too busy laying in bed being miserable to make dinner after an outing.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

You sound simply exhausted. I feel your pain, because my older ds really misses some of his friends from PS, but with everyone's schedules and activities, it's hard to get playdates going. My kids are also in Cub Scouts, and we go to many homeschooling events, but no friendships have really clicked through those activities, so I understand how you are feeling.

 

However, I think that like most other things in life, when you stop actively searching for that thing, it will show up somehow. You have a baby, a toddler and a preschooler. Getting through the day is pretty much all you can focus on with all their needs. You may not have the energy to add another "task" on to your already busy life. I was the oldest of 5 kids, and I grew up helping my mom with the younger kids quite a bit. I know how tiring it can be. Take it easy on yourself. Your older kids will be okay.

 

One idea I did have- is there anyway you can hire a mother's helper one day a week? Just someone to maybe keep an eye on the preschooler who's climbing so high, or change toddler's diaper so you can focus on other things?

[2squared]

:grouphug: I understand completely. My oldest dd is 9yo, and we are struggling to grow and maintain friendships as well. We are the only homeschoolers in our town and my dd is always overlooked for playdates. We tried a penpal, dd's previous best friend in TX, and she stopped writing. :glare:

 

Now my 7yo is starting to need friends. Babies and toddlers are exhausting. It's all getting complicated.

 

I will be your friend. How many kids do you have? Is your lineup similar to mine?

[fairfarmhand]

I went through 13 years of school without finding a "best friend." but when I did, I married him.

 

Focus on the things your can control.

 

And we do have those 2 extremes of homeschoolers here....I'[ve had a hard time finding a good fit since my 2 best hsing friends went back to work.

[BlsdMama]

What if you did less and stayed home more?

 

Truthfully, this is the way to create relationships, I think. We don't do a lot outside of our home. What we do is because we have a LOT of FAMILY interest in it... For example DS does Scouts because he wants to and because we feel Scouts encourages things we'd like to see in DS as an ADULT and because it encourages things we enjoy as well. Because of this you are more likely to meet other families with similar interests. Our co-op is the other thing we do outside of the home, same scenario. If you're meeting people you have nothing in common with I'd ask you to evaluate what you're doing and ask if they meet the criteria:

 

1. They are activities you could see your kids doing as adults, for a lifetime.

2. They encourage and build up activities that strengthen you as a family.

 

 

If they meet those two criteria, great. If not, re-evaluate if they are worthy of your time.

 

Truth? The truth is that you can't forge deep relationships in shallow situations. You will not encourage close, long lasting friendships with other families by seeing them twice a week at practice. Close friendships between families take nurturing -you have to feed the relationship, which means having them over for dinner, etc.

 

In order to have them at your house, you must simply be home to be able to have them over. :) I think in the end it will be priorities... One will have to decide if it's worthwhile more than some other opportunity. We have purposefully chosen to do LESS things with children as individuals as time has gone by and more as a family. When Ana was little she had done dance, gymnastics, tramp & tumble, soccer, softball, piano. With Christian, we minimized a little bit more... Soccer, gymnastics, t-ball. Now, we've minimized even more and made them fit the criteria. They still do piano, but here, at home. We've decided that while we enjoyed gymnastics, it really was fun but didn't meet the criteria above. Do you see? By minimizing what we do outside of the home, we can have people here more and focus on things we enjoy as a family. If Christian was in soccer with games 1-2 times on a weekend and four times of practice during the week, he couldn't possibly pour as much energy into Scouts *and* we, as a family, would have to give up camping / outdoors as often. We made him choose ONE activity and we were very glad that he chose Scouts as we feel Scouts best fit the criteria above. It's all about prioritizing. If this is truly a priority for your family, you will find you will have to make hard choices.

 

 

I have a STRONG preference for family relationships over individual relationships. I'd rather my children have friends with FAMILIES I know embrace what we believe than children their own age, so we try to foster this. Does this make sense?

Edited May 17, 2011 by BlsdMama

[TKDmom]

What if you did less and stayed home more?

 

Truthfully, this is the way to create relationships, I think. We don't do a lot outside of our home. What we do is because we have a LOT of FAMILY interest in it... For example DS does Scouts because he wants to and because we feel Scouts encourages things we'd like to see in DS as an ADULT and because it encourages things we enjoy as well. Because of this you are more likely to meet other families with similar interests. Our co-op is the other thing we do outside of the home, same scenario. If you're meeting people you have nothing in common with I'd ask you to evaluate what you're doing and ask if they meet the criteria:

 

1. They are activities you could see your kids doing as adults, for a lifetime.

2. They encourage and build up activities that strengthen you as a family.

 

 

If they meet those two criteria, great. If not, re-evaluate if they are worthy of your time.

 

Truth? The truth is that you can't forge deep relationships in shallow situations. You will not encourage close, long lasting friendships with other families by seeing them twice a week at practice. Close friendships between families take nurturing -you have to feed the relationship, which means having them over for dinner, etc.

 

In order to have them at your house, you must simply be home to be able to have them over. :) I think in the end it will be priorities... One will have to decide if it's worthwhile more than some other opportunity. We have purposefully chosen to do LESS things with children as individuals as time has gone by and more as a family. When Ana was little she had done dance, gymnastics, tramp & tumble, soccer, softball, piano. With Christian, we minimized a little bit more... Soccer, gymnastics, t-ball. Now, we've minimized even more and made them fit the criteria. They still do piano, but here, at home. We've decided that while we enjoyed gymnastics, it really was fun but didn't meet the criteria above. Do you see? By minimizing what we do outside of the home, we can have people here more and focus on things we enjoy as a family. If Christian was in soccer with games 1-2 times on a weekend and four times of practice during the week, he couldn't possibly pour as much energy into Scouts *and* we, as a family, would have to give up camping / outdoors as often. We made him choose ONE activity and we were very glad that he chose Scouts as we feel Scouts best fit the criteria above. It's all about prioritizing. If this is truly a priority for your family, you will find you will have to make hard choices.

 

 

I have a STRONG preference for family relationships over individual relationships. I'd rather my children have friends with FAMILIES I know embrace what we believe than children their own age, so we try to foster this. Does this make sense?

 

:001_wub: I think I need to print this out and stick it on my fridge. I was an only child who got to do several activities at once. It's SO HARD not to let my kids all be in multiple activities. I want dance, and piano, and tae kwon do, and swimming, and scouts, and regular playdates, and.... and more things than we could possibly fit in a day. This is my pared down list. I'm no longer even considering gymnastics and soccer, and all the things that suck the life out of me. Sigh.

[Oakblossoms]

We have one family that we get together with at least twice a month. We skip school and hang out all day. We kick the kids out of the house or at least the room. If we miss a week or two both of us mom get withdrawals. I didn't realize how much I needed that till we moved here.

 

Do you have a local yahoogroup? I would be tempted to post on it looking for another family who would like to skip school and hang out in the middle of the day. They are out there and probably going as crazy as you.

[angela in ohio]

I think finding a friend is a little like falling in love. Some kids in ps who are exposed to dozens of kids the same age on a daily basis do not have a special relationship with another child. What I have found with my kids is that they will run around and play happily with just about any child they come across, but the deep bff-type friendships didn't really happen for them until they were in or close to the teen years. Those kind of friendships all happened outside of my efforts to 'find' friends, btw.

 

My advice is to just let things be and let it all unfold naturally. If your older child is lonely, then encourage her to develop an interest or a hobby to fill her time, just not one that requires you to load up the family and drive somewhere. I think there is a tendency to have our children involved in too many activities outside the home at the expense of the family (especially the mom). Things happen in their own time when they are meant to happen. It sounds as though your children are well 'socialized' and able to interact well with others, and I think that is about all you really have control over. The rest will happen when it happens.

 

:iagree:

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I think finding a friend is a little like falling in love. Some kids in ps who are exposed to dozens of kids the same age on a daily basis do not have a special relationship with another child. What I have found with my kids is that they will run around and play happily with just about any child they come across, but the deep bff-type friendships didn't really happen for them until they were in or close to the teen years. Those kind of friendships all happened outside of my efforts to 'find' friends, btw.

 

My advice is to just let things be and let it all unfold naturally. If your older child is lonely, then encourage her to develop an interest or a hobby to fill her time, just not one that requires you to load up the family and drive somewhere. I think there is a tendency to have our children involved in too many activities outside the home at the expense of the family (especially the mom). Things happen in their own time when they are meant to happen. It sounds as though your children are well 'socialized' and able to interact well with others, and I think that is about all you really have control over. The rest will happen when it happens.

 

:iagree:I couldn't agree more!

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Is it possible that this reflects the fact that your dd is now old enough to be missing people who have moved away?

 

My kids have been very nomadic. We haven't been in the same place for longer than three years since they were out of diapers and most have been for only two years.

 

So they are in a constant cycle of having to meet new people and form new friendships. For the most part, they have done pretty well with just being friendly at their activities (sports, scouts, church). They have a good time while they are there, but then don't do a lot of follow up. (In other words, they are friendly and get a long well, but these people aren't always their "friends".)

 

The people they have been more friends with are people that are in multiple groups (ex. scouts and neighbors, church and scouts, multiple sports teams). And now that they are old enough to go out on their own, they often play with the neighborhood kids.

 

I don't think that I ever managed to pull of a playdate for my kids. The couple times that I had one scheduled with a family, I had to beg off at the last minute (literally once, when my kids were slugging each other at breakfast and I decided there was no way I was going to unleash that on innocent bystanders).

 

Are there kids the age of yours in the neighborhood that you could cultivate? I used to spend many afternoons sitting in a lawn chair in our front yard to be on site while my kids played outside - it usually attracted other neighborhood kids. Or would it be possible to tack a picnic or some playground time onto another activity (say, a picnic lunch after a sports practice)? Or are any of the other kids' families people that you could arrange a carpool with, which would give the kids the in the car time for socializing?

[plain jane]

 

Are there kids the age of yours in the neighborhood that you could cultivate? I used to spend many afternoons sitting in a lawn chair in our front yard to be on site while my kids played outside - it usually attracted other neighborhood kids. Or would it be possible to tack a picnic or some playground time onto another activity (say, a picnic lunch after a sports practice)? Or are any of the other kids' families people that you could arrange a carpool with, which would give the kids the in the car time for socializing?

 

Oh, there are plenty of kids in the neighborhood but none of them are ones I want my kids playing with. In fact, my kids don't want to play with them. One is notoriously mean- so mean that said child tries to knock my dd off her bike when she is riding :001_huh:. She has done *nothing* to this child (he's like this to other neighbor kids, not just her). Another lies like crazy and makes up absurd stories. :rolleyes: Yet another is horribly mean and has said truly hateful things to my children that have left them in tears (again, they have not done anything to this child, he's just very mean spirited). Oh, it goes on... :( So, no, I try to discourage interaction with the neighbor kids whenever

possible. :001_huh: In fact, these kids all go to the local PS and it's quickly becoming one of my top 10 reasons for not sending them to PS, even on those really tough homeschooling days. ;)

 

Sigh. We live in a great neighborhood and it's set up real nice for community games (capture the flag) and sports, but alas, the community spirit is sadly lacking. :rolleyes:

[kamom]

I haven't read nearly all the posts, but wanted to suggest something. If you are church goers would it be possible to invite a family with children the same age as yours over for lunch after church. I find it fairly easy to put a pot of stew or chili on and my kiddos love when I do that. It doesn't make the week days busier and they get to see their friends for several hours. I love the fellowship to and being able to interact on a more personal level with some of the church families.

 

BTW. Try a penpal. My dd9's closest friend is a moved far-away cousin. They write through email quite a bit. They are very close friends even after being seperated for a couple years now. She has other friends but noone takes this girl's place.

[snickelfritz]

Sigh. We live in a great neighborhood and it's set up real nice for community games (capture the flag) and sports, but alas, the community spirit is sadly lacking.

 

I know on these boards, there are involved parents who choose to do few activities. In our suburban neighborhood, the kids I like my kids to hang around with are busy. The ones who are free are the ones I DON'T want my kids becoming friends with. In the "average" world, involved parents (usually means nicer kids) are busy taking their kids to activities.

[Starr]

It sounds like you need to wait another year until the littles are a little easier.:grouphug:

[Mommamia]

:grouphug: I can so understand how utterly draining and exhausting dragging so many small children around must be, in fact I feel quite ill just reading about it. The only difference between you and I is that I wouldn't feel at all guilty about just giving up on it. There's only so much a mother can do for her children and it sounds as though you give 100% at all times, so please don't feel guilty or sad. Some of the previous posters have given some brilliant, creative ideas on practical ways of achieving what you're striving for, I'm sure you'll give some of those a go too, but I would like to point out that not having close friends at this age may not be the end of the world.

 

We have only homeschooled for two years, before that my eldest three went to school and while they did have lots of friends and lots of fun the two who are now at home don't miss any of that enough to want to go back to school (and I have suggested that they should go back, numerous times :tongue_smilie:). It's been wonderful to see how much they enjoy each other's company, and that of their 3 yo little brother, and they seem far happier and content with life than they did when they were at school. On the other hand, my eldest who has always gone to school has had his life made a misery by so-called 'friends', to the point, I feel, of being emotionally very damaging to him.

 

Hope that makes sense, it doesn't seem to quite so much as it did when it was in my head :tongue_smilie:. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that by all means try your best to provide the best social opportunities you can for your children, but don't give yourself too much of a hard time over something which I feel pretty sure may not be all that important anyway. Enjoy your time at home with your children, make the most of every moment with them, that's one of the reasons many people choose to homeschool after all, in no time they'll be all grown up and gone, having lots of fun with lots of friends ;).

 

Thanks for sharing. This was super encouraging!

[Mommamia]

I think finding a friend is a little like falling in love. Some kids in ps who are exposed to dozens of kids the same age on a daily basis do not have a special relationship with another child. What I have found with my kids is that they will run around and play happily with just about any child they come across, but the deep bff-type friendships didn't really happen for them until they were in or close to the teen years. Those kind of friendships all happened outside of my efforts to 'find' friends, btw.

 

My advice is to just let things be and let it all unfold naturally. If your older child is lonely, then encourage her to develop an interest or a hobby to fill her time, just not one that requires you to load up the family and drive somewhere. I think there is a tendency to have our children involved in too many activities outside the home at the expense of the family (especially the mom). Things happen in their own time when they are meant to happen. It sounds as though your children are well 'socialized' and able to interact well with others, and I think that is about all you really have control over. The rest will happen when it happens.

 

:iagree:

[J-rap]

...

Edited September 11, 2023 by J-rap

[sunshine_librarian]

Hi Jane!

 

I am only a year into homeschooling and I understand where you are coming from. My oldest is dd5 and I have ds3 and ds2 with another lo due in early August. When my dd5 was smaller I was all about the playdate, all about the park days, all about enrichment activities everywhere I could find them. And do you know what I found? My daughter had a way of latching onto the person that was the meanest to her in almost every setting. It was irritating because she would say this or that particular child was her friend, and I would see a bully.

 

Fast forward a few years and I had more of a challenge getting her places or even doing comparable activities for my ds3 and ds2. I felt like I was the worst mom because she wasn't going to have friends, and my boys definitely didn't have any...But then I realized that I myself have a very few dear friends. One I have known since I was 6 y.o., but that long of a friendship is extremely rare.

 

This year I have chucked the playdate idea, and it has been liberating. I haven't co-opped either. But I did find one activity for my dd5, and as a result she has a bunch of friends and so do my boys. My AHG troop created an environment where I could take my toddler and preschooler with me and they were made welcome by the brothers of the other troop members. They also had other mothers volunteer to watch the younger kids, with the help of the older brothers of troop members (who were all boy scouts) and I was able to volunteer in my dd5's squad. All 3 of my children love this weekly outing. I have also been volunteering for my church's faith formation office, providing weekly childcare, with my kids in tow. Again, they look forward to this weekly outing to see "friends" and I get a little grown-up conversation with the other volunteers, or even just some time to read a magazine if I am there alone.

 

I would let your older kids take the lead a little bit on this one. If they have a friend they want to invite over, then pick a time good for you and let them make a call. If it doesn't work out this time, maybe it will next time. My dd5 has been playing phone tag with her bff for a few months now, but her phone skills are really improving - yeah socialization skills!

 

But most importantly, just give yourself a break. The friends will come...and didn't they just publish some research that it was unhealthy for children to have best friends? At least that's socialization model they are starting to push here in FL :glare:. So your children's ability to just not kill someone on the playground is the new standard! :D