How do *you* discipline a screamer?

[plain jane]

Sigh.

 

I have a screamer. I've posted about him before. He's newly 3, sweet as can be but if things don't go his way, he screams.

 

I. can't. stand. screaming. :glare: My other kids are not screamers. I do not know how to make this child stop. And yes, I am writing in short sentences as I am biting my tongue as he screams in the background and I fight the urge to walk out of the house and never come home again. :tongue_smilie:

 

What discipline tactics have worked for you?

 

It makes me very sad that this child is this way. The kids just can't have fun together without him screaming. They'll all play Mario Bros. on Wii and have fun but it's inevitable that he'll scream about one thing or another and ruin it for everyone. I can't take them playing because of all the screaming he does so everyone gets punished as the Wii gets turned off.

 

I can remove him from the situation and put him in time out but soon as he's back, the screaming starts up again. I can only to this so many times before I have to fight the urge to smash the Wii.

 

I've posted about him before (about being a screamer) and I am hoping for some fresh advice.

 

Whoops. Forgot to add, it's not just Wii- it's everything that involves the siblings. When he's outside on the trampoline with them it's atrocious. It's also embarrassing because the whole neighborhood can hear him. It's exhausting to send the kids out to play because inevitably I am in and out at least 10 times bringing said child in to make him stop.

 

Obviously time outs and removing him from the situation are not working for us. What else is there?

Edited April 29, 2011 by plain jane

[secular_mom]

In that case (IRT the Wii), mine wouldn't be allowed to play the Wii with anyone else and I'd try to keep him occupied elsewhere while the others play the Wii.

In general, constant supervision, constant redirection, constant interaction between me and the child- can't use the TV/Video Game as a babysitter so that I can have a break for a few minutes if the result is more stress and no break for me, so it's easier to not try to get a break that way. Makes letting the other kiddos enjoy some video game time more work for me, but this too shall pass. I set a timer for my kids when they have to take turns with something and they are having trouble doing that. Now they usually set a timer themselves or otherwise set up a fair limit.

[AK_Mom4]

Some kids don't care if everyone gets punished along with them. In fact, it makes them MORE likely to escalate the misbehavior when they get frustrated if they know that no one else gets to play on the Wii either....

 

I hate screaming, too. I just.can't.stand.it. I had a screamer, too, and it drove me absolutely mad. So I banished him. Heartless, I suppose, but he was not allowed to play on the game system (think we had a nintendo then) AT.ALL. Ever. I told him he would have to go a full week without screaming before he could touch it again. And whenever he screamed, he was immediately banished to his room without a warning (there to scream his head off, but at least it wasn't right near me).

 

For my son, I could sort-of see it coming. He would start getting frustrated and sometimes I was able to head it off by warning him that if he started screaming, he would be off to his room.

 

It took some time, but he finally out-grew it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I did what I did with the dogs and barking, as soon as there was a scream, I said "no screaming!". If it continued or stopped and then started, then the child was removed to time out. Every . single . time.

[Mom0012]

I guess I'd give him one chance on the Wii and if he started screaming, he would no longer be allowed to play it. Same for playing outside. One chance, with a warning, and then he'd be in with me for the rest of the day. I wouldn't punish the other kids because he was misbehaving. I'm sure it's got to be tough, but maybe he's not old enough to participate equally with your other children just yet. I don't know the ages of your others, though.

 

Lisa

Edited April 29, 2011 by LisaTheresa

[FlyingMOm]

I usually used hand-over-mouth to put a stop to the screaming. If I fond myself getting on edge, I'd put that child in the crib, close the bedroom door & walk away.

[Murphy101]

Some kids don't care if everyone gets punished along with them. In fact, it makes them MORE likely to escalate the misbehavior when they get frustrated if they know that no one else gets to play on the Wii either....

 

I hate screaming, too. I just.can't.stand.it. I had a screamer, too, and it drove me absolutely mad. So I banished him. Heartless, I suppose, but he was not allowed to play on the game system (think we had a nintendo then) AT.ALL. Ever. I told him he would have to go a full week without screaming before he could touch it again. And whenever he screamed, he was immediately banished to his room without a warning (there to scream his head off, but at least it wasn't right near me).

 

For my son, I could sort-of see it coming. He would start getting frustrated and sometimes I was able to head it off by warning him that if he started screaming, he would be off to his room.

 

It took some time, but he finally out-grew it.

 

Yep. My 2yr old screamer is right this moment screaming her ever lovin head off in her room with the door shut. She screams anytime she doesn't get her way. Currently her screams are because her brother is studying for a science test and she wants him, and only him, to carry her around the house. Too bad. No she doesn't need a nap. She had one. No she isn't hungry or lacking attention. Several other people, including daddy and mommy, have offered to hold her or play. So she is screaming. In her room.

 

Sigh.

 

Makes us all wish we were much heavier drinkers than we are inclined to be.

 

ETA: OP's child is 3. Likely not in a crib for some time I would think. And far too old for a playpen. We don't have either and never have past maybe a year old.

Edited April 29, 2011 by Martha

[EJCMom]

I said, "You may not scream here." And then I'd take her by the hand and march (or carry if she went limp) her to her bedroom. I said in a calm, non-yelling voice (even if it meant she couldn't hear me over the screaming), "You may rejoin us when you've stopped screaming." And then I'd close the door and go to the farthest part of the house. After she came back, then we'd address what made her scream in the first place. It was usually things like needing to take turns. It's a process. There's no magic bullet, but if you're consistent with whatever you decide to do to deal with it hopefully this stage won't last too long. My 3-year-old dd went through the screaming stage for about 5 weeks or so. It's tough. :grouphug:

[Dobela]

My just turned 4 yr old is a screamer and a whiner. We set up a corner in her room, complete with blanket and rocking chair, that we call the scream or whine zone. When she gets going, she can only scream or whine in that location. The lack of attention she gets because we are in another room means the screaming stops fairly quickly.

[Mrs Twain]

I agree with many posters about being consistent with whatever discipline is meaningful. Also, it will most likely get better with time. My youngest was our most difficult, and I realized at some point that she wasn't getting enough one-on-one attention with me because I was busier than when the others were little. I started spending a little time cuddling with her and reading with her twice per day, and she was often a happier kid. I'm not saying that is what you or anyone else needs to do, but I just throw it out there for thought.

 

Praying to Jesus to give you wisdom is probably the best child raising advice I have ever gotten. James 1:5

[Sun]

Sigh.

 

I have a screamer. I've posted about him before. He's newly 3, sweet as can be but if things don't go his way, he screams.

 

I can't take them playing because of all the screaming he does so everyone gets punished as the Wii gets turned off.

 

...

 

Whoops. Forgot to add, it's not just Wii- it's everything that involves the siblings. When he's outside on the trampoline with them it's atrocious. It's also embarrassing because the whole neighborhood can hear him. It's exhausting to send the kids out to play because inevitably I am in and out at least 10 times bringing said child in to make him stop.

 

Obviously time outs and removing him from the situation are not working for us. What else is there?

 

It sounds as if this child has a lot of power over you and his siblings, which is perhaps not a healthy thing for a 3 yo to have. It doesn't strike me as fair to anyone that the Wii gets turned off because of one child's behavior. Why should he be allowed to control what his siblings do by screaming? He may not be consciously choosing to disrupt their Wii time by screaming, but I would suspect that there will be increasing resentment if the other kids are losing privileges because of one child.

 

Ditto for the playing outside, only this time it's a lot of power over you. If he screams like that and you have to go out, then perhaps that should be it for his outside time until you are willing and able to go outside and hang out with him.

 

I like the above posters' suggestions of calmly putting him in time out in his room, every single time, and not allowing him to return to the activity (Wii, outside, etc.) that provoked the screaming fit.

 

Also, remember that he's using what he has learned is an effective way to get attention in a situation that is overwhelming for him. Dealing with it probably requires addressing the overwhelming part and the attention part, which is why being consistent with a time out might help--though it might take a long time!

[Carol in Cal.]

Project calm, all the time. You don't want to feed his emotion. Be very consistent as others have said. I found that I could talk in normal tones to a screamer, and they could hear me just fine. This was surprising as I could barely hear myself. I could say, "You can choose to feel badly about having to leave, or to feel good about playing for 5 more minutes." Or "Did you know that you get to pick? You can pick to be noisy in your room on a chair, or you can pick to stay out here and play quietly." Or, "Use your words!" Or, in advance, "You may play with the WII, but you must not scream. Instead, you can put it down and go stomp on the dirt outside. If you scream, I will take it away from you for the rest of the day. Are you ready to play quietly and not scream? OK, good, here is the Wii." Or, "You are frustrated, but no one knows because you are just screaming. Tell your brother that you don't know how to do this. Ask him to please help you."

[Cera]

My 4 year old was a screamer.

 

I gave up trying to stop her and we bought a decorative couch pillow that we dubbed the "screaming pillow." We kept it on her bed and taught her to go into her room, shut the door, scream into the pillow then come back out.

[fairfarmhand]

Some kids don't care if everyone gets punished along with them. In fact, it makes them MORE likely to escalate the misbehavior when they get frustrated if they know that no one else gets to play on the Wii either....

 

I hate screaming, too. I just.can't.stand.it. I had a screamer, too, and it drove me absolutely mad. So I banished him. Heartless, I suppose, but he was not allowed to play on the game system (think we had a nintendo then) AT.ALL. Ever. I told him he would have to go a full week without screaming before he could touch it again. And whenever he screamed, he was immediately banished to his room without a warning (there to scream his head off, but at least it wasn't right near me).

 

For my son, I could sort-of see it coming. He would start getting frustrated and sometimes I was able to head it off by warning him that if he started screaming, he would be off to his room.

 

It took some time, but he finally out-grew it.

 

yep.:iagree:

[Susan C.]

If they scream, you are deaf. Screaming = I can't hear you (or won't acknowlege what you are saying). You say if you lower your voice I will talk to/answer you. Again, screaming, you say "what, is someone talking, I don't hear anything... talk lower and I will be glad to talk with you."

 

Hope this makes sense, I need to go to bed, got up early to see the wedding!

[teachmejoy]

My first reaction was, "give 'em something to really scream about!" :tongue_smilie: I know, that sounds horrible and I wouldn't really do it, but it just crossed my mind.

 

I really agree with everything that has been said so far. Consistency is so crucial. My dd doesn't scream too much, but she does whine and it drives me nuts! I usually tell her that I don't want to hear it and if she insists on doing it, she can go to her room.

 

Using "princesses do not fuss and whine" has worked a few times, too! :D

[pfamilygal]

I have TWO screamers. My 3 and 5 yr old are about ready to drive me insane with it. I calmly speak to them and they continue to scream. What is finally helping is just removing them. For the last year I'd been unable to lift them to carry them upstairs to their room (first I was pregnant, then post-c/s, then post-hyst), but now I just pick them up and carry them to their room and calmly tell them to come back when they can speak softly.

[I.Dup.]

After having 3+ screamers, I now think consistency is the key. My almost 3yo is a horrible scream/crier whenever he doesn't get his way and immediately telling him "NO SCREAMING" in a firm voice and putting him in the corner (our time out) seems to help the most of anything else I've tried. But I have to be really consistent and not let him get away with screaming sometimes.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I heard somewhere that children with deaf parents don't scream. True or not it encouraged me to ignore my son's screaming and it has drastically reduced.

 

If he's trying to ask me something while whining and screaming, I'll sign the answer to him. He has be calm which equals quiet to pay attention to what I'm signing. I'll only sign it once. He learned the hard way that if he doesn't pay attention, he'll miss the answer and usually will not be able to do what he was asking for.

[BlsdMama]

"Stop."

Low voice.

 

"Put your hand on your mouth."

Wait for obedience.

 

"Now, don't make that sound again."

 

All said very firmly and very low in tone.

[justamouse]

Refuse to lose. Every time. Yes, it's exhausting, but let him SEE that YOU will win and he will not scream and that is that.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I *hate* loudness. I tolerate it when I have to, but in my own home I will not have it.

[Chris in VA]

Honestly, I'd probably lose it and spank.

Not recommending that, just what I'd probably do.

 

I do think consistency is important, and so is patience. I like the idea of removing said child to his room and giving a time out for 3 minutes. Sort of the Super Nanny way. But you have to do it each and every time. If he comes out, no words, just lead back in--every time. Timer starts when door closes, and restarts if it opens.

 

On the preventative side, I think 3 is too young for video games. They get overstimulating. So that would be totally out for another year or two. I agree that you can probably see it coming sometimes--giving words for I feel frustrated is pretty good advice. It's like biting or any other preschool/toddler behavior you want to extinguish--some of it is making it unpleasant and unrewarding to continue the behavior, and some of it is Mom or teacher or whomever setting up the environment and interactions to lessen the chances of it happening.

 

good luck.

[Susan in TX]

I'd put him in time out every time he starts screaming and I would not allow him to participate at all in activties that you know he can't handle: Wii, playing outside with the other kids. I know that makes things harder for you because you then have to do something with him when the other kids are outside or playing with the Wii, but that might be the lesser of two evils.

 

Susan in TX

[Pretty in Pink]

One ofmine used to do that. It lasted through the end of his fourth year, though it did get gradually better with time. I immediately removed him to his room and shut the door for screaming infractions. Every. single. time. Once he was calm, I talked to him and tried to help him find the words to express himself without screaming. When I sensed a screaming episode in the making I tried to ward it off by prompting him to communicate his feelings with words.

 

Spanking that child did not work at all. In fact, the longer I parent the less effective I realize that sspanking really is, at least in our home.

[KrissiK]

When dd screams/tantrums she just gets sent to her room till she calms down. I tell her once and then turn around. She tries to negotiate, but then gives up because she's talking to my back and goes to her room. She can come out when she stops screaming.

[Aubrey]

I can remove him from the situation and put him in time out but soon as he's back, the screaming starts up again. I can only to this so many times before I have to fight the urge to smash the Wii.

 

Ime, time-out isn't the best solution to this kind of behavior. (Not a bad instinct or anything--it *ought* to work, it just hasn't *for me.*) :)

 

Instead, I remove them WITH ME to help them focus on what I say to them. Then I try whispering to them, helping them to be quiet, or I wait for them to calm down, or some combination.

 

I'll tell them that the screaming *hurts* me--my ears. And I'll try to help them tell me what's wrong in a calmer way. *Teach* them how to object to a situation.

 

Then repeat what they've told you. For little kids--*esp* when they're really worked up like that--they can't understand that you've heard them, ESP if your answer is NO or NOT LIKE THAT.

 

Once they know you've heard them, they're *much* more likely to listen to you.

 

Ok, so kid has calmed down & it turns out he's freaked out because he didn't get his turn. I'd then talk to him about using his words & telling his sibs *nicely* that he'd like his turn, then talking to ME. Nicely. No screaming.

 

We practice that.

 

Then we go to sibs, who pause the wii, & child attempts to say to them NICELY, "I'd like my turn" or something like that.

 

In my house, the sibs usually then tell me, "He didn't want his turn--he wanted us to play for him," etc. That's a separate issue. (They aren't allowed to do that now; he HAS to play his turn, lol.) But usually it's something like that--a perceived injustice--& it makes a WORLD of difference to the little one to know that they can count on you to listen & make things fair. The biggest screamers I've known--even in other families--*always* respond to someone *really* listening to them.

 

I've posted about him before (about being a screamer) and I am hoping for some fresh advice.

 

Whoops. Forgot to add, it's not just Wii- it's everything that involves the siblings. When he's outside on the trampoline with them it's atrocious. It's also embarrassing because the whole neighborhood can hear him. It's exhausting to send the kids out to play because inevitably I am in and out at least 10 times bringing said child in to make him stop.

 

Obviously time outs and removing him from the situation are not working for us. What else is there?

 

Are his sibs treating him fairly in general? You might follow them out there some time when they don't really notice & try to watch their interactions w/out them really realizing they're being watched.

 

My bigs can be bad about forgetting that the littles are *people.* They can forget to treat them w/ the same respect that they treat kids their own age, to listen to them, to be patient w/ shorter attention spans, etc. So the coaching can go for the screamer & for the sibs.

 

:grouphug: It's a lot of work up front, but the results can be pretty quick & amazing.

[Impish]

When dd screams/tantrums she just gets sent to her room till she calms down. I tell her once and then turn around. She tries to negotiate, but then gives up because she's talking to my back and goes to her room. She can come out when she stops screaming.

Yup. Thats what we do here. I cannot stand screaming fits.