How do you allow your teen to talk to you?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I realize that my title puts a certain worldview out there because of the word "allow". I want to treat my children with respect, just as I want to treat anyone. But I do think there is a difference in authority between me as a parent and the teen or child. I also realize that a teen is different from a child. So how do you allow your teen to talk to you especially when it comes to expressing a complaint or a disagreement?

[Remudamom]

Just as you would have any adult talk to you, or as you would speak to any other adult. Respectfully.

[Crissy]

Just as you would have any adult talk to you, or as you would speak to any other adult. Respectfully.

 

:iagree:

 

The same way my husband and I expect that we will speak to each other. The same way I speak to them. Respectfully

 

Using the 'no food in the house' thread as an example, I would expect my 16yo to comment that 'nothing in the house sounds good right now,' if that is true, since I know we all feel that way from time to time.

I don't expect him to tell me I should have shopped better, complain about my cooking, or comment in any way that I should serve him better.

 

I encourage my kids to tell us what is on their mind, but a whining tone of voice and rudeness are not allowed.

[The Girls' Mom]

With respect. Disagreement is allowed. Attitude and complaining are not.

[Trish]

The same way anyone else can talk to me. Bad behavior has to go away for a while until it can return with an apology and a nicer try.

 

I apologize for my unintended sharp tones, so can they.

[MamaT]

My teens are allowed to express their opinions, disagree, etc., but they have to do it respectfully.

 

I've noticed that my older children, once they grow out of their mouthy stage, get indignant with their younger siblings when they hear them saying something in a disrespectful tone. They correct them before I can. I wonder if they forgot that they tried the same thing. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just as you would have any adult talk to you, or as you would speak to any other adult. Respectfully.

 

The thing is, while I'm respectful in a way, I do scold ds13 sometimes. Today he started scolding me back. I told him that I was not yelling at him or using abusive language but my position allows me to correct his behavior. So while I'm respectful in a way, I'm also not an equal.

[LibraryLover]

Allow? I wouldn't call it 'allow', but I do think it's normal for people to melt down at home. If one can't melt down at home, where can one? Holding it together for the rest of the world means it has to come out somewhere.

 

Of course I am talking within reason, not abusive words or deeds. I can't hold my children to a standard I myself can't maintain. Have I snapped at people at work or at the DMV? Hardly. Have I snapped at my kids or dh? Sure. Have they snapped at me? Yes. Do we love and care about each other. Absolutely. Do we apologize when we've slipped up? Of course.

[justamouse]

The thing is, while I'm respectful in a way, I do scold ds13 sometimes. Today he started scolding me back. I told him that I was not yelling at him or using abusive language but my position allows me to correct his behavior. So while I'm respectful in a way, I'm also not an equal.

 

That's a hard age with boys. :grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

That's a hard age with boys. :grouphug:

 

Yes, don't they know just about everything there is to know at that age? ;)

[justamouse]

Yes, don't they know just about everything there is to know at that age? ;)

 

If not, they've a good start on it.

 

Though it beats the crying at 11. :D

[Old Dominion Heather]

Oh, honey! AMEN!!

[Lovedtodeath]

:iagree:

 

The same way my husband and I expect that we will speak to each other. The same way I speak to them. Respectfully

 

Using the 'no food in the house' thread as an example, I would expect my 16yo to comment that 'nothing in the house sounds good right now,' if that is true, since I know we all feel that way from time to time.

I don't expect him to tell me I should have shopped better, complain about my cooking, or comment in any way that I should serve him better.

 

I encourage my kids to tell us what is on their mind, but a whining tone of voice and rudeness are not allowed.

Good example.

 

The thing is, while I'm respectful in a way, I do scold ds13 sometimes. Today he started scolding me back. I told him that I was not yelling at him or using abusive language but my position allows me to correct his behavior. So while I'm respectful in a way, I'm also not an equal.

I have to have this conversation with 8DD all the time.:001_huh::glare:

[Liz CA]

The thing is, while I'm respectful in a way, I do scold ds13 sometimes. Today he started scolding me back. I told him that I was not yelling at him or using abusive language but my position allows me to correct his behavior. So while I'm respectful in a way, I'm also not an equal.

 

Beginning at about age 13, I made it clear to my son that he can tell me whatever his opinion is, whatever his complaint is (no whining), putting forth arguments in favor of his view, etc as long as it is polite.

I made sure to consider some of his suggestions and indeed he thought of some changes in our homeschooling schedule that made sense.

As he realized I was not discarding his opinion because he is still a child, he learned to respectfully voice his views.

He understood that the final word/decision lies with his parents. I would often explain my reasons for doing it a certain way when it was non-negotiable. Sometimes I let him try it his way just to show him that it did not really work (only possible with certain suggestions, of course). Whenever the wording was sassy or bordering on backtalk, I would look at him and calmly say: "Would you like to rephrase this?" It quickly became our warning sign and he usually took a deep breath and tried again.

[sassyscrapperinid]

I have always told my children/teens that I want to keep the lines of communication open because I believe that communication is the key to good realtionships SO I want to hear what is on their minds- that they can tell me anything as long as they say it with RESPECT.

 

...... and yes, I realize that is a run on sentence.... LOL

[elegantlion]

With respect. Disagreement is allowed. Attitude and complaining are not.

 

:iagree: I work on modeling the attitude I want to receive. I notice when I am sharp with him he is sharp with me.

 

Remember when they were little and they started to walk and talk. You have that moment of realization that you helped create this little mini-me walking around. You can see the parts of them they get from you, the parts they get from dh. At 13 the parts they get from you and your dh seem to get magnified through hormones. I can honestly say my ds's attitude is a reflection of what is going on in the household overall. It's sometimes magnified and in your face. It's not just the appearance now, it's everything.

 

I may hold some authority over my child, but on those bad days I have to bring it down to the age 13 understanding for anything to get through his head. Earlier this week I wanted to pluck out his little mustache hairs, I banished him from the classroom once, and I yelled more than normal.

 

I had to take a step back and balance the discipline with a healthy dose of his love language. We all have bad days (or weeks....or years....) and homeschooling can make it harder. We are with our kids most of the day, we see them at the worst, their best and all those weird places in between. It's hard, it's constant adjustment. :grouphug:

[Peela]

Respectful is ideal but we dont always make it. Any of us- except dd16- she is always respectful now I think about it. Dh and ds are loud, expressive, emotional creatures :) and sometimes I have to tell both of them to tone it down and talk to me more respectfully. I have been known to lose my cool too.:)

However I would rather have it a bit loose and loud and real and expressive at times, than repressed and polite all the time. I grew up in a family who didn't express anything- I am now in a family where it all hangs out :) and I know I prefer what we have now.

[mktkcb]

well, in my perfect world, I guess I wouldn't "allow" disrespectful speech at all. In my real world, my kids are occasionally or frequently (some days) disrespectful, in spite of my not "allowing" it, in which case they get their tushies kicked and have to rewind and incur consequences. For me, not "allowing" it doesn't mean it doesn't happen, it just means we deal with it. But then, I have more than one rather high strung, spd teenager, so I do know that there are parents that don't "allow" it, and their kids got the message long ago and actually don't do it. I would say that the word "allow" can have a variety of meanings depending on circumstances and temperaments.

[Jean in Newcastle]

well, in my perfect world, I guess I wouldn't "allow" disrespectful speech at all. In my real world, my kids are occasionally or frequently (some days) disrespectful, in spite of my not "allowing" it, in which case they get their tushies kicked and have to rewind and incur consequences. For me, not "allowing" it doesn't mean it doesn't happen, it just means we deal with it. But then, I have more than one rather high strung, spd teenager, so I do know that there are parents that don't "allow" it, and their kids got the message long ago and actually don't do it. I would say that the word "allow" can have a variety of meanings depending on circumstances and temperaments.

 

You and I have the same definition of "allow".

 

I really appreciate reading everyone's thoughts. I went to boarding school from the time I was 11, so I don't have memory to fall back on for a functional or even dysfunctional family with teens.

[SonshineLearner]

I figure that if you allow decent communication, including some serious emotional outburst, that perhaps the aftermath won't be too bad. I do "Try" to have attitudes harnessed.... and sometimes it works... I'm thinknig that the next few years will get easier... (wishing at least :))

[Natalieclare]

Hahaha! I had to laugh and nod my head in agreement with the poster who wrote of "allowing" one thing and having another thing be the actuality.

 

In addition to some of the techniques already mentioned, sometimes I try to get my kids to imagine they are speaking to an employer. Seems like that helps them take a step back and tone things down a little.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Hahaha! I had to laugh and nod my head in agreement with the poster who wrote of "allowing" one thing and having another thing be the actuality.

 

In addition to some of the techniques already mentioned, sometimes I try to get my kids to imagine they are speaking to an employer. Seems like that helps them take a step back and tone things down a little.

 

Hey, I used that today about the employer! I guess I'm on the right track. (I've always admired how you've raised your kids.)

[mhgillil]

Just as you would have any adult talk to you, or as you would speak to any other adult. Respectfully.

 

Totally agree. Rudeness, attitude, whining, etc., are not okay. And if they can't comply, they can't complain.

[Sweetpeach]

Respectful is ideal but we dont always make it. Any of us- except dd16- she is always respectful now I think about it. Dh and ds are loud, expressive, emotional creatures :) and sometimes I have to tell both of them to tone it down and talk to me more respectfully. I have been known to lose my cool too.:)

However I would rather have it a bit loose and loud and real and expressive at times, than repressed and polite all the time. I grew up in a family who didn't express anything- I am now in a family where it all hangs out :) and I know I prefer what we have now.[/quote/]

 

I like Peela's approach on young teens and disrespect. I have a 12.5 year old, first born, who sometimes forgets he's not the King of Swing around here. When he's acting like that, I don't have at the poor attitude "in the moment" because it just puts us at logger-heads and it becomes a stubborn-fight.

 

I "allow" cranky expressions of feeling over here b/c sometimes, I'm cranky. I don't see how I can hold my children to a level of behaviour/emotional balance that I don't achieve everyday.

 

I feel like it's a huge priviledge of mothering when I get to "contain" my kids big emotions and then reteach the disrespectful attitude/behaviour at a moment when they can receive my words at heart-level instead of "acting" repentent to avoid punishment.

 

I really like the idea of teaching teens to speak to mom and dad like they would speak to an employer . . . stepping back from the emotion, putting a nice long space between what I would like to say and what I end up saying. I think that's a teaching process which stretches way past the teen years.

 

T

[ciyates]

If not, they've a good start on it.

 

Though it beats the crying at 11. :D

 

:iagree::iagree: It is tough age for them. However you are still the mom and still demand the respect. DH overheard a tone once from DS and pointed out "That is my wife. She has was my wife long before she was your mother and you will not speak to my wife that way." LOL poor DS :D DS is struggling to become a man so sometimes I overlook tones or attitudes that I would not accept from younger child. As with most situations, I feel you should allow what you feel comfortable with.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I often talk to all of my family members about how best to talk to each other. I have commented to my dh that he would use more respect in correcting an employee than he does occasionally in correcting our sometimes very challenging dd. She is definitely showing signs of growth in the past few years, and I am feeling very hopeful that 12 will be a landmark birthday (next Tuesday) for her. However, we are both expressive creatures and sometimes both of us get it wrong. I know I am there to model exemplary behavior and I also don't always meet that standard. So I do empathize with her when she is having difficulty; however, I do communicate her that a certain tone, certain body language, and certain words are unacceptable. Again and again. :)

[LibraryLover]

Isn't it funny that so often this sort of thing seems to be more about personality than parenting? My oldest dd is like yours. I don't know that she has ever raised her voice at me. She is not one to argue or push at all. Sometimes it's odd to me. lol She cried about something recently, and that was not at all like her. I let it go, I hugged her, even. If she is upset, there is something to be upset about.

 

My youngest son, otoh, wears his heart on his sleeve and has millions of opinions about the smallest things. He's my 'do not engage child'. lol Even then, it's not anything terrible...just he has a brain -to- mouth filter than is not as finely tuned as his siblings'. His dad and I have conversations with him that begin with, "It's not always appropriate to articulate every thought that pops into your head", which does seem to help a lot. He's not being malicious, that I can tell. My husband is very good about asking in a firm, but easy voice, "Did you mean to say that, or did you only mean to think it?" :tongue_smilie:

 

Respectful is ideal but we dont always make it. Any of us- except dd16- she is always respectful now I think about it. Dh and ds are loud, expressive, emotional creatures :) and sometimes I have to tell both of them to tone it down and talk to me more respectfully. I have been known to lose my cool too.:)

However I would rather have it a bit loose and loud and real and expressive at times, than repressed and polite all the time. I grew up in a family who didn't express anything- I am now in a family where it all hangs out :) and I know I prefer what we have now.

[Peela]

Isn't it funny that so often this sort of thing seems to be more about personality than parenting?

 

Yes, I really think that is true.

I was a great parent until my 2nd came along :)

[LibraryLover]

Yes, I really think that is true.

I was a great parent until my 2nd came along :)

 

:iagree::lol: Had I stopped at one child, I would be the most obnoxious parent alive, instead of one of the most. ;) We think it's all about us and it is so not. I do not know why the heavens gave people individual temperments and personalities. lol

Edited March 26, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Lovedtodeath]

Cranky is not the same as disrespectful. My DD likes to point out all of my faults and shift any blame of hers onto my own failings and complain that I am not good enough... or if she is to do a chore, then what is Mom doing? Mom you should be doing it too, or more than me, etc.

 

See the food thread. A kid should not think that they have the right to tell Mom that she is doing a bad job. Cranky is different. Kwim?

 

Hi-jack: I haven't been perfect in example or expectations from the day of her birth. I had severe PPD and was terrible during that time. That is where she got a lot of this attitude. For her sanity she had to ignore what I said. But I have been better for 2 years now and she is keeping the same attitude. It just isn't helpful to say that it has never been allowed or I have always modeled a good attitude, etc. now, is it? It is too late.

 

Here is an example of DDs attitude: I go through emotional blackmail with her all day long. I will tell her to empty the dishwasher. "Why?" It is one of your chores. "But today we were going to..." JUST DO IT! "See that is the kind of attitude that makes me yell at you and lock myself in my room." The thing is when I had PPD this would be acceptable part of the time. But now I am much much better and this type of behavior from her is worse. She uses it as an excuse to get out of everything.

[TammyinTN]

I have always tried to talk to my children the way I would like to be spoken to. When it's life or death...they know the difference in my tone. ;) But usually I try to speak with kindness in a soft voice.

[Jen in NY]

I would look at him and calmly say: "Would you like to rephrase this?" It quickly became our warning sign and he usually took a deep breath and tried again.

 

Thank you for this, Liz! I love it.

[Lovedtodeath]

I have always tried to talk to my children the way I would like to be spoken to. When it's life or death...they know the difference in my tone. ;) But usually I try to speak with kindness in a soft voice.

But how when your child insists on arguing with everything and interrupting you when you are speaking? The interrupting is the biggest thing that makes me raise my voice, not yell, but be louder than the kid.

Edited March 26, 2011 by Lovedtodeath

[LibraryLover]

I don't know exactly what she is doing/saying, but for mine with the sometimes malfunctioning filter, I let him know that we need to remember to be kind to each other. We can say "I am upset", but we can't be cruel. I don't try to talk over him. I will ignore one quietly muttered sigh or 'Man". (I pick my battles, if a sigh gets him through, that's fine with me. I don't hear it. For me, it's pointless to engage in every sound.

 

He knows what chores he needs to do. He has flexibility in the time frame, but the downstairs bathroom has to be cleaned before Sunday, and the dishwasher has to be unloaded before 12, so we can use it during the day. (A couple of dishes in the sink is fine...I am not that picky.) I don't argue about this, it's simply something that needs to be done. Kids who yammer about minor things like simple chores often do better with a list rather than verbal reminders.

 

Building connection is very important. For me this means having conversations about things that are not about chores , or telling them how rude they are. I often share fun family stories (without saying "You used to be so cute", compliment ("I enjoyed listening to you play the piano this morning. It was so relaxing" or 'Thanks for taking out the chicken to defrost", even if I did call to ask or remind), touching gently on the back of the head in passing and not commenting if they move away, sneaking a quick kiss on the top of a head, playing Bananagrams, watching a movie together, remembering to pick up a favorite food etc..

 

I think it's very important not to hold grudges against general teen angst (and I don't know what degrees of this you're dealing with). Because we might have had a misunderstanding the night before when people were tired, does not mean I need to carry that over into the next morning. Each day is a new day for me. I see my dc is a very loving person. I don't have any concerns about his general character or heart.

 

 

But how when your child insists on arguing with everything and interrupting you when you are speaking? The interrupting is the biggest thing that makes me raise my voice, not yell, but be louder than the kid.

Edited March 26, 2011 by LibraryLover

[texasmama]

She is allowed to express any opinion she wants to, as long as it is done respectfully, meaning that she needs to speak in a normal volume (no yelling) and not insult or demean any person or their point of view while doing it. Eye rolling and sarcasm are not appropriate when having these discussions. She's really pretty good about keeping to these rules. She removes herself to her room if she gets hot under the collar, which is perfectly fine. We discuss it when calmer heads prevail.

[Joanne]

Interesting thread and interesting timing.

 

There is a hierarchy in my home; my kids are aware of it. That said, we have, as a family, a quirky, informal, contemporary and snarky way of relating. My boys (with my dd, it's not an issue) have an intuitive understanding of "the line" and only rarely cross it.

 

We had a bonus kid overnight. My oldest son asked a friend from school over. I worked until late and am at work now, so my time interacting with him was limited. He's 15 and he didn't get "the line". It's almost as though he anticipates and expects an adversarial, combative relationship with adults. It's not personal to me; I wasn't there long enough for him to know me at all. He *argued* with me when I said enough outside play (it was late). :glare::001_huh: My kids would not argue. They *for sure* would not argue at a new-to-them home as a first time guest! There's more.......

 

But it did highlight some of the issues you brought up.

 

My teens talk to me in mature language that I minimally censor. However, I am able to cultivate that because my kids typically respect me as a close, loving, playful authority.

[QueenCat]

 

The same way my husband and I expect that we will speak to each other. The same way I speak to them. Respectfully

 

Using the 'no food in the house' thread as an example, I would expect my 16yo to comment that 'nothing in the house sounds good right now,' if that is true, since I know we all feel that way from time to time.

I don't expect him to tell me I should have shopped better, complain about my cooking, or comment in any way that I should serve him better.

 

I encourage my kids to tell us what is on their mind, but a whining tone of voice and rudeness are not allowed.

 

:iagree:Exactly.

[texasmama]

There is a hierarchy in my home; my kids are aware of it. That said, we have, as a family, a quirky, informal, contemporary and snarky way of relating. My boys (with my dd, it's not an issue) have an intuitive understanding of "the line" and only rarely cross it.

 

This fits my teen dd to a tee, as well as my family. My teenager understands "the line". My eight year old has a very sharp (and very funny and sarcastic at times) wit, but we are still in the training phase about where the line is so he frequently crosses it. No worries. He will get there and just be a funny sarcastic person like the rest of us.;)

[LibraryLover]

:) to you & Joanne. We also tend towards relaxed, but loving, banter. I am sure some of the things not on our radar might be considered very wrong in another home. We don't swear, but we are playful and tend not to take some things too seriously. My children are very polite in 'the world', even though we might be more relaxed at home than others. I am very proud of my kids --and their ability to understand their 'audience'. :tongue_smilie:

 

This fits my teen dd to a tee, as well as my family. My teenager understands "the line". My eight year old has a very sharp (and very funny and sarcastic at times) wit, but we are still in the training phase about where the line is so he frequently crosses it. No worries. He will get there and just be a funny sarcastic person like the rest of us.;)

[Rosie_0801]

My husband is very good about asking in a firm, but easy voice, "Did you mean to say that, or did you only mean to think it?" :tongue_smilie:

 

That must be one of the most useful lines ever spoken. :D

 

But how when your child insists on arguing with everything and interrupting you when you are speaking? The interrupting is the biggest thing that makes me raise my voice, not yell, but be louder than the kid.

 

When my mother encountered such people she would stop talking and raise her eyebrows. That would stop most people. And when "I'm bigger than you" stopped working, it became "because I'm the Mum!" And as we were clever enough to realise, that meant "I'm richer than you, so you'd better play nice or I won't share!" Oh, what fun times I have to look forward to.

 

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

We have a quirky fun banter going on too. And dd9 is the one who has troubles with boundaries with that.

 

But ds13 can escalate very quickly into burning anger (he's almost punched a hole through a wall before) and his language when angry can become abusive at it's worst. I've had trouble with my own anger in the past - more of a scathingly sarcastic kind of thing - and I've had to learn how to become the calm ice woman when dealing with him. He's my child I've had to work with from day one with modeling self talk and now how to express legitimate feelings in a respectful and non-abusive way. He's also my most openly loving and snuggly child even now at 13.

[texasmama]

:) to you & Joanne. We also tend towards relaxed, but loving, banter. I am sure some of the things not on our radar might be considered very wrong in another home. We don't swear, but we are playful and tend not to take some things too seriously. My children are very polite in 'the world', even though we might be more relaxed at home than others. I am very proud of my kids --and their ability to understand their 'audience'. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: Absolutely! This is us, as well. It is very rare that my kids (I should say my eight year old because he is the one who will do it if anyone will) crosses the line with anyone but our immediate family. He made a snarky comment to the piano teacher recently, which was reported by my ten year old (one of the benefits of tattling ;)). I addressed it with him and with the piano teacher myself and also had him address it with her. He was quite sobered when he learned that his comment could be taken as disrespectful. Her feedback was that my kids are always so respectful and polite that she laughed off his comment. I don't think he will do this again, though. Even though I handled it very gently and the piano teacher was very nice and forgiving, the lesson was learned because he was mortified.;)

[Lovedtodeath]

It's almost as though he anticipates and expects an adversarial, combative relationship with adults. It's not personal to me; I wasn't there long enough for him to know me at all. He *argued* with me when I said enough outside play (it was late). :glare::001_huh: My kids would not argue. They *for sure* would not argue at a new-to-them home as a first time guest! There's more.......

This exactly. The cycle needs to be broken, I am just at a loss as to how.

 

But ds13 can escalate very quickly into burning anger (he's almost punched a hole through a wall before) and his language when angry can become abusive at it's worst. I've had trouble with my own anger in the past - more of a scathingly sarcastic kind of thing - and I've had to learn how to become the calm ice woman when dealing with him. He's my child I've had to work with from day one with modeling self talk and now how to express legitimate feelings in a respectful and non-abusive way. He's also my most openly loving and snuggly child even now at 13.

:iagree:Yes. This. She is always talking about the need to get her anger out and threatening violence. Edited March 26, 2011 by Lovedtodeath

[TammyinTN]

But how when your child insists on arguing with everything and interrupting you when you are speaking? The interrupting is the biggest thing that makes me raise my voice, not yell, but be louder than the kid.

 

I ask that they please allow me to finish what I'm saying then they may speak. I did this basically from the start and so it's not been a real issue. I simply refuse to yell and engage in it.

[pqr]

With respect. Disagreement is allowed. Attitude and complaining are not.

 

I understand that there may be complaints, it would be unusal if a child never had a complaint, but attitude would never be allowed. It also comes down to how a child is raised, I did complain, but display "attitude" towards my parents???----unthinkable.

[Lovedtodeath]

I understand that there may be complaints, it would be unusal if a child never had a complaint, but attitude would never be allowed. It also comes down to how a child is raised, I did complain, but display "attitude" towards my parents???----unthinkable.

See, I think this is part of my problem. I was raised that any emotions got you in trouble and sometimes the trouble was a slap in the face. Crying was punishable as well. And I know the crying was sincere quiet crying... not screaming type crying to get my way... So I tend to go the other way and allow too much and now I have an out of control child who doesn't reign in her emotions at all.

 

Oh and even though I typically acted with much, much more respect I certainly didn't feel it... at all. KWIM?

[justamouse]

:) to you & Joanne. We also tend towards relaxed, but loving, banter. I am sure some of the things not on our radar might be considered very wrong in another home. We don't swear, but we are playful and tend not to take some things too seriously. My children are very polite in 'the world', even though we might be more relaxed at home than others. I am very proud of my kids --and their ability to understand their 'audience'. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

This is us to a T.

[Lovedtodeath]

Okay, another scenario with a question: I am sweeping up a pile of spilled debris. Child is assigned the part of picking up pieces too large for the dustpan. She is standing there ready to help. I go to get the dustpan and child does nothing to help me and instead starts looking for the phone and asking where it is. So I snap at her. "You are not getting the phone you are helping me." Because I snapped at her does that give her the right to cross her arms, stomp out of the room, say that I yelled at her (I didn't I just used a snappish tone of voice) and refuse to do as she was told? Then complain to other family members about me and they join in? Is this the acceptable course of events?

 

I ask that they please allow me to finish what I'm saying then they may speak. I did this basically from the start and so it's not been a real issue. I simply refuse to yell and engage in it.

Maybe I can establish a hand signal or something.

[TammyinTN]

Okay, another scenario with a question: I am sweeping up a pile of spilled debris. Child is assigned the part of picking up pieces too large for the dustpan. She is standing there ready to help. I go to get the dustpan and child does nothing to help me and instead starts looking for the phone and asking where it is. So I snap at her. "You are not getting the phone you are helping me." Because I snapped at her does that give her the right to cross her arms, stomp out of the room, say that I yelled at her (I didn't I just used a snappish tone of voice) and refuse to do as she was told? Then complain to other family members about me and they join in? Is this the acceptable course of events?

 

Maybe I can establish a hand signal or something.

 

 

 

Direction is key ...I'm sorry I don't know the kids ages, but kids like to please their parents. Make it fun to help. Don't snap..just say...we are doing this right now and we can get the phone in just a little bit. Praise them for helping...I always like to be spoken to kindly and not snapped at and I'm sure your the same way. Mom sets the tone in the house...if we set a peaceful, but respectful tone..things will get done. It's sort of like retraining them and ourselves. I grew up in a slamming, hitting household and swore my kids never would and didn't. Make the change to be calm, firm and consistent. You can do this and get Dad on board as well as the other family members. :grouphug:

[Lovedtodeath]

I get that, and thank you for your suggestion but you did not really answer my question.

 

Two separate questions, for everyone, and this are sincere because this really seems to be what everyone is saying:

 

Is it really wrong to snap every time? I should never snap at the child no matter what their actions?

 

If I do not pull this off perfectly and I snap I do then it is okay for my child and others in the household to ignore and ridicule me?

Edited March 26, 2011 by Lovedtodeath