Raising pre/teen daughter's....what age: makeup, trendy dress, ears pierrced, dating?

[sheryl]

After church my dh and I met our almost 12 yo dd in the courtyard. DD was walking with a friend of hers who is about 9 months older. My dd turns 12 in a couple of months - May, and her friend “V†will turn 13 in Sept.

 

I’m casual friends with V’s Mom. They are a beautiful Christian family. After I said hi to the girls (my dd and V), I noticed V looked a little more mature than I’ve ever noticed….she was wearing a little make-up. She’s taller and a little “fullerâ€. V was also wearing black tights under a little jean skirt. I’m not sure how I feel about a 12 yo wearing make up. The outfit was tasteful, I think. The skirt was several inches above the knee however.

 

Gee, when did all of this happen? :confused: I’m just not sure how I feel about this. My dd was dressed in a below the knee length pink rosette and tiered knee-length skirt, a pink top, white sweater on top, hose and open platform sandals. DD was not wearing make up as we don't allow it, yet. She does wear little capri’s under skirts that are knee length for a little current fashion flair. She has sparkly tops and jeans and so on that look current to me, but even though they are current, they are still modest. She loves to braid her hair in funky braids.

 

I’m not wanting to exclude anyone from answering, however, I would like to hear from Christian Moms and Dads on this board when you let your dd’s: wear make-up, ears pierced, “pre/teen clothing†and anything else you can think of. I'll save the "dating" question for a few years.....or will I? :tongue_smilie: OK, let's address that issue too. She is NO WHERE dating, but I was talking to my dh last night mentioning that in the near future, even though it's hopefully years down the road, a young man will ask her on a date.

 

Am I just too square? As a first time older Mom, perhaps that’s me. I do believe in modesty, but I also want my dd to “fit inâ€. I do strongly believe in being sanctified or set apart, however, that can be done even in today's world. Let me add, that I do believe there is a "total package"....dress, hair (let's not repeat thread on this), etc, etc.

 

I also know extremes can backfire in any direction. Kids who are raised w/o Christ in their lives, come to know and accept Him. OTOH, my cousin's son and dil have 6 kids. They are a very conservative Christian homeschooling family and their dd, E, left home at 18....she's was living with a boy, broke up and the story continues. She has backslidden from the L-rd.

 

Now, please give me your insights, practice, etc. This is NOT a topic for debate. If it turns into that, the thread will likely be deleted, so please do not let that happen. I'd like to hear what you have to say.

 

THANKS!

Edited February 27, 2011 by sheryl

[Veritaserum]

My oldest will be 11 in May. Our girls can get their ears pierced when they want to. So far, only our 8yo has wanted to. I will insist on modest clothing, which we define as covering shoulders to knees. Like you, I allow leggings under shorter skirts.

 

WRT make-up, I feel ok about lip gloss, but not mascara or eye shadow until probably 13-14. Dating will be 16 years and up, which is a common standard at our church. I'm ok with mixed sex group stuff (supervised) before then. Dd's best friend is a boy who lives across the street. Dd is a tomboy, so I'm not sure when she will even want to wear make-up....

[Mejane]

Well, I'm not Christian, but my dd was not allowed to wear a ton of makeup or provocative clothing at 12. She really didn't start wearing makeup until recently (she's 18), and it's minimal. Her clothing is trendy, but not trashy. You can find a balance. :001_smile:

 

I think you can instruct and have rules without driving your kids away if you are reasonable and your kids are treated like people with minds of their own. You are wise to realize that what happened to your friend's 18yo can happen in families where growing kids are given no choices.

[sheryl]

My oldest will be 11 in May. Our girls can get their ears pierced when they want to. So far, only our 8yo has wanted to. I will insist on modest clothing, which we define as covering shoulders to knees. Like you, I allow leggings under shorter skirts.

 

WRT make-up, I feel ok about lip gloss, but not mascara or eye shadow until probably 13-14. Dating will be 16 years and up, which is a common standard at our church. I'm ok with mixed sex group stuff (supervised) before then. Dd's best friend is a boy who lives across the street. Dd is a tomboy, so I'm not sure when she will even want to wear make-up....

 

OK Laura! Thanks for your reply. We're pretty much on the same page with ya. Our dd doesn't have pierced ears yet, but now that she's turning 12 we will let her. My dd is girly girl and tomboy both. I forgot to say she does wear lip gloss, but that's it. What is WRT? Everything else above I agree with. I thought I was maybe being overly protective. :D

[sheryl]

Well, I'm not Christian, but my dd was not allowed to wear a ton of makeup or provocative clothing at 12. She really didn't start wearing makeup until recently (she's 18), and it's minimal. Her clothing is trendy, but not trashy. You can find a balance. :001_smile:

 

I think you can instruct and have rules without driving your kids away if you are reasonable and your kids are treated like people with minds of their own. You are wise to realize that what happened to your friend's 18yo can happen in families where growing kids are given no choices.

 

Thanks, Jane. I appreciate it.

[HistoryMom]

I'm not a Christian, so thank you for letting me chime in. :)

 

I struggle with the same issue. I believe that children should dress modestly, and I'm very uncomfortable with many of the current fashions (tight shirts and pants, short skirts, etc.). I just think that children should look and behave like children, not like little wannabe sex-pots. It sends the wrong message to others and makes them think of themselves and their bodies in ways that aren't appropriate or desireable. We don't let the kids (DD and DSs) watch certain TV shows because the tween girls are just too glammed up for our comfort, and we don't want any of them to think that it's normal. I don't want DD to judge her body based on how grown-up it looks, but instead on how healthy and strong it is. I've started making skirts for her because the ones in the store are always too short or too tight, and I buy her jeans and shorts in the boys department. It's one of the benefits we're seeing from homeschooling. DD no longer asks for the clothes she sees the other girls wearing, and she's happy with those we provide.

 

Re: Ear-piercing and make-up. My mom set the rule that we could decide when we were 14 if we wanted to do pierce ears and wear light, age-appropriate make-up. We have the same rule.

 

Good luck to all of us. :)

Edited February 27, 2011 by HistoryMom

[Ferdie]

My dd just turned 12 and she is allowed to wear blush and lip gloss. She has tried to wear eye makeup, but I told her no eye makeup until a later date, ( I am thinking 8th grade).

 

She started shaving on her own - not sure what age. She just borrowed my razor and shaved.

 

She got her ears pierced around age 10. We waited until she was responsible enough to care for her ears/earrings.

 

She follows her school clothing policy for her regular dress too. She wears spaghetti straps around the house in the summer, but never out of the house. Her skirts are fingertips length or longer. For some reason she doesn't like shorts and wear capris. The only thing she wishes we would allow are two piece bathing suits. She has the tankini kind but would love to own a regular two piece. Right now that doesn't work for us.

 

She got contact lens for her 12 birthday. She has wanted them for years but we waited until we thought she could take care of them.

 

My dh and I haven't determined a dating age, but she won't be dating in middle school. That is for sure.

 

So glad you are thinking of these things now because this issues are important to many preteens.

[6packofun]

We let our dds get their ears pierced at age 10, more of a celebration/fun thing that they get to do at a certain age to make it fair all around. lol ;)

 

As for other stuff, I guess we've just never made a big deal about fashion or make-up (not having a lot of money helps) and so our girls have their own tastes, but none of them wear make-up yet. They are 12 (next month), 13, and almost 16. I don't prohibit it, but told them at 13 if they wanted a little foundation, VERY natural blush and lip gloss, it was ok. None of them has taken me up on it. LOL!!

 

I think kids are all different and that plays a part as well as all the kids they hang out with. My girls are mostly immune to following other girls in this stuff--not something I purposely tried to do--so I don't know if my answer helps. lol I've always tried to guide my girls a bit with their fashion choices, what few they have, and right now I'm trying to think of ANYTHING to get my middle dd tomboy to dress up just a bit more for church--it's a battle! Before now, our main thing is if it's modest, it's OK. We talk a lot about modesty and my girls do well with what they have, trying to look nice, but having their own style.

[Veritaserum]

OK Laura! Thanks for your reply. We're pretty much on the same page with ya. Our dd doesn't have pierced ears yet, but now that she's turning 12 we will let her. My dd is girly girl and tomboy both. I forgot to say she does wear lip gloss, but that's it. What is WRT? Everything else above I agree with. I thought I was maybe being overly protective. :D

 

WRT = with regard to :)

 

I think you sound very reasonable. :)

[newbie]

I think 16 is a good age to start make up , light and well applicated. These girls on tv are overdone. Sends wrong msg.

 

No shaving til needed, my girls dont wear outfits to show legs or underarms, so they are cool.

 

Also, my dd's refuse to wear makeup. Personal preference.

 

Dating is a no, til after a college degree, we'll see how long that lasts.

[Amber in SJ]

I have a 16yo dd, a 13 yo dd and a 9 yo dd. So we are in the thick of this with you :001_smile:

 

At 12 I allow ear piercing, colored lip gloss, and mascara. We are all very blond so without mascara none of us have eyelashes. I also allow a little powder make-up if there is concern about wanting to cover zits. The ear peircing thing is not because I think it looks tacky any younger but because I don't want to take care of them and by 12 they can do it themselves.

 

By 14 they are allowed to go to dances so they want eyeshadow and brighter lipcolor, etc. My oldest went through a heavy eyeliner period but it passed quickly.

 

At 16 they can date, but it still remains mostly group dating.

 

The clothing thing is easy (relatively) for us as all the young women in the church we go to have the same recommended standards. If they don't meet those standards they are not allowed into dances or other social activities. Dresses and shorts must come to the knee, nothing sheer and there must be some kind of sleeve, even small cap sleeves are OK. No bare midriff or butt crack showing. Some things are left up to interpretation, like whether or not tights or capri leggings under a mini-skirt make it modest. At our house this is a no. We also do not do excessively tight clothing. If I can see your bellybutton or bra hardware through your shirt it is too tight. If a person standing over your shoulder (like most boys can for my short daughters) can see straight down your shirt you need to wear a cami. These have been their dress standards their entire lives. I didn't want to go the route of dressing them in cute tank tops and sundresses and then when their bodies start developing tell them they need to cover up.

 

We talk to our girls about how their clothing choice can make them feel powerful. Dressing in a certain way can make the boys look at them, and that can feel great, but they need to make sure that their clothes and make-up are not saying things about them that are not true. It is a fact that we live in a society that will make assumptions about you by how you dress/ look.

 

My oldest went through a pink hair phase. She has white blonde hair and at 14 she wanted a streak of pink in the front, so I let her. It was non-permanent color and she had a hot-pink streak in the front or pink tips on the bottom for about 6 months. Sometimes she tried blue, green or purple, but she really loved that hot pink. It was pretty cute, if I do say so myself. But the comments we got at church were not so cute. One person asked her if she'd be comfortable meeting Jesus with that hair. She said she would. One family offered to pray for us and our "wayward" daughter. I offered to pray for their judgemental attitude. This is a child who goes to a 6am scripture study class every day and reads her scriptures on her own every night. I am not worried about her hair.

 

Unfortunately, this issue can make you, the parent, feel like you are making stuff up as you go. Styles come out that would have never occured to you, thong undies showing under extreme low-rise jeans come to mind. It is the same with new technology, but that is a whole 'nother can 'o worms, eh?

 

It is important to find out what your daughter is thinking. Does she want to wear something different? How does she feel about make-up? Does she see other people noticing her friend's clothing? All good conversations.

 

Good luck,

Amber in SJ

[Sarah CB]

I had my dd's ears pierced when she was a baby, but we allowed her to get a second ear piercing at 13. She wears small studs in her second piercing. When she turned 15 I took her to MAC to have her make-up done and have them explain how to apply make-up. I also bought her a few things from there. She does her make-up tastefully.

 

We're not considering dating yet, we've always talked to dd about courtship and she has seemed onboard but I'm aware that her feelings about that may change.

 

Dd dresses differently than I'd prefer. She likes skinny jeans, but she doesn't wear short skirts or skimpy tops. She wears too much black, but then I look at my closet and it's just about all black so I can't really complain. She wears her hair short when I would prefer that she grow it out.

 

This age is hard because they start making their own choices about how they want to look and sometimes those choices aren't the ones I'd make. I don't really want to die on a fashion hill, so I let her have a lot of leeway when it comes to clothing, hair, etc. The control freak in me wants to throw out her high tops and make her wear matching socks and perhaps wear a pretty skirt once in a while, but I'm holding the control freak back.

[6packofun]

Forgot to add: Dating. We've talked to our oldest about it and will never say no outright to dating after age 16, BUT I think we've done a good job of impressing upon her "What is the point??" of dating at an age when it's only going to lead to temptations and waiting and waiting until you ARE old enough for the best cause of dating with integrity--finding a lifelong partner. She sees teen casual dating as pointless and not a good use of her energy or emotions.

 

Now, this is not to say that she hasn't had some crushes and all of that. Teens have a right to those feelings. It's what we do with them that counts. Caring and even preferring someone of the opposite sex through actions like getting to know them better, serving them and treating them well while still remembering your regular friends is one thing; pairing off with the label boyfriend-girlfriend and all the activities that society emphasizes as normal for that label is not something my girls are going to get into. Their hearts get plenty of practice without the physical temptations (and regrets) to go along with it. I pray that they keep this attitude until they're ready to handle dating as a means of working and loving their way towards marriage.

[Sparkle]

My dd is only 11...I do try to keep her dressed modestly. She is starting to develop curves but she is not all that interested in fashion yet. She would rather be comfortable, so I just try to find cute comfy clothes for her.

 

I'd be OK with her wanting to pierce her ears but she has not shown interest in that yet, nor in wearing makeup. I'd let her wear a little lip gloss and nail color if she wanted but she hasn't asked. Dating is still far off on the horizon.

[LibraryLover]

For this moment in time, my 11 yr old is still wearing her long peasant skirts, and makeup is not yet on her radar. I am wanting to get her eyebrows tweezed, but she's never mentioned it and I don't want her to worry about that. I asked my 18 yr dd to wear a pale lipstick and a tiny bit of blusher to her grandmother's recent funeral luncheon...she just did not look finished without it. She did so, but has never touched the little Burt's Bees pack again. Of course, my 18 yr old would not enjoy wearing her little sisters clothing. :)

 

However, a girl can only wear pink frills for so long before it does start to look a bit silly...it's ok for growing girls to want a little less of a little girl/more sophisticated look.

 

One thing I've noticed is that if an older child wears more 'trendy' clothing, it can also look nice and not flashy. I certainly think that about my 18 yr old. She doesn't look the least bit harsh. I would think a little skirt with black tights a pretty tame look. Dark cotton tights are just pretty much longer leggings. A little pale lip gloss to me is basically chapstick, and in winter it's better than peeling skin on the lips. A little light blusher in winter is not worse a look than sun-kissed cheeks in summer.

 

I don't know what this peer of your dd ended up looking like, but from the description it really doesn't sound 'trashy'. It can be hard to watch our darling little gilrs grow up, but growing up is normal and natural. What is not so great is thinking our girls are the same people at 11/12/13 as they were at 6/7/8. It's difficult for us to let go a little, but it's what we need to do as parents. There is a middle place between the cute little girls outfits we enjoy so much and the Pole Dancer look.

 

I find it's easier on my heart to embrace the growing of my dds than to dread it. There are other good things to come...even as the look on the outside changes, as it must.

Edited February 27, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Bird Girl]

My dd is a little younger than the pre-teen stage, but we have considered some of these issues. Frankly, I agree with a lot of what the original poster has decided. My dd doesn't have pierced ears because I do not want to deal with them--I think the tenth birthday is a good milestone for that. I hope that she will continue to dress in the way she does now--she has a great fashion sense, much better than mine. She always looks modest, and she'll wear many different colors and color combinations--I always resort to neutrals.

 

By the way, the modest dressing is a habit I hope to permanently foster. My niece, whom I love dearly, has always dressed in a very revealing way--to every event, including family events. She's such a sweet, lovely person, but to all and sundry she looks like a kind of person that she's not. Also, it affects how her uncles can relate to her--they have to hug her awkwardly, and so on. She's very close to me in age, so I can't really take her aside for a chat, but I wish she could see the way that she's selling herself short.

[TravelingChris]

My rules changed for the girls. My first one, didn't wear make-up till she was in high school- about 14. My younger one was allowed to start wearing foundation about the same time, if she wanted, so 11. Why? Because the younger one has a red face and looks much nicer with foundation that covers that up.

 

As to dating, my older one hasn't ever dated or wanted to date and she is 17.5. I think she will date in college. My youngest, we will see. But certainly not dating alone until at least 16 and then in only certain circumstances- like chaperoned party, movies with others, etc. I hope she ends up more like the rest of us (both parents, older siblings) and isn't really interested until she is about 17 or 18.

[LibraryLover]

That's true here as well, and we know a couple of girls, both schooled and hs'd who do not (but could). I have often wondered why some kids are so content to not date for so long...especially in our society, in families who are not against thoughtful dating. My dd is so lovely, and comfortable talking to her peers; I am surprised she has never dated (she has talked about boys, oh yes lol ), but she has said that she isn't ready for drama or thinking about anyone in that way. So I just answered my own why question. lol

 

My rules changed for the girls. My first one, didn't wear make-up till she was in high school- about 14. My younger one was allowed to start wearing foundation about the same time, if she wanted, so 11. Why? Because the younger one has a red face and looks much nicer with foundation that covers that up.

 

As to dating, my older one hasn't ever dated or wanted to date and she is 17.5. I think she will date in college. My youngest, we will see. But certainly not dating alone until at least 16 and then in only certain circumstances- like chaperoned party, movies with others, etc. I hope she ends up more like the rest of us (both parents, older siblings) and isn't really interested until she is about 17 or 18.

Edited February 27, 2011 by LibraryLover

[sheryl]

I'm not a Christian, so thank you for letting me chime in. :)

 

I struggle with the same issue. I believe that children should dress modestly, and I'm very uncomfortable with many of the current fashions (tight shirts and pants, short skirts, etc.). I just think that children should look and behave like children, not like little wannabe sex-pots. It sends the wrong message to others and makes them think of themselves and their bodies in ways that aren't appropriate or desireable. We don't let the kids (DD and DSs) watch certain TV shows because the tween girls are just too glammed up for our comfort, and we don't want any of them to think that it's normal. I don't want DD to judge her body based on how grown-up it looks, but instead on how healthy and strong it is. I've started making skirts for her because the ones in the store are always too short or too tight, and I buy her jeans and shorts in the boys department. It's one of the benefits we're seeing from homeschooling. DD no longer asks for the clothes she sees the other girls wearing, and she's happy with those we provide. I buy target's jeans and they are just a regular fit...not the skinny, skinny.

 

Re: Ear-piercing and make-up. My mom set the rule that we could decide when we were 14 if we wanted to do pierce ears and wear light, age-appropriate make-up. We have the same rule.

 

Good luck to all of us.

 

Well, on this thread we are like-minded. How about that and AMEN to that! ;) I whole heartedly agree with what you wrote. Thanks.

 

 

She follows her school clothing policy for her regular dress too. She wears spaghetti straps around the house in the summer, but never out of the house. Her skirts are fingertips length or longer. For some reason she doesn't like shorts and wear capris. The only thing she wishes we would allow are two piece bathing suits. She has the tankini kind but would love to own a regular two piece. Right now that doesn't work for us.

 

She got contact lens for her 12 birthday. She has wanted them for years but we waited until we thought she could take care of them.

 

My dh and I haven't determined a dating age, but she won't be dating in middle school. That is for sure.

 

So glad you are thinking of these things now because this issues are important to many preteens.

 

My dd has been bugging me for a 2-pc. I just can't go there....again, I feel like a nerd. Dating, waaaaaaaay far off.

 

WRT = with regard to

 

I think you sound very reasonable. :)

 

Thank you for blessing me today....I appreciate it and need it. :001_smile:

 

I think 16 is a good age to start make up , light and well applicated. These girls on tv are overdone. Sends wrong msg.

 

No shaving til needed, my girls dont wear outfits to show legs or underarms, so they are cool.

 

Also, my dd's refuse to wear makeup. Personal preference.

 

Dating is a no, til after a college degree, we'll see how long that lasts.

 

We will allow her to go on "group date/events" chaperoned when she's older and perhaps at 16 or 17 allow her to go on her first date. I'd rather supervise this while she's still living at home than to address issues after she's more independent. Like you, I also agree that the girls and women on tv are not good role models.

 

I have a 16yo dd, a 13 yo dd and a 9 yo dd. So we are in the thick of this with you :001_smile:

 

At 12 I allow ear piercing, colored lip gloss, and mascara. We are all very blond so without mascara none of us have eyelashes. I also allow a little powder make-up if there is concern about wanting to cover zits. The ear peircing thing is not because I think it looks tacky any younger but because I don't want to take care of them and by 12 they can do it themselves.

 

By 14 they are allowed to go to dances so they want eyeshadow and brighter lipcolor, etc. My oldest went through a heavy eyeliner period but it passed quickly.

 

At 16 they can date, but it still remains mostly group dating.

 

The clothing thing is easy (relatively) for us as all the young women in the church we go to have the same recommended standards. If they don't meet those standards they are not allowed into dances or other social activities. Dresses and shorts must come to the knee, nothing sheer and there must be some kind of sleeve, even small cap sleeves are OK. No bare midriff or butt crack showing. Some things are left up to interpretation, like whether or not tights or capri leggings under a mini-skirt make it modest. At our house this is a no. We also do not do excessively tight clothing. If I can see your bellybutton or bra hardware through your shirt it is too tight. If a person standing over your shoulder (like most boys can for my short daughters) can see straight down your shirt you need to wear a cami. These have been their dress standards their entire lives. I didn't want to go the route of dressing them in cute tank tops and sundresses and then when their bodies start developing tell them they need to cover up.

 

We talk to our girls about how their clothing choice can make them feel powerful. Dressing in a certain way can make the boys look at them, and that can feel great, but they need to make sure that their clothes and make-up are not saying things about them that are not true. It is a fact that we live in a society that will make assumptions about you by how you dress/ look.

 

My oldest went through a pink hair phase. She has white blonde hair and at 14 she wanted a streak of pink in the front, so I let her. It was non-permanent color and she had a hot-pink streak in the front or pink tips on the bottom for about 6 months. Sometimes she tried blue, green or purple, but she really loved that hot pink. It was pretty cute, if I do say so myself. But the comments we got at church were not so cute. One person asked her if she'd be comfortable meeting Jesus with that hair. She said she would. One family offered to pray for us and our "wayward" daughter. I offered to pray for their judgemental attitude. This is a child who goes to a 6am scripture study class every day and reads her scriptures on her own every night. I am not worried about her hair.

 

Unfortunately, this issue can make you, the parent, feel like you are making stuff up as you go. Styles come out that would have never occured to you, thong undies showing under extreme low-rise jeans come to mind. It is the same with new technology, but that is a whole 'nother can 'o worms, eh?

 

It is important to find out what your daughter is thinking. Does she want to wear something different? How does she feel about make-up? Does she see other people noticing her friend's clothing? All good conversations.

 

Good luck,

Amber in SJ

 

:iagree:

 

This age is hard because they start making their own choices about how they want to look and sometimes those choices aren't the ones I'd make. I don't really want to die on a fashion hill, so I let her have a lot of leeway when it comes to clothing, hair, etc. The control freak in me wants to throw out her high tops and make her wear matching socks and perhaps wear a pretty skirt once in a while, but I'm holding the control freak back.

 

That's where I am on this....providing structure and wisdom so she'll want to make good and self-honorable choices. I'm hoping the little bit I do allow now (she'll be 12 in May) is a good start for her age.

 

Forgot to add: Dating. We've talked to our oldest about it and will never say no outright to dating after age 16, BUT I think we've done a good job of impressing upon her "What is the point??" of dating at an age when it's only going to lead to temptations and waiting and waiting until you ARE old enough for the best cause of dating with integrity--finding a lifelong partner. She sees teen casual dating as pointless and not a good use of her energy or emotions.

 

Now, this is not to say that she hasn't had some crushes and all of that. Teens have a right to those feelings. It's what we do with them that counts. Caring and even preferring someone of the opposite sex through actions like getting to know them better, serving them and treating them well while still remembering your regular friends is one thing; pairing off with the label boyfriend-girlfriend and all the activities that society emphasizes as normal for that label is not something my girls are going to get into. Their hearts get plenty of practice without the physical temptations (and regrets) to go along with it. I pray that they keep this attitude until they're ready to handle dating as a means of working and loving their way towards marriage.

 

:iagree: Ditto, ditto. Can you become an aunt for my dd? Others here too!!

 

My dd is only 11...I do try to keep her dressed modestly. She is starting to develop curves but she is not all that interested in fashion yet. She would rather be comfortable, so I just try to find cute comfy clothes for her.

 

I'd be OK with her wanting to pierce her ears but she has not shown interest in that yet, nor in wearing makeup. I'd let her wear a little lip gloss and nail color if she wanted but she hasn't asked. Dating is still far off on the horizon.

 

I wish I could remember everything up front. My dd does wear nail polish every now and then....a pretty pink.

 

 

GREAT replies. Thanks everyone!

[justamouse]

I have a real problem with toddlers looking like hookers, and current fashion trends for girls. THAT said, my Dds mature very early and I realized that if I picked every battle as a hill to die on, I would lose them. We get ears pierced early around here, but none of my girls have worn anything really big, and when they ask for me to buy anything, I just ask them to pick something else if I don't think it's appropriate. We normally find a great compromise.

 

I let my oldest Dd16 wear makeup when she wanted to, and though she was never heavy handed with it, I let it go and then these past few years she just stopped wearing it all together except for special occasions.

 

The clothes-you can find balance. Short skirts are of with cute leggings or tights. She normally layers tank tops so that's not a big deal, either. We ohh and ahh over stuff together-Anthroplogie is a fave- and then we piece meal outfits together.

 

What I have learned is that it's a big deal if you make it a big deal.

 

The biggest problem to get over is realizing that they are physically maturing while you may still think of them as children. Their bodies don't listen to their *ages*. It flipped me out when my baby 9 yo needed to go bra shopping and then got her cycles a few years later. But that was MY baggage to deal with, not hers, you know? So I tried not to project too far ahead, and took situations as they arose and above all, respected her as a person with feelings and emotions. And all of my girls are very curvy (serious Brazilian genes, here) and larger on top. She looked like a woman at a very early age.

 

I'm not going to say we're best friends (because I don't think that close of a relationship with my daughter is healthy) but we truly enjoy each other's company and I am so very proud of her decisions and choices.

 

Good luck, and go prayerfully. :001_smile:

 

eta: shaving

 

We are dark haired and I let them shave when they felt embarrassed about it. I refuse to have my daughter feel mortified about something so small.

Edited February 27, 2011 by justamouse

[justamouse]

That's true here as well, and we know a couple of girls, both schooled and hs'd who do not (but could). I have often wondered why some kids are so content to not date for so long...especially in our society, in families who are not against thoughtful dating. My dd is so lovely, and comfortable talking to her peers; I am surprised she has never dated (she has talked about boys, oh yes lol ), but she has said that she isn't ready for drama or thinking about anyone in that way. So I just answered my own why question. lol

 

I honestly think it's because boys at that age are light years behind the girls in maturity and a self assured girl will realize she doesn't need a boyfriend-that one will hold them back.

 

All of the girls around us finally started dating somewhere in college and even then, those boys better have a high trajectory of their own or the girls won't give them the time of day. They don't have the time. They have law school to get through. ;)

[Anne]

My dds are grown - one is finishing her college degree and the other completed completed college and is now married.

 

I found that hard and fast rules were great in middle school, but as they got a little older, it was better to have principles, such as - we dress modestly in this house - and then help my dds evaluate their choices in the light of those principles. My goal was that they would learn to make wise decisions when they were OUT of my home. I don't think they would have learned that if I had regulated their every move throughout high school!

 

FWIW,

Anne

[dirty ethel rackham]

We are a Christian family with somewhat conservative values. I have a 10 year old daughter. Regarding your question ...

 

Makeup? DD can wear lip gloss, including mildly colored gloss, but that is it for now. As she gets older, I will do what my mom did - If I can't tell she is wearing any, then it is ok;). By the time she is out of high school, makeup will be her choice, but I hope to have taught her the value of "less is more." I am ok with a little enhancement as far as makeup goes, but nothing that makes her look like anything but the sweet girl-next-door that she it.

 

Trendy dress: DD has more fashion sense than me. She cares about what she is wearing. We talk about fabric choice, skin exposure, etc. A denim skirt going to mid-thigh with leggings underneath would be fine as far as I am concerned. DD hates being cold, she she really doesn't like bare fashions. Another thing we have discussed is that body shape may dictate what you can get away with without looking all "hoochie mama." She is long and slender so she can get away with things that someone with more curves may not.

 

Ears pierced: When she can take care of them is my rule - so no particular age. I think DD is ready, but she hasn't asked. I think she is wary because I can only wear expensive earrings (like $100 gold earrings) without reacting. Now that I think about it, I am kinda surprised that she hasn't asked since several of her friends have pierced ears.

 

Dating: Uuummm .... Never? But seriously, I want to discourage one-on-one dating while in high school. I'd be okay with group dates to very public places and knowing all of her companions well. I'd like for her to have the mindset that dating should be kept casual until college. I am not a big fan of lots of getting serious and then breaking up. I did that and it did not prepare me any more for marriage than my one-girlfriend husband - he seemed to be better prepared for commitment than I was (we met at 26 and I was his first serious girlfriend - or so his friends and family say.) If you don't have friendship, than what will be there 20 years down the road?

 

Interesting topic. You've made me think about what I need to be discussing in the next decade.

[LibraryLover]

I honestly think it's because boys at that age are light years behind the girls in maturity and a self assured girl will realize she doesn't need a boyfriend-that one will hold them back.

 

All of the girls around us finally started dating somewhere in college and even then, those boys better have a high trajectory of their own or the girls won't give them the time of day. They don't have the time. They have law school to get through. ;)

 

 

DD also has very mature & thoughtful brothers, plus an amazing father who is a wonderful husband (if I do say so myself lol).

 

I think she has very, very high standards. ;) :)

 

This makes me curious now...I hadn't really thought about it. Do girls who have excellent and healthy relationships with their fathers date at later ages? Is there any correlation at all?

[Barry Goldwater]

:)Happily, my 14 yr old cowgirl is just as likely to apply manure as make-up. :)

 

My situation might not be helpful...DW wears no makeup, no earrings/piercings, no hair coloring, never did since our wedding day (she doesn't need it IMHO:001_wub:) but I get that women like it, want it, etc. etc. No judging here intended. BUT the point is that my kids, like most kids, tend to model behavior.

 

As a result, my DDs have NEVER expressed any interest in getting into that at all. They enjoy styling and braiding their hair, and they dress modestly but classy when going out (carharts & muckboots at home usually)...but that's it. They have good taste and understand what modest looks like and strive for that on their own.

 

Dating can start one year after I'm dead :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, dating can begin when they're ready to consider marriage, whether that is at 17 1/2 or 35...but not before...again, we've been talking about these topics since they were 3 yrs old, and we see no sense in dating/breaking up/dating/breaking up and getting all would up in passions before any serious commitments can be practically entertained...just our perspective, not looking for a fight.

[Barry Goldwater]

This makes me curious now...I hadn't really thought about it. Do girls who have excellent and healthy relationships with their fathers date at later ages? Is there any correlation at all?

 

:iagree:

I have long thought so, and anectodally this has been my experience wrt other families we know...maybe not always dating 'later,' but dating in a more 'constructive' and mature manner.

[sheryl]

I have a real problem with toddlers looking like hookers, and current fashion trends for girls. THAT said, my Dds mature very early and I realized that if I picked every battle as a hill to die on, I would lose them. We get ears pierced early around here, but none of my girls have worn anything really big, and when they ask for me to buy anything, I just ask them to pick something else if I don't think it's appropriate. We normally find a great compromise.

 

The clothes-you can find balance. Short skirts are of with cute leggings or tights. She normally layers tank tops so that's not a big deal, either. We ohh and ahh over stuff together-Anthroplogie is a fave- and then we piece meal outfits together.

 

The biggest problem to get over is realizing that they are physically maturing while you may still think of them as children. Their bodies don't listen to their *ages*.

 

I'm not going to say we're best friends (because I don't think that close of a relationship with my daughter is healthy) but we truly enjoy each other's company and I am so very proud of her decisions and choices.

 

I honestly think it's because boys at that age are light years behind the girls in maturity and a self assured girl will realize she doesn't need a boyfriend-that one will hold them back.

 

 

Combined your 2 posts. I hear what you are saying. However, I'd rather be involved in this "little" hill than a "larger hill" later. On the other hand, you're saying to pick your battles. I agree and am that's the reason for my thread. I do believe I'm to guide her and allow her to make age-appropriate choices that are honorable to her, peers and her future husband.

 

We are a Christian family with somewhat conservative values. I have a 10 year old daughter. Regarding your question ...

 

Makeup? DD can wear lip gloss, including mildly colored gloss, but that is it for now. As she gets older, I will do what my mom did - If I can't tell she is wearing any, then it is ok. By the time she is out of high school, makeup will be her choice, but I hope to have taught her the value of "less is more." I am ok with a little enhancement as far as makeup goes, but nothing that makes her look like anything but the sweet girl-next-door that she it.

 

Trendy dress: DD has more fashion sense than me. She cares about what she is wearing. We talk about fabric choice, skin exposure, etc. A denim skirt going to mid-thigh with leggings underneath would be fine as far as I am concerned. DD hates being cold, she she really doesn't like bare fashions. Another thing we have discussed is that body shape may dictate what you can get away with without looking all "hoochie mama." She is long and slender so she can get away with things that someone with more curves may not.

 

Ears pierced: When she can take care of them is my rule - so no particular age. I think DD is ready, but she hasn't asked. I think she is wary because I can only wear expensive earrings (like $100 gold earrings) without reacting. Now that I think about it, I am kinda surprised that she hasn't asked since several of her friends have pierced ears.

 

Dating: Uuummm .... Never? But seriously, I want to discourage one-on-one dating while in high school. I'd be okay with group dates to very public places and knowing all of her companions well. I'd like for her to have the mindset that dating should be kept casual until college. I am not a big fan of lots of getting serious and then breaking up. I did that and it did not prepare me any more for marriage than my one-girlfriend husband - he seemed to be better prepared for commitment than I was (we met at 26 and I was his first serious girlfriend - or so his friends and family say.) If you don't have friendship, than what will be there 20 years down the road?

 

Interesting topic. You've made me think about what I need to be discussing in the next decade.

 

Great!

 

DD also has very mature & thoughtful brothers, plus an amazing father who is a wonderful husband (if I do say so myself lol).

 

I think she has very, very high standards. ;) :)

 

This makes me curious now...I hadn't really thought about it. Do girls who have excellent and healthy relationships with their fathers date at later ages? Is there any correlation at all?

 

Ah, LL, you've asked a profound question...:lol: I do wonder this myself. Truly I believe a good dh/dw relationship is modeled to the kids (generally speaking)....I know that's off topic. But, I do fully agree with your statement above. With a solid dad/daughter relationship why should they go looking elsewhere for attention.

 

:)Happily, my 14 yr old cowgirl is just as likely to apply manure as make-up.

 

My situation might not be helpful...DW wears no makeup, no earrings/piercings, no hair coloring, never did since our wedding day (she doesn't need it IMHO:001_wub:) SWEET but I get that women like it, want it, etc. etc. No judging here intended. BUT the point is that my kids, like most kids, tend to model behavior. I've grown away from makeup myself. I don't believe women need it or at least they don't need much. On the other hand, I like what one of the poster's said Ethel maybe that if you can't see the make-up then it's good to go. I do have ears pierced (1 set ;)), but have never colored my hair...eventhough those gray hairs keep coming. I do so agree kids model behavior!!!

 

As a result, my DDs have NEVER expressed any interest in getting into that at all. They enjoy styling and braiding their hair, and they dress modestly but classy when going out (carharts & muckboots at home usually)...but that's it. They have good taste and understand what modest looks like and strive for that on their own.

 

Dating can start one year after I'm dead :tongue_smilie: :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, dating can begin when they're ready to consider marriage, whether that is at 17 1/2 or 35...but not before...again, we've been talking about these topics since they were 3 yrs old, and we see no sense in dating/breaking up/dating/breaking up and getting all would up in passions before any serious commitments can be practically entertained...just our perspective, not looking for a fight.

 

Yes, that is Josh McDowell? Or someone else? I do agree with it!

[Margo out of lurking]

We are a conservative, Christian family. What is acceptable in my household is not necessarily going to match what is identical in another family, no matter how similar our faith system is.

 

My dd went through a phase two years ago where she had a more "emo" style to her dress. She wore heavy, dark eye makeup. There were a couple of families at church whose quiet disapproval was obvious, and one boy even had the nerve to ask my ds why dd wore makeup like that. (No surprise there, as he was from one of those "poser" families that every church has.:glare:) Dd also has six(?) ear piercings, including two higher up in her cartilage. They are "outer" things. She liked/s them, dh and I were fine (enough) with it, and if someone else didn't like them, well, they should be looking closer at their own family before concerning themselves about mine.

 

Just as your family is different from every other, you will be different in what you find "acceptable." I'm looking at the "whole package." My dd went through her heavy makeup stage and is out of it. She's lovely and amazing person, has a true heart for Jesus, is a loving and affectionate sister and daughter, and has been challenging herself in many ways. I cannot believe my family was blessed with this wonderful person! She is trustworthy, a pleasure to be around, and has no tolerance for the normal teen angst/drama that many of her friends seem to thrive on. The only ones she has to please are God, and her parents (by His authority).

 

Dating. Nope, not big on that here. I can't imagine we'll go the whole courtship route, but neither will dd be "dating" anytime soon. I think there is a part of her that finds that appealing, but I also think she can see it is not what God wants for her at this point.

 

But my dd is several years older than yours. We had a very rough time in our relationship 3-4 years ago, and I thought at the time it was the beginning of something awful, believing we were headed down a very tough road. But somehow along the way, our relationship healed (praise God). Now that dd is 16, there's a limit to how much "control" we can exercise over her, and our goal is to help her become more and more independent while we still are in a position to have input.

 

There's a definite age spread where girls make this transition. I want to encourage you to focus on God's will for your family and not compare your dd with other girls and not judge your dd's friends based solely on appearance. Some of her friends will want to grow up more quickly, and she will grow up more quickly than other friends. I can think of example after example of girls we know from hsing circles who appear as if they are doing everything "right," yet their inner lives are a mess. Just as there are girls whom others are quick to judge if one does not look deep enough.

 

You can do everything "right" and still have kids who backslide. A grown child's "goodness" is not solely dependent on the way they were raised and is not a reflection on their parents.

[Margo out of lurking]

I'm ok with mixed sex group stuff (supervised) before then.

 

My first reaction: :w00t:

 

 

LOL.

[LibraryLover]

You know, I agree with you. I have known young people who have experimented heavily with clothing that might seem provocative in one way or another (and I don't just mean sexually). I think a lot of folks use uniforms/clothing etc to experiment. Which is pretty harmless as far as experimenting goes.

 

My oldest had a friend who went through a period of goth clothing, and balck eyeliner... complete with chains hanging from his pants on his skinny frame. He outgrew it pretty quickly, and now he's off to med school. He's just a really thoughtful and caring human being. Even way back, he was a wonderful kid who was a good communicator...but with a provocative look. His parents were very patient and gentle with him, and their relationship was never damaged.

 

We are a conservative, Christian family. What is acceptable in my household is not necessarily going to match what is identical in another family, no matter how similar our faith system is.

 

My dd went through a phase two years ago where she had a more "emo" style to her dress. She wore heavy, dark eye makeup. There were a couple of families at church whose quiet disapproval was obvious, and one boy even had the nerve to ask my ds why dd wore makeup like that. (No surprise there, as he was from one of those "poser" families that every church has.:glare:) Dd also has six(?) ear piercings, including two higher up in her cartilage. They are "outer" things. She liked/s them, dh and I were fine (enough) with it, and if someone else didn't like them, well, they should be looking closer at their own family before concerning themselves about mine.

 

Just as your family is different from every other, you will be different in what you find "acceptable." I'm looking at the "whole package." My dd went through her heavy makeup stage and is out of it. She's lovely and amazing person, has a true heart for Jesus, is a loving and affectionate sister and daughter, and has been challenging herself in many ways. I cannot believe my family was blessed with this wonderful person! She is trustworthy, a pleasure to be around, and has no tolerance for the normal teen angst/drama that many of her friends seem to thrive on. The only ones she has to please are God, and her parents (by His authority).

 

Dating. Nope, not big on that here. I can't imagine we'll go the whole courtship route, but neither will dd be "dating" anytime soon. I think there is a part of her that finds that appealing, but I also think she can see it is not what God wants for her at this point.

 

But my dd is several years older than yours. We had a very rough time in our relationship 3-4 years ago, and I thought at the time it was the beginning of something awful, believing we were headed down a very tough road. But somehow along the way, our relationship healed (praise God). Now that dd is 16, there's a limit to how much "control" we can exercise over her, and our goal is to help her become more and more independent while we still are in a position to have input.

 

There's a definite age spread where girls make this transition. I want to encourage you to focus on God's will for your family and not compare your dd with other girls and not judge your dd's friends based solely on appearance. Some of her friends will want to grow up more quickly, and she will grow up more quickly than other friends. I can think of example after example of girls we know from hsing circles who appear as if they are doing everything "right," yet their inner lives are a mess. Just as there are girls whom others are quick to judge if one does not look deep enough.

 

You can do everything "right" and still have kids who backslide. A grown child's "goodness" is not solely dependent on the way they were raised and is not a reflection on their parents.

Edited February 28, 2011 by LibraryLover

[ChemMommy]

We let the girls pierce their ears at 11-12 years old, but I have been known to comment on how tacky a belly piercing is, or how painful cartilage pierces are (I'm SO evil!!).

 

Make-up is okay around the same age. I've let them try it all around the house and I compliment them when they get the right amount on for their ages. Of course, at first, they look like street walkers! Make-up fascination seems to run its course rather quickly.

 

Clothes are harder, much harder. We've never allowed immodest stuff, so we aren't trying to shut the door on that. We don't allow spaghetti straps or strapless stuff. Even summer dresses with wider straps are usually worn with a t-shirt under it. Bellies don't show, jeans can fit, but not look painted on. Swimsuits are one-pieces or modest tankini style.

 

We've had more luck with skirts and shirts than we have with dresses. I'm still looking for a trendy, but modest teen dress for confirmation.

 

I want my girls to be fashionable, but not immodest and I encourage them to study styles to see how they can accomplish this. The fashion stuff is FAR more difficult to manage since the choices are limited. Make-up and ear piercing is easy. Wait until your dd asks for more trendy clothes, or visit a junior department in addition to the kids' department and see if her eyes light up. Until then, enjoy the last of childhood.

 

Welcome to teenagers!!! I've loved it--it's not bad!

[LibraryLover]

You know. My own anecdotes don't even match up to my thoughts about dating. One of the girls we know who isn't dating lives with her mom, sadly there is no dad anymore, and my teen son's gf is very close to her Dad, but she started dating my son when she was 16. I do think girls who are cared about and have good relationships with the adults in their lives will be more discerning, but I don't think dating is a terrible thing, as long as it's done in a thoughtful, respectful way.

[Daisy]

We don't have any hard and fast rules. I have one daughter. She's our oldest child. She'll be 12 in September.

 

She has absolutely no interest in make-up, ear piercing, or shaving. She has started her period and is developing so shaving wouldn't be an altogether bad thing, but I'm not pushing it. IF she was interested in any of the above three things we'd discuss the reason WHY and then help her with them. I have no problem with lip gloss, finger nail polish, or even some cover-up of blemishes. I'd let her get her ears pierced (tastefully) and I'd help her figure out the whole shaving thing. Again, she isn't interested yet. I'm assuming she isn't interested because I don't wear make-up or earrings either.

 

Clothing isn't an issue either. She is super modest as we've trained her to be. All skirts, shorts, and dresses are knee length. We don't buy name-brand trendy clothes for anyone in the family. We prefer serviceable durable clothing.

 

Dating? We'll talk about it at 16 and above. In other words, it is out of the question until at least 16yo. I didn't date until I was 18yo and at Christian university. We are in no hurry.

 

Other things not mentioned.

 

We are careful to limit movies and books (Christian and secular) that spend a lot of time discussing dating, crushes, etc. I'm just starting to let her watch things like Pride and Prejudice with me around to discuss it. We want her to see healthy relationships and prefer she see real-life ones versus fictionalized and romanticized accounts. I also think it delays that boy-crazy stuff.

 

And because hubby and I feel some of that stuff is just the desire to be more grown up, we are dedicated to finding ways our daughter can demonstrate her growing independence without compromising our family standards.

[lionfamily1999]

My dd is fourteen. She plays with makeup, will sometimes wear it at home for fun, but it's not for public appearances ;) Her bff (who attends ps) does not wear makeup either (except for fun at home).

 

Neither of them wear skirts, so I can't give much advice there, but I will say that they do wear tops that show their burgeoning womanhood. At their point in development, there's not much to be done about it, short of a sack cloth. They wear the appropriate undergarments and that's all I'm going to say about that ;)

 

Both girls had their ears pierced when they were little. They both wear small earrings (no hoops). Their choices in jewelry run to cartoon characters. So, while they both heap enough necklaces on to give them hunchbacks, the necklaces themselves are crosses, fish, and random cartoon characters. They both wear rings, but nothing really expensive. Mostly, they wear friendship bracelets halfway up their arms and gaudy rings with bugs or more cartoon characters. I will say, at this age gobs of jewelry seem to be required to sustain life.

 

They have both started asking for (and getting) their hair dyed. Dd's hair, at the moment, is black underneath and bleach blond on top with turquoise and purple streaks. Her bff is waiting for me to get the time to do the same thing to her head :lol:

 

Imo, jewelry that doesn't require new holes (beyond those two in the ears) and crazy hair are easy concessions to their new found need to become individuals. We all joke about how 'unique' they'll be once their hair is dyed the exact same. They joke about how one-of-a-kind their matching homemade t-shirts are. All the same, I know they need something that they can point to and call their 'thing' that makes them different and those two (jewelry and hair) are ones that I don't believe will have life long implications.

 

As for dating. It's not happening any time soon for my dd. Her friend has a boy friend. He's a nice boy. I just wish they didn't have to be 'attached.' That (dating) is up to the parent. Her mom is okay with it, so be it. I'm not, and dd understands that :D

[LibraryLover]

I think that is adorable! I also wish my girls would let me get their ears pierced! They refuse and it drives me nuts! (Although I don't tell them so for fear they will never do it! ;))

 

My dd is fourteen. She plays with makeup, will sometimes wear it at home for fun, but it's not for public appearances ;) Her bff (who attends ps) does not wear makeup either (except for fun at home).

 

Neither of them wear skirts, so I can't give much advice there, but I will say that they do wear tops that show their burgeoning womanhood. At their point in development, there's not much to be done about it, short of a sack cloth. They wear the appropriate undergarments and that's all I'm going to say about that ;)

 

Both girls had their ears pierced when they were little. They both wear small earrings (no hoops). Their choices in jewelry run to cartoon characters. So, while they both heap enough necklaces on to give them hunchbacks, the necklaces themselves are crosses, fish, and random cartoon characters. They both wear rings, but nothing really expensive. Mostly, they wear friendship bracelets halfway up their arms and gaudy rings with bugs or more cartoon characters. I will say, at this age gobs of jewelry seem to be required to sustain life.

 

They have both started asking for (and getting) their hair dyed. Dd's hair, at the moment, is black underneath and bleach blond on top with turquoise and purple streaks. Her bff is waiting for me to get the time to do the same thing to her head :lol:

 

Imo, jewelry that doesn't require new holes (beyond those two in the ears) and crazy hair are easy concessions to their new found need to become individuals. We all joke about how 'unique' they'll be once their hair is dyed the exact same. They joke about how one-of-a-kind their matching homemade t-shirts are. All the same, I know they need something that they can point to and call their 'thing' that makes them different and those two (jewelry and hair) are ones that I don't believe will have life long implications.

 

As for dating. It's not happening any time soon for my dd. Her friend has a boy friend. He's a nice boy. I just wish they didn't have to be 'attached.' That (dating) is up to the parent. Her mom is okay with it, so be it. I'm not, and dd understands that :D

[lionfamily1999]

I think that is adorable! I also wish my girls would let me get their ears pierced! They refuse and it drives me nuts! (Although I don't tell them so for fear they will never do it! ;))

Dd was a tom boy from day one. I have to admit to getting a few warm fuzzies when I see her finally putting in earrings (of her own free will) and trying to look pretty :D

[6packofun]

I honestly think it's because boys at that age are light years behind the girls in maturity and a self assured girl will realize she doesn't need a boyfriend-that one will hold them back.

 

It's funny, but I've always thought that maybe the boys are the ones who are mature and the girls simply have a false or forced maturity. At least the boys just want to be kids until they realize they're *ready* to date and think about those things with a somewhat level head. Unlike so much of the obsession I see in young girls/teens.

[prairiegirl]

This has been an interesting thread to read! My oldest girl will be 12 in May. So far she hasn't expressed any interest in makeup or piercings. I figure we will just deal with it when/if it comes up.

 

My dd is quite developed for her age and has outgrown children's sizes. Her move into women's clothing has brought up many conversations about what is acceptable to wear. I think you can wear trendy-looking clothing and still look nice. Again, we just deal with it when it comes up.

 

I don't want all of these things to be yet more rules (make up at this age, dating at that age, shaving at this age, etc.) There are enough rules to abide by without adding more on. When these issues come up I want to be able to discuss them with dd and come up with a plan that is agreeable to both of us. Seeing that she is my oldest and that I haven't gone through this yet, this might be all Pollyanna talk, though. Time will tell. :D

[Daisy]

 

I don't want all of these things to be yet more rules (make up at this age, dating at that age, shaving at this age, etc.) There are enough rules to abide by without adding more on. When these issues come up I want to be able to discuss them with dd and come up with a plan that is agreeable to both of us. Seeing that she is my oldest and that I haven't gone through this yet, this might be all Pollyanna talk, though. Time will tell. :D

 

LOL. This is a bit what I feel like. I probably have no clue what the future will hold.

[Mynyel]

Mine just turned 13 in January. I have always let her pick out her own clothes and let her lead on what she wants to do. I have never brought it up. Why do I need to?

 

She hasn't asked to wear cosmetics, shave or wear trendy fashions. When and if she does ask then I will address the issue.

 

I wouldn't borrow trouble, wait until she asks and then address the issue. She might not even worry about it or think about it until you put it in her head. :)

[lionfamily1999]

Dd's just 14, but I have to say it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be.

 

At 12 she was a mess. Everything made her cry, she hated being a girl (thank you Aunt Flo), she hated developing womanly attributes (iykwIm), she hated her new under garments, and I'm pretty sure she hated me some too.

 

14 has been refreshing. We can talk. I'm honest with her. We can share books :D (not b00ks, but I'm guessing that's obvious), we share ideas, we share thoughts. It's a WORLD of difference.

 

Together, we're staring down at the years that lead to parting. We're planning college (which I think SWB did me a service in recommending for planning hs). We're looking to a future where she is not with me. It's painful, because we're just now getting along again since the great puberty rebellion of '09. All the same, seeing that she's going to be on her own in just a few years, the reality of her looming adulthood, seems to have lead her back to talking to me and trusting me.

 

I highly recommend hair styling for bonding. I really can't say that enough. Hair grows, that is our new mantra, and when dd's feeling down or lost or confused we can always add a new color to the spectrum. It lets me play with her hair like I always wanted to when she was little and she says it makes her feel pretty and special, because I'm not doing these things with the boys.

 

Enough gushing and sighing though! I think I lost my own point in there somewhere :lol:

[LibraryLover]

LOL. This is a bit what I feel like. I probably have no clue what the future will hold.

 

 

I just think first borns are easier and more eager to please (generally speaking). If I had stopped with him, I would be the perfect parent, and he the perfect child. :001_smile:

[bettyandbob]

dd got her ears pierced at 12 (this age was picked so that she could be responsible for care after piercing and taking care of her own jewelry). Dd recently began being interested in more trendy styles. However, she's never had an interest in truly body revealing clothing. She never has picked a top that was too low in front. She doesn't want to wear bikinis or halter or crop tops. And she doesn't choose short shorts. So, I'm lucky I've never had to intervene.

 

Clothing: you can find trendy clothing that is not revealing. There many muslim girls at my ds's public high school that wear trendy clothing, which also covers. So, if my dd wear in need of being given standards I do know clothing is readily available to girls whose family and religious standards on female dress are way more conservative than mine.

 

Your decision making is very personal. What do you expect? Do you know if your dd even thinks about fashion. My dd can't fit into children's sizing anymore, so more trendy clothing is available where we look for clothing. Her clothing looks like small women's clothing because it is and I can't change the fact that she's grown and developed to the point that we have to look at this clothing for her. But when she needs something I try to make it a fun trip even if it's just to Target and we look at other stuff (besides what we came for) and discuss it. Those little discussions give me some influence without being part of confrontation "no you won't wear that" conversation because we often are looking at things we weren't going to buy on that shopping trip any way. It's just to plant the idea of "appropriate".

[littlebug42]

We told our girls they could have ears pierced at 8 but we reserve the right to approve earrings. My oldest hasn't wanted it and the youngest hasn't hit there yet. Dating is 16, without question. They can wear a little lip gloss now but other makeup will also not be until 16. These were the rules imposed on me and I am fine with them for my girls.

 

Clothing will remain modest as long as daughters remain in my house. There is no hard and fast rule, i.e, no tank tops etc but each item is taken on a case by case basis. Mainly it just can't be anything too revealing by mine or dh's definition of revealing. Dh also insists that there be no clothing with writing on the bottom.

[goldberry]

I have DD just turned 12. We always said 13 for makeup (makeup subject to my approval). I did let her wear lip gloss this year, and when she breaks out, I help her cover her pimples a bit with powder. Also this year, she can wear light colored nail polish, and more dangly earrings (previously only stud types).

 

DD is super-fashionista. I try to focus on modesty rather than style. I don't want to impose my own style on her, only my values. So even if I don't LIKE it, but it is modest, I won't fuss about it. (Although sometimes I'm biting my lip.) I grew up being told that "fashionable" or "stylish" equals worldly/unChristian - which I don't believe and won't pass on to my DD. She can be stylish, fashionable, or dressed in overalls, as long as she is modest.

 

Dating, we believe in dating for the purpose of finding a marraige mate. So, at a minimum not until 18, but then it depends if she is interested in marraige. However, I do believe in mixed group activities before then in a supervised environment.

[Puma Mom]

Dd is 13½. We have done and continue to do a lot of talking about our reasons for even caring what she wears and how she looks. We talk about how visual guys are and that she is sending a message about herself in the way she presents herself. We haven't had to be very strict with her about it because she mostly agrees with our thoughts at this point. We continually evaluate our guidelines--we don't want to be legalistic and we do want her to own the choices, but at this point our word goes.

 

Piercings: She had her ears pierced when she showed me that she was ready to take care of them, so at 8 yo. That's probably it for piercings, but another set on her ears is not a hill I'd die on.

 

Makeup: She started wearing a tiny bit of eyeshadow around when she turned 13. For a while I checked it before she left the house, and it's almost always been very light and tasteful. She has dark, long eyelashes so mascara hasn't been discussed. I don't like the heavy eyeliner at all and she thinks it looks trashy, so that's not an issue.

 

Clothing: I don't want to see her cleavage or wonder whether she going to be showing something if she bends over slightly. Dd is pretty modest naturally. She's aksing about wearing a bikini top with swim shorts this summer, so we'll be talking. We'll probably ask her highly visual 17yo brother what he thinks. He'll be honest without being overly big-brotherly.

 

Dating: She has grown up hearing that we discourage (haven't had to do more than that) dating until they are older--like in college maybe. And even then, we encourage a more intentional courting-type relationship vs. recreational dating. Ds20 just started courting a young woman he's been friends with for about 5 years. We do encourage spending lots of time with friends of both genders, just not one-on-one time.

 

I have found that, even if you disagree on the decision, it's is well worth your time to really talk to them about where you're coming from and why and get their perspective on why they might want to do differently. Often, dh and I have decided that the positives of a particular 'rule' were outweighed by the negatives, and I believe changing our stance on occasion has bought us some credibility for the big ones in the future.

[AnitaMcC]

We have had to make adjustments in what age our preteens/teens are allowed to do based on age, etc.

 

Our first preteen experience was when niece moved in with us and she was turning 12 a few months later (our twins were 3 1/2 yrs old). Niece already had her ears pierced as a baby so we didn't deal with that, but we did ban dangling ear rings. She was very tomboyish so wasn't into clothes, make-up. But she had boys following her around!!!!! Ugh. At first we allowed her to have a "boy friend" but they weren't going on dates. She would go out with a group of friends to school events, mall, movies, roller skating, etc. Due to ages, parents drove and there were always adult supervision. But then some issues came along about the boyfriend stuff (and some boys 4+ yrs older were following her around and trying to hand out with her and her friends) we put a stop with her being with boys unless adult supervision were present at all times and she wasn't allowed boyfriends/dating in any way.

 

Now our rules are:

 

No piercings before age 10 or so for girls (and only one hole per ear). No piercings for boys... period. No other body piercings, no gauging the ear lobe piercings.

 

Light/natural tones of makeup starting at age 13... (lip gloss, eye shadow, blush) until age 16.

Expanded options for makeup starting at age 16 but still, it has to be light application.

 

No boyfriend/girlfriend relationship what-so-ever before age 16.

Dating in group can begin at age 16... but parents must do the driving.

No getting into a car with a teen driver... without a parent present in car also... before age 18.

No dating outside of going to group activities, until age 18. We encourage no dating before they are ready to "court". We don't mind them going out and having fun with friends, but beyond a peck on cheek and hand holding behavior is not allowed. We talk very openly about how things can go too far way too easily, and encourage them to truly consider what hey are feeling and thinking.

 

Clothes... Dh and I have to approve, period. If Dh and I don't approve (either shows too much, find offensive, just feel it is inappropriate) then they don't get it nor wear it. We also do not buy brand name clothes (unless it is of good quality and we can get a good deal on it). No underwear is allowed to show, no cleavage showing on girls, no pants hanging below the waist (more for my boys than girls). Their style is their style. I may cringe with some of their choices but not because it is offensive or inappropriate-LOL.

 

Hair styles.... Dh and I differ on this, but in the end it is what I say goes-LOL. Around age 11-12 allow more freedom for the kids. It is based more on "can they take care of their hair" for the cut/style. But still Dh and I have our limits of what we can tolerate looking at-LOL.

--No non-natural color... unless it is tempory (washable) dyes for crazy hair day at school or for certain fun days like St. Patrick's Day, Halloween, etc. No permanent dyes before age 16 and still has to be "natural" color.

--At 15 1/2, Dd finally got her mohawk (she has been wanting it since age 13) in December. But when not in a mohawk, it just looks like a pixie cut. She isn't allowed to wear the mohawk for certain functions... church, picture with Santa that I get every year, etc.

--It also depends on other factors... Ds#1 is in Civil Air Patrol... he is limited to military regulations when he is in uniform. Not a problem for him since he prefers his hair buzz cut. If Dd was also in CAP, she would not be allowed to wear her mohawk.

 

Um, I think that is about it for what you asked about.

Edited February 27, 2011 by AnitaMcC

[snipsnsnailsx5]

While I don't have a daughter, yet, I can answer how I think our rules will be -based on my beliefs and church recommendations...

 

Make-up - I think lip gloss would be okay at 12, but probably no eyeshadow/mascara until around 16.

Earrings - whenever they are old enough to be responsible for them. I got my ears pierced when I was 8 I think. I was old enough to take care of my earrings and not play with my ears.

Clothes - no skirts above the knee, no strapless or halter tops, no sleeveless (unless they are covered with a sweater that doesn't come off).

No dating until 16, and then in groups.

[justamouse]

DD also has very mature & thoughtful brothers, plus an amazing father who is a wonderful husband (if I do say so myself lol).

 

I think she has very, very high standards. ;) :)

 

This makes me curious now...I hadn't really thought about it. Do girls who have excellent and healthy relationships with their fathers date at later ages? Is there any correlation at all?

 

This could very well be-the girls I know that are like this have excellent relationships with their dads. And yes, extremely high standards.

 

Dd 16's first boyfriend is *exactly* like her father.

 

:001_huh:

 

But it's a very casual thing-like if you can keep up with me, you can come along.

 

 

She and I bonded on Friday by getting cartilage piercings. To commemorate her grandfather, whom we both adored. We chose his birthstone.

Edited February 27, 2011 by justamouse

[angela in ohio]

My girls will be 13 and 15 next month. We are fairly conservative Christians. We're really past the "rules" point with our dds. They are young women who make better decisions than we do most days. :)

 

We didn't have a rule for ears pierced. About two years ago, I pressured them a bit into having it done. :001_smile: They wear the same earrings every day and couldn't care less. My bil and dm buy them very nice jewelry, and they wear some of it for special events.

 

I have asked oldest in the last year if she would like lip gloss or anything like that, and I offered to take her into Sephora and get her whatever she wanted. She has no desire. Once she hit 9th grade, I would have been fine with her weareing makeup (I wear it every day,) but she has no interest.

 

Neither has an interest in dating. They have great relationships with boys who are friends (ETA: and with dh, who tells them they are beautiful every day.) We have talked to them since they were young about the purpose of dating (ioho) and the right timing. They both say they want to wait until college or after to start thinking about romantic interests. They have a lot of other interests right now and plans for their education. Older has had some boys interested, but she declines. I dated just before my 16th birthday (the rule was 16, but I met a nice boy, so they relented) and I have talked to the very openly about the wasted energy and time in dating in high school.

 

We are conservative in our dress. Not in a covering up way, but in a classic conservative clothing way. My girls shop the career wear section of stores (they wear a 0 and 2 now) and wear a lot of blouses/sweaters and dress slacks/skirts from New York and Company, Gap, etc. They have no interest in trendy teen wear: flip flops, skinny jeans, etc. They have contacts, and they do straighten their hair most days, which is the 'thing' here right now, but we have been doing that since they were little, because they have crazy wavy hair.

 

What's funny is that by not trying to look like an "older teen," my older dd passes for 17 or 18 most often. :001_smile:

Edited February 27, 2011 by angela in ohio