mom2a&z Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 My mom is having major surgery in a month and I really want to be there for her. The only problem is that my parents live about 1000 miles away and the hospital is an additional 400 miles away from my parents house, so we would be staying with my aunt and uncle who live about an hour from the hospital. My mom could be in the hospital for up to 2 weeks. I would like to stay with my parents until we can get my mom out of the hospital and home. Pros of taking them: My parents really want to see the kids, we could do school "lite" in the hospital waiting room, my dh wouldn't have to worry about finding someone to watch them while he was at work. Cons of taking them: Most of my attention will be focused on my mom and her recovery, I don't want to hear "I'm bored" every hour, traveling that long with just me and the kids will be tiring. I'm just not sure what to do. My dh would rather I take them, but he will work with me if I want to go by myself. My preference would be to go by myself, but then I feel selfish. My dd(12) wants to go, and my ds(10) is not sure. If they stay, my dh can work from home 1 day a week, the kids can stay by themselves one day, and he can take them to the office for the other days. He has a table in his office they can sit at and do their work. Mil might be able to come and stay for a day or two also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I would take them if they are well behaved-helpful kids AND if they can stay by themselves a bit (or have a sitter at gmas-not gpa) in case of emergency. If they get along and don't pick at each other, I would take both. If they tend to do this, I would only take ds. If they are demanding of you, tend to whine, expect you to keep them entertained or are generally unpleasant when they travel....I would leave them home. It isn't just you who will have to deal with them being unpleasant, it will be the sick person too. She isn't tempered to the general underfoot nature of kids any more and it can get annoying much faster for someone who is ill. A lot of caring for someone after surgery is just 'please bring me water" or "turn off the light". The kids can help with that part. The one problem I see is if you need to take her back to the doc for follow ups. Will the kids go with you? That will be very crowded in a care room. What if she has a problem and you need to go the ER in the middle of the night...what will the kids do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I would take them. For me it's important for family to be together during the good and bad times. Children learn a lot by being around family during a crisis. It may be good for you to have them there as well. They can help you by causing you to take breaks from your mom. That, of course, is how I feel about it. Your feelings may be different. Hope your mom recovers soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 You need to think about how many hours a day you will be in the hospital room. Are you the only one that will be taking care of mom? Will you expect the kids to be at the hospital 12 - 14 hours a day or more? You really think you will concentrate on school work? I would take a serious look at what it's really going to look like for them. Personally I can't see you doing it all unless they can hang out at the relatives house and you can go easy on school work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 My dd(12) wants to go, and my ds(10) is not sure. Can you take the 12 yo and leave the 10 yo? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I'd take them in a heartbeat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 You need to think about how many hours a day you will be in the hospital room. Are you the only one that will be taking care of mom? Will you expect the kids to be at the hospital 12 - 14 hours a day or more? You really think you will concentrate on school work? I would take a serious look at what it's really going to look like for them. Personally I can't see you doing it all unless they can hang out at the relatives house and you can go easy on school work. :iagree: I think Starr makes some very good points. I think it would be a little unreasonable to keep the kids at the hospital for long periods of time and not expect some misbehavior (even in the best of generally well behaved kids). I might consider taking them IF there was someone available who could watch them at least part of the time. Maybe you could go up alone for the surgery/immediate recovery and go back after your mom gets back home. Would she and your dad need help then? Yes, it's two long trips and it may not be financially feasible; but, it's something to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narrow4life Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 based on your cons list, I would take them. I would not tolerate bored/tired remarks. A little upfront coaching, some interactive upfront planning/preparation (things to do, goals, fun things to look forward to...), and some prethought discipline would be in order if I were in that situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I would take them and get a CNA textbook to bring along. It would be great immersion training in a field. Even if it is only them learning to spot what is done correctly and incorrectly. I'm not sure what type of surgery your mom is having, but id she is sleeping a lot in recovery you will have time to explore with the kids. Once she is ambulatory, you guys can explore with her (per dr orders) Anyway, I think it would be great to take them!!! I also believe it is important for kids to have a hands on knowledge of taking care of family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gratia271 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I would take them. For me it's important for family to be together during the good and bad times. Children learn a lot by being around family during a crisis. Hope your mom recovers soon. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would take them and get a CNA textbook to bring along. It would be great immersion training in a field. Even if it is only them learning to spot what is done correctly and incorrectly. I'm not sure what type of surgery your mom is having, but id she is sleeping a lot in recovery you will have time to explore with the kids. Once she is ambulatory, you guys can explore with her (per dr orders) Anyway, I think it would be great to take them!!! I also believe it is important for kids to have a hands on knowledge of taking care of family. :iagree: This is a GREAT idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would check with the hospital for age requirements. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would take them with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen A Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Do you know if her hospital room during her recovery will be a private room or not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puma Mom Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 What about just taking dd? She wants to go, it could be good mother/daughter time for you and father/son time for dh, and dealing with one might be easier for each of you. Ds may not be able to stay home alone for a day by himself, but maybe he can hang out with a homeschooling friend for a day. Barring that, going to work with Dad for an extra day might be okay with him too. In my experience, my dd at 12 would have been a piece of cake to take, while neither of my boys at 10 would have been. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 fwiw, when my mom fell and shattered one shoulder and dislocated the opposite elbow (at 82!), dds 12 and 10.5 and i flew across the country, stayed with my brother and his boys, and took the dc to the hospital with me twice a day, for two hours at a time. that was about all the energy she had for us. but the driving distance was only 40 minutes, not an hour, from where we were staying. it worked wonderfully. each day, we talked about something they could do for her (as both arms were in casts)... they fed her, brushed her hair, etc. each day we planned a little something more.... sitting in the chair, sitting in the wheel chair, going for a wheel chair walk in the hall, to the chapel, to the sitting area outside. the girls were a joy and a godsend. we took a deck of cards in so they could play cards with grandma (and sometimes on their own). the other three women in the room, all my mom's age, perked up so much when the girls arrived. they were kept quite busy, and only got bored a few times. we were there for 10 days, and unfortunately had to fly home before she was released. i did make sure that between the lunch visit and the dinner visit, i took them to do something interesting in the city the hospital was in, or out to lunch, or both, so i was only driving in and back once a day. but i would say take them with you, for sure. :grouphug: its hard to be far away when our parents need us. ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2a&z Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 You need to think about how many hours a day you will be in the hospital room. Are you the only one that will be taking care of mom? Will you expect the kids to be at the hospital 12 - 14 hours a day or more? You really think you will concentrate on school work? I would take a serious look at what it's really going to look like for them. Personally I can't see you doing it all unless they can hang out at the relatives house and you can go easy on school work. We wouldn't be able to go back and forth during the day, so we would be at the hospital for 10 - 12 hours each day. They couldn't stay by themselves at my aunt's house, they would have to come with me. We would only do minimal school work, mostly to keep them occupied. Can you take the 12 yo and leave the 10 yo? We have thought about that. My dd has such a servant's heart, she would be a big help. :iagree: I think Starr makes some very good points. I think it would be a little unreasonable to keep the kids at the hospital for long periods of time and not expect some misbehavior (even in the best of generally well behaved kids). I might consider taking them IF there was someone available who could watch them at least part of the time. Maybe you could go up alone for the surgery/immediate recovery and go back after your mom gets back home. Would she and your dad need help then? Yes, it's two long trips and it may not be financially feasible; but, it's something to consider. I can only make one trip and I need to be there until she goes home. There is a chance she could end up with a permanent feeding tube, so my dad might need some help making sure she had everything she needs. I would take them and get a CNA textbook to bring along. It would be great immersion training in a field. Even if it is only them learning to spot what is done correctly and incorrectly. I'm not sure what type of surgery your mom is having, but id she is sleeping a lot in recovery you will have time to explore with the kids. Once she is ambulatory, you guys can explore with her (per dr orders) Anyway, I think it would be great to take them!!! I also believe it is important for kids to have a hands on knowledge of taking care of family. I hadn't thought of a CNA textbook. What a great idea! Do you know if her hospital room during her recovery will be a private room or not? I expect her to be in ICU for several days and after that, I'm not sure. Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I've been so worried about my mom, that I'm having a hard time thinking clearly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would take them and not have them do school, but have their learning be the experience and doing what they can to help out, even if that is just entertaining grandma or bringing a glass of water or dusting the living room. I might have them still doing math or whatever topic is most important to stay current with, but just one. And lots of reading to keep them busy during downtimes. I hope your mother comes through surgery well and that your trip goes smoothly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 There are some very good reasons for taking the dc. They can be helpful and bring much joy to your parents and even other patients. When it comes right down to it, though, ime, it's not a great place for dc for that long. If they could stay at your aunt's house part of the day, it would be different, I think. Even on good days, spending 2 weeks, 10-12 hours a day in the hospital is a lot to ask of dc that young. Many patients don't want company. Some do, but it's hard to know ahead of time. If it is *major* surgery, things can go wrong.:( When my dad had surgery, his ICU stay went from a predicted 2 days to 3 weeks. Having dc along on that trip would have been disastrous for everyone. Talk to someone who's had family in the hospital for 2 weeks and see what they say. :grouphug: I'll be praying for your mom that she recuperates quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would leave the kids home if you can work it out. IME hospitals are not really 'family friendly'. I think your kids will be bored, you will be stressed/focused on your mom, there are special rules about who can go where, etc. :grouphug: I hope everything goes ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Many hospitals will not let a 10yr visit--especially in ICU. Also check visiting hours! The children may be required to be supervised by someone while you attend to your mother's needs. (they would probably say even the 12yr old was too young to supervise the 10yr old). I 'might' do it with a 12 yr old-- NOT with a 10 yr old for that potential long period-- when will he 'wiggle'? Expecting a 10yr old boy to sit quite and still for 10 hrs a day for days on end is not realistic! (I'd even have trouble with that!). Unless you have other family who can care for your children while you are at the hospital all day, they are better off-- and MUCH SAFER at home... hospitals can make you sick! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 My ds10 would not be able to hang out in a visiting room for 10-12 hours a day. A friends dad is in the local ICU right now. No one under 13 is allowed in the patient rooms. Anyone under 13 anywhere in the hospital must be supervised by an adult at all times. You should really call ahead. Not to mention that after about 15 minutes in the waiting room, my ds10 was beyond bored. It was sterile. The only TV was on news TV at the vote of the adults using the room. Topics of discussion of the other families was not always what I want my son to hear, some very very inappropriate for a child. Lots of raw emotions are shared in the ICU due to the depths of illness and depth. A friend of mine also went thru a serious medical situation with her dh this year. He spent a couple of weeks in ICU. During that time she was taking her 2 oldest with her (12 and 10). At some point while she was in dh's room during a visiting time, someone called Child protective services because the children were alone, and had been alone several times over several days. They were not misbehaving. It was humiliating for my friends and just added stress. Yes, I believe that family should be together. I absolutely believe that children should be involved. I wonder if there could be some way for them to join you after she returns home instead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would probably not take them because my attention would be so divided that I felt I was not doing anyone (mom or kids) justice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I had my 2 kids with me for a week while my brother was in hospital several years ago. It was BORING. We had our own waiting room, and plenty of family around, but there's only so much we could do. I can't imagine having two kids without the family surrounding them at the hospital for 10-12 hours a day. Yuck for them. I'd go alone, and let my husband have some bonding time with the kids. I would definitely find another family for them to hang around with, or arrange playdates, or SOMETHING, so your husband can work. I'd give them a list for school every day to check off assignments, and make good use of Skype and the phone, if you could. I also wouldn't expect as much schoolwork. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 We wouldn't be able to go back and forth during the day, so we would be at the hospital for 10 - 12 hours each day. They couldn't stay by themselves at my aunt's house, they would have to come with me. We would only do minimal school work, mostly to keep them occupied. We have thought about that. My dd has such a servant's heart, she would be a big help. I can only make one trip and I need to be there until she goes home. There is a chance she could end up with a permanent feeding tube, so my dad might need some help making sure she had everything she needs. I hadn't thought of a CNA textbook. What a great idea! I expect her to be in ICU for several days and after that, I'm not sure. Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I've been so worried about my mom, that I'm having a hard time thinking clearly. I really think that your kids will be better off at home. 10-12 hours/day for however long you're there/your mom is in hospital is too much for the kids. Minimal schoolwork and books will only fill so much time. Also your kids may not be old enough to visit your mom in the ICU -- your 12yo might be allowed a couple minutes each day; but, most hospitals I know don't allow 10 year olds in (the hospitals in my area have 13 or 14 as the minimum age). This means they'd be stuck in the ICU waiting room for hours. And someone (an adult) would need to be with them (in other words not with your mom) at all times. I know you're really worried about your mom. I really think that if you must travel now (as opposed to when she is discharged from hospital) you should go alone. I understand the concept of children learning how families take care of each other; but, unfortunately, this is not the time for that lesson -- not while your mom is in the hospital, especially in ICU. I hope you find a solution which works for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 My mom could be in the hospital for up to 2 weeks. I would like to stay with my parents until we can get my mom out of the hospital and home. I just did this, but not as far away and not as long gone. First, think about this - do they need you there while mom is in the hospital? Does your dad need help taking care of himself? For me, this is a no. For dh, this is a yes. Our dads are perfectly able to take care of themselves without our moms present. But FIL has a history of alcoholism. DH goes and stays every time MIL is in the hospital to make sure FIL doesn't drink. So do you need to go while mom is in the hospital? I waited and arrived there the night before my mom came home. Of course my mom was only in the hospital for a few days, not a couple weeks. I'm sure that visiting daily will wear on your dad and aunt and uncle. Having another person there will take a little off of them. I agree with others. A lot of taking care of my mom once she was home was sitting with her. I was there without kids for several days. Then once the kids came with dh, I knew what to tell them to do to help. It was a lot of "go sit with Nana and talk to her". She had to spend hours each day hooked up to a machine that bent her knees. (Knee replacement surgery) This - sitting and talking with gramma - is something your kids can do at their ages. The hospital time with the kids would be iffy for me. Even with my kids at 16, 13 and 10. They are good kids and like to read and are self entertaining but would still get bored. The time at home would be where I think your folks would need the help - meals and entertaining gramma while she recovers. There were things that I just saw plain as day that my dad never even noticed. Ok - I lost the original message - the time you are talking about being away 2+ weeks, I'd take the kids but I don't know about school getting done at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :iagree: with checking on age limits. I have way too much icu experience and I have never seen an age limit lower than 13 (more often it's been 15). Also, the max number of visitors is usually 2. ICUs are often open bays, where the only thing separating you from anyone is a curtain, with 6-8 beds grouped together. We've had 2 experiences where there wasn't even room for a cot. The ICU is much different than a regular room, in my experience. I would at most bring your 12 year old, but ideally I would leave them both at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Just wanted to add that I had assumed age limits had been looked into. If that is not the case definately check that out. I might also consider brining the 12 year old, but not the 10. Have you put thought into when she gets home. At the hospital she will have a paid staff to help her. At home....who will help her? I know the hospital is bit more exciting, but often it's the at home care that is really needed. Good luck!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 there is no way I'd take my kids. My mom was an invalid for 12 years. About an hour at the nursing home was all they could manage. Also ICU's have age limits. When my mom was in the ICU we could only go into visit 15 minutes every hour. The rest of the time was spent in the waiting room. It was exhausting. No way in the world I'd do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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