Why Chinese mothers are superior?

[Elaine]

I agree. I'm actually surprised that so many here view this mother's behavior as appropriate.

 

Because this is a totally different culture. I have a Korean friend (parents directly from Korea) who was raised very much like the child in this article. I could never relate to how she was raised because I am not Korean. This is the norm in their culture, and it works for them.

 

I clearly remember her being amazed that I did not have to do my homework as soon as I got in from school. Her parents were warm, kind and loving, but they had high standards and she rose to them.

[8circles]

Because this is a totally different culture. I have a Korean friend (parents directly from Korea) who was raised very much like the child in this article. I could never relate to how she was raised because I am not Korean. This is the norm in their culture, and it works for them.

 

I clearly remember her being amazed that I did not have to do my homework as soon as I got in from school. Her parents were warm, kind and loving, but they had high standards and she rose to them.

 

I see no warmth, loving, or kindness in the article. & I don't think it is so cut & dried that "it works for them". I know several adults who were raised in this culture & it didn't "work for them".

[Word Nerd]

Why is there no option C? Are my only options as a parent truly to be a milquetoast or a tyrant? That is my problem with the article.

Edited January 8, 2011 by WordGirl

[pqr]

I see no warmth, loving, or kindness in the article. & I don't think it is so cut & dried that "it works for them". I know several adults who were raised in this culture & it didn't "work for them".

 

From the article "That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up."

 

You are putting your biases against another system. If you can show that the system fails then your biases have validity but as that system succeeds you really need more evidence.

[pqr]

Why is there no option C? Are my only options as a parent truly to be a milquetoast or a tyrant?

 

 

and option C is?

 

Remember, however, that option B does seem to have worked.

[Elaine]

From the article "That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up."

 

You are putting your biases against another system. If you can show that the system fails then your biases have validity but as that system succeeds you really need more evidence.

 

Thank-you. I was just coming to past that quote.

[8circles]

From the article "That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up."

 

You are putting your biases against another system. If you can show that the system fails then your biases have validity but as that system succeeds you really need more evidence.

 

Yes, my biases come into play just as everyone's does. I don't see snuggling in bed after abuse as a positive. As I said earlier, I think I define success differently than these Chinese mothers. I don't see overall success here at all.

[Catherine]

You say that your daughter is capable of more, but she would take no joy in achieving more.

 

I think a Chinese parent would say they could care less about their child's immediate happiness. They are motivating their child for a long term goal-academic success and even more, forming a habit of hard work and self-discipline. Although in our culture, shaming a child or even beating them into working and studying harder is frowned upon, probably for good reasons, there is another side to that coin. Our culture tends to see people as innately smart or talented, and the asian mindset is that WORK produces success, not genetics. I agree with the asian mindset insofar as I want to help my kids to understand that their effort, and their choices, are what will make or break their life, not how "smart" they are.

[Elaine]

Let me ask you this.

 

A child is fat you can:

 

A. support her and do all those nice things that we as parents try to do.

B. call her fatty, still show love, but pull no punches.

 

Given our experience in this nation which do you think is more effective?

 

 

This reminds me of the quote by Warren Wiersbe, "Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy."

 

We seem to be going the way of hypocrisy. We don't want to "hurt someone's feelings" so we avoid telling the truth or sugar coat it.

 

I would not call my child "fatty" but if he were putting on weight I would say it, just as I would expect someone to tell me the truth about myself. Maybe I am not the norm. I like people who tell the truth and care enough about me to be honest, even if it means that I might not like it.

 

(Sorry, got a little off topic there.)

[pqr]

, I think I define success differently than these Chinese mothers. I don't see overall success here at all.

 

This is a common value system but also explains why decades from now, as I said, "our" children (modern Western psychobabble values)will be working for "her" children.

 

When "our" children rely for their livelihood upon the decisions of "her" children I wonder who they (our children) will deem the success.

Edited January 8, 2011 by pqr

[SailorMom]

I think the article is great.

I am not a "Chinese Mother" of course, and my kids play sports, and go to summer camp, etc..... however, I am constantly told by other parents how "mean and hard" I am on my kids. I believe self-esteem is earned by our accomplishments and not by being handled with kid-gloves. Anyway, I'm more worried about self-worth than self esteem. Prisoners have notoriously high self-esteem.

It's funny, the same parents who can't beleive how strict I am, etc, also praise my kids for how respectful, well behaved, mature, and responsible my kids are. My 14 yo son went back to public school this year, I have never had to wake him up, he has never missed the bus, and is getting straight A's..... because he knows that I know he is capable and will accept no less. The other parents are shocked that I don't have to drag him out of bed, and can't belive he is getting A's in the advanced math and language arts classes (after me teaching him - he thinks they are EASY).

Our kids live up to our expectations. I have very high expectations.

I think us Westerners could learn a lot from Asian-style parenting.

[Elaine]

Yes, my biases come into play just as everyone's does. I don't see snuggling in bed after abuse as a positive. As I said earlier, I think I define success differently than these Chinese mothers. I don't see overall success here at all.

 

It is abuse in your opinion. After the child perfected the piano piece it was her mother that she ran to, proudly.

 

All of your arguments are proving the author's point. "Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job."

[BMW]

I agree, Sailormom. One thing I will not do is give praise for, pardon me, crappy work. So, sometimes no praise is given! I will tell any one of my boys, "I cannot be happy that you did this poorly." or "I will not be proud of you when you choose to do low quality work. There is nothing to be proud of!" And they frown. And that is okay with me. I cannot stand it when they do the littlest possible to just get by. There's simply nothing to be proud of. It goes so much farther than self esteem... it's their character we're talking about.

[Elaine]

I think the article is great.

I am not a "Chinese Mother" of course, and my kids play sports, and go to summer camp, etc..... however, I am constantly told by other parents how "mean and hard" I am on my kids. I believe self-esteem is earned by our accomplishments and not by being handled with kid-gloves. Anyway, I'm more worried about self-worth than self esteem. Prisoners have notoriously high self-esteem.

It's funny, the same parents who can't beleive how strict I am, etc, also praise my kids for how respectful, well behaved, mature, and responsible my kids are. My 14 yo son went back to public school this year, I have never had to wake him up, he has never missed the bus, and is getting straight A's..... because he knows that I know he is capable and will accept no less. The other parents are shocked that I don't have to drag him out of bed, and can't belive he is getting A's in the advanced math and language arts classes (after me teaching him - he thinks they are EASY).

Our kids live up to our expectations. I have very high expectations.

I think us Westerners could learn a lot from Asian-style parenting.

 

Good for you! :001_smile:

 

"because he knows that I know he is capable and will accept no less." Yes, this.

[JennyD]

Our culture tends to see people as innately smart or talented, and the asian mindset is that WORK produces success, not genetics. I agree with the asian mindset insofar as I want to help my kids to understand that their effort, and their choices, are what will make or break their life, not how "smart" they are.

 

:iagree:

 

That said, I am not running out to implement her approach, and my DH wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot-pole. For one thing, I think it's a recipe for intellectual disengagement, regardless of academic accomplishment. Even with his parents' watered-down approach, my Chinese-American DH was in graduate school before it occurred to him that maybe there was more to education than just getting grades. His grades were spectacular (although, I should note, no better than my grades, even with my mushy-we-love-you-just-as-you-are American parents) but he never, ever read a book for pleasure before a few years ago.

 

I also can't possibly imagine how you could take this kind of no-holds-barred approach in a homeschooling context without everyone rapidly going off the rails.

 

Here's a review of the book from which this was excerpted:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/01/07/AR2011010702516.html

Edited January 8, 2011 by JennyD

[Rebecca VA]

The book review is hysterically funny! I'm still laughing!!

[Sophia]

What a great article!

 

Unlike some other posters, I do not see this mom as abusive or unkind.

From the article (bolding mine) "In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

 

They see the potential and believe in their children enough to help them get there~no easy task as most of us who homeschool know.

 

Thanks for sharing the article, Heather.:001_smile:

[Gratia271]

This reminds me of the quote by Warren Wiersbe, "Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy."

 

 

Exactly.

[WTMCassandra]

Well, I do agree with this part:

 

"What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. "

 

But I most emphatically do NOT believe in how to get there. I strongly disagree with shaming and threatening. On the surface, I require most of what they require, but I get there without shaming.

[BMW]

But, can we not choose to take the best of the parenting concepts, raise the bar and combine that with love and fun? Really? I think so!

 

I would love to be more like the "Chinese" mom in certain ways. I DO see the slippery slope that when following what is presented would lead to abuse.

 

Can we not teach our toddlers to clean up their toys? Can we not control how much tv and video games they are experiencing? Can we not pour time into them with our homeschooling? Isn't the classical educational experience in the home going to provide them with outstanding academics? Can we not control our daily and weekly schedules? There are amazing benefits of homeschooling at play in our lives... we can make learning a second language a reality! If you have high goals and expectations, can you not still season that with love and fun?

 

Trust me. I am all about living in the moment and loving life every day.

 

But, wouldn't it be great if we were inspired to raise our children to excel, too?

 

Just wondering out loud here... what do you think?

 

 

 

I have to agree with the concept that kids don't like the structure. They don't like the "work". I think many parents all too often lower the standards and make life more fun... and keep the children from getting upset. It's easier. It's lazy, imo. So, who is in charge? The parents or the kids? What outcome do we want for our children?

[Elaine]

Exactly.

 

Just to be clear, because you are quoting me, I do not think that the mom in the article was brutal. She is quite the opposite, actually.

[CLHCO]

You say that your daughter is capable of more, but she would take no joy in achieving more.

 

I think a Chinese parent would say they could care less about their child's immediate happiness. They are motivating their child for a long term goal-academic success and even more, forming a habit of hard work and self-discipline. Although in our culture, shaming a child or even beating them into working and studying harder is frowned upon, probably for good reasons, there is another side to that coin. Our culture tends to see people as innately smart or talented, and the asian mindset is that WORK produces success, not genetics. I agree with the asian mindset insofar as I want to help my kids to understand that their effort, and their choices, are what will make or break their life, not how "smart" they are.

 

This is what I took from the article. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a relaxed homeschooler, and a largely relaxed parent. I don't verbally abuse my kids, there are far better ways to tell-it-like-it-is, without resorting to name-calling. (Side note: out of some mouths it's name calling and cruel, out of other cultures, it likely isn't taken the way some here are taking it because it's balanced through their entire life in a different way.) However, even in my home, I do admire a work ethic I seem to have trouble reproducing. I can't say I do personally care if my kids can give cookie-cutter answers to tests, such things are not my priority - at least as a homeschooler who doesn't bother to test. I don't really care that all parents hold to the same priorities.

 

That said, many farmers in our history didn't find high academics their priority, but by gosh, they believed in WORK and they believed in expert work when it was given. I can't help to think we've grown soft. Somewhere in there a child will need to know how to do the work, including getting that "A", if what's behind that "A" matters. John Taylor Gatto had a story of a boy whose family ran businesses and that kid rarely showed up for class. Why? Because he was working his tail off in the real world already. I'm good with that type of work too, but I'm not good with hours on the X-Box because little Jimmy-poo doesn't "like" to do anything else. That is what more and more western parents are starting to raise.

Edited January 8, 2011 by CLHCO

[BMW]

Thanks, Elaine, you just gave me my quote for the year!

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

What a great article!

 

They see the potential and believe in their children enough to help them get there~no easy task as most of us who homeschool know.

 

Thanks for sharing the article, Heather.:001_smile:

 

Sophia, the same quote attracted you as it did me. Now I've got to get my 13yo to practise his violin. (no seriously I do !) He's part of a youth symphony orchestra where more than half the kids are Chinese, and so is the maestro. Pressure's on! (I'm kidding..)

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I am appalled at the way we're raising children in America today. I am often angry that I have *zero* IRL support for high standards and a sober-minded approach to the future for my children.

 

That said, I have no desire for the Chinese system as this mother describes it.

 

I want to give my children the best of the West, and I really don't care if it isn't PC to put it that way.

 

According to my understanding, America became great because it combined the humanities foundation of the west with the absolute need for creativity and ingenuity in the new world.

 

Our family's American heroes are all well-educated, creative, competitive, and hearty people. I believe that is the type of American needed for the coming struggles.

 

I would not write an article for the WSJ about my superior parenting skills before my children were even full-grown :tongue_smilie:but I will share on the WTM boards what I think is a good formula for my American children:

1. A rigorous western education. For me, this is only possible through homeschooling. I try to help my children learn with WTM, TOG, Latin, Logic, Rhetoric, and globally competitive math and science. I am very willing to be flexible with curriculum or learning styles, but they will all get there eventually.

 

2. A healthy body. We are involved with taekwondo and an outdoor lifestyle. I believe that taekwondo offers needed self-defense and bodily discipline. I believe that hiking, swimming, and climbing are activities that strengthen the body and lungs while leaving the child free to think his own thoughts and absorb the natural beauty around him.

 

3. Free time. Since my children were little, I have believed they need almost an hour of free time for every hour of directed study. That is when they assimilate what they've studied! And that is when they sort out their own thoughts. The type of education we are pursuing is full of ideas that need to be turned over in one's mind. That takes time.

 

4. Opportunities for creativity. This is the #1 difference between me and this "Chinese mother." If my son is not musical, he is not forced to play an instrument! If he is not an artist, he is not forced to draw beyond the drafting skills that are part of his schoolwork. If a child if mine *is* musical, he is never interrupted while he practices voluntarily. My musical child plays five instruments, and I've never told him to practice. If a child of mine *is* artistic, he is provided with a desk, an easel, and all the art supplies and instructional material that we can afford. My artistic child produces quantities of studied art, and I've never told him to practice.

 

I see no value in creative expression if I have to beat it out of him. It becomes a thing despised, to him and to me, if it is not from his heart.

 

5. Inclusion in adult life and struggles. How can our children be problem-solvers if they never have any problems and never observe adults solving problems creatively? Thankfully, for us this is a built-in part of life. We are upper-working/lower-middle class, blue collar folks, and our children are home with us most of the time. Therefore, our problems are their problems, and no one is handed anything on a silver platter. They deal with home and auto repair, financial struggles, making do, and doing without on a very regular basis. The older two (ages 12 and 14) are able to contribute ideas now instead of just helping and observing.

 

6. A foundation of faith and spiritual values. In our family, that means Christianity. We try to live the values of John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life), I Corinthians 13 (the definition of love), and Galations 6 (the fruits of the spirit). Whether my children grow to share my faith in Jesus Christ is not within my power, but I hope that they will be guided for life by the home principles of loving their neighbor and being upright and good.

 

Of course, the first way to model love and acceptance of our fellow man is to demonstrate love and acceptance toward our children. These children are cherished, not berated. Loved, not insulted. At least we try, and at least we do not brag about berating and insulting.

 

A rigorous education. A healthy body. Free time. Creativity. Struggle. Faith. For this American mother raising four sons, this is how to grow a man.

 

I have no desire to produce cookie-cutter children in a pressure cooker home. I want hale, hearty, intelligent, and creative children who are firmly grounded in the benevolent humanities of the west.

[Mejane]

When "our" children rely for their livelihood upon the decisions of "her" children I wonder who they (our children) will deem the success.

 

I think you presume much.

[TXMary2]

 

We are raising an entire generation of children who cannot cope with any kind of disappointment.

 

:iagree: Anecdotal, but just watch the auditions of American Idol!! Not only can many not cope with disappointment, many have had smoke blown up their you know whats and can't fathom that they aren't good. IMO the self esteem movement in our country has done some serious damage to common sense, real self confidence and encourages mediocrity.

[pqr]

I think you presume much.

 

 

Which part? The part where all indications are that the Modern Western Touchy Feely approach is failing? The part where it seems thet the "Chinese Mother" approach is succeeding? The part where the chap who was not pushed and now works for the chap who was will not wish for a reversal of places?

 

Which part?

[laughing lioness]

Very interesting article. I agree with several of her points and disagree with others. It's a great study on world view and parenting paradigms.

 

I find the extreme shaming troubling and wonder why the dh's disagreements with that are so blatently ignored. I wonder why the father's worldview/opinon/parenting expertise is so non-present.

 

If we were soley concerned with having our kids perform at Carnegie at 17 we would have limited our family size, I would be working, and we would be training our kids quite differently. My goal is so vitally differnt than this woman's that it's fairly irrelevant to me.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

According to this article, Amy Chua threatened to burn up stuffed animals, slapped her child while she practiced piano, and wouldn't even let her up to go to the bathroom, and threw homemade birthday cards back in her daughters' faces because the cards weren't good enough.

 

A Superior Mother??

 

The bit about not letting her child pause for a bathroom break reminds me of the Beijing Olympics. The opening number was such a glorious, superior hit because the performers practiced 16 hours per day and were made to wear diapers because it is too indulgent to have bathroom breaks. (Read the article. It gets worse than just the diaper thing.)

 

Oh, yes, how superior to the West.

 

My American children are being taught to hate and fight that sort of inhumane tyranny. We do not admire it or fear it. We despise it.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I find many of the responses in this thread to be more amusing than the article.

 

It is interesting to me that when discussing curriculum, societal relations between majority/minority groups, religions, etc. there is a never ending stream of accusations of cultural intolerance. Essays and snarks about how we need to understand and accept other cultures abound.

 

This woman writes an article (and presumably a book) that says she feels her culture and how it raises children is more successful than what is practiced in the US. Everyone is immediately up in arms and defending themselves (often via bashing the author). Where is the understanding and acceptance of her cultural differences?

 

I must confess that I'm sure my kids would see aspects of the Chinese mother in me. Maybe not when they are running amok outside building snowmen but certainly when I say they can't race for their mittens until their chores, school work or other obligations are met.

[Abigail4476]

I agree. I'm actually surprised that so many here view this mother's behavior as appropriate. You can be kind & still expect greatness, no? I personally don't care how great anyone is if they aren't kind.

 

:iagree:

[Stacy in NJ]

After all what have "we" accomplished in the last century?

 

How about this:

the internal combustion engine

flight

space flight

the industrial revolution

antibiotics

ammunizations

the atom and splitting the atom

dna and the sequencing of it

the internet

 

We sure are lazy and unmotivated!!!!!!

 

I actually do agree with the "Chinese mother" that we as a culture are overly concerned with self-esteem, but another great quality of Western culture, and American culture in particular, is our flexibility and adaptability.

[Abigail4476]

Let me ask you this.

 

A child is fat you can:

 

A. support her and do all those nice things that we as parents try to do.

B. call her fatty, still show love, but pull no punches.

 

Given our experience in this nation which do you think is more effective?...

 

You can help your children make better food choices and become more active without insulting them. :glare:

[laundrycrisis]

I had a roommate who was Chinese. She had major issues resulting from the nature of the relationship with her parents. One issue they were particularly harsh about was her choice of career - engineering. Their pressure for her to attend medical school was relentless. They even got her admitted to one. And in the end, she caved to it. In her 20s, living independently as an adult, she quit her engineering job with no notice and went to med school just to stop the endless harassment. Her dates were chosen by her parents. Her career and where she would live was chosen by her parents. Her mother literally chose all of her clothing. In her 20s, she was still treated like a naughty and disappointing 3 year old. I do not think she will ever be happy, because she will never get to make her own decisions unless she cuts herself off from her entire family and culture. If she has married, I imagine her parents chose him, and if she has had kids, I imagine they may be treated the same way. The whole situation was so incredibly sad. She told me it is the way it is done in Chinese families. :(

[pqr]

threw homemade birthday cards back in her daughters' faces because the cards weren't good enough.

 

So what? Birthday cards that our children received with poor spelling etc were not cute they only indicated that the children were ill-educated and the parents (pick your word) to check the cards before they were delivered.

 

Absolutely a parent should have a child produce a card that is acceptable, if not send him back to generate another.

Edited January 8, 2011 by pqr

[Elaine]

:iagree: Anecdotal, but just watch the auditions of American Idol!! Not only can many not cope with disappointment, many have had smoke blown up their you know whats and can't fathom that they aren't good. IMO the self esteem movement in our country has done some serious damage to common sense, real self confidence and encourages mediocrity.

 

That is because of the whole "Everybody is a winner!" mentality.

 

I went to a swimming party, for 12 year olds, and the children had a race. The boy who came in second was beside himself- crying, carrying on, throwing things. He went to his mother and said, "Make them do the race again. I want to be the winner." She said, "You are the second winner.":001_huh:

 

I thought to myself, "No. He is the first loser." Oy.

[pqr]

You can help your children make better food choices and become more active without insulting them. :glare:

 

Elaine answered this one for me.

 

"Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy."

 

No one says do not help and guide, but also do not lie!

[Mejane]

Which part? The part where all indications are that the Modern Western Touchy Feely approach is failing? The part where it seems thet the "Chinese Mother" approach is succeeding? The part where the chap who was not pushed and now works for the chap who was will not wish for a reversal of places?

 

Which part?

 

The part where either trend will continue. The part where such highly-pressured kids will continue to go along. The part where whatever it is the Chinese are producing decades from now is more relevant than what other countries are producing. The part where we are defined as a success only by our occupation and whether we're in charge. The part where innovation and vision are trumped by strict adherence to the party line.

 

I could go on, but I think you get my meaning. ;)

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

So what? Birthday cards that our children received with poor spelling etc. were not cute they only indicated that the children were ill-educated and the parents to (pick your word) to check the cards before they were delivered.

 

Absolutely a patent should have a child produce a card that is acceptable, if not send him back to genarate another.

 

I suppose I'll have to throw this post in your face because you were too (pick your word) to avoid these errors.

[Stacy in NJ]

If everyone get's A's, right?

 

I admire the work ethic of many asian families in my acquaintance. But, boy do I feel for that kid who's busting his/her butt working relentlessly and ends up the that A-. For some to succeed, some need to fall short.

 

This is a true reflection of what I saw in China. There are always going to be children who fail, however; the article doesn't address what happens to them. In Taiwan, I knew of mentally disabled children who were locked away from sight, too embarrassing for their parents to take out in public.

 

Laura

[pqr]

I suppose I'll have to throw this post in your face because you were too (pick your word) to avoid these errors.

 

QED

 

...and I went back and fixed it.

 

Your turn:-)

Edited January 8, 2011 by pqr

[treestarfae]

We are raising an entire generation of children who cannot cope with any kind of disappointment.

I think it's a case of two extremes. Western culture is full of indulgence and Eastern is too wound up.

[TXMary2]

I suppose I'll have to throw this post in your face because you were too (pick your word) to avoid these errors.

 

Really? That is where you are going? You do know he can edit his post to correct his typo.....much like correcting an error on the birthday card. Somehow I don't think editing a typo is going to hurt his self esteem. Big deal.

[Soror]

I am torn on this. I don't see how witholding water and bathroom breaks with a 7 y.o. for hours is not abuse. I don't see how making empty threats is an admirable parenting technique either. However, I am an honest person, to a fault some say. I wouldn't lie to my children but being mean is not good either. I don't think it is nice to call anyone names, really. Why would I call my child a fatty, when I wouldn't do that to someone else, it would be considered rude. We could have an honest discussion though about gaining weight and such and about not being a healthy size.

 

I do hope to keep high standards but I think it is also imperative to keep in mind your own child's strengths and weaknesses. Let them flourish in what they are good at and push that. However, my definition of success has more to do with how they treat others, how virtuous of a life they lead.

[Stacy in NJ]

I thought to myself, "No. He is the first loser." Oy.

 

You learn a whole 'nother skill set when you lose. How to lose gracefully, firstly. Secondly, how to practice and try harder for next time.

[Abigail4476]

I am appalled at the way we're raising children in America today. I am often angry that I have *zero* IRL support for high standards and a sober-minded approach to the future for my children.

 

That said, I have no desire for the Chinese system as this mother describes it.

 

I want to give my children the best of the West, and I really don't care if it isn't PC to put it that way.

 

According to my understanding, America became great because it combined the humanities foundation of the west with the absolute need for creativity and ingenuity in the new world.

 

Our family's American heroes are all well-educated, creative, competitive, and hearty people. I believe that is the type of American needed for the coming struggles.

 

I would not write an article for the WSJ about my superior parenting skills before my children were even full-grown :tongue_smilie:but I will share on the WTM boards what I think is a good formula for my American children:

1. A rigorous western education. For me, this is only possible through homeschooling. I try to help my children learn with WTM, TOG, Latin, Logic, Rhetoric, and globally competitive math and science. I am very willing to be flexible with curriculum or learning styles, but they will all get there eventually.

 

2. A healthy body. We are involved with taekwondo and an outdoor lifestyle. I believe that taekwondo offers needed self-defense and bodily discipline. I believe that hiking, swimming, and climbing are activities that strengthen the body and lungs while leaving the child free to think his own thoughts and absorb the natural beauty around him.

 

3. Free time. Since my children were little, I have believed they need almost an hour of free time for every hour of directed study. That is when they assimilate what they've studied! And that is when they sort out their own thoughts. The type of education we are pursuing is full of ideas that need to be turned over in one's mind. That takes time.

 

4. Opportunities for creativity. This is the #1 difference between me and this "Chinese mother." If my son is not musical, he is not forced to play an instrument! If he is not an artist, he is not forced to draw beyond the drafting skills that are part of his schoolwork. If a child if mine *is* musical, he is never interrupted while he practices voluntarily. My musical child plays five instruments, and I've never told him to practice. If a child of mine *is* artistic, he is provided with a desk, an easel, and all the art supplies and instructional material that we can afford. My artistic child produces quantities of studied art, and I've never told him to practice.

 

I see no value in creative expression if I have to beat it out of him. It becomes a thing despised, to him and to me, if it is not from his heart.

 

5. Inclusion in adult life and struggles. How can our children be problem-solvers if they never have any problems and never observe adults solving problems creatively? Thankfully, for us this is a built-in part of life. We are upper-working/lower-middle class, blue collar folks, and our children are home with us most of the time. Therefore, our problems are their problems, and no one is handed anything on a silver platter. They deal with home and auto repair, financial struggles, making do, and doing without on a very regular basis. The older two (ages 12 and 14) are able to contribute ideas now instead of just helping and observing.

 

6. A foundation of faith and spiritual values. In our family, that means Christianity. We try to live the values of John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life), I Corinthians 13 (the definition of love), and Galations 6 (the fruits of the spirit). Whether my children grow to share my faith in Jesus Christ is not within my power, but I hope that they will be guided for life by the home principles of loving their neighbor and being upright and good.

 

Of course, the first way to model love and acceptance of our fellow man is to demonstrate love and acceptance toward our children. These children are cherished, not berated. Loved, not insulted. At least we try, and at least we do not brag about berating and insulting.

 

A rigorous education. A healthy body. Free time. Creativity. Struggle. Faith. For this American mother raising four sons, this is how to grow a man.

 

I have no desire to produce cookie-cutter children in a pressure cooker home. I want hale, hearty, intelligent, and creative children who are firmly grounded in the benevolent humanities of the west.

:iagree:

 

I find many of the responses in this thread to be more amusing than the article.

 

It is interesting to me that when discussing curriculum, societal relations between majority/minority groups, religions, etc. there is a never ending stream of accusations of cultural intolerance. Essays and snarks about how we need to understand and accept other cultures abound.

 

This woman writes an article (and presumably a book) that says she feels her culture and how it raises children is more successful than what is practiced in the US. Everyone is immediately up in arms and defending themselves (often via bashing the author). Where is the understanding and acceptance of her cultural differences?

 

I must confess that I'm sure my kids would see aspects of the Chinese mother in me. Maybe not when they are running amok outside building snowmen but certainly when I say they can't race for their mittens until their chores, school work or other obligations are met.

 

If I had read the article, and it had only contained ideas about media-free days and rigorous schedules, I would have her back regardless of cultural differences. It's the tones of and support for abusive behavior that I find appalling; I can't stomach it.

 

Recently, I had the privilege of observing a [recently immigrated] Burmese woman beating her 3 year old daughter because the child embarrassed her. Beating. Not spanking. Only me stepping out of a bathroom stall stopped her in her tracks. I took the information to someone who had the authority to speak to her, and he had a talk with the parents about American expectations and how such behavior would no doubt land her in jail, among other things. Cultural differences? Sure. Tolerable on the basis of cultural differences? Not a chance. :glare:

 

I can appreciate and accept the best of all cultures. The basest aspects of every culture, including our own, should be recognized as shameful and not excused as "cultural."

Edited January 8, 2011 by Abigail4476

[laughing lioness]

This author (and according to her, others) are "starting with the end in mind." They have a specific goal for thier children that their parenting develops. I have to admire that, even if I disagree with the methodology. I often think if my fellow American parents were more concerned with the type of people they raised, if they started with the end of mind: i.e. what kind of adult do I want to be interacting with when this person is 16, 24, 37?, rather than doing a whole host of other (insert, unhelpful, selfish, narcissitic) things, our kids would be better off.

 

 

Again, I don't see this form of parenting as utlimately effective. Narcissim (where a person's emotional needs are ignored, yet the person is treated as "special"), at least, would seem a natural extension of it. I'm not interested in raising narcissists, so it's not relevant to me. But, the fact that this woman- an American citizen, no doubt, has wholly rejected the American way of parenting, says something about both her and what she sees as the norm in America.

[Stacy in NJ]

I think the author goes well beyond holding children to high standards and into abusive behaviors. You can be a strict parent without calling your kid a fatty and other names or shaming her into compliance.

 

A fat kid will at some point in his or her life be called fat. The kid will probably lable him/herself fat at some point. While it may be painful, it is also honest to confront weight or other issues in a straightforward manner.

[pqr]

we as a culture are overly concerned with self-esteem, but another great quality of Western culture, and American culture in particular, is our flexibility and adaptability.

 

 

Absolutely and that is our great strength.