S/O - If your adult children live at home...

[Amy loves Bud]

I'm reading the going away to college threads with interest. I kind of fall in the category of "why would an adult want to live with his parents." However, I know situations vary. In some areas the cost of living is prohibitive for a young person starting out. Some people are going to school locally and living at home to reduce costs.

 

My question:

 

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

[Joyofsixreboot]

I think we technically fall into this category. My 18 yo college freshman dd lives at home. She got a full scholarship for tuition but not for room and board so here she lives. She has an 80 mile round trip daily. She has three part time jobs to pay for her gas and school essentials. We don't charge her rent. She is more than willing to pitch in when she is home. She takes care of her own laundry. She would never dream of bringing opposite sex home. The kid is more conservative than I am. We ask if she's going to crash at a friend's and not come home to let us know so we don't worry. I try to pretend she is miles away and where I can't see her make goofs. I only give advice if asked!

[FaithManor]

Dd does not pay rent. It is just so expensive for kids starting out and she's trying to save money. We don't mind paying for her basics. She helps with housework, does her own laundry, doesn't date much and most of the time it's in a group - no boys to bring home to mom and dad, and she follows our moral standards. She would have to leave if she didn't. But, that hasn't been a problem because she's a very conservative, down-to-earth young adult.

 

She cooks some but a lot of times, that is for my parents. Mom is still working and she's diabetic but my dad eats a very vegetarian -scary low fat diet high carb diet...not good for a diabetic. So, twice per week, dd (a very creative cook) comes up with a meal for them that they love...otherwise, my mom who is already tired from work, will just cook whatever dad wants, eat that, and then have her sugar go too high, SIGH!

 

Dd is a serious student so she doesn't stay out late...she spends an awful lot of time studying for her medical classes which are quite rigorous. Some days it's hard to remember that she is here. She helps out a lot and sometimes, when I am working on algebra with ds #1, she will help ds#3 with his chemistry, or ds#2 with his English which is quite nice!

 

Once she has her paramedic license and is working full time, she will pay her car insurance and some of her groceries. But, we still won't charge rent because she wants to pay her way through nursing school and a Certified Nurse Midwife, Physician's Assistant, or possibly even medical school without debt. She's going to need every dollar she can scrape together. Thankfully, she is frugal with money.

 

Faith

[stephanier.1765]

I have 2 adult children at home to help them save for their future. They don't pay rent but they are expected to pay for any extra costs we incur because they are here. They are on our cell phone plan but they pay their share. They have cable in their room but they pay that expense. They pay for gas and if they run out to the grocery store to pick up a few things I need they pay for that as well. They wash their own clothes. They fix their own meals unless I've made something for the family. Of course, they buy anything personal...clothes, personal hygiene, shoes, etc. Girls do NOT stay here.

 

So except for them taking more financial responsibility for themselves (that started in high school when they started working), things haven't changed much. I enjoy having them here so as long as they are saving for their future I have no problem with how things stand.

[Parrothead]

Well, just as soon as we can manage it we will be living with my parents in a multi-generational household. We will be buying or building a house together with the idea that dd may eventually be living with us as an adult with her spouse.

 

The house will be conducive to multi-generation living. My parents will have their own suite of bedroom, sitting room and bath. Dh and I will have our own and dd will have hers. Dd may not end up with a sitting room area right away but the option to build will be available. So there every one has their own space.

 

The mortgage will be split two ways. If dd is with us through or after college she will have responsibilities but not monetary until she is working full time or married. What will happen at that point is she will become responsible for 1/3 of the mortgage if she is with us. Once the house is paid for there will be a need for funds for taxes, insurance, upkeep and heating. So we will all be putting money into the fund monthly. Not as much as a mortgage payment by any means. There are legal things that need to be taken care of that I can explain to you in a pm if you are interested.

 

At some point there will be 5-6 adults living in the house. I don't foresee a problem with someone being available to cook an evening meal once a week. Her laundry will be left up to her in the same manner that my laundry will be left to me. As an adult child living with my parents I'm not expecting my mom to wash my laundry either.

 

As for guests, alcohol and church - respect is going to go a long way. Being Irish Catholic alcohol consumption is not a problem from a moral/religious stand point. A strange man meeting me in the kitchen will be a problem.

[Mommyfaithe]

I have 2 adult children at home to help them save for their future. They don't pay rent but they are expected to pay for any extra costs we incur because they are here. They are on our cell phone plan but they pay their share. They have cable in their room but they pay that expense. They pay for gas and if they run out to the grocery store to pick up a few things I need they pay for that as well. They wash their own clothes. They fix their own meals unless I've made something for the family. Of course, they buy anything personal...clothes, personal hygiene, shoes, etc. Girls do NOT stay here.

 

So except for them taking more financial responsibility for themselves (that started in high school when they started working), things haven't changed much. I enjoy having them here so as long as they are saving for their future I have no problem with how things stand.

 

This is basically us too. We have 2 college students living home...1 part time/ one full-time. Ds's girlfirend lives 3 hours away, so she does come and stay here...but in separate rooms...she bunks with the girls and my boys share a room, so I would know if something funky were going on in my house...LOL.

 

Things are just so, so expensive, so I think it makes sense to have them home while they are in college. If they want to stay home afterward, I think we may insist that they have an exit plan...IOW, banking a certain amount each week in order to either buy a house of pay for a rental within a year or 2. I don't want any 35 year old bachelors living in the basement apartment...kwim?

 

Faithe

[T'smom]

Well, I was an adult child living at home! I went away to college (for education) but didn't find a job my first year out. I lived at home, subbing in elementary and middle schools- at first I helped out a lot at home, but then I got a job in the evenings too, so I was hardly ever home. I just helped as needed- if the dishwasher needed to be emptied, I emptied it. If the trash needed taking out, I did it. There were no 'assigned' chores. (At the time, my sis was in high school and my bro in middle school- we all just did what needed doing.) Of course I did my own laundry, paid for my own car, insurance, etc. They did not charge me rent. They basically stayed out of my business and we got along very well, MUCH better than we had when I was in high school. I was pretty depressed about not finding a 'real' job and being at home and my parents repeatedly made it very clear that they were thrilled to have me. They told me that they felt like they'd been given a gift spending an extra year with me. That helped.

 

My dh (before I knew him) went far away to grad school and came home for the summer. They charged rent, made lists of chores for him to do, and made him build a deck for them. I have no idea why he chose to go home for the summer.

 

His brother lived at home for a year after college and his parents did the same to him.

 

A little more than a year ago, dh got a job closer to his parents. He stayed with them during the week while I stayed at home and tried to sell the house. He still had to drive 1 1/2 to/from work, so he was only there from about 8 at night until 6 in the morning and not at all on weekends. His mom did the same thing with the rent/lists of chores/etc. He would go to the grocery store and get most of his own food, but she charged him for food too!

 

Now that I have kids, I can't imagine treating them that way- I won't do anything that enables them to make bad choices. If they are going to live with us, they can't do drugs or anything. But as long as they're reasonably responsible, respectful people they can live with us as long as they want.

[tex-mex]

If it helps, my Asperger's son will most likely be with us as a young adult. Hubby already made the decision to do like his folks did with him -- set a "rule" for paying a (low) rent -- son is on his own for his gas/insurance/ eating out/expenses. But room & board is from us. Call us if he is going to be late. No booze, drugs, or lady friends sleeping over. Mum is the word unless he asks us for help or advice.

 

I left my house at the age of 17 and never looked back. But, even in my own family -- culturally, many of my family members lived with parents 'til mid 20's or marriage. More so if you were a girl. ;) I was quite scandalous for being out on my own. The family's POV was to have you work (full time if you did not go to college) and set aside $$$ for a wedding or down payment on a future home. Which many of my cousins did and tho' we were all poor, this helped the next generation to get a foot in the door to middle class lifestyles. HTH

Edited December 7, 2010 by tex-mex

[Danestress]

He works full time while looking for a more long term work situation.

 

He does not pay rent. I don't want him to. This is a family, not an apartment. He lives here for free, but he also follows our rules.

 

Yes, he helps a lot - without really being asked. I do ask him to drive my carpools and that works out well because he would rather drive than vacuum:) I have several nights a week that I am picking kids up at 8:30 and it's a long trip, so it's worth gold to me to have someone drive that shift.

 

His room is a wreck, which I don't like.

 

We don't have a curfew or anything, but we have said that he either lives here or doesn't, but we are not a hotel or flop house, so there is no "crashing" at friends houses. I suspect he comes in at 3:00 am sometimes, lol. We haven't really ironed out a firm agreement on that.

 

He does have a serious girlfriend. She is always welcome here.

[tex-mex]

Well, just as soon as we can manage it we will be living with my parents in a multi-generational household. We will be buying or building a house together with the idea that dd may eventually be living with us as an adult with her spouse.

 

The house will be conducive to multi-generation living. My parents will have their own suite of bedroom, sitting room and bath. Dh and I will have our own and dd will have hers. Dd may not end up with a sitting room area right away but the option to build will be available. So there every one has their own space.

 

The mortgage will be split two ways. If dd is with us through or after college she will have responsibilities but not monetary until she is working full time or married. What will happen at that point is she will become responsible for 1/3 of the mortgage if she is with us. Once the house is paid for there will be a need for funds for taxes, insurance, upkeep and heating. So we will all be putting money into the fund monthly. Not as much as a mortgage payment by any means. There are legal things that need to be taken care of that I can explain to you in a pm if you are interested.

 

At some point there will be 5-6 adults living in the house. I don't foresee a problem with someone being available to cook an evening meal once a week. Her laundry will be left up to her in the same manner that my laundry will be left to me. As an adult child living with my parents I'm not expecting my mom to wash my laundry either.

 

As for guests, alcohol and church - respect is going to go a long way. Being Irish Catholic alcohol consumption is not a problem from a moral/religious stand point. A strange man meeting me in the kitchen will be a problem.

 

Not too long ago -- many households were multigenerational. My mother lived with her parents (at her grandma's home) -- it was a huge house. When my mom was a teen, her folks saved up enough $$ to move into their first home thanks to the generousity of her grandmother. My great-grandma then turned the large home into a B&B for railroad workers in a dusty West Texas town. It worked out fine.

[Liza Q]

My question:

 

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

 

Our oldest is 19yo and is a sophomore at a local LA college. Her commute is about an hour each way. She does not pay rent. She does pay part of her tuition (the part the scholarships and our contribution do not cover). She buys her own lunches out on school days (she is welcome to bring lunch each day and we will pay for the groceries...), her Metrocard for commuting and any social events -dinner/movie/shopping with friends. We buy her clothing up to a certain amount...and she has not come close to the amount yet! She worked before college part-time, but had a terrible time finding a job last summer and made very little before school began again. She is quite busy with school work (she has to keep up her gpa to stay in the honors program/keep her scholarships), sings in the choir and volunteers at a local hospital, so we have not pushed her to get a job during the semester.

 

She does not do much housework or cook during the semester. She helps me out in the kitchen in the evening when I need it and she cleans up after herself. This is the area that frustrates up both - she can be slobby and I hate to nag her. But she has to be thoughtful of the rest of us! She always apologizes and tries harder...and I apologize and try harder to speak less bossily. Over the summer and during school breaks she cooks a few nights a week and helps me out more often. She does her own laundry though I sometimes offer to do it if I have time.

 

She hasn't had a boyfriend yet and she is ok with that, so it hasn't yet been a problem. We would not allow an overnight guest...even if we were not morally opposed, she shares her room with her younger sisters! No alcohol because she is underage. When she is not, she can have a drink at home but no drunkenness here - she knows our standards. If it became a problem, she would have to move out.

 

She rarely comes to church - she likes to spend Sunday morning quiet and alone at home, as she can get more work done when we are not around. She misses it but we feel she is old enough to make her own decisions there. I don't' want to make church attendance an issue - she has to work out her own salvation. kwim?

 

We have family rules about TV/movies. She knows that she can watch whatever she chooses....just not in our home! We have a lights out/computers off at about 10pm policy. If she were studying or finishing up some schoolwork or even just wanted to veg out in front of the tv we would be flexible, but she would have to move into the living room so the younger ones can get to sleep. She rarely works past 10, because she needs to be up at 6 every morning and she needs her sleep. She plans her work in advance and has never needed to pull an allnighter or anything like that. This is really important because we live in an apartment and we all need our sleep! Texting/phone usage is not a problem at all. We pay for her phone and she rarely uses it. The reception at school is lousy and she turns it off when she gets home - she is not a text-y kind of person, I guess! Her friends know to call us at home if they need her.

 

You should know that she has some reasons that make her less likely to be in a hurry to move out. She has some OCD issues (mostly anxious thoughts, nothing that stops her from functioning well in public) and, even with therapy, she is not ready to deal with life on her own. And, even if she felt ready to deal with life on her own (or in a dorm!), she wants to keep her debt minimal to non-existent. She does not want to be the girl who has to move back home when she is older - she wants to be able to afford being on her own when she is ready!

 

Expectations are pretty basic - we are striving for mutual respect. We have a good relationship.

[katemary63]

My kids who have lived at home during college pitch in just like a normal member of the family, cleaning up after dinner, helping out with Sat. morning chores. Its not a rule. Just kind of obviously expected. If they're not home, then whatever, but if they aren't doing anything to help for awhile, I'll mention it. My DD19 currently does all the family laundry because I am disabled. I simply can't do it. I'm so glad she's here or I'd be up a creek.

 

We don't have curfews or rules much at all. People come and go at all hours here, you just never know. They watch movies all night long. They cook dinner at 2:00 a.m. Young people are weird. But what ever. It's fine with us. My son cooks in the middle of the night and then brings me a plate and wakes me up. I love it! My kids often wake me up in the middle of the night just to talk. They know I'm here, when ever.

 

Our house is tiny. Guests of the opposite sex are allowed everywhere, even in bedrooms since there is no other place to hang out but doors are usually open and people are all about. They wouldn't be rude enough (or gross enough- the quarters are so close!) to engage in any "behavior" in our home. DD19 is committed to abstinence untill marriage and we trust her 100%. Even our son, who is openly not a Christian and openly sexually active with his fiance, respects us enough to behave in our house. (Trust me, he'd tell us all about it if he didn't! LOL! And then we'd have to set some guidelines. ) And besides, if they are doing something secretly, it's their choice, their consequences etc. We're not the police anymore. We trust them, but also give it over to them, IYKWIM, so I don't worry about it. However, it's just obvious that overnight guests of the opposite sex would not sleep in the same room or bed.

 

We aren't a drinking family, but DS now drinks beer and as long as it's a can or two we don't care. He's of age. If he got drunk, I'm sure he wouldn't come home to face our disapproving scowls. He'd stay at a friends. DD doesn't drink. And again, we're not the police anymore. It's on them now. We're just here to love, support and be an example.

 

Basically, we expect them to pass their classes, be polite and respectful, help out some and not be idiots. If all that's happening, there is little oversight. If there were major problems in any of these areas, we'd have to draw some boundaries. We've got great adult kids. One graduated, one a senior and one a sophomore. None ever got into trouble - so far. I just think that once they are 18, you have to cut the strings even if they live at home still.

 

I would never ask for rent from a college student. We still provide for their autos, car insurance, health care, clothing etc. Why ask for rent? Working too much while in college just to afford rent for your parents could easily result in a lack of success academically. It's impossible to attend college AND work enough to pay all of your own expenses. Just not possible - not around here anyway. After college - fork it over!

Edited December 7, 2010 by katemary63

[Nestof3]

Our son saved up money throughout high school to pay for his entire college education. He stayed at home because it was frugal. All was fine until he met a woman five years older who can be viewed on the internet (if you know what I mean). She was dating someone when he started hanging out with her. He was hooked within a few days and dove in head first. She broke up with him. She says she has come back to Christ.

 

He began staying out late, never helped out around the house, began skipping class, I never saw him studying/doing school, texted her hours each day, etc. He came to a place where he did not want our input and refused to answer questions about their relationship.

 

He decided to move out. This all happened in less than two months. He wanted us to cosign an educational loan of $12,000 while he still had $15,000 in the bank. We told him we would see what his grades and lifestyle were like during the upcoming spring semester and consider cosigning in the fall. He goes to Officer Candidate School this summer, so he would earn some during the summer. This was unacceptable to him, so he went to my dad in a hush-hush fashion, and my dad agreed to cosign his loan.

 

He moved out last week.

 

He had been interested in a couple of nice girls over the last couple of years, and he was very excited to bring one of them home to introduce her. We really liked her.

 

He has never brought his current girlfriend home (though we did meet her for coffee once before we found out about her past), they are already physical (though I obviously do not know to what extent), and he's already telling her he loves her. I have warned him that she should get tested for STDs, but he considers that too uncomfortable to mention. She has had numerous partners.

 

PS -- He paid his cell phone and car insurance bills. We never charged rent. I did refuse to pay for his school lunches because he refused to help out at all. He considered unloading the dishwasher to be doing us a favor since it wasn't his house.

Edited December 7, 2010 by nestof3

[CLHCO]

That's a good question because with economic situations tightening, perhaps especially with rising college tuition and the difficulty some have with employment right now, such things will likely become more common. We all better consider how it may look.

 

I think (and my oldest are still just 16), I would like them here unless they have the means and a good reason to go elsewhere - or if they oppose the values of the house. (I do think that one ranks up there, especially when there are younger siblings.) If we are in basic agreement and they need to be here, I'm not only good with it, I'm great with it.

 

That said, I do think young adults should, to whatever extent is possible, have opportunity to live and learn responsibility. That doesn't mean they must pay rent, because in truth, I'm not either, I'm supported by my dh, but I am making contributions to the household and they will need to in some way at minimum. They have to learn to handle things like their own car insurance, cell phone bills, or anything that is not necessary for further education, and I want to know out of courtesy where they are going, but managing their time is something they will also need to do themselves.

 

That's the plan, anyway. Those who have adult children now can probably tell me that reality doesn't always look like our ideal plans. ;)

[Ellie]

We had just one thoughtful adult child living at home. We didn't require her to pay rent. She was responsible for her own laundry and expenses (insurance, car, clothing, etc.). If she was home when dinner was ready, she could eat with us; otherwise she took care of her own food (including cleaning up after herself). Boyfriends would have been allowed to visit, but not in her bedroom. :-o

[Unicorn.]

My oldest is only 14, but I kind of have the same opinion as KateMary63. Living at home while going to school is more affordable and cost effective. After college, if it helps them save for a down payment or helps them get on their feet- they can stay. Rent would not be charged, but they would be expected to help around the house....do their own laundry, and mine if needed. Clean up after themselves and help out in whatever way they can. After college, they would be expected to pay for car, insurance, etc. I will provide the room/some board. Visitors of the opposite sex at reasonable hours, and w/ doors open, etc. I would also want to know if they would be returning home at night- I am a worry-wort, and wouldn't sleep at all not knowing. Plus doors opening after I'm asleep, freak me out.

[QueenCat]

My question:

 

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

 

If in college, no rent, some chores, cooking if you want, guests of opposite can come over, but not spend the night in the same room, alcohol within reason if 21 (not there yet), go to church if not working. If they want to go to another church, with more young adult activities, then they are free to do so but elder ds has not done that yet.

[LibraryLover]

All of my kids already do their own laundry etc. I don't anticipate needing to establish any particular guidelines for my oldest dd. Modest alcohol intake in adults is not an issue for us. They can have their freinds over, we don't have curfews now because we've never needed to, and I wouldn't expect them to have any wild parties. They never have, so it's not something I've worried about. I still have one more teen to get through..so...don't quote me. LOL

Edited December 8, 2010 by LibraryLover

[IsabelC]

Our plans are:

 

Do they pay rent?

We'll financially support them as best we can until they stop full-time education or finish their first degree (or series of degrees*), whichever comes first. After that they would be expected to pay.

 

Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry?

That would be negotiable. If they just pay rent, they would do their own housekeeping: all their personal stuff plus as much communal stuff as I do. If they are wanting me to do laundry etc for them, they would have to pay a lot more board.

 

What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities?

Occasional guests of either sex would be fine. If my daughter wanted her boyfriend to live here with her full-time, that would be something separate to negotiate (which I can't see dh and I wanting, but who knows, it could possibly work). Alcohol, no problem. Drunkenness, problem. Religion, they can do what they like as long as it doesn't undermine their respect of other people in the house. All this because we're pretty liberal in outlook. But if I were a more conservative person, I wouldn't hesitate to lay down house rules such as no sleeping with partner under our roof.

 

Not being anywhere near having adult kids, we haven't figured out all the details yet. But our basic stance is, they are welcome to stay at home as long as they want, however they won't be able to use us as servants and free accommodation, and we will have the final say on any house rules that may be needed. I actually love the idea of extended families living together, but only if it can be managed as a respectful arrangement between adults, rather than the kids somehow failing to grow up or me failing to let go! And I wonder whether it might have a better chance of working if the kids move out for a while first, than come back if they really want to. I know some people loathe the idea of boomerang kids though!

 

 

(* I mean that if they need to do an undergrad degree followed by a post grad degree to get into a career, we'll try to accommodate that, but we wouldn't be up for funding three different undergrad degrees just because the kid wants to sponge off us by being a perpetual student.)

Edited December 8, 2010 by Hotdrink

[~Jo]

I guess we fall into this category....she is 20.

 

Last year my dd went to school. She drove over an hour each way. She left at 6:30 in the morning and didn't get home until 5:30 at night every weekday. When she was home she studied. There was no time for a job. Her job was to earn good grades (which she did - Cosmetology school - 99 average :001_smile: ).

 

During that year and until she had a job we paid all her expenses including her car, gas, and insurance. She had scholarships for most of her tuition but we paid for her supplies as she needed them.

 

Now she has a job...at a very good salon....but it is entry level...meaning no big bucks yet ;) She pays her car, insurance, gas, extra food wants (I buy groceries for the house - she is welcome to eat what we have), clothes, etc. I do the laundry...just because I am sooooo picky about it. I working on that. She does do a load here and there to help out. She will also take it upon herself to clean the whole house - top to bottom - as she has time and it needs it. The others do pitch in and help also. She is also working 6 days a week on average - so mainly the pitching in comes in on the days she actually does have Mondays off.

 

She does have a serious boyfriend. They are over here quite a bit. There is no sleeping over - and they wouldn't even consider it as it is not a part of their values.

 

Alcohol - we do not have anything against it except you must be of age and not get drunk. We do have a problem with drunk. :tongue_smilie:

 

Basically her values are the same as ours...we also respect each other. I do expect her to check in and let me know where she is...but I do the same to her and my husband. It is not a matter of keeping tabs on each but rather respectfully letting everyone know where the other is and making sure the family is taken care of (meaning the younger ones and home responsibilites.)

 

Our relationship is gradually turning from mother-daughter to friend-friend. We love being with each other but we also need our space. It works both ways.

 

Personally I hope she lives her until she gets married (and I see that happening in the next year or so). This way she can save $$ and help them off to a good start in their lives together...that is something that my dh and I didn't have. I wish it for my children.

[LibraryLover]

Our relationship is gradually turning from mother-daughter to friend-friend. We love being with each other but we also need our space. It works both ways.

.

 

 

So true! :001_smile: When my oldest was home for T'giving break, I was once again touched by his *friendship*. I felt so blessed and grateful to have this young man share his plans & ideas with me (us).

[Mom0012]

He works full time while looking for a more long term work situation.

 

He does not pay rent. I don't want him to. This is a family, not an apartment. He lives here for free, but he also follows our rules.

 

Yes, he helps a lot - without really being asked. I do ask him to drive my carpools and that works out well because he would rather drive than vacuum:) I have several nights a week that I am picking kids up at 8:30 and it's a long trip, so it's worth gold to me to have someone drive that shift.

 

His room is a wreck, which I don't like.

 

We don't have a curfew or anything, but we have said that he either lives here or doesn't, but we are not a hotel or flop house, so there is no "crashing" at friends houses. I suspect he comes in at 3:00 am sometimes, lol. We haven't really ironed out a firm agreement on that.He does have a serious girlfriend. She is always welcome here.

 

I am so glad to hear you say this. Once my sdd had her own wheels, she would tell us she was going to school and would be back that evening but then we wouldn't see her for days. Or, she'd head to her grandmother's for a night and then suddenly show up 4 days later. The words you used are the exact ones I used with her -- "This is not a hotel." I didn't expect a schedule set in stone, but I did expect some sort of regularity so I would know when she would be with us. Her boyfriend and girlfriends kept telling her she was an adult and didn't have to answer to anyone, that she could do whatever she wanted. To me, what I was asking was just a matter of common courtesy and also a safety issue. How were we to know she wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere?

 

Once she started spending time here more sporadically, I decided to drop her chores. It was too awkward to ask her to help out when she began to just drop in and out inconsistently. We never asked her to pay rent, but I would have liked her to continue to help out with the two chores she had always done -- dinner dishes and vacuuming once every week or two -- because those were really helpful to me. But, I've made that minor adjustment, she's moved out and I really think it's all for the best.

 

I'm not looking forward to going through this adjustment with my children either. I think it's just a very difficult time.

 

Lisa

[laughing lioness]

Rent: $225 a month which goes into household budget and towards gas for job and running around, insurance and phone (we pay insurance and phone). Our 20 yo is currently taking college classes on line and living at home. A car is always available.

Housework: Yes. Regular assigned chores- just like everyone else. Help with house re-build and regular seasonal jobs around acereage.

Cook: Yes, when they want to or as needed. All the kids like to cook so that's not an issue at all.

Laundry: If they want, or they can throw it into the family's laundry. 20 yo and I do laundry together anyway.

Rules for opposite sex: Both our 24 and 20 yo have their own standards of conduct which we are in total agreement with.

Alcohol: We drink very little at our house. We are fine with them having an occaisional drink once they are adults. Bringing in liquor would have to be something discussed with parameters established.

Religious activities: Their choice - though they are all committed to our faith. Family religious activities like Advent or Sukkut are participated in by whomever is here, unless otherwise arranged. Bible studies are at their discretion.

No curfew but they have to call at 10 if they'll be out later (we live way off the beaten path) just so that I can go to sleep in peace.

 

It's a challenge for this reason. Kids get ready to have their own place, their own sense of ownership and to live together as adults really requires a lot of talking and working it out. Once our kids are a certain age I expect them to take more initiative, but just recently my 20 yo and I had a problem cause she was basically "stuck" and I was frustrated that she wasn't moving forward. I basically told her what to do and she ended up really relieved. She just didn't know! So, constant communication about expectations- including monetary. Our kids are committed to college with no debt and we don't have much to give them $ wise so if living here is part of what it takes, we are fine with that.

[Night Elf]

Dd18 has decided to remain living at home. I do not charge rent, she's my daughter not a renter. She is still working on her high school diploma, but at her own pace. She works nearly full-time hours and pays for all of her personal expenses including gasoline, car insurance, cell phone, eating out, and personal items. She's on our cell phone plan and vehicle insurance policy. The car insurance would stop if she moved out because she would have to get her own policy and that is the #1 reason she can't move out. It's just too expensive! She is saving money though, so when the time comes, she'll have some money to fall back on.

 

We've never had specific chore lists for the kids. They just help out when they see something needs to be done and if not, it's my privilege to take care of them. Our norm for laundry is that DH and I put laundry into washer and dryer and each child takes and puts away his/her own laundry. They've been doing this since they were old enough to put a shirt in a drawer. Dd18 has always been helpful around the house even without our asking.

 

I just wish she stayed home more. Between work and friends, I barely see her!

 

Oh.. and she has no curfew. She's never given reason to need one. She's had guy friends stay over. As long as they are respectful of the family, we don't have a problem with it. We've never had any problems to alter our thinking. She's just respectful, courteous and polite. I'm a lucky mom!

Edited December 8, 2010 by Night Elf

[TXMary2]

My 19 yo ds lives at home right now and works full time. He had moved out for a few months, but just came back in October. He does not pay rent, but he does his own laundry, helps around the house and picks things up from the store when I need him to. He is at home saving for a new car and a new place to rent. He may possibly buy a starter house after he has a car, but we'll see.

[SonshineLearner]

Funny, with brain development being talked about... I think it's probably MORE proper for "adult" to be as before... at 21...

[MamaT]

Our 24yo son lived at home until he married in August. He moved out for 2 months when he was 21, but moved back home because he "missed everyone." He never paid rent, we wouldn't have let him. He worked full time and went to school. He was willing to do whatever I asked him to help out with when he was at home. He was very good about picking up siblings from their activities, going by the store for me, and things like that. He paid for his gas, cell phone, and insurance.

 

It would never have occurred to him to bring a girl over here to spend the night, even when he was engaged. It is just not in keeping with our values or his.

 

I don't have a problem with him having a drink while he is out, but I wouldn't want him to bring alcohol into the house. He very rarely drinks, and never to excess.

 

He did not have a curfew, but always called us to let us know if he was going to be especially late out of courtesy.

 

He is a wonderful young man and I am so glad he stayed here until he married. I wouldn't trade those adult years of getting to know him as a man for anything.

[Onceuponatime]

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

 

When my daughter and her newborn lived with us, she paid me childcare while she worked full time. At first she didn't pay room and board. However, after I realized no amount of cajoling would get her to pick up after herself, I charged her $100 a month extra for room and board. She was ok with it.

 

We tell our children that if they live at home, they don't have to pay room and board as long as they are getting an education, but they have to buy their own clothes after high school graduation. Once they have a full time jobs, if they live at home, they will pay room and board.

 

Alcohol is not an issue, it never comes into our house and they know it. If they want to eat something different than the rest of us, they buy it themselves. They do their own laundry. They are expected to pick up after themselves. No members of the opposite sex allowed in bedrooms with the door shut, or when we are not home. We are happy if they come to religious services once a week, there is no pressure to do more than that.

 

My two grown kids have never argued about these rules; I'm assuming it's because we started telling them about them long before it was necessary. One moved out 3 years ago, the other is still half at home. We will have a new graduate this spring. Whew!

[Wheres Toto]

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

 

My 16 year old will probably be living with us for the first year or so of college unless she manages to get so much financial aid that tuition and room/board are covered (unlikely given dh's salary). We are building a new house and she will have a bedroom with 1/2 bath in the finished basement where playroom/schoolroom will also be.

 

She already does her own laundry and cleans her own room. She will be expected to let us know if she will be home for dinner and if not, she will cook her own (even if that means heating up leftovers, which she does now due to her dance schedule). She will be expected to clean up after herself (put dishes in the dishwasher, etc.) I'm sure I'll rope her into babysitting whenever I can. ;)

 

She will not pay rent as long as she is in school full time but will be expected to buy her own car and gas, and contribute to car insurance (on our plan since the difference in price is huge).

 

Drinking is not a problem but no drunken parties.

No curfew but I will expect a text if she won't be coming home.

[Tarreymere]

DSD26 and DD24 lived with us for a while as adults. They weren't sure what they wanted as adults and they both worked full time as they tried to figure it out. We did not charge them rent as they were supposed to be saving up to get a place together. Alcohol and opposite sex guests were not an issue. Chores were an issue, niether felt they were obligated to help out at home anymore. Niether had a car but felt entitled to pick up my keys and drive off at any time. Plus they were slobs. After a year of spending every penny they made on eating out and clothes and stupid things, we gave them a thirty day notice. They managed just fine. One went to nursing school and is married, the other joined the Army and is married.

 

DSD24 had a newborn. She worked full time and saved up her money. The only annoying thing about her was that she refused to get a drivers license for some odd reason and when she moved out she got a place out of town (we are rural) so she needed a ride everywhere. She was also the biggest slob. She moved out before we really thought she should have. She is married now with two kids.

 

DSS21 never really actually lived with us. We found out later that he was living with various friends while telling his mom he was with us and telling us he was with his mom. He had a blast. He is married now too, with two kids and a full time job.

 

DD23 is my criminal mastermind. At age 18, after being extradited from another state following her dramatic escape from sheriff's deputies at the courthouse prior to one of her hearings, she was released from custody to my house on house arrest. HAH! As if I was going to have this incorrigable kid lounging around on my couch eating nachos. I told juvenile probation very politely that she was now 18 and I was no longer obligated to house her. They threatened to put ME in jail, and I suggested they send me on house arrest to my dad's house. It was an epic battle. Some well meaning but stupid social worker argued that she had no job and no where to go. I replied that she seemed to thrive in the wild quite well since she spent most of her teen years on the run. Anyway, I got her a full time job and paid first month's rent and security deposit on an apartment. Within two weeks she was fired and evicted. Her eventful life has continued pretty much the same, only now she has two kids. We get to do foster care when she goes to jail.

 

DS19 still lives at home. He is a slob now too, but an agreeable one. He helps out with chores very willingly. He does his own laundry. He has bought cords of wood for our wood stove and helped out with bills. We don't charge him rent. He always lets us know where he is going and when he'll be back. No issues with girls or alcohol. I'm not sure if he will be able to get out on his own. He is a bit slow. He has taken the written test for a driver's permit numerous times and he can't seem to pass it (oddly he was on the honor roll in regular classes at our local high school, yet another reason to homeschool). He has a prosthetic leg and a partial arm and other orthopedic problems that are getting to be more of an issue as he gets older.

 

DS14 is either going into the Air Force immediately or going to college first so he can be a pilot. He is already flying planes with the Civil Air Patrol but we can't afford for him to get his pilot's license now.

[FaithManor]

Rainefox, How on earth could they force you to house an 18 year old much less pay first month's rent somewhere else? I don't get it....18 is adult. There is no law I know of on the books that requires parents to provide past the age of 18. Now, maybe, if they've been living at home after the age of 18 there is some sort of "renter", "squatter" law that requires the parent to issue a 30 day eviction notice. But, she was incarcerate! That's sort of "abandonment of one's domicile.

 

Wow, it's amazing what DA's and social workers will threaten but it's hard for me to imagine they had a legal leg to stand on...did they? Does your state specify that parent's must house kids past the age of 18?

 

Faith

[Puma Mom]

My oldest has been at home since May. He stayed out a semester to work and earn some money to go back to college.

 

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? I expect him to act as though he is living in someone else's house--respectful, helpful, appreciative, considerate. Ds20 is actually way easier to live with at 20 than he was at 14. I enjoy having him around right now.

 

Do they pay rent? Not currently, but if he were to live with us after graduation he would.

 

Do housework? Whenever asked, but we don't ask much.

 

Cook? When I don't make dinner, he's makes his own.

 

Do their own laundry? Since he was 10ish, so yes.

 

What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Not an issue now, but we'd talk about what we were okay with.

 

Consumption of alcohol? Not an issue.

 

Involvement in your family's religious activities? He'd go to church if we all stayed home, so not an issue.

 

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

[AnitaMcC]

My question:

 

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

 

 

We have a 30 yr old nephew and a 21 yr old nephew living with us. 30yr old is pretty responsible and helps out plenty when he can. He works hard at a rail yard from 9pm to 6am. His brother is a pain in the butt!!! Much of the rules we have is because of younger nephew.

 

-Once graduated from high school and 18yrs old.. either attend college full time or work full time (if possible) or work and school part time. If attend school full time then no rent. Otherwise pay a small amount for rent that mainly helps with their food and utility expenses.

 

-They must help around the house as a family member as needed. 30yr old nephew doesn't do any chores but he helps out with major stuff occassionally (yard work, pool care, minor auto repairs, help with car rides for younger kids).

-They must be respectful of others in the house.

-They must clean up after themselves. Their bedrooms are their domain... I just put my foot down when it gets smelly or it is disgusting.

-They must do their own laundry once they are 18 yrs old. Before age 18... if they don't like how I do their laundry then they are on their own (they do it with help/supervision until they learn, and all my kids learn doing laundry when they are 12, they usually "help" from a very young age-LOL).

-They pay their own expenses (car, gas, insurance, cell phone, personal care items, clothes).

-There is no drinking alcohol or smoking under the legal age. No breaking the laws.

-If legal age... No DUI!!!!!!!! The adult child is to call us if needed and we will drive them to a hotel (they pay for it)... but it better not become a habit. There is no coming home drunk.

-No smoking in the house period!!

-Once our children are 16 we do not require them to attend mass when I go, but everyone living in our house must adhere to our religious traditions. We are Catholic, so during Lent there is absolutely no eating or cooking any meat on Fridays in our house. Anyone who wants meat on Fridays during Lent can go out somewhere else to eat it and they pay for it themselves.

-Opposite sex friends are not allowed in bedrooms with doors closed. If they are staying over night and they must share a room with same sex roommate or they get a room to themselves (if we can arrange it).

-No offensive clothing allowed to be worn in my house, around me, or around minor children in my house/care. Even my 30 yr old nephew who does live with us abides by this rule (he often will wear shirts inside out until he leaves the house).

-If they are not going to be home at a reasonable hour (by midnight on school/work nights) or will be gone for a few days... they are to let us know. We do not need details... just need to know when we should expect them to be home (we safety lock the doors once we go to bed so house key won't get them in).

 

This is about it for our rules. There are more I am sure but mostly these are the main ones.

Edited December 9, 2010 by AnitaMcC

[Renthead Mommy]

The "this is not a hotel" type comments surprised me because so many people I know basically lived in a 'hotel'.

 

As a junior, I transfered colleges, moved home and commuted because it was cheaper and I could make more money working my summer job all year than my work options near my old college.

 

Basically the house was my hotel. I got up, went to school and went to work. I did my own laundry. I'd cook my own meals. I wasn't around when they ate anyway. So yes, it was like a hotel. I hung out in my room when I was home, and most of my waking hours then, everyone else was asleep. I didn't pay rent. I payed for my own car, insurance, clothes, health insurance, school and anything else. I basically had my own life and occassionally ran across the other people living in the house.

 

I never really had chores. I cleaned up after myself, cleaned the bathroom when it needed it, emptied the dishwasher if I came across it needing it, and I had time.

 

Things were basically the same with many people I knew. My boyfriend also lived at home. He had a the third floor, so it was basically an inhouse apartment, just no full kitchen. We did have a mini fridge.

 

We didn't sleep over each other's houses when our parents were there, only when they'd go out of town. But it's not like they didn't know it. We also didn't have parties when they were home, only when they were out of town. We might have a few people over, but at my house, my room was right next to my mom's, so we had to be super quite or hang in the basement. His was less of an issue, you just had to be quite going down the stairs.

 

We both worked in resturants. We didn't finish work until midnight to 1 or later. By the time we got out, hit a dinner for something to eat, we may not get home till 2 or later. We lived a totally different shift than everyone else in our houses.

 

So yes, home was like a hotel, but we weren't asking for special treatment (have our laundry done or meals cooked) we were just being treated like adults who had lives that ran opposite from everyone else who often sleep in that house. Asking more of me in time, set 'chores' or curfews or rent would have seriously impacted my life. And not in a way of Oh poor me, I don't have time to party or I can't go shopping because I have to pay rent. But in a "if I pay you rent, I can't afford books. If I alter my hours I can't afford school". By that point I was paying for all of school, which was a choice I made to do. My mom was paying a large portion for my first year, and I took on more and more of it the next year so the money didn't have to come from her husband.

[JennyD]

My kids who have lived at home during college pitch in just like a normal member of the family, cleaning up after dinner, helping out with Sat. morning chores. Its not a rule. Just kind of obviously expected. If they're not home, then whatever, but if they aren't doing anything to help for awhile, I'll mention it. My DD19 currently does all the family laundry because I am disabled. I simply can't do it. I'm so glad she's here or I'd be up a creek.

 

We don't have curfews or rules much at all. People come and go at all hours here, you just never know. They watch movies all night long. They cook dinner at 2:00 a.m. Young people are weird. But what ever. It's fine with us. My son cooks in the middle of the night and then brings me a plate and wakes me up. I love it! My kids often wake me up in the middle of the night just to talk. They know I'm here, when ever.

 

Our house is tiny. Guests of the opposite sex are allowed everywhere, even in bedrooms since there is no other place to hang out but doors are usually open and people are all about. They wouldn't be rude enough (or gross enough- the quarters are so close!) to engage in any "behavior" in our home. DD19 is committed to abstinence untill marriage and we trust her 100%. Even our son, who is openly not a Christian and openly sexually active with his fiance, respects us enough to behave in our house. (Trust me, he'd tell us all about it if he didn't! LOL! And then we'd have to set some guidelines. ) And besides, if they are doing something secretly, it's their choice, their consequences etc. We're not the police anymore. We trust them, but also give it over to them, IYKWIM, so I don't worry about it. However, it's just obvious that overnight guests of the opposite sex would not sleep in the same room or bed.

 

We aren't a drinking family, but DS now drinks beer and as long as it's a can or two we don't care. He's of age. If he got drunk, I'm sure he wouldn't come home to face our disapproving scowls. He'd stay at a friends. DD doesn't drink. And again, we're not the police anymore. It's on them now. We're just here to love, support and be an example.

 

Basically, we expect them to pass their classes, be polite and respectful, help out some and not be idiots. If all that's happening, there is little oversight. If there were major problems in any of these areas, we'd have to draw some boundaries. We've got great adult kids. One graduated, one a senior and one a sophomore. None ever got into trouble - so far. I just think that once they are 18, you have to cut the strings even if they live at home still.

 

I would never ask for rent from a college student. We still provide for their autos, car insurance, health care, clothing etc. Why ask for rent? Working too much while in college just to afford rent for your parents could easily result in a lack of success academically. It's impossible to attend college AND work enough to pay all of your own expenses. Just not possible - not around here anyway. After college - fork it over!

 

This is such a wonderful post, and you sound like such a happy and loving mom. No wonder your children wake you up to chat.

 

My children are still young, but I am filing away your perspective for future reference.

[Garga]

I actually love the idea of extended families living together, but only if it can be managed as a respectful arrangement between adults, rather than the kids somehow failing to grow up or me failing to let go!

 

 

My dh lived at home until he married me. He was 24 when we got married. However, I used to say that he was 24 going on 54. He's always been more mature than his age. When he lived at home, he was an adult who pulled his own weight in the household. He did his laundry, kept his room tidy, did chores as he saw that they needed doing, cooked meals. I don't remember if they charged rent.

 

Whole 'nuther story when his brother moved back in with his parents. His brother acted like a rebellious teenager, even though he was a grown man (over 21.) He let his room be filthy, talked snotty to his parents, didn't help out, wanted to paint the walls of his room black (with no offer to paint them back to a color his mother could handle when he left.) He was just miserable to live with and his mom couldn't wait for him to leave.

 

I guess it depends on the person as to whether it would work or not.

[Quiver0f10]

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

 

Our three oldedst still live at home. Our agreement was that they could live here rent free as long as they are fulltime college students. They pay their own gas, car insurance, cell phones and buy any special type foods they want ie: junk food lol. None of them are on the chore list now but they pitch in when needed. My oldest Dd does her own laundry but the boys just toss theirs in with ours.

 

Our house rules are the same whether you are 2 or 22 or 52 :D: no guests of the opposite sex overnight, and even during daytime hours they wouldnt be allowed in a bedroom alone. No alcohol here. If they choose to have a drink while out that's their choice, but I don't want it here and I asked them to not come home drunk ( of course they know we would come get them anytime, anywhere without question).

 

As far as church, they don't have to attend our church but they are expected to be at a christian church on a regular basis.

Edited December 9, 2010 by Quiver0f10

[Night Elf]

So yes, home was like a hotel, but we weren't asking for special treatment (have our laundry done or meals cooked) we were just being treated like adults who had lives that ran opposite from everyone else who often sleep in that house.

 

See, this is why I say it's 'home'. Being on a different schedule and doing things differently doesn't mean the person isn't living in the house like family. Just MHO.

[Peela]

My question:

 

What expectations do you have for these adults living at home? Do they pay rent? Do housework? Cook? Do their own laundry? What about rules for guests of the opposite sex? Consumption of alcohol? Involvement in your family's religious activities? Etc.

 

Just curious, thanks for your responses!

 

Well my teenagers are obviously still living at home and have been doing housework, their own laundry and some cooking for a long time, so I cant see that changing.

Whether they pay rent or not in years to come is still to be seen. If they are earning decent money, yes they would contribute. If they are very poor students, probably not, if we can afford to support them and they are studying hard.

We are a no alcohol home- they woudl not be allowed to drink alcohol here.

The kids are not involved in our religious activities.

Guests of the opposite sex....at some stage (not sure when), that will be up to them and if we are living in a home where there is enough space, as we do now, they will be allowed to have lovers...if that feels right at the time. We would not appreciate casual affairs but a serious relationship...there will be a time that that will be ok with us (otherwise we would be complete hypocrites) and we will make the guest feel welcome.