Crying boys?

[Cricket]

Last night at my son's baseball game, one of the boys struck out. He didn't swing at the last pitch and the umpire called it a strike. He, of course, thought it was a ball. He's a very upbeat kid but when he came back to the dugout he started crying. These are 11- and 12-year-old boys. So for the next five minutes or so the coach was trying to console him and the other boys were patting him on the back saying things like "You are so much better than one pitch." :confused: Where did that come from? I certainly hope this kid's entire view of himself isn't tied to one pitch.

 

When my dh (an assistant coach) saw what was going on, he went over to the kid and pretty much told him to man up and get over it. He basically said that it was all on him that he struck out, stop blaming the umpire, when you have two strikes on you if it is close you have to swing, it's as simple as that, get over it and do it differently next time. That's finally when the kid stopped crying.

 

I guess it was so weird to me to see this kid cry over this. He hasn't been the only one either. A few of the boys have cried over striking out or getting out. It's almost like kids today are trying to find reasons to be emotional and dramatic. Maybe I'm the weird one for thinking this is strange?

 

FOR CLARIFICATION: I've just spent two years of my oldest having the occasional emotional break down over math. We dealt with it. I'm not anti-crying. In this case, I honestly don't believe this kid was truly upset. He wasn't embarrassed at all for crying. He didn't lose it and break down. Given the situation and how this kid generally behaves, it was really seemed more like an emotional game of some kind. It appeared that it was more a created dramatic moment rather than a genuine response. Some of the boys get up there and don't swing at all. Then they stomp back to the dugout, hitting their bat on the ground and have this overblown emotional response to what happened. It's like they only care about the dramatics of a big event. They are kids so maybe they are just trying out these things but to me it seems weird. Maybe the legacy of reality TV where everything is such ahuge deal when in real life, no, it isn't.

Edited October 20, 2010 by Cricket

[In The Great White North]

It's not just boys.

 

Kids are so used to getting a medal or trophy for just showing up that they expect to automatically be able to win, just because they were there. They expect to be experts immediately, without the years of hard work. We see this at swimming a lot. They swim in their very first meet, barely finish the race, and are upset because they didn't get a ribbon.

 

And the parents expect them to get a ribbon too.

[myfunnybunch]

I think crying is a normal reaction to disappointment or frustration, even in boys.

 

I think it's great that his friends tried to encourage him instead of making fun of him.

 

I also think it's appropriate for an adult to say (in essence) "Enough already, time to move on."

 

The difference between a normal reaction and drama, imo, is whether or not the kid...person of any age, for that matter...is trying to stop on their own or gets sucked into all of the attention, and trying to figure out which it is in any given instance probably started about 5 minutes after the invention of crying.

 

Cat

[stripe]

But if kids are supposed to get a participation medal / cup, and there's a graduation at the end of each year of school, is it really surprising that the idea of "failure" is so devastating?

[FriedClams]

I'm with your DH.

 

I am a mom, but I am also a former military officer, so I am a little, well, rigid. :tongue_smilie:

 

Crying is fine when you are bleeding and really hurt. I mean - real physical pain. No scrapes or missing scabs. HURT.

 

It's also fine when you are home, in your room, with the door shut to cry about baseball. Or a boy. Or other inconsequential stuff. Cry there about anything you want.

 

But there is a time and a place - and by about 10 most kids should not have such a lack of emotional self control. At that age - it's time to bite your lip, suck it in, and move on.

 

To me - it's really all about self control and selfishness. I think it's really selfish at 11 to be more worried about what happened to you than to buck up and focus on cheering on your next teammate or getting on the field and playing good defense.

 

But again. I am not a normal mom. :)

[juelle]

Baseball is a game of failure. There are valuable lessons to be learned therein. At least that though comforts me during the 100's of hours I spend cheering my kids on. We're a baseball family.

 

There is no crying in baseball. Can't you just hear Tom Hanks shouting that?

 

I think it's important for kids to learn to deal with failure. To learn that failure is going to happen. To learn to go on. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to go comfort my oldest with even a few words at times. Dh gave me very strong guidance that moms are not welcome in the dugout.

 

Ds15 got thrown out of a game this spring. He had made a play that was legal in one of the leagues he plays on, but not in the one which oversaw this particular game. Ds was devastated. He knew the team needed him. He cried. In a manly way, face in hands.:001_smile: For a minute or two. Then he cheered on his teammates for the rest of the game.

 

Life hurts. And then you go out for the next inning.

[Lolly]

I'm with your DH.

 

I am a mom, but I am also a former military officer, so I am a little, well, rigid. :tongue_smilie:

 

Crying is fine when you are bleeding and really hurt. I mean - real physical pain. No scrapes or missing scabs. HURT.

 

It's also fine when you are home, in your room, with the door shut to cry about baseball. Or a boy. Or other inconsequential stuff. Cry there about anything you want.

 

But there is a time and a place - and by about 10 most kids should not have such a lack of emotional self control. At that age - it's time to bite your lip, suck it in, and move on.

 

To me - it's really all about self control and selfishness. I think it's really selfish at 11 to be more worried about what happened to you than to buck up and focus on cheering on your next teammate or getting on the field and playing good defense.

 

But again. I am not a normal mom. :)

 

:lol:My dc were watching Sesame Street when they were little. I believe Elmo was singing something about "It's alright to cry." I turned the tv off and told my dc that it was NOT alright to cry. They are allowed to cry when they are bleeding or seriously hurt. So sorry, Elmo. I don't have time for 4 kids to be bawling every time they feel slighted.

 

Man up. Girls too.

 

I am not military, but I am not a normal mom either.:lol:

[Cricket]

I'm sure he wanted to hit the ball but the sense I got was that he was crying for dramatic effect more than anything else. I think that is what was strange to me. I've watched professional baseball and seen how devastated some of those players are after losing a close championship game. I always feel so bad for them! But this just seemed over the top compared with what had happened. Because, honestly, this kid isn't all that serious when it comes to playing.

[Sputterduck]

:lol:My dc were watching Sesame Street when they were little. I believe Elmo was singing something about "It's alright to cry." I turned the tv off and told my dc that it was NOT alright to cry. They are allowed to cry when they are bleeding or seriously hurt. So sorry, Elmo. I don't have time for 4 kids to be bawling every time they feel slighted.

 

Man up. Girls too.

 

I am not military, but I am not a normal mom either.:lol:

 

Seriously? It *is* okay to cry.

 

It is not okay to make a big deal out of a small one, or make scene in public.

 

Crying is normal and healthy in the right circumstances.

[Lolly]

Seriously? It *is* okay to cry.

 

It is not okay to make a big deal out of a small one, or make scene in public.

 

Crying is normal and healthy in the right circumstances.

 

Nah, Elmo thought it was okay to cry whenever and where ever you felt like it.

 

Not at my house.

[In The Great White North]

I'm with your DH.

 

I am a mom, but I am also a former military officer, so I am a little, well, rigid. :tongue_smilie:

 

Crying is fine when you are bleeding and really hurt. I mean - real physical pain. No scrapes or missing scabs. HURT.

 

It's also fine when you are home, in your room, with the door shut to cry about baseball. Or a boy. Or other inconsequential stuff. Cry there about anything you want.

 

But there is a time and a place - and by about 10 most kids should not have such a lack of emotional self control. At that age - it's time to bite your lip, suck it in, and move on.

 

To me - it's really all about self control and selfishness. I think it's really selfish at 11 to be more worried about what happened to you than to buck up and focus on cheering on your next teammate or getting on the field and playing good defense.

 

But again. I am not a normal mom. :)

 

:iagree:

[Catwoman]

When my dh (an assistant coach) saw what was going on, he went over to the kid and pretty much told him to man up and get over it. He basically said that it was all on him that he struck out, stop blaming the umpire, when you have two strikes on you if it is close you have to swing, it's as simple as that, get over it and do it differently next time. That's finally when the kid stopped crying.

 

I think your dh was mean, and his comments were uncalled-for. The other kids were doing something nice, trying to console their teammate, and somehow you see that as a bad thing? How is kindness a bad thing?

 

I'm not saying that I think most 11 or 12 year-old boys should cry because they strike out once in baseball, but I also don't think it's a coach's place to tell them to "man up" if they do. Maybe the poor kid was already upset about something else, and striking out was just the last straw for him. Whatever the case, apparently his teammates didn't treat him like a baby for it, but your dh certainly did.

 

Crying is not such a terrible thing.

 

Cat

Edited October 19, 2010 by Catwoman

[melissel]

I think crying is a normal reaction to disappointment or frustration, even in boys.

 

I think it's great that his friends tried to encourage him instead of making fun of him.

 

I also think it's appropriate for an adult to say (in essence) "Enough already, time to move on."

 

The difference between a normal reaction and drama, imo, is whether or not the kid...person of any age, for that matter...is trying to stop on their own or gets sucked into all of the attention, and trying to figure out which it is in any given instance probably started about 5 minutes after the invention of crying.

 

Cat

 

I agree. I also think it's incredibly shocking that anyone here would tell children that it's not OK to cry! I don't think teaching our kids to stuff their "inappropriate" emotions is healthy for anyone. I'm an adult and I still cry occasionally. For pete's sake, it's a human response to stress!

[Jann in TX]

Just like some girls get moody and 'mean', some boys get 'soft' (wear emotions on sleeve) during puberty.

 

I hate the 'suck it up' comments... but after having a child with a hormone imbalance caused by puberty--I'm pretty sensitive about this issue.

 

Crying is one way for our bodies to release tension and endorphins... it is perfectly FINE!

 

I LOVE the fact that my DH is man enough to cry during sad movies (or wedding scenes!).

 

Sure baseball is just a game and even the best players strike out...

[Sputterduck]

Nah, Elmo thought it was okay to cry whenever and where ever you felt like it.

 

Not at my house.

 

Ok. I can see that being a bad message.

 

My son cried the other day. His new friend was picking on him just to hurt him. I do have adult confirmation concerning what the other child did to mine. My son did not cry in front of his friend, but when he came home, he told me what happened and he did cry. He had never seen behavior like that before, and he was truly hurt. It all welled up inside him and then came out in tears. I held him and explained that sometimes people are not very nice. I told him to remember the feeling if he ever wants to be mean to someone. He's only six. I was okay for him to cry there, when sharing something painful that happened to him with his mother.

 

I do not tolerate crying for attention or over little things. Rather painful emotions are okay (and even important) to express in my book. I'd hate to raise one of those men who are so unaware of their emotions that their marriage suffers. Those are sad situations.

[NanceXToo]

Sorry, I hate the term "man up". The boy isn't a man. It was important to him. It would be hard to get through life if one fell apart over every disappointment, but I don't think this one episode means that is the case. And how does one know if the boy doesn't have some sort of emotional problems? Ya never really know what his story is.

 

Why is it the end of the world that the kid cried? Who knows at that moment what was really going on. Maybe he just had a bad day and one disappointment happened after another and that was the last straw.

 

:iagree:

[NanceXToo]

I think your dh was mean, and his comments were uncalled-for. The other kids were doing something nice, trying to console their teammate, and somehow you see that as a bad thing? How is kindness a bad thing?

 

Crying is not such a terrible thing.

 

Cat

 

:iagree: With that, too!

[ZeldaRules]

Last night at my son's baseball game, one of the boys struck out. He didn't swing at the last pitch and the umpire called it a strike. He, of course, thought it was a ball. He's a very upbeat kid but when he came back to the dugout he started crying. These are 11- and 12-year-old boys. So for the next five minutes or so the coach was trying to console him and the other boys were patting him on the back saying things like "You are so much better than one pitch." :confused: Where did that come from? I certainly hope this kid's entire view of himself isn't tied to one pitch.

 

When my dh (an assistant coach) saw what was going on, he went over to the kid and pretty much told him to man up and get over it. He basically said that it was all on him that he struck out, stop blaming the umpire, when you have two strikes on you if it is close you have to swing, it's as simple as that, get over it and do it differently next time. That's finally when the kid stopped crying.

 

I guess it was so weird to me to see this kid cry over this. He hasn't been the only one either. A few of the boys have cried over striking out or getting out. It's almost like kids today are trying to find reasons to be emotional and dramatic. Maybe I'm the weird one for thinking this is strange?

 

It is one thing for the father of the crying child to say what your DH said, but another for a coach. That just isn't cool at all. What would have been a good thing to do is maybe say, "hey, if you want to cry because you are upset, please go over to XYZ by yourself and when you are done crying, come back." It's giving the child a time out and gives him time to be upset and he isn't being around the others to milk it and cause more drama. A person's emotions are THEIR emotions. You can't tell them to stop feeling that way. He struck out and disappointed himself and probably felt as if he disappointed his team and probably his parents - that is a lot on a child's shoulders. He will learn to deal with it the more he plays.

 

I believe in tough love, but you have to be careful with your words. "Man up and get over it" aren't words I would want any coach to repeat to my child. The other stuff he said was okay.

[Cricket]

I think your dh was mean, and his comments were uncalled-for. The other kids were doing something nice, trying to console their teammate, and somehow you see that as a bad thing? How is kindness a bad thing?

 

I'm not saying that I think most 11 or 12 year-old boys should cry because they struck out once in baseball, but I also don't think it's a coach's place to tell them to "man up" if they do.

 

Cat

 

My dh didn't yell at him or make fun of him. He said it all matter-of-factly. The fact was that it wasn't the umpire's fault he struck out. You can't blame someone else if you don't swing. The correct thing to do with two strikes is to swing. It was nice to see the other boys trying to do what they could and not teasing him. I just think they were going about it the wrong way. I think they were turning it into a much bigger deal than it was. Everyone has struck out. Let's learn something and move on. Isn't that a healthier attitude than dwelling on how you failed and beating yourself up over it? I'm a crier and I tend to make things into bigger deals than I should. It is nice when someone comes along and helps to put it into perspective.

[Mama Geek]

Crying is often times viewed as a sign of weakness especially among guys. Having worked in a field that is mostly men, I would have been eaten alive had I cried b/c of something happening at work. Kids are in training and I think what the dh did was a good thing.

[Barry Goldwater]

So much here to talk about...

 

Crying can happen because of sadness, disappointment, frustration, rage (my specialty as a kid - DW doesn't even know that - sshhhh!), stress, anxiety, happiness/exhiliration, surprise, I'm sure there's more...both boys and girls have these emotions.

 

Crying can be a healthy stress release, particularly after a 'tense' round at the plate.

 

Boys go soft? I've seen a 9 yr old boy cry for being relentlessly teased, just before giving the bully a royal snotty bloody nose (richly deserved, mind you)...he didn't look too soft to me...

 

I've seen countless posts here that included declarations of 'I'm crying as I type...'

 

I've coached sports teams where frustration in a kid built to the point of crying, requiring me to 'pull' the player till he could calm down and get his head back in the game...he wasn't whining, weeping, or complaining...he was a kid, and the situation got a little overwhelming. I think that is normal...

 

Just putting it out there, FWIW, there's nothing wrong with crying...whining, on the other hand...

[Catherine]

While I agree that encouraging dramatics is wrong, and likely to lead to mischief, it doesn't sound like that was the case here, from the OP's description. Nor do I think that toughness is necessarily encouraged by pointing out a child's frailties. Sure, telling someone they are a baby is going to get them to stop crying. I'd wish for the husband who was loved, trusted, and inspired loyalty and hard work in his team, and honestly, I don't think a man who publicly urged someone to "man up" would be likely to do that. In fact, I have clear memories of the rage I felt when my mom told me to quit being a baby. And that wasn't even in a public place.

[Catwoman]

My dh didn't yell at him or make fun of him. He said it all matter-of-factly. The fact was that it wasn't the umpire's fault he struck out. You can't blame someone else if you don't swing. The correct thing to do with two strikes is to swing. It was nice to see the other boys trying to do what they could and not teasing him. I just think they were going about it the wrong way. I think they were turning it into a much bigger deal than it was. Everyone has struck out. Let's learn something and move on. Isn't that a healthier attitude than dwelling on how you failed and beating yourself up over it? I'm a crier and I tend to make things into bigger deals than I should. It is nice when someone comes along and helps to put it into perspective.

 

I don't think he should have said it at all, matter-of-factly or not. The kid was clearly upset; his teammates were consoling him, and your dh had no good reason to embarrass the poor kid in front of his teammates. And telling someone to "man up" could hardly be construed as a positive or healthy comment. I know you want to defend your dh, but however he said what he said, I think he was wrong and out-of-line.

 

Cat

Edited October 19, 2010 by Catwoman

[NanceXToo]

My dh didn't yell at him or make fun of him. He said it all matter-of-factly. The fact was that it wasn't the umpire's fault he struck out. You can't blame someone else if you don't swing. The correct thing to do with two strikes is to swing. It was nice to see the other boys trying to do what they could and not teasing him. I just think they were going about it the wrong way. I think they were turning it into a much bigger deal than it was. Everyone has struck out. Let's learn something and move on. Isn't that a healthier attitude than dwelling on how you failed and beating yourself up over it? I'm a crier and I tend to make things into bigger deals than I should. It is nice when someone comes along and helps to put it into perspective.

 

Telling a young boy to "man up" because he was showing emotion- nope, not a healthy attitude. How many women complain that men are not sensitive enough. Gee, maybe it's because of things like this that desensitize them in childhood? Attitudes that tell them that showing emotion is not okay? That they are not a "man" if they do? I don't care if he did it yelling and screaming or as sweet as pie, he still conveyed an attitude that is wrong to convey to a child regardless of gender, IMHO.

 

Now, talking to him nicely about how everyone strikes out sometimes, that he shouldn't feel bad about himself, that I know it's disappointing, but trying is what counts, and so on and so forth? Sure, great!

 

Sorry, but I'd flip if I heard a coach tell my son to "man up."

Edited October 19, 2010 by NanceXToo

[scrappyhappymama]

I guess it was so weird to me to see this kid cry over this. He hasn't been the only one either. A few of the boys have cried over striking out or getting out. It's almost like kids today are trying to find reasons to be emotional and dramatic. Maybe I'm the weird one for thinking this is strange?

 

Do we generally choose our emotions, or do we just feel what we feel? For some reason, this little boy became overwhelmed with emotion at striking out, but I think it is extremely unlikely that he felt fine but just chose to get all emotional and dramatic about it. I mean, that's not really culturally acceptable (obviously by many of the responses so far here) and he's not likely to impress his friends that way. I find it more likely that he knows there is "no crying in baseball" and that other kids may think him a crybaby, but he was still so overcome with emotion that he cried anyway.

 

I have four sons and one is overly emotional and cries at inappropriate times sometimes. (I mention the rest of my sons, because I don't believe he has been poorly parented into this personality quirk, otherwise I'd have four cry babies!). It's something we are working on, and to be honest sometimes I find myself embarrassed by my crying son. But I am determined not to try to shame him out of his true emotions, because they are not going to go away. He'll just learn to suck it up and hide his true feelings and let them fester.

 

Instead, we try to give him more appropriate options for expressing his emotions and try to help him change his perspectives. My son tends to be a perfectionist, and so little errors affect him more than they would other people. So we try to encourage him to do his best but to accept that sometimes he won't and that those times are growth opportunities. He also can be a little self-absorbed sometimes, and sometimes he cries when things don't go his way, so we've been working with him on being more considerate of others and practicing being a friend and not so controlling. I've also found that if my son is over-tired or stressed, he will cry more easily as well.

 

So all that to say- there are many reasons this boy may have been overcome with emotion. He could have been tired, or getting sick. He could be too hard on himself or too focused on trying to be the star. Whatever the reason, I think it would be appropriate for an adult to validate his real emotion- "I know, it really stinks to strike out like that," find common ground- "but it happens to all of us some time," and then help him move on and take the focus off himself- "but now it's time for you to buck up and support your team mates."

[Snickerdoodle]

Perfectly acceptable response for this age...

Just like some girls get moody and 'mean', some boys get 'soft' (wear emotions on sleeve) during puberty.

 

This.

[Jilly]

I think your dh was mean, and his comments were uncalled-for. The other kids were doing something nice, trying to console their teammate, and somehow you see that as a bad thing? How is kindness a bad thing?

 

I'm not saying that I think most 11 or 12 year-old boys should cry because they strike out once in baseball, but I also don't think it's a coach's place to tell them to "man up" if they do. Maybe the poor kid was already upset about something else, and striking out was just the last straw for him. Whatever the case, apparently his teammates didn't treat him like a baby for it, but your dh certainly did.

 

Crying is not such a terrible thing.

 

Cat

:iagree:

[Imprimis]

 

Crying can happen because of sadness, disappointment, frustration, rage (my specialty as a kid - DW doesn't even know that - sshhhh!), stress, anxiety, happiness/exhiliration, surprise, I'm sure there's more...both boys and girls have these emotions.

 

:iagree: Kids aren't robots. They shouldn't feel as if they have to hide perfectly normal emotions for fear of being branded, "weak," "soft," "un-manly," "emo," or any of the other less-than-kind adjectives.

[melissel]

Crying is often times viewed as a sign of weakness especially among guys. Having worked in a field that is mostly men, I would have been eaten alive had I cried b/c of something happening at work. Kids are in training and I think what the dh did was a good thing.

 

Wouldn't it be better to work to raise this next generation of young boys into men who didn't eat anyone alive?

[Mrs Mungo]

Some people (including big, tough men) cry more easily than others. I have only seen my dh cry 3 times, 2 of those were at funerals for close friends. I wouldn't wish that sort of bottling up of emotions on anyone. I have seen big, very tough guys (nobody would dispute their being tough type) cry over a child's touching letter. I hate the whole idea of it not being okay to show emotion.

 

I think sending him to the bathroom to calm down would have been more appropriate. Sometimes, you just need to removed from the situation to calm down.

[Cricket]

It is one thing for the father of the crying child to say what your DH said, but another for a coach. That just isn't cool at all. What would have been a good thing to do is maybe say, "hey, if you want to cry because you are upset, please go over to XYZ by yourself and when you are done crying, come back." It's giving the child a time out and gives him time to be upset and he isn't being around the others to milk it and cause more drama. A person's emotions are THEIR emotions. You can't tell them to stop feeling that way. He struck out and disappointed himself and probably felt as if he disappointed his team and probably his parents - that is a lot on a child's shoulders. He will learn to deal with it the more he plays.

 

I believe in tough love, but you have to be careful with your words. "Man up and get over it" aren't words I would want any coach to repeat to my child. The other stuff he said was okay.

 

Wow, I guess I'm the opposite. I would want my kid's coach to get him past that emotional point. You can't do much when you are crying. Our oldest is a pitcher. If he can't keep his emotions under control while pitching, then wild pitches go everywhere and his entire team suffers. Now *I* would coddle my boy a little bit because I'm Mom but I would want the coach to help him be a better player. Dh is always telling our boys things things like "you can hurt when the play is finished." My boys eat that up. It makes them proud when they do something that others couldn't or wouldn't do. I love watching the younger kids play. Sometimes they get hit with a pitch and they want to cry but they manage to take their place at 1st base anyway. The look on their faces is so priceless. They are so proud of themselves and really do look like little men. I think that is a healthy part of growing up. But like I said, maybe I'm the weird one! :)

[Mom-ninja.]

If a coach ever told one of my sons to man up, I would be having a very serious conversation with that coach.

 

If the coach said it to my son in front of others, my conversation with him would be in front of others.

 

I would be very matter-of-fact in my conversation.

[melissel]

Wow, I guess I'm the opposite. I would want my kid's coach to get him past that emotional point.

 

I don't disagree with you, actually. But IMO, telling someone that it's your own fault and to man up isn't the best way to do it, particularly not in front of a group of peers.

[Murphy101]

I'm with your DH.

 

I am a mom, but I am also a former military officer, so I am a little, well, rigid. :tongue_smilie:

 

Crying is fine when you are bleeding and really hurt. I mean - real physical pain. No scrapes or missing scabs. HURT.

 

It's also fine when you are home, in your room, with the door shut to cry about baseball. Or a boy. Or other inconsequential stuff. Cry there about anything you want.

 

But there is a time and a place - and by about 10 most kids should not have such a lack of emotional self control. At that age - it's time to bite your lip, suck it in, and move on.

 

To me - it's really all about self control and selfishness. I think it's really selfish at 11 to be more worried about what happened to you than to buck up and focus on cheering on your next teammate or getting on the field and playing good defense.

 

But again. I am not a normal mom. :)

 

:iagree:

 

I don't have much patience for whiners or drama. The boy was placing blame where he shouldn't and milking his buddies for sympathy he didn't deserve.

 

Sure I'm glad they didn't make fun of him, but I don't think being enablers is much better.

 

Telling the boy he had no business getting mad at the umpires and enough already was appropriate IMO. To me, it had less to do with the tears and more to do with the bad attitude. That is what I associate "man up" with. And it is a good thing for men and women to learn.

 

This was a 12 year old boy. Most certainly a man in training, not a little child incapable of understanding where he was wrong here.

 

It's better to see a kid cry than go kick an animal or something. It can be a good release and harms nobody.

 

Oh geez. Because of course crying or kicking animals are the only choices here.

 

My dh didn't yell at him or make fun of him. He said it all matter-of-factly. The fact was that it wasn't the umpire's fault he struck out. You can't blame someone else if you don't swing. The correct thing to do with two strikes is to swing. It was nice to see the other boys trying to do what they could and not teasing him. I just think they were going about it the wrong way. I think they were turning it into a much bigger deal than it was. Everyone has struck out. Let's learn something and move on. Isn't that a healthier attitude than dwelling on how you failed and beating yourself up over it? I'm a crier and I tend to make things into bigger deals than I should. It is nice when someone comes along and helps to put it into perspective.

 

:iagree: I don't even think it's about the tears. Tears or not I think your dh should have said something. It's not appropriate for a 12 year old have a fit and blame others for their failures and he certainly isn't helped by others patting him on the back in consolation for that attitude. Manning up is about taking personal responsibility and learning from our mistakes. A 12 year old should absolutely be learning that lesson and should not be so mentally delicate or emotionally fragile that he or she can't handle it when someone points this out to them.

 

I don't think your dh was mean at all.

I think he did a kindness.

[Mama Geek]

Wouldn't it be better to work to raise this next generation of young boys into men who didn't eat anyone alive?

 

And what will happen as soon as that generation of kids enter the work force? What will they do when their boss calls them into the office to tell them they are screwing up? How will they act when they make the best decisions they can and they still end up costing the company millions of dollars? How will they do when a customer blows up at them without good reason.

 

We need level headed people who can keep their emotions in check when they are making hard decisions. Generally public places are not the right places with a few exceptions like funerals.

[justamouse]

Wow.

 

Um, from experience, 11 yo boys cry. A lot. And I HATE the man up thing. Hate it. It makes me see red and doesn't endear me to the people who say it UNLESS the person they are speaking to IS a man.

 

My brother, big huge hulking hunter/fisherman, neck broken in 14 places, cried like a baby when he was that age. They are as emotional as girls and it's a horrible double standard that a girl getting emotional on PMS is allowed to have a vent with crying, but it's NOT ok for a boy. They grow out of it.

[melissel]

And what will happen as soon as that generation of kids enter the work force? What will they do when their boss calls them into the office to tell them they are screwing up? How will they act when they make the best decisions they can and they still end up costing the company millions of dollars? How will they do when a customer blows up at them without good reason.

 

We need level headed people who can keep their emotions in check when they are making hard decisions. Generally public places are not the right places with a few exceptions like funerals.

 

We're talking about hormonal, pubescent 12-year-old boys here, not grown businessmen. Your points sounds awfully similar to old arguments about women in the workforce...

[justamouse]

Wouldn't it be better to work to raise this next generation of young boys into men who didn't eat anyone alive?

 

It's a proven fact that women are better managers and better workers because of their ability to NOT eat everyone alive.

 

I've seen my husband cry over sad movies. I love that about him. I wouldn't call him excessively soft or wimpy. He's a real person. To me, a man who can't show emotions, isn't a real person.

 

Exactly.

 

And what will happen as soon as that generation of kids enter the work force? What will they do when their boss calls them into the office to tell them they are screwing up? How will they act when they make the best decisions they can and they still end up costing the company millions of dollars? How will they do when a customer blows up at them without good reason.

 

We need level headed people who can keep their emotions in check when they are making hard decisions. Generally public places are not the right places with a few exceptions like funerals.

 

Please. Like I said above, women are proven to be better workers and better managers because of their ability to form relationships and manage in a side position, not a top down. And equating a grown up to a child in this instance doesn't make for a great argument. An adult has years on learning how to better control their emotions, an 11 year old boy none. He's just hitting puberty.

[Danestress]

I am not at all surprised that boys can shed a few tears. Being in a situation like that can make a kid feel a lot of pressure. I have only watched a couple of baseball games (my kids have a close friend who plays, so I have gone to watch him a couple of times). Even as a non-player, not parent, I felt a little stressed as each boy got up to hit!

 

I think it's poor sportsmanship to express disagreement with an umpire like that, though.

 

My son plays tennis, and if he expressed that level of disapproval of a line call by an official, he would be penalized. That's just not okay. You don't argue with the ref either directly or (for baseball, I would imagine) by going back to the dugout and letting everyone know you think it was a bad call. Call made, move on.

 

But shedding a few tears as a stress relief seems sort of okay to me. Unusual perhaps, but not THAT unusual. I think it's great that his team mates were kind. I think it's also appropriate that your husband told him to move on emotionally.

 

I will also say that in the tennis world, where boys go out and play one on one for up to a couple of hours and the stress can seem very very high, I actually think you see more emotion with older boys than younger. The ten year olds often seem to hold it together where you see 13 year olds seeming to melt down. I think it's hormonal.

[Mama Geek]

Kids are in training and I think what the dh did was a good thing.

 

In my original statement, I did mention that the 12 yo was in training. I don't expect kids to have it all right by that age. I thought what dh did was helping to train.

[Murphy101]

Perfectly acceptable response for this age...

Just like some girls get moody and 'mean', some boys get 'soft' (wear emotions on sleeve) during puberty.

 

I do get that and agree it's a natural response.

 

But nope, we don't get to say, "Oh you'll just have to let me go all PMS on the team right now because I'm feeling a mood come over me."

 

Um. No.

 

They have to learn to own their emotions and cope appropriately. They are not going to always do so because they are learning and growing. And it's up to the adults around them to let them know when it isn't appropriate for them to inflict their mood swings on whoever happens to be in their vicinity.

[justamouse]

As I said, my husband cries over sad movies. I doubt he would cry if his boss told him he screwed up. In fact, he is German and Germans don't sugar coat their comments like Americans do. He has been told by bosses he is too honest in his dealings with coworkers! So to say this macho attitude exists in every workplace just isn't the case.

 

Exactly. My husband runs the company very tightly, but he's also secure in his masculinity to show emotion. The guy was a dead lifter, he's no wimp and people are scared of him because he's got this hard Italian face. I'd love to see anyone tell him he wasn't masculine.

[NanceXToo]

And what will happen as soon as that generation of kids enter the work force? What will they do when their boss calls them into the office to tell them they are screwing up? How will they act when they make the best decisions they can and they still end up costing the company millions of dollars? How will they do when a customer blows up at them without good reason.

 

We need level headed people who can keep their emotions in check when they are making hard decisions. Generally public places are not the right places with a few exceptions like funerals.

 

And you really think that because an ELEVEN YEAR OLD BOY cried about something that he's doomed to a lifetime of not knowing how to handle himself as an adult?

 

Oh, please!

 

That kind of thing comes pretty automatically with age and maturity, even if you cry when you're 11, even if somebody doesn't tell you to "man up" in front of your friends.

 

What a silly argument.

[justamouse]

I do get that and agree it's a natural response.

 

But nope, we don't get to say, "Oh you'll just have to let me go all PMS on the team right now because I'm feeling a mood come over me."

 

Um. No.

 

They have to learn to own their emotions and cope appropriately. They are not going to always do so because they are learning and growing. And it's up to the adults around them to let them know when it isn't appropriate for them to inflict their mood swings on whoever happens to be in their vicinity.

 

 

Who said that was the right response? No one. That is the response from a flaming gay on TV (None of the gay guys I know actually talk like that). I agree they have to learn, but suck it up and man up is a cold heartless way to teach a person and what it DOES teach them is everything we spend the rest of our marriages trying to UNteach our husbands.

[Mama Geek]

It's a proven fact that women are better managers and better workers because of their ability to NOT eat everyone alive.

 

 

I've seen women get just as mean and nasty as men if not more so at times. Generally the people (it doesn't matter whether it is male or female) that are the best leaders are those that don't get rattled when things get tough. And from what I have seen leaders and managers aren't always the same thing.

[Mrs Mungo]

I do get that and agree it's a natural response.

 

But nope, we don't get to say, "Oh you'll just have to let me go all PMS on the team right now because I'm feeling a mood come over me."

 

Um. No.

 

They have to learn to own their emotions and cope appropriately. They are not going to always do so because they are learning and growing. And it's up to the adults around them to let them know when it isn't appropriate for them to inflict their mood swings on whoever happens to be in their vicinity.

 

Nobody is debating that. The only debate is in the HOW one gets there. By being humiliated in front of one's teammates v. being removed from the situation to calm down.

[NanceXToo]

They have to learn to own their emotions

 

Well, no offense, but it doesn't sound like you're letting them do that if they aren't "allowed" to cry. How is that OWNING your emotions?

 

And, actually, it's up to the adults around them to let them know that emotions are okay, and normal, and that their emotions ARE theirs.

 

Now, I can see if their emotions were HURTING others- like they're lashing out in a rage and saying or doing things that are wrong or hurtful to other people.

 

But you've got to be kidding me if you seriously think it's okay to tell a kid he's "not allowed" to cry because YOU don't think it's worth being upset over or to control that child's emotions. They are HIS emotions!!!

 

ETA: and in this case, the child wasn't hurting anybody. He gave in to his emotions as children sometimes do (as adults sometimes do, too)- and his team showed him kindness and helped him work through it- if you ask me, that was already the best possible outcome and they were handling it just fine on their own. The adult in question should have stayed out of it and not made that potentially hurtful comment to the kid.

Edited October 19, 2010 by NanceXToo

[Barry Goldwater]

It's a proven fact that women are better managers and better workers because of their ability to NOT eat everyone alive.

 

Source/citation, please?

[nmoira]

 

When my dh (an assistant coach) saw what was going on, he went over to the kid and pretty much told him to man up and get over it. He basically said that it was all on him that he struck out, stop blaming the umpire, when you have two strikes on you if it is close you have to swing, it's as simple as that, get over it and do it differently next time. That's finally when the kid stopped crying.

"Manning up" aside -- I do so hate that phrase -- while I wouldn't have said, "Get over it, " your husband was honest and forthright with the child. IMHO this is this best long term approach for children to help them learn to deal with disappointment and failure. There's nothing wrong with commiseration from his peers, as long as it is not the same as encouraging the deflection of responsibility and the placing of blame on others.

[Murphy101]

Fair enough. The point is crying is not the least appropriate reaction in the world.

 

Did anyone say it was the least appropriate reaction in the world?

I sure didn't. I said it was not appropriate.

I'm sure any of us could come up with worse reactions.

Is the goal for these kids so low that we can only hope to avoid the least appropriate and thus ignore other inappropriate behaviors?:001_huh:

 

it's a horrible double standard that a girl getting emotional on PMS is allowed to have a vent with crying, but it's NOT ok for a boy. They grow out of it.

 

Who has that double standard here? Has anyone said that?

 

Because I for one do NOT permit that with any of my children.

 

Heck no, they do not get to just call the PMS card to excuse their behavior.:blink: