I am so sad for ds16.

[dirty ethel rackham]

And it's all my fault. Ds is a lovable, but geeky kid. He has had some social difficulties in his past - bullying incidents in the neighborhood, a socially-unacceptable illness, just plain shy. Unfortunately, these things have really damaged his self-confidence. I thought we were doing better - we have seen a wonderful counselor off and on. Well, I was running and errand and stopped by my friend's house. I overheard her son, who is "friends" with my son, discussing a get-together he was having with a few other boys - Ds's other "friends." After I mentioned something about it to ds, he realized he wasn't invited. (I wish I could eat my words right now!!!) This is not the first time this has happened and I think he is seeing the handwriting on the wall. None of these kids are really his friends.

 

My son is not the type who will make the first move or put himself out there. I always had to set up playdates when he was younger. He is more of a one-on-one kind of kid. I have started many activities for fellow homeschoolers to help him meet peers. Being a teen and having no friends is really difficult. His only friend is his brother. He is friendly with kids in scouts, but he is the only homeschooled kid there so he doesn't really have "friends" there - at least, not kids that he sees outside of scouts. He has been attending the same Karate studio for 7 years, but really hasn't made friends there. Kids he got friendly with stopped going. He is attending a teen literature club each week and seems to be enjoying this, but they draw from a wide geographical area that it is difficult to see people outside of club. He is taking college classes, but he feels a little self-conscious that he is only a junior in high school while they are all freshmen who live on campus.

 

He is too old for me to be setting up play dates, but I don't know how to help him. I can't turn him into an uber-extrovert, nor would I want to. I am just so sad for him. If you are the praying type, can you keep him in your prayers?

[Pretty in Pink]

:grouphug:

[Hockey Mom]

My heart breaks just reading this. :( Of course, I will pray for him.

 

Does he have a passion for anything? It sounds like he's involved in a lot of things, but maybe he's not passionate about them? Does he do any volunteer work? I know my DD made friends with a lot of people she volunteered with (Habitat for Humanity, Vet's office, Humane Society), as well as with the people she met at work.

 

Sixteen is such a tough age. Too old for Mom to foster friendships for him, and too young to hang out with adults. I really feel for him. :(

[Caroline]

I have a DS 15. I know how you feel. I will pray. :grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

Is it possible that the child planning the gathering believes your ds would not be interested? Is there a way to quiety and safely let his mother know that your dc is interested? Perhaps she could, without letting on you spoke to her, say something like , "Oh, that sounds like something so and so would also enjoy? Give him a call and see."

[Amy in TX]

:grouphug:

 

Such a tough age. I'm glad he has such a wonderful mom.

 

A fantastic, successful musician friend of mine (now in his 40s) once said of his teen years, something to the effect of, "Even when things were really bad, I always had my family."

 

Your love and support will see him through these difficult years, one way or another, God willing.

 

Hang in there,

[at the beach]

:grouphug: I'll be praying for your son. It is heartbreaking. My youngest daughter has similar social issues. She's incredibly social but also socially awkward. Maybe as your son gets out of the high school age and in college, it will be easier? I second the suggestion to look into volunteer opportunities for him. It doesn't have to be people his own age that he connects with.

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:My ds lost the friendship with a neighbor kid last year. It was his one real friend. It hurts.

 

One thing we've done is allowed ds to create some online friendships. He's been given all the grilling about security and none of these people know who he really is, but it's alleviated some of the pain of few IRL friendships. He is allowed to visit two places, approved and monitored by dh. He plays xbox live and one other website. I hear him laughing and talking with people as he plays. My ds is not real outgoing in groups but he's had a great time with these outlets. While it's more anonymous than a forum like this, he still feels connected to these people.

 

We're moving soon and I'm hoping to find some IRL outlets, so I'm :bigear: as well.

[specialmama]

:grouphug: Oh, Ellen, that is so heartbreaking. There must be something he'd be interested in. Maybe a chess club, a computer club... here's an idea... I bet he'd be an AMAZING respite person for families needing someone to take their teen (with autism or Down's) out bowling, swimming, etc. The most respectable ones are the ones who help those less able... and those less able are really looking for a special friend. I'm praying for him...

[justasque]

It gets better.

 

College can be a place where your ds can find others who share his interests. If he's a bit geeky, and chooses a geeky major, and a geeky school, he could really blossom amongst his true peers - those who share his interests. Make sure he knows that.

 

You might also want to find out how his current peers communicate. Here if you're not on Facebook, you won't know what folks are planning. I'm not a huge fan, but it does help kids keep in touch with others, especially when geography is an issue. Sometimes shy kids can be quite articulate on FB.

[Chris in VA]

My son doesn't have friends, either. I look around at all the artsy, geeky, probably-didn't-fit-in students at VCU and think, ah, maybe HERE! But no. Being an Aspie is part of it.

It is sad, when I think of all he's missing.

 

However, it's not my battle to fight anymore. I'm sorry for your son, but it's his job to find a friend.

 

I'll be praying tho--I know it's really hard to watch, and hard to experience. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[LunaLee]

:grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

My ds (who's almost 18) is a great kid, hard-working, handsome, and kind. And low I.Q. He's high-functioning, but clearly not quite as smart as other kids, and kids his age notice. For the most part, my ds's friends consist of his brothers and his cousins. One exception to this has been the youth group of our teeny-tiny church. They have been very accepting, and have been willing to give him a chance simply because they've been taught that it's right to do so. After they gave him a try, they found that he wasn't so different, and now he has some other kids he considers friends. Maybe it's because the group is so small that every kid is held accountable for Christ-like behavior, but it's meant the world to my ds that they gave him a chance. Is it at all possible that there's a small youth group your ds could be a part of? You might even be able to speak to the leader in advance and "feel out" whether they'd be good at helping your ds incorporate into the group.

 

Either way, :grouphug: to you and your ds, and I'll be sure to include you both in my prayers tonight. I know how hard it is to watch your kid grieve about friendships (or lack thereof).

[Denisemomof4]

I may be totally off base here, but if his socially unacceptable illness is Aspergers, they typically have social groups for kids to meet at. They will teach social skills, take the kids on outings, have parties and bbq's for the families, etc. If it's not AS, maybe the illness your son does have has some sort of group like this?

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It's UNBEARABLE to watch our kids sad or suffer.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

I may be totally off base here, but if his socially unacceptable illness is Aspergers, they typically have social groups for kids to meet at. They will teach social skills, take the kids on outings, have parties and bbq's for the families, etc. If it's not AS, maybe the illness your son does have has some sort of group like this?

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It's UNBEARABLE to watch our kids sad or suffer.

Thanks, Denise. Nope, it is not Aspergers. He had encopresis (soiling.) His case did not respond well to various treatments from the pediatric GI docs we saw. Each one said he would be cured in 6 weeks. It took over 5 years, despite us following their regimens religiously (and looking for new solutions when those didn't work.) The poor kid and the shame he felt - it makes it very difficult for him to be confident to make the first move in social situations. This is not the type of disease where kids want ANYONE to know they have it, so a support group for the kids would not have worked. In fact, the only way many kids can deal with it emotionally is to be in denial. No way, Jose, would any of these kids voluntarily attend any type of group that would force them to be open about this.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Is it possible that the child planning the gathering believes your ds would not be interested? Is there a way to quiety and safely let his mother know that your dc is interested? Perhaps she could, without letting on you spoke to her, say something like , "Oh, that sounds like something so and so would also enjoy? Give him a call and see."

 

Nope ... this gathering is similar to others my son has attended with the same group of kids. But, it is becoming evident to me that they have been getting together and not inviting him for a while. They used the excuse before that my son had Karate on Friday nights so they figured he wasn't available (it was only until 7:30). Now that he is not attending the Friday class (and he let people know), he is free, but they still did not invite him.

 

His mother is my best friend, so she knows. I have subtly let her know that he would love to hang out with them more. Right now I am so emotional about this that I am wondering about this friendship for me. She knows of all his issues. She knows how hurt he has been over being excluded before. I do not know what conversations she has had with her son. Perhaps she is sparing my feelings by not telling me what her son really thinks.

[lisamarie]

I was going to suggest a church youth group or a church/Christian sponsored mission trip. My closest friendships were formed while serving together in youth group, on mission trips, doing a year of service together while in college, etc. I graduated from high school 13 years ago and I can tell you that the only relationships I still have today are with those who I served with in HS and college. I rarely talk to any of the kids I went to HS with. The relationships just drifted away as we went our separate ways.

 

Find a place where your DS can serve with other teens, be it a youth group, a soup kitchen, or whatever you have in your area. Something about working side by side brings people together who wouldn't naturally be friends otherwise. I have many friends today who if you had asked me 15 years ago if we would ever be friends, I would have laughed at you because we are just that different. But now we are great friends.

[LibraryLover]

:grouphug: That's just unkind.

 

 

His mother is my best friend, so she knows. I have subtly let her know that he would love to hang out with them more. Right now I am so emotional about this that I am wondering about this friendship for me. She knows of all his issues. She knows how hurt he has been over being excluded before. I do not know what conversations she has had with her son. Perhaps she is sparing my feelings by not telling me what her son really thinks.

Edited October 2, 2010 by LibraryLover

[dirty ethel rackham]

My heart breaks just reading this. :( Of course, I will pray for him.

 

Does he have a passion for anything? It sounds like he's involved in a lot of things, but maybe he's not passionate about them? Does he do any volunteer work? I know my DD made friends with a lot of people she volunteered with (Habitat for Humanity, Vet's office, Humane Society), as well as with the people she met at work.

 

Sixteen is such a tough age. Too old for Mom to foster friendships for him, and too young to hang out with adults. I really feel for him. :(

 

Thanks so much. Passions ... I think that is part of his problem. He doesn't really have passions anymore. Until about two years ago, he was really into paleontology, but not many kids over the age of 4 want to talk dinosaurs. So, he had no one to share this passion with. I am not 100% sure why he dropped this interest. He still likes Karate (he has a jr. black belt and is eagerly awaiting his sr. black belt test next summer.) He likes scouts and eagerly goes to meetings (but has given up his quest for Eagle.) He does volunteer work through scouts. He LOVES to read and really likes this lit group. He loves science and is taking Biology at the local college. But a shy kid is not likely to make friends with college kids living on campus. He has a fairly heavy academic load, so I am reluctant to push him into more time commitments. He is barely getting all his work done each week.

 

It is just hard when there aren't many homeschool teens left out there. So many of them go to school around this age.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: I'm in the same place right now, it isn't easy. No answers, just "been there, doing that" empathy.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm so sorry. This is such a difficult situation. I don't know what to say, other than I hope some new kids his age move into the area.

 

It's so difficult when moms and kids are all friends. It's a blessing until there are issues, usually with the kids. I would be so hurt if I were you, too, but your best friend may feel deep pain inside, too, and torn because *maybe* your son and hers don't really "click." I just had a conversation with a friend of mine today about our kids and friendships, and how we can't force them to work, they have to work on their own. I'm sorry if the friendships don't work out between the boys, but if you have a great relationship with your bf and want to keep it that way, I wouldn't hold this against her. She's not the one keeping your son away.

 

My ds and one of my closest friend's teens were caught doing something they shouldn't have. I asked my friend to please not hold ds's actions against me and told her how important her friendship was to me. Thankfully, she knows my ds is a good kid who made a stupid mistake and we've moved past it. BUT, I talked to her again about keeping our friendship and any issues our kids may have separate entities.

 

I know right now your heart is breaking for your son, but I hope this is only a season which will pass. My dh was picked on as a kid and lonely because he stuttered. He's now a confident, happy, well liked, successful man. I pray for the same for your son.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited October 2, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[Gooblink]

:grouphug: If it helps to hear a similar story with a happy ending...

 

My sister was friendless, self-conscious, bullied; our family was not particularly nurturing and we lived in a very small town. Once she got to college, she blossomed. Nobody knew her past, nobody had prejuidices against her and she really came out of her shell.

 

She's now a highly confident college professor, PhD, triathalon addict, military vetran, wife and the mother of two gifted kids. :)

 

It sounds like your son has a full, active, schedule and loving family. Even if his brother is his only friend now, I suspect he'll come into his own. As pp (Amy?) said, as long as he has his family....

 

You and your son are in my prayers.

[Miss Marple]

Aw! I'm so sorry. Lots of prayers going up for various sons of ours. Life was so much more simple when they were young. It's a tough world out there. I would bet our fellas would get on well - mine are known to be rather quirky.

[sacgw]

The great thing about posting on a homeschooling site is that most homeschoolers are Christians and we can all pray. We've all heard the testimonies of people who wouldn't be where they are, as adults, in their Christian walk if it weren't for the prayers of their mothers. We, mothers, can all pray for your son. God knows what your son needs, and who will be a true friend to him. I have started making prayer cards for my prayer time (since my memory is unreliable anymore :-) ) so I will add a card for your son and you.

 

I have read a lot of good suggestions with small youth groups, and mission trips. What about a pen pal? I know that it's not the same as having a friend close by but maybe it will open doors to get togethers at homeschool camps or vacations. Meanwhile, he would have someone his age he could confide in. It sounds like there are several moms on this site that have sons his age, maybe the boys would be interested in starting a pen pal relationship via e-mail.

 

My heart goes out to you. I will be praying for you and your son.:grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

I will pray. Does he have a driver's license? If not, maybe you could work on him getting it. That sometimes makes a child more secure and also, if he could borrow the car, he could expand his contacts.

[Sherri in MI]

:grouphug:

 

I think many of us have known at one time the pain of feeling excluded. It's hard being young. When you are an adult you have more options sometimes for searching out social opportunities with people that you click with. It hurts to see our child hurting as well.

[MBM]

Does you son have the means of communication that his other friends have? Do they text, for instance? My son's classmates plan activities this way, but since ds is not interested in texting, he often misses out. It's his choice, though, and he doesn't seem to mind.

 

At this point, try not to make assumptions about the other boys until you have more information. Could you ask your friend if she hears why the other boys don't invite your son? You might hear more painful things, but it could possibly give you some good insight. Sometimes we are just not aware how we are coming off to others. It might also be that they have invited one another for a period of time, and that's good enough for them. Maybe they think it doesn't bother your son?

 

You might also try looking at Martin Seligman's book The Optimistic Child. He explains how our explanatory style (the way we interpret situations) affects the way we perceive situations and ourselves. Seligman teaches how to refute our inaccurate thoughts. The book is a bit long, but you might find some helpful suggestions.

 

Last of all, I so understand where you're coming from with the encopresis. We dealt with that for *only* two years. It must have been very difficult for you and your son to deal with it for five. It can be a very tough problem to treat.

 

Good luck to your son. It is painful when they're hurting. :grouphug:

Edited October 2, 2010 by MBM

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug: I know you can't set up "play dates" at 16yo, but maybe you could invite one family, who he's "friends" with over for a get together. If he does better one on one, this might work well.

[ma23peas]

I am so sorry, but have hope, things look up!

 

Our 15 year old son was in a land of apathy...he loved football but without the Tim Tebow bill there are few opp's for him to play and to be honest, I didn't want him to play...had a dear uncle who passed last year and we're convinced it's directly related to his years playing against Mike Ditka in the 'old college days'...all his symptoms were right in line with all the studies that are coming out from Boston Univ...okay, I digress..

 

But he had to try something! He needs to get out there...so I signed myself up to teach writing at a co-op, I was going to teach my own 3 anyhow, why not add 20 to the mix...I believe writing is one of those subjects where they REALLY benefit from sharing their ideas/discussions on great books/compositions with each other AND it will give him some much needed 'teen' time...that led to him wanting to try basketball again, he hasn't played since he was 6 years old! But 4 of the boys in my writing class are on the same team...(Upwards) so he's now on a team..at the beginning of the summer I was in your spot, just praying that God would fulfill this need in him and help me guide him through it..today, things are looking up....I think our whole existence as parents is a volley between the pits and the peaks...as long as we handle the pits with as much love and grace as the peaks..they'll all come out fine! :)

 

Hoping your week provides some shining peaks for you!!!

 

Tara

[Stacy in NJ]

computer time and online stuff, but for kids with social difficulties it can be a real outlet ~ maybe not the perfect solution, but something positive none-the-less.

 

Does he pay any online games like WOW? Gamers can be remarkable accepting.

 

Just a thought.

 

Hugs to you and ds.:grouphug:

[livingnlearning]

Your son sounds a lot like mine.... Mine is shy in groups and not a sport minded kid which in our small town didn't leave him much in common with the other kids his age. He does well with other kids when he's around them but he doesn't have any real friends his own age.

 

Online stuff has helped him enormously-as others have said here, the Xbox live and the online communities around his interests (books) are great for him. He has a really close online friend who is a 13 year old girl so he even gets some of that silly flirty awkward pre-dating foolishness! lol

 

I moniter everything he's on and it's torturous to read sometimes (teenspeak typed :blink: ) but it gave him a social outlet he didn't have before.

[unsinkable]

Ellen,

 

I am so sorry! Your whole family is in my prayers.

 

I know the pain a mom can feel. I try to remember to turn to Mary as she knows our pain as mothers so well.

 

I hope you find a way to help your DS. It is so, so hard!

 

Love you! :grouphug:

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

:grouphug: If it helps to hear a similar story with a happy ending...

 

My sister was friendless, self-conscious, bullied; our family was not particularly nurturing and we lived in a very small town. Once she got to college, she blossomed. Nobody knew her past, nobody had prejuidices against her and she really came out of her shell.

 

She's now a highly confident college professor, PhD, triathalon addict, military vetran, wife and the mother of two gifted kids. :)

 

It sounds like your son has a full, active, schedule and loving family. Even if his brother is his only friend now, I suspect he'll come into his own. As pp (Amy?) said, as long as he has his family....

 

You and your son are in my prayers.

 

This is awesome! Wow!

 

OP - your son will be in my prayers. Even though I am very social and did have good, close friends before I went to college, I did notice very much of what the poster above's sister experienced. In college, you were someone new! No one knew your past, there was no clique mentality (like high school)...it was just you and the world. I saw kids that were picked on in high school blossom and grow in college. I changed my name in college - went from "Becky" to "Rebecca" and, to this day, everyone in my life (other than my mom and the people I know from high school) call me "Rebecca." Life kind of starts over in college...if you let it.

 

Many prayers for your ds!:grouphug: