What's the correct etiquette...

[DianeW88]

Holy cow...people really stay with their children at a birthday party when their child is over the age of 3???? You're kidding me!!! That doesn't happen where I live. I have always dropped my children off at the appointed time and picked them up when it was over. As have all the other mothers. I can't even IMAGINE staying at a children's birthday party with an 11 year old. :001_huh: That is so "smother-mothering" to me it's unfathomable. And, FWIW, my 9 year old son is going to a pool party tomorrow. I'm not invited and I'm not staying.

 

And, yes, I think it's rude for the parents to "inform" you that they will also be attending your child's party. They WEREN'T INVITED. Good grief, Emily Post must be turning over in her grave. Maybe that's what you should hand out as party favors to the parents....etiquette books. :lol:

 

Good luck!

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: It's not an easy situation. It's obvious that different people have different views on this. I have to wonder if it's cultural, and varies depending on the part of the country you live in (like M'am and sir are polite in some parts and very rude in other parts of the country). When mine were younger (tots to around 8-9), I usually stayed but can't remember now if I asked or not about whether or not they wanted me to. I hope I never offended the host. Most seemed to stay when I hosted parties. By 11, I didn't stay unless I was asked to stay and help. I'm sorry you are feeling so conflicted. You are also unfortunate to live in a place with expensive pizza. Here, you can get a large one topping, decent tasting, for $6 if you order 4 or more at several places. And Pizza Hut has medium Pizza mias for $5 each if you order 3 or more. Some posters may not have realized what a huge difference in cost it would be for you, if they live in a place like I do with lots of competition among the pizza places. Try to have fun, for your own sanity.

[Julie in CA]

Well' date=' then it seems your choice is clear. You need to send out clarifying emails or phone calls that this is for the specific invitees only, and let the chips fall where they may. I would do this anyway for the family that was bringing siblings (I think that kind of assumption falls outside almost anyone's boundaries). Less angst and resentment leads to happier party for everyone.[/quote']

:iagree: Definitely, definitely make it clear. Please don't leave it as-is, outwardly kind, and inwardly resentful. That's not good for anyone. You can certainly let people know nicely and politely, displaying the manners they did not. :001_smile:

[Nakia]

Great, now I'm not kind and choosing to be offended. You people.

 

What if I told you my husband has been working over 20 hours a day for the past few weeks? What if I told you that this Sunday was his only day off, and the party had been planned waaaay before his schedule went haywire. What if he loves his son too much to cancel the party, and really would rather hole up by himself and not watch kids by the pool and be forced to make party talk with their parents? Does THAT make a difference? At what point does the responsibility of being a good guest, get to be the guests?

 

 

 

Tell that to the Secretary of State. I bet she'll laugh for a day.

 

I think people are coming down pretty hard on both sides of the opinions. The bottom line is that it is YOUR son's party at YOUR house, and you get to make the rules. Like I said before, I really hope you can work it out and have peace about it. It seems like a really sticky and unfortunate (for you) situation. :grouphug:

 

As a side note and not directed at you, justamouse, I am always amazed at the threads that can turn so hostile here. I just don't get it.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I haven't read through all the replies, but will try to offer some advise. I gleaned that one family is bringing siblings and all. I would just be honest and call them up and say I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding this is going to be kids only and we only planned for 4 boys to be in the pool so that we can keep an eye on everyone and keep the party safe. Then let what happens happen.

I would also call the other families and say the same thing. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding but we meant for this to be an informal gathering with a few of ds's friends. We want to keep the party safe for the kids and didn't anticipate the parents staying. Again let what happens happen.

The families will either understand or they won't.

All families are different and sometimes siblings get catered to. dd had a movie outing this year and I paid for her and 2 friends to go to the movies. One Mom apparently thought that when I invited her ds11 I was including her dd5. The day of the movie as I was picking up said child at his house...the dd5 is there ready and waiting and I told the Mom, "I'm sorry you didn't realize it was for the big kids only. My younger kids aren't here either."

The Mom sat in the driveway (instead of taking the child inside and explaining it to her) with the crying little girl and trying to make me feel guilty. I just loaded everyone in the car. Well an hour later as the kids were finishing spending coins in the arcade of the movie in walks the Mom, husband , and the little girl.

Misunderstandings happen. Deal with it politely and diplomatically. It should be pain free and drama free.

I would just call and politely explain that there was a misunderstanding and then stick to my guns. They should understand.

Edited August 13, 2010 by OpenMinded

[Ellie]

Holy cow...people really stay with their children at a birthday party when their child is over the age of 3???? You're kidding me!!!

My thoughts exactly.:D

 

And, yes, I think it's rude for the parents to "inform" you that they will also be attending your child's party. They WEREN'T INVITED.

Thank you!

Good grief, Emily Post must be turning over in her grave. Maybe that's what you should hand out as party favors to the parents....etiquette books. :lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

[Jenny in GA]

This thread has gotten so emotional that I went back and read the OP.

 

She says the parents "said they will be staying with the child." Just curious, how did they say it?

 

Did they say, "I'll stay, so I can help out and you don't have to worry about keeping an eye on them all the pool while serving everybody"? Did they say/imply, "I'll stay, because you and I are such good friends and I'd love that opportunity to chat and catch up"? Something else? Did they just announce belligerently, "I'm staying!" or was their some context to that statement??

 

I would just chalk this up to learning something for next time, get the extra pizzas and feel that you're doing a good thing with the $$ by being hospitable. [i'm not sure how it was figured that you'd be spending $100 more.] Shrug it off, tell yourself next time you're clarify so you won't have that problem, and have a great party!

 

Although I'm sure that, after this whole thread, you're probably even more irritated than you were in the first place! :lol:

 

Jenny

[Catwoman]

Great, now I'm not kind and choosing to be offended. You people.

 

Well, I've sided with you from the beginning on this, as I don't think it is within parents' rights to simply announce that they (and their other kids :eek:) will be attending the party, even though the invitations were addressed only to your ds's friends.

 

And I'll side with you again...

 

I don't think you're unkind, and if you are "choosing" to be offended, I think you are probably more offended at some of the very negative attitudes that are being directed toward you here in this thread, than you are by the families that invited themselves to the party.

 

I felt that you were asking a simple question about party guest etiquette, and that you just wanted to see how others viewed your situation. Sure, you were venting a little, but who wouldn't be, if they were upset about something and needed to talk about it? I don't feel it was necessary for others to judge you so harshly, and I feel very badly for you about that, and I can't say I blame you for defending yourself when a few people seem to be portraying you as a selfish, mean mom.

 

Fortunately, most of the posts have been civil and haven't gotten personal, but I know it's hard to focus on those when a few have been so judgmental and unpleasant.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Julie in CA]

Although I'm sure that, after this whole thread, you're probably even more irritated than you were in the first place! :lol:

 

Jenny

:001_smile: I'm not sure why people post *asking what people think* and then become defensive. If you just want to blow off steam, label it as such, then everyone knows and understands. If things are posted in terms of asking for advice/opinions, then it's not surprising when you get advice/opinions! :D

[Nestof3]

Justamouse,

 

I am curious. Have these parents ever left their kids at your house to swim, or are they always there?

[justamouse]

This thread has gotten so emotional that I went back and read the OP.

 

She says the parents "said they will be staying with the child." Just curious, how did they say it?

 

Did they say, "I'll stay, so I can help out and you don't have to worry about keeping an eye on them all the pool while serving everybody"? Did they say/imply, "I'll stay, because you and I are such good friends and I'd love that opportunity to chat and catch up"? Something else? Did they just announce belligerently, "I'm staying!" or was their some context to that statement??

 

I would just chalk this up to learning something for next time, get the extra pizzas and feel that you're doing a good thing with the $$ by being hospitable. [i'm not sure how it was figured that you'd be spending $100 more.] Shrug it off, tell yourself next time you're clarify so you won't have that problem, and have a great party!

 

Although I'm sure that, after this whole thread, you're probably even more irritated than you were in the first place! :lol:

 

Jenny

 

When they called with their RSVP, they plain old TOLD me they would be staying. No asking, no offer of help, just Jr and I will be coming and gee, what will we do with poor little man....long pause.

 

the bolded? You bet. But at least now I know why these parents act this way.

 

Justamouse,

 

I am curious. Have these parents ever left their kids at your house to swim, or are they always there?

 

We see them often, her two boys and my two younger boys are the same age, and she's a homeschooler. I invite all three of them over at least twice a month to swim.

[justamouse]

Well, I've sided with you from the beginning on this, as I don't think it is within parents' rights to simply announce that they (and their other kids :eek:) will be attending the party, even though the invitations were addressed only to your ds's friends.

 

And I'll side with you again...

 

I don't think you're unkind, and if you are "choosing" to be offended, I think you are probably more offended at some of the very negative attitudes that are being directed toward you here in this thread, than you are by the families that invited themselves to the party.

 

I felt that you were asking a simple question about party guest etiquette, and that you just wanted to see how others viewed your situation. Sure, you were venting a little, but who wouldn't be, if they were upset about something and needed to talk about it? I don't feel it was necessary for others to judge you so harshly, and I feel very badly for you about that, and I can't say I blame you for defending yourself when a few people seem to be portraying you as a selfish, mean mom.

 

Fortunately, most of the posts have been civil and haven't gotten personal, but I know it's hard to focus on those when a few have been so judgmental and unpleasant.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

 

 

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words, really. And I appreciate all the other moms who understood and were supportive.

Edited August 14, 2010 by justamouse

[Carpe Diem]

Parents are considered an intrusion for staying at a party in a private home (unless they discussed it with the host prior to the date.) An exception is when an activity at the party involves an element of danger such as a pool party, rock climbing, or horseback riding etc. In those situations parents are asked to stay or at least questioned on their plans and in some cases sign a waiver!

 

This thread has shown that there are different view depending on the area.

 

In our area it is customary that the parents of the guests provide transportation, but in another area the host is expected to drive all the children home after the party.

 

I generally don't like having birthday parties for all the work involved but I try to put on a happy face and do it for my kids every now and then! I hope that the party will not be too stressful for you.

[LND1218]

I have lots of thoughts from both sides, but basically it boils down to either you say something or you don't. If you don't, I think it's very easy to accommodate the parents. You get pizza for your family and boys.

 

Here is what I would do:

I wouldn't add more pizza - I would add cheap pasta and/or a green salad.

 

I don't know where you are getting pizza from, but when I am serving a party, I get it double sliced - in other words from 8 slices to 16. Or you can just cut it. This saves pizza. Kids who may only really want a half slice will often take a whole and waste some. It always stretches the pizza a little.

 

And I would tell the moms you planned pizza for the boys. And you make something like a pot of spaghetti or other cheap pasta dish that isn't as messy like rotini or penne if that's a concern and/or a green salad for the moms. This goes nicely with pizza and is cheap! I mean you can make a pound of pasta and sauce for $2.00. Once add meat and cheese is gets expensive. Keep is simple and cheap.

Just serve them separately. Or maybe some of the boys will want pasta and eat less pizza.

 

I don't know you plan for drinks but I would make it obvious there are mom drinks and kid drinks - you know pitchers of water for moms and juice boxes for kids.

 

(Honestly, I would do water for everyone. Maybe some lemonade but I like to keep it simple.)

[CAMom]

the bolded? You bet. But at least now I know why these parents act this way.

 

 

 

 

You're even more irritated because the majority of responders think it's socially acceptable to stay at a party with their kids?:confused: You asked about the etiquette. Most people responded that it's very common for parents to attend a birthday party with their kids even when the invitation is addressed directly to the child. I don't see how that can be irritating. It's obvious you disagree but to become irritated?:001_huh:

 

I guess "these parents act this way" because we're all a bunch of etiquette breaking neanderthals? ;)

 

I also don't get why this whole situation would make someone furious? That just seems so over reactive to me. I think you've gotten some really great suggestions on how to make the food stretch if you feel you simply must feed the parents. Personally, I'd like just throw out a pasta salad, a veggie tray and maybe some fruit to make the pizza stretch.

 

Now, I do agree that the one mom who said she's bringing her whole family is out of line! But each child being accompanied by one parent? I just don't see it.

 

I do sympathize with how exhausted your husband must be!:grouphug:

[southcarolinamom]

If it were me, I would say something like ,"You're planning to stay for both parties? Terrific! I'd love it if you could help me out by bringing a plate of XYZ food- or drinks - with you when you come. Thanks so much for helping me with the party!"

 

That way, you're not stuck with a large food bill, and you can have help in the kitchen. :001_smile:

[justamouse]

You're even more irritated because the majority of responders think it's socially acceptable to stay at a party with their kids?:confused: You asked about the etiquette. Most people responded that it's very common for parents to attend a birthday party with their kids even when the invitation is addressed directly to the child. I don't see how that can be irritating. It's obvious you disagree but to become irritated?:001_huh:

 

 

Yes, I asked about the etiquette, not about what moms do. Yes, irritated because now though I can plan a party, go through the time and expense, people think they are justified in breaching etiquette because they want to. Why send out invites? Why bother? Why have a party that is special, why not just have huge gatherings all the time? Why try to make one person feel special, when we can have big huge parties where people invite themselves? See how that breach of etiquette puts the hostess in a precarious position? That's why there IS etiquette. I asked, because I thought I did something wrong since I wasn't getting the desired response. Thankfully, I did it right, people just forgot how to be polite.

[CAMom]

Yes, I asked about the etiquette, not about what moms do. Yes, irritated because now though I can plan a party, go through the time and expense, people think they are justified in breaching etiquette because they want to. Why send out invites? Why bother? Why have a party that is special, why not just have huge gatherings all the time? Why try to make one person feel special, when we can have big huge parties where people invite themselves? See how that breach of etiquette puts the hostess in a precarious position? That's why there IS etiquette. I asked, because I thought I did something wrong since I wasn't getting the desired response. Thankfully, I did it right, people just forgot how to be polite.

 

I think the point is that the etiquette in this instance might not be as cut and dried as you think it is. I've never heard that it is a breach in etiquette for one parent to accompany their child to an event as an extra set of eyes. Never.

 

I guess I forgot how to be polite because I attended many parties with my kids when they were young in order to help keep an eye out, help serve cake, help clean up the piles of paper plates and wrapping paper, etc.:001_huh:

 

If we were talking about a more formal event I could understand the frustration. But aren't we talking a casual backyard pool party?

[justamouse]

I think the point is that the etiquette in this instance might not be as cut and dried as you think it is. I've never heard that it is a breach in etiquette for one parent to accompany their child to an event as an extra set of eyes. Never.

 

I guess I forgot how to be polite because I attended many parties with my kids when they were young in order to help keep an eye out, help serve cake, help clean up the piles of paper plates and wrapping paper, etc.:001_huh:

 

If we were talking about a more formal event I could understand the frustration. But aren't we talking a casual backyard pool party?

 

Etiquette is what MS Manners and Emily Post say. It's not as formal as it used to be (I don't know what a fish fork looks like), but it's there and has solid parameters for a reason. Casual for my child, yes, casual for me, no. There will be no paper plates for the adult party that evening, it isn't a backyard BBQ where my husband is manning the grill and we'll just throw a few more hotdogs and burgers on. For that I would have called instead of sending invitations in the mail. I wanted parameters on it for a reason, and as a hostess I shouldn't have to tell everyone my reasons. Do the invitations need to come with disclaimers?

 

If these had been more intimate friends I wouldn't have cared. But these are not those types of friends.

[kokotg]

I think the point is that the etiquette in this instance might not be as cut and dried as you think it is.

 

:iagree: As several people have pointed out, in some social circles (including mine) it would be considered rude to assume it was okay to drop a child off at a pool party without checking first. That's why I asked what the typical situation was amongst your friends. With my friends (and we're generally friends with other families rather than with individual kids) it is assumed that birthday parties will be whole family affairs. I'm not saying that this is somehow a superior way to do things, just that that's how it is. If I were to decide to depart from this custom, I would need to make it really clear that I was going to do so, or there would certainly be misunderstandings. That's why I was wondering how your social circle usually handles parties. Do the other kids who are invited always have drop off parties or do the parents usually stay?

 

I think something else that I'd need to evaluate before I decided someone had "forgotten how to be polite" is what his or her reason is for wanting to stay at the party. Because regardless of what Emily Post says, I do think intentions matter. Why do the parents want to stay? Is it because they're really hoping to score some free pizza? Since it would almost certainly be less work for them to drop their children off and leave, I'd be hesitant to assume ill intent. It would seem to me that they either think they'd be helping you out by providing more adult supervision or they have safety concerns because of the swimming.

[justamouse]

:iagree: As several people have pointed out, in some social circles (including mine) it would be considered rude to assume it was okay to drop a child off at a pool party without checking first. That's why I asked what the typical situation was amongst your friends. With my friends (and we're generally friends with other families rather than with individual kids) it is assumed that birthday parties will be whole family affairs. I'm not saying that this is somehow a superior way to do things, just that that's how it is. If I were to decide to depart from this custom, I would need to make it really clear that I was going to do so, or there would certainly be misunderstandings. That's why I was wondering how your social circle usually handles parties. Do the other kids who are invited always have drop off parties or do the parents usually stay?

 

I think something else that I'd need to evaluate before I decided someone had "forgotten how to be polite" is what his or her reason is for wanting to stay at the party. Because regardless of what Emily Post says, I do think intentions matter. Why do the parents want to stay? Is it because they're really hoping to score some free pizza? Since it would almost certainly be less work for them to drop their children off and leave, I'd be hesitant to assume ill intent. It would seem to me that they either think they'd be helping you out by providing more adult supervision or they have safety concerns because of the swimming.

 

You know what, I'm sure there is no ill intent. And yes, we are friends with many families and with them, this would not be a problem. But these are not those friends. These are cub scout acquaintances. home school acquaintances. Yes, I am closer to some than others, but my husband is friends with none of these people. Those people are coming over later in the evening for a more intimate dinner. I have many circles of friends, I'm the wife of a president of a company that has international accounts. I invite my banker over and I wouldn't expect him to bring his neighbor. When my banker invites me, I know not to bring my children unless he specifies. I invite our Chinese accounts over and though I don't mind that they take off their shoes, I know I will offend them if I ask that they leave their shoes on (even though I prefer for people to take their shoes off) but I want my guests to be comfortable. For me to be the best hostess I can be, I expect my guests to be the best guests they can be. This stuff was drummed into me as a child as my parents also entertained broadly.

[WeeBeaks]

Etiquette is what MS Manners and Emily Post say.

 

Etiquette (pronounced [,eti'ket]) is a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group. The French word étiquette, signifying ticket (of admission, etc.) first appeared in English in 1750.[1]

 

The above is wikipedia, which I can access while nak. ;) I think the sticking point on this thread is the conventional norms within the group, and I would add that I agree with those who are suggesting within a region as well. It matters very much what area of the country you are in and what your specific social circle does or does not do. So you alone have to decide what is the norm in your circle because we don't know that information for you. If the moms broke etiquette in your circle, then it was rude by your circle's standards. If they did not, then it wasn't. Again, you know that likely, not us. What do the other moms in your circle do? If you did something very different from the "usual" or "norm" in your area, it probably should have been made much clearer on the invite. Someone before me had some great suggestions for how to say it on the invites. I realize it is too late for that at this point.

 

HERE, it would be rude to drop off and run without offering to stay at a pool party type of thing, ONE parent though, no siblings, not eating the food unless specifically invited to do so by the hostess. In other circles, other areas of the country, and other countries, that obviously varies!

 

One mom I knew on a board stated in her area it was implied all sibs were invited and that was what families did in her area. That would be considered rude here, but not there. I'll make note in case I move there. ;)

[NanceXToo]

I just think that if a host has strong preferences or expectations, it is the host's responsibility to make their expectations perfectly clear when sending out an invitation. It should say "This is a drop off party" if they want to make sure they are keeping crowds down to a minimum. They should not assume that a parent will automatically know that they are unwelcome just because the invitation only had a child's name on it.

 

Based on this thread alone, something like 34 people feel it is perfectly acceptable and common for a parent to stay with their child and wouldn't be bothered by it, or would be surprised to hear otherwise. Compared to like 13 who think it is rude or poor etiquette. And then a handful who didn't indicate specifically one way or another how they personally felt about it, but who just offered advice on how to handle the situation from here- how to stretch the food, etc.

 

So doesn't that mean that it IS "generally assumed" that parents are welcome to stay at a kid's birthday party? I don't think that's rude or impolite or poor etiquette. It's obviously socially acceptable and/or expected by the majority of people. Most parents will always assume it is ok to stay with their children if they are more comfortable doing so, for any reason, and would never assume that it would NOT be ok.

 

But out of curiosity, I tried looking up "proper etiquette" for this situation alone. I found, on "Scholastic Parents," something that says:

 

"Birthday Party Etiquette FAQ's

Be a host or party-goer that Miss Post would approve of! Leading etiquette experts and parents who've been there solve sticky party dilemmas.

By Shama Narang

 

Want to be a host or party-goer that Miss Post would approve of? These are some of today's popular party dilemmas solved by leading etiquette experts and parents who've been there."

 

One of the "FAQ's" said: "My child's been invited to a party. Does that mean I'm invited too?"

 

The answer was:

 

"Ask! Chances are if the invitation doesn't say "and family," your presence is not needed unless it's a party for a child under 3. However, the best way to know ahead of time is to discuss it when you R.S.V.P. If your spouse will also attend, let the host know. The big no-no is bringing other siblings to the party without a direct invitation from the host. Unless you have an infant, it's not particularly polite to even ask the host if you can bring a younger sibling, but if you're stuck it's always better to discuss it rather than surprise her."

 

It does say your presence is not "needed," ...not that it is not welcome or rude or improper or what have you. It says the best way to know is to discuss it when you RSVP- well, your guest RSVP'd and did indicate that they planned to come, and if you didn't want them to, that was the time to say so: "Oh, well, actually, we planned on keeping this small and casual and keeping costs down, would you mind just dropping Johnny off and picking him up at 5 this time? We'll take good care of him."

 

It indicates that the major breach of etiquette is bringing along other uninvited children- siblings, etc.- (which I do agree with, by the way! When you plan for a certain number of children, you shouldn't get saddled with extra children to entertain, feed, and who might mess up the dynamic of the planned party etc).

 

But I still don't find it a breach of etiquette, rude, impolite, surprising or in any way bad that a parent might want to stick around and help monitor their kids.

 

The bottom line is you failed to make your expectations clear, and now you're upset about that, but going on about how furious you are at these people and how they've "forgotten to be polite" is just unwarranted. Their intent is either to help supervise their children's behavior and safety, or to make sure you don't find them rudely using you as a babysitting service when you didn't outright say "Hey, just drop them off and go!" Neither of which are impolite trains of thought.

[kalanamak]

I'm sure it was more of a misunderstanding than an intended rudeness.

 

To be honest, if I was told specifically that parents weren't welcome, I would seriously consider whether or not I would accept the invitation.

 

For 11 I would, for 7 I wouldn't. I could see some 11 year olds liking some time without older sis and toddler bro in tow.

 

And I'm sure they didn't mean to be rude. They probably feel so comfortable with you, it feels like a close friend's house. If all your chums feel this way, you might make them potluck in future, and supply balloons, cake and ice cream only. Just a thought.

[Trish]

But now I'm feeding 8 more people instead of the 4 extra boys. And 4 extra Adults. That takes it from 3 pizzas to 6 pizzas. It DOUBLES the size of the party.

 

Pretzels. Really. That's all adults want. And maybe a glass of water or pop. We truly don't want the pizza at a kid's party. Ugh. If you must, order ONE extra pizza, and I'll bet you end up with leftovers.

[Lovedtodeath]

I think the point is that the etiquette in this instance might not be as cut and dried as you think it is. I've never heard that it is a breach in etiquette for one parent to accompany their child to an event as an extra set of eyes. Never.

:iagree:

 

Do the invitations need to come with disclaimers?

It seems they should. If I ever have a party where kids are invited individually I will be sure to point it out clearly on the invitations. As it is we can invite 15 kids and end up with 3, so I am not too worried.

[justamouse]

The bottom line is you failed to make your expectations clear, and now you're upset about that, but going on about how furious you are at these people and how they've "forgotten to be polite" is just unwarranted.

 

round the bend we go and with this one I am done.

 

The invitation was TO THE CHILD. That, right there, if they read English, is saying my expectation. I did not fail to make them clear. If they had reservations or misunderstood, it's on THEM to clarify, my invitation was quite clear. What they did was not polite in any way shape or form. It's just not. Unwarranted? Pfft. If they were my kids I would pull them aside and red their ear with how to be polite. And I'll say it till the cows come home because apparently people forget these things. If this is the first time someone has encountered this situation, then let it be a lesson.

 

I'm not furious at them anymore. I am, quite dumbfounded as to this thread. I really never thought this thread would be one of THOSE threads.

[CAMom]

Etiquette is what MS Manners and Emily Post say. It's not as formal as it used to be (I don't know what a fish fork looks like), but it's there and has solid parameters for a reason. Casual for my child, yes, casual for me, no. There will be no paper plates for the adult party that evening, it isn't a backyard BBQ where my husband is manning the grill and we'll just throw a few more hotdogs and burgers on. For that I would have called instead of sending invitations in the mail. I wanted parameters on it for a reason, and as a hostess I shouldn't have to tell everyone my reasons. Do the invitations need to come with disclaimers?

 

If these had been more intimate friends I wouldn't have cared. But these are not those types of friends.

 

But these people aren't planning on staying for the evening party are they? Didn't you put on the invites that the pool party ends at a certain time? If they impose and stay into the next party then, yes, that would definitely be rude.

 

I know it's not a backyard bbq. Pizza is even more low maintenance than a bbq. Don't you just open the boxes and let people dig in?

 

I think everyone can understand you were taken off guard because your expectations were dashed but what most of us don't understand is why this would cause you to be FURIOUS. That just seems like such a strong emotion for what was a misunderstanding. You think it's poor etiquette but others do not.:confused:

[justamouse]

Etiquette (pronounced [,eti'ket]) is a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group. The French word étiquette, signifying ticket (of admission, etc.) first appeared in English in 1750.[1]

 

;)

 

I was being facetious, or lightly implying that there were rules for such occasions and I was looking to those rules as a guideline as to my expectations.

[Trish]

I don't know, I guess I'll just never see it your way or understand your thinking.

 

First, I have always addressed my children's party invitations to their friends, because that is who they are inviting. However, I've ALWAYS assumed that a parent might either drop them off or stick around to keep an eye on their kid/wait for their kid. I have NEVER considered parents unwelcome at my children's birthday parties- yet I still don't address the invitations to the "family" or word them to specifically invite the parents. I've never seen anyone do that. Same with any invitation my child has ever received.

 

About the food issue, sometimes I'll word the invitations to say something like "lunch will be provided for the kids" so the parents know that their children will be fed a meal, which also implies that it is ONLY the children I am feeding, even if the adults decide to stick around. But really it has never been an issue. Any party I've ever gone to where we parents stick around, we've just sat and chatted and did not expect to be fed, and did not just help ourselves to food. If someone came over and specifically said, "Hey, help yourselves, we've got plenty," that's a different story. But more often than not, that wasn't the way it happened. And nobody cared. Really. We KNEW it was the kids who were there to celebrate. We were just hanging out and keeping an eye on our kids.

 

You keep going back to how the parents weren't "invited" but I think you're missing the point that parents who decide to stay at a party to keep an eye on their kids just don't see themselves as "invited guests," and do NOT expect to be treated as such, which makes the "but they weren't specifically invited!" issue moot.

 

Many parents think it would be downright rude of them to just drop their children off and leave, having the hostess left to run the party, celebrate with her child, and supervise/monitor everyone else's children, too.

 

They either think they are doing you a favor/doing the right thing, or they think that they are helping to ensure their children's good behavior and safety by sticking around. Either way, they're not expecting you to treat them the same as the invited kids, and neither of those scenarios are a cause for the kind of angerness and bitterness I see in your thread. I would be so uncomfortable with a parent like you. It's actually baffling to me to think of someone reacting this way to my hanging around with my child at a birthday party, I've just never encountered this sort of attitude before. Ever. We'd likely just decline and stay home if I knew a parent felt as strongly about this as you do, because you would SERIOUSLY make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Since you are worried about/having trouble with the financial aspect of providing extra food, again: You are NOT obligated to buy food for them. They won't expect you to. But if YOUR way of thinking, personality, whatever the case may be won't allow you to think of it that way, then why don't you just call the parents up, and say "As you know, we're ordering some pizzas for the kids. If any of the adults who are sticking around would like to chip in toward an extra pie for themselves, let me know and I'll be happy to order it at the same time as I order the others."

 

Or go ahead and give them some potato chips and ice water and call it good, plenty of people have already reassured you that it's perfectly acceptable to do that.

 

But acting like you're forced to provide a meal and getting this angry about it? Wow. I don't get that.

 

I'd rather have a hostess who made me feel welcome to be with my children than a hostess who fed me pizza.

 

Just saying.

 

At the VERY least you should understand by this point that the parents who are staying are not doing it to be rude, and do not consider it rude, and are making a choice that is not only considered widely socially acceptable, but also actually polite in many circles. Since your viewpoint differs from a lot of other peoples, maybe next time you can just be much more specific in the wording of your invitation, and spare yourself the fury.

 

Well said. Plus, I'm wondering if OP's other children will be at this party? The 4 year old and 7 year old? Honest to goodness, they require an extra set of eyes at that age, and if any adult needs to get food or go to the bathroom that leaves only TWO sets of eyes on everyone. Really, it sounds like barely enough supervision as it is. I would WANT the extra parental eyes. Not sure why the food is such a HUGE issue (feed, don't feed, feed cheaply -- it all works!)

 

You do LIKE these people, don't you? Accept the extra help instead of viewing them as a burden. Put them to work serving the boys -- I just had a party with a bunch of 11-year-olds, and it's tough managing everything without extra help!

 

Couldn't we look at the glass as half full here?

[justamouse]

I think everyone can understand you were taken off guard because your expectations were dashed but what most of us don't understand is why this would cause you to be FURIOUS. That just seems like such a strong emotion for what was a misunderstanding. You think it's poor etiquette but others do not.:confused:

 

ONE parent I could handle. Four parents are a bit much. One parent, I could say, well, *shrug* what are you going to do? Four? What if I had invited 10 children? Should I plan for twenty people though I sent invitations for ten children? Where does it end? Again this is why there are those rules.

 

After all this, I can see why people cry that we are too informal. Because when it comes to a time of formality, no one knows what to do.

[Mom0012]

The bottom line is you failed to make your expectations clear, and now you're upset about that, but going on about how furious you are at these people and how they've "forgotten to be polite" is just unwarranted. Their intent is either to help supervise their children's behavior and safety, or to make sure you don't find them rudely using you as a babysitting service when you didn't outright say "Hey, just drop them off and go!" Neither of which are impolite trains of thought.

 

She's just venting on a message board. She's going to be polite and treat everyone who comes with the utmost courtesy. So what is everyone getting so crazy about? I guess all the people who do stay at parties with their children are offended that that might upset someone, but maybe in her area that isn't the norm. It isn't where I live so I would be quite flustered as well if I found out all the parents were going to attend.

 

Lisa

Edited August 14, 2010 by LisaTheresa

[Trish]

She's going to have to spend up to $100 on food. Where's the bright side in that?:confused: Admitting that the other parents meant no harm doesn't help the budget at all, nor the plans she had made to entertain a few boys at a pool party which now includes either ignoring parents hovering on the sidelines or involving them somehow. :confused:

 

Bag. Of. Chips.

 

Pitcher. Of. Icewater.

 

Honestly, have you never been in this situation? It's common, and easily resolved. And there are always safety issues when you have a bunch of kids in the pool. The more people keeping an eye on things, the better.

[Rebecca VA]

Every time I go to a social event with my child, I end up in deep discussion with the other parents and almost totally IGNORE my own child. In a situation where supervision is CRITICAL, it's not such a great thing for lots of parents to be sitting around chatting. Better for there to be fewer people in the pool area and one or two adults watching like hawks than for there to be many parents talking and no one keeping a close eye on the kids.

 

Justamouse, I do think you need to call or e-mail the attendees' parents and state your wishes clearly. You can be assertive and still be kind and friendly.

[Trish]

Great, now I'm not kind and choosing to be offended. You people.

 

What if I told you my husband has been working over 20 hours a day for the past few weeks? What if I told you that this Sunday was his only day off, and the party had been planned waaaay before his schedule went haywire. What if he loves his son too much to cancel the party, and really would rather hole up by himself and not watch kids by the pool and be forced to make party talk with their parents? Does THAT make a difference?

 

 

Indeed it does. Now, we not only have five (or 7, if we include your younger children?) who need supervision, but one of the supervising adults is tired as heck. More eyes on the kids would be even better in this situation.

 

But based on your stated expectations, if I were a parent I would receive this invitation for my son and say to myself, "well only HE is invited, clearly, so I can't come. It's a pool party, so that doesn't make me entirely comfortable, okay, he CAN'T go."

 

Presumably these are his good friends? You'd be okay with parents saying no to your party? You might get only one mother out of four comfortable in this situation, just leaving her child to be watched by others in the pool. (especially if one of the supervisors is a teen herself)

 

Or, my other option is to ask you, "is it okay if I come to keep an eye on things?" (thus making a pest of myself and someone who had to be "fed")

 

Or ignore my instincts and send my son anyway, because he didn't want to disappoint his friend on his birthday?

 

Three bad options, it seems!

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I don't know much about proper etiquette, obviously.

 

We run with other homeschoolers and we all consider it a true-blue lifestyle.

 

We do almost everything "family style." We only have one child, so we don't have a sibling issue, but if my son is invited somewhere, we all go (if dear spouse is available . . . one way to keep it down to one parent is to do something on a work day).

 

The people we hang with are also "family style" people. My son is 17. His friends range between 13 and 19 . . . whenever any of them invite him to an "event," we usually all go, or they all come here. We just do things that way.

 

Since he was a teeny tiny child, I've always addressed his birthday invitations to the children, because (in my experience) children love to get mail addressed to them. :001_smile: I never, in any way, was addressing those envelopes to exclude the parents or siblings. I. just. would. never.

 

Obviously my circle of friends is just . . . different. But we're lots of fun. :D

 

Now that my son and most of his friends are driving, they just leave us poor Moms in the dust more often than not these days. I miss those family style birthday parties, honestly.

[Caitilin]

Bag. Of. Chips.

 

Pitcher. Of. Icewater.

 

Honestly, have you never been in this situation? It's common, and easily resolved. And there are always safety issues when you have a bunch of kids in the pool. The more people keeping an eye on things, the better.

 

Yes, but what Justamouse has said, repeatedly, is that in her eyes, this is NOT behavior that's acceptable to her as hostess. She believes that it's her job as hostess to be every bit as courteous to the adults as to the invited children. She also believes (rightly, IMO) that it's her guests' job to be as courteous to her as she will be to them. And this is where it's all fallen apart for her. The adults are assuming that they are de facto invitees, when in fact they're little more than party-crashers at this party.

 

This is not to say that one cannot feel differently about the scenario, but how can any of us really argue with Justamouse's feelings about it? The fact that you or I might do things differently, or expect different things from the party does not alter the fact that she was planning on one thing, and instead got the very thing she didn't want. I think she's justified in feeling irritated, and venting (to non-guests) on this board. I am certain she will be a genuinely delightful hostess when the time comes.

[kalanamak]

Etiquette is what MS Manners and Emily Post say. It's not as formal as it used to be (I don't know what a fish fork looks like), but it's there and has solid parameters for a reason.

 

Well, it is all well and good to be correct, but when in Rome do as the Romans. You are more likely to get what you want that way.

 

:grouphug: You'll know better next time, hope you figure out how to stretch your food, etc.

 

Personally, I'm overjoyed ANYone RSVPS, shows up, and is on time!!

[Trish]

Yes, but what Justamouse has said, repeatedly, is that in her eyes, this is NOT behavior that's acceptable to her as hostess. She believes that it's her job as hostess to be every bit as courteous to the adults as to the invited children. She also believes (rightly, IMO) that it's her guests' job to be as courteous to her as she will be to them. And this is where it's all fallen apart for her. The adults are assuming that they are de facto invitees, when in fact they're little more than party-crashers at this party.

 

Well it's a parent's JOB to see to the safety of their children. Those feelings are as important as the feelings of a hostess who feels she MUST provide a certain level of food to parents who probably just want to make sure all goes well in the pool.

 

Why assume all four sets of parents will be okay with an unspecified "pool party" situation? Basically that IS the assumption if the party is going to be that small.

 

I just don't see the need to treat pool party parents like Chinese Diplomats. And then blame them for having the nerve to expect to be treated like "party guests."

 

Maybe because here in Florida unfortunately I'm always reading about kids drowning in backyard pools, even while "supervised" I'm overly sensitive to the safety issue.

 

She can feel however she wants to about it, but so can the parents of the boys. I'm glad in this situation "etiquette is being violated" and there will be more supervision, not less.

 

Especially because the supervisors seem to be: one teen-aged daughter, one tired husband, and one frazzled hostess who has planned two parties on one day. That's WAY too much to have on your mind.

 

I wonder if perhaps Party #2 is contributing to the stress of this situation?

[Lovedtodeath]

 

I am, quite dumbfounded as to this thread. I really never thought this thread would be one of THOSE threads.

:iagree:DH couldn't believe it. I then went on to tell him about the shoe thread.

[Renthead Mommy]

Bag. Of. Chips.

 

Pitcher. Of. Icewater.

 

Honestly, have you never been in this situation? It's common, and easily resolved. And there are always safety issues when you have a bunch of kids in the pool. The more people keeping an eye on things, the better.

 

So she, her husband and kids are suppose to eat pizza right in front of these other, not to be feed adults? This is the family's lunch. Of course she has to feed the party crashers. And she can't change the menu or find cheaper pizza. The pizza was requested by her son, and it's a special meal.

 

And since my son had been 5 I've always written out his invitations to the child or the family depending on who is invited.

[JFSinIL]

I had a different situation once. I had a birthday party for my youngest dd, about age 11. Had several age-appropriate crafts/games/snacks planned.

 

She invited her best friend. Friend came. Dad was dropping off. He INSISTED her younger sister stay, too. This sister, although a couple years younger, was (and still is) taller than most other kids. So she looks older, even. My dd was fine with her staying, so ok. Then, the dad told me that the youngest - a two-year-old toddler - had to stay.

 

I said NO! I also explained that I was not toddler-proof anymore, and had no age-appropriate stuff for the baby, PLUS I was going to be too busy with the party to watch a toddler!

 

He phoned 20 minutes later, as the party is starting to hop, to say that the little girl was crying to be at the party and so he needed to bring her. I again told him NO!!!

 

This dad was just trying to get out of watching his own kid (the mom was at work). I mean, c'mon!!!!!

[Rebecca VA]

I was thinking about this thread overnight (I had insomnia), and I want to state, again, that the OP really should contact these families and let her wishes about the party be known, in a friendly way.

 

She didn't establish boundaries in her party invitation, and that's a shame, but it's not too late to do it now. The party-crashers are pushing their way into a boy's birthday gathering that was intended to be small and private. They're causing stress to the hostess. Their presence is likely to make things MORE unsafe because there will be more people socializing. The hostess will have to entertain the adults instead of giving her full attention to the boys and their needs.

 

She only invited the boys to the party. She knew how much she could reasonably handle. Parents who really wanted to attend should have ASKED her if they would be welcome instead of just announcing that they were coming.

 

Since she's obviously very stressed, it's also possible that she will inadvertently make a snarky comment at the party or even just look frazzled and unhappy. That would be more friendship-damaging than just being pleasantly assertive up front.

[2squared]

I read most of the replies. I would be annoyed at the other parents. My oldest is only 8yo, but I don't expect other parents to hang around when she has playmates over - regardless of the activities. My 8yo went swimming at someone's house yesterday, and I didn't invite myself and the younger sibs to hang around. That would have been rude. If I didn't want her swimming without me, I would have said "no" to the playdate. Already at 8yo, I don't expect that I am invited everywhere my dd is. Maybe families with fewer children have different expectations? Is that the difference? Anyway, by 11yo I would expect parties to be kids only.

 

Anyway, I'm with the OP. I wouldn't be FURIOUS, but I would be upset. But, then, I would get on the phone and solve the problem. You can do it, OP!!

[Mimm]

Ok, I haven't read this whole thread (and maybe I shouldn't get involved in a heated thread at the last minute) but are eleven year olds different where you people are from? :confused: Why in the world would an eleven year old need to be SO closely supervised in a backyard pool that three adults would be inadequate to the task? Is this pool filled with sharks or something?

 

I would feel comfortable dropping my nine year old off at a trusted adults backyard for a swimming party. In fact, I'll be doing just that in a couple weeks, and she'll be spending the night afterward. My name was not on the invitation and I assume I am not invited to this swimming/sleepover party. Nor do I have any interest in attending. She'll have a blast though and she's very excited.

 

Planning a party is stressful and when people just bring extra people, it's frustrating. We had a skating party for my nine year old in April and we invited 8 kids. Two kids showed up who did not RSVP (so I had planned on them not being there). Most kids got dropped off by parents, but one mom showed up with her other three girls in tow saying that her husband couldn't watch them today. I was left scrambling to make sure we had more ice cream and plates and soda (provided by the rink and based on your guest list). The real kick in the teeth was when, only a few weeks ago, my seven year old received an invitation to this same child's birthday party. My nine year old was very upset, having invited this girl to her birthday party and not received an invite in return, even after we welcomed her uninvited sisters to the party. We declined to attend.

[Lovedtodeath]

 

Ok, I haven't read this whole thread (and maybe I shouldn't get involved in a heated thread at the last minute) but are eleven year olds different where you people are from? :confused: Why in the world would an eleven year old need to be SO closely supervised in a backyard pool that three adults would be inadequate to the task? Is this pool filled with sharks or something?

I thought the same thing, but obviously kept silent on that point. High Five!

[Catwoman]

I really never thought this thread would be one of THOSE threads.

 

Be proud! You've started your first trainwreck thread! ;)

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Why in the world would an eleven year old need to be SO closely supervised in a backyard pool that three adults would be inadequate to the task? Is this pool filled with sharks or something?

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Come to think of it, she probably should have mentioned the sharks on the invitations... and the piranhas... ;)

 

Cat

Edited August 14, 2010 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

I had a different situation once. I had a birthday party for my youngest dd, about age 11. Had several age-appropriate crafts/games/snacks planned.

 

She invited her best friend. Friend came. Dad was dropping off. He INSISTED her younger sister stay, too. This sister, although a couple years younger, was (and still is) taller than most other kids. So she looks older, even. My dd was fine with her staying, so ok. Then, the dad told me that the youngest - a two-year-old toddler - had to stay.

 

I said NO! I also explained that I was not toddler-proof anymore, and had no age-appropriate stuff for the baby, PLUS I was going to be too busy with the party to watch a toddler!

 

He phoned 20 minutes later, as the party is starting to hop, to say that the little girl was crying to be at the party and so he needed to bring her. I again told him NO!!!

 

This dad was just trying to get out of watching his own kid (the mom was at work). I mean, c'mon!!!!!

 

:ack2:

 

I'm so glad to hear you stuck to your guns and continued to say no to that jerk! What nerve!!!

 

And if he'd gotten away with it, he probably would have shown up an hour late to pick them all up -- unless his wife was already home from work by then. :glare:

 

Cat

[kalanamak]

Why in the world would an eleven year old need to be SO closely supervised in a backyard pool that three adults would be inadequate to the task? Is this pool filled with sharks or something?

 

 

I am very sensitive to my son behaving. Perhaps a parent does not trust the child alone?