Weird or not? Dress code at dd's friend's house...

[Nestof3]

You know, I wouldn't be able to ask others to dress a certain way at my house, but that wouldn't keep me from wishing they did.

[Nakia]

Well stated, SapphireStitch.

 

:iagree:

[Parrothead]

I know that ;) I'm just saying that it can be done tastefully and with no exposure as well. One ultra conservative mennonite friend (though liberal by her community's standards) used to buy t-shirts (not white!) and coverall shorts for her girls to have as swimwear.

Well, I was wondering. :lol:

 

(There maybe others that don't. I can't imagine who, still you never know.)

 

 

 

You'll have to excuse me. I'm functioning on 4 hours of sleep. I really want to stay out of this discussion, but find the whole thing fascinating.

[Mrs Mungo]

This topic is near and not-terribly-dear to my heart lately because of some things our family has been through. Some thoughts, in bullet point form because I think better that way. :)

 

• Galatians 3:2-3 says "This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" Paul was writing to Christians who believed they were saved by faith, but were relying on works and man-made rules to continue in their walk with Christ. IOW, legalism is not confined to salvation issues.

 

• In our family we talk to our kids A LOT about "God's rules" versus "family rules" and "family choices". For instance, my DS can't ride his bike outside of our neighborhood by himself; that's a family rule. We homeschool, that's a family choice. Neither of those issues are covered in the Bible, we can't impose those rules on other people no matter how sensible or wonderful we may think the rules are.

 

• Requiring certain apparel of our friends is imposing our family's rules on another person. We certainly have the right to choose not to invite people who we believe would be a terrible influence on our children. If the OP's friends have children who are going to be so easily stumbled by the sight of her daughter in a tankini, then they should not invite the daughter over...or perhaps only invite her for non-swimming activities.

 

• My personal opinion is that tankinis are often a lot more modest than one-piece suits, and from the OP's description her daughter's tankini sounds quite modest. My opinion really doesn't matter, though, because I don't make the rules for her kids.

 

• We know a family with lakefront property who only allow teens to engage in "mixed bathing" if all parties are dressed in street clothes. IOW, shorts and t-shirts or blouses. My DH finds this rule quite amusing; he says most teenage boys would find it more exciting to see a girl in a wet top and shorts over her undies rather than in a modest lycra swim suit that holds everything firmly in place.

 

• Friends can explain their family rules and choices to others, can offer kind constructive criticism of others' family rules IF ASKED. They cannot impose their rules on their friends.

 

Excellent post, I totally agree.

 

• I am probably not as unbiased as I should be about this issue because we just made the decision to leave a church over issues relating to God's rules versus family rules. One of my children was being held accountable by church leadership for disobeying rules that we believe fall in the category of family rules. It goes beyond that, even, but I don't want to give more details in a public forum.

 

I really don't understand what is going on with churches these days. It makes me sad.

[FaithManor]

I think everyone misunderstood me. I didn't mean that the youth group kids were to wear a t-shirt in place of a swimsuit or swim top. It was to be worn over one. This was due to an event in which one of the girls, swimming in what appeared to be a reasonable bathing suit, discovered much to her dismay upon surfacing from the water, that her swim top had stretched quite a lot (happens and especially with low quality fabric), and her booKs were out for everyone to see. Additionally, the youth pastor felt that it was a good standard for the boys since some of the ones that liked to work out would really try to draw a large amount of attention to their pecks and what not. He wanted good clean fun, not a beauty/body pageant from either gender.

 

So again, it isn't a wet tee shirt contest. The bathing suit is supposed to be worn underneath the shirt.

 

Faith

[Aggie]

The phone thing....I can see this being taken out of context. The mom may call her friend every day and tells the son that's what good friends do.

 

Or maybe the mom never said anything of the sort and the son is manipulative.

[mommaduck]

Well, I was wondering. :lol:

 

(There maybe others that don't. I can't imagine who, but you never know.)

 

 

 

You'll have to excuse me. I'm functioning on 4 hours of sleep.

 

Yeah, and my day was a royal headache LOL! So I may not have come off well in my initial post on this thread.

[Parrothead]

Yeah, and my day was a royal headache LOL! So I may not have come off well in my initial post on this thread.

How many years has it been? It is a good thing we each know where the other is coming from. :lol:

[Nakia]

I think everyone misunderstood me. I didn't mean that the youth group kids were to wear a t-shirt in place of a swimsuit or swim top. It was to be worn over one. This was due to an event in which one of the girls, swimming in what appeared to be a reasonable bathing suit, discovered much to her dismay upon surfacing from the water, that her swim top had stretched quite a lot (happens and especially with low quality fabric), and her booKs were out for everyone to see. Additionally, the youth pastor felt that it was a good standard for the boys since some of the ones that liked to work out would really try to draw a large amount of attention to their pecks and what not. He wanted good clean fun, not a beauty/body pageant from either gender.

 

So again, it isn't a wet tee shirt contest. The bathing suit is supposed to be worn underneath the shirt.

 

Faith

 

Oh, I understood they weren't having a wet t-shirt contest at youth group, but I just don't think it's more modest to wear a t-shirt over a bathing suit than just a plain bathing suit. When a t-shirt gets wet, it sticks to everything and is pretty revealing. That's all I meant.

[jetzmama]

Sounds like it would be worth having a cup of coffee with mom a few times to try to understand her perspective better. There may be more than meets the eye here.... usually is;).

[mommaduck]

How many years has it been? It is a good thing we each know where the other is coming from. :lol:

I really do think that knowing each other for so long helps ;) I need a rum & coke :tongue_smilie::chillpill:

[mycalling]

The phone thing....I can see this being taken out of context. The mom may call her friend every day and tells the son that's what good friends do.

 

Or maybe the mom never said anything of the sort and the son is manipulative.

:iagree:I agree with others about sitting down and discussing things. I'd hate for other parents to take my dsd's words at face value...especially trying to relay dh's or my words. She doesn't understand changing a word or two changes the entire meaning.

[gsanmb]

Hmmm.

 

If y'all will forgive me for sticking my $.02 in -- I think there are actually a few different things going on here.

 

1) Phone call thing -- oddity.

 

2) Autonomy over setting family rules (my pool, my rules) -- why not? The issue isn't the setting of them really, but the -- err -- lack of grace/respect with which this was communicated. It would be the same for any other issue; it comes down to being a graceful hostess vs. coming off as abrasive and demeaning.

 

3) The actual rules -- modesty. Coming from a faith tradition that values the quality of modesty (not only sartorial, but also in comportment and behavior), and one in which these values do have the status of 'law' I may have a different perspective. In any event, in our homes we would not host mixed swimming with kids over the age of 12 or so (and never mixed adult swimming). The value of 'guarding the eyes' applies to men and women equally, and is not due to a devaluation or shame of the body but rather an appreciation of its beauty and the understanding that there are strong boundaries between what should be 'public' and what should be 'private.' Boys and men (and girls and women) are not raised to think of each others' bodies as icky or in any way shameful -- quite the opposite; they are to be regarded as a gift from G-d and treated as such.

 

I don't think this is a denial of normal impulses; to the contrary, normal impulses are the reason we try and remain conscious of drawing boundaries so that others perceive us not just for our physicality but also our inner qualities. Although boys and girls generally don't interact much socially during the teen years, they court and marry successfully and our communities thrive with many children and couples at ease with each other.

 

I don't know if I'm expressing this adequately or if it will come off as weird. :001_unsure:

 

I suppose the gist is that I don't think it's necessary to brand those who adhere to certain standards of modesty (whether they're more stringent or lax than one's own) as ashamed/whacked/deranged/twisted etc. or somehow doing their children a disservice.

 

I do, however, think that social grace compels a person to be -- well, gracious! -- about how those standards are applied to others in one's home. No matter what the issue, really.

[Alenee]

Hmmm.

 

If y'all will forgive me for sticking my $.02 in -- I think there are actually a few different things going on here.

 

1) Phone call thing -- oddity.

 

2) Autonomy over setting family rules (my pool, my rules) -- why not? The issue isn't the setting of them really, but the -- err -- lack of grace/respect with which this was communicated. It would be the same for any other issue; it comes down to being a graceful hostess vs. coming off as abrasive and demeaning.

 

3) The actual rules -- modesty. Coming from a faith tradition that values the quality of modesty (not only sartorial, but also in comportment and behavior), and one in which these values do have the status of 'law' I may have a different perspective. In any event, in our homes we would not host mixed swimming with kids over the age of 12 or so (and never mixed adult swimming). The value of 'guarding the eyes' applies to men and women equally, and is not due to a devaluation or shame of the body but rather an appreciation of its beauty and the understanding that there are strong boundaries between what should be 'public' and what should be 'private.' Boys and men (and girls and women) are not raised to think of each others' bodies as icky or in any way shameful -- quite the opposite; they are to be regarded as a gift from G-d and treated as such.

 

I don't think this is a denial of normal impulses; to the contrary, normal impulses are the reason we try and remain conscious of drawing boundaries so that others perceive us not just for our physicality but also our inner qualities. Although boys and girls generally don't interact much socially during the teen years, they court and marry successfully and our communities thrive with many children and couples at ease with each other.

 

I don't know if I'm expressing this adequately or if it will come off as weird. :001_unsure:

 

I suppose the gist is that I don't think it's necessary to brand those who adhere to certain standards of modesty (whether they're more stringent or lax than one's own) as ashamed/whacked/deranged/twisted etc. or somehow doing their children a disservice.

 

I do, however, think that social grace compels a person to be -- well, gracious! -- about how those standards are applied to others in one's home. No matter what the issue, really.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself and didn't! Nice job!

[Peela]

I haven't read all the thread but as a secular person...yes, I find the rules over the top...but I would accomodate them, let dd know how I feel about them, discuss it with her...check she still wants to go over there...and just deal with it. I would make sure she didnt feel any shame about her own body, or her own standards as well.

Maybe the OP felt offended that the other mother felt her own Christian based morals and standards were not high enough for her, and took that a bit personally?

As a non Christian...I would just accept other people's standards and either play with them or not. Yes, it seems awfully over the top but the world is made up of all types. I am personally of the other extreme and have no problem with nudity at all...do not find it shameful...but would not expect others to share my views, even in my own home.

[waa510]

I could maybe understand if the mother had addressed this with you (once) in a private, respectful, mother-to-mother discussion. I don't think the mother had any right to address this with your daughter.

 

The shaming and the lack of boundaries in that home sound just awful, and I wouldn't let my daughter be subjected to all that negativity anymore.

 

 

:iagree:I didn't read all of the responses, but I agree that the conversation was not something that should have taken place between her and your daughter, but the mother and yourself. I feel it could have been a really awkward, confusing and shameful event for your daughter to have this adult tell her she doesn't dress modestly enough, and to 'spell out the rules' to her. It's inappropriate to me simply because it was demanded and not politely and privately requested. Plus, the "true friends" comment just irks me. Weird.:001_huh:

[ShutterBug]

Sorry, my house, my rules :) .

 

If I had a pool and teenagers I'd absolutely, positively have rules for what could and couldn't be worn. A tankini may in certain instances be more modest than a two piece, but if the rule is no two pieces, then guess what, no two pieces. If the one piece was that immodest or ill fitting then I'd provide a dark colored t shirt to wear over it.

 

When ds is older and if a friend shows up in a shirt that is too low cut or has distasteful words or imagery on it they'll be asked to change and not wear similar clothing in my home again.

 

If ds visits a home that has rules (for religious, cultural or whatever reasons), he'll be expected to follow them as well and you'll hear no whining from me.

 

I wonder if the folks who have had a negative reaction here would react the same if their dc was visiting a friend who had certain rules or customs that needed to be followed because they were of a faith or culture different from Christianity. I have an inkling that it would suddenly be o.k. and looked at as being "respectful" of their faith, culture or whatever.

 

:glare:

 

P.S. - With regards to the whole wet t shirt issue....wet t shirt contests are conducted WITHOUT a bra or bathing suit underneath for a reason. Wearing a darker colored tee over a swimsuit is an entirely different animal and I find the comparison of the two ludicrous.

Edited August 3, 2010 by ShutterBug

[Mrs Mungo]

I wonder if the folks who have had a negative reaction here would react the same if their dc was visiting a friend who had certain rules or customs that needed to be followed because they were of a faith or culture different from Christianity. I have an inkling that it would suddenly be o.k. and looked at as being "respectful" of their faith, culture or whatever.

 

 

Many of us who thought the mom was out of line (for a variety of reasons), to include the OP, *are* Christians. What is your point?

[Pongo]

You're not, but plenty of people in this thread are, LOL. I find it sorta interesting that people are so, uh, judgmental about this family's personal decisions and perceived judgmentalism. Most of us posting are somewhat judgmental if we're honest. I'm surprised at how harsh some are being for a family that's probably doing what they believe is best for their children and God.

 

I am looking at the opposite. I would be MORE offended if they said, tight clothes only, and no swimming unless you had on a 2-piece bathing suit in my pool. That I would find offensive. I find what they are doing as trying to protect their son, in their home which I think they have every right to do. I don't see it at all as legalism. I think one should wonder why they would be so upset about something so mild. It's not wrong, or s#xual. It's a mom and dad that understand the lust that boys, at even younger ages than 13 have in their hearts. They want to keep their home separate from that, I think it's great.:) Kids grow up and are exposed to this despite our attempts to protect them. Isn't that kinda what we do by homeschooling. I appreciate that their are parents that are parenting, and protecting not just their son, but my daughter from being in a teens boys fantasy. I just don't see the negative affects of this.JMHO

Edited August 3, 2010 by Pongo

[ShutterBug]

Many of us who thought the mom was out of line (for a variety of reasons), to include the OP, *are* Christians. What is your point?

 

My point is that many people (even Christians themselves) are more open and willing (eager even) to respect and abide by the rules and customs of other families as long as it's not a Christian family (because then it's just legalistic, oppressive and not "Christ like".).

[Brenda in FL]

If your daughter doesn't mind the "rules" and desires the friendship - then I wouldn't make a big fuss over it. I'd think it a little odd especially with the "not allowed" phrasing. But I can also appreciate her concern for her children. Typically, if I know a family has higher standards of modesty than we do - we abide by their standard when we enter their home.

[Mrs Mungo]

My point is that many people (even Christians themselves) are more open and willing (eager even) to respect the rules, customs of other families as long as it's not a Christian family (because then it's just legalistic, oppressive and not "Christ like".).

 

In terms of what? I have friends who are vegetarians or Jewish and so don't eat pork. When they come to my house for dinner, I would make something meat/pork-free in order to accommodate them. If our children were going on a picnic together and my child was chided for bringing a ham sandwich and received specific instructions on proper food for the next time, then we probably would not hang out anymore. Same thing.

[Lolly]

Homeschooling family?

 

Wonder if they read this forum?

 

Could get messy, posting this on here.

 

This is what I was wondering. It seems like it wasn't that long ago that we had a big thread about a family with a pool who wanted to impose rules about what types of suits visitors wore because of their moral standards in clothing. When it was up, almost every single poster agreed that the family had the right to insist on one piece suits and/or t-shirts on the guest swimmers.

[ereks mom]

YOU get to choose the standards for YOUR home and YOUR family. They get to choose the standards for theirs. ("standards" does not mean higher or lower, just different...principle is the same, modest and decently dressed, application is different, her choices vs your choices)

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I agree, Their pool, their rules. AND their home, their rules. That being said, I also believe, your dd, your rules. You are your dd's parent. If you don't like THEIR rules for their pool and their home, then your dd should follow YOUR rules and not go.

[MissKNG]

(MissKNG wonders when the moderators are going to close this beaten horse!!)

[Sue G in PA]

Geesh...never expected it to get this long! :tongue_smilie: Thanks for all the opinions. There is never a lack of them on this board, huh? :) Well, I do apologize for coming across as judgemental. It was. I went out walking with the Mom tonight..to try and get to know her better. We are different...and we are different in our parenting, standards, rules, etc. That's it. I have friends who are extremely opposite of me (including an Amish woman whom I adore) but who do not make me feel so "judged" for my choices or the way I parent or do not parent. I guess part of me was just feeling "spiteful" and felt like dishing out some of that same judgement. Bad call. I'm sorry. Long day for me, too. I will, in the future, take a :chillpill: before I post. I still can't get over that "creepy" feeling but my dd loves her dd and so...what can I do? Anyway, fwiw I now agree with the "my pool, my rules" thing. And I get it. I guess I should have seen it coming b/c she will not let her dd11 come to our house b/c we have "so many boys". :001_huh: All 12 and under, btw..but this woman has some issues with boys/men that I won't get into. And also, fwiw...she is not on this board. But that doesn't matter. I was wrong to be so judgemental. People think we are weird b/c we don't eat pork products, homeschool, don't use artificial sweeteners, leave our family size to the Lord and well, so many other things I can't count. Most of all...I hope I didn't offend anyone here....especially you, MommaDuck...I've never thought you or your family "weird" or "odd" or anything like that. I'm sorry.

[milovany]

I'm sorry.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think it's cool you went out for a walk with her tonight. I know some people who feel like if you do things differently from them it's a judgment on them -- it's actually easy to be on both the giving and the receiving end of that, you know? Obviously if we have a conviction about something, we think it's the right thing to do. And people know that. Because it's true about themselves, too, if that makes sense.

 

The hard part is the whole "let's let others deal with themselves before God" thing -- I struggle with this and am sure others do too.

 

:grouphug:

Edited August 3, 2010 by milovaný

[NavyWifeandMommy]

Maybe just stop swimming in their pool. My daughter has tankini and I bought two of the same in different sizes. It's frusterating but it's the only way to get a suit to fit her properly. One peices go up her butt after what seems a month of buying it (she's growing like a weed recently), one size tankini is small on bottem but right on top and vise versa with the other size.

I would limit time spent maybe more of a public meeting place if the friendship is wanted to be continued. Make a plan to visit a museaum or something.

Back to clothes. I don't send anyone home due to their close but my children know or are learning that we don't dress like that. We we live conservitive is out the window and shopping is extreamly limited. I do send home due to behavior and tell either walk them home or call the parent.

[Nakia]

P.S. - With regards to the whole wet t shirt issue....wet t shirt contests are conducted WITHOUT a bra or bathing suit underneath for a reason. Wearing a darker colored tee over a swimsuit is an entirely different animal and I find the comparison of the two ludicrous.

 

Yeah, well, I've been called worse than ludicrous. I know how a wet t-shirt contest works, and I also know that anyone who gets in a pool with a t-shirt on it going to get out with it looking like it was painted on their body. And that is not my idea of modest. But whatever. This horse has been beaten to death.

[KnitWit]

This topic is near and not-terribly-dear to my heart lately because of some things our family has been through. Some thoughts, in bullet point form because I think better that way. :)

 

• Galatians 3:2-3 says "This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" Paul was writing to Christians who believed they were saved by faith, but were relying on works and man-made rules to continue in their walk with Christ. IOW, legalism is not confined to salvation issues.

 

• In our family we talk to our kids A LOT about "God's rules" versus "family rules" and "family choices". For instance, my DS can't ride his bike outside of our neighborhood by himself; that's a family rule. We homeschool, that's a family choice. Neither of those issues are covered in the Bible, we can't impose those rules on other people no matter how sensible or wonderful we may think the rules are.

 

• Requiring certain apparel of our friends is imposing our family's rules on another person. We certainly have the right to choose not to invite people who we believe would be a terrible influence on our children. If the OP's friends have children who are going to be so easily stumbled by the sight of her daughter in a tankini, then they should not invite the daughter over...or perhaps only invite her for non-swimming activities.

 

• My personal opinion is that tankinis are often a lot more modest than one-piece suits, and from the OP's description her daughter's tankini sounds quite modest. My opinion really doesn't matter, though, because I don't make the rules for her kids.

 

• We know a family with lakefront property who only allow teens to engage in "mixed bathing" if all parties are dressed in street clothes. IOW, shorts and t-shirts or blouses. My DH finds this rule quite amusing; he says most teenage boys would find it more exciting to see a girl in a wet top and shorts over her undies rather than in a modest lycra swim suit that holds everything firmly in place.

 

• Friends can explain their family rules and choices to others, can offer kind constructive criticism of others' family rules IF ASKED. They cannot impose their rules on their friends.

 

• I am probably not as unbiased as I should be about this issue because we just made the decision to leave a church over issues relating to God's rules versus family rules. One of my children was being held accountable by church leadership for disobeying rules that we believe fall in the category of family rules. It goes beyond that, even, but I don't want to give more details in a public forum.

 

I agree with this.

 

Editing to add...we would respect their rules. We just wouldn't go. :)

Edited August 3, 2010 by MSPolly

[Jenn in Mo]

I certainly don't think she should have approached your daughter, however. I can't imagine treating one of my children's friends that way.

 

I keep seeing this referred to as some sort of confrontation or chiding. Could it not have been a casual invitation with the caveat that no two-pieces were allowed in the pool? "Hey darlin', we'd love to have you join us for a pool party tomorrow! We have a no two-piece rule though, so be sure to where a one piece or a cover-up. See ya soon!"

 

It doesn't seem to have made the daughter feel unwelcome so I'm not gathering where the assumption is that the mom 'called her out' for her dress code.

 

All of this aside, if there is any skeeve-meter going off, there doesn't have to be a good reason to let that friendship die a quick death. Mom instinct needs no logic so I vote for bowing out gracefully.

[ma23peas]

No big deal...really. They are entitled to their beliefs/rules...I think somehow you might have taken a little offense that she's passing judgment on you being a 'loose' parent when really you are more conservative than the bulk of humanity...she's not...she's just not willing to give up their strongly held beliefs. I think it's wonderful that your daughter is still wanting to be a friend to her and respects their house rules..what a wondeful girl!

 

While you may not understand it and think it loony...either abide by it or stop their friendship...in my book you can never have too many good friends..

 

A little cynical side in me thinks that sometimes when people go to extremes there could have been 'abuse' by a family member/friend etc. and they were led to believe they led it on...I'm sure this is not the case in your situation..but one never knows...so I just go for be a loving neighbor and respect their rules.

 

Tara

[Erica in PA]

Oh, I understood they weren't having a wet t-shirt contest at youth group, but I just don't think it's more modest to wear a t-shirt over a bathing suit than just a plain bathing suit. When a t-shirt gets wet, it sticks to everything and is pretty revealing. That's all I meant.

 

But if the tshirt is over the bathing suit, all it can reveal when sopping wet is the bathing suit. That's not very revealing, imo. And when the suit isn't sopping wet, it covers a lot. So I'd say that wearing a tshirt over a one piece is a pretty modest way to go!

[MissKNG]

(MissKNG wonders when the moderators are going to close this beaten horse!!)

 

:iagree: How is this as weird?? I'm agreeing with myself!!

 

 

:w00t:

[KnitWit]

I see no need for the thread to be closed.

 

Sue, I'm very glad you got to walk and talk with her. :) It's always good to be able to understand where others are coming from, whether we agree with them or not. That said, you can still make a choice for *your* family. :)

Edited August 3, 2010 by MSPolly
sounded snarky

[MissKNG]

I see no need for the thread to be closed.

 

 

Oh! You changed your post before I could respond...

 

I was trying to lighten the mood! And mods often close threads when the horse has been beaten over and over. Or when people get heated (someone mentioned name calling) .

Edited August 3, 2010 by MissKNG

[PineFarmMom]

I have an idea. I don't equate super-modesty as "respect for one's body". I don't equate attractiveness, including sexual in teens, as "undue stress". I think the level of denial of normal biology in the family depicted in the OP is pathological. And counter-productive.

 

 

 

That is ridiculous!! I find it more troublesome to see someone make an unfair psychological evaluation of a parent just because they don't share one's viewpoint. I don't think I saw anything about "super modesty" in the OP. The mom has rules for the pool in HER OWN BACKYARD!!

[PineFarmMom]

• In our family we talk to our kids A LOT about "God's rules" versus "family rules" and "family choices". For instance, my DS can't ride his bike outside of our neighborhood by himself; that's a family rule. We homeschool, that's a family choice. Neither of those issues are covered in the Bible, we can't impose those rules on other people no matter how sensible or wonderful we may think the rules are.

 

.

 

That's funny. This must be the topic for discussion with teens. Dd and I talk about this a lot. She is allowed to listen to some music that her friends aren't allowed to listen to. We're more strict in some areas than some of her friends while less so in other areas. It all has boiled down to family rules. We have a few friends that get a little confused on the issue, thinking that everyone who doesn't do it their way are not raising their children Biblically. Dd is now realizing that that is just not true. I'm thankful, though, because it has opened so many great discussions for us!

 

I still do believe that that family has a right to have their own "house rules".

[Joanne]

That is ridiculous!! I find it more troublesome to see someone make an unfair psychological evaluation of a parent just because they don't share one's viewpoint. I don't think I saw anything about "super modesty" in the OP. The mom has rules for the pool in HER OWN BACKYARD!!

 

The whole context speaks to a cultishness I find disturbing. The super modesty is in reaction to the fear of the young male teen seeing a young female in swimming attire.

 

I *do* find the level of concern to be unhealthy and extreme.

 

That said, I agree with "her house, her rules". All things considered, I would severely limit my exposure to this family; I know from experience we'd not be a social match.

[SonshineLearner]

It's like the camp my children went to, and I didn't have a problem with that. Although I agree that a tankini is more modest, with a "boy cut" set of pants... than a one piece..

 

:)

[In2why]

Wet T-shirts? Wet, stick to the body T-shirts?

 

 

That was my thought as well. I really do not want my daughter wearing a wet T-shirt around anyone. A Tankini is much more modest. Although in the name of full disclosure we do not HS for religious reasons, and from the spectators seats some of these discussions intrigue me, and some leave me bewildered. But none of your child would be allowed to play with my children because I refuse to sign a statement of faith. (Even though we are Christians and believe in the basic tenants proclaimed.) :lurk5:

[Nestof3]

There are people who consider bathing suits to be nothing more than underwear, and to those people, wearing underwear only is something one does in private.

 

The whole context speaks to a cultishness I find disturbing. The super modesty is in reaction to the fear of the young male teen seeing a young female in swimming attire.

 

I *do* find the level of concern to be unhealthy and extreme.

 

That said, I agree with "her house, her rules". All things considered, I would severely limit my exposure to this family; I know from experience we'd not be a social match.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are people who consider bathing suits to be nothing more than underwear, and to those people, wearing underwear only is something one does in private.

 

Then those people should not go to where people are wearing only underwear or bathing suits.

[Joanne]

There are people who consider bathing suits to be nothing more than underwear, and to those people, wearing underwear only is something one does in private.

 

Then maybe a pool event is something they should not host.

 

The OP's question is "Weird or not." I vote weird.

[Nestof3]

Then those people should not go to where people are wearing only underwear or bathing suits.

 

I thought we were discussing one's own backyard.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I thought we were discussing one's own backyard.

 

One's own backyard where they invited people to put on swim suits to go swimming. I doubt the OPs dd goes around wearing swimming suits for normal visiting.

[Nestof3]

Then maybe a pool event is something they should not host.

 

The OP's question is "Weird or not." I vote weird.

 

It's fine for you to vote weird. I don't have a problem with that.

 

But, I can imagine having a pool and having the standard that we wouldn't have people walking around in their underwear around the pool. Well, the neighbors finds out we have a pool. Friends find out we have a pool.

 

What do we do? Say, "No, we don't allow others to swim in our pool."

 

Or, "Sure, but please have girls and guys both wear swimming trunks."

 

They would be equally branded as weird for not allowing anyone to swim in their pool.

 

I have swimming trunks and a top that's like a tank top that has two layers. The outer layer does not cling to the breasts. What is so horrible about swimming trunks? Guys wear them.

[Nestof3]

One's own backyard where they invited people to put on swim suits to go swimming. I doubt the OPs dd goes around wearing swimming suits for normal visiting.

 

Yes, her pool, her rules. Just let the OP's daughter find somewhere else to swim.

[Osmosis Mom]

What's so wrong with having different standards from your own? I am not so sure the boy is going to have a fit when he sees scantily dressed females around him. I am guessing he leaves the premises of his home once in a while, no?

 

I totally get the mother's preferences and while I do not request my guests to not wear shorts etc. in my house, then I really, really appreciate it (internally, mind you) when friends show enough cultural discernment to not wear shorts (or tank tops) to my house. For us, that is like underwear and we personally never show our underwear, even within the family (unless we are a baby or the spousal couple!).

 

I just think it is very quick judgment on your part, but that's just me.

[Alison in KY]

Sorry, my house, my rules :) .

 

With regards to the whole wet t shirt issue....wet t shirt contests are conducted WITHOUT a bra or bathing suit underneath for a reason. Wearing a darker colored tee over a swimsuit is an entirely different animal and I find the comparison of the two ludicrous.

 

Agreed