I am WORN OUT. (sorry - LONG)

[Denisemomof4]

I'm so overwhelmed at my Mom role right now that I feel like I need a break. Twice before dh sent me away to focus on just PAMPERING MYSELF, and both times I went to stay with a friend in GA, one who is single. If I'm taking a break, I'm NOT going to be with kids. While I *could* do that again, dh is also worn out and I won't throw this at him. I did tell him, though, that I may meet a friend in CT and go away for the day. An over nighter would even be better.

 

First of all, you all know my life is exhausting beyond measure because of my RAD dd. I'm constantly going back and forth on my thoughts for this school year. I can't have her in our group every week. I can't take it anymore. Dh said he'll work from home once or twice per month so dd10 and I can go alone. My RAD dd is now doing things to push dd10's buttons, dd10 lashes out in pure exasperation. Dd 10 is a GREAT, GREAT kid but she's worn out, too. People always look down on RAD moms because they truly don't understand why we have to be so strict. We look unloving. Now it's being transferred to dd10 and it's KILLING me. Still, she NEEDS this group and time with her friends. Some of the women are uncomfortable when I have RAD dd sitting out and not partaking because she (again) didn't do her school work. The woman in charge of the group said maybe we don't need to go every week. This KILLS me. Before we adopted people used to think we were the "perfect family," and I don't say that easily. I hated that label. I hated the women who wanted me to mentor them while I had 3 young kids at home, and the women who wanted dh to mentor their husbands. That was exhausting. BUT, now people view us completely different. That's why RAD moms usually back out of social settings - because it's easier. I won't do this to dd10 and I've had a battle in my mind about this for WEEKS now. And I did this to dd10 because I wanted this adoption. Heck, I never planned to stop at ONE adoption! That desire has changed. This is a bone tiring exhaustion I deal with Every Day of my life.

 

I am SO TIRED of having to tell everyone what to do, THE SAME THING THAT'S EXPECTED OF THEM EVERY DAY. I've done chore charts, lists, you name it, I've done it. It works temporarily and we always end up with nothing getting done unless I'm telling people to do it. Me, the one with memory issues due to a head injury. This thing right here has been wearing me down the past few weeks now. I'm at a point where I'm going to blow. I want to go away for a day during the week but can't because we already lost one animal due to this heat. Or I could go but call the kids all day long to say, "Please let the dogs out now. Did you check the indoor waters? What about the outdoor trough? Are the pools full? Are the fans on in the barn? Is everyone breathing right?" Today was a FABULOUS day and I did NOTHING. I'm TIRED and WORN OUT and have NO drive right now. I'm just SO TIRED. I have plants that will die unless they're put in the ground soon and yet I did NOTHING today.

 

Once VERY SOCIAL, I just don't care to see anyone. It takes REAL effort. I still do see my friends (just went out for dinner and drinks with two girlfriends on Friday) but it's a concerted effort to get me there. I'm just TIRED. And, with all the ugliness I saw while my parents were dying, people taking advantage of my parents, friends who I did so much for not even calling me to see how I was hanging in there, etc., I've just lost faith in people and don't know if it will ever return. This extrovert is retreating into herself more and more. And, my only family is my sister and brother, both mentally ill, and very old and frail aunt who lives far away. I fear that I'll be alone and lonely before you know it! I will always have my 3 friends since childhood, and I adore my few local friends, but I don't put effort in to the relationships like I once did. They do but they can't keep it all going alone forever.

 

Honestly, I wish I could take a break from homeschooling. Dd10 needs extra attention, and younger dd - getting her to do her work is always a battle and I'm just WORN OUT. I just wish I didn't have to be everything to everyone, and have this tremendous responsibility of educating my dd's. When I was educating my sons I had SO MUCH MORE ENERGY. I'm just too TIRED and WORN OUT.

 

I'm TIRED of kicking ds18 in the butt to get him to take the right paths. He's in love right now and nothing else matters. I'm SO happy for him but he's GOT to put his future FIRST and his relationship second. He won't listen to me. He's GOT to get a job working more hours but he's enjoying his gf all he can before she leaves for a semester to study abroad. We will NOT be helping him out financially. He NEEDS to start to act like a man. My parents did WAY TOO MUCH for my brother and it's ruined him. I will NOT do this to my boys. I won't do it to ANYONE. Still, it's exhausting. He only works around 12 hours per week, sometimes more, sometimes less, and he NEEDS to get another job. He's had excuses about why he didn't pursue 3 jobs now, two of which he would have gotten due to his connections. He didn't want a job to interfere with his relationship. :001_huh::banghead::banghead::banghead: He's got ONE YEAR to kick butt at the local college and then transfer out. If he chooses not to put his best foot forward, oh well. He will still have to leave next year No Matter What.

 

Honestly, I think I could cope with things mostly if everyone just DID WHAT THEY ARE EXPECTED TO DO (chore wise) WITHOUT MY TELLING THEM TO DO IT. I have to be in charge of six people and tell five of them what to do so often now that I just feel like I could have a breakdown.

 

I try not to put too much on dh. He's just as worn out as I am. I don't know if we'll EVER fully recover and return to who we were before we were taking care of sick and dying people for FOUR YEARS, on top of raising a family, his working full time, his running two trusts, all the construction WE had to do to mil's house to get it up to code, then trying to sell off 3 properties, and it goes on and on and on and on. Siblings arguing with trust decisions, siblings questioning this and that. Difficult siblings. Difficult, difficult, difficult and EXHAUSTING. Dh is awesome and supportive but I have nothing I can hand off to him, but I do vent to him. :sad:

 

I don't know what to do. I may be suffering from mild depression but I honestly don't think it's that, or at least not that alone. I'm just WORN OUT. And I don't want all these responsibilities anymore, yet I know I have to suck it up and continue on.

 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Will I ever return to the "old" me???!!!

[Caitilin]

So sorry, Denise. :grouphug::grouphug: Praying for you.:grouphug::grouphug:

[Nakia]

Oh sweet Denise. I just don't have any words for all you are doing and going through. I will pray though. That's something I can do. :grouphug:

[Ailaena]

I have always wanted to tell you that I think you are one of the strongest and most incredibly brave women I have ever known of. And now seemed like a good time to tell you that.

 

I only wish I could do something to ease your frustration:grouphug:

[Twinmom]

Mild depression? Honey, in your situation, I'd have major depression! Every time I read your posts, my heart goes out to you.

 

I adopted four kids with special needs, one with major attachment issues (thankfully, not to the extent of RAD, but enough to give me just a touch of what you deal with...). Even with just what I deal with, I've gone on anti-depressants just to keep my head above water from the stress, strain and public censor (yes, even in the hs community! :glare:). If you think you are depressed (and you sound it!), get thee to a doctor and get some help right away. You deserve it, you need it and if you intend to keep on loving on those kiddos long term, you need to take care of yourself as much as is humanly possible.

 

You are walking a hard road that few people understand. Do not hesitate to get medical help if you need it...your situation warrants it. Praying for you...

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I have always wanted to tell you that I think you are one of the strongest and most incredibly brave women I have ever known of. And now seemed like a good time to tell you that.

 

I only wish I could do something to ease your frustration:grouphug:

 

every time someone tells me I'm strong, or a hero, or what ever, I cry because I know how inadequate I am and how much I fail. I definitely don't deserve those labels.

 

It's not only RAD dd, it's EVERYTHING. And it's never ending! And now that I see dh wilting from exhaustion, for the first time EVER, I'm concerned.

 

I also know that I'm just so tired that it's GOT to be doing at least SOMETHING to my health. I rarely eat, and yet I've gained 5 pounds! I need to lose 30 pounds. I don't feel well. And apparently I'm "healthy" Some days I simply CAN'T eat and I can't even get water down.

[Denisemomof4]

Mild depression? Honey, in your situation, I'd have major depression! Every time I read your posts, my heart goes out to you.

 

I adopted four kids with special needs, one with major attachment issues (thankfully, not to the extent of RAD, but enough to give me just a touch of what you deal with...). Even with just what I deal with, I've gone on anti-depressants just to keep my head above water from the stress, strain and public censor (yes, even in the hs community! :glare:). If you think you are depressed (and you sound it!), get thee to a doctor and get some help right away. You deserve it, you need it and if you intend to keep on loving on those kiddos long term, you need to take care of yourself as much as is humanly possible.

 

You are walking a hard road that few people understand. Do not hesitate to get medical help if you need it...your situation warrants it. Praying for you...

:grouphug: I've also been having chest pains, sometimes severe, and I know I'm dealing with anxiety. I just bought some l-theanine that does WONDERS.

 

If I go on antidepressants I'll gain more weight. I can't do that because I'm already a high risk/heart attack waiting to happen. I do have cacao that I plan to start up again...... but the taste......:svengo:

 

If my 3 older kids could just step up to the plate and not have to get me involved, my load would be SO MUCH LIGHTER. Chores has been a serious issue for a few weeks now and I just feel like I can't handle it anymore.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Twinmom]

:grouphug: I've also been having chest pains, sometimes severe, and I know I'm dealing with anxiety. I just bought some l-theanine that does WONDERS.

 

If I go on antidepressants I'll gain more weight. I can't do that because I'm already a high risk/heart attack waiting to happen. I do have cacao that I plan to start up again...... but the taste......:svengo:

 

If my 3 older kids could just step up to the plate and not have to get me involved, my load would be SO MUCH LIGHTER. Chores has been a serious issue for a few weeks now and I just feel like I can't handle it anymore.

 

Have you ever tried 5 HTP as an alternative to antidepressants? Or, GABA for anxiety and stress relief? If you can't go the medication route, these might be helpful for you instead.

[gingersmom]

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Have you ever tried 5 HTP as an alternative to antidepressants? Or, GABA for anxiety and stress relief? If you can't go the medication route, these might be helpful for you instead.

 

oh, I did 5-htp with no issues before but it did something to me recently. I don't remember what it was but contacted a friend here about it. I need to start it up again but was afraid after what happened, that thing I forget what it was!!!

 

I also tried SAM-e and felt wonderful. But I started to get aggitated after I hit my head again so stopped that. :cursing:

 

I really hate to:nopity:

 

The Navitas Naturals cacao really did help but I've had so many stomach issues and nausea that I stopped it.

[Nakia]

every time someone tells me I'm strong, or a hero, or what ever, I cry because I know how inadequate I am and how much I fail. I definitely don't deserve those labels.

 

 

 

Sweetheart, we are all inadequate and undeserving. That's where God steps in. He meets us where we are, but doesn't leave us there. I have been struggling with a lot of things the past few months (though nothing compared to what you are dealing with) and at times, I felt so overwhelmed and hopeless. But God has plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future! I have had so many people standing in the gap for me, and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And now, we will stand in the gap for you. And in the end, you will see it was all for His glory.

 

I really wish I had practical advice, but I don't. Like I said, I can pray, so that's what I'll do.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

oh, I did 5-htp with no issues before but it did something to me recently. I don't remember what it was but contacted a friend here about it. I need to start it up again but was afraid after what happened, that thing I forget what it was!!!

 

I also tried SAM-e and felt wonderful. But I started to get aggitated after I hit my head again so stopped that. :cursing:

 

I really hate to:nopity:

 

The Navitas Naturals cacao really did help but I've had so many stomach issues and nausea that I stopped it.

 

It was night terrors. But if you start at a very low dose and up it very slowly, it may work for you.

 

:grouphug: Denise, I sure wish you lived closer. I would go in to provide you some respite. :grouphug:

[Jennifer in MI]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Denise - Your posts have been a huge inspiration to me. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I lived closer. I'd help out in any way I could. I'll pray for you.

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Denise - Your posts have been a huge inspiration to me. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I lived closer. I'd help out in any way I could. I'll pray for you.

 

:iagree:

 

 

Nobody expects you to do everything perfectly. We are just impressed with how well you manage what you've got. Are there any resources available to you in regards to your daughter for respite?

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree:

 

 

Nobody expects you to do everything perfectly. We are just impressed with how well you manage what you've got. Are there any resources available to you in regards to your daughter for respite?

 

I would like to quote Jennifer in MI and Jean in Newcastle with you, and:grouphug: you all.,

 

Honestly, if my three OLDEST kids would just do things on their own, I wouldn't be having this melt down. THEY are exhausting me right now. Youngest dd isn't really the issue right now, although she is grounded to her room, so she's always misbehaving, but when she's grounded to her room is when I can RELAX!!! But I can't right now, I'm too busy melting down because I've had to be after everyone else.

 

I know my RAD dd is more than I can handle many days, but it's not her right now.

 

Jean, I lowered the 5-HTP to 50 mg but I think that gave me issues, too, so I won't be taking it until I order 25 mg.

 

I was also concerned about all the herbs I take at night and was trying to cut back. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

 

If I could only go live on an island by myself for a month and swim with sea turtles and dolphins, I just KNOW I'd recover.;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Would it work if your dh sat down with your 18, 14 and 10 year old and gave them a talking to about doing their chores/share?

[ma23peas]

First....I don't even know what RAD means, so some of my 'counsel' may change if I really knew what I was talking to! :)

 

Second....exercise...I can't say it enough, just get 45 minutes of cardio in a day...it does WONDERS for a lot of the 'AAAAGH' feelings you get when you're under too much pressure you put on yourself and too much pressure everyone else does.

 

Third...SIT DOWN and be honest time...let the kids know where you're at...with good kids they DESpERATELY want to know how to help but honestly they don't see how having a clean floor and laundry done could change your attitude towards them....oh my!! Does it ever!! Sit down and explain that everytime you turn a corner, there is something more demanded of you (laundry, dishes, school assignments, grading, animals, bills, groceries, that annoying sticky thing on the floor you keep walking over and mean to clean!) and it NEVER ends...sometimes we just get overwhelmed..it would help me greatly if child A would make sure I never have to say "take out the trash" again...if child B would keep an eye on laundry and help out with keeping the sink clean (i.e. put away dishes, clear the table) without asking....if child C could please keep the animals fed...if you each did just these few things..I can put my energies on to more important tasks...

 

Fourth...(really should be first) but PRAY....pray each day for strength, slowness to anger, quick to add kindness and wisdom to handle whatever comes your way...these days will pass and one day you'll have an empty house and beg for that child who always leaves his underwear next to the shower....but for now, he can put them away for you! :)

 

Be encouraged!!

Tara

[jujsky]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Would it work if your dh sat down with your 18, 14 and 10 year old and gave them a talking to about doing their chores/share?

 

you mean AGAIN??!!! I'm really sorry, and I hope I'm not sounding harsh or rude. This has been an issue for so long now that I can't even tell you how long.

 

My dd10 baffles me. I wonder if she CAN'T remember. I don't know how to figure her out. Like today, she got Every Single Math Problem WRONG. Then she'll go days getting everything right. I don't get it.

 

I know she has a cyst in her brain that can cause cognitive issues so I try not to get too upset, I also don't want to keep excusing her.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:

 

I think I'd be explaining the way foreign travel matures a person, to your ds, and asks whether he wants to risk her finding him too immature for her when she comes back. Being in love is just fine and dandy, but that is going to cool with a six month break. I'm just thinking that what girlfriend wants is more motivational than what mum wants.

 

:grouphug:

 

Rosie

[SonshineLearner]

I am SOOO sorry. You have to what's best for your collective family... You included!! I wish there was a spot where you could offer your daughter a place to be... and you could have a day off a week.... if that wouldn't make the whole thing worse for you...

 

I'm really sorry!!! I wish for you... a good break!!

 

:)

[lmrich]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I would show your oldest two this post. They are old enough to help. They are old enough to do all of the chores for a week. In fact, they must, or you may be lost. Please give yourself a break. Please take a break.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug:

 

I think I'd be explaining the way foreign travel matures a person, to your ds, and asks whether he wants to risk her finding him too immature for her when she comes back. Being in love is just fine and dandy, but that is going to cool with a six month break. I'm just thinking that what girlfriend wants is more motivational than what mum wants.

 

:grouphug:

 

Rosie

 

may I please have your phone number so you can pass on this VERY wise information? He doesn't need to hear from Mom anymore because he knows more than me now. Heck, he's 18 and he actually knows EVERYTHING. Can you imagine? I envy him. I wish I knew EVERYTHING.:glare: She leaves in 2.5 weeks and I'm going to have to make sure he's really looking for a job while she's gone. He only has ONE year to work before he transfers to another college, so he needs to make the most of it. His #1 concern is gf. Love won't pay the bills and it won't give you a degree.:leaving:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug:

I would show your oldest two this post. They are old enough to help. They are old enough to do all of the chores for a week. In fact, they must, or you may be lost. Please give yourself a break. Please take a break.

 

WOW. There's an idea. I'll just have to remove my reply to Rosie.:tongue_smilie:

[Rosie_0801]

WOW. There's an idea. I'll just have to remove my reply to Rosie.:tongue_smilie:

 

No, leave it there :) It'll save you the cost of an international phone call.

 

:)

Rosie

[MariannNOVA]

Oh, Denise.......:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I would be right there with Jennifer and Jean to help out if I was closer.

 

 

You do what you have to, and I will be praying for you.

 

Mariann

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug: I'm praying for you Denise.

[Nestof3]

I feel like I could say the same things, except I don't have the same experiences you do with RAD. I'm so sorry. I know how tiring it is to have so many experts about something they've never had to go through. I do know a little about that, and it is exhausting.

 

Hugs to you.

[Jean in Wisc]

I know of someone who put her RAD child in a treatment center in order to give the family a rest. It was unbelievably expensive, but it was worth it to them and they could afford it. They were at their wits end and did not know where to turn--it was pulling their family apart. The last I heard, they were going to do it for a 2nd year and were trying to pull the funds together for it. I just can't imagine...

 

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I do think I'd consider if my budget allowed to get someone to help out--a baby sitter (adult, responsible) who could spend time with her so that the rest of the family had down time. I'm sure I would not have the money for a treatment center, so that would not be an option here.

 

I've not been in this situation, but my heart goes out to you! (()) I found with my dc that I have always had to be the mover and shaker if I wanted anything to get done. It wasn't until they were about ready to leave home that I saw responsible, young people in my home...but even then, they are still growing up. Many a time, when my dh asked that I have a kid do some chore (usually farm chores that took a fair amount of supervision imo) I responded that I did not have the time to take that on...and then I would explain that any task that was given to the child became my task because I was the person who had to check to see that it got done, remind them, or discipline them, or add it to some chore chart. He was NOT passing it on to them but to me! I don't know if that ever sunk in, but I'm sure you understand what I am saying!

 

And now my baby of the family is going to turn 18 in a few months. I often think that just when we think we cannot do this one. more. day., we discover that they have grown up and moved on to new and different problems. And then...they are gone. College, marriage...:crying:

Jean

Edited July 27, 2010 by Jean in Wisc

[TravelingChris]

I think I can just say prayers for you. About the animals= are they your living or are they hobbies? If they are hobbies, can you think about rehoming some of them? You sound extrememly overwhelmed and while anti-depressants may help a lot, I think the main thing that needs to be done is less work and stress. Even though I am a big animal lover, it sounds to me like maybe some of them are part of the stress problem. Again :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I'd really like to respond to everyone but I can't. Please know I deeply appreciate you ALL.

 

I feel better now. I went and hung out in the barn for awhile, sipped a lemonade, and had a good, long cry with a duck at my feet staring into my eyes the entire time. :001_smile:

 

My RAD dd is exhausting but it's not really her this time, which is surprising. There's always this negative under current with her, and everyone is always happier when she goes to bed. Maybe that sounds mean, but she did this to us. It's our reality. I am worried about this coming school year with her, and I know that's adding to my stress load. I have considered asking friends if they'd be willing to do some "training" with dd so that they would know how to deal with her. The fact of the matter is that she's SO good and sneaky at what she does, she would EASILY pull the wool over the caregiver's eyes. And WHO KNOWS what lies would come out of her mouth. This concerns me. And then I'd have to deal with the fall out from it all. If she got away with bad behavior with someone else, she'd be testing the waters with me more and more. I learned that years ago. I'm not saying I'll never do this, but I'm just too tired to hold my own little training classes right now. And this is something I've wanted to do for years now. Honestly, though, I go back and forth as to whether or not it's worth it.

 

While I know she sucks me dry regularly, it's just EVERYONE right now. And I'm making matters worse by worrying (something I normally don't do but I'm not sleeping well at all and am not myself) about so many things. Ds 18, I know he's going to be successfull one day, but how hard will he fall first? Ds 14, will he get more motivated with school and reach for the stars? dd 10, health issues, much more time spent on schooling to help her. dd 7, I won't even mention my fears but let me say that my kids worry about the same things with her. And I wonder, will dh and I be able to survive it all??

 

We COULD get rid of animals but honestly, that's my therapy. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by them, like this hot summer. But they're all rescues, unwanted animals. Who will want an old horse that can't be ridden, has health issues, and has one eye? Or the pony who spooks easily by men because it was abused? Or the LARGE pig that eats a TON. Who has those for pets? They're usually on someone's plate. It's what I love, what I'm passionate about. I love the animals. It all started when I was homeschooling my boys and I wanted them to have chores and work hard. I just can't get rid of them now. The guilt of it would eat me alive.

 

I started to write and deleted this for days now. I'm tired of coming here to whine but honestly, you all always have such wise and comforting words. And I don't want to keep burdening my friends, who most definitely understand it all, and I'm SO thankful for that.

:grouphug: You guys are AWESOME.

[Catherine]

I am right there with ya on so many counts-big kids with GFs that take up too much attention, departures (my own ds is about to leave for 10 months as an exchange student) that require lots of time and farewells, kids who seem to need excessive reminders for the simplest chores.

 

I'm with Rosie-get someone else to deliver the message.

 

Reduce the demands on you somehow-can you hire someone to do the animals for a bit? Or consider selling some of them? I don't know how attached you are to them. Hire someone to clean? I just did this and I am SO thrilled even though she doesn't start for 2 weeks!! Also, I had to drastically lower my standards on jobs I asked the kids to do. I figure if my 9 yo can even unload half the dishwasher we were doing OK. I no longer even look at how they made their beds or put stuff away, if it looks like there was any attempt at all. Schoolwork-same thing. Temporarily lowering standards during a period of huge stress won't inflict any long term harm.

 

Then put on that rhino hide and keep on doing what needs to be done for your RAD dd and the rest of your family in public. Ahh, if only it were that easy!

 

Do you have "A room of ones own"-a place where you can hide at home if you need 15 minutes of peace? Can RAD dd be left alone for that long? My mom used to lock herself in the bathroom and I can say I truly did not understand why until now. Find a place where you can hide, even if it's only for a few minutes. Teach your 18 yo how to take care of dd for a few minutes and make that his main contribution.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug: I don't have a RAD dd but I do have a bi-polar one and we always cycle together. So either everything is peachy or this place is like a pressure cooker about ready to blow and let's say we have seen any peaches in a good long while now. I so get the exhausted thing. :grouphug:

[tampamommy]

:):grouphug: to you.

 

Caring for animals IS therapeutic. There is something about the ongoing care of a creature that I believe touches many people's souls. Especially when the animal responds to your nurturing.

 

Maybe spend more time with those beloved animals you have rescued, especially when you are about to climb a wall. It sounds like your time in the barn with your lemonade and sweet duck was really beneficial. I'll bet most (if not all) of your animals do not whine or complain at you. They respond to your love and care with positive-ness and affection. They always are glad to see you and they reinforce that you are wonderful at nurturing...even when you doubt yourself. In that way, they build you up.

 

I don't have any magical wand or words for you, but I wish I did.

 

Life throws so many things at us. It is so easy to get bogged down when you think about the disconnect between how things actually are versus how we thought they would be. It is so hard to let older children experience the long-term results of their choices.

 

I smiled when I saw your great concern for your dh :) and looked at your signature line. You and your "WONDERFUL" man will help each other through this very challenging time.

 

Love and prayers.

[MariannNOVA]

I feel better now. I went and hung out in the barn for awhile, sipped a lemonade, and had a good, long cry with a duck at my feet staring into my eyes the entire time. :001_smile:

 

I started to write and deleted this for days now. I'm tired of coming here to whine but honestly, you all always have such wise and comforting words. And I don't want to keep burdening my friends, who most definitely understand it all, and I'm SO thankful for that.

:grouphug: You guys are AWESOME.

 

Denise: You are not whining - articulating your feelings here is certainly not whining -- and I am glad that sitting with the lemondade and with a duck helped.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: And I commend you for having the strength and courage to be honest and put everything down in writing.:grouphug:

 

Years ago, I sat with my yellow lab and had a similar experience - our animals are very important and I understand that.

 

Prayers and hugs - Mariann

[Melinda in VT]

Denise, first :grouphug:.

 

I say this very, very gently. Feel free to completely disregard it if it doesn't apply to you.

 

Living with RAD in the family is stressful for all family members. Is there any chance the behavior of your oldest three is their response to that stress?

[Denisemomof4]

Denise, first :grouphug:.

 

I say this very, very gently. Feel free to completely disregard it if it doesn't apply to you.

 

Living with RAD in the family is stressful for all family members. Is there any chance the behavior of your oldest three is their response to that stress?

 

well, the chore struggle has been around since before my RAD dd came along.

 

BUT, the stress, negativity, irritation that she brings daily DOES wear us all out. It is SO overwhelming for me to try to keep peace when this is this undercurrent of tension all the time. And we used to be such a PEACEFUL family. She really tries to destroy us.

 

I'm coming down very hard on her recently. I just can't take it anymore. If she chooses to disrupt our time, cause problems, etc., then she's going to choose to spend time in her room, no toys, nothing. I used to send her to her room with toys and music, but that was a treat for her. And she usually would break the toys. She's spent a LOT of time in her room these past couple of weeks, but I do think it's starting to affect her. I hope so anyway. I tell her that she has the choice to make: behave right and have a good day, or behave wrong and go to her room. I remind her that the rest of us will be having a good day and hope she will be a part of that.

 

She is living out the natural consequences to her behavior, too. Her siblings really don't want to be with her. This, too, is hard to watch and mentally draining. And yet it's a natural consequence to her treating them badly for so long. They're worn out, too.

 

Someone here said something that really struck me powerfully. They said that I've provided so much for her happiness and that maybe it's time for me to stop putting that burden on myself. She's right. I've worked so hard and given her so much. I'm worn out, so that leaves me less energy to deal with the rest of the kids. She DOES have a choice, and she can choose to have a good day, be happy, and be with us, or she can choose not to. But I'm not going to allow her to destroy this family.

 

This actually applies to ALL my kids. If one is misbehaving and stressing us out, they are removed and sent to their room. It just so happens that she's going to her room more than the others, but she CAN change this if she wants to.

 

I got her to a really, really good place once before. I do feel that I can do it again, but I don't have the energy I did 3 - 4 years ago. It's just soooooooooo much work. Nobody can even imagine.

 

While the issues with the OTHER kids are what's draining me, I think I just don't have the energy, and it's because, in large part, of her. I'm rested enough to realize this today.

[tjlcc]

Have you heard of these? My husband and a friend of mine take them and highly recommend!

[Perry]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know I'm going to get slammed for this, but....

Why not put her in ps?

[LibraryLover]

Maybe PS is not the answer, but maybe a detour, going down a different road, could shake things up, perhaps for the better. Perhaps not. Does your local PS have any Special Needs/ IEP experince at all w/kids affected by RAD? Even if you know more than they do, would a break for your other kids make up for any 'backsliding'?

 

I have no experience with RAD, so I have no idea.

 

As for the animals. My kids know which animals are mine, and which are theirs. We help each other with the animals, but my kids like to take care of my animals about as much as i want to clean out their cats' litter boxes...lol I mean, we do help, but there is that vibe of 'You got this new batch of 16 heirloom chickens because you really wanted them, Mom. We have enough of our own animals to care for. They don't actually say it like that...but i know they are thinking "I'll help, but I do not want to take care of animals I didn't want in the least". ;) It's true. I got them for my pleasure, not theirs. Some days they are more work than others...as in this relentless heat.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know I'm going to get slammed for this, but....

Why not put her in ps?

[TXMary2]

:grouphug: I've also been having chest pains, sometimes severe, and I know I'm dealing with anxiety. I just bought some l-theanine that does WONDERS.

 

If I go on antidepressants I'll gain more weight. I can't do that because I'm already a high risk/heart attack waiting to happen. I do have cacao that I plan to start up again...... but the taste......:svengo:

 

If my 3 older kids could just step up to the plate and not have to get me involved, my load would be SO MUCH LIGHTER. Chores has been a serious issue for a few weeks now and I just feel like I can't handle it anymore.

 

 

What options are left for getting the older kids to step up? Are there severe consequences that they would respond to? Would dh back you up implementing consequences.

 

Maybe taking a year off would be good for your mental health. If you aren't healthy and functioning it will only trickle down. :grouphug: Sorry for your frustration.

[tadah]

Denise, I can't imagine doing what you do for one day, let alone every day. I just want you to know that a total stranger thinks you are awesome. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Impish]

Sweetheart, we are all inadequate and undeserving. That's where God steps in. He meets us where we are, but doesn't leave us there. I have been struggling with a lot of things the past few months (though nothing compared to what you are dealing with) and at times, I felt so overwhelmed and hopeless. But God has plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future! I have had so many people standing in the gap for me, and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And now, we will stand in the gap for you. And in the end, you will see it was all for His glory.

 

I really wish I had practical advice, but I don't. Like I said, I can pray, so that's what I'll do.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

:iagree:I'm glad you're feeling even just the smallest bit better.

I think a family meeting is in order. You, your dh lay everything out on the table. The expectations, the consequences. Write contracts out for the kids, and make them sign. Post the chore list for each kid in a page protector so they can strike them off with a dry erase as they get them done, and reuse the next day. Explain to them the very real situation that if Mommy doesn't get some help, Mommy worries about ending up in the hospital from exhaustion. Its not emotional blackmail, its the truth from where I sit, Denise. If you don't get some help, that is where you're going to end up, sooner or later.

 

They're more than old enough to consistently manage chores.

 

Big, huge, one armed hugs for you, Hon. Wish I could be there with you.

 

You're in my prayers, and you can always PM me.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know I'm going to get slammed for this, but....

Why not put her in ps?

 

no, you're not going to get slammed. Sometimes I think I shouldn't put this all out there but if I can save ONE family from the heartache and stress we've gone through, I will.

 

LET ME SAY THIS AND IT'S SOOOOOOOOOO IMPORTANT (in fact, I need to make this an entire thread but will post this here) IF my agency were HONEST and DIRECT about issues with orphanage babies, IF we had proper training on how to spot attachment issues (those trained to be foster parents get SO MUCH INFORMATION but ADOPTED parents? The information was USELESS>) I would have been able to reach my daughter. I feel whole heartedly we would NOT be in this predicament right now. My dd was almost FOUR before I even STARTED to realize what we were dealing with. I'd mention things to her pediatrician, NOTHING. I had NO idea what I was dealing with. If I were PROPERLY TRAINED, I would have started attachment parenting from DAY ONE - THE EXACT DAY SHE REJECTED ME. Ok, so I'll stop here and start a new thread. I'm off my feet all day today (sprained ankle) so will explain to everyone because I think it will benefit all.

 

About public school - she was IN public school when I knew what we were dealing with was horrible. I knew something was terribly wrong. She was telling lies to her teacher about her family and it FREAKED ME OUT. I had NO idea why she was doing this. She was only in preschool and being in school caused her to regress slowly. She tells me even NOW that she remembers the orphanage. Something about putting her in a group setting caused her to just completely regress. Neither of these issues were worth leaving her in. She didn't WANT to be in public school.

 

I can tell you FOR SURE that all our problems would only get worse if I were to put her in public school. This is a child that can NOT handle freedom. Outside my presence, she fails. Repeatedly. I can spot when she's going to start to dysregulate and I can reign her in before we have a mess on our hands. If she were on school, my anxiety and health issues would most definitely get worse and it's a price I'm not willing to pay. The issues that did arise, have taken place with other adults outside of a school setting, and would most definitely happen again, are simply NOT worth it. I know many people with adopted kids in school and honestly, I have it easier here at home where I can keep her regulated and control her environment.

[Denisemomof4]

Maybe PS is not the answer, but maybe a detour, going down a different road, could shake things up, perhaps for the better. Perhaps not. Does your local PS have any Special Needs/ IEP experince at all w/kids affected by RAD? Even if you know more than they do, would a break for your other kids make up for any 'backsliding'?

no, we live in a very small country town. There are families like ours all over that also don't have access to respite. We make things work, but it's never going to be as happy and peaceful as it was before she came. I'm hoping by putting my foot down even harder recently that she knows the GAMES ARE OVER. Time will tell.

 

 

I have no experience with RAD, so I have no idea.

 

As for the animals. My kids know which animals are mine, and which are theirs. We help each other with the animals, but my kids like to take care of my animals about as much as i want to clean out their cats' litter boxes...lol I mean, we do help, but there is that vibe of 'You got this new batch of 16 heirloom chickens because you really wanted them, Mom. We have enough of our own animals to care for. They don't actually say it like that...but i know they are thinking "I'll help, but I do not want to take care of animals I didn't want in the least". ;) It's true. I got them for my pleasure, not theirs. Some days they are more work than others...as in this relentless heat.

 

This certainly makes sense! Maybe I should have them scrubbing out shower stalls and scrubbing toilets instead? ;) I really look at it as chores are chores. We're about to have a chore switch anyway and I'm going to be taking back feeding all the animals, including the barn animals.

[Denisemomof4]

honestly, the patterns are a vicious cycle. Oldest does CHORES on his own but is high maintenance in other areas. Younger ds, he's add and needs constant reminders, which is driving me crazy. dd10 same, add. It's just VERY tiring to be the one home, living this daily. Dh comes home at night so although it bothers him, it's different, KWIM?

 

It's everything, you know? "Did you check online for your college books yet? Did you apply for that job? Did you feed your ferrets/guinea pigs? Clean their cage? DID YOU DRINK WATER? (this drives me CRAZY!!!!! My kids don't drink enough unless I'm after them!!!) When you let the dog out, did you leave him out long enough to poop? (otherwise we find it in the HOUSE!)" And on and on. It's just everything.

 

I am 47 now and I am tired, no doubt. I also know that all the stress that dh and I have gone through in the past 4 years has changed us. I don't know if we'll ever return to what we once were. We're older now and we're tired. We were told we have "caregiver burnout" and "compassion fatigue." :confused:

[LibraryLover]

I can't speak to the RAD except to say that it makes me want to cry. I wish there was some help for your family.

 

Does it make you feel better to know that your other kids seem about regular to me? LOL My 21 yr old is very responsible, has a job, is 'doing well' in college etc., but wow, the whole merit financial aid package thing...could he cut signing those papers *any* closer? I mean...really? Get that in the mail...the first year we found it all completed and in an unsealed envelope. Dh picked it up, and nearly had a heart attack. DS had done the whole package but forgot to mail it "I thought I mailed it!" said he. Thankfully the deadline had not quite passed and we over-nighted it. That was when he was 19. He still gives us some concern at times, planning-wise, but so far, he gets it done, even if he cuts it close. Dh and I are thinking he's way too old for us to worry about nothing...but it's hard to get out of the habit. we have to let go and trust. Mostly nothing bad is going to happen. He thinks he want to go to grad school or law school, but isn't sure. It's fine for him to take time to figure it out, just as it's OK for your 18 yr old to not know exactly what he wants to do right now. I understand we worry for their future, but there are many ways to live a good and fulfilling life. We don't have to decide it all or figure it all out at 18. Or 21, even. DS still has one more year of undergrad school, but I do trust he knows what he needs. We will help as we are able to.

 

Here 's an example where I had no business worrying. He waited until the night before he was to leave to pack for an entire summer for his job. He managed to pack in a couple of hours...and forgot nothing. He asked us to mail him nothing, and when we brought his sister to camp and asked him if he needed anything the answer was no. It made me crazy, but I guess he knew what he was doing. Procrastinate much? But so what? he knew what he needed to do and did it,maybe not in the way i would. *But that doesn't matter*. Letting go, trusting can be challenging for some us. ;) I only speak for myself here. lol

 

The 16, 17 and 11 yr olds still need certain reminders, but so do I at times. ;) Family Life is a team effort, right? lol If they don't drink enough water, they are going to get headaches. If any of my children complain of headaches, I ask 'When was the last time you had water?" They get that light bulb look and go get a drink. Sometimes I forget to drink water as well.

 

I try to triage my worry. Take care of what truly needs my efforts, and put on the back burner (or ignore) those that do not.

Edited July 28, 2010 by LibraryLover