Divorce rate 68%?

[jld]

A friend in America told me that the divorce rate in America is now 68%. Wow. I didn't realize it was above 50%.

 

What changes do you see, if any, in our culture due to this higher divorce rate? Or is 50% the threshhold, and anything higher would not really make a difference?

[3littlekeets]

A friend in America told me that the divorce rate in America is now 68%. Wow. I didn't realize it was above 50%.

 

What changes do you see, if any, in our culture due to this higher divorce rate? Or is 50% the threshhold, and anything higher would not really make a difference?

 

 

That is not accurate. In fact, recent research teases out several key variables. College educated adults and adults who marry later in life are only at a 30% risk of divorce, etc. 68% may be for second marriages. You need to look for the recent research... I'll look, too. But, I'm sure the overall rate is NOT 68% in the US :)

[LauraGB]

That is not accurate. In fact, recent research teases out several key variables. College educated adults and adults who marry later in life are only at a 30% risk of divorce, etc. 68% may be for second marriages. You need to look for the recent research... I'll look, too. But, I'm sure the overall rate is NOT 68% in the US :)

 

I heard recently that it was something like 2/3. Perhaps that's just rounded off or something, I really don't know.

 

Personally, I think the increase is partly because of the onslaught of MeMeMe mindset of entire generations teaching the following generations. I also think a lot of it has to do with the instant gratification of technology and that mentality being brought into relations with actual people - who can possibly match that? Everyone eventually falls short, thus the increasing divorce rate.

 

ETA - Just wanted to clarify that yes, there are many instances where divorce is ideal, such as some form of abuse (and of course, adultery, etc). I do think, however, that many, many are not a result of anything more than discontent, boredom, difficulty or inability to deal with the fluctuations of life in a marriage, and having to be supportive and partly responsible for another individual. And I think that the fact that it has become so expected, so to speak, over the generations (people we know, tv shows, celebrities, etc) that the younger generations don't even really understand "how" to try. That's just my thought. And obviously, it doesn't apply to everyone, since every individual situation is different.

Edited July 13, 2010 by LauraGB

[Retired]

http://www.divorcerate.org/

 

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

[KidsHappen]

Wow. That is surprising. I thought that the divorce rate was going down. Almost all of our friends, families and neighbors (of our generation) are still married to their first spouse. I am actually surprised these days when I meet someone from my generation or younger that is divorced. However, when I was growing up it seemed like everyone's parents were divorced.

[angela in ohio]

Wow. That is surprising. I thought that the divorce rate was going down. Almost all of our friends, families and neighbors (of our generation) are still married to their first spouse. I am actually surprised these days when I meet someone from my generation or younger that is divorced. However, when I was growing up it seemed like everyone's parents were divorced.

 

It's the opposite here. Growing up, I knew only one girl whose parents had been divorced (they divorced other people, married, and had her.) In many (easily more than half) of the couples dh and I meet now, one or the other has been divorced, if not both. Dh's best friend from high school has been divorced and remarried a few times, and at dh's high school reunion, many were divorced. It seems half of ds's baseball team has two sets of parents.

 

OP, we have noticed a lot of the movies we watch lately are commentaries about the ill effects of divorced parents on their adult children, the importance of family and parents, etc.

[LibraryLover]

How funny/sad. I have been thinking the same thing! It's shocking how many of my 21 yr old's friends' (from childhood, I don't know about his adult friends) parents are are still togehter. lol That may sound crazy, but I am stunned and awed by the longevity. Among my friends, most folks have been married 20 plus years.

 

So many kids I knew as a child (70's) had parents who divorced when we were young. My parents seemed to have held out the longest.

 

 

Wow. That is surprising. I thought that the divorce rate was going down. Almost all of our friends, families and neighbors (of our generation) are still married to their first spouse. I am actually surprised these days when I meet someone from my generation or younger that is divorced. However, when I was growing up it seemed like everyone's parents were divorced.

Edited July 13, 2010 by LibraryLover

[RoughCollie]

In the last 25 years, none of the couples I've known have gotten divorced. One couple I know filed a month ago, and that is it.

 

In our former town, we knew of one family in which a divorce had taken place.

 

In our new town, the kids have met more than a few children of divorced parents. Much different demographics here.

Edited July 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Peela]

My perspective may be unpopular, but I am going to say it anyway.

The divorce rate is a sign of the times and yes, it reflects, to some extent- and I wont guess how much- a population of people who are focused on the wrong things, who cant cope with bad times, who dont understand the long term seasons of marriage, who want what they want and want it now...all of that, I agree. In other words, a lot of immaturity.

 

However, I also think it represents a culture where:

It is no longer necessary to stay in a relationship where one partner is being abused.

It is no longer necessary for a woman to stay with a man, no matter how loveless the marriage is, for financial reasons.

And mostly....there are a lot of us for whom marriage is a spiritual relationship and the sharing of emotional growth, maturity and deepening love is a pre requisite for staying in the marriage, not just entering it. In other words, people arent going to waste their lives with someone with whom they no longer have much in common or dont get along with any more, and where there is no, or very little, love left.

It is very difficult to stay in a relationship where one partner is growing and maturing and blossoming, and the other just watches TV all day. I am not saying it is impossible, and I am all for giving it a really, realyl good go...but I personally feel grateful for being able to "move on" from unhealthy relationships form my earlier life.

For those who have been with one partner their whole adult life, and who are still with them, and for whom that relationship is still alive and full of underlying love and respect....it might be hard to imagine how many peopel are in situations where that is NOT the case, no matter how hard ONE of the partners tries.

 

So I dont think the divorce rate reflects only people who gave up too easily. It also reflects many, many unique situations that, if you only walked in their shoes, you would help them leave their unhealthy situaitons and move on to something better. I think there are a lot more of those situaitons than people realise.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

I agree with Peela.

 

The rising divorce rate is caused by many things, but not all of them are negative. Sometimes the person we marry doesn't turn out to be the person we thought they were. Or addictions/abuse could come into play, and in those type of situations it is better for the children to leave.

[ma23peas]

Never believe statistics...

 

Divorce rates are out of ALL marriages in the US..soooo with people living longer, and multiple marriages on the rise...that means those little old ladies/men on their 5th and 6th marriage have just skewed the numbers to make people think that if you look at 10 couples, 5 will be divorced..no more like 2 or 3 will be divorced and out of those some several times....Out of 300-400 couples I have known through work/school/family..I only know of about 25 that are divorced...

[IsabelC]

@ Peela, love your post, and yes, there are many factors that could be coming into play.

 

@ those who have been looking at the stats, I wonder how the marriage rates are traveling? Are more or few or the same proportion of people getting married now than previously? Because that will make a difference in the interpretation of the divorce rates. (Ie if marriage is more popular, it could be that some divorces are result of people marrying who might not have married in the first place a decade or two ago, whereas if marriage rates are still declining than there would presumably be more couples splitting up without ever marrying.)

 

@ma23peas, good point. Since every marriage after the first has a statistically lower chance of lasting, there would be a certain number of 'serial marriers' (for want of a better term) who effect the average.

 

It's really hard to judge the overall culture and societal trends via personal knowledge, because it is so variable across geographical areas, age, ethnicities, socio-economic groups, etc. In my experience, children who live with both biological parents who are married for the first/only time would be in the minority. Out of my kids' 5 first cousins, for example: 3 do not live with their fathers, 3 their parents were never married, all of them the parents were not on their first marriage or cohabiting relationship when they were together. Many people we know either the parents are not married (some have no intention of marrying for various reasons, some plan to marry eventually), or they had children before getting married, or on person had a previous marriage or de facto relationship. My situation (no co-habitation prior to marriage, only married once, all children born while married) would be fairly unusual around here.

 

(Not that all divorces are related to having kids, of course! I'm just thinking along those lines because kids are a major source of stress on my particular marriage!)

[TravelingChris]

The statistics are misleading. What they are is a comparison of how many people got married in a year compared to how many people got divorced. But it doesn't reflect all the other people who stayed married that same year. So year one, 200 people get married and 100 people get divorced. That gives a 50% divorce rate. In year two, another 200 people get married and 100 get divorced. Now you have 200 married and 100 divorced but the divorce rate is still 50%. In year three, 200 more get married, 100 more get divorced and you have now a total of 300 people who either got married or stayed married. Do this for a adult lifetime and you see how come your experiences don't jive with the statistics. The statistics are true for what they measure but don't really make sense for our experiences.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Gee, I just read different statistics that said the divorce rate was under 50% for all marriages (in an article about cohabitation.) It climbs higher for couples who cohabitate before getting engaged.

[IsabelC]

Yes, but are those couples who co-habit 'before getting engaged' splitting up once they are engaged/married? If not, how can you tell whether they were planning on getting engaged? Most sources seem to suggest that a marriage is more likely to last than an unmarried cohabiting scenario, however I have not seen any reports that distinguish between couples who are committed to a long term de facto relationship and couples who live together but never intended it to be long term. I suspect that if you compare serious committed unmarried couples to married couples, the rates of separation would be pretty similar.

[FaithManor]

My sister is getting divorced from her mentally ill husband. He was reaching a level where it was going to be physically abusive....his mouth was already a lethal weapon. He has P.T.S.D., won't take medicaton, and is now in the psychosis stage of the illness. So, I am very grateful that she can separate from him and not have the social astigma of being a bad wife.

 

That said, the divorce rate of military personnel returning from Iraq at his base is astronomical. 80% according to the base psychiatrist if P.T.S.D. is a factor. More like 50% if P.T.S.D. is not involved.

 

I do believe that a lot of people give up too easily but I am just so thankful that sis can get out, make it, recover, and not be a total social outcast over it. She stayed too long as it was, for the sake of his two little girls, and is in counseling herself plus an anxiety med for the panic attacks. I wouldn't with that on anyone!

 

And this perspective is coming from an ultra-conservative person on the subjects of marriage and family.

 

Faith

[dirty ethel rackham]

Yes, but are those couples who co-habit 'before getting engaged' splitting up once they are engaged/married? If not, how can you tell whether they were planning on getting engaged?

This was a divorce statistic, so, yes, these couples did get married.

ETA:

Here is the article link:

Living Together, loving together, divorcing together

 

According to a March report from the National Center for Health Statistics, which was based on the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, men and women who lived together before they got engaged were less likely to reach their 10th anniversary than those who didn't. Among men, 53 percent who cohabited before they got engaged made it to the 10th year of marriage, compared with 71 percent who moved in together after engagement and 69 percent who waited until marriage to live together. Results were similar for women: 55 percent of pre-engagement cohabiters made it to 10 years of marriage, compared with 66 percent who waited to move in until engagement and 65 percent who waited until marriage.

Edited July 13, 2010 by dirty ethel rackham

[Danestress]

about how divorce has replaced death in our culture.

 

It used to be that people got married and the chances that one of them would die were fairly good. Women died in childbirth. They married older men who died leaving them young widows. Men went off to war and died. Apparently, the percentage of children living with only 1 parent 150 years ago was not significantly different than the percentage living with only 1 parent now. The difference was that it used to be death that caused this rather than divorce. Nature used to provide a way to get a little marital variety going, but modern medicine has given us longer lives, and blessed us with longer marriages.

 

A long marriage is hard to sustain, though. I don't think we are easily able to do it, especially in less than ideal circumstances. It requires work and sacrifice. On one hand, we can say it's all about a "me me me" mindset. Or we can say that people are created as individuals, not units, and that it's HARD to live with someone for 60 years.

 

I also think that part of the problem with divorce is not that we are selfish. It's that we are more independent. I think parents used to be move involved in the courting process. Even in communities where marriages were based on love and young people more or less chose who to marry, they were more likely to be guided by parents. And they were more likely to live near parents.

[Barry Goldwater]

Anyone think the modern American concept of dating versus courtship / prep for marriage is partly responsible? I believe people have a hard time breaking 'patterns.' So if the pattern in life is, infatuation, dating, romance, boredom, frustration, incompatibility, breakup, rinse/repeat, for, say 10-15 years before marriage (from when, say you are 15 yrs old till 25-30), THEN, infatuation, date, romance, MARRIAGE, boredom, frustration, incompatibility, divorce, rinse repeat?

 

Our family policy is, no dating, period, while under 18. At the time a grown child is ready to consider marriage, a focused, concerted courtship would be ideal, with like-minded man & family...(I'll let you know how it works out :tongue_smilie:).

 

I also think that fewer & fewer married adults (let me speak just about Christian marriages, as mine is...don't want to paint with too wide a brush) view their marriage as a covenant relationship, sanctioned by Almighty God, and a powerful witness for Christ. I think it's easier to stay married when that is you perspective.

 

I personally am frightfully alarmed at the rate of divorce among professing followers of Jesus, in addition to the divorce rate at large.

 

wow...stream of consciousness post...sorry!

[Wheres Toto]

My perspective may be unpopular, but I am going to say it anyway.

The divorce rate is a sign of the times and yes, it reflects, to some extent- and I wont guess how much- a population of people who are focused on the wrong things, who cant cope with bad times, who dont understand the long term seasons of marriage, who want what they want and want it now...all of that, I agree. In other words, a lot of immaturity.

 

However, I also think it represents a culture where:

It is no longer necessary to stay in a relationship where one partner is being abused.

It is no longer necessary for a woman to stay with a man, no matter how loveless the marriage is, for financial reasons.

And mostly....there are a lot of us for whom marriage is a spiritual relationship and the sharing of emotional growth, maturity and deepening love is a pre requisite for staying in the marriage, not just entering it. In other words, people arent going to waste their lives with someone with whom they no longer have much in common or dont get along with any more, and where there is no, or very little, love left.

It is very difficult to stay in a relationship where one partner is growing and maturing and blossoming, and the other just watches TV all day. I am not saying it is impossible, and I am all for giving it a really, realyl good go...but I personally feel grateful for being able to "move on" from unhealthy relationships form my earlier life.

For those who have been with one partner their whole adult life, and who are still with them, and for whom that relationship is still alive and full of underlying love and respect....it might be hard to imagine how many peopel are in situations where that is NOT the case, no matter how hard ONE of the partners tries.

 

So I dont think the divorce rate reflects only people who gave up too easily. It also reflects many, many unique situations that, if you only walked in their shoes, you would help them leave their unhealthy situaitons and move on to something better. I think there are a lot more of those situaitons than people realise.

 

:iagree:

 

I wonder what a break-down of the statistics among military families versus civilian would show. I have heard that the rate is higher among military families with the stress of deployments, etc. so our recent actions overseas could be contributing to a higher divorce rate.

 

Divorce rates are higher among those who marry young but I guess it would be interesting to see rates among those who practice parent-led courtship. Although a lower rate could indicate a fear of (even just perceived) parental disapproval leading to a tendency to stay in a bad situation longer.

 

When I was growing up in the 70's, my mother was one of the very few divorced parents I was aware of. Now, I see it all the time among my oldest dd's friends - the majority of her friends have divorced parents. Many have younger half siblings.

[Joanne]

I personally am frightfully alarmed at the rate of divorce among professing followers of Jesus, in addition to the divorce rate at large.

 

 

 

I am personally frightfully alarmed at the definition of "marriage" being stripped to "not divorced" and the elevation of a piece of paper to idol status.

 

I am experientially (and, through observation of others) personally appalled at the way many "believers" have failed hurting, scared and stuck marriage partners.

 

I'm frightened at the prevailing myth of the superficial divorce.

 

I'm not "for" divorce. But I am more "for" divorce than I am preserving a paper-only marriage.

[Kathleen in VA]

Anyone think the modern American concept of dating versus courtship / prep for marriage is partly responsible? I believe people have a hard time breaking 'patterns.' So if the pattern in life is, infatuation, dating, romance, boredom, frustration, incompatibility, breakup, rinse/repeat, for, say 10-15 years before marriage (from when, say you are 15 yrs old till 25-30), THEN, infatuation, date, romance, MARRIAGE, boredom, frustration, incompatibility, divorce, rinse repeat?

 

Absolutely!

 

Our family policy is, no dating, period, while under 18. At the time a grown child is ready to consider marriage, a focused, concerted courtship would be ideal, with like-minded man & family...(I'll let you know how it works out :tongue_smilie:).

 

This is our policy as well and we just had our first get married on June 5th. Only one month into it, but so far, so good.:) And, although I know God is soveriegn and works all things for good to those who love Him, I can't help thinking how nice it would have been if I'd been raised in a similar fashion.

 

I also think that fewer & fewer married adults (let me speak just about Christian marriages, as mine is...don't want to paint with too wide a brush) view their marriage as a covenant relationship, sanctioned by Almighty God, and a powerful witness for Christ. I think it's easier to stay married when that is you perspective.

 

Indeed! There have been many times in my own marriage when things were rough and I was hurting, but knowing that my marriage was a representation of Christ and His church compelled me all the more to lean on Him for strength and grace to see me through.

 

I personally am frightfully alarmed at the rate of divorce among professing followers of Jesus, in addition to the divorce rate at large.

 

I'm alarmed, too, and I think your first conclusion has much to do with this. Folks just aren't learning how to make a commitment and stick to it. It's too easy to walk away when the going gets tough.

 

wow...stream of consciousness post...sorry!

 

No worries!

 

:iagree:

 

And, Joanne, I understand your perspective as well. God allowed divorce in OT law because of the hardness of men's hearts. He knew there would be situations where it would be better for one/both of the parties involved to be able to get out of the commitment. Still, I think the mentality that "I'm just not a happy camper for lots of superficial reasons" plays a big part in folks not sticking it out. No marriage is 100% bliss and I think many people have unrealistic expectations. That said, my parents divorced because my dad was abusive and I'm very glad my mom was able to get out of a bad situation.

[Daisy]

Wow. That is surprising. I thought that the divorce rate was going down. Almost all of our friends, families and neighbors (of our generation) are still married to their first spouse. I am actually surprised these days when I meet someone from my generation or younger that is divorced. However, when I was growing up it seemed like everyone's parents were divorced.

 

Opposite here. Sadly, I know far too many friends who have gotten divorced in recent years. It came as quite the shock when our friends started going through that. I guess we wrongly thought our inner group would be immune.

Edited July 13, 2010 by Daisy

[LibraryLover]

That is interesting. I hadn't really thought about that. Hmmm...

 

about how divorce has replaced death in our culture.

 

It used to be that people got married and the chances that one of them would die were fairly good. Women died in childbirth. They married older men who died leaving them young widows. Men went off to war and died. Apparently, the percentage of children living with only 1 parent 150 years ago was not significantly different than the percentage living with only 1 parent now. The difference was that it used to be death that caused this rather than divorce. Nature used to provide a way to get a little marital variety going, but modern medicine has given us longer lives, and blessed us with longer marriages.

 

A long marriage is hard to sustain, though. I don't think we are easily able to do it, especially in less than ideal circumstances. It requires work and sacrifice. On one hand, we can say it's all about a "me me me" mindset. Or we can say that people are created as individuals, not units, and that it's HARD to live with someone for 60 years.

 

I also think that part of the problem with divorce is not that we are selfish. It's that we are more independent. I think parents used to be move involved in the courting process. Even in communities where marriages were based on love and young people more or less chose who to marry, they were more likely to be guided by parents. And they were more likely to live near parents.

[simka2]

The statistics are misleading. What they are is a comparison of how many people got married in a year compared to how many people got divorced. But it doesn't reflect all the other people who stayed married that same year. So year one, 200 people get married and 100 people get divorced. That gives a 50% divorce rate. In year two, another 200 people get married and 100 get divorced. Now you have 200 married and 100 divorced but the divorce rate is still 50%. In year three, 200 more get married, 100 more get divorced and you have now a total of 300 people who either got married or stayed married. Do this for a adult lifetime and you see how come your experiences don't jive with the statistics. The statistics are true for what they measure but don't really make sense for our experiences.

 

:iagree:Thanks for posting this!!!!! I too am someone who is glad that divorce in certain situations has become more acceptable. I value marriage highly in many ways, but am so thankful that my dear friend with abusive husband was able to get away from him, remarry a pastor and serve many other trapped women thru her life!

[amy g.]

I have a new theory about this.

 

First, let me say that my parents divorced when I was 8, and I am so thankful that they did not stay married. Sometimes divorce is the best solution for everyone in the family.

 

I have the the special privilege to be going through my mid-life changes at the same time that I have teenagers, a toddler, and a baby.

 

I have been struck by how we are all going through the same cycle of equilibrium, disequilibrium, equilibrium, disequilibrium...

 

Miss Happy used to be satisfied laying in my arms and nursing all day long. She has really gotten dissatisfied with that. She wants to be up and moving, seeing things and interacting with people. Her dissatisfaction has been vitally important to her learning to talk and crawl.

 

My sister commented that she was concerned that Mr. Clever just wasn't as happy as he used to be. I answered that maybe being unhappy is his job right now. If he does not become dissatisfied with our family, and living here, how can he ever grow up and start his own life?

 

I have always been a very glass-half-full, Pollyanna person. In December, when Miss Happy was born, I had a sudden and crushing postpartum depression. Fortunately, I recognized that it was chemical in nature because it was exactly how I felt on infertility drugs. If I hadn't, I might have killed myself or run away from my family. I might have concluded that my unhappiness must be someone else's fault.

 

When I was unhappy, I asked myself, "Am I unhappy for a reason? Is this a period of dissatisfaction that I need to go through in order to progress to the next stage of my life?" I also asked, "What do I need to change about me and my own life to be happy?"

 

I have many real life friends who are unhappy right now. Most of my friends are either getting a divorce, or wishing they were. Maybe dissatisfaction in our 40s is important to our future growth. I see them asking, "What could my husband be changing about my life that would make me happy?"

 

For myself, I went ahead and bought the expensive BOB double stroller. I'm spending over an hour a day walking in the sunshine with Miss Beautiful while I listen to CDs on metaphysics.

 

I've cut out sugar and white flour and lost 15 lbs. of baby weight so far. I've also cut WAY back on outside obligations, and started going out alone with my husband for the first time in 16 years. I've gotten just a whole lot happier.

 

When the depression first started, Dh said, "I'll do anything I can to help." I told him that I already knew that, but he couldn't help a problem internal to me, just as I can't fix my son's adolescent dissatisfaction or my toddler's frustration.

 

My new theory is that at some stages it is appropriate and necessary to be unhappy. It would help us to ask, "What is this unhappiness trying to teach me?" instead of just trying to stop it at any cost.

 

Sometimes divorce is the very best option, but I've seen too many friends and relatives going from marriage to marriage without ever learning to take their own power, and responsibility for their lives and happiness. They are looking for that ideal partner who will save them from themselves, so each new relationship is certain to fail.

 

Now, I have to get off of this computer and take my walk!

[simka2]

I am personally frightfully alarmed at the definition of "marriage" being stripped to "not divorced" and the elevation of a piece of paper to idol status.

 

I am experientially (and, through observation of others) personally appalled at the way many "believers" have failed hurting, scared and stuck marriage partners.

 

I'm frightened at the prevailing myth of the superficial divorce.

 

I'm not "for" divorce. But I am more "for" divorce than I am preserving a paper-only marriage.

How did I miss this!!!! These are things I have been wrestling with for awhile.

[IsabelC]

about how divorce has replaced death in our culture.

 

It used to be that people got married and the chances that one of them would die were fairly good. Women died in childbirth. They married older men who died leaving them young widows. Men went off to war and died. Apparently, the percentage of children living with only 1 parent 150 years ago was not significantly different than the percentage living with only 1 parent now. The difference was that it used to be death that caused this rather than divorce. Nature used to provide a way to get a little marital variety going, but modern medicine has given us longer lives, and blessed us with longer marriages.

 

A long marriage is hard to sustain, though. I don't think we are easily able to do it, especially in less than ideal circumstances. It requires work and sacrifice. On one hand, we can say it's all about a "me me me" mindset. Or we can say that people are created as individuals, not units, and that it's HARD to live with someone for 60 years.

 

I also think that part of the problem with divorce is not that we are selfish. It's that we are more independent. I think parents used to be move involved in the courting process. Even in communities where marriages were based on love and young people more or less chose who to marry, they were more likely to be guided by parents. And they were more likely to live near parents.

Those are some really interesting ideas. Personally I think it's a bit of both, re the selfish vs independent. And I think the selfish part of it may have a lot to do with the way romantic love is portrayed in popular culture.

[Mrs Mungo]

Here's another interesting article , it deals specifically with the military and divorce. This explains the stats a little differently.

 

Anyone think the modern American concept of dating versus courtship / prep for marriage is partly responsible? I believe people have a hard time breaking 'patterns.' So if the pattern in life is, infatuation, dating, romance, boredom, frustration, incompatibility, breakup, rinse/repeat, for, say 10-15 years before marriage (from when, say you are 15 yrs old till 25-30), THEN, infatuation, date, romance, MARRIAGE, boredom, frustration, incompatibility, divorce, rinse repeat?

 

Our family policy is, no dating, period, while under 18. At the time a grown child is ready to consider marriage, a focused, concerted courtship would be ideal, with like-minded man & family...(I'll let you know how it works out :tongue_smilie:).

 

I also think that fewer & fewer married adults (let me speak just about Christian marriages, as mine is...don't want to paint with too wide a brush) view their marriage as a covenant relationship, sanctioned by Almighty God, and a powerful witness for Christ. I think it's easier to stay married when that is you perspective.

 

I personally am frightfully alarmed at the rate of divorce among professing followers of Jesus, in addition to the divorce rate at large.

 

wow...stream of consciousness post...sorry!

 

When I was a teenager my aunt wrote me a letter about dating. Her advice was-go out on a lot of dates, go out to dinner, have fun, but do not get involved with someone that you would not consider marrying. I went out on a *lot* of first dates. A LOT. I think it really helped me see what I did and did not want with an objective eye. I did not get serious about anyone until I met the man who is now my husband. I don't know that I agree that *dating* is the problem.

[spradlin02]

Divorce rates have been falling since 1981. They're at their lowest since 1970.

[Perry]

about how divorce has replaced death in our culture.

 

It used to be that people got married and the chances that one of them would die were fairly good. Women died in childbirth. They married older men who died leaving them young widows. Men went off to war and died. Apparently, the percentage of children living with only 1 parent 150 years ago was not significantly different than the percentage living with only 1 parent now. The difference was that it used to be death that caused this rather than divorce. Nature used to provide a way to get a little marital variety going, but modern medicine has given us longer lives, and blessed us with longer marriages.

 

A long marriage is hard to sustain, though. I don't think we are easily able to do it, especially in less than ideal circumstances. It requires work and sacrifice. On one hand, we can say it's all about a "me me me" mindset. Or we can say that people are created as individuals, not units, and that it's HARD to live with someone for 60 years.

 

I also think that part of the problem with divorce is not that we are selfish. It's that we are more independent. I think parents used to be move involved in the courting process. Even in communities where marriages were based on love and young people more or less chose who to marry, they were more likely to be guided by parents. And they were more likely to live near parents.

 

Very interesting perspective. Thanks for posting this.

[Jugglin'5]

Here's another interesting article , it deals specifically with the military and divorce. This explains the stats a little differently.

 

 

 

When I was a teenager my aunt wrote me a letter about dating. Her advice was-go out on a lot of dates, go out to dinner, have fun, but do not get involved with someone that you would not consider marrying. I went out on a *lot* of first dates. A LOT. I think it really helped me see what I did and did not want with an objective eye. I did not get serious about anyone until I met the man who is now my husband. I don't know that I agree that *dating* is the problem.

 

I wish my dating life had been like this. For me and most of my friends dating meant getting involved. My mom's dating life in the 50s and early 60s was more like yours. She had a different date nearly every Friday. While I lean towards a courtship model, I think it is important that they don't get involved with the first guy that shows an interest. Maybe I want a melded dating/courtship thing. Well, what I want is for them not to get attached to an unsuitable person. Soooo, we talk a lot about what they should be looking for in a mate and when the appropriate time for that is.

[Mrs Mungo]

I wish my dating life had been like this. For me and most of my friends dating meant getting involved. My mom's dating life in the 50s and early 60s was more like yours. She had a different date nearly every Friday. While I lean towards a courtship model' date=' I think it is important that they don't get involved with the first guy that shows an interest. Maybe I want a melded dating/courtship thing. Well, what I want is for them not to get attached to an unsuitable person. Soooo, we talk a lot about what they should be looking for in a mate and when the appropriate time for that is.[/quote']

 

I tend to agree. It's something I've been working through with my own teen. I don't like the courtship model, because I think it makes it just as easy to get involved with the wrong guy, even if it's for the right reasons, does that make sense? I guess I don't think teen dating should mirror what we see modeled as adult dating on tv or in movies. I think going out, having fun and getting an idea about what you want in a man is different than getting involved in a relationship.

[Medieval Mom]

I deleted content here that was just me venting about in-laws. Bleh.

 

Suffice it to say that, whether the rates of divorce are indeed waxing or waning, divorce itself saddens me.

 

I remember reading a study that men who watched a movie felt afterwards that their spouse was less attractive, less desirable, etc. than before watching the movie. I'll try to find the link. Do you think film/media may be partly responsible? Never in the history of the world have we been exposed to so many "beautiful" people, and with such frequency. I do notice, anecdotally, that the friends we have whose dhs watch the most movies are also more deragotory to their wives. Whether this is cause or effect, or cyclical in nature is hard to determine.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Medieval Mom
Changed my mind about airing family laundry online.

[Jugglin'5]

I tend to agree. It's something I've been working through with my own teen. I don't like the courtship model, because I think it makes it just as easy to get involved with the wrong guy, even if it's for the right reasons, does that make sense? I guess I don't think teen dating should mirror what we see modeled as adult dating on tv or in movies. I think going out, having fun and getting an idea about what you want in a man is different than getting involved in a relationship.

 

 

I think I favor no one-on-one dating for teens, but rather socializing in groups. My daughters have made many astute observations already about male behavior from their friendships. I know one college girl whose family followed a more "loose" courtship model - more like guided, thoughtful dating - who ruled out a guy she had been seriously considering, after a group camping trip. He let the girls gather all the firewood while he sat on his butt. :D She said she's not sure she ever would have known that about him if she had only seen him in more traditional settings (restaurants,etc). She's now happily married to a doctor who is as active and outdoorsy as she is.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think I favor no one-on-one dating for teens' date=' but rather socializing in groups. My daughters have made many astute observations already about male behavior from their friendships. I know one college girl whose family followed a more "loose" courtship model - more like guided, thoughtful dating - who ruled out a guy she had been seriously considering, after a group camping trip. He let the girls gather all the firewood while he sat on his butt. :D She said she's not sure she ever would have known that about him if she had only seen him in more traditional settings (restaurants,etc). She's now happily married to a doctor who is as active and outdoorsy as she is.[/quote']

 

I think socializing in groups is a great start. When I was "dating" as a describe above, I was 18-20 years old, not a young teen.

[aggieamy]

When I was a teenager my aunt wrote me a letter about dating. Her advice was-go out on a lot of dates, go out to dinner, have fun, but do not get involved with someone that you would not consider marrying. I went out on a *lot* of first dates. A LOT. I think it really helped me see what I did and did not want with an objective eye. I did not get serious about anyone until I met the man who is now my husband. I don't know that I agree that *dating* is the problem.

 

This sounds like what I would want for my girls, you know - in 50 years when they're old enough to date. How would I go about encouraging behavior like that?

[Mrs Mungo]

I remember reading a study that men who watched a movie felt afterwards that their spouse was less attractive, less desirable, etc. than before watching the movie. I'll try to find the link. Do you think film/media may be partly responsible? Never in the history of the world have we been exposed to so many "beautiful" people, and with such frequency. I do notice, anecdotally, that the friends we have whose dhs watch the most movies are also more deragotory to their wives. Whether this is cause or effect, or cyclical in nature is hard to determine.

 

You know what bothers me? The number of drop-dead gorgeous women with not-so-attractive guys in movies and on tv. I think it gives guys this idea that they ALL deserve a supermodel, no matter where they fall on the attraction scale.

 

This sounds like what I would want for my girls, you know - in 50 years when they're old enough to date. How would I go about encouraging behavior like that?

 

Print out this thread and save it? :lol: