Autistic neighbor - advice?

[PollyOR]

We have a family temporarily living in the neighborhood. Right now their daughter is playing inside with my youngest. Meanwhile her 6yo autistic brother has spent the past 45+ minutes trying to get in our front door and tapping on our windows. He is very unhappy. I am finding this emotionally draining to listen to this little guy crying outside my house. His mom can see the front of my house, so I'm assuming they are aware he is over here. They let him roam the neighborhood. I doubt it would do any good to talk with his mom as they will only be living here another month.

 

Any advice?

 

edited to add: I sent the kids home. I told my 8yo that they'll probably need to play in the yard from now on. The little guy just doesn't understand why he wasn't included.

Edited June 19, 2010 by PollyOR

[Jean in Newcastle]

Since they are new, could he perhaps think that your house is his own? Perhaps if you went out and talked to him and led him home if it seemed like he was really trying to go home? That wouldn't be confrontational.

 

Oh - just saw your update. I hadn't realized that one child had been invited inside, and one hadn't. I'm glad you worked it out.

[LauraGB]

Considering the child is only 6 years old, autistic or not, I would escort him back home and ask Mom if she was missing anyone.

[lmrich]

I have been there and dealt with that. Except it is the grandson of our neighbors and our friend's son. I have had the little boy get into our house and cause havoc (walking in the bathroom while my dd was taking a shower).... I spoke very kindly to the grandparents and to the parents. But what worked the best was to talk to his sister, my dd's friend, and she knew exactly how to talk to her brother to get him to listen. I have since then been able to communicate better with the boy and sometimes he listens to me.

 

I would recommend talking to his sister and talking to his parents, gently and kindly. It is a tricky thing. I started with saying, that I know that I am a big worry wart... and I am just concerned for your son's safety - what can I do to help you keep him safe?

 

Best of luck

[Mom2J112903]

Considering the child is only 6 years old, autistic or not, I would escort him back home and ask Mom if she was missing anyone.

 

:iagree:

[fivetails]

Why can't he play too?

[Impish]

Why can't he play too?

That was my first thought.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Why can't he play too?

 

That's why I missed the fact at first that one child had been invited inside and the other left outside to cry. I'm sorry but disabled or not, that sits very wrongly with me.

[Spy Car]

Why can't he play too?

 

That was my first thought.

 

Mine too.

 

Bill

[abbeyej]

Either find a way for the girls to include him, or gently walk him home and explain the situation to his mother (that the girls are playing, he feels left out, and is consequently ringing/pounding on your door).

[Wendi]

I would have either (1) let him come in, too or (2) brought him home to his mom. Just because the mom can see the front of your house, doesn't mean she's looking at it. Maybe she expected BOTH of her kids to be playing there, and has no idea her son is outside your house crying. If he hasn't come back home, she may be assuming he's playing at your house. Either way, I wouldn't leave a kid outside crying.

 

A temporary living situation is probably very stressful for an autistic kiddo, so he's probably not able to cope with his feelings right now. I'd bring him to his mom.

 

Wendi

Edited June 20, 2010 by Wendi
typo

[cjbeach]

If a child has a sibling close in age I usually invite the other child in as well ( I have 3 kiddos very close in age and I know how that it is when one is out and the other one wants to go). If it gets to be too much I just say we need to clean up now :) time for us to get ready for "x,y,z."

 

I've had the 4yo neighbor next door over here for as little as 30 minutes because he tore my house apart. Have you tried having him over for a short period of time? I'm sure he would really enjoy it and you can always walk him back if it doesn't work. Breaks my heart.....

Edited June 20, 2010 by cjbeach

[sassenach]

Why in the world would you just ignore him? If any other child was crying on your porch, would you treat him that way? Jeez, if you don't want a child with autism (he's not an autistic boy, he's a boy with autism) in your home, then at least have the decency to lead him back home.

[justasque]

I'm a little confused. When the boy knocked on the door, did you answer and explain that his sister was playing with your dd but that he couldn't play with them? If so, how did he react to that? Why didn't you include him - you didn't explain that part. Younger siblings, autistic or not, can feel left out if not invited. I know there is an age and gender difference, but without talking to the mom I don't think I'd have one kid in and not their sibling. Some families are more used to socializing inclusively, and two years isn't all that much.

 

Also, it can be incredibly helpful, educationally/socially, for autistic kids to be included as much as possible with other kids' play. It can be challenging for all involved, but so incredibly valuable to the autistic child. I really feel it's our moral duty to include the disabled whenever we can, so I'm not sure I understand why you didn't?

 

I would not assume the mom knew he was there, and even if she did she may not have been aware of the problem, especially if she is used to having him included.

 

(ETA: If you want to have a play date with just the sister, I'd make sure the mom was aware of it so she could engage/distract the brother, and help him to understand that sometimes his sister will be doing things without him.)

 

Playing in the yard in the future may be the best way to solve the problem if you are uncomfortable having him in the house.

 

I know it's strange to have "roaming" kids in your neighborhood. I have addressed the issue by making them welcome in my home, and treating them more-or-less as I'd treat my own kids. It's paid off in the long run, for our community and for our family, not to mention for the kids themselves. Of course, you have to set some limits, but so long as these are clear, and pleasantly conveyed, it works out well.

 

We are all given gifts to use for the benefit of all.

Edited June 20, 2010 by askPauline
adding perspective.

[PollyOR]

Hey, I didn't share this to get slammed. But, I guess I did put myself out there. I was hoping some moms with experience would gently share how they would like their child to be treated because I knew I didn't want to go through that again. I do have a nephew who is autistic but his mom doesn't leave her child to roam the neighborhood.

 

Why didn't I invite him in? I would have had to stay with him wherever he went in the house. That was the initial reason. By the time this was all over I DID decide to invite him inside next time and see how things go.

 

I'm not an ogre. Just inexperienced.

[kalanamak]

 

I'm not an ogre. Just inexperienced.

 

At least when I was growing up, my brother's friends were his friends and the little sis was NEVER invited. Girls, YUK, you know.

 

Poor kid. Mom might need a break. Heck, sister might need a break. But, it will be over in a month.

[JFSinIL]

I have an autistic son,and three nt kids, so here is my scoop - 1. the sister needs time AWAY from her brother, no doubt. She lives with him. Time to just play like any other kid with another nt (neuro-typical) kid can be precious for the sibling of a child with autism.

 

2. The boy might not respond well to a stranger taking him by the hand and leading him home. You can not predict his response. Better to call or go knock on the mom's door and ask her to please come get him.

 

3. You can also tell the mom "When we are outside Bobby is welcome to come play." That makes it sound more like the girls are playing, well, girl games inside - not that you are trying to exclude the boy based on his autism. Then, please do have the kids make an effort to include Bobby when outside. My son LOVED it when the other kids let him participate in Duck Duck Goose!!!

 

Hope this makes sense!

 

PS - we have had a wide range of kids on our block. It is not uncommon for just the same age, same gender kids to want to play, indoors or out, without the siblings. Other times everyone plays together. There is no hard and fast rule. I would never force the "everyone" gets to play rule.

Edited June 20, 2010 by JFSinIL

[mrbmom77]

2. The boy might not respond well to a stranger taking him by the hand and leading him home. You can not predict his response. Better to call or go knock on the mom's door and ask her to please come get him.

 

 

:iagree: I also have to say that I wouldn't let my nt 6 yr old wander around, much less my autistic one. I also don't expect other people to understand or know how to deal with my son, so I keep him close to me except with certain people who have known him all his life that I know have the patience and understanding to handle him. Autistic kids are very vulnerable in so many ways - that mom is just asking for trouble letting him wander on his own.

[Mommyfaithe]

Why in the world would you just ignore him? If any other child was crying on your porch, would you treat him that way? Jeez, if you don't want a child with autism (he's not an autistic boy, he's a boy with autism) in your home, then at least have the decency to lead him back home.

 

This really confused me as well....How could you leave a little boy outside your house crying, knocking on the window and obviously in distress??? I would have asked his Mom if it was ok for him to come in and play too or at least got him a cookie....I don't get it.

 

Faithe

ETA: i don't think you are an ogre and this is not a slam. I do think the little boy needed asisstance. Either help to get home or calling his Mom to come and get him would have been appropriate. I can see the girls wanting their own time and 3 is a drag. Next time, make sure the mom knows it is girls only time, this way she knows the little one is not left behind.

Edited June 20, 2010 by Mommyfaithe

[LauraGB]

I have an autistic son,and three nt kids, so here is my scoop - 1. the sister needs time AWAY from her brother, no doubt. She lives with him. Time to just play like any other kid with another nt (neuro-typical) kid can be precious for the sibling of a child with autism.

 

2. The boy might not respond well to a stranger taking him by the hand and leading him home. You can not predict his response. Better to call or go knock on the mom's door and ask her to please come get him.

 

3. You can also tell the mom "When we are outside Bobby is welcome to come play." That makes it sound more like the girls are playing, well, girl games inside - not that you are trying to exclude the boy based on his autism. Then, please do have the kids make an effort to include Bobby when outside. My son LOVED it when the other kids let him participate in Duck Duck Goose!!!

 

Hope this makes sense!

 

Oh, I'm so glad someone said this! I've been debating whether (or rather how) to word this.

 

First, I want to say: Polly, you are not an ogre.

 

Second, as a sibling to a disabled sister, we DO need time away; time to be our own kid, time to play with abandon and not have that much constant responsibility at such a young age.

 

My own kids are twins. When dd first started going over to her friend's house by invitation, it was hard to explain to ds that he couldn't go too. But so it goes eventually, even for staggered (age) kids. Each child is an individual and it is the parents' responsibility to help everyone acclimate to the changes.

 

IMO the neighbor Mom should have been more aware of the situation and helped her son by entertaining him with other things, not necessarily as an autistic child, but as any other six year old boy with an 8 year old sister. Allowing her six year old to go over to OP's house, unexpected, and without briefing the OP about how to handle his special needs is unfair not only to the OP, but to the son and the daughter and everyone involved.

Edited June 20, 2010 by LauraGB

[PollyOR]

This really confused me as well....How could you leave a little boy outside your house crying, knocking on the window and obviously in distress??? I would have asked his Mom if it was ok for him to come in and play too or at least got him a cookie....I don't get it.

 

Faithe

 

This is exactly why I came here asking for advice...because I realized that what I was doing wasn't working for this little boy. I wasn't purposely being malicious. When his sister came in the house she was the one who locked the door. I thought this is the way they handled him. Also, it has been my experience that most kids will wander away within five minutes if I don't answer the door.

 

I asked for advice not judgment. I had already judged myself.

[justasque]

Polly, you are not an ogre.

It is not your responsibility to parent this young man.

Good for you for asking here for advice.

I hope my post above didn't feel attack-y - I figured there was more to the story, and your 2nd post cleared up some questions.

 

I posted above, but I'll reiterate that communication is the key - with the boy's mom, with the boy himself, and with the sister. As previous posters noted, a blend of playing all together (perhaps outside) and "girl time" is probably the best way to go. Hopefully the mom is sensible and this was some kind of misunderstanding or oversight. Hopefully, with communication, things will go better next time. Otherwise, her son has an even tougher ride than we may realize.

[MyBlueLobsters]

Polly, you are not an ogre.

It is not your responsibility to parent this young man.

 

 

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Polly, I know you are feeling slammed. And I know and get that you were asking for advice. But your OP when you said that this boy was crying for over 45 min. outside your home, that really upset me and still does. I could see 5 or 10 min. and then going to get the mom but that long a time just seems too much. I'm not posting this to shame you but to explain just why I spoke up. (I usually wouldn't).

[PollyOR]

The kids were just here to play in our back yard.

 

Yes, he will need constant supervision at our house. He's not destructive but was into everything checking out how things work. Very, very busy. He kept me on my toes.

 

I could tell a difference in his sister this time. She kept an eye on him constantly. I think setting up a separate play date for her would be a nice break from being the responsible big sister role.

 

I unexpectedly got a kiss on the cheek. :001_wub:

[Julie in MO]

this weekend my dd and I read a book entitled "Mockingbird" written from the perspective of a child with Asperger's. I know that is different than autism, but the book was so insightful and useful for helping us "see" inside the thought processes of this disease process. We both feel more empathetic. I taught a Bible study class with an autistic boy for 3 years - it was challenging, hard, rewarding, and draining. Do some research on the internet to make yourself feel more educated - that's so valuable. Best wishes in navigating this situation.

Blessings,

Julie

[Renthead Mommy]

Okay if the sister was the one to lock the door, locking him out, to mean that means she wants time ALONE.

 

I agree, usually, if you've already told them no and they don't get it, if you ignore them, they go away/stop ringing the bell/get the hint you aren't going to let them in/your kids can't play. I'm guessing this 6yo (like many 6yo, issues or not) just doesn't get the hint.

 

I probably would have told him 'the girls are playing now' why don't you go home now." and then gone on my way in the house, given him a few minutes to figure it out and then either taken him home or called him mom. I don't know if I would have told her he was knocking on windows (unless we got deeper into the conversation-personally I'd be mortified if my kid acted like that, but that could be normal behavior him, I don't know) but I'd probably tell her he doesn't seem to understand the girls are playing now and it's time to to go home.

 

What I don't get is the whole "if you play with one of my kids, you have to play with ALL of my kids' mentality.

 

Why? What if my kid/me doesn't like all of your kids? What if mine only has something in common with one of yours? Not the others?

 

Don't your kids deserve to have independent friendships? Doesn't my kid deserve to play with the ones he meshes with the most? Why is it my kid's job and the job one sibling to have to entertain other siblings?

 

Kickball and yard games are one thing, everyone can play. But 'come in and we'll play whatever in my room' should mean they get to pick who comes to play.

[Firefly]

-- sorry for the hijack, but what is NT?--

[MyBlueLobsters]

-- sorry for the hijack, but what is NT?--

 

 

I have an autistic son,and three nt kids, so here is my scoop - 1. the sister needs time AWAY from her brother, no doubt. She lives with him. Time to just play like any other kid with another nt (neuro-typical) kid can be precious for the sibling of a child with autism.

 

 

 

I think in other posts NT can mean "No text" if you don't add text to your response.

[Firefly]

Oops, that's what I get for skimming! Thanks, Blue Lobster. We now return to your regularly scheduled thread...:D

[cbollin]

Why didn't I invite him in? I would have had to stay with him wherever he went in the house. That was the initial reason. By the time this was all over I DID decide to invite him inside next time and see how things go.

 

I'm not an ogre. Just inexperienced.

 

 

My youngest has autism. I understand where you're coming from with keeping an eye on them in the house.

 

This is what I would have liked if you and I were neighbors in this situation.

 

Try to talk to my child and try to bring her home to me. If my child couldn't answer you, please ask older sibling to break from playing and come get me!

 

Then invite both of us back to your house to enjoy some neighborly time. We could sit on the porch if that would work better. or play in shady part of the yard.

 

or better yet, you and your kids come on over. But be warned, my life is stressful with all that comes with a young child with autism. My house will be weird too.

 

I probably don't want you in my house. But that's because I"m embarrassed at how I have to do stuff to deal with it. I'd love your company though and I bet your kids are great to hang out with too.

 

 

that's what I wish from the other side of it. Bring my kid home, or ask older sib to help. Invite us both over and I'll be happy to watch my kid and try to talk with you and hang out.

 

-crystal

[Carrie12345]

Polly, you are not an ogre.

It is not your responsibility to parent this young man.

Good for you for asking here for advice.

I hope my post above didn't feel attack-y - I figured there was more to the story, and your 2nd post cleared up some questions.

 

I posted above, but I'll reiterate that communication is the key - with the boy's mom, with the boy himself, and with the sister. As previous posters noted, a blend of playing all together (perhaps outside) and "girl time" is probably the best way to go. Hopefully the mom is sensible and this was some kind of misunderstanding or oversight. Hopefully, with communication, things will go better next time. Otherwise, her son has an even tougher ride than we may realize.

 

:iagree:

It's perfectly within your right (and your dd's, and your dd's friend's) to NOT have the little brother in your home. And, really, it is not appropriate for the mother to let her 6yo (autistic or not, imo) to walk around unsupervised.

 

Unfortunately, I'm sure that child has little to know understanding of why this all happened, and I'd bet he was very confused and frustrated. All kids with ASDs have difficulty with social cues, and I'd think his is severe if he has classic autism. It's very likely that all he knew was that he was outside, alone, while his sister was inside, having fun, and he had absolutely no idea what to do about that other than to continue trying to get to where he wanted to be (or thought he was supposed to be.)

 

In the future, I say feel free to bring him home, have his sister deliver him home, our call/phone/walk to his mother to take him home. But please remember that autistic children DO have real feelings just like everyone else, even if they're unable to express them appropriately. A child in distress is a child in distress, and should be addressed as such.

[JFSinIL]

-- sorry for the hijack, but what is NT?--

 

Neuro-typical. It is like being a Muggle ;-)

[JFSinIL]

What I don't get is the whole "if you play with one of my kids, you have to play with ALL of my kids' mentality.

 

Why? What if my kid/me doesn't like all of your kids? What if mine only has something in common with one of yours? Not the others?

 

Don't your kids deserve to have independent friendships? Doesn't my kid deserve to play with the ones he meshes with the most? Why is it my kid's job and the job one sibling to have to entertain other siblings?

 

Kickball and yard games are one thing, everyone can play. But 'come in and we'll play whatever in my room' should mean they get to pick who comes to play.

 

I heartily agree!!!!!! My youngest dd has a best friend with two younger sisters. The middle girl is the tallest girl...and very immature. She manages to just about ruin any outing or playtime. While I will go ahead and take the whole lot to the local pool, if my dd and her friend want to do something w/o PKS (Pesky Kid Sister) I will support them and NOT let her come.

[kalanamak]

-- sorry for the hijack, but what is NT?--

 

It can mean "neurotypical"

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurotypical

 

 

E.g in this situation, it appears the sister is NT and the brother is not.

 

As with many other labels, it is difficult to tread, as you seem to find people upset but whatever path you take. Read it and use it, if you wish, in good faith, and let any angry words fall on deaf ears. (Oooops, there is a metaphor I once got reamed for. :))

[Pajama Mama]

It's possible that big sister is supposed to have her brother tagging along everywhere. I see that a lot around my neighborhood. I see some siblings being responsible and other that try and ditch their brother/sister. How old is the girl? You may have mentioned it. Is she the same age as your 8 yr old dd? That's too young for a child to be responsible for a 6 yo autistic child. I hope that isn't the case. It is too much for a young child.

 

It greatly concerns me that this child is roaming around and mom isn't at least popping her head out to check on him. If she was watching, she would have seen her kid screaming. How do you know he's autistic? Did the mom or sister tell you? Do you know if he has issues that you should look out for? Sticking metal into sockets, walking into the street? You really should talk to the mom before having him inside.

 

I understand that maybe mom needs a break. I have an aspie and a severely disabled child. But she needs to communicate with you. I know it's only a month. But her son is at risk for walking into traffic and other dangers. Typical 6 yo boys think they are unbreakable. I have no idea how an autistic boy would be.

 

I think you are very kind to invite him into your yard. I definitely think making a separate play date for the girl only is kind as well. I make sure to give my nt dd time away from her brothers. I don't want her to resent them. You are a nice lady:)

[angela in ohio]

Okay if the sister was the one to lock the door, locking him out, to mean that means she wants time ALONE.

 

I agree, usually, if you've already told them no and they don't get it, if you ignore them, they go away/stop ringing the bell/get the hint you aren't going to let them in/your kids can't play. I'm guessing this 6yo (like many 6yo, issues or not) just doesn't get the hint.

 

I probably would have told him 'the girls are playing now' why don't you go home now." and then gone on my way in the house, given him a few minutes to figure it out and then either taken him home or called him mom. I don't know if I would have told her he was knocking on windows (unless we got deeper into the conversation-personally I'd be mortified if my kid acted like that, but that could be normal behavior him, I don't know) but I'd probably tell her he doesn't seem to understand the girls are playing now and it's time to to go home.

 

What I don't get is the whole "if you play with one of my kids, you have to play with ALL of my kids' mentality.

 

Why? What if my kid/me doesn't like all of your kids? What if mine only has something in common with one of yours? Not the others?

 

Don't your kids deserve to have independent friendships? Doesn't my kid deserve to play with the ones he meshes with the most? Why is it my kid's job and the job one sibling to have to entertain other siblings?

 

Kickball and yard games are one thing, everyone can play. But 'come in and we'll play whatever in my room' should mean they get to pick who comes to play.

 

:iagree:

 

I think the bolded part is a homeschooler thing. And I think homeschooled kids (especially oldest siblings) are the ones who need a little bit of alone time with friends the most. I threw a birthday party for my girls a few years ago at an ice skating rink. I invited one if their friends, and I was told she couldn't come unless her younger brother (younger than anyone else who would be there and probably not likely to enjoy the flower craft and pink plates) could come, too. :confused: I felt so bad for the little girl.

[PollyOR]

Crystal, thank you!

 

My youngest has autism. I understand where you're coming from with keeping an eye on them in the house.

 

This is what I would have liked if you and I were neighbors in this situation.

 

Try to talk to my child and try to bring her home to me. If my child couldn't answer you, please ask older sibling to break from playing and come get me!

 

Then invite both of us back to your house to enjoy some neighborly time. We could sit on the porch if that would work better. or play in shady part of the yard.

 

or better yet, you and your kids come on over. But be warned, my life is stressful with all that comes with a young child with autism. My house will be weird too.

 

I probably don't want you in my house. But that's because I"m embarrassed at how I have to do stuff to deal with it. I'd love your company though and I bet your kids are great to hang out with too.

 

 

that's what I wish from the other side of it. Bring my kid home, or ask older sib to help. Invite us both over and I'll be happy to watch my kid and try to talk with you and hang out.

 

-crystal

[jujsky]

I've only read through the second page of responses, but it doesn't sound to me like Polly is an ogre. If one of my kids had a playdate without the parents present, I wouldn't want the responsibility of watching the other sibling -- autistic or not. While the girls were playing, I imagine that gave Polly a bit of downtime since she didn't have to entertain her daughter. Why would she want to provide free baby-sitting services and entertainment for someone else's kid? I would NEVER expect someone to do that for one of my kids. Sorry, but the other mom was in the wrong here -- not Polly. At 6, she should have known where her child was and what he was doing -- especially since he has special needs. Maybe Polly should have led him back home, but I know lots of kids with special needs (including my own son) & that's not always as "easy" as it sounds. Sometimes it's difficult to predict how your own child will react to a situation let alone someone else's. As another poster said, many kids with autism are sensitive to touch, so the child may not have reacted well if she tried to take him home.

 

All she was doing was asking for advice on how to best handle the situation in the future. She didn't need to get her head bitten off :glare:

[PollyOR]

His 8yo sister is the one who told me he is autistic. He has an identification bracelet that also has that information on it.

 

I did go out several times and try to get him to go home.

 

When the kids were all playing in the back yard yesterday, he still kept trying to get in the house. On their way home, his sister requested that I let them go through the house rather than through the outside gate. She followed him while he ran through every room before she convinced him to leave.

 

For the most part he rides his little scooter/pedal car(?) on the sidewalk, but I have seen him riding in the road many times.

 

This family is probably under a lot of stress. I'm under the impression that they are military in between duty stations. Our house has the exact same floor plan/sq. footage, so I know they are cramped in their friend's house with lots of little kids. Plus, they have probably gone from having him occupied in school most of the day to keeping an eye on him 24/7.

 

With my youngest being 8yo, I'm not used to closely supervising my kids and their friends. I'm generally aware of what they are playing but I can still do my own thing. When this little guy is over I will have to stay with him. It's going to be a change but I've decided that I'm not going through yesterday's episode again.

Edited June 20, 2010 by PollyOR

[Firefly]

Neuro-typical. It is like being a Muggle ;-)

 

:lol: LOL-- I can live with that!

 

It can mean "neurotypical"

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurotypical

 

 

E.g in this situation, it appears the sister is NT and the brother is not.

 

As with many other labels, it is difficult to tread, as you seem to find people upset but whatever path you take. Read it and use it, if you wish, in good faith, and let any angry words fall on deaf ears. (Oooops, there is a metaphor I once got reamed for. :))

 

Thanks! I've seen it used in other threads too and have been curious about it.

 

To the OP: I agree with the posters who feel your DD has a right to some 1-on-1 playtime with her friend and I'd try to schedule some of those in the future. Of course, including little brother from time to time like you did the second occasion is a nice gesture! In that situation I would have let the little guy in to play, but definitely also called the Mom to let her know where he was. I can't believe he was left to roam!

[Murphy101]

I have an autistic son,and three nt kids, so here is my scoop - 1. the sister needs time AWAY from her brother, no doubt. She lives with him. Time to just play like any other kid with another nt (neuro-typical) kid can be precious for the sibling of a child with autism.

 

2. The boy might not respond well to a stranger taking him by the hand and leading him home. You can not predict his response. Better to call or go knock on the mom's door and ask her to please come get him.

 

3. You can also tell the mom "When we are outside Bobby is welcome to come play." That makes it sound more like the girls are playing, well, girl games inside - not that you are trying to exclude the boy based on his autism. Then, please do have the kids make an effort to include Bobby when outside. My son LOVED it when the other kids let him participate in Duck Duck Goose!!!

 

Hope this makes sense!

 

PS - we have had a wide range of kids on our block. It is not uncommon for just the same age, same gender kids to want to play, indoors or out, without the siblings. Other times everyone plays together. There is no hard and fast rule. I would never force the "everyone" gets to play rule.

 

Okay if the sister was the one to lock the door, locking him out, to mean that means she wants time ALONE.

 

I agree, usually, if you've already told them no and they don't get it, if you ignore them, they go away/stop ringing the bell/get the hint you aren't going to let them in/your kids can't play. I'm guessing this 6yo (like many 6yo, issues or not) just doesn't get the hint.

 

I probably would have told him 'the girls are playing now' why don't you go home now." and then gone on my way in the house, given him a few minutes to figure it out and then either taken him home or called him mom. I don't know if I would have told her he was knocking on windows (unless we got deeper into the conversation-personally I'd be mortified if my kid acted like that, but that could be normal behavior him, I don't know) but I'd probably tell her he doesn't seem to understand the girls are playing now and it's time to to go home.

 

What I don't get is the whole "if you play with one of my kids, you have to play with ALL of my kids' mentality.

 

Why? What if my kid/me doesn't like all of your kids? What if mine only has something in common with one of yours? Not the others?

 

Don't your kids deserve to have independent friendships? Doesn't my kid deserve to play with the ones he meshes with the most? Why is it my kid's job and the job one sibling to have to entertain other siblings?

 

Kickball and yard games are one thing, everyone can play. But 'come in and we'll play whatever in my room' should mean they get to pick who comes to play.

 

 

:iagree: whole-heartedly with both of you!! And I'll add that sometimes my kids don't get friendships bc the parent thinks they have to have all 11 of us just so their 14 year old can play with mine or their girl with my girl. It sucks bc if they'd just ask, I'd tell them they don't have to do that.

 

It's possible that big sister is supposed to have her brother tagging along everywhere. I see that a lot around my neighborhood. I see some siblings being responsible and other that try and ditch their brother/sister.

 

This too. I make my kids buddy up when wandering about and exploring too. So if a mom called and said that one of my kids was ditching a sibling (regardless of age), I'd deal with it pronto. If one of my kids decides they want to play solo with someone - fine. But they have to come home with sibling(s) first and ask if that's okay and tell me where they are going to be, for how long, names/numbers... Just turnign their back on a sibling for any reason is. not. ever. acceptable.

[Impish]

Neuro-typical. It is like being a Muggle ;-)

:lol: I love that description!!!

[mama2cntrykids]

:lol: I love that description!!!

Me too. I'm sure that's how my 7 y/o aspie ds feels too, lol.

[tex-mex]

Considering the child is only 6 years old, autistic or not, I would escort him back home and ask Mom if she was missing anyone.

 

:iagree:Autism is not knowing social boundaries. He most likely wanted to play and expressed it via this way. I would politely approach him and correct him (kindly) that his method was inappropriate. Take him by the hand (or have sister do this) and tell him let's go see what mom thinks -- then inform mom. Chances are, they do not have a full handle on his dx and may learn from the experience. Next time, have the kids play outside and be kind. The young boy may grow up without friends.