I just don't know what to do anymore...

[Mynyel]

It has been 4 days since I went on a cleaning strike. I haven't lifted a finger to clean anything other that what I have used myself.

 

I haven't done dishes. Haven't done laundry. Nothing.

 

My husband has cleaned the kitchen once and done dishes twice. My daughter folded one load of laundry. That's it.

 

No one is doing anything. Nothing.

 

I have tried schedules, charts, asking nicely, asking not so nicely, yelling, begging, pleading, screaming, and saying a few unsavory words. Still I am led to this. No.body.Cares.

 

They don't care that I haven't done anything. They don't care that the dishes are piled up as well as garbage because no one will take it to the garbage can that my husband put outside because he could smell it from the kitchen.

 

I am on the verge of not cooking because I can't cook in a dirty, messy kitchen.

 

Nothing motivates the kids. Nothing. Not going anywhere, not playing, not toys, nothing. They want to do zip. That includes school work. All I get is attitude from dd12....a roll of the eyes and a big heavy sigh whenever I ask her to do anything. Ds8 is more go lucky and will do it but it is a chore in itself because he is distractable. Ds2 just gets into everything and I mean everything. He opens the refrigerator, he opens the cupboards, he gets, it seems, everything. You might think "sounds normal for a 2 year old" that may be but our first two were not like this at all. Very docile children so it is very new to us. A lot of mess is from him getting into everything.

 

Dh works part time and helps distract ds2 when I manage to get the other two to do some school. He helps but even he doesn't seem to care about the condition of the house.

 

I am at my wits end and have no clue on where to go from here.

 

There is an empty cracker box on the floor. My son just stepped on it and kept going.

 

What am I going to do?

[Michelle My Bell]

Maybe you haven't given it enough time. I think you are on the right track. I like the idea of you giving up cooking and taking yourself and the littlest ones out to eat while the rest stay home hungry. Hunger opens many an eye.

[JoyfulMama]

Maybe you haven't given it enough time. I think you are on the right track. I like the idea of you giving up cooking and taking yourself and the littlest ones out to eat while the rest stay home hungry. Hunger opens many an eye.

 

I had the same first thought.

 

Yet, I have realized that if they see that *I* care about it, mine are more caring about it too. I've had better response this way.

 

Now, there is a true story of a relative of mine that I will share. My kids love this story! Anne was engaged to Robert. Robert had a younger brother and a much younger sister. Robert's parents went on holiday, and asked Anne to stay at their house to care for younger brother and sister. First night Anne worked hard to prepare a nice dinner, and younger sister helped willingly. After dinner, she asked the boys to wash the dishes to help with clean up. Since it was normally Mom's Job, they didn't. Next night, boys were served their dinner on their dirty dishes from the night before. They helped with cleanup that night, although begrudgingly. Once the holiday was over, Anne decided not to marry Robert.

[MIC in OH]

:iagree:I agree with Michelle about taking you and the little one out to eat. But I would also suggest you get a grip on the little one and get some gates up. You have a chance to train him to not get into that stuff but you have to be pro-active about it. If he gets into cabinets, get locks for them. Put things up out of his reach.

I would also try to have a real heart-to-heart convo with your dh soon. And do it away from the home. I feel for you. I am sorry it's gotten so bad for you.

[justamouse]

stick your guns and take care of the little one.

[StephanieZ]

Maybe you haven't given it enough time. I think you are on the right track. I like the idea of you giving up cooking and taking yourself and the littlest ones out to eat while the rest stay home hungry. Hunger opens many an eye.

:iagree::iagree:

 

I can't face cooking at all in a dirty kitchen. It's my (one, lol) little foible. I just can't face it. I'd take the littlest one out with you to meals out. Then come home. Go about your business. . .

 

Is there a room you can claim as your own to keep clean for your sanity? Just take that one room over, put a lock on the door, and don't allow anyone (except your toddler) in there?

 

If it gets worse or you just can't stand it any longer, perhaps take your little one away to visit a friend or family member in another state for a few days. . . .

 

I'd think it'd take at least a week or two to make much of an impact on my family. They Just. Don't. See. The. Mess.

 

Fortunately, they aren't as stubborn as yours, lol.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[homeschoolally]

I hope you will keep us posted on your 'progress' with this. Tried it myself a few times but never stuck it out.

 

I agree that you and the little one could eat out--maybe if you tried a place that the whole family loves it might get someone's attention.

 

Good luck, and be sure to post an update!

[mcconnellboys]

I think you need to hold firm and stay on the strike a lot longer than four days in order for everyone to see how awful it is to live in a mess. After about three weeks of dirty clothes, no supper (because you certainly can't be expected to cook; that's a natural consequence of no clean dishes), and mess, I'd expect there to be a glimmer of light.....

 

And I'd keep my own little space clean and nice and refuse entry to it to anyone else..... I'd wash just my own clothes and dishes and model the behaviour that everyone should be exhibiting..... When they ask, I'd gladly tell them and direct them in doing their own dishes, laundry, etc. - but I would not lay a hand on it to do any of it; just verbal directions.

 

I think you need to solicit your husband's support in this, however, before you move forward....

[Danestress]

I would think of the housework as mostly yours and the kids' so I think you have to choose between

 

(1) Doing most of it yourself

 

or

 

(2) Spending almost as much time supervising and following up on their work as you would just doing it yourself.

 

I think #2 is preferable because we are trying to actually train these little people. But sometimes I am tempted to go with #1 because it actually seems easier in some ways.

 

I think you just have to decide to make them do the work and try to ignore or discipline the eye rolling and complaining, or whatever other roadblocks they are throwing up. Give them ONE thing to do at a time and make sure they actually do it. Breakfast as soon as your bed is made. Yes, you can watch that show in ten minutes, but first you have to unload the dishwasher.

 

Your kids are not going to see what work needs doing for YEARS if they are like many perfectly normal children. You have to tell them. Then you have to follow up and make them do it. Every. Single. Day. I have very pleasant, well meaning 12 year olds, and I still have to tell them, "make your bed" "put your shoes away" "Get your trash out of the car." It makes me nuts some days, but less so if I just accept that they honestly truly don't care if the beds are made or the car is full of trash. Don't care. Not at all. They are only doing it to make me happy.

 

Edited to add: I was thinking your husband works full time, but I see now that he only works part time. So maybe he should help more and the housework shouldn't feel like it's so much yours. But even so, you probably don't want a war with him over this. I think if you train the kids to help more, it will matter less what he does (or doesn't) do.

Edited June 3, 2010 by Danestress

[LizzyBee]

Love and Logic. Tell them cheerfully with a smile on your face that you cook dinner when the kitchen is clean. And if it's not clean at mealtime, take the 2 yo old and go out to eat.

[Parrothead]

The only thing about taking the toddler out for dinner is that there is nothing stopping dad and the other two kids going to McD's for dinner either. Every night.

 

I'd almost empty the checking account and put that money in a safe place so that the money isn't blown during this battle of the wills.

 

Stick it out longer. They know that if they wait you out they won't have to do the work.

[Mom2absh]

"Get Your Act Together" by Pam Young and Peggy Jones has a great family cleaning idea meant to address this very issue. I don't think I'll explain it well, but it's point/incentive based, and not babyish - it would certainly be appropriate for the ages of your family.

 

Everyone in the family should care about keeping things clean, but it's VERY HARD to get everyone to do it, especially when they aren't used to it.

 

My library system has a copy of this book - maybe yours will, too?

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: I know it's hard.

 

J

[FaithManor]

We are struggling with this at our house as well.

 

I haven't gotten far yet, but one thing that has helped as far as the children and their toys....(LEGOS and KNEX being the big offenders), is that I have finally blew my stack and started sweeping the hardwood floors, toys and all. After a couple of trips to the trash and "Where's my....", the boys did get the idea about that. If I start hinting that I am going to clean the family room, they bolt and get their mess picked up.

 

However, that said, I am still wallowing in other areas.

 

Faith

[AHASRADA]

What is dh's role in all this? Have you discussed the housework with him, as well as the dc? Did you give them all a warning before you went on strike?

 

I guess I'm finding it hard to imagine your dh not noticing or caring that the kids aren't helping you, and that nothing is currently getting done.

 

My dh is the one who gets upset if the kids don't help, and will get on their case and make sure they put their dishes in the dishwasher, or whatever. I'm the one who ends up deciding it is easier to do it myself than to contantly remind. Maybe your dh is like me, a bit more passive, and since it's not his "job", he doesn't want to put in the effort to nag and "force" the kids to help.

 

I agree with the PP that you should have a serious heart-to-heart with your dh about this. List all of the things that need to be done around the house, how often, how long each takes, etc. Find out if he agrees that this is too much for you to be doing on your own. If so, get him on board, and agree on how much the kids should be able to do. Then have the kids choose which tasks they would be willing to do.

 

I honestly don't know what to do about their outright refusal to help :tongue_smilie:.

[MamaT]

Rachel - I agree with the other posters that you really need to talk to your dh. Does he understand how much this bothers you? I would make sure he did.

 

My other thought is that you need to assign your children very specific chores and nothing gets done until they are completed. For example, "you can have breakfast after you make your bed." No TV when it is time to work and not until it is done, etc. I have to say that my dc still need reminding that it is time to do chores.

 

I feel for you. I would be so frustrated. If it gets too bad, pm me and we'll run away for coffee. :001_smile:

[T'smom]

I don't know what to do about anything else, but I read a really cool idea on here regarding dishes a long time ago. The mom packed up all the dishes except one plate/glass/bowl/set of silverware for each person. They were painted with their names or color-coded or something. Everyone was responsible for their own stuff- if it wasn't clean, they couldn't eat off of it! I thought this was a brilliant idea!

[OrganicAnn]

I don't like the 'going on strike' situation. It seems so passive aggressive to me.

 

I like the idea in this book to get kids involved.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Act-Together-Get-Organized/dp/0060969911/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275530864&sr=8-1

[Peela]

I like your approach, but th problem is, it makes you suffer as much as the kids- and they know it! I have gone on cooking strikes and it really did work well- I was not being appreciated at all for making meals and it hurt a lot, so I stopped cooking for them (especially dh) and just made myself beautiful, healthy meals. They all started being appreciative! But it's different because I wasn't suffering, in fact it was a great holiday from taking care of everyone.

 

I took my cue for this cleaning issue- from Flylady's ideas. It takes training- it's not inbuilt in most kids and mine have never naturally felt the need to pick up something they step over every day. They would live like swine if not directed. First, I had to take responsibility for the fact that I myself was not very neat and tidy, and it just bugged me that no one else was either- but I had no leg to stand on. Once I swallowed that, I started keeping my own stuff tidy and staying on top of the washing-so, I focused on my own sphere and areas of responsibility foremost.

Then, I helped the others with their chores. If the kids made a mess, I would literally help them clean it up. If their rooms were messy, I would go in there and clean with them. This was modelling to them how to actually clean up a mess, or a whole room, which can be very overwhelming to young people. It also made it more fun and less of a burden to them if I was there. I also would send them to do one small job- such as pick up all the clothes on the floor and put them in the wash basket. Thats it. I still do this with my teens- send them to do one thing rather "the whole lot".

I would also use timers a lot. We would put the timer on and then work- together- till it went off (5, 10 or 15 minutes). Then, we stopped.

So, we made it a game.

Years of this - and I still have very messy teens. It hasn't gone away. However, we do have techniques and methods with dealing with it. I have been known to disappear things (they all dread it when I start decluttering). The kids have chores and they lose pocket money if they don't do them. Saturday mornings they do extra stuff like dusting and vacuuming- never more than half an hour. And I get them to clean their rooms regularly so that it doesnt get so bad that its a whole day to clean it up. I am teaching them the value of decluttering too, but they do find letting go of stuff difficult.

The keys have been to break tasks down into small parts (a messy rooom can really be overwhleming but focusing on one task at a time instead of the whole room makes it doable); swallowing my pride and helping them in their rooms or even when it's their turn to do the dishes; regularly decluttering especially messy toys and too many clothes; and using a timer.

 

There is a point inside me where I feel that if I want to live in a neat home, that is my want and maybe no one else cares as much as I do. So, I take responsibility for that, and sometimes I will clean up after everyone just for teh love of doing it and having a clear space. Life is too short to resent my family for these things- if anything serious were to happen, how important would this issue seem?. And then, I shoulder the responsibility for trianing them, for holding them accountable, for being consistent in giving consequences(not so easy for me), and for being as cheerful as I can be while doing the work of trianing my kids to at least be able to take care of a home. I train them to clean the bathrooms, they now do their own washing, dh taught them how to look after the pool, and I am teaching them to cook. Many other things too. One thing I do is put it on my schedule, and sometimes on their schedule. I have put domestic science on their schedules at the moment and we are doing cooking- nothing extra- they jsut have to each help me with a meal each week in order to learn how to cook more than pasta or eggs.

 

You coudl put "chore trianing" and "housework" on your daily schedule- before school starts- and put the timer on, some fun music, and see who can do the most cleaning in that amount of time. But you have to have a good attitude about it so that they pick up your joy, rather than your resentment.

 

They may never care without your consistent guidance, but I think most kids are similar, and they can be trained.

[Monk643]

As far as making the kids pick up their own stuff, its simply in our house... If i ask once and its still on the floor it goes in the trash for good. After the first few things of theirs being thrown out they don't leave things on the floor often. As far as helping around the house, they get things they really love including their activities taken away if they don't obey. So far its worked. I hope everthing gets better. I do like the going on strike idea though, got to get their attention somehow.

[simka2]

One thing I have begun doing is assigning each kid a specific chore. One ds8 is entirely in charge of dishes until he has it mastered. Tonight when I said it was time for him to do the dishes, he said "Mooooooommmmm!, how long do I have to do this? I already have it mastered." To which I said, "Yes, but your attitude about it hasn't been mastered. When you can do them with a good attitude it will be time for someone else to master this :)"

[MtnTeaching]

One thing I have begun doing is assigning each kid a specific chore. One ds8 is entirely in charge of dishes until he has it mastered. Tonight when I said it was time for him to do the dishes, he said "Mooooooommmmm!, how long do I have to do this? I already have it mastered." To which I said, "Yes, but your attitude about it hasn't been mastered. When you can do them with a good attitude it will be time for someone else to master this :)"

 

OOhh! Good response. I'll have to remember that one!

[Desert Rat]

Gently here, Rachel, but it's been my experience that the strike approach doesn't work. When I tried (I only lasted 3 days) I found that I had overwhelming levels of anger and animosity.

What did work was reevaluating what I felt my job was. My dh worked full time. I stayed home, raised/schooled the boys and my job was to clean my home. Now, I'm not saying that my kids don't have age appropriate chores. What I'm saying is that once I came to the realization that I chose this job, this path, I approached messes with a lighter heart, even if they weren't mine.

I sympathize with your frustration (especially concerning the cracker box...grr!). I mean no ill will. I have tried your approach and it made me feel worse. I hope it works better for you should you choose to stay the course.

[Scarlett]

Gently here, Rachel, but it's been my experience that the strike approach doesn't work. When I tried (I only lasted 3 days) I found that I had overwhelming levels of anger and animosity.

What did work was reevaluating what I felt my job was. My dh worked full time. I stayed home, raised/schooled the boys and my job was to clean my home. Now, I'm not saying that my kids don't have age appropriate chores. What I'm saying is that once I came to the realization that I chose this job, this path, I approached messes with a lighter heart, even if they weren't mine.

I sympathize with your frustration (especially concerning the cracker box...grr!). I mean no ill will. I have tried your approach and it made me feel worse. I hope it works better for you should you choose to stay the course.

 

I think she said her dh works part time? :confused:

 

But I most agree with what you are saying here. I am actually surprised at how many people agree with the 'strike' method. I don't think it works myself.

[extendedforecast]

I don't know what to do about anything else' date=' but I read a really cool idea on here regarding dishes a long time ago. The mom packed up all the dishes except one plate/glass/bowl/set of silverware for each person. They were painted with their names or color-coded or something. Everyone was responsible for their own stuff- if it wasn't clean, they couldn't eat off of it! I thought this was a brilliant idea![/quote']

 

This is genius! I've been there, and I'm sorry to say the situation didn't get better until DH got on board. He was raised without ever having chores, and at first he was against asking our children to help out with even the smallest task. I think he realized what I was up against when we switched roles for a while and he was a SAHD and I went back to work. The example the OP gave about the DC stepping over an empty box (I think it was a box or a wrapper) is exactly something that would happen in my house before we cracked down on this behavior.

 

Cindy

[lllll]

..

[Garga]

Your strike will never work.

 

Have you ever watched that show on TV, "Clean House"? The tv people go to these horribly messy houses and help the people clean them up and declutter.

 

I think that your family won't start cleaning and they'll just let it get dirtier and dirtier, just like the people on "Clean House."

 

When I first got married, I didn't want to clean, and neither did dh and we just lived in a very (very, very) messy house. My house was messy and dirty for 10 years until I had kids of my own and figured out how tho clean it. Now it's nice and clean. But I had to educate myself on how to keep it clean (flylady.com.) And I was motivated. I'd have NEVER cleaned my parents' house when I lived at home. In fact, I didn't. My mom cleaned the house and left my room alone, and my room was a disaster. I didn't care. It would have been nice if it were clean, but I didn't do the work to get it clean.

 

It's just not going to work, and I agree with the other poster that it's passive-aggressive, which will just cause resentment and not resolve anything. At the end of your strike, you'll just have a huge mess to clean.

 

Sign up for flylady and teach your kids how to clean from it.

 

JMHO.

Edited June 3, 2010 by Garga

[hazilsara]

I have no great advice. I agree with a good number of things that have already been said. But most of all, in reading your post, it felt like you could really use some support! So, Hang in there darlin!!! Know that there are others out here who share your pain and frustration--maybe not exactly the same situation, or to the same degree, but you are definitely NOT alone!!! take heart and keep on doing your best!

:grouphug:

[orangearrow]

I would buy a jumbo-sized box of the lawn-sized trash bags. I would silently go into each child's bedroom and start putting toys/stuff into the bags. All those "action figures" and puzzle pieces and... and... and... Well, it would go into the bag. I would choose a few toys to save and they would have a place made for them right that minute.

 

I would take out every single item of clothing that did not fit someone right. now. and put it into the bag. I would take every single pair of shoes except for one pair of a) Tennis Shoes b) sandals/flip flops for summer c) dress shoes and put anything else into the bag.

 

I would gather any books on the floor and put those into the bags (unless they were books that *I* wanted to keep - those would go on a book shelf). I would gather any books that my kids have not looked at in years and put those into the bag.

 

I would go into the bathrooms and take out anything "extra." I would have enough towels for every single person and only a couple of extra. The rest would go into the bag.

 

As each bag was full, it would go into the back of my van. When the back of the van was full (or even better, if dh was home, I'd fill the whole van and leave the kids at home with him) and drive it, immediately, to the donation center.

 

I would stop on the way home and pick up a plastic plate/cup set for each child. When I am home, I would box up all extra dishes. I would have one plate/glass for every member of the family (if you have guests over, have paper plates for them for a while) and they would be responsible for those.

 

If I had the extra funds, I would also buy a bath towel in as many colors as I had children. Each child gets his/her own color towels. This way, I would easily be able to tell who leaves their wet towel wadded up on the floor of the bathroom vs hanging it to dry.

 

When back home...

 

I'd go through the kids' closets again, sure that I could reduce their clothing stash by a considerable amount. Extras - go into bags for a 2nd trip to the donation center.

 

I would ignore the wailing and gnashing of teeth by said children. If they can't clean it up willingly, then I will give them less "stuff" to leave laying about.

 

Then, I would begin a flylady sort of routine with the kids. I would leave dh out of it. He's a grown man - and getting him to "clean the house" is a whole other sort of situation. But, the kids, I can boss around. And, I would. Happily.

 

Food would NOT leave the kitchen table. No food or drinks allowed to go anywhere other than the kitchen table.

 

This would be my obsession for a few weeks, even at the expense of school for the first week. I would get that routine SET in STONE. And as the days go by, slowly get the rest of things back on track... without letting go of that routine. Realizing that I am the strong link in the chain and if I start to relax, the kids are going to instantly resume their old ways.

 

I would put latches on the cabinets, latches on the refrigerator (or a gate) for the 2-year-old. I remember homeschooling with a 2-year-old on the loose, and it's not easy. But, I'd start latching everything that can be, so at least I know he's "safe" wherever he is... and I could spend longer lengths of time with the other children during school time. All my 3 kids were extremely spirited and creative... and we had to be equally as creative when it came to childproofing our house! But, it worked. Wherever the baby was, at least I knew he was okay and not able to get into things in the 90 seconds he was out of my sight.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Oh -and agreeing with Remudamom below about the food! Your older two are definitely old enough for get scooting through un-done chores if they want to eat! They won't starve! LOL My kids have several chores they have to do before lunch. And they have learned to do said chores VERY quickly when their food is waiting on them, getting cold. ;) VERY motivating (and they've never gone hungry... and now usually do their chores first thing in the morning so they don't have to delay lunch... lol)

Edited June 3, 2010 by orangearrow

[Remudamom]

I wouldn't strike, just because I couldn't take it, and I don't think it'll work. I'd physically be with the kids and insist that they do what they are asked. Gotta train them.

 

My two 15 yr old boys are awful about their room and their bathroom. I hit them where it hurts and won't feed them until both rooms are clean. All I have to do is check them and stand my ground in the kitchen. Beats doing the work myself.

[yslek]

I like your approach, but th problem is, it makes you suffer as much as the kids- and they know it! I have gone on cooking strikes and it really did work well- I was not being appreciated at all for making meals and it hurt a lot, so I stopped cooking for them (especially dh) and just made myself beautiful, healthy meals. They all started being appreciative! But it's different because I wasn't suffering, in fact it was a great holiday from taking care of everyone.

 

I took my cue for this cleaning issue- from Flylady's ideas. It takes training- it's not inbuilt in most kids and mine have never naturally felt the need to pick up something they step over every day. They would live like swine if not directed. First, I had to take responsibility for the fact that I myself was not very neat and tidy, and it just bugged me that no one else was either- but I had no leg to stand on. Once I swallowed that, I started keeping my own stuff tidy and staying on top of the washing-so, I focused on my own sphere and areas of responsibility foremost.

Then, I helped the others with their chores. If the kids made a mess, I would literally help them clean it up. If their rooms were messy, I would go in there and clean with them. This was modelling to them how to actually clean up a mess, or a whole room, which can be very overwhelming to young people. It also made it more fun and less of a burden to them if I was there. I also would send them to do one small job- such as pick up all the clothes on the floor and put them in the wash basket. Thats it. I still do this with my teens- send them to do one thing rather "the whole lot".

I would also use timers a lot. We would put the timer on and then work- together- till it went off (5, 10 or 15 minutes). Then, we stopped.

So, we made it a game.

Years of this - and I still have very messy teens. It hasn't gone away. However, we do have techniques and methods with dealing with it. I have been known to disappear things (they all dread it when I start decluttering). The kids have chores and they lose pocket money if they don't do them. Saturday mornings they do extra stuff like dusting and vacuuming- never more than half an hour. And I get them to clean their rooms regularly so that it doesnt get so bad that its a whole day to clean it up. I am teaching them the value of decluttering too, but they do find letting go of stuff difficult.

The keys have been to break tasks down into small parts (a messy rooom can really be overwhleming but focusing on one task at a time instead of the whole room makes it doable); swallowing my pride and helping them in their rooms or even when it's their turn to do the dishes; regularly decluttering especially messy toys and too many clothes; and using a timer.

 

There is a point inside me where I feel that if I want to live in a neat home, that is my want and maybe no one else cares as much as I do. So, I take responsibility for that, and sometimes I will clean up after everyone just for teh love of doing it and having a clear space. Life is too short to resent my family for these things- if anything serious were to happen, how important would this issue seem?. And then, I shoulder the responsibility for trianing them, for holding them accountable, for being consistent in giving consequences(not so easy for me), and for being as cheerful as I can be while doing the work of trianing my kids to at least be able to take care of a home. I train them to clean the bathrooms, they now do their own washing, dh taught them how to look after the pool, and I am teaching them to cook. Many other things too. One thing I do is put it on my schedule, and sometimes on their schedule. I have put domestic science on their schedules at the moment and we are doing cooking- nothing extra- they jsut have to each help me with a meal each week in order to learn how to cook more than pasta or eggs.

 

You coudl put "chore trianing" and "housework" on your daily schedule- before school starts- and put the timer on, some fun music, and see who can do the most cleaning in that amount of time. But you have to have a good attitude about it so that they pick up your joy, rather than your resentment.

 

They may never care without your consistent guidance, but I think most kids are similar, and they can be trained.

 

Thank you for this! I'm printing it out. :D

[HappyCrazyMama]

As far as making the kids pick up their own stuff, its simply in our house... If i ask once and its still on the floor it goes in the trash for good. After the first few things of theirs being thrown out they don't leave things on the floor often.

 

I like to put what they left out in a box and they have to earn it back. Works great too.:)

[angela in ohio]

I don't like the 'going on strike' situation. It seems so passive aggressive to me.

 

I agree. I know that the more I do, my dh responds by doing more himself. It seems counter-intuitive, but it works. As my dc get older, the same happens with them. If I quit, they would, too.

 

This sounds harsh, but if your dc aren't cleaning up or willingly doing chores, it's because they haven't been consistently trained. I wouldn't blame them. I would feel bad that I created habits like that in them and work twice as hard to remedy that.

 

I agree with everything Peela says. :001_smile:

 

I say clean up your home today, put up a chore chart for the 12 and 8 yo, and then make everyone stick to it. It will be a lot of work, because you will be now fighting against them knowing that it has failed before. They will try to get you to give up and just let them be lazy. You will have to be consistent for a long time. But training your dc to have good habits is just as much a part of mothering them as homeschooling them or cooking dinner for them.

[TwinMominTX]

I wouldn't strike, just because I couldn't take it, and I don't think it'll work. I'd physically be with the kids and insist that they do what they are asked. Gotta train them.

 

My two 15 yr old boys are awful about their room and their bathroom. I hit them where it hurts and won't feed them until both rooms are clean. All I have to do is check them and stand my ground in the kitchen. Beats doing the work myself.

 

:iagree:

[hornblower]

I agree. I know that the more I do, my dh responds by doing more himself. It seems counter-intuitive, but it works. As my dc get older, the same happens with them. If I quit, they would, too.

 

This sounds harsh, but if your dc aren't cleaning up or willingly doing chores, it's because they haven't been consistently trained. I wouldn't blame them. I would feel bad that I created habits like that in them and work twice as hard to remedy that.

 

I agree with everything Peela says. :001_smile:

 

I say clean up your home today, put up a chore chart for the 12 and 8 yo, and then make everyone stick to it. It will be a lot of work, because you will be now fighting against them knowing that it has failed before. They will try to get you to give up and just let them be lazy. You will have to be consistent for a long time. But training your dc to have good habits is just as much a part of mothering them as homeschooling them or cooking dinner for them.

 

:iagree:

 

I typed up a long response last night & deleted it. Glad I did - angela in ohio said it all.

 

Someone has to be in charge of the ship. You need to step up and be Master & Commander and get your crew to work.

[cougarmom4]

I am often tempted with the thought of going on strike. It never works. I get so angry & frustrated & live in filth for a few days...but then in the end *I* am the one who has to clean it all up anyways! And then I just get angrier...mostly at myself because I shouldn't have let it get so bad. I can totally relate to how you are feeling!

 

Now then, I strongly believe that the atmosphere of a house affects how the days go...it makes such a difference to *my* peace of mind to have things in order and then I'm able to function & do all that I want to do. I also believe the mother sets the tone of the home...(sometimes I don't set the best tone...but if I'm cranky, everyone is cranky...if I'm in a productive mood, everyone gets things done...if I'm tired & lazy, everyone else sits around, too). We seem to go in cycles--for awhile things work well, then I get lazy or don't follow through as much and it all falls apart, then I create some new method of organizing the chaos and we begin again. I just consider it my role as a mother...to constantly be teaching them how to do things.

 

One thing that has worked well for me is to set a time for a Time Out Sweep. Gather everyone together and say, "At ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I am cleaning this room/floor/house...anything that is out of place will be confiscated for a week. After that point, you can earn things back the next week by doing designated chores. After that point, the bag will go in the trash." (I would love to put the bag straight into the trash...but I am much too frugal for that and could never throw away things that are valuable/important!)

 

I'd also suggest a heart-to-heart discussion with your dh so that you two can determine which tasks each of you will be in charge of. I think that spelling it out in detail can make a world of a difference. Often my dh is willing to help, but doesn't know what needs to be done (even though it is obvious to me!!!), so if I can clearly communicate what needs to happen, he'll respond willingly & get right to work. And then there is the fact that his ideas of cleanliness and mine are very different! For some reason, he doesn't see things the way I do...his idea of a clean room is if the center of the room has nothing on it...so he'll shove things around the edges of the walls and feel like it's clean. Also, I've found it helpful to just accept certain things as my job, simply because they are important to me, but not to anybody else. (Dh could care less if the shower curtain was open/closed, but to me, my bathroom doesn't feel clean unless it is closed...it used to drive me crazy, but when I realized this, I decided it's a simple thing for me to just close the dang curtain and then I feel better and it's not a huge issue with dh).

 

And then after things get put back together...you start the training process with the kids. It's a never-ending, constantly-changing process. It's hard and I often want to give up...but I have faith that somehow it is all going to be worth it!