S/O - Don't forget to thank your church staff

[babysparkler]

I am currently living the "single mother" life right now while my dh is working an 80 hour week at church this week (up from his normal 60 hour weeks). Being Holy Week, and having 18 services/concerts/programs running one-after-another, I don't really see him unless I bump into him in bed during the night and happen to open my eyes to see if it is him or one of the kids. This is the time of year (along with Christmas season) that I honestly dread, because Dh gives all of himself, and a little extra, to make sure others are drawn into the presence of our wonderful Savior... and our family is put to the back burner for a time. It gets a bit draining.

 

I don't think the general congregation of any of the churches we've served really understand what a toll it takes on the church staff (and their families) this time of year, and how much of a sacrifice they give for the body of Christ to be served... so I thought I would share with you a friendly reminder to show appreciation to your church staff and their families. A kind note of appreciation is a cherished gift :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

A good reminder. Thank you.

[Guest janainaz]

I think pastors should be setting the standards of putting family first - that IS putting God first. I disagree wholeheartedly and have zero sympathy for pastors that work that many hours to "draw people to the Lord". Pastors need to be telling husbands and fathers to spend time with their family and to place THEM as a priority - especially these days with all the pulls on families. Most kids are at school all day and then the church has 18 million programs that don't foster "family" relationships, but rather kids ministries, womens ministries, mens ministries, etc. If there were less programs and pastors were telling families to go home, eat a meal together and enjoy each other, it would serve a much better purpose.

 

I have seen the results of exactly what you are talking about. There are a given number of 'martyrs' in every church that give their all, wear themselves out 'serving', and then complain that they have no family time. I've been to Bible studies where I've heard women giving prayer requests for a date with their husband because they have not seen them because they are so busy serving the church. Of course, then they turn around and want to point the finger at everyone else who is not involved in all the programs.

 

The other thread about the single mother with four kids serving in the church nursery leaves me scratching my head. Seriously, if I knew her in real life and I found out her situation I would be telling her that she aught to be doing something else - she's got 4 kids! What that woman needs is a break!

 

So no, I won't be thanking any pastor for serving 80 hours a week and I won't be thanking anyone who sets that example. I will be thanking the pastor that keeps it all in perspective and that tells his flock where to put their attention and focus. I'll be thanking the pastor that is home with his wife and kids at night for dinner and that has enough faith that if a program is backed by God, the means to keep it running will be there.

[Harriet Vane]

I think pastors should be setting the standards of putting family first - that IS putting God first. I disagree wholeheartedly and have zero sympathy for pastors that work that many hours to "draw people to the Lord". Pastors need to be telling husbands and fathers to spend time with their family and to place THEM as a priority - especially these days with all the pulls on families. Most kids are at school all day and then the church has 18 million programs that don't foster "family" relationships, but rather kids ministries, womens ministries, mens ministries, etc. If there were less programs and pastors were telling families to go home, eat a meal together and enjoy each other, it would serve a much better purpose.

 

I have seen the results of exactly what you are talking about. There are a given number of 'martyrs' in every church that give their all, wear themselves out 'serving', and then complain that they have no family time. I've been to Bible studies where I've heard women giving prayer requests for a date with their husband because they have not seen them because they are so busy serving the church. Of course, then they turn around and want to point the finger at everyone else who is not involved in all the programs.

 

The other thread about the single mother with four kids serving in the church nursery leaves me scratching my head. Seriously, if I knew her in real life and I found out her situation I would be telling her that she aught to be doing something else - she's got 4 kids! What that woman needs is a break!

 

So no, I won't be thanking any pastor for serving 80 hours a week and I won't be thanking anyone who sets that example. I will be thanking the pastor that keeps it all in perspective and that tells his flock where to put their attention and focus. I'll be thanking the pastor that is home with his wife and kids at night for dinner and that has enough faith that if a program is backed by God, the means to keep it running will be there.

 

While I agree that pastors are overworked, and I agree that there are many lay people and volunteers who sacrifice too much for church programs, I find your post to be more than a bit harsh.

 

The sad reality is that many if not most pastors will be fired if they do not work extra hours over the holiday. The pressures on ministers are unreal, and I have found that very few laypeople truly understand all that is expected from a pastor at a very, very low pay. Rather than berating the pastor for the work he does, it is the congregation who should be taken to task. The ministry families with whom I have been friends know that they have no other option other than to meet the obligations of the church and find ways to connect as a family later, when the work of the holiday is done. Believe me, if their income and place within their church were not at stake it would be easier to pull back.

 

And to the OP--Thank you for the sacrifices your family makes. May God grant you the peace and togetherness I know your family craves.

[Jenny in GA]

I think pastors should be setting the standards of putting family first - that IS putting God first.

 

I like that sentence. I agree.

Edited March 29, 2010 by Jenny in GA
content may be taken wrong way

[SonshineLearner]

so I thought I would share with you a friendly reminder to show appreciation to your church staff and their families. A kind note of appreciation is a cherished gift :)

 

I agree with this, and if those of you who think that others should step up & in should help... That'd be great!! Offer the help.... Offer to look into Elder led... so others can split the load... Don't hit the person who's husband is trying!! I don't think she said that he's on a power trip, or is a control freak...

 

Do I have enough posts to say... "Please Be Kind"??

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

The OP is going through the stress and strain of having to take care of all her children and household duties without the normal help from her dh. Her dh's job is requiring him to put in extra hours right now. All she has done is to express how it would make things easier if she, her dh and her family (and other's like her) got a sincere thank you from the people they are serving. I think it is highly inappropriate to turn this into a "bash the clergy for doing what their church has asked them to do" thread.

[Harriet Vane]

The OP is going through the stress and strain of having to take care of all her children and household duties without the normal help from her dh. Her dh's job is requiring him to put in extra hours right now. All she has done is to express how it would make things easier if she, her dh and her family (and other's like her) got a sincere thank you from the people they are serving. I think it is highly inappropriate to turn this into a "bash the clergy for doing what their church has asked them to do" thread.

 

:iagree:

[Jennifer in MI]

Thank you SO much for this reminder OP!!!

 

My dh is a pastor (an Episcopal priest actually). He does put family first. He has flexible hours during most of the year so that he can be at nearly EVERY Little League game, karate testing, family gathering, etc. But, there are times during the year where a pastor/priest is expected to work extra hours. Holy Week and Christmastime are two of those times. It's reality! If my dh didn't work those extra services, he would be fired!!

 

Anyway, peace to you this week. Please know you are not alone!!!

 

PS I am always drawn to your picture! Your family is gorgeous!

[Crissy]

Dh gives all of himself, and a little extra, to make sure others are drawn into the presence of our wonderful Savior... and our family is put to the back burner for a time. It gets a bit draining.

 

 

:grouphug:

[FO4UR]

Jana - While I agree with the basis of your post, the ideal and reality are two different things. My dh is a pastor and STRIVES to set that example, (and really does a pretty good job at it), BUT there are seasons that balance is not possible.

 

My dd was born on Palm Sunday 5 years ago. The day we got home from the hospital, dh was expected at a rehearsal for the Easter service. We lived in the parsonage so when people saw our van out front they came over to see the new baby...so I was entertaining guests by myself with a nb and a very clingy 2yo (and all the pains that go with recovering from childbirth). The severe physical exhaustion led to a period of my life that was NOT fun! This was not my hometown. I had no mom or sister to come and help me out for a few days. I don't say this to earn pity or make myself appear as a martyr. This is just the reality.

 

Most days, my dh divides his day into 4 parts; morning, noon-time, afternoon, evening. He spends atleast one of those parts with the family each day. Friday is his day off and we typically do something fun that day. This works well, and b/c we hs my dc actually see their dad more than most dc. During Christmas, Easter and seasons heavy with funerals or hospital visits this idealistic routine must be set aside in order to serve.

 

babysparkler - :grouphug:I'm lifting you up this week! (and I took this week as our "Spring Break" ;) I'm baking and shoppping and cleaning....no school.)

[littleWMN]

((hugs)) OP.

 

I think some of these posts are harsh! :confused:

 

My dh is not a pastor but works 80 to 100 hours a week EVERY single week. It is majorly hard on our family but with the economy the way it is, we have no choice. He would be fired if he did not work these hours. Anyway, just saying I know the toll it takes on a family. :grouphug:

[Jennifer in MI]

Jana - While I agree with the basis of your post, the ideal and reality are two different things. My dh is a pastor and STRIVES to set that example, (and really does a pretty good job at it), BUT there are seasons that balance is not possible.

 

My dd was born on Palm Sunday 5 years ago. The day we got home from the hospital, dh was expected at a rehearsal for the Easter service. We lived in the parsonage so when people saw our van out front they came over to see the new baby...so I was entertaining guests by myself with a nb and a very clingy 2yo (and all the pains that go with recovering from childbirth). The severe physical exhaustion led to a period of my life that was NOT fun! This was not my hometown. I had no mom or sister to come and help me out for a few days. I don't say this to earn pity or make myself appear as a martyr. This is just the reality.

 

Most days, my dh divides his day into 4 parts; morning, noon-time, afternoon, evening. He spends atleast one of those parts with the family each day. Friday is his day off and we typically do something fun that day. This works well, and b/c we hs my dc actually see their dad more than most dc. During Christmas, Easter and seasons heavy with funerals or hospital visits this idealistic routine must be set aside in order to serve.

 

babysparkler - :grouphug:I'm lifting you up this week! (and I took this week as our "Spring Break" ;) I'm baking and shoppping and cleaning....no school.)

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Your newborn story reminded me of when my d.s. was born the night before Thanksgiving. Dh was expected to be at the church for the Thanksgiving service. There was nobody else to do it!! I was living in the rectory, next door to the church. Dh was gone for two hours. But, it was a lonely time. No family in the area, etc. And, a very clingy 18 month old and visitors who just wanted a "peek."

[Chris in VA]

I can't really respond to this post, because it's ouchy, but I will say I liken the clergy to the military in that they are performing a service that can often take them away from their families. They should be thanked. And helped.

 

My husband serves because he loves God, and he loves me enough to want to do what God's called him to. You'll be pleased (perhaps) to know that the minister who married us knew Dh was going on to be a priest (about 3 years later). He told Dh to remember which vows he took first. :D

[Starr]

I love the "keep your family first" stories. My dh does a pretty good job of spending time with the family but I find most of the people who tell us to keep our family first are the first to ask for exceptions that include their family or small group. :) And I would like you all to know that he is home for dinner tonight!

[Lightly Salted]

:hug: and thank you from one minister's wife to the next.

 

This past weekend was the hardest for my DH (he's the Music and Student minister, who led the Easter cantata Sunday morning and preached when the pastor was gone to a missionary commissioning service on Sunday night). I completely understand your concerns and your DH's work schedule over this week :hug:

[Jenny in GA]

Hey, just wanted to say I re-read this whole thread and realized that what I posted was a quick reaction to a couple sentences of another response. While I agree with what I said, it didn't appropriately fit the spirit of the OP and thread as a whole, and could easily be taken the wrong way, so I took it out.

 

Cheers to the OP and her family,

Jenny

[Jennifer in MI]

I don't quite get why the anger over this post. She posted that her dh's job was requiring a lot of hours. She requested that we all thank our pastors. Very simple.

 

This has nothing to do with how much her husband makes. She misses him, particularly this time of year. A time of year when family is particularly important. She reminded all of us to thank our pastor.

 

Why can this possibly be a bad thing? How can thanking anyone for what they do possibly be construed as a bad thing??? I'm just baffled over the tone of this thread.

[OnTheBrink]

Wow. There are some posts in this thread that just make me shake my head. Strider said it more kindly and graciously than I ever could. I'm just...amazed.

 

To the OP: You're right; pastors do work really hard and deserve appreciation. I go out on a limb and suggest they deserve it every day of the year. :001_smile::grouphug:

[TechWife]

I can relate - my husband's job as an engineer caused us to have to give up our Thanksgiving together this year. Very hard, but very necessary. Many jobs have seasons like this - know you are not alone! Hope you can have a restful and joyful Easter Sunday!

[musicmommy]

As a former full time worship/music leader at a church, the reality of Christmas and Easter seasons can be rather harsh for the family. When I finally was able to work from home and homeschool, my hubby made the comment that it sure is nice to have me home at the holidays. Honestly, the reality when being in the situation of full time church staff is much different than being on the outside looking in.

 

I am a Pastor's kid also so I know the issues of a parent in constant demand for the church. Yes, my dad put our family first as much as he could, but when there is a member of the church in the hospital or in hospice care, our family would take a back seat.

 

At holidays, the staff is expected to step it up a notch. There is a lot more planning to be done and preparation to happen that others just can not do. I loved my volunteers and they were great, but there were just certain things that I had to be there for.

 

To the OP...your husband is doing a necessary job and from the sounds of it, he's doing it well. He has a loving caring heart and you aren't coming across as if you are angry or anything. It kind of sounds like you just want reassurance that you aren't alone. I say thank you to the Pastor's and their families!

[Lizzie in Ma]

Bless your heart and :grouphug::grouphug: to you.

With all the extra services, Holy week lunches, cantatas and everything else it is an intense time of year for pastors and their families for sure.

Hugs to you and yours.

My dh is a worship team leader and this time of year surely adds hours to his service.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I think pastors should be setting the standards of putting family first - that IS putting God first. I disagree wholeheartedly and have zero sympathy for pastors that work that many hours to "draw people to the Lord". Pastors need to be telling husbands and fathers to spend time with their family and to place THEM as a priority - especially these days with all the pulls on families. Most kids are at school all day and then the church has 18 million programs that don't foster "family" relationships, but rather kids ministries, womens ministries, mens ministries, etc. If there were less programs and pastors were telling families to go home, eat a meal together and enjoy each other, it would serve a much better purpose.

 

I have seen the results of exactly what you are talking about. There are a given number of 'martyrs' in every church that give their all, wear themselves out 'serving', and then complain that they have no family time. I've been to Bible studies where I've heard women giving prayer requests for a date with their husband because they have not seen them because they are so busy serving the church. Of course, then they turn around and want to point the finger at everyone else who is not involved in all the programs.

 

The other thread about the single mother with four kids serving in the church nursery leaves me scratching my head. Seriously, if I knew her in real life and I found out her situation I would be telling her that she aught to be doing something else - she's got 4 kids! What that woman needs is a break!

 

So no, I won't be thanking any pastor for serving 80 hours a week and I won't be thanking anyone who sets that example. I will be thanking the pastor that keeps it all in perspective and that tells his flock where to put their attention and focus. I'll be thanking the pastor that is home with his wife and kids at night for dinner and that has enough faith that if a program is backed by God, the means to keep it running will be there.

 

While I am a little taken aback by the tone of your post, I do understand the point you are trying to make. And I think that what you shared can be valid. I have seen it happen as well and it is heartbreaking and makes for a poor leader IMHO but your anger toward the OP is inappropriate. She posted something she can probably only share here. The reality is, no matter how much you focus on your family, as a pastor, there are seasons that require extra hours and Christmas and Easter are those seasons.

 

I was startled to see you question her husbands faith at the end of your post. I find myself wondering if you have not been hurt by someone you needed serving in the church at your expense? It would make more sense of your post. I am sorry if that happened to you.

[jenL]

I don't quite get why the anger over this post. She posted that her dh's job was requiring a lot of hours. She requested that we all thank our pastors. Very simple.

 

This has nothing to do with how much her husband makes. She misses him, particularly this time of year. A time of year when family is particularly important. She reminded all of us to thank our pastor.

 

Why can this possibly be a bad thing? How can thanking anyone for what they do possibly be construed as a bad thing??? I'm just baffled over the tone of this thread.

 

:iagree: I have a dh who is going through a busy time at work... I understand what you are going through OP. :grouphug: to you as you hold it together right now. My best friend is a pastor's wife, and I see how there are seasons where her dh is busier than others. Busy times are the nature of any job that is being done well. It sounds like you and dh are in one of those seasons. Thanking someone for working hard is not a sin and should not be treated as such. I'm sorry you are receiving harsh words over your post.

[FloridaLisa]

Thanks for the reminder, OP. While we lay folks often *feel* thankful for all that our church staff does, this is a good reminder to put it into action!

 

Many blessings to you and your family as you all serve others,

Lisa

[kelouis75]

While I agree that pastors are overworked, and I agree that there are many lay people and volunteers who sacrifice too much for church programs, I find your post to be more than a bit harsh.

 

The sad reality is that many if not most pastors will be fired if they do not work extra hours over the holiday. The pressures on ministers are unreal, and I have found that very few laypeople truly understand all that is expected from a pastor at a very, very low pay. Rather than berating the pastor for the work he does, it is the congregation who should be taken to task. The ministry families with whom I have been friends know that they have no other option other than to meet the obligations of the church and find ways to connect as a family later, when the work of the holiday is done. Believe me, if their income and place within their church were not at stake it would be easier to pull back.

 

And to the OP--Thank you for the sacrifices your family makes. May God grant you the peace and togetherness I know your family craves.

 

While I agree with much of what you said, I find this statement to be the saddest part of all. This is what the western church has become??? :confused: Fear of losing one's position within the church??

 

We need to take some time and :chillpill:. And in the words of the Cross Movement (my favorite Chirstian Hip hop group): "We don't need another material object. We need to be plugged back into God... He's the socket...."

 

God is true to His promises. If we seek Him first He will provide everything a believer needs... He also said that His yoke is easy and His burden is light... 80 hours of joyfully serving is one thing, 80 hrs of draining and exhausting drudgery is another...

 

We're in the process of simplifying... So I may be reading into this post...

 

I do thank the op and all of the volunteers who help because I know what goes into serving on holidays. However, there are times when we just need to scale back and let the Holy Spirit move in His own way.

[Laurie4b]

I think pastors should be setting the standards of putting family first - that IS putting God first. I disagree wholeheartedly and have zero sympathy for pastors that work that many hours to "draw people to the Lord". Pastors need to be telling husbands and fathers to spend time with their family and to place THEM as a priority - especially these days with all the pulls on families. Most kids are at school all day and then the church has 18 million programs that don't foster "family" relationships, but rather kids ministries, womens ministries, mens ministries, etc. If there were less programs and pastors were telling families to go home, eat a meal together and enjoy each other, it would serve a much better purpose.

 

I have seen the results of exactly what you are talking about. There are a given number of 'martyrs' in every church that give their all, wear themselves out 'serving', and then complain that they have no family time. I've been to Bible studies where I've heard women giving prayer requests for a date with their husband because they have not seen them because they are so busy serving the church. Of course, then they turn around and want to point the finger at everyone else who is not involved in all the programs.

 

The other thread about the single mother with four kids serving in the church nursery leaves me scratching my head. Seriously, if I knew her in real life and I found out her situation I would be telling her that she aught to be doing something else - she's got 4 kids! What that woman needs is a break!

 

So no, I won't be thanking any pastor for serving 80 hours a week and I won't be thanking anyone who sets that example. I will be thanking the pastor that keeps it all in perspective and that tells his flock where to put their attention and focus. I'll be thanking the pastor that is home with his wife and kids at night for dinner and that has enough faith that if a program is backed by God, the means to keep it running will be there.

 

While you have some good points that could be discussed, they are lost in both the tone and the inappropriateness of posting in response to this particular post. Love is not rude .... only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment... and all that.

[Laurie4b]

A good reminder. Thank you.

 

Thank you for reminding us to be thankful for those who serve sacrificially.

[Carol in Cal.]

I hear you, and I hope that you and your family ENJOY the blessed season as well as working at it. It's never good to throw a party that you're not having fun at yourself.

 

Every year I spend a great deal of time writing, organizing, adjusting, and teaching a Christmas play to our Sunday School children. It is a tremendous amount of work, and significantly sacrificial. Every year I tell myself that it's not worth it, that I want to do all the stuff that everyone else gets to do at Christmas time instead of this. And every single year I love the Children's Christmas Service--I love the earnestness of the kids, the way it pulls the whole congregation together, the extended family members who come to see this--often the only time some of them make it into a church the whole year. Everything is so great. And every year I realize that it is spiritually nourishing for me as well as for the children and families, and resolve joyfully to do it again, better, next year.

 

May you and your family have the joy of service and the joy of celebration this Easter.

[CAMom]

Jana, really? You're really ripping into the OP? I don't even know what to say.:001_huh:

 

My husband is not a pastor but he's an elder of our church. These men take very seriously the responsibility of shepherding the flock of God. It's hard work! During some seasons, it is very time consuming. But, these men are called by God to feed His sheep and to preach the Word to the lost.

 

I'm shocked by your characterization of the OP as whining. I saddened by the uncharitable way you've spoken about her.

 

To the OP, praying for you as your husband goes through this busy time. May the Lord use his service to glorify Himself and may He encourage you as you serve your church by supporting your husband.:grouphug:

[EppieJ]

When we were doing Christmas musicals every year (we'd go all out), dh would kiss me at the door in September and say, "see you after the musical!" He did tech and I was usually on stage in some capacity. I understand what you're talking about. ds considers the church building his second home - which is a good thing in some ways, but it is nice to have family time away from the building as well. :tongue_smilie:

[Cammie]

Wow. Just trying to picture Jana's view of a healthy pastor's family. "So sorry your (mother/father/child) is dying but I can't make it to the hospital because my child has a soccer game and my family needs to be my top priority today."

 

As a minister's family it is UNDERSTOOD that there are demands on the minister that will be very, very important. This is no different from a doctor or someone in a host of other professions. Even as a lawyer there were times when I had to prepare for trial and I just couldn't do what I wanted to do at home.

 

Easter, actually the whole of Lent, happens to be a very busy times for pastors. What is so wrong about acknowledging that? If her husband had been a tax preparer and she posted about how busy he was in April would you have this same reaction?

 

I also thought the whole "minister's kids are all screwed up" generalization was very old. I don't think we are any more screwed up than the rest of the population...we just have hundreds of more people who are willing to point it out!

 

Just saying. (I don't know who I stole this phrase from but it is my new favorite!)

[Cammie]

 

As to the first two sections I quoted above, I'm in the position to know an awful lot right now about just how much astonishingly unfiltered crud pastors take from unhappy congregants on a jaw-droppingly regular basis. Even in a well-rounded church that's functioning very well, people seem to feel that they can comment negatively on *any*thing without having to think about whether or not their POV is rooted in reality, will cause undue damage (not every thought must necessarily be spoken), or in fact even makes any sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

(((OP))) Blessed Easter to you and yours.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: And perhaps that explains why I never joined another church once I moved out of my parents' home.

[Mama Bear]

If her husband had been a tax preparer and she posted about how busy he was in April would you have this same reaction?

 

 

I know some people willing to speak to this scenario. ;)

[apmom]

Whatever happened to "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

 

This thread has astonished me.

[angela in ohio]

Wow. Just trying to picture Jana's view of a healthy pastor's family. "So sorry your (mother/father/child) is dying but I can't make it to the hospital because my child has a soccer game and my family needs to be my top priority today."

 

In all fariness, OP didn't say her dh was working 80 hours this week ministering to the sick and dying, and so that is not what Jana has objected to, but the high amount of church programs.

 

I do agree with Jana a bit, although I have to agree that this might not have been the thread to post it in. But OP must understand that when you post something on a message board, not everyone will just agree and pat you on the back. It is the nature of speaking in a big "room" full of people.

 

I do think that the situation of someone whose dh works 80 hours a week for Easter and the burden of a single mother like in the original post are totally different.

Edited March 30, 2010 by angela in ohio

[Jen500]

I have sympathy for the OP (:grouphug:), but the last paragraph and title were a bit lecturey. Lots of us have husbands who work long hours, and it IS hard on the family...but my style would just be to say how hard it is for ME to have dh away and working so much....not also tell people to go thank their 'insert my dh's job here'.

[babysparkler]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and loving words. I'm thankful that most of you did not consider it "whiny", as that is not at all how it was intended. You are very gracious and loving and have been a comfort to me :)

 

My Dh is a wonderful, Godly man who I admire greatly and feel priviliged to partner in God's service with. Though his time during "peak" church seasons is very limited in the home, he does an excellent job of balancing that on "off-peak" times. He homeschools "elective" classes each morning before he goes off to work, and teaches a chess class at our co-op on Fridays when he is home from work. He coaches my son's soccer team, and is involved in Boy Scouts. All of this, and he is just a plain "awesome Dad". When I say that the family is on the back burner right now, I say that knowing that the next two weeks he will have vacation to be on "spring break" with the family. He is a great man, and never once have I ever heard him be a "martyr" in his service to the Lord. Sometimes I am truly saddened that my family doesn't get to celebrate Holy Week, Easter morning or Christmas Eve services, but that just comes with the ministry, and we knew that years ago when we began. Still, this time of year takes a toll on me, and I appreciate those of you who understand and shared your kind encouragements.

 

A thank you needs to come from the heart when you've been personally touched by the actions of another. The original poster is reminding people to offer thanks as something they "should do". I don't agree with her reminding people to say thanks and I posted my opinion on it.

 

I should have worded my post better... I don't ever expect someone to give thanks to their church staff, or anyone else, for that matter, especially if they are not feeling particularly appreciative... My husband would NEVER expect a note of thanks from anyone in the congregation at all! That is not why he serves. He works for God, not man, and expects nothing in return. I sent out that reminder merely as a wife who has seen the encouragement and blessing that comes when he does receive a note of appreciation out of the blue. It does make a difference to anyone serving in the ministry to know that lives are, in fact, being touched and changed, and that his work is not in vain. I'm sure military families would echo my sentiments.

 

(Jana- I understand the spirit of your words and, though we may disagree, I view your thoughts and feelings as valid. I'm sorry that my words rubbed you the wrong way.)

[OnTheBrink]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and loving words. I'm thankful that most of you did not consider it "whiny", as that is not at all how it was intended. You are very gracious and loving and have been a comfort to me :)

 

My Dh is a wonderful, Godly man who I admire greatly and feel priviliged to partner in God's service with. Though his time during "peak" church seasons is very limited in the home, he does an excellent job of balancing that on "off-peak" times. He homeschools "elective" classes each morning before he goes off to work, and teaches a chess class at our co-op on Fridays when he is home from work. He coaches my son's soccer team, and is involved in Boy Scouts. All of this, and he is just a plain "awesome Dad". When I say that the family is on the back burner right now, I say that knowing that the next two weeks he will have vacation to be on "spring break" with the family. He is a great man, and never once have I ever heard him be a "martyr" in his service to the Lord. Sometimes I am truly saddened that my family doesn't get to celebrate Holy Week, Easter morning or Christmas Eve services, but that just comes with the ministry, and we knew that years ago when we began. Still, this time of year takes a toll on me, and I appreciate those of you who understand and shared your kind encouragements.

 

 

 

I should have worded my post better... I don't ever expect someone to give thanks to their church staff, or anyone else, for that matter, especially if they are not feeling particularly appreciative... My husband would NEVER expect a note of thanks from anyone in the congregation at all! That is not why he serves. He works for God, not man, and expects nothing in return. I sent out that reminder merely as a wife who has seen the encouragement and blessing that comes when he does receive a note of appreciation out of the blue. It does make a difference to anyone serving in the ministry to know that lives are, in fact, being touched and changed, and that his work is not in vain. I'm sure military families would echo my sentiments.

 

(Jana- I understand the spirit of your words and, though we may disagree, I view your thoughts and feelings as valid. I'm sorry that my words rubbed you the wrong way.)

 

You are extraordinarily gracious. Your dh is a lucky man!

[iluvmy4blessings]

I want to tread carefully here b/c I really do not want to upset anyone. I do think, however, that the OP posted this thread in response to the thread that I posted about being a single Mom of 4 children and being discouraged with my Pastor at church. I could be wrong, but I strongly believe that the timing of OP's post was meant to be reactionary to the thread that I started. She did post over on my thread that she felt the congregation should not be expecting so much of the staff. My thread was talking about my dissappointment in the staff. As a pastor's wife who is working 80 plus hours a week, I think she felt somewhat offended to my posting and it may have hit a nerve with her. Now I could also be wrong about this but I feel if it is pretty obvious that this thread was started in reaction to mine.

 

Now having said all of that--there is absolutely nothing wrong with her starting a thread like this that is similar in vein but comes from her perspective. We all have a different perspective and hers is most certainly different from mine. I feel badly for anyone who is doing housework, childcare, homeschooling alone for the most part and struggling to get a break. I think we all need that from time to time.

 

I do want to note, however, at risk of peeving some people off...that she wrote "I am currently living the "single mother" life right now". To me she is apparently saying that she is living the exact same life that I am because she referred to herself as a "single mom". Although no one is required to do this, I would ask that you or anyone else who thinks this way please reanalyze it. When I was married and my husband was deployed from time to time, I often THOUGHT I was a single Mom during those times. Trust me when I say to you that actually being a single Mom is very different. When my husband was not around, I was far more stressed out BUT I knew that I had a husband. I was still supported financially by him even if he was NOT at home. If he was gone on a deployment for a year and I never saw him, I was still seeing his paycheck hit the bank and it covered groceries. I was still covered under his health insurance adn could go to the doctor. My children missed their Dad but knew he could not be there due to work obligations and NOT because he chose another woman over them. I knew that I could still talk to him about life even if just for 5 minutes over the phone or the 2 seconds before his head hit the pillow when he came home late. Even if he was so tired that all he could do was go straight to bed...well I could still curl up next to him while he slept knowing that I had a husband. That I was not alone. Completely and totally ALONE. Even if I was on the couch in the living room and he was in the bedroom, I knew he was there.

 

This is quite different from knowing you have NO ONE. That you really are alone . That you are stressed out and your now ex husband could care less. That he is not there b/c he CHOOSES to be soemwhere else. He is not with his children b/c he would rather be with someone else. I do not at all undermine what it is like to have a busy husband. I know this very well. I was married to an Army soldier for 12 years. We moved 7 times. He was deployed countless times. I can still tell you with complete honesty that I would take that life any day over being divorced and alone.

 

Having said all of that, we can all say "I have it harder than you". However, the truth is that we all have it tough and comparing whose got it worse is pointless. I think it's all relative anyway. I know that God has promised not to give us more than we can bear. So anyone who feels that they are at the end of their rope...I hope we can uplift one another and encourage one another. It does make a difference and I know that with the Holy Spirit we can all get through these tough seasons of life. This too shall pass!

 

Hope I did not offend anyone as that was truly not my intention.

Edited March 30, 2010 by iluvmy4blessings

[babysparkler]

Having said all of that, we can all say "I have it harder than you". However, the truth is that we all have it tough and comparing whose got it worse is pointless. I think it's all relative anyway. I know that God has promised not to give us more than we can bear. So anyone who feels that they are at the end of their rope...I hope we can uplift one another and encourage one another. It does make a difference and I know that with the Holy Spirit we can all get through these tough seasons of life. This too shall pass!

 

Hope I did not offend anyone as that was truly not my intention.

 

Yes, you are right. Again, my wording could have been different. There is a very big difference and I thank you for pointing that out. In times I do feel like I would have more support from people in general if I were a "single mother" since people tend not to notice when I could use some extra help because, in their eyes, I have a husband to take care of me... but then I remember that just the fact that he is supporting us, and would drop everything if the family had an emergency/crisis and we needed him, makes me immensely grateful. I'm very sorry that you have this situation, and do hope that your church family and friends step up and lend a hand to you. It must be more difficult than anyone not in the same situation can even understand.

[sassenach]

I stand corrected. Sorry iluvmy4blessings!

 

I want to tread carefully here b/c I really do not want to upset anyone. I do think, however, that the OP posted this thread in response to the thread that I posted about being a single Mom of 4 children and being discouraged with my Pastor at church. I could be wrong, but I strongly believe that the timing of OP's post was meant to be reactionary to the thread that I started. She did post over on my thread that she felt the congregation should not be expecting so much of the staff. My thread was talking about my dissappointment in the staff. As a pastor's wife who is working 80 plus hours a week, I think she felt somewhat offended to my posting and it may have hit a nerve with her. Now I could also be wrong about this but I feel if it is pretty obvious that this thread was started in reaction to mine.

 

Now having said all of that--there is absolutely nothing wrong with her starting a thread like this that is similar in vein but comes from her perspective. We all have a different perspective and hers is most certainly different from mine. I feel badly for anyone who is doing housework, childcare, homeschooling alone for the most part and struggling to get a break. I think we all need that from time to time.

 

I do want to note, however, at risk of peeving some people off...that she wrote "I am currently living the "single mother" life right now". To me she is apparently saying that she is living the exact same life that I am because she referred to herself as a "single mom". Although no one is required to do this, I would ask that you or anyone else who thinks this way please reanalyze it. When I was married and my husband was deployed from time to time, I often THOUGHT I was a single Mom during those times. Trust me when I say to you that actually being a single Mom is very different. When my husband was not around, I was far more stressed out BUT I knew that I had a husband. I was still supported financially by him even if he was NOT at home. If he was gone on a deployment for a year and I never saw him, I was still seeing his paycheck hit the bank and it covered groceries. I was still covered under his health insurance adn could go to the doctor. My children missed their Dad but knew he could not be there due to work obligations and NOT because he chose another woman over them. I knew that I could still talk to him about life even if just for 5 minutes over the phone or the 2 seconds before his head hit the pillow when he came home late. Even if he was so tired that all he could do was go straight to bed...well I could still curl up next to him while he slept knowing that I had a husband. That I was not alone. Completely and totally ALONE. Even if I was on the couch in the living room and he was in the bedroom, I knew he was there.

 

This is quite different from knowing you have NO ONE. That you really are alone . That you are stressed out and your now ex husband could care less. That he is not there b/c he CHOOSES to be soemwhere else. He is not with his children b/c he would rather be with someone else. I do not at all undermine what it is like to have a busy husband. I know this very well. I was married to an Army soldier for 12 years. We moved 7 times. He was deployed countless times. I can still tell you with complete honesty that I would take that life any day over being divorced and alone.

 

Having said all of that, we can all say "I have it harder than you". However, the truth is that we all have it tough and comparing whose got it worse is pointless. I think it's all relative anyway. I know that God has promised not to give us more than we can bear. So anyone who feels that they are at the end of their rope...I hope we can uplift one another and encourage one another. It does make a difference and I know that with the Holy Spirit we can all get through these tough seasons of life. This too shall pass!

 

Hope I did not offend anyone as that was truly not my intention.

Edited March 30, 2010 by Shannon831

[Melinda in VT]

I want to tread carefully here b/c I really do not want to upset anyone. I do think, however, that the OP posted this thread in response to the thread that I posted about being a single Mom of 4 children and being discouraged with my Pastor at church. I could be wrong, but I strongly believe that the timing of OP's post was meant to be reactionary to the thread that I started.

 

And I thought she posted in response to my response to her post on this thread. (But that might be a reflection of my own self-centeredness.)

[OnTheBrink]

Jana, I think you have gone too far. I also believe you owe the OP an apology for a judgment like that.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[sassenach]

You are extraordinarily gracious. Your dh is a lucky man!

 

:iagree:

You are a W.O.M.A.N.

 

Your graciousness is a shining light towards your Saviour. Hang in there, the week is almost done!

[iluvmy4blessings]

In times I do feel like I would have more support from people in general if I were a "single mother" since people tend not to notice when I could use some extra help because, in their eyes, I have a husband to take care of me... QUOTE]

 

Interesting. I never thought about it that way. It could be that people see your husband as the Pastor and just assume you must not have a problem in the world. I can see where that would be tough. I also think it must be very hard to be the Pastor's wife because in your own church who do you really talk to genuinely about your frustrations? Do you worry that if you tell them how you are feeling about things that it will be taken differently b/c you are talking about the Pastor? I wonder if this feels isolating. I never thought about it that way. I think Pastor's wives should have a special support group where they can speak freely about the frustrations they feel.

[babysparkler]

And I thought she posted in response to my response to her post on this thread. (But that might be a reflection of my own self-centeredness.)

 

No, it was a spin-off spurred by the thread by ilubmy4blessings... It wasn't meant to be contentious, just a reminder that some might appreciate in this busy time. I had no idea that it would cause such strife!

[Jenny in GA]

 

I do want to note, however, at risk of peeving some people off...that she wrote "I am currently living the "single mother" life right now". To me she is apparently saying that she is living the exact same life that I am because she referred to herself as a "single mom". Although no one is required to do this, I would ask that you or anyone else who thinks this way please reanalyze it. When I was married and my husband was deployed from time to time, I often THOUGHT I was a single Mom during those times. Trust me when I say to you that actually being a single Mom is very different. When my husband was not around, I was far more stressed out BUT I knew that I had a husband. I was still supported financially by him even if he was NOT at home. If he was gone on a deployment for a year and I never saw him, I was still seeing his paycheck hit the bank and it covered groceries. I was still covered under his health insurance adn could go to the doctor.

 

This is quite different from knowing you have NO ONE. That you really are alone .

 

 

About a year ago I was passively involved in a conversation between two single mothers in my church -- one was divorced, one was never married.

 

They said that they had to breathe slowly and refrain from wanting to claw out someone's eyes when they said something like, "Oh, I'm a single Mom this week." Having a husband be gone for a week on business, or whatever, is not even REMOTELY like being a true "single mother," they said. When you are a single mother, you are IT. You have no one's opinion or support. You carry the burden ALONE.

 

I never thought of it that way, and I'm now more careful about jokingly using that term.

 

Jenny

[iluvmy4blessings]

No, it was a spin-off spurred by the thread by ilubmy4blessings... It wasn't meant to be contentious, just a reminder that some might appreciate in this busy time. I had no idea that it would cause such strife!

 

Thank you for saying that your post was a spin off spurred by my thread. A couple of people just implied that I am self centered for having thought that. So I appreciate you saying that.

 

Like you, I don't have time to be self centered. It sounds like both of us keep very busy and were just looking for some support. The truth is our lives might be different but our needs are the same. Sometimes we just need encouragement. So please accept a big hug and know that you are doing a GREAT job. You are doing the most important thing there is in life which is caring for you children. Your husband is lucky to have you and so are your children. God bless you!!

[babysparkler]

Do you worry that if you tell them how you are feeling about things that it will be taken differently b/c you are talking about the Pastor? I wonder if this feels isolating. I never thought about it that way. I think Pastor's wives should have a special support group where they can speak freely about the frustrations they feel.

 

Yes, it does feel very isolating. Thank you for understanding! :) It is hard to find support from people I can "safely" vent to, but this thread has opened up some of those, so I am very grateful!