cringing at possible replies but need advice- 18 mo bad sleeper

[cathmom]

Please be kind and gentle!

 

:001_smile:

 

My baby settled into a pattern where he would fall asleep nursing between 9-10 PM. I would put him into his infant seat, and then when I was ready to go to bed, I would pick him up and take him with me (we cosleep). Then all of a sudden, he stopped falling asleep like that. I think that he realized that there was stuff going on and he didn't want to miss it.

 

Now that he is 18 months old, he fights sleep like I have never seen before! He can be falling over tired and take 2 hours to go to sleep.

 

With one of my older children, he was not sleeping well at 14 months, so I taught him how to sleep in the crib and within 2 or 3 days, he was fine. Around the same age with this child, I tried the same process exactly, but gave up when he was still screaming an hour later, screaming louder than he had at first and no sign of ever stopping. I haven't tried the crib again.

 

My ideal would be: I lay down with him for nap and nighttime and nurse him, and within 10-15 minutes he falls asleep. My ideal is not happening! I am not getting anywhere near enough sleep and cannot continue like this. He will literally be falling asleep and then force himself to wake up. My second option would be for him to not nap during the day and then go to bed early, but he cannot do this. The few times we have tried this, he wakes up at 10 or 11 and then is up for quite some time.

 

As I see it, there are several options.

 

1. Put him in the crib at naptime and bedtime and walk away. He will sleep eventually. (but my heart breaks at the thought of doing this - I am so not a cry-it-out person! And I tried this approach once with a different child and turned him into a crying, whimpering, clinging child who could only sleep with me holding him until he recovered.)

 

2. Clean up and childproof the room that my college-age child recently vacated (my 6 yo is in there too), set up his bed, and then my dh or I lie down with him at whatever we decide bedtime is and leave him in there. At naptime, I take him in there, stay for a bit and then leave.

 

3. Just go to bed with him at the same time every night until he learns to lie down and go to sleep. I tried this for a week recently and it took him up to 2 hours to fall asleep. Then I was setting my alarm and waking him up in the morning to kind of reset his clock.

 

I am sick and I am so tired that I don't even know what I am typing. Does it make any sense? I can't keep doing this. I need sleep. I need some kid-free time. I *never* have awake time when I am not dealing with at least one child. Oh, and dh works 7 days a week.

 

Any ideas? Please be gentle!

[specialmama]

#1

You need to take care of you. He'll be fine. :grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

Realize that my son still sleeps with us at 6, but I have trained children to sleep by themselves. You first decide what it's worth... is it worth it? If it is... you resolve! He's old enough to hear... "Mama is putting you to bed now, and you are to stay in bed until you wake in the morning." He won't necessarily understand...(maybe he will) but he will understand your resolve. I would read to him.... give him kisses and hugs... put him in with his blankie and a book... and say "night night" and walk out... Then you just ...walk out. You may have to go in... say night again... and again... and again.... That's why you have to really decide... if you need to have them sleep by themselves... Then realize that 3 hrs for a couple of nights.... brings many nights of rest. For us, with our son, we decided that he needs to touch and feel at night... and so he sleeps with us. BUT, if I needed the rest... I would make him.... (My husband says at 7... he'll be in his own room...)

 

:-)

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

None of the above? My best advice is to get a copy of The No-Cry Sleep Solution. Read it, apply it and try to keep all suffering to a minimum for baby and you. :grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

Hugs to You!

I guess I like option 2 the best - childproof the room and put his bed in there. But maybe some of the others will have ideas.

 

When DS14 was 18mos, we went thru a similiar struggle. We ended up putting him in a twin bed. We would lie with him for 10-15 minutes and then leave him in bed. It helped my son to have a nightlight and soft music.

[Karen in CO]

None of the above? My best advice is to get a copy of The No-Cry Sleep Solution. Read it, apply it and try to keep all suffering to a minimum for baby and you. :grouphug:

I had two terrific sleepers and one terrible sleeper. Twenty years ago, I Ferbered (yeah - that's a word, right?) my oldest. Ten years ago, I used The kinder No-Cry sleep solution with the middle. Somehow with my working and the older two and my life and my youngest's terrible milk allergy that resulted in many nights of tears for everyone, she became a bad sleeper probably because I was really haphazzard in what we did and was more concerned with my own sleep than the long-term issues. She is still getting put back in bed an hour after the first attempt, but usually with no tears. Of the three methods, I recommend the No-Cry Sleep Solution.

[Pink Fairy]

I became a cry-it-out mom with my second baby, and I've never looked back. It's not because I enjoy it, but because I think it's better for the baby to cry than to have an exhausted, stressed-out mom doing a poor job with him and his siblings (not saying this is you, but it's definitely me). I get cranky when I'm exhausted, and that's not good for anybody.

 

My kids are loved to pieces, and are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, despite me letting them cry it out when they needed to sleep and wouldn't.

 

Whatever you decide to do, don't worry too much. Things always work out in the end. :grouphug:

 

ETA: This post is in reference to an older baby/toddler, not a newborn or any infant under 6 months of age.

Edited February 14, 2010 by Mamabegood
Clarification

[HeidiKC]

You mention your 6-year-old son being in the room you might child-proof (or did I read that wrong?). What about putting your little one in there with the 6-year-old? Would that work at all? Then he wouldn't feel so alone and maybe 6-year-old could model bedtime and sleeping behavior!

 

Sounds like you are exhausted! Could your husband give you a break for a day/night or two while you figure this out and catch up on sleep, especially in case your next plan of action might require some difficult days/nights to start with.

 

Good luck - it's hard. I think that is why God made those little ones so adorable!

[PeterPan]

Kids are just so different in their sleeping styles. My dd always wanted to be RIGHT THERE in bed, snuggling, and she's still a snuggly person. She was NOT ambivalent about my presence. Ds 16 months, on the other hand, is very self-determinate and likes his own space. We do a side-car arrangement with the crib, and that works out EXTREMELY well. Have you ever tried that? It might be somewhat of a compromise for you. When my dd, the very physical one, was around that age I really had to establish some boundaries, just for my own peace. I would nurse her and then shove her in her pen (the crib with the side open to our bed) and tell her nursles went night-night. If she came over, I would nurse and put her back. So it developed, very gently, some acceptance of the boundaries I needed to have peace.

 

My ds has done what you're saying, waking up, and I think a couple things come into play. I think sometimes he was teething. This happened a lot last week, and a small dose of medicine plus a sip of water put him back to sleep. I stay up much later than dh or baby, so I'm always keenly aware when he's waking up every hour, lol. Besides teething, the other thing is shoving food into him like nobody's business. He's such an active fellow, he doesn't really ask to eat. We basically shove high-value food into him until he won't eat anymore. We eat a lot of vegetables and things that have low fat, low calories, so an active little one doesn't necessarily get the fat and protein he needs. So we make extra effort to give him things like almond butter, avocado, an egg, or something like that in the evening, shoveling it in, something to top him off. He still nurses like a storm. I think he needs both the food and the good nursing. :)

 

The other reason he wakes up I think is that sense of restlessness, wondering where I am. Here lately he is doing better, and I think it is a combo of his teeth not bothering him right now (hallelujah), shoveling food into him, and putting him directly into his sidecar/crib/pen arrangement, which for him feels like where he's supposed to be. I used to just put him in temporary places like a blanket or nest on the floor near me while I was doing my evening surfing, but he woke up more often. The BAD thing is that if he's in that sidecar and wakes up, he wakes up dh unless I get there really fast.

 

If he wakes up and wants to play, the key is to turn out all the lights and nurse him back to sleep, no talking, no play. If he still wants to play, then you can put him in his pen. I used to have to do that occasionally with dd and have done it once or twice with him. Sometimes they just wake up and think it might be fun to play. You have to turn out everything and let them figure out that everyone is asleep. Eventually they get the idea and give up, after they try to poke out your eyes and pester you a little. :)

 

I waited so long for ds (9 1/2 years!), I've been a lot more chilled out about the sleeping thing. Whatever it is, it will pass. If he's a snuggly child, just embrace it. I can understand wanting your personal space. You may need to talk with your dh about that and create some game plan for meeting your need there. When dd was little, she was so intense, I would just leave her with dd and go shower for 45 minutes, irrespective of her crying or anything else. That was my private time. Everybody needs that, and you may just need to pipe up and require it, ask for it, carve it. Surely the others could watch the littles for that long and give you some space?

[Amy Jo]

I like option 2. Bedtime story, goodnight kiss, tell him to stay in bed. I'd give him a book, maybe a radio. I think consistent sleep and waking times would help, not that I've ever tried consistency with my kids. :blushing:

 

Letting my youngest son snuggle with his brother helped the transition for him. Is that an option?

[PeterPan]

Oh mercy, I glanced at that No-Cry Sleep Solution book at the library. That left me SO confused and frustrated, because I couldn't figure out why my baby didn't want to go to bed at 6, no matter what the experts and the book said, lol. It's fine, but I'm so tired of experts. Kids are themselves.

[cathmom]

Thanks! Keep the opinions coming - they are helping!

 

Personal space is not the issue. I don't mind him sleeping with me - I like it. The issue, I guess, is him not going to sleep quickly.

 

We did switch my now-6 yo into a twin bed at 20 months (I was expecting twins) and he did fine. So, yes, my 6 yo would stay in the room with him.

[PeterPan]

Is he taking two naps that could go down to one? That might make him more tired early. My ds takes one long nap and then gets tired early in the evening. If he naps twice, he doesn't go to bed till late like that or is energetic and hard to get down.

[cathmom]

Is he taking two naps that could go down to one? That might make him more tired early. My ds takes one long nap and then gets tired early in the evening. If he naps twice, he doesn't go to bed till late like that or is energetic and hard to get down.

 

Nope. He dropped the second nap a long time ago.

[gaillardia]

This sounds like what I went through also. Two hours later and the child is still crying, and I am not a "let them cry it out" person either, but I tried a few times. Even having other children in the same room didn't work, unless... We used music, Nature Sounds by twin sisters, which is very gentle music. And I also massaged the feet and legs, sometimes the face and head. Anything, whatever I could think of to get some relief! Consider aromatherapy oils, I've used herbal glycerines that have sleepy herbs.;)

A good routine, and if you have other children let them assist your little one for getting ready for bed. That also worked for us. By the time most of them were 18 months we were no longer co-sleeping or nursing.

[PeterPan]

It's not a permanent solution, but Calm Child (or similar herbal tinctures of chamomile and whatnot) will chill them out pretty quickly and allow them to fall asleep. We never left home without it when dd was little. Anything exciting wound her up and made her hard to get down. Takes about 15 minutes.

[cathmom]

This sounds like what I went through also. Two hours later and the child is still crying, and I am not a "let them cry it out" person either, but I tried a few times. Even having other children in the same room didn't work, unless... We used music, Nature Sounds by twin sisters, which is very gentle music. And I also massaged the feet and legs, sometimes the face and head. Anything, whatever I could think of to get some relief! Consider aromatherapy oils, I've used herbal glycerines that have sleepy herbs.;)

A good routine, and if you have other children let them assist your little one for getting ready for bed. That also worked for us. By the time most of them were 18 months we were no longer co-sleeping or nursing.

 

LOL the earliest I've weaned is 20 months when I was pregnant with the twins!

 

It's not a permanent solution, but Calm Child (or similar herbal tinctures of chamomile and whatnot) will chill them out pretty quickly and allow them to fall asleep. We never left home without it when dd was little. Anything exciting wound her up and made her hard to get down. Takes about 15 minutes.

 

I never even thought of anything like that! Thanks!

[Cera]

Both my girls coslept past 18 months and the second was a very difficult sleeper. We eventually figured out that she had a window during which she had to get to sleep or it was going to be a miserable night. I had to put her down earlier (around 7 if her nap was 1-3) than I had been and would nurse her then sit on the edge of the bed and rub her back until she fell asleep.

 

Besides the earlier bedtime we added lots of outside playtime (sometimes the kids just ran around the house a dozen times after dinner) and I tried to spend 15 minutes or so focused just on her before bedtime. She seemed more willing to give in and sleep if she had some undivided attention.

 

The only other suggestion I have is a night out, even if it is a hotel 5 min from home. With our first I never left, with our second I started going to a local hotel once every couple of months to recharge and it was (is) wonderful. Check in at dinner, take a hot bath, eat ice cream while watching movies your husband wouldn't like then go to bed early and sleep through the night. Wake up refreshed, get a quick massage and head home in time for lunch.

[Caribbean Queen]

My first thought was that he needs to go to bed eariler. When some kids get overly tired they get a second wind and can't fall asleep.

 

You probably know this already, but, make sure he gets excersize and doesn't sleep in too much. I used to let my first child sleep until 9:30 in the morning, watch too much TV, and take a 3 hour nap, and then I didn't know why he was up until midnight. :tongue_smilie:

 

I cut out a lot of the TV watching and woke him up early. At bedtime I layed down with him for a long time until he fell asleep. I did not play or talk to him. I bored him to sleep. This was not a big inconvience to me because I am tired at night anyway, plus that was temporary. After he got accustomed to his new bedtime, he would fall asleep faster. He would even stay in bed and not complain if I got up and left.

 

I have heard people in real life say that all moms must use the cry-it-out method. All my children are great sleepers and I have never, ever used it, so I know what people say is not true.

[FriedClams]

I vote #1.

 

I think setting up an environment where kids don't get appropriate sleep is similar to setting up an environment where they don't get appropriate food. It's a necessity to their health and well-being (as well as to yours!). The current system you are using isn't working - and you and the baby (toddler) need sleep. Having a toddler (I say that becuase your child is a toddler, and it's not like you are letting a 2 month old cry it out) to fall asleep on their own after a sweet time of snuggling and mommy time is not cruel.

[Chris in VA]

I know this is not a popular opinion, and it's just that--an opinion.

I think the reason the cry it out option doesn't work for some people is that they give up too easily.

I've heard countless times of moms that say it doesn't work, because they tried it and Johnny cried for 2 hours, and then they just couldn't stand it anymore and went in. So what really happened is Johnny found out if he cries for two hours, he won't have to go to sleep! It seems more cruel to me to do any method that involves crying, half-heartedly.

 

The key to any method working more quickly is to accept your child's discomfort, and be consistent.

 

If you are going to use the Ferber method, the SuperNanny method, or strictly crying it out (I don't believe in just letting a child cry for a long, long time without at least going in for a moment), you have to be a little tough, and do what is uncomfortable for you. You can't do it three nights and then give up. You do it until your child accepts that this is sleep time, and that's that.

 

It's kind of like when my 22mo needed us to do physical therapy with him at home, which involved helping him stretch his legs b/c he had shortened heel cords. I couldn't do it. I was too soft. I let my own discomfort at his discomfort prevent me from doing what was ultimately right for my child. If my husband hadn't kept his eyes on the goal, my son could have been permanently handicapped.

 

Think of the long term goal.:grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

At 18months, #1. It will only take a couple days. It's not the same as crying it out with a 2 or 6 month old. It's COMPLETELY different at that age.

[SquirrellyMama]

You can try #1. I did that with my 1st and 2nd child. My first only cried for 15 minutes and was asleep. We only had to do it one day. My 2nd cried for at least an hour. I put on headphones (my dh was home and not as bothered as I was) and read a book. He cried only that long for 1 night. The second night I think it was 30 minutes and the 3rd night it was 15. My 3rd child has always had someone to sleep with so we didn't have a problem with her.

 

We've always allowed the kids to come into our bed during the night if they needed to but they have to start in their own beds.

 

I think I would try the option of putting the child in bed with the 6 yr old and seeing if that works. Maybe the 18 mo old will stay in bed if snuggling a sibling. My three kids all slept in one twin bed for about a year. They were all so sweet sleeping together :001_wub:

 

I feel for you :grouphug:

[MelanieM]

If he's not napping and taking two hours to get to sleep, I would say it's highly possible he's over-tired and an earlier bed time might just work this all out for you. Can you try a super-early bed time to see how it goes? When we switched to a 7:00-7:30 bed time we drastically cut back on the time it took for my then toddler to fall asleep. The later we went to bed, the longer he took!

 

Also, I wouldn't wake him in the morning. If he is over-tired, that will just add to it. Let him sleep and regulate his own clock. If you need to, use the alarm for yourself so that you can get alone time at some other point through the night. (When my second was a baby I often went to sleep with him at 8:00 and got up by myself at 3am. Heavenly! I very fondly remember those hours alone in a dark house!)

 

There's a reason it breaks your heart to hear him screaming. Trust your instincts, and don't go the CIO route. It sounds like you already know from experience the damage that can do, and it doesn't sound like you think it's worth it. (I was left to CIO as a baby, and I know it damaged my relationship with my mother. We've spoken about it as adults, and she still feels bad about doing that to *us*, 36 years later.)

 

Sending lots of sleepy vibes and the very best of luck to you.

[Parrothead]

I have to say that I'd go with a combination of 1 and 2. Be firm that bedtime is bedtime. Like a PP said he may not understand the words but he will the tone. Put him in his bed with lots of love and a story. When it is time for you to leave the room give him a bed book, a blankie (or other comfort item) and a flashlight.

 

He can "read" or play with crib critters or what ever else he can find to do in the bed. But he has to stay in bed until morning (or until nap time is over).

 

He may not need as much sleep as the others. But he has to learn to go to sleep. A quite time at nap time may not be as refreshing as an actual nap, but he will get a bit of a recharge.

 

Good luck.

[dtb1999]

I know this is not a popular opinion, and it's just that--an opinion.

I think the reason the cry it out option doesn't work for some people is that they give up too easily.

I've heard countless times of moms that say it doesn't work, because they tried it and Johnny cried for 2 hours, and then they just couldn't stand it anymore and went in. So what really happened is Johnny found out if he cries for two hours, he won't have to go to sleep! It seems more cruel to me to do any method that involves crying, half-heartedly.

 

The key to any method working more quickly is to accept your child's discomfort, and be consistent.

 

It's kind of like when my 22mo needed us to do physical therapy with him at home, which involved helping him stretch his legs b/c he had shortened heel cords. I couldn't do it. I was too soft. I let my own discomfort at his discomfort prevent me from doing what was ultimately right for my child. If my husband hadn't kept his eyes on the goal, my son could have been permanently handicapped.

 

Think of the long term goal.:grouphug:

 

 

Wow. Accept my child's discomfort? How can anyone just accept their child's misery and leave them to cry for hours? And to compare neccessary physical therapy to leaving a small baby or child to cry alone behind crib bars is absurd. It is absolutely not neccessary or right for a child to have to cry themselves to sleep and they will in no way be handicapped by being comforted. :glare:

 

To the OP: CIO is so hard for (most) moms because it is telling you to go against every instinct in your body to comfort and hold your child. Babies and children cry for reasons, even if they are reasons that don't seem "legitimate" to us. Hold that baby. Enjoy this time. Both of my kids were lousy nappers at that age. I used to pace the floor with a 2 year old in my arms practically in tears from frustration that he wouldn't just lie down on his own and sleep. That 2 yr old is now 5 and I SO miss the days when he was small enough to rock to sleep like that. Go with your gut. You don't want to leave your child to CIO because it is wrong, so don't. Hold him or sit with him. Let him know you are there. Babies and children are not manipulating us at that age, I promise. ;)

[specialmama]

I need to share a story here. Please understand first off, that I am not saying there is anything wrong with your baby... the gist of the story is WHY I am SO happy we did #1!!!!

 

Case #1

My son has autism. We knew by around 15mths. At that age, I put all of my children in their crib and said goodnight then walked away. They either played or went to sleep. Fast forward today: my son goes to bed SO good! It's a 5 min routine and he's off to lala-land. Mama couldn't be happier.

 

Case #2

A friend of mine has a 10 yr old with autism. She believed in co-sleeping and doing everything to help her child fall asleep. Her son is now 100 lbs (mama is 90) and she MUST rock him for FOUR hours before he falls asleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Don't tell me she can't! She has tried. But most kids with autism get stuck in rituals and habits and it's like the end of the world if that ritual changes or ends. Mom is sooooo tired and lacks energy and will power... so she is stuck doing this night after night for four hours. She's not sure when it will change. I agree she needs professional help. But you know what, I think she needed professional help way back when. This should NOT have become a habit. Seriously. Look at her life now. She can't have company over, can't watch a movie, can't do the dishes, can't go on holiday, can't travel, can't can't can't.

 

Neither one of us knew our children had autism when the night routine became habit. But I am SO happy I did #1 (combo of #2 really) and not her way. It is why I tell every mom I know who is going through this: don't do something right now in the bedtime routine that you will regret if it sticks for years and years.

 

You are tired now for a reason. It's time to change it before it changes you. :grouphug:

[PeterPan]

We NEVER did cry it out, and my dd is a fabulous sleeper. I think sometimes people confuse co-sleeping with letting the kids run the home, mercy. You set limits and boundaries. By this age (16 months), I can tell my ds to go to sleep and he CAN, because it's an obedience thing. He understands it and can chose. He doesn't have to cry to figure that out. I just hold him and tell him. And when he doesn't go to sleep, even when trying, it means something isn't right. He's overtired, waiting for a bowel movement, has sore teeth, is hungry, something. But to say people will end up with horrible sleeping children who cry through summer camp and are medication-addict adults (not what people said obviously, lol) is silly. My dd has never had a nightmare or any other sleep problem AT ALL. But she is unusually attuned to people and aware of needs and feelings.

 

People for thousands of years have slept together. I think we've lost our heritage on how to do it and do it responsibly and practically.

[PeterPan]

Does the MOM of the autistic dc mind this, or only you? Most normal dc don't have that extreme ritual pattern and would outgrow it, just fine. My dd still likes to be rocked sometimes. She's just a very snuggly, affectionate person. :)

[Ellie]

What worked for me:

 

Nurse sweet baby, not while lying down but sitting in a comfy chair. Put sweet baby into bed. Walk away. If sweet baby wakes during the night, bring him back to bed and nurse him to sleep. Eventually, bring him back to bed, nurse him, put him back in his bed; followed by waiting a few minutes to see if he'll go back to sleep before going to get him.

[Corraleno]

The one night I tried the CIO method with my then-18 mo, he cried for 4 hours and vomited. That was the end of CIO.

 

Here's what worked for me. It's slower than CIO, but (IMO) much gentler. I would nurse & rock him until he was sleepy, then put him in his crib. I had a chair next to his crib and would sit there and rub his back through the bars of the crib. Whenever he woke at night, I would go in and sit in the chair and rub his back. After a few days of that, I would just sit in the chair and hold his hand until he fell asleep, and would do the same if he woke up at night. No talking or playing and I wouldn't pick him up, just sit and hold his hand.

 

Next step was just sitting beside the crib, and then each night I would move the chair a little farther away. If he woke at night, I would go in and sit in the chair, but not touch him or pick him up ~ just let him know that I was there for him if he felt he needed me to be there. Eventually, I moved the chair to the doorway, so he could only see part of me, and then put it in the hallway. After that I could just stand in the hallway and say "Shhhh" or "It's OK" and he'd go right back to sleep. His room was across from mine, so at that point if he ever woke crying at night I could just talk to him without getting out of bed and he'd settle right back down.

 

It took about 3 weeks for a previously co-sleeping child who was used to nursing to sleep every night (and nursing back to sleep whenever he woke up) to go to sleep ~ and stay asleep ~ in his own crib. It was not traumatic for him, there was no crying, and he has remained a good sleeper. I just couldn't bear the thought of him lying there sobbing, knowing that I was refusing to comfort him no matter how distressed he was or how much *he* felt he needed me. I would rather spend 3 weeks and have him never doubt that I would come whenever he needed me, and let him learn, very gently, that he could fall asleep and stay asleep by himself, rather than make him feel like he had no choice.

 

Jackie

[Chris in VA]

Wow. Accept my child's discomfort? How can anyone just accept their child's misery and leave them to cry for hours? And to compare neccessary physical therapy to leaving a small baby or child to cry alone behind crib bars is absurd. It is absolutely not neccessary or right for a child to have to cry themselves to sleep and they will in no way be handicapped by being comforted. :glare:

 

To the OP: CIO is so hard for (most) moms because it is telling you to go against every instinct in your body to comfort and hold your child. Babies and children cry for reasons, even if they are reasons that don't seem "legitimate" to us. Hold that baby. Enjoy this time. Both of my kids were lousy nappers at that age. I used to pace the floor with a 2 year old in my arms practically in tears from frustration that he wouldn't just lie down on his own and sleep. That 2 yr old is now 5 and I SO miss the days when he was small enough to rock to sleep like that. Go with your gut. You don't want to leave your child to CIO because it is wrong, so don't. Hold him or sit with him. Let him know you are there. Babies and children are not manipulating us at that age, I promise. ;)

 

 

If you are going to quote me, quote the whole thing, and don't leave out the parts that address what you are taking issue with.

[coffeegal]

My prefered method, with young children, is to tuck the children into bed and then remain in the room/nearby until they fall asleep. When the first 3 were 2 1/2, 18 months, and newborn, I tucked them into bed and stayed in the room studying until they went to sleep. Eventually, it evolved into my singing the children to sleep. The children learned to sleep in their own beds, I didn't go crazy listening to screaming, and have many pleasant memories of our bedtime routine. The downside is it is time consuming at first. There were some nights it took 1-2 hours to get the children down, but with a good book or fun hobby it's actually quite relaxing.

 

HTH! :001_smile:

[amy g.]

When Miss Bossy was going through the same thing, I'd take her outside to walk her on the dark road when she got sleepy. Sometimes, I might have to whisper a story to her while we were walking.

 

She would always fall asleep quickly away from the lights and noise. Then I'd lay her in my bed until I was ready to join her.

 

Now, my 11 year old takes her to bed to read books at 8:00, and stays with her until she is asleep. Hallelujah!

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

Oh mercy, I glanced at that No-Cry Sleep Solution book at the library. That left me SO confused and frustrated, because I couldn't figure out why my baby didn't want to go to bed at 6, no matter what the experts and the book said, lol. It's fine, but I'm so tired of experts. Kids are themselves.

 

Hmm. I don't remember that. I used the book for all three of my dc and their bedtime has always been 8:30, from infancy to present. I do think it can be an overwhelming book to a sleepy mom because it has so many choices and a lot of advice. If a mom is dedicated to the idea of not doing cry it out, it's worth a read. You can definitely pick and choose from the many techniques to see what would work best for your situation. If mom doesn't want to put baby to bed at 6, she certainly can ignore that. I did and it worked out beautifully. I've got three stellar sleepers who, since infancy, have gone to sleep on their own and regularly sleep from 8:30 pm to 7:30 am (ds3 being the early bird and dd5 being the longest sleeper). I also used a co-sleeper side-car bassinet for my three from birth to about six months. By then, all were pretty much sleeping through the night and transitioned to cribs in their own rooms. It was pretty much smooth sailing, and I give full credit to the advice in the book.

 

I have nothing to add in terms of advice, but I wanted to add that I think it is worth addressing sooner rather than later. I have a friend who is very anti cry it out, etc. etc. I'm somewhere in the middle. Well, my friend's children are now 4 and 7 and she still spends hours every night dealing with children who cannot fall asleep, or stay asleep. She sleeps on their floor many many nights. She told me she cannot remember the last time she got a real nights sleep nor was able to sleep in her bed the entire night.

 

Oh my. You don't want that. I'm not saying that is what will happen, but enough already...they are not babies and she is really killing her health and sanity! And I suspect the older her children get the harder it is going to be to deal with it. It goes beyond letting them cry it out now.

 

Well, I would just like to say that you're right about addressing it sooner rather than later but that doesn't necessitate a cry it out approach. Children can be fabulous sleepers without it. It does take more patience but, for me, crying it out would have been far too stressful. You can be a well-rested mommy without crying. I get 8-9 hours of sleep a night (if I go to bed at a reasonable hour like a good girl). :lol:

 

I have heard people in real life say that all moms must use the cry-it-out method. All my children are great sleepers and I have never, ever used it, so I know what people say is not true.

 

:iagree:

 

There's a reason it breaks your heart to hear him screaming. Trust your instincts, and don't go the CIO route.

 

:iagree: and this was why I couldn't do cry it out.

 

BUT.

 

But, but, but... I have a dear friend (actually is our choice of guardian for my dc if anything should happen to DH and me) who did cry it out with all three of her kids. She is the oldest of 7 kids and she saw that her mom (a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner) did it with all of her siblings. They were all well-adjusted and not scarred for life. She did not have a problem listening to the crying. She made a choice that it was how she was going to do it and she did it. She had faith that it would work and she didn't experience the emotional angst about it that I would have.

 

We are different people. What works for one mom will not always work for another (something we all know, of course). We can all believe what we want about what is best for children in general and our children in particular but we cannot be inside the home and heart of another mother to know what is best for her. So, if people ask for help, I recommend what worked well for me. In the end, moms have to do what works for them. I do remember those early days of sleep deprivation. Frankly, it's one of the biggest reasons I stopped at 3!

 

:grouphug: to OP. In the end, you have to do what feels right for you.

Edited February 14, 2010 by Alte Veste Academy

[myfunnybunch]

My prefered method, with young children, is to tuck the children into bed and then remain in the room/nearby until they fall asleep. When the first 3 were 2 1/2, 18 months, and newborn, I tucked them into bed and stayed in the room studying until they went to sleep. Eventually, it evolved into my singing the children to sleep. The children learned to sleep in their own beds, I didn't go crazy listening to screaming, and have many pleasant memories of our bedtime routine. The downside is it is time consuming at first. There were some nights it took 1-2 hours to get the children down, but with a good book or fun hobby it's actually quite relaxing.

 

Aw, this just brought back some sweet memories. I used to do this too, with my guys. I'd sing sometimes, or read out loud whatever it was that I was reading. It helped that often the reading was over their heads just a bit because they zoned out to the sound of my voice without being distracted by the content. I loved that time.

 

To the OP, I haven't had anything to add to the words of wisdom that you've got. Just hugs. I had a difficult sleeper, my first, and I remember that feeling that if I didn't get some sleep I was going to lose my mind. :grouphug: I hope you find something that works for you and your sweet little one.

 

Cat

[smrtmama]

He's 18 months old. He's still a baby. Expecting him to self-soothe down into a full nights sleep is unreasonable and leaving him to cry is quite cruel (your heart breaks for a reason, mama -- LISTEN TO IT!). I agree that you should check out the No Cry Sleep Solution.

[cathmom]

Thank you all for your replies! I think I have a general plan now. As soon as dh and I are feeling better, we will get the room with our 6 yo in it set up for the baby. When the other little ones go to bed, we'll get him ready too, and then one of us will go sit in the room next to his bed until he learns to stay laying down and go to sleep. The 6 yo will be a good example. I figure that we may as well start as we mean to go on - no point in training him to do one thing and then changing it later.

 

Thanks again!

[Starr]

It sounds like he will be loving his new situation very soon!

[cathmom]

It sounds like he will be loving his new situation very soon!

 

Let's hope!

[Heidi7Sue]

Yikes. Would it be possible for dh or anyone else to give you a break for 24-48 hours? It sounds like you need a vacation. Lots of sleep, and doing whatever you find rejuvenating. Any of those options will work better if you are rested at the outset.

 

As for which to try, I'm sorry, my kids only had sleep issues as newborns, and again with teeth, and now it's all better.

 

Hey, that reminds me...could he be getting some molars? That always turned my good sleepers into terrible sleepers.

[cathmom]

Yes, teething is a part of it, I think. I had one week where I had him doing better, and then he just had a horrible night where he wouldn't sleep at all. The next week we went to the dentist for the older dc and the dentist looked at his teeth and said that he had just gotten 2 new ones. So that was probably the bad night.

 

I am also going to work on getting him more exercise and more food LOL. I think they could be factors too.

 

Heidi, I would LOVE a vacation for 24 hours. But with nursing I don't really want to leave him, and dh works every day of the week. I do need a break - I need him to go to bed so I can have some time every night kid-free. I know I am burnt out right now but I don't see an alternative.

[kmacnchs]

It seems as though you have pretty much made up your mind but I would have said #1 or #3. It is difficult to change ways mid-way through and if you want him to sleep w/you, then he will eventually learn to do so. If you do not, you've got to start sometime. For some kids, it will only take 1 or 2 nights of CIO and then they are fine(ish) to sleep on their own. I think at that age, it is less of self-soothing and more of learning a new habit. It is my kids' habit to sleep in their own bed b/c we started this at birth (I'm always afraid I will roll over them!:001_huh:). It's harder to start a new habit w/an 18 mo old but not impossible!

[Pamela H in Texas]

Oh, I wanted to suggest one more consideration (which can work with your choice). A LOT of parents put their children down too late. One easy way to ease bedtime troubles is to back up 30-60 minutes. Parents often hate this idea because it makes bedtime more like 7 or 7:30 than 8-9, but it really does work.

 

Just a thought but the first tweak *I* would make would be to back up bedtime and see if kiddo isn't just getting a second wind.

[Renee in NC]

Oh, I wanted to suggest one more consideration (which can work with your choice). A LOT of parents put their children down too late. One easy way to ease bedtime troubles is to back up 30-60 minutes. Parents often hate this idea because it makes bedtime more like 7 or 7:30 than 8-9, but it really does work.

 

Just a thought but the first tweak *I* would make would be to back up bedtime and see if kiddo isn't just getting a second wind.

 

This is true in our house. They also sleep more (and then behave better.) If I put them to bed at 7:30 or 9:30, they generally still get up at the same time. The earlier bed time is also easier to make happen with my 3yo.

[SonshineLearner]

Heidi, I would LOVE a vacation for 24 hours. But with nursing I don't really want to leave him, and dh works every day of the week. I do need a break - I need him to go to bed so I can have some time every night kid-free. I know I am burnt out right now but I don't see an alternative.

 

Just to lyk, it's sometimes possible to leave children when they are nursing. I nursed until my son was 4years and 10 months.... and I had several times of being away for the weekend and one or two times for 5 days. Of course, they were with trusted adults... like my husband and also my mom...

 

:-)

[cathmom]

Just to lyk, it's sometimes possible to leave children when they are nursing. I nursed until my son was 4years and 10 months.... and I had several times of being away for the weekend and one or two times for 5 days. Of course, they were with trusted adults... like my husband and also my mom...

 

:-)

 

Thanks! I have in the past left nursing children for a night or two, but they were over the age of 2. At 18 months, I'm just not comfortable with it, but there's really no way to do it now either, so it doesn't matter.