Am I overreacting?

[KristineinKS]

For a variety of reasons, my twins returned to PS two weeks ago (mainly, they really wanted to). Almost from the start I've had issues with the school, despite my best intentions to overlook as much as possible for the sake of peace. However, one teacher, in particular, seems to be picking on one of the boys daily - calling him out into the hall to berate him for various things. Granted he IS fairly disorganized, this is something we've struggled with for years, but she seems to be intentionally picking fights over really petty things.

 

It's also come to my attention that she keeps bringing up the fact that he was homeschooled, saying "I don't know what you did when you were being homeschooled..." or "I don't care what your mom did when she was homeschooling you..." etc. For some reason, this, on top of everything else, is REALLY hitting a nerve. Am I overreacting here? I don't feel that she has ANY right to keep mentioning the fact that he was homeschooled because it is completely irrelevant to anything! (And we only homeschooled him 1 year, prior to that he was at this same PS.) Needless to say, he HATES school now & is desperate to come back home.

 

Quite frankly, I'm ready to bring him back home, but his twin wants to stay at the PS & is afraid I'll cause problems for *him* with this teacher, especially if I bring up her behavior. I have a conference with her Thursday, but am not even sure how to discuss this. She's not the only teacher at the school behaving poorly either, so I'm really in a quandary. How would you handle this?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are they in the same class with the same teacher? If you bring him home, would you have to give them a reason? (ie. you wouldn't need to bring up her behavior, in order to bring him home.)

[justamouse]

Have the meeting, tell her how her attitude is affecting your child and be prepared to kindly tell her that your kid will no longer be going to her school.

 

There is just no need on God's green earth for your kid to have to put up with an adult (who is supposed to be a professional) undermining his school career.

[smrtmama]

This kind of abuse from a teacher was one of the main reasons why I pulled DS1 from public school and started homeschooling.

[KristineinKS]

They are in different classes, but both of them have this teacher at various times during the day. I would not have to give anyone a reason for withdrawing him, though I'm sure they'll ask. Quite frankly, I don't even want to meet her at this point, I've heard more than enough to know that I'm going to have a hard time facing her & remaining pleasant. Especially knowing that one of the twins will remain in her classes.

[Anne in CA]

I don't see this problem getting better just by you talking to her. She sounds like one of those teachers who couldn't do anything else. I had a couple of those. I lived in a small town with a limited number of jobs for anyone at all, much less women and women with a college education had to teach to work. Some of them still give me the creeps to this day.

 

My friend who lives in that small town still works managing the school cafeteria and she says she can't believe how many teachers HATE kids. Not dislike, HATE.

 

It sounds to me like this woman is venting on your son. Maybe she is a TRUE BELIEVER in public education to boot, and your son is just too convenient. I just don't see things changing because you talked to her, but I hope I'm wrong.

[Remudamom]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

Edited February 10, 2010 by Remudamom

[hmschoolmom22]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

I TOTALLY agree with this post! could not have said it better myself!

[Donna T.]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

:iagree:

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

Exactly this.

[Jen500]

I would ask during your meeting what you could do to help your son improve in the areas he needs help.

Have you asked your son if he's brought up homeschooling at all...perhaps she's responding to previous comments about how he did things differently while hs'ing.

Why bother being rude to the teacher? Maybe your kids will stay there, maybe you will homeschool again, but really nothing to gain for your kids by being confrontational.

[AnitaMcC]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

:iagree::iagree:

[KristineinKS]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

I *LOVE* this & am inclined to agree. However, the twin who wants to be at PS really loves being there & quite frankly, was not doing well at home. He thrives on the more social PS setting & actually applies himself there, whereas at home everything was a battle. He is quite extroverted & was frequently in conflict with his much more introverted siblings here, resulting in much misery all around. The disobedience/acting out at home finally wore me out, hence the decision to let him go back to PS. While I feel he'd probably be better off here academically (IF he'd actually give me the same level of effort he gives the PS), I'm not sure it's the best decision for his emotional health (truly, he was miserable at home). I don't know, I'm really conflicted about this which makes it SO hard.

 

 

I would ask during your meeting what you could do to help your son improve in the areas he needs help.

Have you asked your son if he's brought up homeschooling at all...perhaps she's responding to previous comments about how he did things differently while hs'ing. Why bother being rude to the teacher? Maybe your kids will stay there, maybe you will homeschool again, but really nothing to gain for your kids by being confrontational.

 

It's not that I *want* to be rude to the teacher, but I've really simply just had it with her & the other staff members like her, so I don't feel that talking to her is going to change anything. I've had issues like this with other staff in the past, hence the decision to homeschool. Last school year, during the election, there were inappropriate comments made about black people & my sons are bi-racial, so I was NOT going to tolerate it (this is a smallish rural school). I suspect in this case, her comments are motivated by the fact that he was homeschooled, though the boys have said they don't discuss their homeschooling there (and I believe them, because they knew how irate the office was when I withdrew the boys to homeschool!).

[AnitaMcC]

I can totally relate to the delimma of having twins and having to decide if what is best for one is best for just the one or for both. Not easy to deal with twin situation.

 

I definitely would pull my twins immediately from this teacher's classroom as first step. I would insist both twins be placed in another class or I would keep them home until the situation is resolved (I would be more inclined to keep them home permanently, but if one or both twins really wanted to go to school I would try to resolve the situation so one or both could return).

 

And because I like to hear from all sides of a story... I would meet with the teacher and principal and find out what the heck is going on that a teacher would be bullying a student (and because I am into psychology and majored in psych, I would want to understand why she bullied one twin and not the other).

 

I would consider allowing the twins to return to school... if I can make sure the bully teacher has nothing more to do with my kids and I felt sure that the kids would not be punished in any way by any of teacher/school personnel in the future.

[Luanne]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

[IsabelC]

A couple of quick thoughts.

 

1. The teacher clearly has her own issues and is letting her negative/defensive views on home schooling influence her professional judgment. It is not acceptable for her to be constantly carrying on and making references to the year of homeschooling. (The only time it would be really appropriate for her to say something like that would be if your child were arguing the point and saying he didn't want to co-operate with her reasonable instructions because he didn't have to do x in homeschool.) Although, as you have decided to send them to school, it is also incumbent upon you to ensure that you don't unintentionally undermine the teacher's authority.

 

2. Do you really want them to be in school? Would the rest of the 'variety of reasons' be adequate to send them, or would you not do it if they weren't wanting to go. I just want to put this out there as a reminder (and you should feel free to ignore!) that [drumroll please...] you don't have to follow your children's wishes regarding schooling. Of course, all things being equal, it's great to have them as partners in their education by taking their preferences into account. But as home educating families, we should not be feeling under pressure to send our children to school when they express an interest in it, if we have compelling reasons for keeping them home. How many parents of schooled children would pull their kids out of school purely because those kids express an interest in home schoooling? Very few, if any.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Hotdrink

[Jen500]

It's not that I *want* to be rude to the teacher, but I've really simply just had it with her & the other staff members like her, so I don't feel that talking to her is going to change anything. I've had issues like this with other staff in the past, hence the decision to homeschool. Last school year, during the election, there were inappropriate comments made about black people & my sons are bi-racial, so I was NOT going to tolerate it (this is a smallish rural school). I suspect in this case, her comments are motivated by the fact that he was homeschooled, though the boys have said they don't discuss their homeschooling there (and I believe them, because they knew how irate the office was when I withdrew the boys to homeschool!).

 

Oh, I didn't take from your post that you were going to be rude, i guess I was commenting more on some of the other posts.

After reading your additional info, I can just offer you a :grouphug:

[Mom0012]

I guess I would meet with the teacher, let her know your son is having a hard time adjusting (without making any critical comments about her behavior) and ask her advice on what I could do to help him. Maybe that will be enough to make her think twice about singling him out. If your other child didn't want to stay in school, I would take a much different stance.

 

If that didn't lead to improvements, I would pull the twin out who is having trouble. Not a perfect solution, but at least there is a chance she will change her behavior if you don't confront her, but rather look to her for help.

 

BTW, it would kill me to do this, but I would try for the sake of the child that wants to stay in school.

 

Lisa

[Remudamom]

We need RoughCollie, she's got trips, and one (?) of them is PS and the others are at home.

[mom2hunangirls]

I don't really know the history of why they've been in and out, so my thoughts might not make any sense, feel free to disregard.

 

From experience when I was in elementary there was a teacher that was KNOWN for being a wicked person and you really did not want to get her. She was mean. And she picked on my brother (he was 2 years ahead of me). My mom tried to confront her, although even *I* knew the teacher would eat her alive. :eek: And she did. My brother had to endure the rest of the year with her. He survived. It was hard, but wow, did the last day of school feel oh so good that year.

Then it was my turn to have her. I feared the day I entered her class. And she was horrible. Mean as a snake. Back then parents didn't insist their kids get moved to a nicer teacher. Homeschooling was unheard of. My only choice was to do whatever *I* could to keep the peace. She was still a monster, but.... I survived. And 20 years later when I worked for her clone, I wasn't quite destroyed by it. I learned from dealing with the teacher what I would use in life later.

 

All that to say... I think kids need to deal with difficult teachers/people as they come into their life. Because they will be in situations where you can't insist on a nicer person and they can't insist their boss is nicer to them. And they can't just leave every situation that's hard. A hard teacher is an easy way to learn life is like this.

I'm obviously in the minority in that I don't think we should take all the hard situations away from our kids. But I can't help but think "it's Feb, 3 or 4 more months and he'll be done. He'll have seen it through. Endured. Gained life experience even if he blows it."

 

I don't know... I just think it might be better for him to see it through and you teach him that authority should be respected even if they are mean.

[Joanne]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

:iagree:

 

11 is SO young. Bring them back home.

[Joanne]

I don't really know the history of why they've been in and out, so my thoughts might not make any sense, feel free to disregard.

 

From experience when I was in elementary there was a teacher that was KNOWN for being a wicked person and you really did not want to get her. She was mean. And she picked on my brother (he was 2 years ahead of me). My mom tried to confront her, although even *I* knew the teacher would eat her alive. :eek: And she did. My brother had to endure the rest of the year with her. He survived. It was hard, but wow, did the last day of school feel oh so good that year.

Then it was my turn to have her. I feared the day I entered her class. And she was horrible. Mean as a snake. Back then parents didn't insist their kids get moved to a nicer teacher. Homeschooling was unheard of. My only choice was to do whatever *I* could to keep the peace. She was still a monster, but.... I survived. And 20 years later when I worked for her clone, I wasn't quite destroyed by it. I learned from dealing with the teacher what I would use in life later.

 

All that to say... I think kids need to deal with difficult teachers/people as they come into their life. Because they will be in situations where you can't insist on a nicer person and they can't insist their boss is nicer to them. And they can't just leave every situation that's hard. A hard teacher is an easy way to learn life is like this.

I'm obviously in the minority in that I don't think we should take all the hard situations away from our kids. But I can't help but think "it's Feb, 3 or 4 more months and he'll be done. He'll have seen it through. Endured. Gained life experience even if he blows it."

 

I don't know... I just think it might be better for him to see it through and you teach him that authority should be respected even if they are mean.

 

I could not disagree with this more.

 

Yes, we will encounter a variety of individuals during our lifetime. I would carefully monitor, intervene and involve myself in the relationships of my minor children that have the power to effect their lifelong learning, their current education.

 

We, as adults, are (hopefully) equipped through life experience and maturity to handle a variety of people. Children are not. The decisions involved in how, when and if to persevere in relationship with a difficult person are complicated tasks. While I agree children need exposure and coaching on those issues, I don't believe in leaving them in challenging situations just so they will learn.

 

I think, at 11, they need to know that Mom and Dad won't stand being undermined and that their educational setting and emotional safety are in the hands of the parents.

[Danestress]

"Hey, I know I am only getting half a story, and I bet teachers hear some interesting stories about Moms, so here is what I am hearing, and I want you to fill me in on what I am not hearing from him." And then go in planning to really listen and to ask questions and try to hear the answers.

 

 

But tell her .... he feels like she rubs the homeschooling in his face.

[LibraryLover]

That teacher is a big dumb jerk.

 

If there isn't a way to switch them out of her class, or another school they could attend, I think you know what needs to be done.

 

She's. not. healthy.

[tex-mex]

 

1. The teacher clearly has her own issues and is letting her negative/defensive views on home schooling influence her professional judgment. It is not acceptable for her to be constantly carrying on and making references to the year of homeschooling. (The only time it would be really appropriate for her to say something like that would be if your child were arguing the point and saying he didn't want to co-operate with her reasonable instructions because he didn't have to do x in homeschool.) Although, as you have decided to send them to school, it is also incumbent upon you to ensure that you don't unintentionally undermine the teacher's authority.

 

 

 

This is what I was wondering... is there any possibility that your son COULD have said, "We did this at home..." innocently or in rebuttal to the classroom procedure and this comment really struck a nerve? Or she saw it as undermining her authority? Maybe it was said too many times and she (unfortunately) let your child have it? I would first go to the teacher and discuss the matter. It may be the case where her personality and son's personality do clash -- it is okay to request for him to be transferred to another classroom. I've seen this done before. And the child usually has a much better year as a result.

 

P.S. I used to have a saying at P/T Conference time to parents: "When your child comes home and shares how school went -- only believe half of it and call me immediately if you are concerned. And when your child shares the dirt on your marriage/parenting styles in front of the whole class -- we'll only believe half of it too and I'll call you to warn you on what was shared." :D I always had to be on my toes during show & tell time in the K-2 grades -- in case lil' Johnny shared something inappropriate. It happens.

Edited February 10, 2010 by tex-mex

[myfunnybunch]

My first instinct is "Bring him home" too.

 

If that's not an avenue you're ready to pursue yet, I would try to approach her as diplomatically as possible. You should absolutely be defending your son. It is never okay to treat a child like that.

 

Here's one thing that really stuck out to me:

Granted he IS fairly disorganized, this is something we've struggled with for years

 

It sounds as though this issue makes it difficult for him to fly under the radar in her class. I'd mention to the teacher that this particular child struggles with organization. Ask what you can do from home to help him with this issue, ask what other parents have done that's helpful, and mention some strategies that you may have tried that have been successful. With my daughter, I've found that most teachers are most receptive when you approach them with the assumption that you're both on the same team and you both want what's best for your child.

 

Then I would let this teacher know, as politely and firmly as possible, that opinions and comments about the fact that he was homeschooled are not to be brought up to your child. Regardless of her intentions, the comparisons are hurtful to him and impacting his school performance.

 

Her reactions to a reasonably-stated request and to your desire to problem-solve together will tell you volumes about whether this school is the right place for your child(ren).

 

Cat

[Lizzie in Ma]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

 

And that kind of answer is why we love you our straight shooting friend. :D

Sing it sister!

 

:iagree:

[delaney]

Wow that is uncalled for. It seems like he is punishing your DS for his own dislike of HSing. Why not cut the kid some slack and realize that he needs to adjust after not being in a large setting like that? Until you are faced with absolute ridiculous school circumstances you can't begin to appreciate HSing. I was a nay sayer until my DS ran into big issues and have totally realigned my thinking! He needs a reality check. Jerk

[KristineinKS]

To be blunt, I think you opened yourself up to this a bit with all of the in and out mid-year. You took them out last year and then put them back in now in the middle of the year. I could see that that would be kind of frustrating to a teaching staff. That is not to say that she is justified at. all. but if these were my kids I would have told them that is February and they could go back to school in the Fall.

 

If your son who is being picked on was in a different class would he be happy to stay? Is there even another class avalible for this grade level?

 

You're exactly right, and this is why I've been trying to overlook all of the other little issues we've encountered since they've been back. I feel like I've put myself (and my kids) at their mercy & don't have the right to say much. The break with the school last year was not on the best of terms, so really, I probably should have waited till next year to send them back. However, now they're back & we have to try to make the most of it somehow - or not. At least next year we'll either have A) moved to Dallas or B) they'll be at the middle school.

 

There is no other class available for this grade level because they have different teachers each period, and the teachers seem to fill-in for one another frequently. There are a couple of decent teachers that they have & 3 that have been a problem. In addition to this one, there's the math teacher who drinks obscene amounts of black coffee & is always very jittery & talking a hundred miles a minute - he doesn't explain anything, or when he does, is talking so fast no one can understand him, then the music teacher who wanted one of the boys kept out of her class because he'd been homeschooled & she thus assumed he wouldn't do well. He had to beg for a week straight to be allowed to prove himself to her.

 

From what I've heard, the comments from this teacher have come up at times when my son has been unprepared for something (ie- can't find a pencil, didn't have a library book, isn't done with a paper, etc.). So it's not that he's not academically prepared or is talking about how we do things at home - the twins were at the very top of their class last year & have always been strong students. Since returning, the only class they've been struggling with is math & for that, they have the unhelpful coffee-addicted teacher, LOL. (And really, they're not behind, but their Singapore Math did NOT prepare them for the state assessments.) I have no problem with a teacher being firm with him to keep him on track, but the comments I've heard have gone well beyond that & she is constantly dragging him into the hall to berate him.

 

I'm appreciating the feedback from everyone, I have a lot to think about before tomorrow morning!

Edited February 10, 2010 by KristineinKS

[johnandtinagilbert]

Your twins are 11. You're the mom. I'd take them both out and tell the school why. The teacher is a ***** and a bully to boot.

 

And btw, tell her "I don't know what you do in YOUR PS room, but in MY homeschool class we nuture and educate, not tear down children."

:iagree: This would be how things are done at our house.

 

I don't really know the history of why they've been in and out, so my thoughts might not make any sense, feel free to disregard.

 

From experience when I was in elementary there was a teacher that was KNOWN for being a wicked person and you really did not want to get her. She was mean. And she picked on my brother (he was 2 years ahead of me). My mom tried to confront her, although even *I* knew the teacher would eat her alive. :eek: And she did. My brother had to endure the rest of the year with her. He survived. It was hard, but wow, did the last day of school feel oh so good that year.

Then it was my turn to have her. I feared the day I entered her class. And she was horrible. Mean as a snake. Back then parents didn't insist their kids get moved to a nicer teacher. Homeschooling was unheard of. My only choice was to do whatever *I* could to keep the peace. She was still a monster, but.... I survived. And 20 years later when I worked for her clone, I wasn't quite destroyed by it. I learned from dealing with the teacher what I would use in life later.

 

All that to say... I think kids need to deal with difficult teachers/people as they come into their life. Because they will be in situations where you can't insist on a nicer person and they can't insist their boss is nicer to them. And they can't just leave every situation that's hard. A hard teacher is an easy way to learn life is like this.

I'm obviously in the minority in that I don't think we should take all the hard situations away from our kids. But I can't help but think "it's Feb, 3 or 4 more months and he'll be done. He'll have seen it through. Endured. Gained life experience even if he blows it."

 

I don't know... I just think it might be better for him to see it through and you teach him that authority should be respected even if they are mean.

Kids grow into preparedness for such situations and are not equipped at 11 to handle them; and they don't Need the Negative to learn how to handle any situation. They Need to know what's right and by identifying appropriate behavior, they will by default recognize inappropriate behavior and with wisdom (gained in time, not by 11), they'll be fine, too. I Know we turn out fine in spite of others (and ourselves), but there is no need for unnecessary strife in the life of an 11 year old.

 

"Hey, I know I am only getting half a story, and I bet teachers hear some interesting stories about Moms, so here is what I am hearing, and I want you to fill me in on what I am not hearing from him." And then go in planning to really listen and to ask questions and try to hear the answers.

 

 

But tell her .... he feels like she rubs the homeschooling in his face.

:iagree: Since you are keeping the other in school, this is probably the best approach for your family.

 

This is what I was wondering... is there any possibility that your son COULD have said, "We did this at home..." innocently or in rebuttal to the classroom procedure and this comment really struck a nerve? Or she saw it as undermining her authority? Maybe it was said too many times and she (unfortunately) let your child have it? I would first go to the teacher and discuss the matter. It may be the case where her personality and son's personality do clash -- it is okay to request for him to be transferred to another classroom. I've seen this done before. And the child usually has a much better year as a result.

 

P.S. I used to have a saying at P/T Conference time to parents: "When your child comes home and shares how school went -- only believe half of it and call me immediately if you are concerned. And when your child shares the dirt on your marriage/parenting styles in front of the whole class -- we'll only believe half of it too and I'll call you to warn you on what was shared." :D I always had to be on my toes during show & tell time in the K-2 grades -- in case lil' Johnny shared something inappropriate. It happens.

I was thinking this also. I LOVE the show and tell line to the parents. That's a great one!

 

You're exactly right, and this is why I've been trying to overlook all of the other little issues we've encountered since they've been back. I feel like I've put myself (and my kids) at their mercy & don't have the right to say much. The break with the school last year was not on the best of terms, so really, I probably should have waited till next year to send them back. However, now they're back & we have to try to make the most of it somehow - or not. At least next year we'll either have A) moved to Dallas or B) they'll be at the middle school.

 

There is no other class available for this grade level because they have different teachers each period, and the teachers seem to fill-in for one another frequently. There are a couple of decent teachers that they have & 3 that have been a problem. In addition to this one, there's the math teacher who drinks obscene amounts of black coffee & is always very jittery & talking a hundred miles a minute - he doesn't explain anything, or when he does, is talking so fast no one can understand him, then the music teacher who wanted one of the boys kept out of her class because he'd been homeschooled & she thus assumed he wouldn't do well. He had to beg for a week straight to be allowed to prove himself to her.

 

From what I've heard, the comments from this teacher have come up at times when my son has been unprepared for something (ie- can't find a pencil, didn't have a library book, isn't done with a paper, etc.). So it's not that he's not academically prepared or is talking about how we do things at home - the twins were at the very top of their class last year & have always been strong students. Since returning, the only class they've been struggling with is math & for that, they have the unhelpful coffee-addicted teacher, LOL. (And really, they're not behind, but their Singapore Math did NOT prepare them for the state assessments.) I have no problem with a teacher being firm with him to keep him on track, but the comments I've heard have gone well beyond that & she is constantly dragging him into the hall to berate him.

 

I'm appreciating the feedback from everyone, I have a lot to think about before tomorrow morning!

The entire environment sounds hostile. The problem for the wtm-ers is we don't know the environment before all the pulling, replacing began. Either way, retribution or plain dislike does NOT make it okay for the music teacher to behave as such, nor does it permit the constant hammering of your son.

 

Add the math teacher to the mix, and honestly, I just couldn't leave either of them there. Find another social outlet for your son.

[angela in ohio]

"Hey, I know I am only getting half a story, and I bet teachers hear some interesting stories about Moms, so here is what I am hearing, and I want you to fill me in on what I am not hearing from him." And then go in planning to really listen and to ask questions and try to hear the answers.

 

This is what I was wondering... is there any possibility that your son COULD have said, "We did this at home..." innocently or in rebuttal to the classroom procedure and this comment really struck a nerve? Or she saw it as undermining her authority? Maybe it was said too many times and she (unfortunately) let your child have it? I would first go to the teacher and discuss the matter.

 

:iagree: I would go in seeking information and not firing. :001_smile:

[Ferdie]

"Hey, I know I am only getting half a story, and I bet teachers hear some interesting stories about Moms, so here is what I am hearing, and I want you to fill me in on what I am not hearing from him." And then go in planning to really listen and to ask questions and try to hear the answers.

 

 

But tell her .... he feels like she rubs the homeschooling in his face.

 

:iagree: There are two sides to every story and you need to meet with the teacher to find out what is going on from her POV. Maybe your son really does have some things to work on or maybe the teacher really is being unfair. I sounds like you need to meet with the teacher before you can make that determination.

[Sahamamama]

Granted he IS fairly disorganized, this is something we've struggled with for years.

 

How is this unusual for an 11 year old boy? :confused:

 

I would be livid. Just my 2 cents.

[Sahamamama]

They are in different classes, but both of them have this teacher at various times during the day. I would not have to give anyone a reason for withdrawing him, though I'm sure they'll ask. Quite frankly, I don't even want to meet her at this point, I've heard more than enough to know that I'm going to have a hard time facing her & remaining pleasant. Especially knowing that one of the twins will remain in her classes.

 

If you bring the "picked-on" son home, what's to stop this teacher from transferring her anti-homeschooling animosity onto your other son?

[bettyandbob]

We homeschooled and then did private school. Both children came home when the oldest was bullied and an administrator basically told us he didn't have a problem with oldest being bullied. People wondered why I removed both children when my middle child was doing very well.

 

I wouldn't leave one child in an environment where bullying is allowed, just because that child isn't getting the affects directly. The environment is teaching all children that this is acceptable behavior. I won't have my children learning that.

[Sahamamama]

My sons are bi-racial.

 

Are your twins fraternal? Is one lighter-skinned than the other? I'm only asking because I remember reading about an African-American mother who began to homeschool her twins when the teachers gave preferential treatment to her lighter-skinned son. Could this be what's happening at school with your boys? I know it sounds unbelievable, but it might be at the heart of the matter. It's something to consider. Could the teacher's hostility toward your son be related to him being biracial? Maybe she doesn't "believe" in "being biracial," if you KWIM? :grouphug:

Edited February 10, 2010 by Sahamamama

[Sahamamama]

I can't help but think "it's Feb, 3 or 4 more months and he'll be done. He'll have seen it through. Endured. Gained life experience even if he blows it." I don't know... I just think it might be better for him to see it through and you teach him that authority should be respected even if they are mean.

 

 

Or, his spirit will be crushed by then. :crying: But he will have learned to cringe under the injustice of a tyrannical "teacher." :confused:

[Sahamamama]

I could not disagree with this more.

 

Yes, we will encounter a variety of individuals during our lifetime. I would carefully monitor, intervene and involve myself in the relationships of my minor children that have the power to effect their lifelong learning, their current education.

 

We, as adults, are (hopefully) equipped through life experience and maturity to handle a variety of people. Children are not. The decisions involved in how, when and if to persevere in relationship with a difficult person are complicated tasks. While I agree children need exposure and coaching on those issues, I don't believe in leaving them in challenging situations just so they will learn.

 

I think, at 11, they need to know that Mom and Dad won't stand being undermined and that their educational setting and emotional safety are in the hands of the parents.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Sahamamama]

I don't really know the history of why they've been in and out, so my thoughts might not make any sense, feel free to disregard.

 

From experience when I was in elementary there was a teacher that was KNOWN for being a wicked person and you really did not want to get her. She was mean. And she picked on my brother (he was 2 years ahead of me). My mom tried to confront her, although even *I* knew the teacher would eat her alive. :eek: And she did. My brother had to endure the rest of the year with her. He survived. It was hard, but wow, did the last day of school feel oh so good that year.

Then it was my turn to have her. I feared the day I entered her class. And she was horrible. Mean as a snake. Back then parents didn't insist their kids get moved to a nicer teacher. Homeschooling was unheard of. My only choice was to do whatever *I* could to keep the peace. She was still a monster, but.... I survived. And 20 years later when I worked for her clone, I wasn't quite destroyed by it. I learned from dealing with the teacher what I would use in life later.

 

All that to say... I think kids need to deal with difficult teachers/people as they come into their life. Because they will be in situations where you can't insist on a nicer person and they can't insist their boss is nicer to them. And they can't just leave every situation that's hard. A hard teacher is an easy way to learn life is like this.

I'm obviously in the minority in that I don't think we should take all the hard situations away from our kids. But I can't help but think "it's Feb, 3 or 4 more months and he'll be done. He'll have seen it through. Endured. Gained life experience even if he blows it."

 

I don't know... I just think it might be better for him to see it through and you teach him that authority should be respected even if they are mean.

 

 

But adults DO have options, and this is where it differs. How does a CHILD have a "Grievance Procedure" at school? How does a CHILD have options for pursuing a different "job" -- that is, another classroom setting?

 

As adults, we do have to become toughened to the harsh realities of life and the working world, but as children we are less equipped to handle tyranny. This is why despots all over the world recruit child soldiers, child slaves, and child prostitutes -- because children ARE so vulnerable, so easily controlled by fear/deprivation/abuse, and because they don't fight back in the way adults who have known freedom do.

 

I want my children to live in freedom -- freedom from the fear you experienced and described as being the ideal training ground for life. But what kind of life? A life of learned helplessness? A life in which the child's heart and mind are subjugated to learning how to cringe and cope?

 

No thanks.

[AnitaMcC]

But adults DO have options, and this is where it differs. How does a CHILD have a "Grievance Procedure" at school? How does a CHILD have options for pursuing a different "job" -- that is, another classroom setting?

 

As adults, we do have to become toughened to the harsh realities of life and the working world, but as children we are less equipped to handle tyranny. This is why despots all over the world recruit child soldiers, child slaves, and child prostitutes -- because children ARE so vulnerable, so easily controlled by fear/deprivation/abuse, and because they don't fight back in the way adults who have known freedom do.

 

I want my children to live in freedom -- freedom from the fear you experienced and described as being the ideal training ground for life. But what kind of life? A life of learned helplessness? A life in which the child's heart and mind are subjugated to learning how to cringe and cope?

 

No thanks.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

We have raised our kids to not tolerate any bully including adults. We have taught them that they can respectfully remove themselves from adults who are mistreating them.

 

If DCFS witnessed parents treating kids the way some teachers treat students.... DCFS would be pulling the kids from the home. So why on Earth is it okay for kids to be in the school environement being bullied but that same environment situation at home would be abuse and grounds for the gov't to take the kids???????

[Anne in CA]

I would like to add a little something to think about here, because one reason I home school is that I don't want my kids to be "worker ants" who put up with things to keep a job.

 

My dh has a coworker who is mean as a snake. He is 6'6" and has a huge build. He thinks he is the smartest person in every room and starts every meeting by telling everyone in the room that he is doing great, but they suck. The people who work directly under him never receive credit for their hard work, and he vents on them at will. Dh says the woman who works for him has tears in her eyes every day.

 

Why do they stay??? I know the economy is bad but come on. They learned to stay like little lab rats when they dealt with teachers and bullies in the ps system, I am sure.

[samba2nite]

My two cents as a mom to two sets of two...meet with the teacher and let her know that you want to work with her as a team. Your sons want to be in public school and you need her help to transisition your son. Yes he was homeschooled and that for the one son it question it might be the best for his learning style, but that he has requested to be at the PS and now you want to support him and not damage his love for learning. I know a lot of PS teachers get yippy skippy about home schooling but that is HER issue to deal with and if you approach her as a "team" to help teach your son it may disarm her negativity or prejudgement.

 

Just my two cents...:lurk5:

[Dobela]

To be blunt, I think you opened yourself up to this a bit with all of the in and out mid-year. You took them out last year and then put them back in now in the middle of the year. I could see that that would be kind of frustrating to a teaching staff. That is not to say that she is justified at. all. but if these were my kids I would have told them that is February and they could go back to school in the Fall.

 

Putting children in a mid year or taking them out mid year should not be an issue. In most school districts teachers deal with this all the time as families move in and out of the district. They apparently didn't return to the same classrooms so the decisions of the previous year shouldn't make the staff frustrated by their return. And, if they are frustrated, they shouldn't take it out on the kids who have the least power.

[delaney]

How is this unusual for an 11 year old boy? :confused:

 

I would be livid. Just my 2 cents.

Amen! Doesn't change much for 14 year olds either!

[KristineinKS]

Are your twins fraternal? Is one lighter-skinned than the other? I'm only asking because I remember reading about an African-American mother who began to homeschool her twins when the teachers gave preferential treatment to her lighter-skinned son. Could this be what's happening at school with your boys? I know it sounds unbelievable, but it might be at the heart of the matter. It's something to consider. Could the teacher's hostility toward your son be related to him being biracial? Maybe she doesn't "believe" in "being biracial," if you KWIM? :grouphug:

 

In this district, it absolutely could have something to do with him being bi-racial, however, the boys are identical & have the same coloring.

 

If you bring the "picked-on" son home, what's to stop this teacher from transferring her anti-homeschooling animosity onto your other son?

 

*Very* good point! I'm not even entirely sure she's not picking on the other twin because he has complained about her at various times (though mostly about her fondness for lying to other teachers about her class & her constant embellishment of stories about students - adding new details each time she mentions something). However, he's then very quick to catch himself & assure me there's no problem because he doesn't want me saying anything to the school. That said, if there were truly *no* problem, why would he be SO fearful of me bringing anything up to her? He's told me flat out that she'll be mean to him if I do.

 

How is this unusual for an 11 year old boy? :confused:

 

I suppose it's not, but this twin has always been pretty "scatterbrained" & sometimes in really silly ways. It *can* be very frustrating to deal with, I'm aware, but that doesn't excuse her by any means.

[mom2hunangirls]

Oh please don't think I'm saying I think a child should be left in dangerous situation or even left to suffer any sort of abuse. And I am not saying tell him to cower and take it.

But I was only responding to what I read here and it sounds like there are 2 sides to the story. That maybe, innocently enough, he's throwing in her face what you let him do when he was homeschooled. (not that he is maliciously doing it, but perhaps that's how it feels)

Is he disrupting class when he's not prepared?

He's an 11 yr old boy, they are goofy creatures.

You even said he was difficult to school at home and he's just gotten back into a setting he didn't want...do you believe that he's not at all difficult right now?

Please, please, PLEASE hear me when I say I no more think the teacher is right than I believe any child deserves being treated badly at school.

But I think it's only fair to hear the teacher's account, with an open mind.

Work together to find a way to hold your son accountable while not killing his spirit.

And I absolutely believe you should report her if she's that out of line.

 

To the others that think I'm condoning bullying...no, I most definitely am not. I'm not advocating a hands-off approach with our kids. No way. I am just saying, in this situation given what I read, it sounded like she might not have the whole story. AGAIN, I am not saying it's right for the teacher to do anything...but I guess that "yes, you seem to be over-reacting before you've heard everything and tried to positively change the situation."

 

I know how it feels to be a mom and see something happening to our kids. But I've been on the over-reacting end too and I am thankful I had someone give perspective before I dealt with it.

[kewb]

Has your disorganized twin been tested for a learning disability. If this is something you have struggled through the years it may be a symptom of a larger issue.

 

As for the teacher, I would go on a fact finding mission. It is quite possible you are only getting 1/2 the story because your child is, after all, 11. They leave stuff out that they may not think is important and it is.

[Guest janainaz]

First, I would meet with the teacher(s) one-on-one and have a real heartfelt conversation. Make an effort to learn more about the teachers and have them learn more about your child and your family. It's far more difficult for a teacher to behave unkindly when she's gotten to know you and your child a little better. I would also make sure that my child learned a lifelong lesson that he/she can't take others poor behavior or unloving actions personally. Yes, it is upsetting and uncomfortable and not ok to be treated disrespectfully - even by an adult. However, getting the message into the hearts of your kids that people are flawed and what motivates their bad-behavior is something that comes from deep within them. Even a child can learn to understand this because it's something that comes straight from the heart. I'd rather my child learn to express their feelings to someone rather than go home upset and offended. In your case, I'd bring my child in and let him explain to the teacher that her words and tone brought about x,y,z emotion and take it right to the heart of the issue.

 

It does not sound like the best idea to put your kids in school and take them out due to circumstances that involve learning to deal with difficult people. Bullying is not ok - I'm not saying it should not be addressed. It should. But removing your child from ps due to a rude teacher does not send the best message. Your kids will, more than likely, be subjected to rude people, rude bosses, you name it all through their lives. Teach them HOW to handle the poor behavior of others.

[KristineinKS]

I decided to take the "fact finding" approach this morning & set about meeting with the teachers. This is what I learned. They have 3 teachers for most of the day - 1) the math teacher whom I've already written about, 2) a really wonderful teacher whom my older son has also had & is great and 3) the "problem" teacher who has been picking on one of the twins. Teacher #2 inadvertently confirmed everything I've heard about the other two & indicated that perhaps Teacher #3's problem lies in her expectations of her students.

 

Unfortunately, I only had about 2 minutes with the problem teacher, but she started off rather poorly. She had written me a not-very-nice note about the twins & appears to have a very definite problem with BOTH of them; her attitude toward me confirmed this. The explanations she gave me do not match up with what I'm hearing from the boys or their other teacher, so it appears that for whatever reason, she simply doesn't like them. I'm not sure what can be done about that because they've never ever had a teacher not like them. There doesn't appear to be any working with her either, which is rather frustrating.

[KristineinKS]

Is he disrupting class when he's not prepared?

He's an 11 yr old boy, they are goofy creatures.

You even said he was difficult to school at home and he's just gotten back into a setting he didn't want...do you believe that he's not at all difficult right now?

 

 

No, he's not disrupting class. According to what she told me, all they're doing in her class now is playing games in groups to prepare for state assessments (so there's a lot of commotion & noise anyway) - that's it! I was a bit shocked by that, but she is the one making a big deal out of him not being prepared. For example, one day when he couldn't find a pencil, SHE stopped class & dragged him out in the hall, rather than letting him get a pencil & moving on. It's slightly ridiculous.

 

Also, I have always, ALWAYS been told what a joy the boys are in the classroom, they're well-behaved, good kids & teachers have always raved about this & praised them. In PS, they work very hard to please & be at the top of their class. Just because they're difficult for *me* does not mean that they've ever been difficult at school. That's why the problems with this teacher come as such a shock!