WHAT do I do?!?!

[BakersDozen]

I posted a long time ago about my mother who came to visit and was useless...slept all morning, went out for coffee, disappeared when she was needed most, etc. I confronted her on it, she agreed that she was selfish, apologized, etc. Tonight I got a call from her. She's going for a week to CA to take care of my brother's 1yod who is a whirlwind of activity. I've had 8 1yos and can honestly say I've not had one like this kid...hyperactive is putting it mildly. So my mom finds it difficult to keep up with her and is asking if my 13yodd can go to CA to help my mom.

 

I'm in bed 24/7 getting up only to use the bathroom or stumble to the couch and try to escape my "sick cave". My mom knows how sick I am and did not offer to come help. Now she wants to take my oldest dd away from me?! I told her that my dc are carrying the household during the day so taking one away would put extra burden on the others. My mom's response was that she wants the time w/my dd to work on issues my dd has had such as self-discipline and motivation. I assured her that we dealt with those issues months ago and things are fine. Her response was that she wants my dd out in CA with her and would then like to take dd back to NM with her for a time (a couple weeks).

 

My oldest dd is the darling in my mom's eyes who can do no wrong. This invitation would never be extended to my other dc who are every bit as responsible (actually, they are far more responsible than my 13yod) because my mom doesn't enjoy being with them as much. I am very angry both at the fact that my mom wouldn't think of helping me and wants to take away what help I have.

 

WWYD? Before responding please understand that I am not bringing the "Honor your father and mother" into this because in my eyes I am honoring my mom by not letting loose verbally on her and telling her what I really think; I'm biting my tongue and responding graciously and lovingly. That is honor enough.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

in a million years.

 

I am going for concise here. I think your post explains why well enough.

 

Feel supported in your choice to keep her home.

[MamaAkins]

I would not allow my dd to go with her. PERIOD. End of story. No guilt, no more discussion, nada.

[OrganicAnn]

No no no. I would not let her go. Your mom wants someone to do the work for her so she won't have to be responsible for the 1 yo.

 

You know if she were like my mom, she would be honest and admit that she can't handle a one year old and can only go out and help if someone else would go with her. But the fact that she is making up various excuses to try to get your DD to go with her, would not sit well with me.

Edited January 15, 2010 by OrganicAnn

[jujsky]

I wouldn't let her go. If you need her at home, you need her at home. I'm sorry your mom is so selfish. If she's as lazy as you say, she will probably put your DD in charge of caring for her 1 year-old cousin anyway.

[Kathleen in VA]

No way would I let her go if she were mine. Considering how selfish your mother appears to be I would not feel at all certain that your daughter would be treated well while in CA. Nope, no way would I let her go. I wouldn't feel at all obligated to explain why either. I'd just say no.

[jenL]

This is a tough one. It sounds as if your mom is very demanding - I'm sorry for that. I hope what I'm about to say doesn't sound too harsh. After reading your post from before, it sounds like you need to set up some boundaries with your mom, especially now.

 

Since your dd is yours, I would just plain out say, "I'm sorry, Mom, but right now is not a good time to take dd away. Let's set up a visit for the both of you at another time." Be firm, but caring. If she persists, repeat it. If she continues, firmly say, "Mom, my decision has been made. Thank you for the offer." Get off the phone at that point if that is what has to be done. Becoming defensive, making excuses, allowing her to force you to have to explain yourself over and over again allows her to have the upper hand, and she can continue the manipulation. Stand your ground.

 

She may be angry with you so you need to be prepared for that, but you need to take care of you and your family. Your dd is not responsible for your brother's child. If your mom offered to go help him, then that is her responsiblity. She should have thought about it carefully before offering that to him.

 

I understand your situation more than I want to and setting up boundaries for myself and my family was one of the best things I've ever done. If it's done in love, no one can argue your intentions. Wishing you the best... :grouphug:

[JVA]

Your mother is showing you great disrespect by not sympathizing and acknowledging your situation. She is focused only on pleasing herself. We have a flaming narcissist in our extended family (sil) so excuse me if I'm somewhat jaded.

You are pregnant, not feeling well and deserve to have whatever you need around YOU to ease your condition.

Your mother SHOULD offer to come help, not beg to take your daughter away and be sympathetic.

Do NOT feel guilty about not letting your dd go.

Have you read the Boundaries books? It might be helpful. Please try not to feel badly. And yes, you are honoring her by not tellling her what she needs to hear- to grow up and be a mother!

[tex-mex]

in a million years.

 

I am going for concise here. I think your post explains why well enough.

 

Feel supported in your choice to keep her home.

 

:iagree: She is not able to go... simple and sends the message home.

[lllll]

Also, have you considered that if you were to send her, the child you get back may not be the child you sent? Your dd is still very susceptible to outside influences.

[Daisy]

Just say no. You don't have to give her an explanation. I wouldn't give her an explanation since she is just going to knock it down.

[Cammie]

:iagree: The answer is no, she is not able to go. You can say "I am sorry mom but I am really depending on DD right now to help me through this very diffuclt time. It would be impossible for me to manage without her as she is really growing up and learning to take on more responsibility right now. Thank you for the invitation and hopefully next year we will be able to say yes.

[KidsHappen]

Oh good grief honey, no way in heck I would let me oldest go in that situation. Just say no. :grouphug:

[Sophia]

Wow...I think I would have started laughing when she asked me if dd could go...then emphatically said "no way!"

 

And I do get what you are saying that honoring your mother means being gracious at this point, and I totally agree with you.

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

that it's not DD's job to take weeks off from school in order to care for her cousin and work on perceived character issues, that she is in school (at home), that she is with her family where she belongs, and that your mother will have to decide on her own whether she is up for babysitting a grandchild, but that you are not going to send DD. End of story.

 

I would downplay the amount of help that you are needing from DD and just make it clear that I wasn't really prepared to send a middle school aged student away for weeks in the middle of a school year. If you are on vacation from school because of your illness, I would tell Mom that you really want to let DD enjoy her time off with her siblings and friends.

 

But I would say that in about 3 sentences and then refuse to discuss it further.

[kalanamak]

Mom needs tough love.

[RoughCollie]

I would not let her go.

[Starr]

I wouldn't say "maybe next year". I don't think she's doing this any time soon. I would worry about how much responsibility would be on her with a lively little one that she doesn't know that well. "Sorry Mom. It won't work out."

[Kanga]

Your mother sounds very similiar to mine and I would absolutely never put one of my children in her care!

 

I say to my mom, "I am sorry, but that will not work for us" as many times as I need to before politely saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. If necessary I let my best friend, the answering machine, answer the phone.

[Sonshine]

No way, No how

[Caraway]

Nope!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Another one just saying "No." You don't have to engage in further explanations or arguments. You've already explained things to her. She just doesn't want to hear or respect what you have to say. If she tries to get you to do so, just be silent and then tell her you need to hang up now. Then quietly hang up.

[mom to 3 boys & 1 girl]

Another vote for no way! I'm sorry you are having to deal with this right now. :grouphug:

[BakersDozen]

Thank you, ladies. I hate that I second guess things with my mom and am glad for the reassurances that saying "no" is the right thing to do. Dh and I were talking about this and we realized my mom is itching to get her hands on my 13yod to "improve" her; she sees it as her duty as a grandmother to "fix" my kids.

[FriedClams]

I APOLOGIZE!!!

 

My last answer was so ridiculous. Wow. I totally misread the question. No - keep her home. Get feeling better.

Edited January 15, 2010 by Kayaking Mom

[teamturner]

Doesn't your dd need to be home to do her school? What about outside activites that she would miss? I don't think you need to offer any explanation. She needs to be at home. Leave it at that.

[Harriet Vane]

Another no here.

 

It looks like your dd would be doing a lot of work, and being under microscopic scrutiny for character issues, and missing school. Nothing about this sounds good to me.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

The only thing that I might add is that you might want to mention in your next phone call to your brother that your mom had invited your daughter to join her but that it just wasn't going to work out. You can be as detailed as you want about why, depending on your relationship with db. But I would imagine that it might be very easy for a person like you have described your mom to blame you for why she is not going to be able to go take care of the 1 yo. You might want to take a short circuit around that bit of gossip and blaming.

[Thea]

From what you've said? NO.

[WiseOwlKnits]

I would say no and I wouldn't feel bad about it for a second.

[ConnieB]

A very wise Pastor once reminded me that I now have my OWN family....and while I should still strive to respect and honor my parents that my responsibility is to the family that God has put in my home for me to care for.....my husband and children. Cleave onto and all that.

 

Since you need your daughter there to help care for your household while you are unable, I would politely decline the invite and suggest that this bonding time between gd and gm take place at a time when it will work better for the rest of gd's family.

 

 

Now that would be my polite answer (with the striving to respect/honor) if GM's true motivation was simply to bond with GD....because now is NOT a good time............but honestly, knowing her true reasons, I'd be saying no even if "I" was feeling well enough to take care of my family without dd....because I would have some serious reservations about a GM who doesn't respect MY ability to parent. Since you obviously disagree that DD has "issues" I'm have some concerns about allowing GM to "work on them". Oh and then throw is the strong suspicion that the real motivation is to have a helping hand with the youngster she's volunteered to take care of, and well, No No No would probably be my response, lol. NO. Had she come out and been honest "I could really use GD's help with the wild child" I might have spent some time considering whether I could do without DD for a while. Dishonesty is not rewarded in my home.

 

And when GM throws up objections, I'd ask her how she expects to have quality time with DD while taking care of the whirling dervish she's supposedly in California to care for! If time with GM is something DD wants and the "issues" issue doesn't bother you, then I'd suggest that AFTER GM returns from California would be a good time for DD to join her in NM. When they could have time together.

[HeatherM2]

I haven't read all the replies, but I don't believe honoring your parents (as an adult) means doing everything they want you to do. I would not let my 13 year old go if I needed her at home. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

I would say no and I wouldn't feel bad about it for a second.

 

:iagree:

[kpupg]

WWYD?

 

Just say no.

 

Don't explain.

 

Don't apologize. Well, you can say something like "I'm sorry, it's just not going to work for us right now." But that's not really an apology, iykwim.

 

Just say no.

 

:grouphug:

Edited January 15, 2010 by kpupg

[Aubrey]

Not only everything that everyone's said so far, but what happens when you have to go. get. dd? Because that's very possible. If you're flat-on-your-back sick, that's the last thing you need to deal w/.

 

And from what you've described of your mom, I'd want any visits w/ my dc to be w/in arm's reach. Give or take a little, but not a lot.

[jazzyfizzle]

Your mother is showing you great disrespect by not sympathizing and acknowledging your situation. She is focused only on pleasing herself. We have a flaming narcissist in our extended family (sil) so excuse me if I'm somewhat jaded.

You are pregnant, not feeling well and deserve to have whatever you need around YOU to ease your condition.

Your mother SHOULD offer to come help, not beg to take your daughter away and be sympathetic.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[HayesW]

I agreewith other previous posters. No explanation is necessary. "No, Mom, Eldest DD will not be able to accompany on your trip. I hope you have a lovely time with Wild Niece."

[gardening momma]

Dh and I were talking about this and we realized my mom is itching to get her hands on my 13yod to "improve" her; she sees it as her duty as a grandmother to "fix" my kids.

It's not her job--it's yours. Attempts to "improve" or "fix" your children are interference. I've had to deal with this to some degree with my MIL.

[PollyOR]

Supporting you in saying "No!" :grouphug:

[BakersDozen]

Update: She emailed me this morning begging me to reconsider, that this exxperience would be good for my dd. grrrrrrrrrrrr Biting my tongue, biting my tongue...

[MeganW]

 

Since your dd is yours, I would just plain out say, "I'm sorry, Mom, but right now is not a good time to take dd away. Let's set up a visit for the both of you at another time." Be firm, but caring. If she persists, repeat it. If she continues, firmly say, "Mom, my decision has been made. Thank you for the offer." Get off the phone at that point if that is what has to be done. Becoming defensive, making excuses, allowing her to force you to have to explain yourself over and over again allows her to have the upper hand, and she can continue the manipulation. Stand your ground.

:grouphug:

 

Great advice!!! DO NOT try to convince your mom that your DD shouldn't go - it implies that the decision is up for debate. Just say no kindly but firmly. "I am so sorry, but DD is not going to be able to go this time." Repeat ad naseum.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Update: She emailed me this morning begging me to reconsider, that this exxperience would be good for my dd. grrrrrrrrrrrr Biting my tongue, biting my tongue...

 

Just say no. Or don't say anything. Remember - she can't forcibly take your dd from you. You are in control. Be strong. You are WOMAN!!!!

[MeganW]

Update: She emailed me this morning begging me to reconsider, that this exxperience would be good for my dd. grrrrrrrrrrrr Biting my tongue, biting my tongue...

 

Your God-given primary responsibility is to your immediate family, not your mother.

 

Your mom made a bad decision in taking on more responsibility than she could handle, and it is her problem to figure out what to do about it.

 

I would be very uncomfortable with grandma thinking she could jump in and psychologically "fix" my child. If whatever her issues are are easy enough to fix in a week, you would have already done it, right?

[christine in al]

Consider talking with db, to keep down triangulation in the family. mom playing sibs against each other.

you know your situation, but if it makes sense, talk directly to db, about how it just doesn't work for her to come .

 

As for mom. You don't even have to answer the email. You have already answered the question. Email her seperately about something pleasant, but just refuse to talk about that issue anymore.

 

Find a mantra that works for you and just repeat it again and again and again every time she haranges you.

" Mom, This just won't work for us"

" Thank you for the invitation, but no"

" She can not go"

 

good luck, this is a clear boundary issue. SHE's the one violating the boundaries.

 

The bad news is, you will get to set this boundary again, the good news is , the better you do this time, the easier ( for you both) next time. Until you have lovingly taught her to not invade your life in hurtful ways.

 

~Christine

[BakersDozen]

The hard thing is that I so want to address the "fixing my dd's issues" thing with her! My mom takes it upon herself to do things she feels will help my dc. One time she felt sorry that they had to be together all day long so without my knowing she divided up our backyard so they each had a separate hiding place that no one else could go in. What resulted was a nasty fight over playtoys as my dc set up their spots, the younger dc were upset at being left out...it was ugly. My mom justified it by saying that if they were in ps they wouldn't have to be with each other all day. Um, I know that, Mom! That's one reason why we HS!!!

[TammyinTN]

No thankyouverymuch! End of story. :grouphug:

[melissel]

The hard thing is that I so want to address the "fixing my dd's issues" thing with her! My mom takes it upon herself to do things she feels will help my dc. One time she felt sorry that they had to be together all day long so without my knowing she divided up our backyard so they each had a separate hiding place that no one else could go in. What resulted was a nasty fight over playtoys as my dc set up their spots, the younger dc were upset at being left out...it was ugly. My mom justified it by saying that if they were in ps they wouldn't have to be with each other all day. Um, I know that, Mom! That's one reason why we HS!!!

 

I think you should stop overthinking this. Just keep saying no. Be an impenetrable wall. You know what she's trying to do and why. She can't be allowed to do it. Just no.

 

Also, frankly, I'd consider warning my brother about her as well. I would be terrified to leave a whirlwind 1-year-old in the care of someone who may very well not be paying the attention she needs to pay to that kind of child.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MeganW]

The hard thing is that I so want to address the "fixing my dd's issues" thing with her! My mom takes it upon herself to do things she feels will help my dc. One time she felt sorry that they had to be together all day long so without my knowing she divided up our backyard so they each had a separate hiding place that no one else could go in. What resulted was a nasty fight over playtoys as my dc set up their spots, the younger dc were upset at being left out...it was ugly. My mom justified it by saying that if they were in ps they wouldn't have to be with each other all day. Um, I know that, Mom! That's one reason why we HS!!!

 

My MIL used to make those bad decisions. Then I stopped allowing her to be in charge. Ever. She is welcome to come and be a grandma and visit as much as she wants. But I do not EVER leave her with my kids. Not even for a minute. Not even during naptime. Ever.

 

Not that she has ever done anything terrible, unless you count teaching 4 month old triplets that if they cry for a second when you put them down in their cribs they can sleep in a lap instead, or better yet, just not sleep at all. My MIL has learned that *I* am the ultimate authority w/r/t my kids, and is now VERY accomodating! She has been trying to earn my trust back for 4 years now. (I might trust her more if I didn't catch her giving an entire humoungous 2 pound bag of M&Ms to my 6 year old niece (whose mother is a nutritionist) over Christmas.) I have never been anything but totally kind about it, but I have firmly staked my territory. "You just enjoy being their Grandma - I'll deal with the everyday stuff!" These are my kids. I OWE it to them to protect them from what I feel are less than ideal situations.

 

I digress. If your mother does things that cause you issues, you need to just not give her ANY authority over your kids.

 

I definitely would NOT address this with her now, no sense in adding to the fire. Get past your current hurdle. After this one has blown over, the next time she brings it up, I would just say "thanks for your concern. We are addressing DD's issues and would prefer to handle it ourselves."

[Josie]

Life is too short to have to explain all of your decisions to your mother. Just say no and ask for the bean dip! Oh, and if she doesn't want to pass the bean dip you can just hang up. LOL

[ciyates]

Delete the email or have your DH respond. I have found that my manipulative mother doesn't try and pull half the stuff with my DH as she does me. I absolutely agree with everyone else No is the answer and don't get pulled into a discussion.