sassenach Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I do not think I am going to make it. My previously amazing 12yo is becoming down right unbearable. She lives as if the whole world is against her. Every request gets a sharp reply, every innocent comment (from myself or her siblings) gets a snappy response. It's not always in what she says, but her tone is undeniable. She wants to go back to public school. Her going back for highschool has been the plan for awhile, but I am seriously considering just sending her back now. We always wanted our kids to be home through the middle school years, because of how socially brutal they are. We have great public schools (academically) and frankly, if she's going to be this horrible to us, I'd almost rather just send her on her way. That sounds awful, but I'm starting to wonder why I'm fighting to spare her the nastiness if she's just going to heap it onto us. The other thing that scares the crud out of me is that this child has always been so easy! So much easier than my youngest 2. I'm terrified that this is the easy version of a 12yo and the other 2 are going to kill me. Also, my burning question, does this get better? I really didn't expect the whole martyrdom of teenagehood to kick in until, I don't know, 14 or 15. So can a horrible 12yo become a more bearable 15yo? I am feeling just so defeated right now. I really don't know WHY I am homeschooling her. I am clearly making her miserable, and she is starting to return the favor. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 My girls are 22 and 20 now...and they apologized a lot in the last year or so for how mean they were to me. From 13 on, it was hard until they finished school. But, upon getting out and really living an adult life and making it on their own their perspective has done a 360. They see mom and dad really loved them and made them do what was right and work hard because we believed in them and knew they were capable of excellent work. All I really can say is hang in there, it's worth all the hardwork! Hugs!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 My 12yo dd was unbearable for a while before she finally had her first period. After that, she was back to her normal self. It was really bad for a while. I had already gone through the puberty thing with three boys and thought I had it down until my first dd got there. It was SO different and so much harder. Stick to your guns and do not let her be disrespectful to you. It is so easy to cave when you feel like all your interaction is negative. I felt like I was living in a war zone for a while with her. She finally got it that when she mouthed off, she was going to suffer for it. It helped some, but like I said earlier, did not really resolve until she finally hit puberty. Chalk it up to hormornes. My advice would be to give her some extra time with you just to talk, and then be firm when she crosses the line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Shannon, I don't know if you'll want to hear this... My dsd is 15 now. She was the easiest, sweetest, most compliant little girl. Until about 11. Now she hates her mom and her dad, and pretty much everything else in the world. She's snappy to her little brothers, and is pretty much in a funk all the time. And she has always been in ps. She and I get along great, but mainly, I think, because I don't really have to 'parent' her. So, my opinion is that your dd would be this way regardless of ps/hs. But what do I know; nothing, really. Just ask my dsd. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I've found my easiest child to be my hardest teen. I think some of it has to do with the fact that she was so compliant and helpful. I grew to expect it from her. My hardest child has been, by far, my easiest teen. She and I fought our battles when she was small. I had already done a lot of letting go with her. With all of my kids, it has gotten easier as the hormones have leveled. Also, as I have given in and let them go some. It also helped when I realized that a little of the struggle has come from my side of the fence. Those first years, imho, are the hardest.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 My 16-year old dd was touchy/grumpy/emotional at that age. We managed the behavior with a lot of "Love and Logic" parenting while it was going on. For dd, the behavior stopped when she started having regular periods. So, if your dd hasn't started her period (or hasn't had regular periods for at least a year), you may find that she calms down when she's had her period for a few months to a year. In the meantime, you might consider giving her Evening Primrose Oil (full of Essential Fatty Acids) and/or extra zinc (low zinc means higher irritability) Another supplement that might help is GABA. GABA can decrease irritability and helps with calm feelings. Everyone has GABA in his body, but it works less efficiently in the teen years. In fact, there's some research that indicates that decreased GABA efficiency is one explanation for the behaviors you're seeing! So, it might be worth a little research to see if GABA supplements make sense for your dd. HIH, Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I'm wierdly lucky enough to not have to be the bad guy for my dd. She lives with my mother, so I get to be the 'cool' one that 'rescues' her from her grandma. One thing that has helped my mother a lot in dealing with dd (and her sudden belief that nothing will ever work out for her and her grandma is just an evil woman that stays up nights plotting ways to make her life miserable) was me sitting down with her and explaining hormones and body chemistry and those sorts of things. I told her that sometimes some things will seem like the end of the world one day and the next she would be horrified to think how she overreacted. I recommended that she keep in mind, always, that her body is going through LOTS of changes right now and things that seem extreme (both good and bad) were being seen through chemical glasses. Then, I gave her a journal and told her to write down how she felt and what was going on. When things seemed really, truly, life changingly horrible, write it down and sit on it for about a week. If she's not sure if it's something that will wait, she calls me (9 times out of 10 it is). Is there anyway you could have a completely understanding conversation with dd about this? It made a world of difference for mine. She knows that I understand, she knows I went through it, and now, she trusts me to help her with it. The journal and a warning that she could do irrepairable damage to her relationships in one of these hormonal fogs would be a good idea too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ncmomo3 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 My 12yo dd was unbearable for a while before she finally had her first period. After that, she was back to her normal self. . :iagree:This is my experience also. I have gone through it with 2 (recently-check ages in siggy) and am currently going through it with #3. It has ALWAYS eased significantly and they return to their normal selves.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I have a 13 and an almost 16 couple of dds - aarrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!does that answer your question? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 What is PIA? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 here's some maybe-good-news: for our older two, the earlier they started their rebelling, the faster it was over. and homeschool girls seem easier than girls that go to school (its just more constant). but so is our love and intervention more constand and consistent, and it seems to help. exercise is good. very good. for both of you ; ). :grouphug: ann (two girls grown, two to go!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I highly recommend Love and Logic. Whether or not you decide that ps is the best choice for your dd, Love & Logic provides great tools for dealing with emotional teenagers!! One of the things I really like about L&L is that it gives me tools to help ME stay in control of my emotions - if Mom's not out of control, the situation usually isn't, either! And I feel much better!! Also, is your dd getting enough exercise? I really think teenagers ought to sweat hard several times a week - preferably every day! Anne, who survived the teen years of two daughters.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I haven't went through it with a girl yet, but I can tell you about my ds. He was the easiest kid until he was about 11 and then all he%& broke loose. He was just not happy about anything ever. Happily, this lasted only a couple of years and then he slowly came back to my sweet boy I knew and loved. My dd is 11 now and very, very moody. She just seems like she is pms'ing most of the time! Ugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Hormones. My adorable never could do anything wrong 10 yo daughter's head started spinning on her shoulders at 11. At 12 the first cycles came and then we had to learn how to deal with PMS. Now, at 14 all is well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 My 11 year old may not live to see 12 years of age, but my 15 year old is a dream to live with. Part of the difference is that my oldest is an over thinker, and my younger daughter is an over feeler. All of those emotions plus hormones are not a good combination. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmgirlinwv Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 PIA-I always took it to mean pain-in-the a_ _. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 When my eldest turned 11 we started with the attitude, crying, etc. At almost 14 she is starting to come out of it, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 PIA-I always took it to mean pain-in-the a_ _. LOL! I googled and searched and I couldn't come up with anything reasonable; I thought it was some sort of diagnosis ;). I even tried making things up...but nothing fit. That does, though. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 She was a very difficult child -- intense would best describe her temperament. She either LOVED something or HATED it. For her, there was no gray area. She seemed to actually enjoy being irritating and getting into trouble! EK was persistent in trying dh & me, but we continued to be consistent with discipline. We set boundaries and enforced them. Every time. I shed many tears over EK's attitude and behavior for the first 10 or 11 years of her life, and I did a LOT of praying! For her, the turning point came about the same time as puberty. I believe that for us, it came about as a consequence of both her hormonal changes AND our perseverance in parenting. She realizes now how awful she was when she was younger, and we can actually laugh about it together. My only advice is to pray a lot, be consistent with discipline, and be patient. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 So can a horrible 12yo become a more bearable 15yo? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeaganS Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 My mother had six kids and she always dreads the age from 12-14ish. Sometimes a little earlier, sometimes later. Every one of us were obnoxious during that age. That's why middle school is the way it is. Get a bunch of hormonal crazy 13 or 14 year olds in a group, and you have the horror that is middle school. I don't really have much advice because I haven't been there yet, but I know it's completely normal and they usually do get over it eventually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnetteB Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 We've been through the 12 - 14 stage five times now and have one in the middle of it now. Both boys and girls suffer emotional/hormonal ups and downs and we try to be very sensitive to it. I usually recognize the monthly pattern long before mens. started with the girls and I would gently point out that the noise of younger siblings didn't bother them last week, but this week the difference is with them. This is something that I have had to remind myself for years battling pms. The boys get moodier, more prone to anger, more prone to tears, and they need to be reassured that it isn't anything wrong with them. I give my teens more physical work to do, more cooking chores, and they REALLY enjoy painting the house or barn :) All of ours have come through all right. We only have three to go..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 One thing is really funny. ADHD children who are impossible often become more manageable about then. I know both of mine did. Now my older dd became even better until she was a few years past puberty. Then all h--- broke loose. I couldn't believe it. She would be like a perfect child for part of the month then like a devil child the other part. Yikes. Turns out that she has PMDD which is a severe reaction to hormonal changes. And it doesn't start happening until a few years after a girl's p. starts since the hormones aren't all there yet. We have all had relief with a medication. My youngest is the non-ADHD one. She was a joy until she turned about 10 1/2 or slightly later. SHe has been a trial since then and is now nearing 13. SHe is still not having p's and so I can't see yet whether that will help. I hope so but then on the other hand, I hope she has a bit more growing to do since she is only 5'1". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 Just want to say a big THANK YOU to all who responded. I really hope that dd is one of those girls who improves after her period starts. It does seem like she has become more and more tightly wound over the last 6 months. I started my period at right about this age, so I'm expecting something close to the same for her. Just to address some of the suggestions- I checked Love and Logic out of the library about a week ago. I have just barely cracked the cover, but it's encouraging to see it come up in this thread! As for talking about hormones, we have a very open relationship and have discussed everything at length. She understands, but it doesn't really help in the heat of the moment. If I think back to when I was pregnant, I can get her perspective. It didn't matter if dh pointed out my over the top hormonal reactions, I just knew how I felt. DD is the same. She knows it is hormones, but knowing is not really changing anything. Yes, PIA means pain in the @ss. :-) She's been amazing for the past 2 days- we got a puppy! I wish that could be a long term solution. Thanks again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Also, my burning question, does this get better? I really didn't expect the whole martyrdom of teenagehood to kick in until, I don't know, 14 or 15. So can a horrible 12yo become a more bearable 15yo? My dd just turned 15. The by-far-hardest ages (so far) were 12 and 13. We'd get into screaming, shouting fights that would last an hour. It was horrible. It may have been hormonal, but it was after she began her periods. I think the biggest single change was my response to her. I eventually refused to get drawn in, and I stopped taking her ugliness personally. We had a few life-changes around that time that probably played into it (dh's MS diagnosis, moving 1500 miles away). Of course she still gets irritatible, grouchy, sarcastic sometimes. I don't expect her to be perfect! But our home is pleasant overall, she and I enjoy each other's company again, and it's been good like this for almost two years. It DID get much better for us, completely opposite of where things were. It was scary. Now it's good, and maybe this will give you encouragement for your own situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunshine Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No. Tara Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!~!:lol::lol::lol: True. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 My dd15 has been my easy child and she sometimes glitches and has a mood but overall....its actually still an easy ride with her. She didn't get her periods till a bit before she turned 15. She gets moody sometimes beforehand, but she's not a generally unreasonable person. My 13yo son on the other hand! Dh has stepped up his parenting a lot in the last year or so though and I have really seen that make a difference to both the kids- they have a stronger connection with him, and rather than just being the overbearing authority figure, I know they feel he is really on their side. They lean on him more, rather than just me. We just did a 14 hour each way road trip to Ningaloo Reef here in Australia, and dh and I were dreading the car trip with the kids, who always said they hated long drives, so we avoided them. But it went so well, and both kids expressed a lot of appreciation for us as parents which quite surprised us. They still quibble and fight and argue but I just tihnk thats normal teenage stuff and I dont take any of it personally. The hardest part for me is my son not accepting my affection so much anymore. Even if he cries in anger or frustration, I cant coddle him the way he always used to want. He won't accept it. So I am finding creative ways of expressing my love- sneaking up on him and kissing his cheek, telling him I love him at odd moments. I do the same with dd. For me, I keep checking I am letting go of my own resentment if it starts to build, so I can be fresh with them rather than negative patterns building up because everyone gets so jaded. Sometimes it's hard but its better than the alternative. I had a rough teenagerhood- so far my kids have it easy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvmy4blessings Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 This was my daughter for 2 years straight . It started at age 12 and it got worse by her being in public school. Hopefully it will be different for you. The kids at that age in the schools seem to loooove to commiserate together about how awful and unfair their life is. All the while they are texting away on their cell phones (paid for by their parents) while wearing their Hollister clothes (paid for by their parents). Every day my daughter would go into an environment where kids would just get each other worked up about how horrible their life was and how horrible their parents were. There was no chance for her attitude to improve when she was surrounded by people who constantly encouraged her to think negatively about her parents. Then of course the fact that I'm not ok with sexually suggestive text messages being sent to her or myspace messages etc. etc. I had to pull my daugher out of school completely before the attitude would change . It was absolutely her peer group that was influencing her. For me it was imperative that I get her out of that situaton before it took root. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 We have both of our oldest (my step-daughters) half time. They are SOOOOO easy. The have maybe disobeyed 5 times or so in 8 years... (that's how long we've been married) My daughter.... crazy. About a week and a half ago... she was on a rampage. I yelled for 2 days straight it seems. I just yelled.... each and every time. I was just screaming.. that if she wanted to yell... it's one thing I can do louder and better than she can! If she wants to talk... great. Don't accuse me of things you lost.... don't tell me No... etc. The last week has been SOOOO much better. It's like a fresh start for her. I had been crackin' down for the last couple of months....or maybe 3... and the yelling... was just the "top it off" part. I just finally decided... however hard she pushed... to stop being so protective... and push harder. I couldn't imagine her living till 12 if it kept up. I finally feel like maybe it'll be more like dealing with the older 2. Civil, non-punitive, just normal talking things through... I'm wishing!! Carrie:-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Yes, yes, yes! A difficult 12-year-old can become a fabulous 15yo....ask me how I know.....:):grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.