justamouse Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 (edited) I could use some advice. 16yodd just came to me tonight and told me that she is pregnant. She has done 2 home pg tests and both were "instantly" positive. I am just devastated. She knows she will breastfeed, and wants to set up the room and a bed so that the baby can sleep with her, etc. She is considering natural childbirth as well. I'm proud of those things (guess at least some stuff has rubbed off from my "earth mother" mentality), but we just want to have some idea of if there have been some of you who have "been there, done that." Any help out there??? Prayers??? I'd surely appreciate them! Having had, once upon a time, BEEN that daughter, I can tell you you're off to a great start. MUCH better than my mother did. And I was in the same position with my boyfriend at the time. I let him know, and I let it go at that. Be prepared to have him mature in later years and decide he wants to be a daddy. Here's the rub, though-she could get child support from him-AND how do you feel about HIS parents not knowing that they have a grandchild? Other than that, like I said, you are dealing with this so well already. Grace, love and compassion. Just keep swimming. And make sure she goes to college. I hated that my parents hung me out to dry. Yes, I screwed up, but they were hypocrites, and I'll leave it at that. If she doesn't get to college, she'll be struggling the rest of her life (yes, I know some make it without, and that it doesn't guarantee a job, but without it? She has NOTHING.) I second Ina May Garten's books. Spiritual Midwifery was my birthing bible. Edited September 11, 2009 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 A bit of caution about Crisis Pregnancy Centers - you may want to talk with the person who would be talking to your daughter first if you go that route. My best friend's oldest daughter had two children as a teenager. Even though my friend had once been the director of the center and knew the counselor a long time, the counselor still took it upon herself to try to strong arm the daughter into adoption. It wasn't a big problem, but did upset the girl when she had already made a good informed decision otherwise. I do think one possible advantage of taking your daughter to such a center would be to have someone else present information to her regarding her responsibilities as a parent. Ours even has parenting cases and they get points towards items such as a crib for attending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fshinkevich Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I have not had a pg teen, however, I WAS the pregnant teen - twins in fact. If you would like my input, please feel free to PM me and I would be more than happy to discuss anything with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Katia Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 She did let him know this morning. He has not responded. Apparently she mentioned thinking she might be pregnant to him once before, and he told her he didn't want anything to do with that and she should have an abortion. I don't think he will want involvement. However, we will give him that option because, legally, he should have it. Well, when I asked about the dad, I didn't necessarily mean actual, physical involvement; I was talking about his financial responsibility toward his child. With DNA testing, which I believe is required when your dd names him as father, he will be legally required to support his child or have his wages garnished. This is how I understood it to work. This is a very important step and one you should not miss. And, as someone else mentioned, the father's parents may very well want to be involved in their grandchild's life. Please take that into consideration as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 On the topic of health care - have you looked into healthcare coverage for the baby? My niece's baby is covered under Medicaid. They also covered my niece during her pregnancy because she was not covered under my sister's policy anymore. btw - you are doing great. It still hurts my sister to see her daughter have to grow up so much sooner, but babies are always welcome in our family too no matter how unexpected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 She did let him know this morning. He has not responded. Apparently she mentioned thinking she might be pregnant to him once before, and he told her he didn't want anything to do with that and she should have an abortion. I don't think he will want involvement. However, we will give him that option because, legally, he should have it. On the topic of care provider, my daughters all have a gynecologist already. Oldest dd had to have a female surgery, so, when we looked for a gynecologist for her, I got both of the others in for a consult just to meet her, etc. Once I found out they had been active, I took them for pap smears. I have already contacted her office this morning. We're out to get prenatal vitamins today, and I gave her a big glass of OJ along with her breakfast. All in all, I think we're starting off okay... Stacey -If you knew your dds were actively having sex, did you provide them with birth control? It feels to me as if it's well a-ok to have un-wed teens become pregnant. Well, if it is ok for you (plural, not just Stacey) to let your kids have sex and/or if you even suspect they are doing it, step up to the plate and provide them with birth control. I think it is really hypocritical to not do so under such circumstances... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 First of all, congratulations on your new grandbaby. Of course, this isn't the way you would have wanted it to happen, but as you said, it is still a new baby, and you will all love it to pieces. Congratulations, also, on being supportive of your daughter. I don't know you, of course, but it seems from your posts on this thread that you will help her out, but also make sure she takes responsibility for herself and her child. My best friend is a high school teacher and the leader of their Teen Moms Group, which meets to discuss childcare and other baby related issues. It galls me everytime she tells me another one of these girls has become pregnant for the second or third time. I always demand to know why it happens AGAIN? (I'm talking a 16 y/o with 3 kids!), and my friend says it's because the parents take complete responsibility for the baby, and the teen is allowed to go back to doing her regular teen stuff. It doesn't sound like you will be that kind of parent. Yes, the teen needs to finish high school and go on to college, and also have somewhat of a life, which will mean a lot of help from family and friends, but, we all have consequences to our decisions, and when parents don't make their children deal with their consequences and just make the path clear for their children, I think it is a huge disservice to the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Stacey -If you knew your dds were actively having sex, did you provide them with birth control? It feels to me as if it's well a-ok to have un-wed teens become pregnant. Well, if it is ok for you (plural, not just Stacey) to let your kids have sex and/or if you even suspect they are doing it, step up to the plate and provide them with birth control. I think it is really hypocritical to not do so under such circumstances... Nadia, every teen in America has access to birth control. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Nadia, every teen in America has access to birth control. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.... That sounds so frustrating. One thing is the secret hope for a girl to have a baby to take care of (get that), but in general, if youth is choosing to have sex, why not be on the pill?? Dd had a college pal who was on it even though she supposedly was not "going all the way". Shouldn't that be the norm? How easy is it for the girls to get access if they want to do it secretly? And if the mother is open to them, why wouldn't they then?? I mean, we are talking about educated high schoolers from regular functional families. Why would they put themselves in this situation in year 2009? Growing up I had a school-pal who at age 13 was put on the pill by her mother who herself brought her to the gyn. I mean, if the child is raised with the knwoledge that sexual relationships are fine etc. then the parents need to actively do their part, imo. Same with alcohol; if it is fine with you to drink then introduce your kid to it instead of pretending they won't do it (which they will, and they'll binge to prove themselves...). Sorry if I am ranting here, but there is a fine line of double-moral in these instances, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Maybe open another thread about teen sex, birth control & parental responsiblility and leave this thread for support. Of course, people can post what they want, where they want, within board guidelines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 That sounds so frustrating. One thing is the secret hope for a girl to have a baby to take care of (get that), but in general, if youth is choosing to have sex, why not be on the pill?? Dd had a college pal who was on it even though she supposedly was not "going all the way". Shouldn't that be the norm? How easy is it for the girls to get access if they want to do it secretly? And if the mother is open to them, why wouldn't they then?? I mean, we are talking about educated high schoolers from regular functional families. Why would they put themselves in this situation in year 2009? Growing up I had a school-pal who at age 13 was put on the pill by her mother who herself brought her to the gyn. I mean, if the child is raised with the knwoledge that sexual relationships are fine etc. then the parents need to actively do their part, imo. Same with alcohol; if it is fine with you to drink then introduce your kid to it instead of pretending they won't do it (which they will, and they'll binge to prove themselves...). Sorry if I am ranting here, but there is a fine line of double-moral in these instances, imo. I don't know why they don't, but worrying about it now in this situation is like closing the barn door after the horse is already out. It doesn't serve any purpose to ask Stacey these questions (or to bring it up in her thread.) Why not start a separate thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Maybe open another thread about teen sex, birth control & parental responsiblility and leave this thread for support. Of course, people can post what they want, where they want, within board guidelines. :iagree: It may be more helpful to OP to have "general experience and advice for all teens" posts "cut-and-regathered" into a different thread. Is there a way for her to do this ? (if she wishes, I mean) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I could use some advice. 16yodd just came to me tonight and told me that she is pregnant. She has done 2 home pg tests and both were "instantly" positive. I am just devastated. We already have my 22yo stepson, his gf and their baby living here while they save money and wait on a local apartment, as well as our 4 teens. I wasn't surprised about stepson's gf getting pregnant. He was raised in a rough home and wasn't with us much. He just didn't live the lifestyle my children have (not that we didn't try - it was just too late). I know that means nothing. I'm not pinpointing a certain "group" to get pg. I just wasn't surprised when they did. This is shocking me to the point of I don't even know what. I knew this particular child had had sex with this bf, but I thought it was over. A few weeks ago he left for college and I guess they felt the need to be together and that was it. Since that night they have had a fight and they aren't even on speaking terms. Now, she's pregnant. Can someone PLEASE tell me where to even begin. I just cannot wrap my head around this at all. I mean, she knows she will have and keep the baby - that's not the issue. I guess it's just logistics; finishing out schooling, college, living here at home with the baby, putting one more little beebee in the house, etc. She knows she will breastfeed, and wants to set up the room and a bed so that the baby can sleep with her, etc. She is considering natural childbirth as well. I'm proud of those things (guess at least some stuff has rubbed off from my "earth mother" mentality), but we just want to have some idea of if there have been some of you who have "been there, done that." Any help out there??? Prayers??? I'd surely appreciate them! :grouphug: Just wanted give you a hug. I know it must be tough. She is fortunate to have the support of her family. Is she still homeschooling? I can't remember. I would lean toward having her finish up school (high school) while she is pregnant and then have a bit of time with the baby before diving into college headfirst. As others have said, I think it is a good idea to talk to the parents and the boy all together in the same room if possible. I always prefer the upfront approach. No one can force the boy to 'have anything to do with the baby', but the state can and will force him to take financial responsibility for the baby. Get that legal stuff taken care of asap...although I bet the baby has to be born first. Disclaimer: I do believe there are situations where it is better to keep the father out of the babies life but those are extreme cases...and I doubt this boy is that kind of kid if your daughter was dating him. Again :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 That sounds so frustrating. One thing is the secret hope for a girl to have a baby to take care of (get that), but in general, if youth is choosing to have sex, why not be on the pill?? Dd had a college pal who was on it even though she supposedly was not "going all the way". Shouldn't that be the norm? How easy is it for the girls to get access if they want to do it secretly? And if the mother is open to them, why wouldn't they then?? I mean, we are talking about educated high schoolers from regular functional families. Why would they put themselves in this situation in year 2009? Growing up I had a school-pal who at age 13 was put on the pill by her mother who herself brought her to the gyn. I mean, if the child is raised with the knwoledge that sexual relationships are fine etc. then the parents need to actively do their part, imo. Same with alcohol; if it is fine with you to drink then introduce your kid to it instead of pretending they won't do it (which they will, and they'll binge to prove themselves...). Sorry if I am ranting here, but there is a fine line of double-moral in these instances, imo. You make excellent points here and in your previous post, Nadia. It does seem odd to, as a parent, acknowledge your child's sexual activity, yet be surprised or devasted when the natural result of that arises. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 (edited) No, but I WAS someone's pregnant teen. I wasn't 16 though, I was 19. I am sorry this has happened. If it comes to it, I would ask your grown step-son to leave. I was 19 when I had my oldest son. I married his dad (we are now divorced) and we BOTH finished college, got assistance we needed via foodstamps, etc. at the time, and made it on.our.own. 22 is well old enough to go out into the world and take the hard knocks to make it on your own. 16 is not. How did we do it? The first thing we did was tell our parents. We had both already moved out on our own, so they weren't really involved. My mom lived locally - his parents were about 7 hours away. His dad asked if we could abort. We both told him "absolutely NOT." I immediately applied for Tenncare (gov't insurance) and went to the OB. After that, we both worked until the baby was born. We got WIC, but not foodstamps at that time. While we worked, we also went to college. My ex husband finished school and graduated when our baby was a year old and I graduated the following year. He worked HARD for us - brought home the money and let me finish school. When I finished, I went to work and by the end of our marriage, we had gone from poor and pregnant to making 80K+ a year together. Was it easy? Absolutely not! But we did it because we were determined not to be a statistic. It is not impossible! Edited September 12, 2009 by Tree House Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I could use some advice. 16yodd just came to me tonight and told me that she is pregnant. She has done 2 home pg tests and both were "instantly" positive. I am just devastated. We already have my 22yo stepson, his gf and their baby living here while they save money and wait on a local apartment, as well as our 4 teens. I wasn't surprised about stepson's gf getting pregnant. He was raised in a rough home and wasn't with us much. He just didn't live the lifestyle my children have (not that we didn't try - it was just too late). I know that means nothing. I'm not pinpointing a certain "group" to get pg. I just wasn't surprised when they did. This is shocking me to the point of I don't even know what. I knew this particular child had had sex with this bf, but I thought it was over. A few weeks ago he left for college and I guess they felt the need to be together and that was it. Since that night they have had a fight and they aren't even on speaking terms. Now, she's pregnant. Can someone PLEASE tell me where to even begin. I just cannot wrap my head around this at all. I mean, she knows she will have and keep the baby - that's not the issue. I guess it's just logistics; finishing out schooling, college, living here at home with the baby, putting one more little beebee in the house, etc. She knows she will breastfeed, and wants to set up the room and a bed so that the baby can sleep with her, etc. She is considering natural childbirth as well. I'm proud of those things (guess at least some stuff has rubbed off from my "earth mother" mentality), but we just want to have some idea of if there have been some of you who have "been there, done that." Any help out there??? Prayers??? I'd surely appreciate them! :grouphug: AND prayers your way. I have not gone through this but we did have one of my great nieces live with us from the time she was about 5 months pregnant until her baby was about 2 1/2. She was 19 when she gave birth. It was very difficult as she felt so guilty. She was extremely self conscious of being pregnant and not being married. I would say if you are associated with a Christian group this may be the case for your dd also. One of the things that I would tell her over and over is having a baby is not a sin. The sin came at the time of conception, that is over, forgiven and this baby is a blessing to you and to the Lord. I would also set up definite guide lines of if you are going to keep this baby we will support you in every way possible but you have to understand this this child is yours and your responsibility. With my niece there was some major immaturity. I watched the baby while she worked but she was responsible for him from the time she came home, through the night until she left for work. This was difficult for her. Now I wasn't dogmatic about it. If she was sick, wanted to go take a hot shower, wanted to go to a movie once in a while etc I watch him for her but I felt that she wouldn't always have me there to help and needed to have that responsibility and needed to learn how to nurture her child. You can do it and so can she. Obviously she has already thought through some things and made some decisions that are positive. From what I can see your daughter has a major advantage over my sweet niece, your dd has a good mother as a role model, my niece had never really seen a mother give of herself until she came to our home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 (edited) I have been the pregnant 16 year old. I think it's important while she's going through this for you to transition to treating her like an adult and a parent, rather than your child. You've received great advice so far. One thing I haven't seen mention is choice of healthcare provider for your daughter. Teen moms can be treated so badly by some healthcare providers, that it is important to find someone who will treat your child as the burgeoning young adult that she will be forced to be, not someone to be punished for making a mistake or taken advantage of because of youth. I used midwives when I was a pregnant teen. They treated me with respect, answered all my questions and gave me the support I needed. Edited September 12, 2009 by phathui5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Yes, it seems this girl wanted to get pregnant. It may suprise you to learn that people get pregnant even while using birth control. My sister-in-law had twins while on the pill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 But did the OP say that her daughter wasn't using any sort of BC? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philothea Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I think you sound like everything is on track. This is one of those things where you can be upset but still be happy at the same time. Good is drawn out of evil. I would actually be angrier if my child had used contraception, because it is a deliberate and thoughtful act against our beliefs as Catholics. I would rather have a pregnant teen who might have fallen in the moment or due to pressure and passion than one who willfully goes against their Faith even to the point of "planning" to do it. Contraception is worse than pre-marital relations by our moral standards. I would rather live in a world of teen mothers and fathers than one saturated with the contraceptive mentality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I have been the pregnant 16 year old. I think it's important while she's going through this for you to transition to treating her like an adult and a parent, rather than your child. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Does the father and his parents know? Have you decided how/when to tell them? And, remember, not only do they have rights as far as visiting/custody, etc. goes, but the father has legal financial responsibilities towards his new baby as well. These all need to be addressed. Sounds like you are doing a great job, Stacey. You're a great mom! I second this. Be prepared to get a lawyer if need be - may have to prove paternity, etc. to get support. But your dd didn't get pregnant all by her lonesome.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 You've received great advice so far. One thing I haven't seen mention is choice of healthcare provider for your daughter. Teen moms can be treated so badly by some healthcare providers, that it is important to find someone who will treat your child as the burgeoning young adult that she will be forced to be, not someone to be punished for making a mistake or taken advantage of because of youth. I have seen things and heard stories that made my toes curl. I would recommend looking into midwifery care because they take the time to get to know their patients and provide emotional support. Midwives work harder at encouraging healthy habits such as exercise and eating properly. Also, she will get support if she wants a natural birth and better support for breastfeeding. If she were to develop risk factors that would necessitate going to a doctor, the midwives would know who would be more likely to give supportive care. :iagree::iagree::iagree: I was a teen mom, not as young as your dd, but still young, and had twins. :) I 100% agree with the recommendation for midwifery care--you sound like she'd be open to that idea, but look into it. All the best to her, the baby, and you and your dh.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 First off, Stacy :grouphug: I have no advice, as my dd is only 11, but I think you and your family are handling this well. ********** Second, the OP asked for advice on the situation as it currently stands, not for an inquiry on whether the dd was on BC or whether she intended to become pregnant. What difference does any of that make now? The girl is pregnant and the BC and intention debate is unnecessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 It may suprise you to learn that people get pregnant even while using birth control. My sister-in-law had twins while on the pill. Heh. I had my first at 19 on the pill, and every single time after that we were using contraception. So, I'm the POSTER child for that 1%. Stacey, give her hugs for me. I remember all too well how it was. And I third, fourth the midwives? She doesn't need the added judgment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Yes, it seems this girl wanted to get pregnant. Why in the world would you post something like that in this thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I think you sound like everything is on track. This is one of those things where you can be upset but still be happy at the same time. Good is drawn out of evil. I would actually be angrier if my child had used contraception, because it is a deliberate and thoughtful act against our beliefs as Catholics. I would rather have a pregnant teen who might have fallen in the moment or due to pressure and passion than one who willfully goes against their Faith even to the point of "planning" to do it. Contraception is worse than pre-marital relations by our moral standards. I would rather live in a world of teen mothers and fathers than one saturated with the contraceptive mentality. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Nadia, every teen in America has access to birth control. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.... This is true. It was also true 20 years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Yes, it seems this girl wanted to get pregnant. I am only responding because the poster quoted me and this is what she answered. THIS is *not* at all what I meant! I was simply answering Nadia's remark about bc. It *is* available to anyone who can walk in a WalMart - that was my only point. What I answered had *nothing* to do with Stacey or her daughter at all. I don't even believe in artificial bc, but that wasn't the question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 YES, I have discussed b/c with ALL of my children. NO, we do not believe in the pill, but would not have stopped any dc from taking it if they had asked. Would I force any of them to take it? NO - because I believe it is abortifacient. Aside from that, I also never wanted any one of my kids to be complacent about condoms just because they might take the pill. I figure there are many worse things that could come from unprotected sex than a baby. We talked about condoms a LOT; they knew about them AND had access to them. Now, as for her actually *wanting* to be pg, I just don't think so. While I am sure she knew it was a risk (though I think when she brought it up to the bf before it could've just been one of those moments where she wanted to see whether he cared about her, so I don't think she was really believing she was pg), I am sure she didn't expect it. She took THREE tests hoping that she might get a different result. I was there when she took the last one yesterday - she had 1 T of urine in a cup and dipped the stick in - the line was MAROON, not just pink or red. I told her to stop wasting money on tests. Anyway, I appreciate the support you all have offered. I bought her a book today and a pregnancy journal. What's done is done and I just want to find ways to make this as positive of an experience as it can be at this point. I do appreciate all of the great input you guys have given, as well as the prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 we are considering the midwifery option - I just have to be sure the group takes medicaid. Our insurance doesn't cover dependent maternity. She and the baby will be eligible for Medicaid and LA's child insurance program. We are going to apply this week and she'll have an appt to see a dr/midwife ASAP after that. I had natural and home births so I am definitely encouraging this option! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starwarsmomma Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I dont have any advice, but I wanted you to know you've been on my mind and heart since I read the first post. I'm praying for everyone, and wanted to tell you what a GOOD mom you are! You may not realize it now, but the way you're handling this-- it's how I would hope to handle things. And I admire how you handle this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I don't, but :grouphug::grouphug: to you!! I'll be praying for you and your dd, that you and your family have peace and wisdom as you go forward. Take the wise things she's saying and doing and try to encourage her and yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBG Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Sending prayers to your family. I'm sure it's been hard on your daughter too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 There are worse things in the world than a pregnant teen with a loving & supportive family! I can imagine it might seem all 'end of the world' but I think that's because some people act like teen sex and sex that actually leads to a baby is shameful and horrible. Too many babies loose their heritage because of our shame. A young woman with a supportive family can go to school and have a good life. When I think of all the babies lost to their bio families because their parents feared what people think. :confused: (I am an adoptive parent, btw. Sometimes it's the right decision for a woman and her child, and sometimes, oftentimes, it is not). Take care of that baby and your girl. Sending you all good thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 (edited) There are worse things in the world than a pregnant teen with a loving & supportive family! I can imagine it might seem all 'end of the world' but I think that's because some people act like teen sex and sex that actually leads to a baby is shameful and horrible. Too many babies loose their heritage because of our shame. A young woman with a supportive family can go to school and have a good life. When I think of all the babies lost to their bio families because their parents feared what people think. :confused: (I am an adoptive parent, btw. Sometimes it's the right decision for a woman and her child, and sometimes, oftentimes, it is not). Take care of that baby and your girl. Sending you all good thoughts. :iagree: :grouphug: You and your family will be fine :) Be supportive and help her push into this new role. To those yelling and screaming about birth control pills, patches, nuvarings, etc....they are hormonal DRUGS. They have side effects on top of being abortifacient. Pregnancy is less of an issue than the side effects, in some of our opinions. Despite the "well, they are teens, not in the high risk group"....I and several friends have been on them and have suffered for it in the past. One friend nearly died from the stroke it caused and she was only 20! Putting a child on the pill should not be considered "automatic insurance". Edited September 13, 2009 by mommaduck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saille Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I highly recommend the forums at http://www.girlmom.com. They are an invaluable emotional resource for teenage mothers. Hear, hear! girlmom is a great (and veteran) resource. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Hear, hear! girlmom is a great (and veteran) resource. Love their opening statement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 My dh and I had our first child when I was 16. We actually planned to have him, silly I know. Anyway - that was nearly 21 years ago. It all worked out. The main thing to remember is that it is NOT the end of the world. She can still do whatever she sets out to do as long as you help her out a long the way. My other advice is to make sure SHE is the momma and does the raising of this baby. My mom was/is wonderful at helping me out, but in the end - we were the parents and we needed to figure it out. I actually homeschooled my senior year of high school with American School - just didn't call it homeschooling then. Then my parents bought a house with an inlaw apartment. My dh and I went to college, bought a small starter home and eventually bought my parents house from them. If my parents had not been helpful and supportive - our lives would be so much different. It may not have been the best idea on our part to choose to have a baby so young, but God knew exactly when to send that wonderful baby boy into our lives. That baby boy is not a proud soldier in the US Army - a true gift to everyone in our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Only put one foot in front of the other. Don't look a year down the road, five years, ten years. Get through now. You'll only torture yourself with what about this, that and the other. Your daughter is so lucky to have a caring mom. You've been given a serious blow: you'll be in grieving mode and grieving is seriously hard work. Go easy on yourself. And don't blame yourself. Life happens to even the most wonderful parents (no pun intended). Take good care, Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in OK Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 :grouphug: You're doing a great job Mama!! My only suggestion would be to make sure her care provider is experienced in gently caring for teen moms. I've heard many stories of doctors AND midwives doing or saying things to intentionally punish a girl for having become pregnant as a teen. But that said, with your experience with alternative birth options you probably know the excellent care providers in your area. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Stacey, I'm just getting back to answer you and it looks like you've had a lot of input already. My parents did everything right, which is not an easy thing to pull off. I think everything fell into two categories- 1) grace/love, 2) responsibility/accountability. One of the things I remember my mom saying was that I was only going to have my first child once, and she wasn't going to make it miserable for me. We worked through the shock and planning together (sounds like you are already doing this). She pushed us (dh, then boyfriend, and I) to start planning and saving. She did NOT do these things FOR us. We opened our bank account, I got a job, dh was already enlisted in the Marine Corps ect. She also made me call my grandma, whom I was very close with, to tell her myself. I also went to most of my ob visits on my own. She was my coach for lamaze (dh was at boot camp) and a constant sounding board, but she really pushed me to start taking on the responsibility of a grown up life. I saw the guidance counselor at school on my own to discuss my options. I made the decision to enroll in the "preggo girl program", which was one of the BEST decisions of all (more on that later). I talk about my mom a lot, because my dad was pretty much checked out during that time. He was actually great once I had dd. He would often take the 5am feeding and he's totally a baby guy, but it was really my mom who pushed me to grow during that time. It's funny, for as much as she was making me grow up, one of my fondest memories of that time was crawling into bed with her and talking at the end of every day. It was a sweet time in our relationship. A lot of my friends were dropping out of the picture and my boyfriend was in boot camp, she was the one who got me through. After the baby was born my parents helped, but I was really expected to do the bulk of the baby care. They took on a pretty normal grandparent role. They helped, but this was my baby and my responsibility. This is the part I really want you to hear. I'm not even sure how to phrase it. The one piece of advice I can give you is to treat her like the kind of adult, the kind of mother, that you want your grandchild to have. I've seen parents of teen moms who lament the loss of their child's young and wild years, and they will do things like babysit so their dd can go clubbing, or to a party all of their friends are going to, or to Vegas (I live in Cali, and I'm thinking of a young adult here, but nonetheless..). I think it's guilt that drives parents to step in and babysit or take on partially raising the baby, so the dd can be a "normal teenager". I think that they feel like somehow they failed their dds, so somehow they need to step in and give their dd some of her freedom back. I think that is a grave mistake. I think it creates immature mothers who are ill-equiped for the REAL sacrifice that parenting takes. You need to help her to become mature beyond her years. To me it's not so much about when she has a baby, it's about when she has a 5 year old, or a 9 year old. If she doesn't start the process now, she won't be ready for the mental marathon that is parenting. I'm going to backtrack a bit. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of my junior year. I attended school as usual for the first semester, but transferred to a special program for the second. Obviously, the quality of these programs is going to vary, but the one I was connected with was fantastic. Really, it was the director who was fantastic. She looked over my records, realized I could graduate early if I worked hard and then pushed me to do it. I graduated a year early. She helped us (preggo girls) get signed up for WIC, MediCal, and a voucher program for childcare. She talked me through getting enrolled in college as well. We learned how to sew by doing community projects (quilts for moms with AIDS), were taught baby care, nutrition and kept accountable. It was a vital step in my growing up process and I would encourage you to at least check in with your local district to see what they have. Judge it by the director, rather than the facilities. We were in a doublewide portable classroom that wasn't impressive, but she made all the difference. ((((HUGS)))))) Let your dd know that there is a whole bunch of teen moms on this board (what a surprise!) and I think we've all made it. :-) I have a really great life and no regrets. (quoting Todd Wilson) It ain't easy, but it's good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 (edited) Thanks for your post Shannon :) I have to agree with everything you said. Years ago, I thought I would like opening a home where girls/couples could gain life and parenting skills and tools. I just really appreciated those who were involved with me (mom, teacher, etc), but felt for those who didn't have that. And I think it is just as problematic when parents are "too helpful." The girls who didn't work, went right back to playing on the girls' basketball team, who had their parents buying everything and doing most of the babycare were really stunted in their growth, imo. What I did wasn't easy, but it worked and worked well. Anyway, I wish parents could understand that the extremes (kicking girls out or doing everything for them) really hurts their children and grandchildren. It's just like how abuse and permissiveness are both problematic. BTW: I did not mean to suggest our parenting/pregnancy class was lacking when I said I shouldn't have changed schools. Mrs Stuart was a great teacher who gave us wonderful opportunities. I simply think I would have benefited by staying in my school. Mrs Stuart would still have been involved and I would have gotten to attend outings and such too. Edited September 13, 2009 by 2J5M9K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 After the baby was born my parents helped, but I was really expected to do the bulk of the baby care. They took on a pretty normal grandparent role. They helped, but this was my baby and my responsibility. This is the part I really want you to hear. I'm not even sure how to phrase it. The one piece of advice I can give you is to treat her like the kind of adult, the kind of mother, that you want your grandchild to have. I've seen parents of teen moms who lament the loss of their child's young and wild years, and they will do things like babysit so their dd can go clubbing, or to a party all of their friends are going to, or to Vegas (I live in Cali, and I'm thinking of a young adult here, but nonetheless..). I think it's guilt that drives parents to step in and babysit or take on partially raising the baby, so the dd can be a "normal teenager". I think that they feel like somehow they failed their dds, so somehow they need to step in and give their dd some of her freedom back. I think that is a grave mistake. I think it creates immature mothers who are ill-equiped for the REAL sacrifice that parenting takes. You need to help her to become mature beyond her years. To me it's not so much about when she has a baby, it's about when she has a 5 year old, or a 9 year old. If she doesn't start the process now, she won't be ready for the mental marathon that is parenting. This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say, but it wasn't nearly so sweet and elegant. It's important that, although you love your daughter and want what's best for her, what is best for her is not to be coddled so much that she doesn't understand the seriousness of her situation. I believe this is why my stepdaughter got pregnant again so quickly. Too much of the real responsibility was lifted from her shoulders and she was allowed to return to her childhood. Her mom was the main culprit (in my opinion ;)) but all of us easily fell into the trap. Who can resist a beautiful brand new baby?! My stepdaughter is truly the one paying for it because now she has three small children at 19 years old. I believe if she had been forced to grow up after the first one, the second two would never have followed. BTW, I do believe children are blessings, and they are beautiful and here and we love them silly, but I believe it would have been nice to save some of those blessings for a little later in her life. :D Honestly, it sounds like you are rocking the situation so far. Keep up the excellent parenting! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 :grouphug: Life is going to be hard for awhile. Do your best to normalize things and keep her moving forward on her school work. That is so important and untimantly could have major effect of things the turn out for them. She also needs yo have a BC plan for as soon as this baby is born. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lvbnhome Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 First, my heart just goes out to you, because it is these things that hit us blindsided that are often such trials. It's not often the things we thought would happen, and we often have a hard time dealing with news like this because we need a place to put it. Having had the experience of being a teen, who was faced with an unplanned pregnancy at an early age, I can tell you that looking back... the people who I most appreciated then and now are those who were loving and supportive. I new I'd ripped my parent's heart out by my choices (only later did I understand this )...but I just wanted to share with you that there are obviously many here who either understand or want to put arms around you and hug you, or just offer a word of encouragement... to be to her, what you would want someone to be for you, if you were in her position. What would you want to hear, or have someone do for you? Also, I think it is just wonderful that you came here to share this and to get advise...to me, that shows you are a strong and wonderful mom...because you are seeking wisdom from others..Good Job! You all will get thru this time. My step-mom has a wonderful saying that I repeat often. "We are going to get thru this...We may not look like much, but we are going to get thru it"...and she always smiles when she says it... Please know we are all here for you, during this time..:):grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 I really appreciate hearing the experiences too. I think the initial shock is over. We meet with Medicaid this week to do her insurance application, and then we will get a doctor's appointment scheduled. Even though I know the timing isn't the greatest, I am now just praying for the health and safety of my daughter AND the baby. We are going to love and support her, and love that baby with all our hearts. I'm just going to pray for a safe, healthy pregnancy, and a safe arrival for our little peanut-in-the-making. I'll post an update when she has her first doctor visit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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