Is anyone else here anti-social??

[TCoppock]

I honestly have no friends IRL and don't really feel like making any. There are about 1-2 people at work that I talk to but NEVER speak to them outside of my job. I am not a very talkative person and making conversation or even being in places where I might have to potentially speak to others is VERY stressful to me. Even having to hear other chatting tends it irritate me. (the noise not the fact that others are social) My family actually harasses me all the time about not answering my phone or emails. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and am wondering if that is just pinned on anyone who is an introvert. Does anyone else here feel the way I do??

 

Funny thing is my job requires me to have interaction with people and that doesn't bother me at all. It is more teaching then actual chit-chat.

 

Sorry for rambling. This is just a random thought that keeps going through my head.

[Georgiana Daniels]

LOL!!! This is SOOO me. I LOATHE answering the phone. I cringe when people stop by. I prefer to keep to myself. However, way back in the day when I worked I had no problem talking and interacting as needed.

 

After being home for the last 5 years, I'm FINALLY starting to talk to people outside the home and now I even have a workout buddy. But, you know....I just don't want to get carried away....

[MariannNOVA]

I hate chatting on the phone, but I will talk on the phone for business purposes -- that doesn't bother me at all. I am just not one to pick up the phone and speak with anyone for the sake of talking.

 

I sit at the pool and listen to these women go on and on about every little insipid thing under the sun, and they never stop talking! Makes me nuts!

 

I don't have any friends IRL (I think the last one with whom a friendship was taking shape accused my son of stealing a LEGO man and a plastic car - it's here on the board someplace) -- had a couple, don't now. I am more the swoop in when there is an emergency, help put out the fire (you know, bring dinner, drive people places, bring groceries), and then disappear.

 

I just do not exert the constant effort that friendship seems to require -- cannot be bothered, I guess, or don't have the time, energy or patience.

 

Glad to hear I am not the only one --

[MariannNOVA]

And I want to point out that I think I know what you mean with the term "anti-social" but it literally refers to a series of socio or psychopathic behaviors (think serial killer). Anti-social is nothing like introversion.

 

 

I am NOT introverted -- I am not shy -- I just do not care to exert the effort it seems to take to make and cultivate friendships......OR perhaps I just haven't met the individual with whom I would like to exert that effort -- but I would think that at this point in my life, I might have.

 

And, your point about socio or psychopathic behavior labels is a good one.

[abbeyej]

I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and am wondering if that is just pinned on anyone who is an introvert.

 

No, I don't think so. I'm an introvert who works hard to function well in situations where it would help to be extroverted. You know, a bit like walking on stage and exuding confidence while giving a speech despite feeling terrible stage fright. I do genuinely enjoy chatting with other people, etc, and I know some of my more casual friends would be surprised to hear me say that I'm truly introverted. But even while I might enjoy it, that type of interaction really wears me out. So I get that.

 

But I also went through a period of social anxiety after each of my kids was born. I do really think mine was hormonal to some extent, and eventually it went away. But it was a very different experience, and I actually felt *panic* about being in group situations where I was going to be expected to make casual conversation, etc.

 

Anyway, I think there are plenty of introverted people who do not have social anxiety issues. (And I've also seen extroverted people go through periods of intense social anxiety...) While there is assuredly some overlap between introverts and those with social anxiety, I by no means think that they are the same thing.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Well it's good to see that I am in good company.

 

My family thinks I'm some sort of freak because I just can't seem to be bothered with anyone and I don't covet lots of close friendships.

 

I actually think it's got a little to do with my military upbringing. My family (Mom, Dad, Sister, Me) did everything together. We mostly grew up in countries where we didn't speak the language, so we didn't have many friends outside the immediate family.

 

Now I'm very happy with my home and my family and I feel like that's enough for me. Everyone else seems to think there needs to be EXTRA PEOPLE in addition to your family.

 

I just don't see the point, and I'm certainly not interested in exerting the effort it takes to maintain a decent friendship. I guess I'm lazy that way.

 

I simply despise the telephone. If it were up to me, I'd disconnect it all together, but I do have to make the occasional phone call for business purposes, etc . . . but there is absolutely NO chatting on that phone. I don't do chat.

[Denisemomof4]

Did you have friends when you were younger? Do you have siblings you keep in contact with?

 

If being alone truly makes you happy, then I wish you only the best. But if your social anxiety keeps you alone because it's easier than tackling that issue, may I gently suggest you try to work on that? I only say that because for me, my life is SO much richer due to my wonderful friends. I have a best friend who is there for me NO MATTER WHAT and she flew 3,000 miles twice in one year to be with me when I lost a parent. She will raise my kids should something happen to my husband and I both. I have two other friends I've known for 23 and 25 years and they are like family to me. I have local friends who comfort me and help me out when I need them. Of course all of this is reciprocal, and it blesses me tremendously to help my friends.

 

When I moved to NH from CA 26 years ago, I was only 20 and I dressed TOTALLY different than people here. I remember going tot he popular LL Bean and thinking, "Do people really wear this stuff?" I saw beige and khaki everywhere I looked and SWORE I'd never wear any of it. Well, I do now and I'm still happy with my style. :D I'm more MATURE now. But, when I dressed different, and was so outgoing to this reserved area, people didn't like me. The GUYS I worked with liked me, but women? No. It was very, very hard and very, very lonely for me. I also had a time where I had been hurt so many times in the church that I removed people from my life, all but those who were my longtime friends. I was very sad and lonely during that time. So I have had times with no friends and know what it's like. Maybe my personality is just different, but I was NOT happy without friends.

 

I guess I'm asking, do you feel like you're missing something? Do you WISH you had friends but can't get beyond the anxiety of it?

 

Maybe the chattering of others irritates you because you don't know how to small talk or make personal connections due to your anxiety? I don't know, I'm just trying to help you think from another POV.

 

I'm such an extrovert and make friends with all types of people. What's funny is that I've befriended SO many friends like you, who keep to themselves, don't have other friends, etc. and when we become friends I introduce them to my family first, we hang out and then other friends, etc. and a few years later, they have friends and truly are happier. Could that be you?

 

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of line here, but I do believe the lives of people are richer due to the relationships they have. If you want that but don't try to attain it because of your anxiety, I do hope and pray that you will try to get beyond it. My brother is like you and I feel so bad for him. He has no family, no friends. He only has my sister and I. I know he's absolutely miserable but he's not trying to make connections either. I think it's out of fear and lack of confidence. I do what I can but ultimately he's going to have to make changes if he truly wants friends.

 

Oh, this has gotten WAAAAAAAY too long. I'm sorry.

:grouphug:

[novagirl]

I feel I have been like this since I was a little kid. I didn't really care for sleepovers because by the morning time, I just wished they were at home and I could be alone for a while. I have my old friends from high school and college (who live NO WHER NEAR ME), one friend from work and one, count em, ONE friend in the area. I guess I don't put forth the effort to keep them either. Its good to see I am not alone.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Did you have friends when you were younger? Do you have siblings you keep in contact with?

 

If being alone truly makes you happy, then I wish you only the best. But if your social anxiety keeps you alone because it's easier than tackling that issue, may I gently suggest you try to work on that? I only say that because for me, my life is SO much richer due to my wonderful friends. I have a best friend who is there for me NO MATTER WHAT and she flew 3,000 miles twice in one year to be with me when I lost a parent. She will raise my kids should something happen to my husband and I both. I have two other friends I've known for 23 and 25 years and they are like family to me. I have local friends who comfort me and help me out when I need them. Of course all of this is reciprocal, and it blesses me tremendously to help my friends.

 

When I moved to NH from CA 26 years ago, I was only 20 and I dressed TOTALLY different than people here. I remember going tot he popular LL Bean and thinking, "Do people really wear this stuff?" I saw beige and khaki everywhere I looked and SWORE I'd never wear any of it. Well, I do now and I'm still happy with my style. :D I'm more MATURE now. But, when I dressed different, and was so outgoing to this reserved area, people didn't like me. The GUYS I worked with liked me, but women? No. It was very, very hard and very, very lonely for me. I also had a time where I had been hurt so many times in the church that I removed people from my life, all but those who were my longtime friends. I was very sad and lonely during that time. So I have had times with no friends and know what it's like. Maybe my personality is just different, but I was NOT happy without friends.

 

I guess I'm asking, do you feel like you're missing something? Do you WISH you had friends but can't get beyond the anxiety of it?

 

Maybe the chattering of others irritates you because you don't know how to small talk or make personal connections due to your anxiety? I don't know, I'm just trying to help you think from another POV.

 

I'm such an extrovert and make friends with all types of people. What's funny is that I've befriended SO many friends like you, who keep to themselves, don't have other friends, etc. and when we become friends I introduce them to my family first, we hang out and then other friends, etc. and a few years later, they have friends and truly are happier. Could that be you?

 

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of line here, but I do believe the lives of people are richer due to the relationships they have. If you want that but don't try to attain it because of your anxiety, I do hope and pray that you will try to get beyond it. My brother is like you and I feel so bad for him. He has no family, no friends. He only has my sister and I. I know he's absolutely miserable but he's not trying to make connections either. I think it's out of fear and lack of confidence. I do what I can but ultimately he's going to have to make changes if he truly wants friends.

 

Oh, this has gotten WAAAAAAAY too long. I'm sorry.

:grouphug:

 

I'm not sure exactly how to respond to this. It's complicated, much too complicated to type on a message board.

 

I don't have any friends from years and years ago because I was in a different school every couple of years and my parents were sort of religious fanatics so we were isolated a lot of the time. We were not encouraged to maintain long term friendships with people when we moved away . . . we were encouraged to embrace the "new adventure." I think I may have taken it a bit too far and now it's backfired on me. ;) It's the nature of my military upbringing. I'm not saying that every military family's experience was like that, but mine certainly was.

 

Also, I don't see myself as unhappy. I am completely satisfied with the family I've been blessed with. I think we have just the right size family with just the proper family dynamics.

 

I mostly feel anxiety when I am forced to reach out and I don't want to. I'm not sure if this is a "social anxiety" or if it's just natural to feel anxiety when one is forced outside of their comfort zone. I mean, would you feel stress if you were forced to spend hours and hours alone? I would not. I LOVE time alone and crave it when I've been forced to spend time with others for too long a period of time.

 

I also get very frustrated when I have to make small talk. I am not good at it, I receive no joy from it, and just can't really be bothered with it. I am not unkind or unpleasant, as far as I can see . . . I just am not chatty. I don't really do chat.

 

I'm not sure what my point is. I am not unhappy. I am happy. I'm over thinking something is WRONG with me because I don't CRAVE other friendships. I CRAVE to be accepted for who I am without having to explain WHY outside friendships are not important to me. There really is no why . . . it's just because that's who I am.

[ChristusG]

Glad to know there are others like me!

 

I literally have no friends. I really do not have aquaintances either. I'm very shy, I never know what to say during a conversation with people I do not know well. People may think I'm stuck up, but I'm far from that.

 

I had friends when I was a kid and teenager. I was not a social butterfly by any means. I had a few close friends and a few aquaintances.

 

I'm not afraid to go into group situations. I love to go out and I have no anxiety about it. I just do not have any friends because I do not know what to say. And honestly, I'm very different from most women that I know. I've always been a tomboy and I still am today. I do not dress girly and frilly. I'm more comfy in jeans, a polo shirt, and indoor soccer shoes. You'll never find me in a dress or high heels. I dont care about manicures, pedicures, hair do's, spas, and painted nails. You'll find me much happier jumping in the bouncy things with my kids, going camping, etc.

 

I'm pretty crunchy....homeschool, baby wearing, no CIO, doesn't leave kids with sitter often, eating a lot of organic....those things set me apart from others, as does the fact that I'm a tomboy.

 

I hang out with my husband, my kids, my parents, my two sisters, I go shopping with my two Nana's sometimes. However, my two sisters are very different from me as well. My middle sister is a lesbian, so we'll never really have the whole "family aspect" in common....but we still do hang out sometimes. And my youngest sister is only 15, so of course we are at different stages in life.

 

So I'm pretty shy and introverted. I'm not anxious, I just do not know what to say to people. Sometimes I wish I had friends to go off with, but then again, sometimes I think it's more trouble than it's worth. And you know what? The people who know my true self, they think that I'm the nuttiest, loudest, craziest person in the world LOL. I'll be walking through the room and just scream for no reason just to see their reaction. So I'm introverted but extroverted around people I know well. It's strange, really.

Edited September 4, 2009 by ChristusG

[Denisemomof4]

I know you mean well, but this is exactly the kind of thing I try to not take to heart. It feels like you are saying "if only you would be more like me (extroverted) you would be so much happier". I'm not unhappy. (I know I can't speak for every introverts happiness level.)

 

I'm sorry, and I was afraid it would be taken like that, and that's truly not what I meant. That's why i said "If you're truly happy the way you are, then I wish you only the best." I meant it when I said that.

 

The introverts I've met really did want friends, as does my brother, and that's the only experience I have with that.

 

I also was questioning the OP's social anxiety. The anxiety aspect of it makes it appear that it's not her "normal" but PERHAPS something she avoids DUE TO her anxiety...... which is why I wanted to encourage her.

 

Just as you seem to be an extrovert magnet, I tend to be an introvert magnet. They are drawn to me, and also if we're in a social setting and I see someone alone, I will always reach out to make them comfortable. If they truly don't want to socialize, I don't think they'd be there. ;) It's usually appreciated, and I hate to see a shy person be ignored.

 

I don't mean to disrespect anyone who truly WANTS to be alone. But if some are alone due to a social anxiety, I do want to gently encourage them to get beyond that.

 

I used to have a confrontation anxiety. Anytime I'd have to confront someone (and there were times it could NOT be avoided as a mother) I'd have an anxiety attack. It was horrid, embarrassing, and excruciating. I had to get over it and sometimes if I have to bring up something hard or difficult I can feel the ugly anxiety head resurface, but I'm largely healed now simply from having to become more comfortable in my own skin to be able to stand up to someone.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I sit at the pool and listen to these women go on and on about every little insipid thing under the sun, and they never stop talking! Makes me nuts!

 

I feel the same way about some groups of women, but I would not say I'm anti-social. I love getting together with my women friends and going to scrapbooking crops. I prefer not to talk much about "every little insipid thing under the sun", though. I do know what you mean because I am subjected to it at the pool, soccer games, pickup time at school, etc. I think there is a big difference between being anti-social and wanting your relations with other people to be meaningful rather than superficial.

[MariannNOVA]

Well it's good to see that I am in good company.

 

My family thinks I'm some sort of freak because I just can't seem to be bothered with anyone and I don't covet lots of close friendships.

 

Now I'm very happy with my home and my family and I feel like that's enough for me. Everyone else seems to think there needs to be EXTRA PEOPLE in addition to your family.

 

I just don't see the point, and I'm certainly not interested in exerting the effort it takes to maintain a decent friendship. I guess I'm lazy that way.

 

I simply despise the telephone. If it were up to me, I'd disconnect it all together, but I do have to make the occasional phone call for business purposes, etc . . . but there is absolutely NO chatting on that phone. I don't do chat.

 

THIS is me to a T! In an earlier thread about the missing legos and my son, someone here posted (and I thought it was a point very well made) that she has no desire to be part of the 'drama' that others seem to need to have in their lives -- That is me as well.

[Denisemomof4]

let me add that while I'm a social extrovert with lots of friends, I absolutely CRAVE TIME ALONE. I absolutely NEED it for my SANITY (if I have some left;) ) and my favorite time is my time spent at home alone with my family.

 

I'm really sorry if I offended anyone and please don't erroneously think I'm saying, "If only you could be more like me!" Trust me - I would never wish that upon ANYONE. :D

[TCoppock]

Did you have friends when you were younger? Do you have siblings you keep in contact with?

 

I had very few friends growing up. It's kind of funny, I was a cheer leader and considered popular but I never really socialized with many people.

 

 

 

I guess I'm asking, do you feel like you're missing something? Do you WISH you had friends but can't get beyond the anxiety of it?

 

I honestly have to say I am fine without friends. Thinking about it I do have one friend. We have known each other for almost 10 years now but have only gotten together about 5 times for dinner. We email about 2 times a year.

 

Maybe the chattering of others irritates you because you don't know how to small talk or make personal connections due to your anxiety? I don't know, I'm just trying to help you think from another POV.

 

It honestly the noise itself that bothers me. I like quiet. Maybe this has to do with growing up with 4 other siblings.

 

 

I know it probably doesn't make sense to many people but I prefer being alone quiet in my thoughts, reading a book, or searching for information online.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I have found my people! When I was going through college I hated the thought of a weekend alone, I thought it meant there was something wrong with me. But now in my age and wisdom, I am embracing the fact that I like being alone. I am able to keep myself entertained exactly how I want to.

 

I do welcome a night out with old work friends or a weekend visit from a lifelong friend, but I have no qualms being alone and am perfectly happy that way.

 

I know you mean well, but this is exactly the kind of thing I try to not take to heart. It feels like you are saying "if only you would be more like me (extroverted) you would be so much happier". I'm not unhappy. (I know I can't speak for every introverts happiness level.)

 

Yes, you can most definitely speak for me as an introvert. I very much resent the notion that because I am quiet, there is something wrong with me. I have a friend who is very outgoing and has a daughter who is very shy. She has started enrolling her daughter in beauty pageants to help her become more outgoing, and it makes me cringe. How much of a stronger message can you send to your kid that she needs to be "fixed"? Why not just accept her for who she is?

 

Anyway, sorry to veer so far off-topic. But extroverts, please know that introverts usually have long internal dialogs going on, and that sometimes we wish you would keep your dialog internal as well. Especially when it comes to telling us how to be.

[elegantlion]

I'm not sure exactly how to respond to this. It's complicated, much too complicated to type on a message board.

 

I don't have any friends from years and years ago because I was in a different school every couple of years and my parents were sort of religious fanatics so we were isolated a lot of the time. We were not encouraged to maintain long term friendships with people when we moved away . . . we were encouraged to embrace the "new adventure." I think I may have taken it a bit too far and now it's backfired on me. ;) It's the nature of my military upbringing. I'm not saying that every military family's experience was like that, but mine certainly was.

 

Also, I don't see myself as unhappy. I am completely satisfied with the family I've been blessed with. I think we have just the right size family with just the proper family dynamics.

 

I mostly feel anxiety when I am forced to reach out and I don't want to. I'm not sure if this is a "social anxiety" or if it's just natural to feel anxiety when one is forced outside of their comfort zone. I mean, would you feel stress if you were forced to spend hours and hours alone? I would not. I LOVE time alone and crave it when I've been forced to spend time with others for too long a period of time.

 

I also get very frustrated when I have to make small talk. I am not good at it, I receive no joy from it, and just can't really be bothered with it. I am not unkind or unpleasant, as far as I can see . . . I just am not chatty. I don't really do chat.

 

I'm not sure what my point is. I am not unhappy. I am happy. I'm over thinking something is WRONG with me because I don't CRAVE other friendships. I CRAVE to be accepted for who I am without having to explain WHY outside friendships are not important to me. There really is no why . . . it's just because that's who I am.

 

As one who knows you through your blog and here may I say I find you you to be a lovely and kind woman who is encouraging and insightful.

 

 

I'm not the most social person either. An introvert by nature I feel most comfortable around people I already know. I stepped out of my comfort zone yesterday and soon realized I was the only adult in the room not engaged in small talk. I knew no one there, made a few friendly attempts and felt okay with that.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

You know, I do have ONE concern with my introverted ways:

 

I'm afraid that when I die, no one will come to my funeral to miss me because I never bothered to be close to anyone.

 

I know it sounds silly, because I'll be dead and won't be feeling much of anything :lol: . . . but that is what causes me the most anxiety and stress. I want to feel like my life MATTERS, but not many people know what kind of food I like, what my favorite color is, or even that I exist outside of being my son's Mom.

 

Now . . . where's the thread for that therapy session? I'm all over that. Have couch, will travel. :D

[elegantlion]

You know, I do have ONE concern with my introverted ways:

 

I'm afraid that when I die, no one will come to my funeral to miss me because I never bothered to be close to anyone.

 

I know it sounds silly, because I'll be dead and won't be feeling much of anything :lol: . . . but that is what causes me the most anxiety and stress. I want to feel like my life MATTERS, but not many people know what kind of food I like, what my favorite color is, or even that I exist outside of being my son's Mom.

 

Now . . . where's the thread for that therapy session? I'm all over that. Have couch, will travel. :D

 

I've thought of that as well. My bigger fear is that someone who speaks at my funeral needs to know me well. I don't care if it's a pastor, or my family, but someone who knows who I really was. I've been to a few funerals where the pastor speaking did not know the person and was going off info from the family. I knew the pastor well and he was sweaty and winging it, that felt sad.

[lgm]

I'm an introvert..I find the normal superficial chit-chat just saps my energies and bores me so I avoid it. At family gatherings, I play games with my kids rather than listen to the women re-tell lengthy inconsequential stories. I just don't care to maintain my attention that long on something so silly. Same with most pity parties about life's little setbacks...if they have to go on about it, I refer 'em to a counselor and make my goodbyes.... I know too many people who are truly in need of help that I'd rather spend my time helping them than listening to someone who made a poor choice and is mad about having to live with it.

When I'm around interesting people that are intellectually stimulating, I'm happy. If none are around to be friends with...well, I"m happier by myself.

[Happy]

I feel the same way about some groups of women, but I would not say I'm anti-social. I love getting together with my women friends and going to scrapbooking crops. I prefer not to talk much about "every little insipid thing under the sun", though. I do know what you mean because I am subjected to it at the pool, soccer games, pickup time at school, etc. I think there is a big difference between being anti-social and wanting your relations with other people to be meaningful rather than superficial.

 

So how do you get to meaningful without a lot of interaction? Sometimes that chatter is a getting to know you dance that leads to deeper friendships. I realize getting past chatter takes some doing, but I can assure you I'm not going to open up until I trust you...that includes chats about education, politics, and other life issues.

 

I'm an introvert who taught herself how to be an extrovert. In my former life as a business owner, I had to learn to relate to people or I'd be out of business. I can speak to a crowd or a single individual, perform in dramas, and make conversation in the church foyer because I learned how. After I'm 'ON" for a while, I must have quiet, private time to myself. Lots of it.

 

It's not that everyone wants an introvert to change...it's just that it is uncomfortable to be in contact with someone who doesn't interact well. I'm trying to say this as clearly and gently as I can because I don't want to come across as unkind. Being near someone who won't talk in a social situation is uncomfortable...is the person sad? Unhappy? Mad?

 

We recently had a wedding in our family. The bride's dad and step mom came and hardly spoke a word to anyone. Yes, I knew they were quiet, but they really unnerved a lot of people. Including me. We can't help but wonder what was going on inside their minds.

 

One of the signs of depression is being quiet and withdrawn. Can we help it if we see introverts and want to help? Even if help isn't required? We are just trying to reach out as we'd like someone to do for us if needed.

 

Learning how to talk to people from all walks of life is a social grace. It used to be a sign of a well educated person. It is a skill that can be learned. (lots of books out there.)

 

I'm not making my point (whatever it is) very clear. Sorry about that. I don't mean to be unkind or judgemental. Just please don't get mad at someone that wants to help...there are times when someone does want that help and friendship. If you don't, that's cool.

[sparrow]

Interesting thread. I don't consider myself anti social, but I am introverted. I don't find it to be a bad thing. Can you imagine if *everyone* was an extrovert?!

 

I have several friends. I see each of them about a half dozen times a year. Facebook has been wonderful for maintaining these friendships and reigniting some old ones.

 

In my experience, face to face social interactions drain me after extended periods of time. I just kind of mentally "check out". It's very strange. I'll be fine at the beginning of homeschool functions or 4-H, chatting and catching up, but about an hour to an hour and a half in, I find myself day dreaming and I'm completely out of the conversation loop. I see my son doing the same thing :). My daughter, um, not so much :D. BUT, she is very shy! My son, not shy at all! Aren't human beings interesting?

[Tree House Academy]

I am the complete opposite of an introvert IRL. I will chat with anyone, love to talk on the phone with friends, etc. I have always been very social and talkative. I guess that would explain the 3700+ posts her in just over a year, huh?

[lionfamily1999]

When times are easy I'm glad to only have my dh and close family to rely on as friends. When things are tough (or dh/my family) are the problem, I weep for the lack of a support circle.

 

My biggest problem, irl, is that I chatter in public. I get anxious and nervous and the next thing I know I'm loud and the center of attention and I can.not.shut.up.

 

It's a great problem. It means that the people who "know" me (as their den leader or kid's soccer coach or from 4H) all think I am the most out going on top of the world girl ever! In reality, I hate being in public and once I get home I want to crawl under my bed and hide till dh gets home and I can say "why do you let me leave the house?"

[swimmermom3]

You know, I do have ONE concern with my introverted ways:

 

I'm afraid that when I die, no one will come to my funeral to miss me because I never bothered to be close to anyone.

 

I know it sounds silly, because I'll be dead and won't be feeling much of anything :lol: . . . but that is what causes me the most anxiety and stress. I want to feel like my life MATTERS, but not many people know what kind of food I like, what my favorite color is, or even that I exist outside of being my son's Mom.

 

Now . . . where's the thread for that therapy session? I'm all over that. Have couch, will travel. :D

 

Sorry ladies but this mixed bag of introverted/extroverted has to send :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. There are several of you on this thread whose posts I recognize and find to be intelligent, witty, and utterly refreshing. Your presence would be missed here. Now, if any of you were to meet me in irl, please do not return the hugs, I'd flinch. It's not that I don't like you, it's just that you are...well, in my space. May you all have a lovely day and know that you do matter. very much. just the way you are.

[Happy]

I think extroverts and introverts can have a difficult time interacting, but I don't think the definition of introversion is one who has difficulty interacting.

 

I have no problem interacting, I choose not to. I'm not shy.

 

Sometimes hard to tell the difference from out here.

 

I'll have to think on the uses of these words...interesting the way you put it.

 

Your response makes me think 'snobby' and I don't at all think that's what you intend to put across.

 

Maybe I'm really reading some IRL folks wrong,too.

 

I appreciate the discussion, ladies. I'm learning.

[lionfamily1999]

Sometimes hard to tell the difference from out here.

 

I'll have to think on the uses of these words...interesting the way you put it.

 

Your response makes me think 'snobby' and I don't at all think that's what you intend to put across.

 

Maybe I'm really reading some IRL folks wrong,too.

 

I appreciate the discussion, ladies. I'm learning.

Snobby is applied to introverts all the time.

[MariannNOVA]

Now, if any of you were to meet me in irl, please do not return the hugs, I'd flinch. It's not that I don't like you, it's just that you are...well, in my space.

 

Oh my! (excuse the exclaimation points). I do not hug anyone (except my own kids, dh and my nieces (my sister's kids), one or two cousins, my grand-daughters, ummmmmmmmmm, I think that's it.

 

I am NOT a superficial, obligatory or perfunctory hugger or kisser -- I typically do not want anyone touching me. One of the Christian schools I taught at three years ago had alot of huggers ('c'mon, let me give you a hug' :leaving:) - I got the message out loud and clear right fron the start that people were to stay 'back, back' from me -- nothing against them, just that I was not a hugger. Some of them were offended (like I cared) and the others understood and respected my request that they not (most of the time) out of the blue, start hugging. My sister was dealing with breast cancer at the time, and I did share alot at devotions -- I greatly appreciated the women who figured out a way to express compassion without having to touch me. At the school where I taught last year, I made it clear from the instant I walked in the door that I was NOT a hugger --totally different group of people who verbalized how much they respected me for saying that....and a few who agreed with me that they didn't care for the physical hug either.

 

It does, however, drive dh nuts that I will not hug his parents -- I have explained over and over again (in fact, I am done explaining -- they need to get over it) that I am not one who hugs, and I don't feel any compelling to hug his parents when they arrive or leave -- dh says 'blah, blah, blah.....they drove three hours :auto:,' I replied that I would give them a gas card.:lol:

 

We attended dh's uncle's birthday party a couple of months ago -- the 'hugging' issue was not a problem - apparently MIL had told all 200 guests that they should not hug me -- dh says that the look on my face :glare: would have been enough to get the message across -- that's fine with me.

 

And, thanks for your kind words in your response about my dd asking me if I was in third grade in the 1800s.

[tdeveson]

My family actually harasses me all the time about not answering my phone or emails. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and am wondering if that is just pinned on anyone who is an introvert. Does anyone else here feel the way I do??

 

That could be me. I don't have any diagnosis -- I've never been to a doctor for it -- I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I don't pick up the phone when I'm busy or not in the mood for chat because the phone is there for my convenience, not the convenience of the caller. Innane chatter drives me nuts. I can't sit still on the phone while someone else disgorges their entire personal life on me. Some of my friends find that peculiar -- they live to know other people's secrets. I'm just not that interested. If a close friend has an issue they want to talk about, that's great. If they want to have an energy vampire session where they dump and I have to listen, they're SOL.

 

I'm also not a social butterfly. I have a few close friends and that's all I need. I go out of the house much less than other people do. I stay at home and pretty much only go out when I have chores or when I'm taking ds to one of his activities. I also have great date nights with my husband and from time to time I entertain at home. I have full time help and it's somebody else's job to go grocery shopping, etc.

 

I get teased about being anti-social, but I don't think I am. I'm just busy and I pick and choose my activities. My favorite one is to stay home with a book.

[MariannNOVA]

snobby comes to mind as well. I'm not snobby. I imagine I could come across that way though.

 

Yup, I think that the overwhelming opinion is that I am a snob or snobby -- that is not the case at all -- it is just my personal space (don't want to be hugged), and I am not one for inane chit chat to pass the time. Cool, standoffish, whatever --

[tdeveson]

I'm a hugger because that's the way I was raised. We live in Miami where at least half the population is Hispanic, including me. Hispanics hug -- it's like shaking hands for Anglos.

 

My husband is Canadian (Anglo) and he shakes hands with his Dad. The first time I saw that, I was appalled at the cold, impersonal greeting after months of not seeing him. I learned that this is just a cultural thing -- they love each other very much, they just don't show it. My male cousins all hug and kiss their fathers when they greet, even after just a day or two. And of course, the women kiss and hug everybody.

 

Now that dh has been thoroughly Cubanized after all these years with me in Miami, he hugs and kisses ds each time he comes from work and for every greeting. Actually, the hug is more like opening his arms and bracing himself while ds throttles across the room and throws himself at his dad, but you get my drift.

 

Here in Miami, the Anglos have adapted to our huggy/kissy nature. When we entertain at home or go to someone else's house, all the American husbands know to hug and kiss their wives' friends. Half of them are married to Hispanics. ;)

 

From time to time we have a new family in our homeschool group who has come from up north and hasn't been exposed to the Latin love fest. They learn quickly and no one seems to mind. It's just a quick hug and perhaps a peck on the cheek if you're close friends.

 

Anyway - the point is that I've found hugging to be a very culturally-based thing. So even though I'm considered "antisocial" by some people's standards, I still hug and kiss my friends and their partners.

 

As an aside, some months ago I saw a photo of John Travolta at the base of the stairs of his airplane, hugging and kissing a man. There were "gay" remarks and lots of snide innuendo. When I saw the photo, I thought, "Good grief -- I see this sort of thing all the time when my family gets together." Old friends hug and kiss -- even men. Then I remembered that Travolta is Italian -- Latin like me.

Edited September 4, 2009 by tdeveson

[MariannNOVA]

Anyway - the point is that I've found hugging to be a very culturally-based thing. QUOTE]

 

:iagree: I am Italian --I just don't like to hug everybody. Dh explains it to me precisely the way you wrote about it being a cultural thing, and :iagree: with both of you.

[tdeveson]

I know it probably doesn't make sense to many people but I prefer being alone quiet in my thoughts, reading a book, or searching for information online.

 

Makes perfect sense to me.

[Remudamom]

Aside from my family and a very few friends I prefer horses and chickens.

[Mommy22alyns]

I think that would be me.

 

The thing is, if I know you, I can chat just fine. But I am so painfully uncomfortable around other people that I don't know. I dread going to the girls' gymnastics classes and sitting in the lobby with 12 people who know each other but act like I don't exist.

 

I'd rather go online than make a phone call. I'd rather look something up in a book than ask a question of a person. I'd rather chat on facebook than on the phone. But at the same time, I'd rather not even chat on fb 99% of the time. It feels like a burden. I like these message boards where I can come and go and talk as I please. :D

[sleepymommy]

Definitely anti-social over here. It's not that I don't like people. I just don't like small talk and after moving 7 times in 6 years, it's pretty hard to make friends with others without some small talk.

 

I have a hard time feeling comfortable around others too. My dh and ds1 are incredibly social people. With dh it's fine, when we go places he's the one chatting people up. But it's hard with ds1, I prefer to stay at home, but I know he needs to be out socializing and interacting so I try to force myself out of the house for these things.

 

Dh even tries making friends with other people FOR ME! It's quite embarrassing actually.

[sparrow]

Aside from my family and a very few friends I prefer horses and chickens.

 

 

For me, it is cats (and my chickens aren't so bad either). Yes, crazy cat lady is a distinct possibility for me, I'm afraid ;).

[swimmermom3]

Aside from my family and a very few friends I prefer horses and chickens.

 

If people could pin their ears back, it would be so much easier to figure out where some of them are coming from, without having to deal with the words.

[forevergrace]

I know how you feel, because I honestly feel the same way. I remember (5-6 years ago) I use to go out, have friends, enjoy dinners w/my husband, and then I started homeschooling.

 

Friends disappeared, our wants were totally different. Then it became tiresome to even to talk on the phone. I really thought this was because I was just getting older. I now think it's called, burn-out from homeschooling.

 

I'm feeling frustrated myself right now, so excuse me!! Difficult day w/my daughter and division. She suppose to sleep over at her best friend's house, and I was so looking forward to free time w/my husband. After all the fighting to get our work done, guess what? I'm exhausted!!

 

I honestly believe people don't realize how much work we put into educating our children. I'm feeling really old today, and my birthday is this month, but I swear I feel older then 43 sometimes. What has happened to me????

Sorry, this turned into my crap!!

[justamouse]

We're Latino/Italian and my family--I should say my Mom- is a hugger. Drives me UP A WALL. I used to not mind, and I DO greet my family with hugs and kisses, but I make myself do it for them.

 

I found that since I had the twins (7 yeas ago) and now have all the other littles I'm just touched out. (this does not include my Dh of course-he is my solace and snuggling up to him is therapy). And I hug those kids and kiss them all day long. But other than my immediate family, I don't want to be touched.

 

And I'm anti social to a point. I love forums, I *hate* the phone. I don't prefer to go out. An evening with a book is heaven.

[briansmama]

This is an interesting thread- and something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

 

I've really changed since having children. I used to have a lot of friends, and really needed to have a lot of interaction and plans to go out.

 

Since having my first child I've become much more introverted. I LOVE my downtime and frankly, I'm already so busy with two young boys, that adding more outside obligations really stresses me out.

 

I love the days when we don't have any other outside plans besides the usual things necessary to keep our home running smoothly.

 

It's becoming a problem though because my friends and sisters are constantly mentioning their annoyance with the fact that I do not answer my phone. Honestly, as soon as I do, my boys get into a fight, or if my younger ds is napping, I really just want that precious time to myself.

[SapphireStitch]

I'm always thankful when a thread similar to this comes along, because it helps me realize yet again that I am not abnormal.

 

I'm not a big fan of Myers-Briggs typing, or any other scheme of categorizing people for that matter, but it was helpful for me to take that test as objectively as I could and realize that there were others out there like me. Now instead of trying to be something I'm not, I've started telling people I'm introverted. It doesn't mean I'm shy (I was shy as a child, but not now) and it doesn't mean I'm snobby, and it doesn't always mean I'm silent in public. It just means that being with other people drains me rather than recharges me, and I'm getting old enough now not to care if that makes some women not like me. :glare:

 

Tomorrow is Sunday and we have a morning and evening church service. I will stand up during the mid-service "fellowship" time and shake hands with people and make small-talk. Then I will do it again after the service. I will talk to people I know well and we will discuss things silly and light, and we will also talk about very important things. These are my brothers and sisters in faith and I love them.

 

By time for the evening service I will have to force myself to get in the car and go, because it will mean having to talk to all those same people again and we've already said anything that needed to be said. I will worship the Lord, and I will listen to the sermon and hopefully hear what God means me to hear, and I will "fellowship"...but the fellowship will not renew me like it seems to renew others. Then there's Wednesday night service...but I won't get started on that particular rant today.

 

I wish there was some way to make extroverted people understand that introverts do not feel gloomy and sad and snobby. We don't hate people, we aren't just fat and lazy, we aren't agorophobic crazy cat ladies. We just respond differently than extroverts do to being with other people.

[Peela]

I'm an introvert and fairly anti social myself.

However, I do have lots of friends. I just don't see them very often. Mainly because I don't want to go out in the evening (I am an early morning person- late nights really throw me, as well as the fact that by evening I just want to be quiet and get into my pajamas), and during the day I homeschool.

Obviously we are all different.

However....I have learned that if it gets too extreme, its not too healthy for me. Its better if I maintain a small and discriminating social life. It nourishes me.

I also think its better to be stretched a little.

I organised a weekly yoga class with a girlfriend a couple of months ago...otherwise, I just wouldnt make the effort. But that class is good for me, good for my bad back, and great for catching up with a friend afterwards. Its not a shallow friendship.

A good girlfriend is worth her weight in gold. Someone to share your deepest feelings with. Not someone to avoid your own company with, or chat about superficial things just because you like to chat for no reason. Its a deep connection.

So while I really do like my own company a lot, and will happily turn down many social engagements that just dont interest me, I dont like to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and I do value good friendships.

 

Here is something that landed in my inbox yesterday:

 

 

 

UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN

 

By Gale Berkowitz

 

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They

 

shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner

 

world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we

 

really are. By the way, they may do even more.

 

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually

 

counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a

 

daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress

 

with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain

 

friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has turned five

 

decades of stress research most of it on men upside down.

 

"Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when

 

people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body

 

to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible," explains Laura

 

Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at

 

Penn State University and one of the study's authors. "It's an ancient

 

survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet

 

by saber-toothed tigers.

 

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire

 

than just "fight or flight."

 

"In fact," says Dr. Klein, "it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is

 

released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the "fight

 

or flight" response and encourages her to tend children and gather with

 

other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or

 

befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further

 

counters stress and produces a calming effect.

 

This calming response does not occur in men", says Dr. Klein, "because

 

testosterone which men produce in high levels when they're under stress

 

seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen", she adds, "seems to

 

enhance it."

 

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in

 

a classic "aha!" moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one

 

day in a lab at UCLA. "There was this joke that when the women who worked in

 

the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and

 

bonded", says Dr. Klein." When the men were stressed, they holed up

 

somewhere on their own.

 

I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of

 

the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the

 

two of us knew instantly that we were onto something." The women cleared

 

their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from

 

various research specialties. Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered

 

that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge

 

mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has

 

significant implications for our health.

 

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin

 

encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the

 

"tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain

 

why women consistently outlive men.

 

Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by

 

lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. "There's no doubt,"

 

says Dr. Klein, "that friends are helping us live."

 

In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends

 

increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those

 

who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by

 

more than 60%.

 

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses' Health Study from

 

Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less

 

likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more

 

likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so

 

significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or

 

confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra

 

weight!

 

And that's not all! When the researchers looked at how well the women

 

functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face

 

of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend

 

confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new

 

physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends

 

were not always so fortunate.

 

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our

 

life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why

 

is it so hard to find time to be with them? That's a question that also

 

troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author ofBest Friends:

 

The Pleasures and Perils of Girls and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers

 

Press, 1998). "Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first

 

thing we do is let go of friendships with other women," explains Dr.

 

Josselson. "We push them right to the back burner. That's really a mistake

 

because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one

 

another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the

 

special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women.

 

It's a very healing experience."

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T.

 

L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Female Responses to Stress: Tend

 

and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html

 

 

[LibraryLover]

You remind me of one of my sisters (46). She has no friends, and we sisters have all talked about how it's good she has family. She needs people to be predictable: there cannot be any surprises. (That would be her sisters. Boring Are Us lol).

 

I think she has a good life, and she has nice adult children (she's been divored for about 17 years). When she wants to go out, she calls us, and we go out and have fun. Some people only need one or two people. If that's you, that's ok. She has polite relationships with the people she works wiith, and that seems to suit her fine.

Edited September 6, 2009 by LibraryLover

[s.z.ichigo]

OP sounds like me, as well. I have zero real-life friends. I barely even have any acquaintances. I can't stand the majority of my in-laws and none of them live close anyway. My own family is across the country and is really small.

I have several close on-line friends who I've seen irl a bunch of times. But nobody I see or hang out with regularly. I would like to, if I could find anyone I could stand to be around. But anytime I see women together at a playground or something, they just stand around like cackling hens, talking about stuff I have less than zero interest in. I will never ever ever be one of the mini-van-driving soccer-mom crowd. I don't care about hair or makeup or nails or fashion or American Idol or any other topics of their insipid conversations. None of the people I talk to online are even parents, actually.

I'm not anti-social. I would have friends if I thought I could find any. There are no homeschool groups out here that I know of....and while there are a few "mommies get together" groups, that seems to me to be exactly the sort of thing I'd want to avoid.

[LibraryLover]

OP sounds like me, as well. I have zero real-life friends. I barely even have any acquaintances. I can't stand the majority of my in-laws and none of them live close anyway. My own family is across the country and is really small.

I have several close on-line friends who I've seen irl a bunch of times. But nobody I see or hang out with regularly. I would like to, if I could find anyone I could stand to be around. But anytime I see women together at a playground or something, they just stand around like cackling hens, talking about stuff I have less than zero interest in. I will never ever ever be one of the mini-van-driving soccer-mom crowd. I don't care about hair or makeup or nails or fashion or American Idol or any other topics of their insipid conversations. None of the people I talk to online are even parents, actually.

I'm not anti-social. I would have friends if I thought I could find any. There are no homeschool groups out here that I know of....and while there are a few "mommies get together" groups, that seems to me to be exactly the sort of thing I'd want to avoid.

 

As a mini-van -driving soccer mom (my 10 yr old plays town soccer), I would be able to talk to you about much more than American Idol or nails. I've had pretty nice conversations with other mothers at the soccer field. Some of the moms I've met there are pretty smart /decent. It's not that we're best buddies, all of us, but we talk about our kids, books, movies, town politics etc.

[babysparkler]

I have found my people!

 

My words exactly! :grouphug:

[TraceyS/FL]

I admit, snobby comes to my mind as well. I'm not snobby. I imagine I could come across that way though.

 

I get teased about being anti-social, but I don't think I am. I'm just busy and I pick and choose my activities. My favorite one is to stay home with a book.

 

I know it probably doesn't make sense to many people but I prefer being alone quiet in my thoughts, reading a book, or searching for information online.

 

..snip..

 

Now instead of trying to be something I'm not, I've started telling people I'm introverted. It doesn't mean I'm shy (I was shy as a child, but not now) and it doesn't mean I'm snobby, and it doesn't always mean I'm silent in public. It just means that being with other people drains me rather than recharges me, and I'm getting old enough now not to care if that makes some women not like me. :glare:

 

..snip..

 

I wish there was some way to make extroverted people understand that introverts do not feel gloomy and sad and snobby. We don't hate people, we aren't just fat and lazy, we aren't agorophobic crazy cat ladies. We just respond differently than extroverts do to being with other people.

 

:iagree:

 

There is a HUGE disparity in this between my STBXH (and his family) and I. They all seem to crave people... i have no issue sitting at home reading a book (this post will be brought up in a court of law in my divorce BTW).

 

I have some very close friends. Unfortunately none of them live close by right now. But that doesn't make them not close friends either.

 

I don't sit and home and wallow because i don't have a long list of places to go and people to see - it's just not me. Never ever has been. Heck, my roommates in college had a party - i went to bed at 10pm. With 1/2 the football team in my apartment... it just wasn't ME.

 

But the biggest conflict does come from extroverts not understanding that we ARE happy with our lives and not having full dance cards :tongue_smilie:

 

And, adding to the issue around here is that STBXH and his family don't see how much my oldest is like me in this way.

 

ANYWAY, glad there are others that share the fun of a weekend reading a book! LOL!!

[TraceyS/FL]

I don't think she meant that others are incapable of serious conversation, it is that others don't tend to engage in it. There is always this sort of "dance" that people engage in when they first meet other people. Introverts are aware of the dance, they just don't want to dance. Because the dance for the introvert involves extra steps that the extrovert doesn't seem to need to take. When I talk I like to think about what I am going to say. I'm not suggesting extroverts don't think about what they are going to say. Maybe the small talk is the extroverts filler as they think.

 

It's really hard to put these thoughts into words.

 

But i'm betting all of us introverts know exactly what you are getting at! :tongue_smilie:

[calandalsmom]

I think much of what is described in this thread is terribly unhealthy and would fit the actua definition of anti social.

 

I think what the OP describes could probably be helped enormously with medication.

 

Its not good normal or healthy to be irritated by human interaction.