Is anyone else here anti-social??

[farmgirlinwv]

I think much of what is described in this thread is terribly unhealthy and would fit the actua definition of anti social.

 

I think what the OP describes could probably be helped enormously with medication.

 

Its not good normal or healthy to be irritated by human interaction.

 

Good grief! This really annoys me. Just because people are happy just being w/ their own family and do not need outside friendships does not mean they need to be medicated!

 

I love being w/ my family. I do not need a best friend to do everything w/ and chat on the phone w/. Some people ENJOY being alone. It is not a sickness nor is there anything wrong w/ it.

[calandalsmom]

Good grief! This really annoys me. Just because people are happy just being w/ their own family and do not need outside friendships does not mean they need to be medicated!

 

I love being w/ my family. I do not need a best friend to do everything w/ and chat on the phone w/. Some people ENJOY being alone. It is not a sickness nor is there anything wrong w/ it.

 

That's not what is being said on this thread. People are expressing a bizarre degree of irritation at other women's chit chat as well as "just being happy with their family."

 

Not normal.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I think much of what is described in this thread is terribly unhealthy and would fit the actua definition of anti social.

 

I think what the OP describes could probably be helped enormously with medication.

 

Its not good normal or healthy to be irritated by human interaction.

 

I actually disagree with the gratuitous taking of medications just to "fit in" with what other people consider normal. I am my own normal. Apparently a lot of people on this thread have their own normal as well. No medications necessary. ;)

 

Now if someone is unhappy, and wants to change, perhaps a medical intervention may be necessary for them. I do not begrudge anyone their happiness. This thread is about people who are happy just the way we are.

[TraceyS/FL]

That's not what is being said on this thread. People are expressing a bizarre degree of irritation at other women's chit chat as well as "just being happy with their family."

 

Not normal.

 

So on the flip side, it's NORMAL to NOT be happy just being around your family and to go out with friends and not be with your family a significant amount of time?

 

Because, i find that ABNORMAL. That a person wants to go out drinking and such with friends instead of being with family.....

 

Anyway, personally i'm not irritated by chit chat, i might not like to hve to make it all the time.

 

AND, then i wonder how many of us are walking around with an Auditory Processing Problem... (because i have 2 kids with it and keep reading about it) It certainly can play into this too.

 

But i see no need for meds when my life causes me no anxiety, and i have no issues being social when needed. I just don't NEED to be that way all the time.

 

Why can't "our way" be normal, and the rest of you need the meds??? :tongue_smilie:

[iluvmy4blessings]

I do relate to this. I have always been this way by nature. I don't like anyone coming to my home unexpectedly. For example, people who like to just "pop in". The people that are my friends know now that they better contact me first or there's a likely chance they'll be knocking forever. I refuse to answer the door unless it's the UPS guy or whoever is coming over has contacted me first and asked for permission. I know that sounds odd to some, but that is just the way I am. I also hate the phone ringing. I will email and text though. This is the primary way my friends/family contact me if they ever hope to get in touch with me. This is going to sound weird to some people, but I believe that email/text gives more respect to the person you are contacting. It allows me to respond in my own time and on my own schedule. Phone calls and doorbells are intrusive and feel like suprise attacks. So I screen all my calls. I never answer the phone unless it's my mother! Everyone who knows me in real life knows that if you want to get in touch with me you will have to leave a message first. Then I will return to the call when I"m in the right mindset to talk. I don't like talking on the phone. I've had people tell me they were trying to call for days! Well, leave a message. I don't respond unless someone leaves a message. The people that know me understand this is how I work. They leave a message and generally I call back right away. I also respond to email very quickly. I actually love to email. My best friend from college and I still email daily. We might write novels to each other. We email 4 or 5 times a day. Yet we almost never speak on the phone!

 

I will say this. After my divorce, I discovered that I had no friends and this spelled trouble for me since I did not live near family. Without my husband to depend on, I was up the creek. My husband was my best friend but when he left me, I realized I had no one. This is when I discovered the value of friendships. Until then, I did not really appreciate it. Now I make an effort to reach out. I still have my hangups, but I do try a lot harder than before. I have always been a friendly person. I just never made the extra effort to forge deeper friendships. Now I make efforts in that direction.

Edited September 6, 2009 by iluvmy4blessings

[calandalsmom]

So on the flip side, it's NORMAL to NOT be happy just being around your family and to go out with friends and not be with your family a significant amount of time?

 

Because, i find that ABNORMAL. That a person wants to go out drinking and such with friends instead of being with family.....

 

Anyway, personally i'm not irritated by chit chat, i might not like to hve to make it all the time.

 

AND, then i wonder how many of us are walking around with an Auditory Processing Problem... (because i have 2 kids with it and keep reading about it) It certainly can play into this too.

 

But i see no need for meds when my life causes me no anxiety, and i have no issues being social when needed. I just don't NEED to be that way all the time.

 

Why can't "our way" be normal, and the rest of you need the meds??? :tongue_smilie:

 

 

No one is saying its weird to like your family or to like alone time. No one should NEED to be surrounded by friends or saquaintances all the time either.

 

Some of the opinions expressed on this thread are extreme and they are unhealthy.

[TCoppock]

I think much of what is described in this thread is terribly unhealthy and would fit the actua definition of anti social.

 

I think what the OP describes could probably be helped enormously with medication.

 

Its not good normal or healthy to be irritated by human interaction.

 

:confused: Yikes! I honestly don't feel unhealthy or abnormal because I prefer to be alone. I am actually a functioning professional that excels at my career which requires very close human interaction. I am NOT unhappy about the life I have chosen and wonder why people feel the need to label or fix me. I understand there are people that don't interact with others out of fear but there are far more that don't interact with others out of choice.

[JFSinIL]

I so prefer to not have to make idle conversation or chat...am not good at it and would rather read a book or poke around on the computer or watch a DVD....I prefer to have my head in a book at mealtime, too - talking and eating is disgusting to me.

[ChristusG]

I think that would be me.

 

The thing is, if I know you, I can chat just fine. But I am so painfully uncomfortable around other people that I don't know. I dread going to the girls' gymnastics classes and sitting in the lobby with 12 people who know each other but act like I don't exist.

 

I'd rather go online than make a phone call. I'd rather look something up in a book than ask a question of a person. I'd rather chat on facebook than on the phone. But at the same time, I'd rather not even chat on fb 99% of the time. It feels like a burden. I like these message boards where I can come and go and talk as I please. :D

 

You just described me exactly!!! When DD took dance, I'd sit in the lobby reading a book or surfing the net on my iPhone while everyone else chattered away. I always ask DH to make phone calls for me if he is available. I can do it with no problem, but I just prefer him to. I cringe when someone IM's me on Facebook. And I loooove being active on message boards because I can come, I can go, I can answer a thread, or I do not have to answer a thread, I can PM if I need to talk to someone, etc.

[Guest janainaz]

Well, I guess this kind-of describes me. I hate answering the phone and I hate calling people, other than my sister. I'd rather communicate through email. I have a few friends out-of-state that I love talking to and wish they were closer. I just can't seem to find anyone I click with in real life.

 

I want friends, but really don't have any and often feel I'm a bit on the outside. I can be very shy, it just depends on the situation. Some people I'm instantly comfortable with right away and others (especially quiet people) make me really uncomfortable and I have nothing to say and feel pressured to keep the conversation going. I do love getting to know someone and will ask a lot of questions to find out about them. I feel like I'm very real, easy-going and down to earth and yet if I wanted to go to the movies, I'd have no one to call to invite. I've had bad luck with most women in my life and I feel like I pour myself out to get nothing in return. I'm not sure I would label myself anti-social, I'm just shy and sometimes maybe insecure.

[Rebecca77]

I'm an introvert, who feels no need for outside friendships. I'm perfectly content to only be surrounded by my immediate family. I'm not crazy! I decided to stop joining things because of outside pressure. We're involved in nothing this year except church, and I've never felt happier and so at peace. Life is so much better for me and my family and I'm a much nicer mommy to be around.

Edited September 6, 2009 by Rebecca77

[LibraryLover]

I don't think she meant that others are incapable of serious conversation, it is that others don't tend to engage in it. There is always this sort of "dance" that people engage in when they first meet other people. Introverts are aware of the dance, they just don't want to dance. Because the dance for the introvert involves extra steps that the extrovert doesn't seem to need to take. When I talk I like to think about what I am going to say. I'm not suggesting extroverts don't think about what they are going to say. Maybe the small talk is the extroverts filler as they think.

 

It's really hard to put these thoughts into words.

 

I was responding to this:

 

"I would like to, if I could find anyone I could stand to be around. But anytime I see women together at a playground or something, they just stand around like cackling hens, talking about stuff I have less than zero interest in. I will never ever ever be one of the mini-van-driving soccer-mom crowd. I don't care about hair or makeup or nails or fashion or American Idol or any other topics of their insipid conversations".

 

Which doesn't sound like any kind of dance to me. Code- shifting is difficult, but outright assuming all women at the soccer field are 'cackling hens" is quite an extreme stance to take.

 

In the test, I actually come up an Introverted Extrovert. Which is quite interesting, and I agree.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I think much of what is described in this thread is terribly unhealthy and would fit the actua definition of anti social.

 

I think what the OP describes could probably be helped enormously with medication.

 

Its not good normal or healthy to be irritated by human interaction.

 

OK, on the flip side...once upon a time I worked full-time and occasionally went on business trips. I had a co-worker who could NOT be alone. She could not get to the airport by herself, she could not wait in the airport by herself, she could not be on the airplane by herself, and she could not stay in a room by herself. She was very much an extrovert and would be described as warm by many people (she did have that ability to make you feel important when she talked to you, but would often not remember your name 5 minutes later).

 

I find it quite disturbing that this professional woman in her 40s could not stand to be alone for 5 minutes. There is something pathological about that, IMO. But I'm guessing you would never tell this person she needed medication.

 

I am glad that I am able to finally be alone and not feel weird about that. Oh, and I am on medication, have been since 2001 thanks. I think that's what helped me to finally be able to accept myself for who I am.

[calandalsmom]

OK, on the flip side...once upon a time I worked full-time and occasionally went on business trips. I had a co-worker who could NOT be alone. She could not get to the airport by herself, she could not wait in the airport by herself, she could not be on the airplane by herself, and she could not stay in a room by herself. She was very much an extrovert and would be described as warm by many people (she did have that ability to make you feel important when she talked to you, but would often not remember your name 5 minutes later).

 

I find it quite disturbing that this professional woman in her 40s could not stand to be alone for 5 minutes. There is something pathological about that, IMO. But I'm guessing you would never tell this person she needed medication.

 

I am glad that I am able to finally be alone and not feel weird about that. Oh, and I am on medication, have been since 2001 thanks. I think that's what helped me to finally be able to accept myself for who I am.

 

Maybe not meds, but definitely intensive therapy. Had you read further you'd have seen I addressed that in another post.

 

I enjoy alone time.

[novagirl]

Well, I guess this kind-of describes me. I hate answering the phone and I hate calling people, other than my sister. I'd rather communicate through email. I have a few friends out-of-state that I love talking to and wish they were closer. I just can't seem to find anyone I click with in real life.

 

I want friends, but really don't have any and often feel I'm a bit on the outside. I can be very shy, it just depends on the situation. Some people I'm instantly comfortable with right away and others (especially quiet people) make me really uncomfortable and I have nothing to say and feel pressured to keep the conversation going. I do love getting to know someone and will ask a lot of questions to find out about them. I feel like I'm very real, easy-going and down to earth and yet if I wanted to go to the movies, I'd have no one to call to invite. I've had bad luck with most women in my life and I feel like I pour myself out to get nothing in return. I'm not sure I would label myself anti-social, I'm just shy and sometimes maybe insecure.

 

I feel like someone just typed out exactly what I have been feeling!

 

I KNOW I am shy. We have neighborhood block parties once a year. The first years party was a group of people who were born and raised in this little town ,my family and one other new family. The locals sat in a circle together, while we pretty much sat there with the other family. I decided that this year,since I need to get out there a bit more, I would try and talk with the lady down the street who also homeschools. Well, I asked her a few questions, she asked me one and then said "I have to go". Well, what did she do? Check on her children? Nope! She just went and stood behind her husband who was playing a video game next to my husband. I felt like an idiot! My first time trying to get myself out there and I guess I bombed! I only asked her normal questions like what curriculum she uses or if she belongs to any groups? It was hard enough for me to get to GO to the party in the first place because the past years were such bad experiences.

 

Once I get to know someone, they probably would wish I would shut up. It's just hard for me to get the conversation going. I also feel like if "I" don't start a conversation, no one ever is willing to start one up! Agh! I hate that.

Someone mentioned there were lots of books out there for us "shy" people? Got any good titles for me??

[lionfamily1999]

Maybe not meds, but definitely intensive therapy. Had you read further you'd have seen I addressed that in another post.

 

I enjoy alone time.

So, what exactly disturbs you?

 

The idea of someone casting off 'cackling hens' as being someone they do not want to know?

 

One of the things I truly appreciated about becoming an adult is a greater ability to choose with whom I interact. In school, I had to talk to people I would never have chosen to speak with, I had to interact with them. As an adult, I can see someone I may not wish to speak with and I don't have too. I am polite, but I don't feel the need or the pressure to sit and chit-chat. I can open my book and read.

 

What, then, is the issue? That some people choose to not interact?

 

Sure, we could all medicate ourselves into a bleary desire to be one with all mankind, but most people won't, because they're happy with who they are.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Maybe not meds, but definitely intensive therapy. Had you read further you'd have seen I addressed that in another post.

 

I did read further but all I can find is a constant reminder that there is something really wrong with us, including this comment. What, meds aren't enough to fix you and make you just like me? Then you maybe need intensive therapy (not just therapy, but intensive therapy).

 

Maybe we should start posting "Introvert Content" whenever we start a thread like this, so as not to offend all the extroverts.

[calandalsmom]

I did read further but all I can find is a constant reminder that there is something really wrong with us, including this comment. What, meds aren't enough to fix you and make you just like me? Then you maybe need intensive therapy (not just therapy, but intensive therapy).

 

Maybe we should start posting "Introvert Content" whenever we start a thread like this, so as not to offend all the extroverts.

 

I dont think Im the one who was offended here.

 

In this thread are myriad responses which reflect a really bitter view of humanity. If that's your experience, Im sorry. If that's your reality it must be very difficult. But if you find yourself so irritated with others that you choose to rarely leave your home and only surround yourself with family for most of your life you will probably miss out on some wonderful opportunities and friendships.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I dont think Im the one who was offended here.

 

In this thread are myriad responses which reflect a really bitter view of humanity. If that's your experience, Im sorry. If that's your reality it must be very difficult. But if you find yourself so irritated with others that you choose to rarely leave your home and only surround yourself with family for most of your life you will probably miss out on some wonderful opportunities and friendships.

 

I never said you were offended. I was making a tongue-in-cheek comment. I do find it strange that you would venture in here, tell us all that we're broken and suggest how we should fix ourselves, when it seems that you're the one who truly has a problem with our lifestyle.

 

I don't see people that are bitter here. I see people that are comfortable being alone.

 

Personally, my reality is NOT that I am bitter. I do have relationships. I am extremely close to my husband and children. I have 150 friends on Facebook, and I love to keep up with them that way. These are people I've met at various points in my life but with whom I've lost touch. If I really wanted I could have twice that, but I'm only friends with those I actually enjoyed at some point. I also use Facebook as a chance to set up actual face-to-face get-togethers when I'm back in my hometown once a year. I email with my best friend from college quite regularly. I communicate on message boards. I like to meet a friend for a drink every now and then. I have a group I meet with on Wednesdays for lunch. I attend Weight Watchers meetings once a week. I have in-laws visit overnight about once a month. And I enjoy my time in all these interactions. But I also enjoy myself when they've gone away and I can get back to my knitting and my routine and my favorite shows in peace.

 

So I'm not bitter at all. I'm not misanthropic. I just enjoy myself. I think that's the case with most people here in this thread. That's hardly something requiring medication or therapy.

[calandalsmom]

I never said you were offended. I was making a tongue-in-cheek comment. I do find it strange that you would venture in here, tell us all that we're broken and suggest how we should fix ourselves, when it seems that you're the one who truly has a problem with our lifestyle.

 

I don't see people that are bitter here. I see people that are comfortable being alone.

 

Personally, my reality is NOT that I am bitter. I do have relationships. I am extremely close to my husband and children. I have 150 friends on Facebook, and I love to keep up with them that way. These are people I've met at various points in my life but with whom I've lost touch. If I really wanted I could have twice that, but I'm only friends with those I actually enjoyed at some point. I also use Facebook as a chance to set up actual face-to-face get-togethers when I'm back in my hometown once a year. I email with my best friend from college quite regularly. I communicate on message boards. I like to meet a friend for a drink every now and then. I have a group I meet with on Wednesdays for lunch. I attend Weight Watchers meetings once a week. I have in-laws visit overnight about once a month. And I enjoy my time in all these interactions. But I also enjoy myself when they've gone away and I can get back to my knitting and my routine and my favorite shows in peace.

 

So I'm not bitter at all. I'm not misanthropic. I just enjoy myself. I think that's the case with most people here in this thread. That's hardly something requiring medication or therapy.

 

well then feel free to disregard the things I said because they clearly do not pertain to you. There are however some seriously misanthropic attitudes expressed on this thread and also some people who claim to have social anxiety which is in fact a diagnosable medical condition which can be helped by meds. That isnt an insult, its simply a medical condition which can be treated. It isnt about being "broken" and needing to be "fixed," its about mental health.

 

Being irritated by other people chatting at the pool isnt something anyone should just suffer through for their whole life.

[jplain]

I think much of what is described in this thread is terribly unhealthy and would fit the actual definition of anti social.

 

I think what the OP describes could probably be helped enormously with medication.

 

Its not good normal or healthy to be irritated by human interaction.

 

:lol:

 

See, now I would never dream of telling an extrovert that she needs to learn how to be comfortable spending long hours alone, or how to draw energy from solitude rather than seeking it in outside activity. Nor would I suggest medication if she was unable to do so. But there are no shortage of people who feel it is perfectly reasonable to give the flip-side advice to introverts. I wonder why that is?

 

Bottom line: I think introverts often grok extroverts much more than extroverts are able to grok introverts. And I'm no longer bothered by suggestions like the above quote, because I think it only betrays how little the speaker understands about normal and healthy introverted personalities.

 

I'm an introvert. I'm not anti-social. I do have a small number of friends who I see regularly. But there comes a point at which I need to back off and recharge in the privacy of my own home, with (or without) my own family, who are much less draining than other people. I do ignore the phone as I see fit (as another posted, it's there for my convenience). I do avoid parties and other chit-chatty situations. They annoy me. I do avoid small talk outside the girls' classes, unless I find a kindred spirit. (And sometimes I do!) (But seriously, the moms and dads outside one of their classes were cackling hens and roosters. At least the loud ones were. But since other classes didn't seem to have that problem, I figured it was class-specific. And I wasn't sad when the girls decided to stop taking that class. :D)

 

Most of my sibs are extroverts. My parents are both contented introverts. The topic of introversion vs. extroversion never came up when I was growing up, so I mistakenly pegged them both as somewhat anti-social. It is a bummer that they never talked about it, because it would have been really helpful to have had my introversion affirmed as normal and healthy when I was a teenager. So for anyone else out there who has introverted kids (I have at least one, not sure about the younger yet), this is a great article: Introverts in an extrovert's world - How to nurture a (gasp!) quiet, thoughtful child.

 

I will be talking to my kids about introversion. I will be affirming it as a valid way to be in the world. And I will tell them about the strengths they have that are related to introversion. I hope it'll help them feel more comfortable in their own skins as they grow into adulthood.

Edited September 8, 2009 by jplain

[calandalsmom]

:lol:

 

See, now I would never dream of telling an extrovert that she needs to learn how to be comfortable spending long hours alone, or how to draw energy from solitude rather than seeking it in outside activity. Nor would I suggest medication if she was unable to do so. But there are no shortage of people who feel it is perfectly reasonable to give the flip-side advice to introverts. I wonder why that is?

 

Bottom line: I think introverts often grok extroverts much more than extroverts are able to grok introverts. And I'm no longer bothered by suggestions like the above quote, because I think it only betrays how little the speaker understands about normal and healthy introverted personalities.

 

I'm an introvert. I'm not anti-social. I do have a small number of friends who I see regularly. But there comes a point at which I need to back off and recharge in the privacy of my own home, with (or without) my own family, who are much less draining than other people. I do ignore the phone as I see fit (as another posted, it's there for my convenience). I do avoid parties and other chit-chatty situations. They annoy me. I do avoid small talk outside the girls' classes, unless I find a kindred spirit. (And sometimes I do!) (But seriously, the moms and dads outside one of their classes were cackling hens and roosters. At least the loud ones were. But since other classes didn't seem to have that problem, I figured it was class-specific. And I wasn't sad when the girls decided to stop taking that class. :D)

 

Most of my sibs are extroverts. My parents are both contented introverts. The topic of introversion vs. extroversion never came up when I was growing up, so I mistakenly pegged them both as somewhat anti-social. It is a bummer that they never talked about it, because it would have been really helpful to have had my introversion affirmed as normal and healthy when I was a teenager. So for anyone else out there who has introverted kids (I have at least one, not sure about the younger yet), this is a great article: Introverts in an extrovert's world - How to nurture a (gasp!) quiet, thoughtful child.

 

I will be talking to my kids about introversion. I will be affirming it as a valid way to be in the world. And I will tell them about the strengths they have that are related to introversion. I hope it'll help them feel more comfortable in their own skins as they grow into adulthood.

 

 

 

What has been said in this thread goes far beyond introvert/ extrovert. I happen to be an introvert and yet I dont have a social anxiety diagnoses nor do I find people talking "irritating." I dont need to call women who engage in friendly chit chat names. I dont need to rationalize not making friends.

 

It is neither normal nor healthy to engage in this sort of behavior no matter how happily a message board will rationalize it.

[lionfamily1999]

What has been said in this thread goes far beyond introvert/ extrovert. I happen to be an introvert and yet I dont have a social anxiety diagnoses nor do I find people talking "irritating." I dont need to call women who engage in friendly chit chat names. I dont need to rationalize not making friends.

 

It is neither normal nor healthy to engage in this sort of behavior no matter how happily a message board will rationalize it.

It is okay for people to be different. It is okay for someone to not be like you. Believe it or not, but there are countless different people, with countless different points of view in this world. Not all of them feel like you do, and some of them might think you were a little off balance for suggesting that people from a different point of view must be suffering from disorders.

 

It sounds like you really like yourself, and that is good, that is healthy ;)

 

However, trouncing on someone else, because they're different... well... maybe you should see someone ;)

[jplain]

What has been said in this thread goes far beyond introvert/ extrovert. I happen to be an introvert and yet I dont have a social anxiety diagnoses nor do I find people talking "irritating." I dont need to call women who engage in friendly chit chat names. I dont need to rationalize not making friends.

 

It is neither normal nor healthy to engage in this sort of behavior no matter how happily a message board will rationalize it.

 

The very important point you seem to be missing is that you don't get to decide what is and is not healthy and normal social interaction for other people. You get to decide for you and you alone.

 

If you are concerned for someone you know well and care about, you might gently question 'are you unhappy?' 'are you anxious?' 'is this issue interfering with the life you want to live?' If the answers are no, no, and no, you really need to keep your thoughts about normality and health to yourself.

[MrsMe]

I honestly have no friends IRL and don't really feel like making any. There are about 1-2 people at work that I talk to but NEVER speak to them outside of my job. I am not a very talkative person and making conversation or even being in places where I might have to potentially speak to others is VERY stressful to me. Even having to hear other chatting tends it irritate me. (the noise not the fact that others are social) My family actually harasses me all the time about not answering my phone or emails. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and am wondering if that is just pinned on anyone who is an introvert. Does anyone else here feel the way I do??

 

Funny thing is my job requires me to have interaction with people and that doesn't bother me at all. It is more teaching then actual chit-chat.

 

Sorry for rambling. This is just a random thought that keeps going through my head.

 

I'm like you. First the phone is an interruption. When the heck did the phone become something we HAVE TO answer? I don't get that.

 

We have a neighbor day every other week. I enjoy going to that, but sometimes I could really "leave" it, but honestly there's one who gets under my nerves, because everything is about her. Her kids are horrible. She talks non-stop, her kids interrupt constantly.

 

We had my dh's family here and they ALL came at once. All 7! for 7 days! 2 kids, 5 adults. Just about put me into hives over lack of privacy. DH takes them to the lake so I can have peace for a couple days. I need it. Too much noise, too many people in my face for too long. They're sleeping on my couch, there's soda cans everywhere, blankets everywhere, tv on, just wrecks my sense of peace! So I guess when I don't want people in my face I have a disorder. If I want company, I'll go to it. I've always been a person who would prefer ONE good friend. I don't need 5, just one that I have something in common with.

 

About the "disorder". They throw these disorders around like they're hanging on a hook in a store. "Oh I think I'll choose this one." Because you don't want to be with people, you now have a disorder. Drives me batty. There's a disorder for everything out there. So be it.

 

There's not a heck of a lot of people out there that are nice that I've met. I've been screwed by one of these people in my "neighbor day" and was appalled that someone could gossip then be nice to me and act like nothing happened. Life is too short to spend it the way you don't want to.

Edited September 9, 2009 by alilac

[MrsMe]

I sit at the pool and listen to these women go on and on about every little insipid thing under the sun, and they never stop talking! Makes me nuts!

 

 

I know!!!!! :lol::lol: Good grief!

[calandalsmom]

I dont have to decide for the rest of you. The DSM does it quite handily. A dx of social anxiety disorder isnt anything to sneeze at, and it can be a cripling disorder. its not an insult, though some of you are acting as if it is. Its not name calling, its illness and the fact that some are confusing the two shows how stigmatized mental health still is in this country.

[jplain]

I dont have to decide for the rest of you. The DSM does it quite handily.

Then you must know that the DSM entry for social anxiety also requires that there be interference with one's normal routine and ability to function, as well as personal relationships. If the patient says "Nope, I'm just fine. My routine is fine, I'm functioning just fine, and I'm not unhappy with my relationships," then a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder is not appropriate.

 

I'm not saying that social anxiety doesn't exist. It surely does. But you cannot use the DSM to label anyone here with social anxiety. The majority of posters here seem to fall into the "contented introvert" category, and therefore the label doesn't fit.

 

Do you believe we are lying to ourselves and each other when we claim to be content with our lives?

Obviously I can only speak for myself here, but that's just laughable.

Edited September 9, 2009 by jplain

[KidsHappen]

Sometimes hard to tell the difference from out here.

 

I'll have to think on the uses of these words...interesting the way you put it.

 

Your response makes me think 'snobby' and I don't at all think that's what you intend to put across.

 

Maybe I'm really reading some IRL folks wrong,too.

 

I appreciate the discussion, ladies. I'm learning.

 

 

When I was growing up I was forever being called snobby or stuck-up. I was neither of the above just very reserved until I get to know someone well. Since I was a military brat and moved a lot, I rarely got to know anyone well. I used to care what people thought but now I can't be bothered. Maybe I really am snobby or stuck-up now. :tongue_smilie:

 

It is really much more complicated than that though. When you are an introvert living in an extroverted world, well, the world expects you to relate to it on it's terms. I am a rebel and I have reached a point where I am comfortable telling the world, "NO! I will relate on my own terms." It's a good place to be. :)

 

Sometimes extroverts feel the need to explain me to other people though. I have told this story before but it applies here so I will repeat. When I was down in Atlanta when my dd was having her baby, my brother came here to stay with my children. My brother and the older gentleman next door are both extroverts so of course, they get to talking. The neighbor asked my brother what was wrong with me. Why was I anti-social? Didn't I like people? My brother's response was that I was just a little strange and being around people makes me uncomfortable. I am assuming that the neighbor spread the word because as far as I know, no one has had to have that conversation again.

[KidsHappen]

:iagree:

 

There is a HUGE disparity in this between my STBXH (and his family) and I. They all seem to crave people... i have no issue sitting at home reading a book (this post will be brought up in a court of law in my divorce BTW).

 

My ex is an extrovert as well and the book reading was an issue of contention in our divorce as well. His new wife still brings it up. :confused:

 

ETA: They have been married almost 20 years now. She seems to take it personally but you would think that she would have let it go by now.

Edited September 10, 2009 by KidsHappen

[KidsHappen]

I'm not sure exactly how to respond to this. It's complicated, much too complicated to type on a message board.

 

I don't have any friends from years and years ago because I was in a different school every couple of years and my parents were sort of religious fanatics so we were isolated a lot of the time. We were not encouraged to maintain long term friendships with people when we moved away . . . we were encouraged to embrace the "new adventure." I think I may have taken it a bit too far and now it's backfired on me. ;) It's the nature of my military upbringing. I'm not saying that every military family's experience was like that, but mine certainly was.

 

Also, I don't see myself as unhappy. I am completely satisfied with the family I've been blessed with. I think we have just the right size family with just the proper family dynamics.

 

I mostly feel anxiety when I am forced to reach out and I don't want to. I'm not sure if this is a "social anxiety" or if it's just natural to feel anxiety when one is forced outside of their comfort zone. I mean, would you feel stress if you were forced to spend hours and hours alone? I would not. I LOVE time alone and crave it when I've been forced to spend time with others for too long a period of time.

 

I also get very frustrated when I have to make small talk. I am not good at it, I receive no joy from it, and just can't really be bothered with it. I am not unkind or unpleasant, as far as I can see . . . I just am not chatty. I don't really do chat.

 

I'm not sure what my point is. I am not unhappy. I am happy. I'm over thinking something is WRONG with me because I don't CRAVE other friendships. I CRAVE to be accepted for who I am without having to explain WHY outside friendships are not important to me. There really is no why . . . it's just because that's who I am.

 

OMG girl, as one military brat to another all I can say is :iagree: to all of the above. :)

[KidsHappen]

You know, I do have ONE concern with my introverted ways:

 

I'm afraid that when I die, no one will come to my funeral to miss me because I never bothered to be close to anyone.

 

I know it sounds silly, because I'll be dead and won't be feeling much of anything :lol: . . . but that is what causes me the most anxiety and stress. I want to feel like my life MATTERS, but not many people know what kind of food I like, what my favorite color is, or even that I exist outside of being my son's Mom.

 

Now . . . where's the thread for that therapy session? I'm all over that. Have couch, will travel. :D

 

 

Hon, if you are raising a child, your life matters. I am not saying this is the only thing that makes a life matter but it is certainly something that does matter.

[KidsHappen]

I'm always thankful when a thread similar to this comes along, because it helps me realize yet again that I am not abnormal.

 

I'm not a big fan of Myers-Briggs typing, or any other scheme of categorizing people for that matter, but it was helpful for me to take that test as objectively as I could and realize that there were others out there like me. Now instead of trying to be something I'm not, I've started telling people I'm introverted. It doesn't mean I'm shy (I was shy as a child, but not now) and it doesn't mean I'm snobby, and it doesn't always mean I'm silent in public. It just means that being with other people drains me rather than recharges me, and I'm getting old enough now not to care if that makes some women not like me. :glare:

 

Tomorrow is Sunday and we have a morning and evening church service. I will stand up during the mid-service "fellowship" time and shake hands with people and make small-talk. Then I will do it again after the service. I will talk to people I know well and we will discuss things silly and light, and we will also talk about very important things. These are my brothers and sisters in faith and I love them.

 

By time for the evening service I will have to force myself to get in the car and go, because it will mean having to talk to all those same people again and we've already said anything that needed to be said. I will worship the Lord, and I will listen to the sermon and hopefully hear what God means me to hear, and I will "fellowship"...but the fellowship will not renew me like it seems to renew others. Then there's Wednesday night service...but I won't get started on that particular rant today.

 

I wish there was some way to make extroverted people understand that introverts do not feel gloomy and sad and snobby. We don't hate people, we aren't just fat and lazy, we aren't agorophobic crazy cat ladies. We just respond differently than extroverts do to being with other people.

 

I am right there with ya.

[KidsHappen]

That's not what is being said on this thread. People are expressing a bizarre degree of irritation at other women's chit chat as well as "just being happy with their family."

 

Not normal.

 

So what? Who cares? Obviously, many of us are quiet comfortable with not being what you consider normal. What difference does it make to you? :confused:

[KidsHappen]

I do relate to this. I have always been this way by nature. I don't like anyone coming to my home unexpectedly. For example, people who like to just "pop in". The people that are my friends know now that they better contact me first or there's a likely chance they'll be knocking forever. I refuse to answer the door unless it's the UPS guy or whoever is coming over has contacted me first and asked for permission. I know that sounds odd to some, but that is just the way I am. I also hate the phone ringing. I will email and text though. This is the primary way my friends/family contact me if they ever hope to get in touch with me. This is going to sound weird to some people, but I believe that email/text gives more respect to the person you are contacting. It allows me to respond in my own time and on my own schedule. Phone calls and doorbells are intrusive and feel like suprise attacks. So I screen all my calls. I never answer the phone unless it's my mother! Everyone who knows me in real life knows that if you want to get in touch with me you will have to leave a message first. Then I will return to the call when I"m in the right mindset to talk. I don't like talking on the phone. I've had people tell me they were trying to call for days! Well, leave a message. I don't respond unless someone leaves a message. The people that know me understand this is how I work. They leave a message and generally I call back right away. I also respond to email very quickly. I actually love to email. My best friend from college and I still email daily. We might write novels to each other. We email 4 or 5 times a day. Yet we almost never speak on the phone!

 

I had to double check to make sure that I had not written this myself. I had no idea the phone thing was so common. I actually thought that was one of my own personal peculiarities. :tongue_smilie:

[calandalsmom]

So what? Who cares? Obviously, many of us are quiet comfortable with not being what you consider normal. What difference does it make to you? :confused:

 

You are comfortable bagging on others because they chit chat. Ok. I give up. If that's your normal enjoy it.

[johnandtinagilbert]

There are only a few people I care to see or talk to IRL. Most grown ups annoy me, to be honest. I wasn't always this way, I think I've grown callus.

[MrsMe]

Being irritated by other people chatting at the pool isnt something anyone should just suffer through for their whole life.

 

I think we have to define chit chat. Women, moreso than men (although I've seen a few too) seem to have a knack for talking incessantly about nothing or even gossip (which is whole other annoyance). I'm assuming that's what a poster meant (when I agreed) about being bothered by it. I am one who could not go on and on about the same thing forever as some women do.

 

In fact I'm one that when there is something worth saying, I say it. But I'm not a how's the weather person for mere idol chit chat. I'd much rather stay home and be with my family. I'm a "if you're going to talk, make it count" sort of person. Constant talking, noise drives me nuts. Always has, since I was a kid. I had an aunt that talked about nothing for hours. When people got up and walked away, she'd just move her seat over and continue on with the conversation to the next person. Nicest lady, but don't ever throw me in a room with her.

 

I'd take a good book over a bunch of people anytime. I'm totally happy in my own skin by my "own self".:D And I suppose that's why we live in the boonies. :tongue_smilie:

[MrsMe]

I had to double check to make sure that I had not written this myself. I had no idea the phone thing was so common. I actually thought that was one of my own personal peculiarities. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Oh the phone. Don't get me started on the phone. My dh has become one of those, "your phone is ringing, are you going to answer it?" Ah, no. I'll check it when I'm done.

 

Between cell phones (because now people can call you all day at home or out) and texting and email, good grief! There's no peace anymore! And for some reason we're supposed to drop everything to answer it. Ah... I don't think so.

[sleepymommy]

I don't think she meant that others are incapable of serious conversation, it is that others don't tend to engage in it. There is always this sort of "dance" that people engage in when they first meet other people. Introverts are aware of the dance, they just don't want to dance. Because the dance for the introvert involves extra steps that the extrovert doesn't seem to need to take. When I talk I like to think about what I am going to say. I'm not suggesting extroverts don't think about what they are going to say. Maybe the small talk is the extroverts filler as they think.

 

It's really hard to put these thoughts into words.

 

 

Yes! This really describes the small talk dilemma. I would have never been able to describe as such, but it is much like a little dance.

 

My dh is so good at small talk, he's a complete extrovert. I'll admit, sometimes I am a bit jealous that making friends comes so easily to him. He can always talk to anyone about something, even people completely opposite of all his likes. He's mastered the dance.

 

But I haven't and quite frankly I'd probably drive myself nuts if I did. Some of my closest friends growing up were others with whom we could have a good time without the need for nonstop chatter. Heck, just hanging out and reading books separately was my idea of a great day with a friend.

[beezus]

I am an introvert and have been referred to as anti-social many times - mostly by my mother, a flaming extrovert. I have two good friends, both of whom I've known for over 20 years. We are close, even though we don't see each other real often. I haven't felt any particular urge to search out new friends. I feel calm and comfy and satisfied with the small number of people I have in my life.

 

I muddle through my husband's large family get-togethers, and I can make the necessary small talk, but it wears me out - all the noise and hullaballoo and talk about blah-de-blah. I have a deep need for my quiet, alone time, and if I have to be around gobs of people too much, I get tense.

 

My 12 yr. old is pretty out-going and has lots of friends, so I don't think her anti-social mother has disadvantaged her too much!

 

Kathleen

[KidsHappen]

You are comfortable bagging on others because they chit chat. Ok. I give up. If that's your normal enjoy it.

 

 

I was snippy. I apologize. :o

[Peela]

If you saw me at the pool talking to my best girlfriend ....you may well catch me talking about something that sounds superficial to you. However, my close friends are people I tal very deeply with as well. But that doesnt mean every conversation I have with them is a deep one. Sometimes we come up for air :)

So, I'm just saying, don't judge every woman to woman conversation that sounds a little superficial as a superficial friendship. Female friendships can exist on many levels at the same time. In other words, I think there is a tone of superiority in some of the posts towards female connections- a generalisation that they tend to the shallow. I too am an introvert and I relate to the desire to be alone a lot and not to enter into superficial connections. However, I dont see that as a reason to have none.

[Laura Corin]

I think much of what is described in this thread is terribly unhealthy and would fit the actua definition of anti social.

 

I think what the OP describes could probably be helped enormously with medication.

 

Its not good normal or healthy to be irritated by human interaction.

 

In the sense that the majority of the US population is extroverted (the figures are lower in the UK - 9/10 of the people in husband's department are introverts). That does not mean that other modes of being are unhealthy. I am not depressed or anxious. I just prefer to be on my own, or to spend time with my family or a very few other people.

 

I am a member of a choir and always sit next to the same person. She has a similar personality to me - we talk politely but don't see each other between rehearsals. I have been invited to coffee and a movie by the wife of one of husband's colleagues; I'm happy to go and will be glad if a friendship results, but would not have made that first move myself.

 

Laura

[calandalsmom]

In the sense that the majority of the US population is extroverted (the figures are lower in the UK - 9/10 of the people in husband's department are introverts). That does not mean that other modes of being are unhealthy. I am not depressed or anxious. I just prefer to be on my own, or to spend time with my family or a very few other people.

 

I am a member of a choir and always sit next to the same person. She has a similar personality to me - we talk politely but don't see each other between rehearsals. I have been invited to coffee and a movie by the wife of one of husband's colleagues; I'm happy to go and will be glad if a friendship results, but would not have made that first move myself.

 

Laura

 

I have stated in this thread that I am an introvert. Introverts dont get annoyed at other people. Introverts gather energy whilst being alone. Introverts do not judge other people for being shallow bc they enjoy a chat. Introverts enjoy chatting with others whom they enjoy.

 

What is described in this thread: "I have no friends" and "I don't like most adults" is not introversion. It is disdain for others.

[Laura Corin]

Introverts dont get annoyed at other people. Introverts gather energy whilst being alone. Introverts do not judge other people for being shallow bc they enjoy a chat. Introverts enjoy chatting with others whom they enjoy.

 

What is described in this thread: "I have no friends" and "I don't like most adults" is not introversion. It is disdain for others.

 

There are introverts who despise others. It may not be a pleasant way to think, but it's not a reason for medical treatment. If people are happy despising others, and they are not being actively unpleasant (walking up to others and insulting them) then what goes on in their heads is their business.

 

Laura

[calandalsmom]

I honestly have no friends IRL and don't really feel like making any. ... I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and am wondering if that is just pinned on anyone who is an introvert. Does anyone else here feel the way I do??

 

 

I hate chatting on the phone, but I will talk on the phone for business purposes -- that doesn't bother me at all. I am just not one to pick up the phone and speak with anyone for the sake of talking.

 

I sit at the pool and listen to these women go on and on about every little insipid thing under the sun, and they never stop talking! Makes me nuts!

 

I don't have any friends IRL (I think the last one with whom a friendship was taking shape accused my son of stealing a LEGO man and a plastic car - it's here on the board someplace) -- had a couple, don't now. I am more the swoop in when there is an emergency, help put out the fire (you know, bring dinner, drive people places, bring groceries), and then disappear.

 

I just do not exert the constant effort that friendship seems to require -- cannot be bothered, I guess, or don't have the time, energy or patience.

 

Glad to hear I am not the only one --

 

 

My family thinks I'm some sort of freak because I just can't seem to be bothered with anyone and I don't covet lots of close friendships.

 

 

I just don't see the point, and I'm certainly not interested in exerting the effort it takes to maintain a decent friendship. I guess I'm lazy that way.

 

 

 

Glad to know there are others like me!

 

I literally have no friends. I really do not have aquaintances either. I'm very shy, I never know what to say during a conversation with people I do not know well. People may think I'm stuck up, but I'm far from that.

 

 

I'm not afraid to go into group situations. I love to go out and I have no anxiety about it. I just do not have any friends because I do not know what to say. And honestly, I'm very different from most women that I know. I've always been a tomboy and I still am today. I do not dress girly and frilly. I'm more comfy in jeans, a polo shirt, and indoor soccer shoes. You'll never find me in a dress or high heels. I dont care about manicures, pedicures, hair do's, spas, and painted nails. You'll find me much happier jumping in the bouncy things with my kids, going camping, etc.

 

I'm pretty crunchy....homeschool, baby wearing, no CIO, doesn't leave kids with sitter often, eating a lot of organic....those things set me apart from others, as does the fact that I'm a tomboy.

 

 

 

OP sounds like me, as well. I have zero real-life friends. I barely even have any acquaintances. I can't stand the majority of my in-laws and none of them live close anyway. My own family is across the country and is really small.

I have several close on-line friends who I've seen irl a bunch of times. But nobody I see or hang out with regularly. I would like to, if I could find anyone I could stand to be around. But anytime I see women together at a playground or something, they just stand around like cackling hens, talking about stuff I have less than zero interest in. I will never ever ever be one of the mini-van-driving soccer-mom crowd. I don't care about hair or makeup or nails or fashion or American Idol or any other topics of their insipid conversations. None of the people I talk to online are even parents, actually.

I'm not anti-social. I would have friends if I thought I could find any. There are no homeschool groups out here that I know of....and while there are a few "mommies get together" groups, that seems to me to be exactly the sort of thing I'd want to avoid.

 

I will say this. After my divorce, I discovered that I had no friends and this spelled trouble for me since I did not live near family. Without my husband to depend on, I was up the creek. My husband was my best friend but when he left me, I realized I had no one. This is when I discovered the value of friendships. Until then, I did not really appreciate it. Now I make an effort to reach out. I still have my hangups, but I do try a lot harder than before. I have always been a friendly person. I just never made the extra effort to forge deeper friendships. Now I make efforts in that direction.

 

 

About the "disorder". They throw these disorders around like they're hanging on a hook in a store. "Oh I think I'll choose this one." Because you don't want to be with people, you now have a disorder. Drives me batty. There's a disorder for everything out there. So be it.

 

There's not a heck of a lot of people out there that are nice that I've met. I've been screwed by one of these people in my "neighbor day" and was appalled that someone could gossip then be nice to me and act like nothing happened. Life is too short to spend it the way you don't want to.

 

There are only a few people I care to see or talk to IRL. Most grown ups annoy me, to be honest. I wasn't always this way, I think I've grown callus.

 

 

These posts stick out to me, esp the bolded bits. They do not sound happy or content in many cases.

 

Hating other people can be a side effect of depression or social anxiety. For some people depression manifests itself as anger. In any case, its hard to model friendly healthy relationships for your children when you do not have any.

[Peela]

calandalsmom

I agree with what you are saying, in general. This thread actually disturbed me somewhat too. I don't really want to put my hand up and say "I am part of this anti social club" , even though I am an introvert who loves my own company a lot too. I think some of the opinions here are too extreme and do express a disdain for others, and a willingness to just sit in that and seek support here for it, that is not psychologically healthy.

It also concerns me that children are brought up in environments where the mother is unwilling to extend herself socially.