What is the appropriate response to 15 year old's dumbfounding lack of judgment?

[Haiku]

How do you respond when your 15 year old, who has been told that a plastic piece on the stove caught fire and the knob was removed for that reason, decides to see whether she can get the burner that is missing its knob to light?

 

Further, she is then unable to get it to turn off, and when her father comes in to turn it off, he accidentally turns the knob the wrong way so that, even though the fire is now off, the burner is still on and, unbeknownst to anyone, still spewing gas into the kitchen.

 

Further, this situation is not discovered until the next morning ... and the only reason the animals who live downstairs were not killed is because it was an unseasonably cool day and we had the windows open overnight.

 

Further, when said 15 year old is informed of all this, shrugs hers shoulders and says, "Oh, sorry."

 

My husband is of the opinion that said 15 year old shouldn't be grounded because "grounding is for willful disobedience, not horrific lack of judgment." I think that, aside from myriad other cruel and unusual punishments, the kid should ABSOLUTELY be grounded.

 

Tara

 

ETA: See post 26 for a fuller explanation, apparently I didn't explain it well the first time.

Edited August 24, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator
for clarity

[hornblower]

It was a mistake. I don't see the need for much here actually. At most I'd put in a requirement to hand in a 1 page fact sheet on the dangers of natural gas.

 

I kind of see your problem but I also kind of don't - maybe because I've had a stove with a broken knob which we used pliers to turn the little metal post sticking out.

 

And it also strikes me that the biggest error was not the one made in turning the burner on.

 

The biggest error was made by the person who turned it off & failed to check that it was done correctly. If the lack of knob was causing a confusion, THAT person should have been more careful to ensure it had been done correctly. Of course it's all 20/20 hindsight.

 

Glad you didn't all go booooom or keel over from lack of oxygen. But as far any discipline - I'd move on. It's a good thing to talk about but that's it.

[Julie in Austin]

If I read this right, the gas was your dh's fault, not your dd's fault.

 

Next question: was she ever specifically told NOT to use that burner? If not, my guess is that in her mind, the plastic piece was the problem, not the use of the burner. So she perhaps thought that as long as she didn't use the plastic piece, all was good. If that's the case, then I think you should let this go and try to be more specific to make up for the weird teenage brain in the future.

 

If she WAS specifically told not to use the burner and did anyway, I'd probably have a consequence related to fire safety: maybe some research on home fires, insurance rates, burn victims, that sort of things. Along with, perhaps, whatever your usual consequence for disobedience is.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

I think you should do some educating here. She probably doesn't really "get it" even though she's 15. Find articles online about CO poisoning and maybe some archived news stories about deaths from CO poisoning. Have her write an essay or paper about it. The seriousness should sink in.

 

FWIW- my 17yo and 19yo were greatly affected when Steven Curtis Chapman's son backed over his little sister. I felt so sorry for that family, but the tragedy really did change my daughters' perspectives. They KNEW they needed to be careful, but hearing that this tragedy actually happened made them more mindful than ever.

 

I think teens are often in a stage where they really don't think bad things are going to happen, especially to them.

 

I'm glad you are all O.K.

Blessings,

Leanna

[Garga]

Sounds to me like you're more upset over her lack of response than anything else.

 

However, it all depends on how it went down.

 

As the others have stated, she didn't perceive herself as having done anything wrong. And DH turned it off. So everyone thought the problem was solved.

 

The next day, how did you present the fact that the gas was still on to her? Did you say it in a somewhat accusatory way? "Dd! The GAS was left on! We could have DIED!!!" If so, then she probably felt wrongly attacked and retreated behind a cold, "Oh sorry."

 

Heck, even if you told her about it gently, I can see her feeling somewhat accused--and the point is, it's not fully her fault. It's just as much DH's fault.

 

Unless, like a pp said, you told her not to use the burner. If my knob didn't work, I would probably have just turned the metal part and kept using the burner as well. I don't see why she did anything wrong, unless you told everyone not to use that burner.

[Cedarmom]

When she had a problem with turning it off, she told her dad. If she had just walked off and not told anyone, then I see the issue. It was bad judgement to try and turn it on, but I agree with your dh, it was not disobedience. In her mind she was helping, trying to get something to work. I say lesson learned for family.

[adams101]

I think there should be some form of punishment. Not necessarily for the gas being left on, but for "playing" with the stove to begin with. Maybe ban her from the kitchen until she shows more responsibility, etc. That means she gets to eat whatever you give her since she isn't allowed to make her own. Make sure that she understands that the gas being left on was a direct result of her poor judgement, but not entirely her fault. She should know better than to just turn the stove on for basically no reason. I would focus more on that, and possibly make her write something on the effects of the gas being left on. Not only CO poisoning, but a small spark could have set it off. Yes, it was poor judgement, but there could have been serious results from it. I wouldn't just let this go.

[Renee in NC]

I think there should be some form of punishment. Not necessarily for the gas being left on, but for "playing" with the stove to begin with. Maybe ban her from the kitchen until she shows more responsibility, etc. That means she gets to eat whatever you give her since she isn't allowed to make her own. Make sure that she understands that the gas being left on was a direct result of her poor judgement, but not entirely her fault. She should know better than to just turn the stove on for basically no reason. I would focus more on that, and possibly make her write something on the effects of the gas being left on. Not only CO poisoning, but a small spark could have set it off. Yes, it was poor judgement, but there could have been serious results from it. I wouldn't just let this go.

 

I have to ask, because it has been said twice now - how does leaving the gas on contribute to CO poisoning? I thought CO was a by-product of combustion, not the gas itself.

[Renee in NC]

My answer to the OP:

 

I don't see how this is your daughter's lack of judgment. She tried to use a burner that was not broken (just the knob was.) When she couldn't turn it off, she got Dad to do it. *He* then said it was off, but it wasn't. How is this her fault? I don't see her using the burner as being horrible judgment at all.

[Tammy]

Was she actually COOKING something....or just goofing around with the knob?

 

.

[Rhonda in TX]

But that's all I'd do. Teenagers do stupid stuff, and sometimes the possible consequences are scary. I know you're thinking "what if", but they just don't think that way. Some day she'll think back on this and realize what the big deal was.

 

Like others said, if she was forbidden to use the burner, that's a different matter.

[Lawana]

I have to ask, because it has been said twice now - how does leaving the gas on contribute to CO poisoning? I thought CO was a by-product of combustion, not the gas itself.

 

My thoughts exactly. The issue is natural gas, NOT carbon monoxide. I think research is a great idea, but she should be researching the right thing.

 

Lawana

[ConnieB]

While I totally understand your anger, and really it would probably be more properly called "after the fact fear"....because of all the "what if" and potentially deadly consequences, with all due respect, while your daughter trying to use a burner that was obviously broken was irresponsible, it sounds like your anger is pointed at the wrong person isn't it? You said that daughter turned it on, but that dad

 

 

 

when her father comes in to turn it off, he accidentally turns the knob the wrong way so that, even though the fire is now off, the burner is still on and, unbeknownst to anyone, still spewing gas into the kitchen.

 

 

So...if I'm reading this right while the initial cause was your daughter it sounds like it was your husband who was then also irresponsible in making sure that he repaired it properly and that it was not spewing gas.

 

 

 

Now...that doesn't excuse her lack of judgment in trying to get a burner that was obviously broken to work again, but I would not, could not, lay the blame for the potentially deadly situation on her shoulders, because it belongs on your husband. Had daughter not told anyone and just left it running, then I'd share your anger at her.....but she did the responsible thing and requested dad fix it....he failed to do so properly. The fault is his, nor hers.

 

 

I would however, AFTER I've calmed down from the fear of all that could have happened, talk with her about the dangers of using a burner that was obviously not working properly. She does need to realize that she played a part in all this, but only a part.

 

And then I'd trundle down to the hardware store and get one of those carbon monoxide detectors to install in the house so that this type of mistake never has the potential to be deadly again. Seriously, I can't imagine living in a house with a gas stove with a detector (we also have a gas dryer and gas water heater so we have a lot of potential leaks). We have one downstairs near the entry to the kitchen (the utility room with the other two gas devices is off the kitchen) and we have another at the top of the stairs near the first bedroom. Right next to both are fire detectors.

[Haiku]

In her mind she was helping, trying to get something to work.

 

No, she wasn't trying to help. She simply wanted to see whether she could turn it on. She was basically playing with the stove. I didn't specifically tell her, "You cannot turn on this burner," but I did say, "We can't use that burner because the plastic casing caught one fire, so we took the knob off." The plastic casing was inside the cover of the stove, and I showed it to her.

 

I guess I am going to have to disagree with a lot of people. This is not my husband's fault. The problem was caused by my dd screwing around with the stove. My dh was trying FIX the problem my daughter created.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

Was she actually COOKING something....or just goofing around with the knob?

 

 

Just goofing around. I guess I wasn't clear enough in my OP. She just wanted to see whether she could get it on, just ... to see, I guess.

 

Tara

[elfgivas]

it sounds like you've made up your mind about it not being your dh's responsibility. i disagree. he's the adult. he took responsibility for the problem the moment he came to help. he didn't complete the task successfully. that makes it his responsibility. (that there was ever an issue, that is not his doing.... but once we enter into an activity with our dc, then its ours to deal with well)

 

but

 

you also said she was just playing with the stove. that is something you can deal with with integrity, because stoves aren't for playing. a logical consequence might be for her to earn the money to get a new knob. and to cook dinner for a few nights.

 

fwiw,

ann

[newbie]

No, she wasn't trying to help. She simply wanted to see whether she could turn it on. She was basically playing with the stove. I didn't specifically tell her, "You cannot turn on this burner," but I did say, "We can't use that burner because the plastic casing caught one fire, so we took the knob off." The plastic casing was inside the cover of the stove, and I showed it to her.

 

I guess I am going to have to disagree with a lot of people. This is not my husband's fault. The problem was caused by my dd screwing around with the stove. My dh was trying FIX the problem my daughter created.

 

Tara

 

I understood what you were saying, and if she was told not to do something and did it, she should be punished. Especially since everyone could have been hurt.

 

Sounds like in the interim you might need baby knob covers and CO2 detector for next time. Perhaps that money could come out of her allowance or make her work for it.

[Haiku]

And then I'd trundle down to the hardware store and get one of those carbon monoxide detectors to install in the house so that this type of mistake never has the potential to be deadly again. Seriously, I can't imagine living in a house with a gas stove with a detector (we also have a gas dryer and gas water heater so we have a lot of potential leaks). We have one downstairs near the entry to the kitchen (the utility room with the other two gas devices is off the kitchen) and we have another at the top of the stairs near the first bedroom. Right next to both are fire detectors.

 

Natural gas and CO are not the same thing. I just googled this and found the following: "Natural gas is non-toxic and is the cleanest-burning fossil fuel available. Under normal operating conditions, natural gas burns cleanly, producing heat, carbon dioxide and water vapor. However, if natural gas is not burning properly or the appliance has a mechanical problem, it could create carbon monoxide. "

 

We do, however, have a CO detector. I just checked it and it appears to be functioning normally.

 

And just to be clearer, dd did not ask dh to come fix the problem. She called me in to show me she had lit the stove, and when I nearly blew a gasket, she said, "Geez, what's the big deal?" I couldn't get the fire to turn off, so *I* called dh to fix it.

 

Tara

[chaik76]

My answer to the OP:

 

I don't see how this is your daughter's lack of judgment. She tried to use a burner that was not broken (just the knob was.) When she couldn't turn it off, she got Dad to do it. *He* then said it was off, but it wasn't. How is this her fault? I don't see her using the burner as being horrible judgment at all.

I agree with this too.

[LibraryLover]

True scary fact: The frontal lobe is not fully developed until the early to mid 20's. Notoriously poor judgement is no small part a neurological issue for teens.

 

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/teenage-brain-a-work-in-progress-fact-sheet/index.shtml

 

That's all I got.

 

That, and sympathy. My oldest kids are 20, 17, 15.

Edited August 24, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Tabrett]

No, she wasn't trying to help. She simply wanted to see whether she could turn it on. She was basically playing with the stove. I didn't specifically tell her, "You cannot turn on this burner," but I did say, "We can't use that burner because the plastic casing caught one fire, so we took the knob off." The plastic casing was inside the cover of the stove, and I showed it to her.

 

I guess I am going to have to disagree with a lot of people. This is not my husband's fault. The problem was caused by my dd screwing around with the stove. My dh was trying FIX the problem my daughter created.

 

Tara

I consider that telling her to not use that burner!!! She did anyway after you told her "we" as in the whole family can't use the burner and you removed the knob so no one would play with the burner or forget. Then she was just playing with the stove to see if it would work? I would consider that being disobedient and just plain dangerous. Stupid? Yes! I would have her do some kind of punishment. When you say "we can't use the burner" that is what you mean and there is a reason why!

[chiguirre]

How about watching The Marriage of Eva Braun together with dh and dd? It certainly gave me a healthy paranoia about gas stoves!

[Night Elf]

My husband is of the opinion that said 15 year old shouldn't be grounded because "grounding is for willful disobedience, not horrific lack of judgment." I think that, aside from myriad other cruel and unusual punishments, the kid should ABSOLUTELY be grounded.

 

Tara

 

I agree with the others and feel part of this is your DH's fault. You are entirely blaming your dd because she made the initial mistake. I'm actually surprised you aren't flexible enough to see that, at least as far as you've related the incident to us. There may be other factors we are unaware of such as other annoying things your dd is doing and it's just all building up.

[SquirrellyMama]

I don't think it is your dh's fault at all. You told your dd that the burner shouldn't be used and she did it anyway. I'm not sure of a good punishment though.

[Haiku]

She tried to use a burner that was not broken (just the knob was.)

 

Apparently I am not being clear enough, so I will try again to explain. There is a plastic casing inside the top of the stove (I can pull the metal stovetop up and see the burners and everything that is undernearth) that caught fire when we used that burner. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the knob on the stove. We took the knob off for the sole purpose of reminding everyone NOT to use the burner. Whether I have explained that well here or not, it was made perfectly clear to my daughter. I lifted the stove lid, showed her the melted plastic casing, told her that we can't use the burner because of the fire, and told her we took the knob off. I don't remember whether I told her that we took off the knob so that we would remember not to use the burner, but I would think that would be fairly obvious. My dd knew that it was a problem with the burner itself and NOT the knob.

 

I know that kids make mistakes. I know that kids are sometimes disobedient. I know that she didn't mean to cause a problem. But I do think that it's pretty frickin' dumb to try to turn on a burner that had previously caught fire (and not the way it's intended to) and that she had been told was unusable. It caused a big problem that would not have happened had she not acted so stupidly. My dh spent 10 minutes trying to get the burner off ... it was hard to do because the knob was off, and when he tried to put the knob back on, it did not go on easily, so the calibration was off and when the knob said the burner was off, it wasn't actually quite all the way off.

 

Ok, so that's the story. Basically, my dd was disobedient. I think she should be grounded. My dh doesn't think she should. Be that as it may, now I have huge doubts about how much I can trust my dd. What if I had not been home when this happened? Then what would have happened? What if she is home by herself and decides to do something else equally as dumb? Am I able to leave her home alone anymore? This is not just me being angry at my dd. This is my concern for her future safety and how much she can be trusted to be obedient.

 

Tara

Edited August 24, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator

[LibraryLover]

How often does she do dangerous things like this? If it's the first time, you can probably leave her home alone again. If it's just one more thing in a string of things, you might want to supervise her until that frontal lobe development is further along.

[Haiku]

How often does she do dangerous things like this?

 

This is only the second time that she has done something dangerous. The other occasion was a little more than a year ago. I was away and she was supervising the little kids (5 and 6 at the time). She decided to go out to the treehouse and put in her iPod headphones, leaving the kids inside and not telling them where she was going. My dh happened to call home and my six year old told him that they couldn't find their sister anywhere. My dh called me and I went home (I was only 5 minutes away). It took me 10 minutes to find dd. Just like this time, her attitude seemed to be, "What's the big deal?"

 

Tara

[HollyinNNV]

This is your dh's fault. He was negligent in not making sure that he had fully turned the burner off.

[*********]

This is only the second time that she has done something dangerous. The other occasion was a little more than a year ago. I was away and she was supervising the little kids (5 and 6 at the time). She decided to go out to the treehouse and put in her iPod headphones, leaving the kids inside and not telling them where she was going. My dh happened to call home and my six year old told him that they couldn't find their sister anywhere. My dh called me and I went home (I was only 5 minutes away). It took me 10 minutes to find dd. Just like this time, her attitude seemed to be, "What's the big deal?"

 

Tara

 

Tara, seems to me that what you're wanting to correct in your daughter are two things; one, that she is doing things without thinking that turn out to be dangerous (either to herself or others), and doing those things out of willfull/knowing disobedience; and two, that she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation after the fact.

 

So, for number one, the willfull disobedience/less-than-smart moves that put people in danger, it's just a matter of training. For the willfull disobedience, use whatever consequence your family usually uses; grounding, removing priveledge, etc. For the part that's 'dumb and puts people in danger', I like some of the pp's ideas of researching/writing a paper specifically about whatever she did that was dangerous. I would add in a good long explanation (when I was calm and not tempted to throw the word 'dumb' into the talk, LOL), about why what she did was dangerous, as well as how I expect her to learn from this situation, 'cause if it were to repeat itself in the future, 'X' would be the consequence.

 

For number two, the lack of understanding and/or caring about the seriousness of the situation, I think you have to have another talk with her to find out if she was just trying to 'down play', or if she really didn't understand what the big deal was. Perhaps it's a respect issue toward you, and that needs to be remedied. However, like other pp's have pointed out, it could just be that she doesn't really yet understand fully the consequences of her actions.

 

Whatever you do, just know that there's plenty of us who are dumbfounded frequently by the decisions of our teenagers. I have a dss12 and a dsd15. I love them dearly, and they are usually very bright, helpful, respectful, courteous, loving, fantastic kids. But then, every once in a while, they'll do or say something to which I can only respond 'WHAT were you thinking?!'. :001_smile:

[Julie in CA]

Tara, seems to me that what you're wanting to correct in your daughter are two things; one, that she is doing things without thinking that turn out to be dangerous (either to herself or others), and doing those things out of willfull/knowing disobedience; and two, that she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation after the fact.

 

So, for number one, the willfull disobedience/less-than-smart moves that put people in danger, it's just a matter of training. For the willfull disobedience, use whatever consequence your family usually uses; grounding, removing priveledge, etc. For the part that's 'dumb and puts people in danger', I like some of the pp's ideas of researching/writing a paper specifically about whatever she did that was dangerous. I would add in a good long explanation (when I was calm and not tempted to throw the word 'dumb' into the talk, LOL), about why what she did was dangerous, as well as how I expect her to learn from this situation, 'cause if it were to repeat itself in the future, 'X' would be the consequence.

 

For number two, the lack of understanding and/or caring about the seriousness of the situation, I think you have to have another talk with her to find out if she was just trying to 'down play', or if she really didn't understand what the big deal was. Perhaps it's a respect issue toward you, and that needs to be remedied. However, like other pp's have pointed out, it could just be that she doesn't really yet understand fully the consequences of her actions.

 

Whatever you do, just know that there's plenty of us who are dumbfounded frequently by the decisions of our teenagers. I have a dss12 and a dsd15. I love them dearly, and they are usually very bright, helpful, respectful, courteous, loving, fantastic kids. But then, every once in a while, they'll do or say something to which I can only respond 'WHAT were you thinking?!'. :001_smile:

 

Oh, Bethany, were you reading my mind?! :001_smile:

This is everything I wanted to put in my reply, and you said it all so well.

The safety issue needs to be addressed, but not necessarily "punished". It's reasonable (in my mind) for her to have thought that dad had turned it off. Turning it on in the first place was indeed the stupid kind of thing that teenagers do, not maliciously, but unthinkingly.

The cavalier attitude about the consequences of her actions though, that would be a separate and possibly more important component.

[Renee in NC]

No, she wasn't trying to help. She simply wanted to see whether she could turn it on. She was basically playing with the stove. I didn't specifically tell her, "You cannot turn on this burner," but I did say, "We can't use that burner because the plastic casing caught one fire, so we took the knob off." The plastic casing was inside the cover of the stove, and I showed it to her.

 

I guess I am going to have to disagree with a lot of people. This is not my husband's fault. The problem was caused by my dd screwing around with the stove. My dh was trying FIX the problem my daughter created.

 

Tara

 

I would've been annoyed at the first instance and I could see my 11yo doing that very thing (turning it on to see if he could.) What I don't understand is if it wasn't the *knob* that was broken (which is how I read your OP) then why didn't you simply put the knob back on, turn it off properly, and then take the knob off again, explicitly explaining all this to your 15yo and then punishing her for her disobedience?

 

What happened *after* she disobeyed you was not her fault. Your dh didn't turn it off properly and the gas was still on. You were not in danger of CO poisoning, but of an explosion caused by the gas. You now say you were there too and thought it was off as well. If that is the case, why blame the 15yo for it *still* being on when the 2 adults both missed that fact?

 

My suggestion for the *stove* is to get it fixed! If it is so close to being that deadly (which it sounds like it is) then I would turn the gas off to the stove until the stove is fixed.

[Plucky]

[quote name=

My suggestion for the *stove* is to get it fixed! If it is so close to being that deadly (which it sounds like it is) then I would turn the gas off to the stove until the stove is fixed.

 

Yes, fixing the stove needs to be a priority.

[Haiku]

You now say you were there too and thought it was off as well. If that is the case, why blame the 15yo for it *still* being on when the 2 adults both missed that fact?

 

No, I knew it wasn't off, which I why I got dh to help me. As for why he thought it was off when it wasn't, I addressed that, too. He had trouble getting the knob back on properly, and the alignment or calibration was incorrect, causing it to appear that the gas was off. I guess the reason that I feel this is dd's fault and not dh's is because he did what he thought was the correct thing to fix the problem, whereas dd caused the problem in the first place by being disobedient.

 

My suggestion for the *stove* is to get it fixed!

 

Well, yes, of course. All this happened yesterday. Dh is stopping for the parts to fix it today.

 

Tara

Edited August 24, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator

[Haiku]

Tara, seems to me that what you're wanting to correct in your daughter are two things; one, that she is doing things without thinking that turn out to be dangerous (either to herself or others), and doing those things out of willfull/knowing disobedience; and two, that she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation after the fact.

 

 

Yes, you're right. Thank you for your post. Other people seem surprised that I think is my dd's fault and not my dh's, while, frankly, I am extremely surprised that people seem to think that a 15 year old playing with the stove is not a big thing.

 

I'm trying to be calm. What I really wanted to do was go apesh*t, but I am trying to be calm. I didn't yell at her or use the words stupid or dumb. I did tell her that I thought she used a lack of judgment. Maybe to her it's not a big deal because nothing bad actually happened (except for my trust in her diminishing), but isn't it my job to worry about these things? Isn't that what moms are for? ;)

 

Anyway, deep breaths, I will consider everything that has been said here, and I will turn off the gas to the stove until it is fixed.

 

Tara

[*********]

but isn't it my job to worry about these things? Isn't that what moms are for? ;)

Tara

 

Yes, yes it is. Well, that, and 26 billion other things. :D

[Pamela H in Texas]

Tara,

 

Is it reasonable to guess that you probably already went through the "what in the world were you thinking?" sort of thing? Did you either tell her or ask her what she thinks could have happened? the basics?

 

Honestly, that is sufficient.

 

If I really felt like "I HAVE to DO SOMETHING," I would make it a paper for this sort of thing. Make sure she has a good understanding of the problem.

 

But I would not use grounding or anything like that for this. I really think that would take AWAY from the discipline in this situation. It really would only help you feel you did something (which is the main thing any punishment ever does but I do think it has a place sometimes).

 

ETA: I agree that your daughter started this situation that led to your hubby making a mistake. Obviously hubby wouldn't have turned that gas all the way on had she not have been messing with the stove. I also agree that messing with the stove at all was poor judgment. And I definitely understand worrying whether she gets the gravity of the situation.

Edited August 24, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[Remudamom]

I just want to know what my dd is doing over at your house?

[Haiku]

LOL! I'm glad to know I am not the only one!

 

Tara

[Irene Lynn]

Having read all the clarifications and everything, I can tell you how I would tend to respond.

 

The foolish behavior is just that - REALLY FOOLISH. It was a small act of disobedience with large consequences. It was wrong and I would address it, but I am guessing she does similar small acts (because of curiosity) with little to no consequences most of the time, so it wouldn't seem like much of a big deal, except this time it was REALLY FOOLISH. I would deal with it, but I would try to keep in mind that it wasn't meant to be in-your-face rebellion. More education would be a part of that.

 

The response to the whole situation would be the part that would drive me crazy. I would definitely give a speech. :) I would find some way to give an illustration that made her feel it. Her actions put other lives at risk. How would she feel if you scared the living daylights out of her and had her in harm's way, but then kind of shugged the whole thing off like it didn't really matter??? I would point out that some people deal with stress by trying to minimalize it, but that really doesn't work. The result is that people loose confidence in a person like that, or at least feel like the person doesn't care at all about others, or worse. It will never be the best move in any relationship. Again I would illustrate this as best I could. I would then let her know a couple of different responses that might have been better ( ask her to come up with a few options herself.) both for me and for any future case. I would let her know what would be an unacceptable response, if anything like this happened in the future. And I would let her know what would happen to her life, if her response was as calloused next time. :)

 

My further action would depend upon her response to this.

 

My own daughter (16), who is quite bright and very responsible with most things has also done a couple of poor choices lately. She went to her room and shut the door and put on headphones, while her little wild child brother was downstairs. We had left her in charge for a little while. She somehow thought because he was watching a movie or TV show or something that he would just sit there for a while!? She really is an obedient child, but I don't know where her brain went that time. She has said she won't do that again, and I believe her, but still!?

 

And recently, the power went out right after I left the house with our son. We were going out for several hours. It was pouring down rain. We have a very neccessary sump pump. We also have a generator. We have talked about these things, but the basement never crossed her mind. She never called anyone. Nothing. We had 2 inches of water covering the basement, when I came home. Again her response to instruction was good, but where did her brain go?! I don't know. Her foolishness had consequences, though it wasn't from disobedience, which would have been worse. Still, I wanted to let you know that our very bright daughter, is still a child and does foolish things that surprise me.

[Haiku]

Thank you, Irene Lynn.

 

I did want to say that, when dd came home from school today, she came to me and said, "Mom, I'm sorry about what happened with the stove. I shouldn't have turned it on."

 

I gave her a hug and said, "Thank you for apologizing. That means a lot to me. In a few days, when we're not so worked up about this, I think we need to talk about it a little bit more." She said ok.

 

Thanks to everyone who put up with my extended vent.

 

Tara

[Joanne]

Tara,

 

No feedback. Just {{hugs}}. I've had a few threads over the years where translating reality into message board clarity was challenging at best.

 

I'm glad she had the incident on her mind "enough" to mention it and

apologize. Good job telling her you needed some space from the incident before discussion!

 

Hm. Maybe that was feedback. LOL

[Reya]

Said 15-y-o would be doing all chores in the house for two weeks. ALL chores. Every chore will be an active reminder. That's why it's better than grounding.

 

My DH still pulls similar stunts due to lack of consequences as a child. He's lucky to be alive...

Edited August 25, 2009 by Reya