WiseOwlKnits Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Two books I can't recommend enough - both my Christian authors with a Christian slant. *The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman- this will explain WHY you making his lunch is such a big factor for him and give you more ideas how you can speak his love language...and how he can speak yours. * The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick - it's a 40-day program meant for couples in turmoil to help bring them back together to the same page, although DH and I (very happily married) are working through it too as we firmly believe the greatest gift you can give your children is a strong marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 I really recommend For Women Only. :iagree: this book along with this book -The Power of a Praying Wife http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying%C2%AE-Wife-Stormie-Omartian/dp/0736919244/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247268980&sr=1-1 These were the beginning of a change in our marriage & my submission issues. I now only have a problem with some peoples defintion of submission. However, I am now fully confident in saying I strive to be a submissive wife. My dh is now my BEST friend, and I praise God for His faithfulness to us. I guess my best advice is to stop and think- "Would I be happy if he treated me this way?" "Am I being respectful?" "He is different than me; I am a women, he is a man. Why am I expecting him to act like I would?" "How does he feel loved?" "He is a man, I am a woman; how can I communicate this so he will understand?" And last but not least- PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. God will give you insight that you would have never thought of. I'm praying for you impish. I love your spirit; and I always enjoy your posts. You're hilarious, and I'm sure this is one of the things your dh loves about you. So just be his friend, his biggest fan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 (edited) When we married, almost 25 years ago, my DH and I decided that our relationship was like an entity seperate from myself or himself. It was a precious, delicate, wonderful "being" created by our union. We agreed that the needs of "The Relationship" were more important then any of the needs of the individuals that made it up and must come first above all. Caring for "The Relationship" is our responsibility and we take it seriously. We don't harm it, we don't take it for granted, we don't ignore it, we don't put ourselves or our wants or desires above it - EVER. PERIOD. In essence, this works itself out to be the same as submitting to one another, I think. In order to nurture the relationship, we must NOT consider ourselves more important then it or each other. We must do everthing we can to foster harmony, love and peace with each other. We must treat each other with respect and kindness. Since the day I married, it has been my goal to make sure that the "energy" or conectedness flowing between my DH and I was positive, loving and uplifting. I don't care about anything else. There is no personal want or desire that I would not give up to accomplish this goal. While I do consider myself a submissive wife, I also have to admit that my husband is submissive to me, in that he places our relationship above his own wants or desires. He has NEVER lorded his authority over me and would never consider making a decision without discussing it together with me as a team. So...I don't exactly have to submit to a "boss" like husband and can not say as if I even could. But I do recognize my DH's God given authority in our home and respect his right to have the final say in matters where he believes he must do what is best for our family. This has all worked well for us. We are blissfully happy and madly in love after 25 years. We have weathered all kinds of storms together and non have ever diminished our Relationship in any way. In fact, they have only strengthened it. I believe we are following a Godly model for marriage and that is why we are successfull. Maybe if the two of you made a committment to DECIDE that your Relationship was your top priority above all else ( except the relationship between each of you and God) and that your only goal is to nurture that Relationship, things would improve? I also recommend the DR. Laura book and the Love Languages book. God Bless. Edited July 11, 2009 by katemary63 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 It sounds like God is nudging and prompting you and it sounds like you are teachable and willing to listen. Go with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 (edited) I am going to reply first and then read everyone else's responses. This is something I feel very passionate about. Years and years ago I did several bible studies and knew with certainty what God was laying on my heart. I studied about the biblical role of wife first, and then mom, for about two years, and blessing my husband and honoring my God given role became a passion of mine. Two books/studies I did were Stormie O's (Omartian? Omaritan?) The Power Of A Praying Wife (you'll be praying for your husband daily, and pray for your marriage daily as well as your own struggles!) and I did the most wonderful bible study which really spoke to me LOUDLY called The Excellent Wife. I also did the study Becoming A Woman of Excellence and this spoke to me loudly about my biblical role of wife and mother. To this day I still remember parts which really spoke to my heart and I practice them still. I will tell you that I am a strong, Irish/Italian woman who does NOT like to be told what to do. Submission was worse than any four letter word I had heard, but what I decided to do was to submit TO my husband FOR GOD. This became so easy for me to do, doing it FOR GOD, and it tremendously blessed my husband and my marriage. Through the years, more and more of me has burned away and been tamed :001_smile: but I do have my moments, especially when I'm hormonal. Honestly, I can understand that you felt hurt your hubby didn't make your lunch, but don't listen to the enemy's whispers into your ear. If it means that much to your husband, make it for him and take pleasure knowing you're blessing GOD first, and also blessing your husband. I do hope the two of you can sit together and talk this through, both of you making changes for the other to keep your marriage alive. Yes, you were a single mother once, but you're not now, and as a Christian wife/mother you have the knowledge of what you're supposed to do, however it is a CHOICE to do it. It may be hard at first but with time it will get easy. I'm sorry you're going through this, Impish, and hope and pray for blessings upon your marriage and your family. :grouphug: Edited July 11, 2009 by Denisemomof4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 I just read a book by John Gottman. He has several books about marriage. I thought the book was great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 Thanks to everyone for all of their responses. Believe me when I say that they have all been read and will be thought alot about. I'm exhausted for today though, and heading off. Thank you for allowing me to share, and for listening, sharing, and offering advice, prayers, and support. It means so much, especially right now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peek a Boo Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 That's such a hard thing to work past. Augh, our worst year was due in large part to my harboring so much resentment. I had to learn how to tell him how I was feeling, which is something I still have difficulty with. That's where my, Friday evening turn the page, came from. Otherwise, it all just builds up until I'm a seething mountain of bitterness and by then, all the reasons have become this gray wall of 'just because.' well, ours was more along the lines of "if you had just been the Least. Bit. Kind." type of thing..... Even tho dh was an excellent provider, he was not *kind.* Removing his rage has produced a year that has been phenomenal. Or as he put it: "it occurred to me that I have to protect you from me as well." But it doesn't sound like Impish's situation is one characterized by abuse. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMe Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 I can vouch that whatever you give your husband, you'll get back. But it always takes the wife to do it first. My dh was admant about things like that as well and it's amazing how little it takes to please them, really. We have s*x daily if possible. We have a date every day same time. No, I don't always want to do it. But knowing that this is our time makes me realize that I have all day to do what it takes to be ready. I was always too tired. Well now I make sure I'm not. If that last load of laundry doesn't get done, then who cares. I found that this has made oodles of a difference. The nicer I am the nicer he is. The nicer you want to be as well, the closer you are. You'll want to get up and make the lunch (or do it the night before). They just want to know you care and it doesn't take much for men to realize this. The simplest things. They tend to feel used and unappreciated. Do the lunch do what you can do and make him the priority, not the kids. Really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 well, ours was more along the lines of "if you had just been the Least. Bit. Kind." type of thing..... Even tho dh was an excellent provider, he was not *kind.* Removing his rage has produced a year that has been phenomenal. Or as he put it: "it occurred to me that I have to protect you from me as well." But it doesn't sound like Impish's situation is one characterized by abuse. ;) Ah! See, my dh grew up raised by his step-grampa. He had no idea, beyond television, how a married couple worked. IOW, I was supposed to do ALL of the "women's work" and he was supposed to provide and relax. You can imagine how great that was for me. The resentment explosion was good for one thing, though... we understand each other MUCH better now, he is more kind, understanding and helpful and I am much more open and supportive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 On a forum like this, I have not idea what all the dynamics are. I do know that both spouses are imperfect adn that both are likely needing help and healing. In a Christian marriage, we are called to love our very imperfect spouses. It can be a dangerous trap to be a wife always having to jump through hoops to try and EARN the other's love. Unhappily, I've seen that happen in a couple of cases, and it was heartbreaking to watch. The husband's demands only got greater and greater. I hope that this is not going on here, but I share my thoughts for what they are worth. This seems like a situation that needs much more than a book on submission. This marriage needs a touch from the Lord and the power of a hands-on, praying community. With God's help, we can make it! :iagree:Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw helped DH and I to both see the things that we did to sabotage the relationship and helped us to communicate to each other. He finally understood why I felt like he didn't love me. It is not just your responsibility to keep the marriage happy. Have you told your DH how it made you feel when he didn't make your lunch? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.J. at J.A. Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 I highly recommend reading Created to be his Help Meet by Debi Pearl. I've also grown a lot by having read this book. Blessings, Angela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Anything written by Elizabeth George will help you. Er, maybe her non-fiction, as she is also a murder mystery author....! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladydusk Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Er, maybe her non-fiction, as she is also a murder mystery author....! I think they are two separate Elizabeth Georges ... I have a hard time imagining Elizabeth George writing Elizabeth Georges novels ... I picked one up under the same accidental failure to distinguish ... that was a surprise! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 You know, I always wondered about that, so I looked it up, and you're right (judging from the photos on two different EG websites) they are two different people. At any rate, you wouldn't want to read "Payment in Blood" or another by the mystery author EG if you were looking for marriage help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Er, maybe her non-fiction, as she is also a murder mystery author....! IIRC, Elizabeth George the murder mystery author has also penned novels under the name Barbara Michaels. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaylk in tx Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Elizabeth George the murder mystery author has also penned novels under the name Barbara Michaels. no, Barbara Michaels is also Elizabeth Peters.... of the Amelia Peabody books. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robberbutton Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 I read the OP, but not the rest of the responses (it's gone midnight, who knew this forum would be so addictive!). Anyway, just wanted to say :grouphug: and also that I LOVE Nancy Wilson's books, especially the Fruit of Her Hands. You'll see from the reviews on Amazon that people either love it or hate it, but if you're on board with the whole submitting to your husband thing, I think it's indispensible. A lot more Christian and Bible based than the Surrendered Wife (and shorter!). May God bless your endeavours, Clare Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Elizabeth George the murder mystery author has also penned novels under the name Barbara Michaels. no, Barbara Michaels is also Elizabeth Peters.... of the Amelia Peabody books. oops! Sorry. I got them confused!:blushing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christy B Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I try to rarely post a "contradictory" statement, the one exception being in regards to books and materials by the Pearls. I mean no disrespect toward those who recommended their materials, but I personally feel their books are so dangerous that whenever they are suggested, I feel compelled to urge the recipient of the suggestion to either avoid them altogether, or if you desire to read them, please be careful and critical of their content. My opinion, YMMV, the usual disclaimers. To the op, I am very sorry you are struggling and I hope all the best for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I try to rarely post a "contradictory" statement, the one exception being in regards to books and materials by the Pearls. I mean no disrespect toward those who recommended their materials, but I personally feel their books are so dangerous that whenever they are suggested, I feel compelled to urge the recipient of the suggestion to either avoid them altogether, or if you desire to read them, please be careful and critical of their content. My opinion, YMMV, the usual disclaimers. :iagree: I am a conservative Christian woman who accepts and seeks to follow the Bible's teachings, including those related to marriage in Ephesians 5, but I feel very much the way Christy described regarding the Pearls. Thgugh I am glad that some people have benefited from their materials, I personally would recommend steering clear of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Impish, I have no advice for you, but I will send you some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:, and my sincere hopes that everything will work out between you and your dh. As far as I can tell, he's lucky to have you, and I hope he realizes how hard you're trying, and that he will work just as hard as you are to get your marriage back on track. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I have heard that Created to be His Help Meet seems to encourage an abusive dynamic in a relationship. From what else I have heard of the Pearls I do not doubt it. My marriage was in trouble (deep trouble!!!) because I was too submissive and DH is quite the opposite. I have to stand up for myself and he had to learn to tell me to stand up for myself. DH always having the loudest voice was not good for us at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I highly recommend this article: What Does Headship in Marriage Really Mean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 My marriage is certainly no model -- my dh is irritated pretty regularly w/ me because I don't. . . you know. . . enough. What I realized recently (we've been together 19 yrs.) is that I have so much power to make my dh (and my kids for that matter) happy. My dh doesn't care about lunch, but boy, if I make him a batch of chocolate chip cookies he's so thrilled. When I realized cookies did something for him, I was like, "what the??" but now I just don't care. I make the stupid cookies. He came home the other night. He was tired. I was cranky. I had a huge project due. The kids were wanting attention and we all started getting testy with each other. I remembered that all I had to do was put some ice cubes in his water, toss some salad with his favorite dressing, take it to him where he was hiding on the computer and say, "dinner will be ready in ten minutes." (I had something that was frozen and just needed cooking.) I gave the kids juice boxes which they never get, a Magic School Bus show which they rarely get and everyone was happy again. I felt such POWER. Dr. Laura talks about this power women have and it's taken me 44 years to wake up to it. But I'm in charge now and I'm loving it!! Hang in there and make his stupid lunches (I'm baking cookies), Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 My marriage is certainly no model -- my dh is irritated pretty regularly w/ me because I don't. . . you know. . . enough. What I realized recently (we've been together 19 yrs.) is that I have so much power to make my dh (and my kids for that matter) happy. My dh doesn't care about lunch, but boy, if I make him a batch of chocolate chip cookies he's so thrilled. When I realized cookies did something for him, I was like, "what the??" but now I just don't care. I make the stupid cookies. He came home the other night. He was tired. I was cranky. I had a huge project due. The kids were wanting attention and we all started getting testy with each other. I remembered that all I had to do was put some ice cubes in his water, toss some salad with his favorite dressing, take it to him where he was hiding on the computer and say, "dinner will be ready in ten minutes." (I had something that was frozen and just needed cooking.) I gave the kids juice boxes which they never get, a Magic School Bus show which they rarely get and everyone was happy again. I felt such POWER. Dr. Laura talks about this power women have and it's taken me 44 years to wake up to it. But I'm in charge now and I'm loving it!! Hang in there and make his stupid lunches (I'm baking cookies), Alley Yep! I realized if I don't want DH bugging me about this or that then I give him something to make him less cranky. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Another vote for watching the movie Fireproof together. Dh and I were in tears and very motivated to make changes after we saw it. God can restore your marriage! As a spin-off, the book in that movie, The Love Dare is really good, and there is a new one out, The Respect Dare, written for wives. Because men crave Respect, not necessarily love. It was written by a friend of mine, but I"m recommending it because I truly believe in what the book says. Several other books that I have run across recently include Sacred Marriage, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, For Women Only, & Created to Be His Helpmeet. There was one part of the book Sacred Marriage that spoke volumes to me. The author spoke about the Last Supper, when Jesus was washing the disciples' feet. Which included the feet of Judas, the disciple who betrayed Him. Do we think Jesus scrubbed a little harder on his feet, or did he wash them just as tenderly as he did the feet of the other disciples? Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him, he discussed it at the dinner, and yet he washed ALL of their feet, an incredible act of service (and remember, they lived in dusty climates and walked with just sandals, if that!) I think of that often as I am serving the others in my family, whether it be the 90th load of laundry that week, or cooking dinner when I am dog tired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Dr Laura's books were very good for me and my marriage. I do get the whole needing to drop resentment and just be kind and generous thing. My marriage changed, and dh did change toward me. However, I also feel that learning to communicate effectively when there is conflict, and stand up for myself when I was being too doormattish so that resentment doesn't build much, helps a lot, too. My dh is an extroverted A type personality with strong opinions and a tendency to love to take care of everyone in his life in a controlling way. He has told me many times over the years that me standing up to him has been very good for him. For me, standing up to him in a way that isn't emasculating, that doesnt completely annihialate him or condemn everything about him, has been a long journey for me. He appreciates and can hear me much better, even if he has been way off and wrong, if I just approach the issue in a specific way, rather than spinning off into a torrent of resentment. Dealing with resentment overall has been a biggie for me. Dr Laura's books helped me get myself into perspective and focus less on me and more on him, and I realised I was quite selfish and self centred. But then, so can he be- and I don't feel its to anyone's greater benefit for one person to dominate. However, the art is to stand up for myself in a way that is not actually destructive or righteous, just healthy and constructive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I have heard that Created to be His Help Meet seems to encourage an abusive dynamic in a relationship. From what else I have heard of the Pearls I do not doubt it. My marriage was in trouble (deep trouble!!!) because I was too submissive and DH is quite the opposite. I have to stand up for myself and he had to learn to tell me to stand up for myself. DH always having the loudest voice was not good for us at all. I had a similar experience - though NOT due to any material by the Pearls, author(s) I have never read, but other books that either I misunderstood or were misleading. The "Boundaries in Marriage" book by Cloud/Towsend - also CC - is explaining these concepts in a way that make a lot more sense and do not leave a woman feeling, she has lost her identity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 My marriage was in trouble (deep trouble!!!) because I was too submissive and DH is quite the opposite. I have to stand up for myself and he had to learn to tell me to stand up for myself. DH always having the loudest voice was not good for us at all. You know, this was not the only thing... I was a jerk as much as DH. I got the attitude from my mom that men are strong and never as sick or in pain as much as women. I also assumed that DH had a very high self esteem and that he knew that he was better looking and more capable than me, so I generally avoided complementing him, not wanting to make his head any bigger. (I was wrong on both counts... and I am still working on it.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I have heard that Created to be His Help Meet seems to encourage an abusive dynamic in a relationship. From what else I have heard of the Pearls I do not doubt it. My marriage was in trouble (deep trouble!!!) because I was too submissive and DH is quite the opposite. I have to stand up for myself and he had to learn to tell me to stand up for myself. DH always having the loudest voice was not good for us at all. Yes. I read and implemented the Pearl's advice from CTBHHM and it turned my dh into an insufferable jerk. (Not bashing - he would agree!:D) Thankfully I returned to our previous arrangement before the marriage was irreparably harmed.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks to everyone that has responded! I have no intention of becoming a 'doormat'. That would have my husband :ack2: at the very thought! :lol: I'm blessed in that 'standing up for myself' isn't something that needs to happen a whole heck of a lot, as Wolf tends to be quite considerate...unless we're in a bad place, and then that flies out the window in a heartbeat. He's the kind of man that ENCOURAGES me to go out with SpecialMama, or to a homeschool coffee meet up, what have you. He knows that getting out of the house makes for a happier, healthier wife. One of the reasons he married me was because I wouldn't let him stomp all over me. I don't believe that being 'submissive' is being a doormat. To *me* its about saying, believing and respecting my husband as the head of the household. To quit the power struggle that's been ongoing from the very start of our marriage. I believe that I am to be his partner, his helpmeet...not his boss. As an update, thanks to all of you who have prayed for us. I've basically gone full steam ahead, following what God had placed in my heart months ago. The response of my husband is nothing short of dramatic. Although its only been a few days, he's been immediately responsive to every effort I've made. Be it the house being neater (as best I can, still the One Armed Wonder here, and he realizes that) or the fact that I'm actually putting effort into my appearance, and not slouching around the house all day in pjs or jogging pants and shirts that were meant for someone 3x my size. The other thing that comes next is...turning my house into a home, bit by bit. I've never bothered with home deco. First of all, I'm clueless...or at least maintained that I was, because to ME, its danged scary stuff. Second, we rent. Why put money into a place that's not ours, in terms of paint, etc? Perhaps to make it a more enjoyable place, a home for your family, you dumb bunny! D'oh! Seriously, this stuff just didn't surface in my brain. I'd been taught all my life I wasn't good at it, I wasn't feminine...So despite being a good mother I had no clue about so many things that are deemed in the female province. But, I've discovered I LIKE dressing more feminine. And I'm going to slowly do somethings around this place too. Probably not paint, as we *do* hope to move soon, but at least little things that we can take with us when we go. I appreciate all your prayers, and would greatly appreciate if you continued to pray for us. Its a long journey, and I know that a few days seem promising, but that won't tell the tale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Wow Impish! I thik you might be a good influence on me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Impish, What a nice thing to come and read that the things you've tried are having some good effect. I have been feeling similarly - that God is laying on my heart to try harder to love my DH the way He would have me love him. I just hope it's not too obvious and doesn't come across as manipulative. After 20 years of marriage he has me pretty well figured out and would know if I was up to something. I'm encouraged that what you are trying is helping him see that you are trying and want this to work! I will continue to pray for you!!!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 bravo to you, Impish! It's more than hopeful that your hubby is so responding to your changes. One thing that became important to me when I was doing my study was to turn our home into my husband's haven at the end of the day. He commutes 45 miles to work each way so we could have our dream home in the country. He hates his job but keeps going there because it's steady and the company is doing well, even in this horrible economy. He is an excellent provider and I wanted him to come home, relax, unwind, and truly be at peace. I learned some things through the Excellent Wife bible study. I learned that walking into a home with delicious aromas was such a blessing to my hubby, so I made sure that dinner was well on its way before he walked through the door. Unless he's the one doing the cooking (dh loves to cook and is AWESOME at it!) I also made sure that I was presentable. I have days where we school in our pj's (next year it will be Tuesdays!) but I tried to have my hair done and at least a little blush on my face or a touch of mascara, but on most days fully dressed and presentable. I also had all kids and myself go through the house 15 minutes before dad walked through the door and put everything in its proper place. That way hubby could walk through the door and relax. If changes STARTS with you, he will respond and change, too. I think for now you need to focus on what God has laid on your heart and work on that. But in time, perhaps you can speak to Wolf about YOUR needs so that both of your needs are being met. I'm sorry you suffer through such pain. I haven't caught any posts where you've described your condition but did a quick search and all I can say is that I'm sorry. It must make keeping up the house much more difficult. One other thing - I have a list of about 10+ EASY dinners to make for my family. I use these especially during our busy homeschool times. I try to simplify everything. I've also learned to make myself a chore chart and assign household chores to certain days helps me to keep on top of everything. I never realized that you could actually have plant watering on a schedule to provide that choked, dying plant from ever getting into that condition. :D I also surprise dh irregularly with candle lit dinners alone. The kids are either upstairs, in the basement, in the barn or outside. But dh usually is the one blessing in the romance department and we're finally starting our weekly date nights again. I'd encourage you to have time alone with your hubby regularly, even if it's just a walk together. DO keep up with regular time outside the home for yourself. I didn't realize its importance until much later in life, and I find that I'm much happier, and therefore so is my family, when I actually do something FOR MYSELF, be it time with friends, time alone, a class, etc. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 The other thing that comes next is...turning my house into a home, bit by bit. I've never bothered with home deco. First of all, I'm clueless...or at least maintained that I was, because to ME, its danged scary stuff. Second, we rent. Why put money into a place that's not ours, in terms of paint, etc? Perhaps to make it a more enjoyable place, a home for your family, you dumb bunny! D'oh! Seriously, this stuff just didn't surface in my brain. I'd been taught all my life I wasn't good at it, I wasn't feminine...So despite being a good mother I had no clue about so many things that are deemed in the female province. Anyone can arrange flowers. I don't know that guys care about that, but it does add a homey touch. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kareng Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Dear Impish, I can understand your pain - my husband and I were on the brink of not physical separation but emotional separation after our twins died (in utero). It was only because we were so broken and willing to do whatever it took, that God rescued us out of the deep dark pit. I remember when I was a new Christian and heard the word "submission" and thought, "You've got to be kidding, right?" It's been a long process but God has allowed me to honor (submit to) my husband by doing the things that make him feel respected. Men need to feel respected whereas women need to be loved. I'm not saying that we don't also need to be respected and that men don't need to be loved, of course we do. But for men, feeling respected is so very important. An important resource in addition to all that have already been listed is: a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. He's a counselor and it took him years to realize how to make things work in his own marriage. He shares good insights and stories from people who have benefited from his book. Blessings to you and your husband. God sees your heart and will meet you where you are. I will keep you in your husband in my prayers. Karen G. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I'm reading the new novel by Joyce Meyer, Any Minute. It really addresses a similar situation and might be inspiring. Sometimes a novel can drive something home when you see problems/solutions in action. I'm praying for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Anyone can arrange flowers. I don't know that guys care about that, but it does add a homey touch. Rosie Surprisingly, Wolf *does* care about stuff like that. He complained, early in our marriage, that I didn't seem to care about making our house a home. I didn't take an interest in arranging furniture, adding houseplants, any 'homey' touches at all. Pride prevented me from confessing that all of that was incredibly intimidating to me, and as long as the furniture FIT into a room, I was happy. :blushing: My 'big' home deco is the 'higher' 'to the left' 'nope, down a bit' when it comes to hanging our family pictures :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 The other thing that comes next is...turning my house into a home, bit by bit. I've never bothered with home deco. First of all, I'm clueless...or at least maintained that I was, because to ME, its danged scary stuff. Second, we rent. Why put money into a place that's not ours, in terms of paint, etc? Perhaps to make it a more enjoyable place, a home for your family, you dumb bunny! D'oh! Seriously, this stuff just didn't surface in my brain. I'd been taught all my life I wasn't good at it, I wasn't feminine...So despite being a good mother I had no clue about so many things that are deemed in the female province. A great book to inspire you in this: The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof2boys Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Created to be his helpmee tby Debi Pearl. This was a life changing book for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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