Do you spank your children?

[gingersmom]

Over the past two days I read two threads that involved spanking their children because they did not do as asked (aka misbehaved).

 

I must admit I am kinda in shock. I always thought spanking was a thing of the past. I live in the North and maybe we do things different around here. I don't know of anyone who admits to spanking their kids (what they do in private I don't know).

 

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but it does. I am not passing judgement on anyone!!! Don't send me hate mail.

 

My son had very serious behavior issues up until about age 5 (he did not speak till he was 4 and had serious sensory issues. He was seriously frustrated at not being able to speak and communicate his wants/needs). If I had spanked him everytime he misbehaved I would have been put in jail for child abuse.

 

I just thought in this day/time people had figured out better ways of dealing with their children.

 

End of my rambling.

[JudoMom]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but it does. I am not passing judgement on anyone!!! Don't send me hate mail.

 

I just thought in this day/time people had figured out better ways of dealing with their children.

 

:confused: I thought you weren't passing judgment on anyone?

[gingersmom]

If it comes out that I am passing judgement that was not my intention.

 

I was just making an observation, thinking out loud, etc.

[Jennifer in MI]

Nope. You are not alone. I can't imagine hitting my kids. (Although, I admit sometimes I want to!)

[Miss Peregrine]

No.

[hsmamainva]

Nope.

[lionfamily1999]

I do.

 

Perhaps it's because I'm from the south and backwards.

[Nakia]

I'll be the oddball. Yes, we spank.

 

ETA: Julie, we were posting at the same time.

[ezrabean2005]

We do. But it is based on what works for each child. Our older three have not been spanked in several years (12, 10, and 8). Our youngest is 4 and he still gets occasional spankings. There are other consequences though - we try to use "natural" consequences whenever we can: Child leaves out something to be stepped on, that item is taken away for the rest of the day. Child complains about dinner, child is to eat that dinner anyway with a grateful heart. If not, he eats it for breakfast the next morning (In our house, food is food and is to make our bodies run and be healthy: it's not to always be the five things the kids like :001_smile:).

 

For your son, especially since he had those issues spanking may not have worked for him. Clearly he's made it until now just fine and you must be satisfied with the results (or this would be a different kind of thread with different questions). Each parent and each child is different and has different needs.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I live in Texas. Over 99% of kids are spanked. However, if you research, you will see the majority of kids in ANY state in our country have been spanked. It's VERY common.

 

I think there is more talk about doing differently and that many people do differently for various things. Maybe kids are being hit less often and less severely (one message board I'm on defines spanking as 1-2 swats with a hand on a clothed bum...but very few people I've known IRL would consider that spanking at all...they'd consider people that only did THAT to be nonspankers!).

 

Anyway, spanking is not necessary and there are ALWAYS better options. But I think what is MOST important is that parents discipline. If you spank and don't discipline, your kids will be terrors. If you don't spank and don't discipline, your kids will be terrors. Kids NEED discipline. What punishment is used, if any, really has very little to do with how a kid turns out (unless they are very sensitive and the punishment causes harm or the parent is abusive whether hitting or not).

 

I believe in the Bible 100%. The scriptures, when discussing teaching and discipline, talk about being constant, mild, kind, gentle, persistent, consistent, positive, reasoning, careful, firm, helpful, wise, etc. If people actually DID those things, they'd find VERY few times they felt compelled to punish AT ALL, much less hit their kids. When my kids were little, I did a scripture study and wrote down like 40 verses about the above. That helped me become the parent that I wanted to be (obeying God, loving, teaching, mindful). And I have wonderful teens so the Bible's way works which doesn't surprise me, but some people don't think you can be the above and raise good kids.

 

Anyway, I don't think spanking is the end of the world, but I do think that if a parent is finding themselves punishing (in any way) even semi-regularly, they and their children would benefit if they'd beef up their DISCIPLINE (teaching/guiding) skills and tools.

Edited July 2, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[lionfamily1999]

ETA: Julie, we were posting at the same time.

I thought I'd be the oddball too :)

[kalanamak]

 

I just thought in this day/time people had figured out better ways of dealing with their children.

 

 

 

I have done what my parents did. If my child continues to disobey me and is destructive (purposefully breaking something in full view to try and force his own way), sarcastic or mocking in the mix, I take him to his room and give him three whacks with a peice of balsa (think something with the heft of an old wood yardstick). This stings, but doesn't transmit force to the underlying muscle. It work to improve the attitude immediately.

 

I have done it about 9 times total in my son's life, and none in the last year. If it were not a rare and passing thing, I would have looked to other methods, but it worked for my child the way it worked for me as a child. When I was thinking of doing something "bad" I would think about that piece of balsa in the drawer and refrain, even if years had passed. But, I think both my son and I are inclined to just plain old "trying to be good". Not taught; in our nature.

 

I'm sure this seems barbaric to some and ineffectually infrequent to others. C'est la vie.

Edited July 3, 2009 by kalanamak

[Elm in NJ]

I can count on one hand the number of times I have spanked each of my boys. My oldest is almost 14 and my twins are 8. I think my middle son (ADHD, and more, I'm guessing) probably had more spankings when he was 3 than any of the other kids. I solved that problem by taking them all to Sierra Leone for a year where he was free to run around and play from am to pm. When we got back, he was a lot more manageable, or maybe I was a lot less stressed and could cope a bit more.

[nukeswife]

Yes I spank my children, but I guess according to that one group mentioned by a pper I'm not a spanker. To me a spanking it 1-2 quick swats with and open hand on a clothed bum. My kids very rarely get spanked because they generally do as asked. Spankings are for when all other methods have failed.

 

I think everyone must do what's right for their own family. The ones I think need to find a new system are the ones that calmly sit on the park bench repeating "Johnny, stop that" "Johnny that's not nice" over and over but never get up and actually deal with the child who's doing something they clearly think he shouldn't be. I don't care if it's a swat or a time out, or whatever else they do, but they really need to do SOMETHING!

[mafi39]

Yes, we spank. It's not the only method of discipline we use, but it's the quickest attitude adjuster :) All kids are different, my dd is the type to get spanked very rarely and only when her attitude is disrespectful, my ds is more rowdy and into everything, and a spanking works well with him. I don't just spank and leave it at that, there is a whole discussion about why they are getting a spanking. We discuss attitudes or the misbehavior, spank, talk to them, love them and they go on about their day. When my son was 2,3,4 he was spanked more often than now. I also believe in the bible 100% and I want them to know and fear the Lord. I teach them about kindness, love, honesy, respectfullness and I do think it will pay off.

[Highereducation]

No, I don't.

 

I got spanked once as a child and there was also the everpresent threat of the dreaded wooden spoon, lol.

 

Not long after that spanking I ended up needing kidney surgery. Totally unrelated to the spanking, but I was a vindictive kid, and I told my parents that it was their fault. So there was a lot of guilt on their part for years. I made them feel awful.

 

Anyway, my position on spanking is this: if I'm teaching my kid not to strike out at others, then spanking is hypocritical, and sets a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do precedent. IMO, it results in confusion for the child and sets up a lack of trust. Again, that's just my opinion. I have friends who feel differently and do spank their children, and we agree to disagree.

[abbeyej]

We certainly don't spank for every offense, or as our primary (or even secondary) discipline measure -- but yes, it is one tool that I use, among others. One that I have occasionally found valuable. (Especially, as someone pointed out, for prolonged, outright defiance.) I don't think you should assume that because many of us admit to spanking, that we go around whacking our children willy-nilly for every infraction! We use discussion (and the all-important Mommy Eyes!), natural consequences, time-outs, removal of privileges, etc, with far more frequency.

[Hillary in KS]

We certainly don't spank for every offense, or as our primary (or even secondary) discipline measure -- but yes, it is one tool that I use, among others. One that I have occasionally found valuable. (Especially, as someone pointed out, for prolonged, outright defiance.) I don't think you should assume that because many of us admit to spanking, that we go around whacking our children willy-nilly for every infraction! We use discussion (and the all-important Mommy Eyes!), natural consequences, time-outs, removal of privileges, etc, with far more frequency.

 

:iagree:

 

This is us too.

[Veritaserum]

We don't spank. I was spanked as a child as was dh. Neither of us found it to be at all effective for changing a child's attitude and behavior. The whole idea of spanking does disturb me at this point because there are other (and I believe more effective) ways of correcting and teaching a child.

[dirty ethel rackham]

My parenting philosophy is strong on discipline, low on punishment and non-spanking. I have spanked on a few occasions, but it out of frustration, fatigue, "didn't know what to do" kind of situation and have always regretted it. It was I who needed discipline more than the kids. Spanking fractured the relationship and made the behavior worse rather than better. I was raised in a spanking home. Most of my memories growing up are of my parents anger - very few memories of love and approval.

 

ETA: My parents strongly disapproved of my stance on spanking. They told me on more than one occasion that I was doing my kids a disservice and they will grow up to be self-centered, lazy brats. Well, dh was never spanked and he is one of the kindest, most disciplined, least self-centered people I have ever met. So, I knew it was possible. Well, about a year ago, my mom commented on how respectful and well behaved my kids are and how they get along so well. She admitted to me that she has been proven wrong and that there was more than one way to accomplish the job.

Edited July 2, 2009 by dirty ethel rackham
adding info.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I think our discipline system falls along the same lines as Abbey's family. But, yes, we do spank as a last resort for heinous crimes against humanity.

[lionfamily1999]

I always thought spanking was a thing of the past. I live in the North and maybe we do things different around here. I don't know of anyone who admits to spanking their kids (what they do in private I don't know).

Because, as we all know, people in the South are slow, backwards and cling onto the past. We can't help it.:glare:

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but it does. I am not passing judgement on anyone!!!

:blink:No, not judgemental at all.

I don't think you should assume that because many of us admit to spanking, that we go around whacking our children willy-nilly for every infraction!

or that we have not...

figured out better ways of dealing with their children.

Because many parents have and most...

use discussion (and the all-important Mommy Eyes!), natural consequences, time-outs, removal of privileges, etc, with far more frequency.

[Old Dominion Heather]

*snort*:lol:

[jplain]

I was spanked as a child, as was my husband.

Spanking is not a part of our disciplinary toolbox.

I can't reconcile the hypocrisy of hitting my children as punishment with my responsibility to teach them not to hit others.

 

I've discussed it with my father, and he protests, "But we didn't spank that often!" Perhaps not, but I remember it vividly. It has a prominent place in my childhood memories. That isn't how I want my children to remember their parents. For my family, I'm confident that there are always non-violent alternatives.

Edited July 2, 2009 by jplain

[fivetails]

Nope, we don't - at their ages now, they're pretty much beyond 'spanking age' anyway, but even if we had wanted to spank, it would not have been effective with ds10. Most people spank with the intention of the child feeling a 'light sting' or some other light form of temporary light physical pain, right? Ds10 doesn't feel pain the same way as a typical child. The normal swats on the bum that most spankings involve - he would just laugh at that and wonder what in the world you were doing.

 

Even without that particular issue, though, his other disabilities would also render spanking ineffective - plus, we don't personally believe in using that form of discipline in our family.

[Dirtroad]

"Yep, from the South here also.... and if they really don't behave, I threaten a lynchin' (spit).... while yelling at dogs & Bobbie Sue to get out from under the porch." :banghead: Where is Rhett? {{complete sarcasm, but has a real point}}

 

Please!

 

Seriously, what an offensive question. By your tone, regardless of what anyone answers to the opposite, you have made your decision.

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm sure this seems barbaric to some and ineffectually infrequent to others.

 

 

This is my life! I have people on one side who think I am way to mean and strict with my kids and the other side thinks I don't discipline at all.

 

There are so many different ways to parent.

[amy g.]

We do not spank, although I do think that I swatted my oldest once. it was completely a result of my own limitations. It made me feel sick afterward, so I never did it again.

 

Miss Bossy has been a difficult one not to spank. I've spent some time just holding and restraining her when she was out of control. Just this week, we have noticed her internal sense of right and wrong coming out. I'm thankful for all of the time we spent talking to her, even though it seemed pointless at the time.

 

 

I think that good parents can disipline a lot of different ways. I don't think rare spanking is always bad, but I have ended friendships with people who only use spanking with toddlers for every offense-no explanations, no prevention, no redirection.

 

I just can't deal with that. It is too painful to watch.

[jplain]

As another poster mentioned, this has little to do with where you live. The percentage of parents who spank is very high, across the country. It wouldn't surprise me, however, if there are regional differences in how willing parents are to talk about it. For example, I wonder if spanking is more openly discussed in states that still allow corporal punishment in schools.

 

From a 1995 Boston Globe article:

Here are some facts about spanking, culled from several recent national surveys of parents:

- 68 percent of American parents think spanking is not only good but essential to child rearing;

- 90 percent of parents spank their toddlers at least three times a week; two-thirds spank them once a day;

- One in four parents begin to spank when their child is 6 months old, 50 percent when their child is 12 months old;

- 52 percent of 13- and 14-year-olds get spanked; 20 percent of high school seniors do.

I can't speak to the accuracy of these specific statistics, but they seem to be in line with the rate of ~90% reported in many studies.

 

But I'm certainly with all of you who have a hard time resisting hitting. It was done to me, and a subconscious part my brain still believes it is the right way to handle extremely frustrating situations involving my children. (Oddly, I never have an urge to hit others' children, or to hit adults. Just my own kids.) One of my goals is for my children not to feel the same way when handling behavior problems with their own children.

Edited July 2, 2009 by jplain
clarity, need clarity!

[lionfamily1999]

"Yep, from the South here also.... and if they really don't behave, I threaten a lynchin' (spit).... while yelling at dogs & Bobbie Sue to get out from under the porch." :banghead: Where is Rhett? {{complete sarcasm, but has a real point}}

 

Please!

 

Seriously, what an offensive question. By your tone, regardless of what anyone answers to the opposite, you have made your decision.

:lol:

 

So glad I'm not the only one that comment miffed. Thought I was getting thin-skinned.

[gingersmom]

"Yep, from the South here also.... and if they really don't behave, I threaten a lynchin' (spit).... while yelling at dogs & Bobbie Sue to get out from under the porch." :banghead: Where is Rhett? {{complete sarcasm, but has a real point}}

 

Please!

 

Seriously, what an offensive question. By your tone, regardless of what anyone answers to the opposite, you have made your decision.

 

I'm not sure what is getting you so upset about.

 

Yes I have made my decision. Spanking is not for me. Sue me!

 

Why is it only people from the South crying foul? What if I said I am from Utah instead of the North? Would that be acceptable to you?

 

Clearly I think you are confusing my posts with other issues you may have.

 

Anyone from anywhere else in the country care to comment? Have I offended the other 49 states? Anyone from Alaska or Hawaii care to chime in?

 

I don't think its a stretch of the imagination to imagine that people from different parts of the world have different customs/beliefs.

 

Maybe you have only lived in one area your entire life and are quite sheltered. I have lived all over the United States and have discovered different customs, speech, etc.

 

Apparently the posters from "the South" must be overly sensitive or it struck some nerve. Spank all you want. Live and be happy. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.

 

:001_smile:

[lionfamily1999]

I'm not sure what is getting you so upset about.

 

Yes I have made my decision. Spanking is not for me. Sue me!

 

Why is it only people from the South crying foul? What if I said I am from Utah instead of the North? Would that be acceptable to you?

 

Clearly I think you are confusing my posts with other issues you may have.

 

Anyone from anywhere else in the country care to comment? Have I offended the other 49 states? Anyone from Alaska or Hawaii care to chime in?

 

I don't think its a stretch of the imagination to imagine that people from different parts of the world have different customs/beliefs.

 

Maybe you have only lived in one area your entire life and are quite sheltered. I have lived all over the United States and have discovered different customs, speech, etc.

 

Apparently the posters from "the South" must be overly sensitive or it struck some nerve. Spank all you want. Live and be happy. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.

 

:001_smile:

How about when you insinuated that it was because you were from the North? Yes, yes, you're so cultured. Good for you, didn't realize this was a Brag Alert.

 

Oh, and btw, the South encompasses more than merely one state. Check a map, maybe they don't do geography up North?

Edited July 2, 2009 by lionfamily1999

[gingersmom]

How about when you insinuated that it was because you were from the North? Yes, yes, you're so cultured. Good for you, didn't realize this was a Brag Alert.

 

I think someone has a chip on the shoulder. You may want to take it to another post. Or a therapist.

 

:001_smile:

[abbeyej]

I think someone has a chip on the shoulder. You may want to take it to another post. Or a therapist.

 

Wow. If anyone had any doubt about whether you were trying to be offensive before, you have effectively ... dealt with ... that doubt now.

[JudoMom]

I'm not sure what is getting you so upset about.

 

Yes I have made my decision. Spanking is not for me. Sue me!

 

Why is it only people from the South crying foul? What if I said I am from Utah instead of the North? Would that be acceptable to you?

 

Clearly I think you are confusing my posts with other issues you may have.

 

Anyone from anywhere else in the country care to comment? Have I offended the other 49 states? Anyone from Alaska or Hawaii care to chime in?

 

I don't think its a stretch of the imagination to imagine that people from different parts of the world have different customs/beliefs.

 

Maybe you have only lived in one area your entire life and are quite sheltered. I have lived all over the United States and have discovered different customs, speech, etc.

 

Apparently the posters from "the South" must be overly sensitive or it struck some nerve. Spank all you want. Live and be happy. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.

 

:001_smile:

 

Yep. You've offended me and I'm from the West, but raised in the South by Mid-western parents, and married to a man from the North. As a matter of fact, from the tone of your posts in this thread, I'm having a hard time taking you seriously. You sound like you think you're quite superior to the rest of us.

 

But, live and be happy :001_smile:.

[Tree House Academy]

I do.

 

Perhaps it's because I'm from the south and backwards.

 

Yep, us too. We are southern and obviously not as refinied as you northerners. We just beat our kids with sticks when they are bad - it is all part of the Southern heritage, you know. :glare: :cursing:

 

ETA: OMG...reading your other rude remarks about living in one place all our lives, etc. You totally need to stop typing now. Offensive is NOT the word! Back off!

Edited July 2, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[SquirrellyMama]

Apparently the posters from "the South" must be overly sensitive or it struck some nerve. Spank all you want. Live and be happy. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.

 

I'm from the midwest and I admit that I have some bias against the Northeast and Northwest. Mainly because we get articles and letters in the newspaper every once in a while about why they are so much better, more cultured, more educated, blah, blah, blah. How much more enlightened they are about parenting. Yay for them. I'll start my kids' therapist fund now for having a mom who spanked them.

[jplain]

I'm from the midwest and I admit that I have some bias against the Northeast and Northwest. Mainly because we get articles and letters in the newspaper every once in a while about why they are so much better, more cultured, more educated, blah, blah, blah.

I grew up on the West Coast and went to school on the East Coast, where I now live. But I lived in the Midwest for 4 years after grad school, and I'd move back in a heartbeat if I had the opportunity! :D

[Highereducation]

I grew up on the West Coast and went to school on the East Coast, where I now live. But I lived in the Midwest for 4 years after grad school, and I'd move back in a heartbeat if I had the opportunity! :D

 

Agreed. I don't find the East Coast to be *more* anything, except perhaps more rude and rushed! And I grew up here!

 

Dh and I spend considerable time discussing our move to Montana. Wishful thinking!

[Impish]

Gee, I'm in Canada, so I'm even more North. Even north by Canadian standards, really...And I spank occasionally.

:leaving:

[Dirtroad]

I assume south b/c you pointed out NORTH.... they are the opposite ends of that spectrum. Had you specifically said East, then perhaps folks in the West (Utah & Alaska) would have responded accordingly.

 

I do not understand the need to post about spanking if you have no interest in learning, growing/changing, or better understanding some element of the issue. It seems it was more to stir the pot and get people on an offensive. Why start the fight? You knew it would b/c you noted it at the end of your comment.

 

Spanking has NOTHING to do with geography. To assume a geographical correlation is to do the same as assuming a racial or sexual correlation to a subject. Very devisive & judgemental... so I applied sarcasm to point that out.

 

Spanking has more to do with a world-view concept of curbing strong issues of defiance (for most). It is also constantly confused with abuse or hitting or beatings (depending on how severly someone opposed it)(also by the people who do it & use the terminology).

 

(1) I have seen some call lashing out in anger or frustration at the child, a spanking. This is not a discipline area, even if they call it discipline spanking. (2) I have seen some call a belt & tying kid to a tree, a spanking. This is seriously not discipline, but (by most standards) very abusive & (thankfully) did end up in court.

 

(3) I see others who sit down with a child (in love & correction) and discuss the defiant behavior (NOT childishness or mistakes or accidents) and then handle a very controlled & disciplined model of behavior correction (spanking). After the child has time to think and compose themselves, the parent (in complete love) goes back and discusses the behavior and how it can be corrected or avoided next time. Many even pray with a child before/after such situations. (4) I am sure other examples can be used.

 

So spanking is controversial & hard to define. Of course, as you step on the toes of someones beliefs and use very conclusive and opinionated wording, you will get strong responses. Not being mean, just passionate.

[Laura Corin]

Nope.

 

Laura

[Lacie]

We spank. It is not our only punishment for the kids, nor is it the first punishment used... but we do spank when we feel it is needed.

[Mommyof4ks]

We did. My dd and youngest ds do fine just being talked to and put in time out, but my middle son would not listen unless he got a spanking. It is not pc to admit such a thing around here either, but I know alot of people do (just listen to the kids lol).

 

Of course OP you would not spank your child with sensory issues. He has a medical reason why he cannot behave, so that would be unjust punishment. For a strong willed child though it is a different thing and my middle ds finally understands that we are serious about things so his behavior is so much better.

[Jenny in Atl]

Nope, never did... I was also never spanked, nor were my brothers. My dh on the other hand was whipped (either with a belt or switch). He never wanted his kids to feel that kind of fear and pain from someone they loved.

[ciyates]

Oh course we spank how else could they learn Mandarin at 2? JK :lol:

 

Seriously we do spank when our son has been is purposely doing things wrong. It is more of an attitude adjustment than anything else. He was never spanked as a little guy but he had a more than a few when he was a little older. He is now 13 and hasn't had one in a few years.

 

I am and always be a Southerner, my DH is a Yankee (scandalous I know!) and we live in the Midwest. I don't think it is geography. I know many children that spanking would not work with and I know some that need to hear the phrase "Go outside and cut a switch!" It really really depends on the kids.

 

Good luck all! (Okay I am sorry I could not resist! It must be one of those mornings). :D

[swellmomma]

I spank the kids, but it is certainly not the first method we use or the only one. I spank for serious infractions, lying, stealing, dangerous thing (climbing on the roof, running away, fire starting). I do not typically start spanking until the age of 2, though my youngest has gotten 1 pop on the bottom once and has fallen in line ever since, she however is very verbal and very obedient already, so she is already 100% easier than the olders where at her age(and beyond).

 

My 2 oldest I am getting away from spankings as they are approaching puberty. Ds5 still gets them but fewer than the older 2 ever got. HE just does not have the same issues that they do and therefore was not in as much trouble as them.

[runninmommy]

Over the past two days I read two threads that involved spanking their children because they did not do as asked (aka misbehaved).

 

I must admit I am kinda in shock. I always thought spanking was a thing of the past. I live in the North and maybe we do things different around here. I don't know of anyone who admits to spanking their kids (what they do in private I don't know).

 

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but it does. I am not passing judgement on anyone!!! Don't send me hate mail.

 

My son had very serious behavior issues up until about age 5 (he did not speak till he was 4 and had serious sensory issues. He was seriously frustrated at not being able to speak and communicate his wants/needs). If I had spanked him everytime he misbehaved I would have been put in jail for child abuse.

 

I just thought in this day/time people had figured out better ways of dealing with their children.

 

End of my rambling.

 

 

Good grief.

[fivetails]

Even north by Canadian standards, really...

 

 

Oh no you don't - that is MY title! :boxing_smiley:

 

:D

[lionfamily1999]

Good grief.

:iagree:This should've been my response in the first place. It would've saved time and trouble.