Kids Performing For Family?

[Impish]

I know, I'm full of weird threads today, but I have weird family members. Ok, one weird family member in particular. *sigh*

 

MIL was a former school teacher. She's not exactly gung ho on the 'homeschooling' front. She quizzes Diva on the phone, etc...which Diva doesn't mind in the slightest, so doesn't bother me either, lol

 

What I am wondering about are a few things. One, she has demanded in her letter today to Tazzie (4 year old) that he learn at least one song from the dvd she sent and sing it for her when she comes. She's also mentioned expecting him to read for her, and show him her math, since Wolf's mentioned that we're working on that...and Princess as well, since she's counting and doing her abcs.

 

Diva was pulled from school mid grade 3, so she was already reading, etc. Is this normal stuff for a homeschooling family to experience with extended family? That they want to 'check out' what the kids are learning when they visit? Or is this one of those, "Sorry Imp, your MIL is...uh...unique" moments again?

[Tammy]

and I wouldn't have anyone in my family quizzing my children....NO WAY!

[Janet in WA]

One of our firm ground rules was NO QUIZZING of our children. By anyone. Period. We trained our children to say "Mom says we're not allowed to answer questions like that". I would not allow phone calls of the sort you describe. I believe the kind of thing you describe is rude and insulting, and I wouldn't allow my child to be subjected to it, even if they didn't mind it. But you say it doesn't bother you either, so YMMV.

Edited June 16, 2009 by Janet in WA

[specialmama]

:iagree: However, I'd like to think on the positive side and think that perhaps this MIL is looking at ways of bonding with the kids. She feels estranged and disconnected maybe, and is trying things like sending the videos and requesting a song as a peace offering of sorts, something for her and the kids to connect through. I'd phrase it this way to MIL: "no quizzes, we homeschool and quizzes are out. However, if you'd like to sit in the easy chair, each child can choose what (if anything) to show you. This can happen at any time during your visit, not upon your arrival and not upon your command. Let the children choose what and when, and please applaud all attempts by the children to show off for Grandma. Your appoval would mean alot to them."

 

It could actually be a good thing, for you to approach it as an opportunity to show their stuff... provided MIL cooperates and shows excitement over each child's unique abilities and triumphs.

 

Just my two cents. I know she's a bit of a... case.... *ahem* .... but I can also imagine that she may be feeling anxious about her lack of bond with them and she may be trying through whatever means she has (teaching) to reach out and recapture a rapport with them. I'd honestly try to foster that, and even suggest activities for the kids and her to do: checkers, making up silly poems, drawing together, etc.

[dcjlkplus3]

I'm fine with general "quizzing" what are you learning about, etc. More along the lines of showing interest in something that is a big part of their life.

I also think that any performing should be kid (or maybe parent) suggested.

Would she sing a song on demand?

Why should she expect your children to?

Since you probably can't stop her from asking (and the kids may enjoy it), I would make sure the kids understand that tey don't have to "perform".

[Jean in Newcastle]

It depends. My MIL asked my dd to read something for her and it was such a wonderful experience for both of them. Dd was confident doing it and loved to show off what she could do. MIL did not have an attitude of trying to see if we were up to snuff - instead she wanted to participate/celebrate what dd could do.

 

Both my kids have had a recorder recital for the grandparents. The kids were more ambivalent about that but it was a good experience for them. The grandparents were probably a bit ambivalent about it too but chose to be positive and patient - squeaks and all!

[abbeyej]

I'm not fond of "quizzing", but I'm perfectly fine with kids reading a favorite book to grandparents, or learning a song (particularly one that's meaningful for the grandparent for some reason) to sing to them, or reciting a poem they've learned...

 

These are things we would do with grandparents anyway, regardless of home schooling or not. I think it can be good for children to learn to do a wee bit of getting up in front of others and "performing", and grandparents are an appreciative and supportive audience.

 

Now if I thought that a grandparent was asking for this stuff as a way to "trip up" a child, I wouldn't allow it. But if they're just giving the child a chance to show off, a way to bond over a favorite poem/story/song, etc, then I think it's a great way (one of many) to build relationship. Especially when grandparents and grandchildren live far away and don't get to spend a great deal of time together.

[Amber in SJ]

We used to get this all the time when we first started, from my teacher SIL in particular. It stopped last year when she asked my 5yo dd to read aloud in front of the extended family. My petite, blond haired, blue eyed angel said;

 

"What the h*ll? I can't read. I just turned 5!"

 

I died on the spot not knowing if I should laugh or be mortified. I did give my dh the evil glare of this-is-your-fault.

 

For the record she can read but she tells people she can't so they won't ask her to read.

 

We tell other well meaning quizzers that the kids are not performing monkeys.

 

However;

 

We have been known to make videos of the kids showing off things they have learned to show far away grandparents. We have one grandma that they don't see (she is in another state, in what we affectionately call the nut house) so we record them reading books, singing songs, playing musical instruments, telling jokes, performing science experiments, etc then burning her a DVD & sending it to her so she can show the other residents that her homeschooling grandkids are normal. It makes her happy.

 

Maybe she just doesn't know of another way to ask them about their school work. I have been known to intervene and say something like, "Whew! I don't know if I would know how to spell Nebuchadnezzer off the top of my head, either." but then later say, "Do you want to tell Grammie what you learned about butterflies?"

 

Sometimes it is hard to tell which commentors are trying to find holes in your child's education to needle you about and which are really interested in what your child is learning.

 

Amber in SJ

[lionfamily1999]

The people that have quized ds have been, for the most part, very quiet about it. 'So, I hear you're learning Latin, know what veni, vidi, vici, means?' They all come across kind of smug and ds rises to the bait and starts to spew everything that comes to mind. He floods them with 'we learned this... we learned that... did YOU know....' It normally ends with someone saying, 'gosh he's turning into a show off.' :glare:

[Nakia]

We used to get this all the time when we first started, from my teacher SIL in particular. It stopped last year when she asked my 5yo dd to read aloud in front of the extended family. My petite, blond haired, blue eyed angel said;

 

"What the h*ll? I can't read. I just turned 5!"

 

I died on the spot not knowing if I should laugh or be mortified. I did give my dh the evil glare of this-is-your-fault.

 

 

 

That made me :lol:

[Maria from IN]

I think I would have to tell said mil that "our school day is over, so instead of quizzing the kids why don't you ask me what they're learning? I want them to spend quality time with you instead of feel like trained monkeys spitting out spelling words and singing songs on demand."

 

On the other hand, you could go a little nicer and say something like, "I think it's wonderful that you're showing an interest in the kids and their schoolwork. Since we have the basics covered, could you please show dd that wonderful cookie recipe (or teach her to sew, or gardening) that you have? She'd really like to learn."

[swellmomma]

 

"What the h*ll? I can't read. I just turned 5!"

 

 

 

:smilielol5: That just made my evening, I can't stop chuckling, so I had to come back to this thread just to respond to that :lol:

[WTMCassandra]

Attitude is everything.

 

As I become a homeschool grandparent, I could see myself inadvertently doing some of those things as a way to connect with the children and show interest in their education. BUT, I would be doing it with sincere interest, not trying to "catch them out" or "quiz" them. So, only you can gauge your MIL's attitude/intent.

 

I think that whether her attitude is benign or not, it could be defused with a "show and tell" when she comes over. Let your children choose what they are going to show and tell, and help them prep. It can be a really positive thing for all. My children love to do a show and tell for whoever comes over, family or not ; ). I like it too, because they get "public speaking" experience. They often play a song on the piano, recite a Latin prayer, and talk about what they are learning in history or science. We discuss it ahead of time and they genuinely look forward to it.

 

HOWEVER, if MIL's attitude/intent is less than benign *sigh,* I would preface the "show and tell" announcement with a boundary setting statement. I might say, "MIL, quizzing of my children is not going to happen anymore, but we are planning a special show and tell when you come over so they can share some of what they are learning."

[specialmama]

Attitude is everything.

 

As I become a homeschool grandparent, I could see myself inadvertently doing some of those things as a way to connect with the children and show interest in their education. BUT, I would be doing it with sincere interest, not trying to "catch them out" or "quiz" them. So, only you can gauge your MIL's attitude/intent.

 

I think that whether her attitude is benign or not, it could be defused with a "show and tell" when she comes over. Let your children choose what they are going to show and tell, and help them prep. It can be a really positive thing for all. My children love to do a show and tell for whoever comes over, family or not ; ). I like it too, because they get "public speaking" experience. They often play a song on the piano, recite a Latin prayer, and talk about what they are learning in history or science. We discuss it ahead of time and they genuinely look forward to it.

 

HOWEVER, if MIL's attitude/intent is less than benign *sigh,* I would preface the "show and tell" announcement with a boundary setting statement. I might say, "MIL, quizzing of my children is not going to happen anymore, but we are planning a special show and tell when you come over so they can share some of what they are learning."

 

Cassandra, you are brilliant! I just love the way you worded this. :D

[Laurie4b]

I think it depends on the personality of the person asking. If they are doing it to "evaluate" then it's obnoxious. However, I can also easily seeing it as being a way of showing interest in the children and what they are learning. If she is a former teacher, this is how she related to kids for years--it may just be the mode she is most comfortable in with kids.

[Impish]

I appreciate all the suggestions, especially the different perspectives to view it from.

 

Wolf has, at each yearly invasion...err...visit, been heard to tell his mother numerous times, "Mom, they're kids, not seals! They don't perform on command!" :glare: This has been in response to various commands/demands, such as an 8 mth old baby to smile for the camera, pose a certain way, sit still, a toddler to "Do that again, I didn't get a picture of that, oh make him do that again!" repeatedly, and in an increasingly shrill tone and volume until the child in question began to cry and I came running from another room to find out what the commotion was, to discover Wolf holding our crying son, glaring at his mother, and MIL waving her camera around frantically :glare:

 

I have a better question. Who has a camper that will hold 5 people and willing to hide me and three kids, with occasional visits from my dh during the month of August? :D

[Desert Rat]

No Dog and Pony Shows allowed here. That's our phrase for quizzing or showing skills, etc. Now, if they want to ask what the boys are learning during school and discuss that with them, fine. My parents really enjoy discussing history with the kids. Science is also interesting. Then again, Huck is king of trivial facts and fun stuff so he's always saying, "Did you know....."

I'm super lucky with the family thing. The people that aren't supportive aren't active in our lives. I'm very grateful for that but do miss their company. *sigh*

[EKS]

One thing I've done that has quelled any worries about this homeschooling thing is that I actually write up a report of everything we did each year, including lists of resources and standardized test scores, and then send it to the grandparents. The reports (one for each kid) can be up to 15 pages long. Both sets of grandparents absolutely love receiving these reports. I actually make them for myself as an official record of what we've done, but it's easy to make a couple of copies and send them off.

[Jen in PA]

I would probably hate that if I were in your shoes.... but I have the opposite problem. My in-laws don't ask, and I am constantly having the kids show them what they have been working on. MIL just isn't that concerned about academics (says all of her grandkids are smart, including the 2 who never finished hs). FIL is a former teacher, but is very busy and we don't see him often. When we do, he says the kids are doing a great job, but that is usually only once or twice a year. My father thinks my kids go to school. Seriously. I have stopped trying to explain. And my mother doesn't like to talk about what my kids are doing because she is very close to my sister with children near the same ages, and there is a very wide ability gap between the two sets of grandkids that she just avoids discussing at all costs.

 

My only suggestion is that perhaps you could have your children choose something they would like to perform or share, so that they can proudly showcase something that is meaningful to them.

[Loupelou]

We used to get this all the time when we first started, from my teacher SIL in particular. It stopped last year when she asked my 5yo dd to read aloud in front of the extended family. My petite, blond haired, blue eyed angel said;

 

"What the h*ll? I can't read. I just turned 5!"

 

I died on the spot not knowing if I should laugh or be mortified. I did give my dh the evil glare of this-is-your-fault.

 

 

Amber in SJ

 

That's awesome!!:lol:

 

We have a friend who teaches school after several rebuffs from my children he has stopped making comments and quizzing them.

 

The way your MIL is going about it doesn't sound like she wishes to bond with her grandchildren, it sounds like she wants to check up on you. I would let the children choose what if anything they would like to share with their grandmother and go from there.

 

By the way - Is she staying at your house or have you not heard yet?:D

[Debbie in IL]

I really, really like that you didn't allow your kids to answer those questions, Janet. That is great!

[Debbie in IL]

This sounds like a great idea! Do you do this by subject? I'd love more details!

[FO4UR]

I know, I'm full of weird threads today, but I have weird family members. Ok, one weird family member in particular. *sigh*

 

MIL was a former school teacher. She's not exactly gung ho on the 'homeschooling' front. She quizzes Diva on the phone, etc...which Diva doesn't mind in the slightest, so doesn't bother me either, lol

 

What I am wondering about are a few things. One, she has demanded in her letter today to Tazzie (4 year old) that he learn at least one song from the dvd she sent and sing it for her when she comes. She's also mentioned expecting him to read for her, and show him her math, since Wolf's mentioned that we're working on that...and Princess as well, since she's counting and doing her abcs.

 

Diva was pulled from school mid grade 3, so she was already reading, etc. Is this normal stuff for a homeschooling family to experience with extended family? That they want to 'check out' what the kids are learning when they visit? Or is this one of those, "Sorry Imp, your MIL is...uh...unique" moments again?

 

 

I didn't read all the replies - forgive if I repeat.

 

It would depend upon the spirit of the interaction.....is MIL *checking* to see if you are up to her snuff???? (NO THANKS!!!!)

 

Is she simply trying to be a part of the kids lives.....encouraging your schooling, looking for opportunity to praise the kids??? (normal G'ma stuff - bring it on:D)

 

I could see it happenning both ways....my mom loves to hear the kids spout off what they know....she loves to see their faces/hear their voices when they are proud of themselves kwim. How do the kids feel about it? The kids' perception of it all would be a big factor for me.

[DawnM]

HA! If you are coming to NC let me know!

 

Dawn

 

I appreciate all the suggestions, especially the different perspectives to view it from.

 

Wolf has, at each yearly invasion...err...visit, been heard to tell his mother numerous times, "Mom, they're kids, not seals! They don't perform on command!" :glare: This has been in response to various commands/demands, such as an 8 mth old baby to smile for the camera, pose a certain way, sit still, a toddler to "Do that again, I didn't get a picture of that, oh make him do that again!" repeatedly, and in an increasingly shrill tone and volume until the child in question began to cry and I came running from another room to find out what the commotion was, to discover Wolf holding our crying son, glaring at his mother, and MIL waving her camera around frantically :glare:

 

I have a better question. Who has a camper that will hold 5 people and willing to hide me and three kids, with occasional visits from my dh during the month of August? :D

 

[DawnM]

I will not allow it, PERIOD!

 

We hear no end of how the little ps neices can out perform anyone, even everyone in their classes, and on and on it goes.

 

If they ask ANYTHING to my kids I immediately step in. The girls aren't quizzed, they are just allowed to show off whatever piece of tidbit they have just learned.......so I will not allow them to quiz my kids on some obscure piece just to be made fools of.

 

We are the freaks in DH's family. We are the only Christians. We homeschool, and we adopted a child from a foreign country!

 

I cannot tell you how much I hate going there for visits. We are made to feel like freaks every day.

 

Dawn

[Staci in MO]

I'm not fond of "quizzing", but I'm perfectly fine with kids reading a favorite book to grandparents, or learning a song (particularly one that's meaningful for the grandparent for some reason) to sing to them, or reciting a poem they've learned...

 

These are things we would do with grandparents anyway, regardless of home schooling or not. I think it can be good for children to learn to do a wee bit of getting up in front of others and "performing", and grandparents are an appreciative and supportive audience.

 

Now if I thought that a grandparent was asking for this stuff as a way to "trip up" a child, I wouldn't allow it. But if they're just giving the child a chance to show off, a way to bond over a favorite poem/story/song, etc, then I think it's a great way (one of many) to build relationship. Especially when grandparents and grandchildren live far away and don't get to spend a great deal of time together.

 

:iagree: My dc regularly play the piano for their grandparents. In my opinion, there's little point in learning to play a musical instrument if you don't share what you've learned with others.

 

I obviously haven't been in your shoes, and I'm sure I'd resent the feeling that my dc were being checked up on. But if mil is a teacher, she's been taught that only trained educators are capable of teaching children. (Is brainwashed too strong a word?) Wouldn't you be worried if your dc started raising your grandchildren in a way that contradicted everything you've ever been taught in your professional life? Letting your dc read to her and play music is arguably something they'd be doing regardless of your school situation, so I'd allow it. Extensive quizzing as an effort to find holes in their knowledge is where I'd draw the line.

 

My mother was wary of homeschooling when we started. But once she saw that my dc were not just learning, but thriving, she relaxed and became a supporter.

 

I've used lots of words to basically just reiterate what Abbey said. :tongue_smilie: Best wishes to you.

[Beth S]

This is the solution we've come up with. The kids play their piano pieces (and we can re-record if needed), or recite their Bible verses, etc. on home video (DVD). We can also video projects they've made, etc.

 

Then the grandparents can watch & oooh & aaah, but without putting the child on the spot while we're at their house. The child (and *I*) am not nervous & we control content.

[GaHadley]

I've thought about having an end of the year party and inviting grandparents over for dinner and cake and ice cream and having pictures of the kids throughout the year and some samples of their work. I don't plan to have the kids perform for them though. The don't need to know how their doing. I didn't show my report card to anyone but my mom and dad, and I don't expect to share progress with anyone outside our family. If my kids want to tell them what they've learned, then that's fine, but I'm not going to pressure it.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:Nicely said...

 

Attitude is everything.

 

As I become a homeschool grandparent, I could see myself inadvertently doing some of those things as a way to connect with the children and show interest in their education. BUT, I would be doing it with sincere interest, not trying to "catch them out" or "quiz" them. So, only you can gauge your MIL's attitude/intent.

 

I think that whether her attitude is benign or not, it could be defused with a "show and tell" when she comes over. Let your children choose what they are going to show and tell, and help them prep. It can be a really positive thing for all. My children love to do a show and tell for whoever comes over, family or not ; ). I like it too, because they get "public speaking" experience. They often play a song on the piano, recite a Latin prayer, and talk about what they are learning in history or science. We discuss it ahead of time and they genuinely look forward to it.

 

HOWEVER, if MIL's attitude/intent is less than benign *sigh,* I would preface the "show and tell" announcement with a boundary setting statement. I might say, "MIL, quizzing of my children is not going to happen anymore, but we are planning a special show and tell when you come over so they can share some of what they are learning."[/QUOTE]

[CalicoKat]

I've coached my kids to say to quizzing adults, "It's not school time right now." Or, "You don't know the answer?!" Or, "Please don't quiz me."

 

Usually the quizzing is when I'm not around.

[PineFarmMom]

We have friends with family who really dislike homeschooling. When being quizzed, their 9yo dd will say something like: "Yeah, we really like homeschooling. This week I'm working on the number J." Df says her dd's sarcasm kind of throws people off a bit and the subject will be dropped. This is one of the sweetest, gentlest little girls I know, so to imagine her throwing something out there like that is particularly humorous.

 

I don't have family members who quiz my dc, but it would really depend on the person. I have family members who I know their motives and would know they love my kids and are trying to bond with them. I have other family members who I know have bad motives for that type of thing and I'd look for a way to nip it. It really depends on the person and the relationship with that person.

[LibraryLover]

Before TV and xbox, people danced, sang, told jokes, made music. They recited poetry, wrote poetry, and ballads; basically performed the evening away. Maybe some of these people asking to be entertained are really really *really* old. :D

 

Children as today's court jesters/fools/courtiers?

[Denisemomof4]

it's a "one of your mil" moments. How rude.

 

I wouldn't let ANYONE quiz my kids. I know what they need and it's nobody else's business. Who can have their best interest at heart more than dh and I?

[Rosie_0801]

Once a year we have "grandparent's day".

 

That is a good idea. My mother in law is the type who will nit pick and be generally horrible so I'll want to block her out. Something along the lines of not giving her anything to hang me with later. This might work, she'll get to stickybeak until her heart is content, there'll be other people around so she'll have to keep her nice face on, and I only have to deal with people in my space for one day. I think I can hack that. :) Think I'll chat with dh about that when he gets home.

 

What time of year do you do that?

 

Rosie

[QueenCat]

snip...One, she has demanded in her letter today to Tazzie (4 year old) that he learn at least one song from the dvd she sent and sing it for her when she comes.

 

Although most of what she said she expected is a bit much, I would think it would be normal for a grandparent to ask/suggest (but not demand) that their grandchild share a song they learned from a dvd the grandparent sent them. Maybe as a meet her part way, you could encourage such a thing.... don't stoop to her level but rise above it!