Telling my stepmother I don't want her to visit and stay with us

[Laura Corin]

I don't like my stepmother much - she's not a terrible person but I wouldn't choose her for a friend. While my father was alive I saw her with him. He's been dead for almost twenty years now.

Her arrival in our family - I'm not absolving my father - led to distress when I was a teenager and also throughout my life because of the consequences for my mother's mental health. 

Stepmother came to stay for a weekend last year and I just didn't like it. I felt forced into an uncomfortable closeness just because we had to talk so much over the two days, despite planned activities. My nerves were completely jangled by the end.

She doesn't live locally. This morning we had coffee when I happened to be in her area and she was talking about coming to stay again. She doesn't know the resentment I feel.

Do you have any ideas how to tell her that I don't want her to stay over without ending the relationship? Coffee occasionally is fine. Her daughters  - my half-sisters - are welcome to stay with me. Eta I don't want to end their visits.

Husband suggests asking my half-sister for advice, and I think I can do that. Any other thoughts? I thought of sending a letter that wouldn't blame her for the divorce but would just say that I had leftover emotions from that time that made it uncomfortable to spend large stretches of time with her. I don't know how she would react. 

Edited April 28 by Laura Corin

[Kassia]

That's a hard situation and I don't know how I'd handle it.  Asking your half-sister sounds like a good idea if you think she wants things to work out the best for both you and your stepmother.  How she'd handle a letter like that really depends on her personality.  I'm sure you'll get better suggestions here, but I just wanted to say I hope you can resolve this issue as peacefully as possible.

 

[regentrude]

Instead of making it about her, you could make it about you. YOU don't feel able of hosting overnight guests, and having people stay with you is too much for YOU with work and getting older and all your other responsibilities - you just can't have houseguests anymore, and you're sure she understands.

[Laura Corin]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Instead of making it about her, you could make it about you. YOU don't feel able of hosting overnight guests, and having people stay with you is too much for YOU with work and getting older and all your other responsibilities - you just can't have houseguests anymore, and you're sure she understands.

Unfortunately she will know when her daughters stay over in the future.  I don't want to end that.

[maize]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Instead of making it about her, you could make it about you. YOU don't feel able of hosting overnight guests, and having people stay with you is too much for YOU with work and getting older and all your other responsibilities - you just can't have houseguests anymore, and you're sure she understands.

This is what I would do.

I definitely would not get into your feelings; she doesn't need to know and I can't imagine any good coming of sharing them with her.

[maize]

3 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Unfortunately she will know when her daughters stay over in the future.  I don't want to end that.

Ah, just saw this.

That does complicate things.

Maybe just be unavailable when she proposes coming?

[Laura Corin]

10 minutes ago, maize said:

Ah, just saw this.

That does complicate things.

Maybe just be unavailable when she proposes coming?

She is likely to ask when it would work for us. To which it's hard to say 'never' without explanation. 

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

She is likely to ask when it would work for us. To which it's hard to say 'never' without explanation. 

That's what I was thinking. You can only put this off for so long.  

[Clarita]

Maybe you could still take the making it about you and what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with. I don't think it should or can be a heartfelt conversation bringing up all the stuff, but I think any reasonable adult can understand someone "still" having a hard time with spending a weekend with a stepparent who (perhaps without ill intent) is somewhat a part of messing up their teenage years.

Maybe something like "I just can't host you for a weekend. It was a lot for me emotionally last time." Something like I want to have a relationship with you, but staying over for an entire weekend is too much for me. If more information is asked it should be OK to say I'm not ready to discuss that.

Definitely not been there done that, just perhaps I've thought about how I would address my own hasn't happened yet situation with my mom and her partner. 

[SKL]

Would it help to have her come at the same time as one or more of her daughters?

Otherwise, the world is full of reasons why you can be too busy on the weekend she's available.  Isn't work ramping up?  Would that be a great time to create a physical therapy regimen that involves daily massages, swim therapy, etc?  If she's allergic to cats, you could be cat-sitting that weekend ....

[footballmom]

Could you tell that you truly care about her and want to spend time with her, you really enjoyed your coffee date, but when she stayed for the weekend it brought up some feelings for you that you realized you need to work through and non overnight visits are what you can offer right now.

[maize]

29 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

She is likely to ask when it would work for us. To which it's hard to say 'never' without explanation. 

I guess some degree of diplomatic honesty may be called for then. 

Maybe "As I'm getting older I've found I am less and less comfortable with house guests unless they are people I am really close with like my children and my sisters. Let's just plan to meet up for ... again soon."

[Katy]

25 minutes ago, maize said:

I guess some degree of diplomatic honesty may be called for then. 

Maybe "As I'm getting older I've found I am less and less comfortable with house guests unless they are people I am really close with like my children and my sisters. Let's just plan to meet up for ... again soon."

This. 

[kathyl]

I can't tell whether she is the type of person who can take hints.  But if she's not, then I'd just put it out there with something along the lines of:

"I want to keep our relationship on the 'meet for an occasional cup of coffee' level.  And NOT on the 'overnight visits' level."

You can probably think of a much better way to say that, but you get the idea.

And keep repeating it as much as needed.

[Harriet Vane]

38 minutes ago, footballmom said:

Could you tell that you truly care about her and want to spend time with her, you really enjoyed your coffee date, but when she stayed for the weekend it brought up some feelings for you that you realized you need to work through and non overnight visits are what you can offer right now.

This.

[City Mouse]

I think it is okay to say that you don’t feel up to her staying with you right now, and give her the names of a couple of local hotels near by.

Later, when your sister stays with you, it is fine that you feel up to hosting someone at that time. 
 

Don’t feel bad that you like having some people stay in your house and not other people. In the 15 years since I moved away from where my parents lived, I never invited them to stay in my house, but other people have stayed with us if only for 1 night or 2. My parents came to visit but stayed in a local motel and then later in their rv. There is no need to offer her any more explanation.

[KungFuPanda]

Can you burn that bridge and maintain the relationship with your sisters?  That might be what you need to do. She HAS daughters. If she wants more than a coffee date from you you don’t have to give it to her. Maybe only suck it up and invite her if it was the only way to keep the sisters in your life. 
 

Alternatively, you can do some work to release your past grudges. If she hadn’t come into your life your sisters wouldn’t exist and marriages that work don’t generally have room for infiltration. Was your dad happy in the end? Maybe examine why this woman still triggers you decades later and deal with those feelings.  Emotionally healthy people recover from divorce. If they’re unable to move on, something else is up and was likely always there. 

[momto3innc]

Ugh. This has made me realize this will certainly be an issue for me one day (my stepmom is much younger than my dad). 
I don’t have words of wisdom, just a lot of sympathy. We’re currently struggling with a visit from her right now but at least it is with my dad and he softens her a bit. 
Honestly? I’d probably not be as direct as I would be with others and keep putting it off, not bring it up, hoping it goes away. That’s not a great plan though!! I just sort of fall apart in this relationship.

[wintermom]

I agree with another poster that it's ok to offer a nice local hotel or inn. You can even pay. You can make up something, like you're doing renovations, dh isn't up for it, or you are too busy with work. Or you can simply say it's not convenient for her to stay in your home. You really don't need to explain to her. Then you have the freedom to visit for coffee and a meal, and do an activity. 

Regarding your step-sisters, you can keep doing what you've been doing. "The situation" that was present during their mom's visit is now resolved. Or they could also stay at a local hotel. Visiting and staying in a local hotel or b and b is actually quite nice. It allows both host and visitor time and space to rest and do their own thing. 

All the best going forward!

Edited April 29 by wintermom

[Bootsie]

I would suggest not involving your half-sisters in the situation.  DH had two high-schooled aged daughters when we married.  DH and I have now been married over 30 years and have two young adult children.  My children are not comfortable hearing anything about the feelings their half-sisters have toward me.  They do not see it as any of their business and would prefer to be left out of any discussions of hard feelings, past issues, etc. They would feel like they were being put in the middle or asked to take sides.  

[Faith-manor]

I think I would be up front with her, just in a diplomatic, graceful way. Something to the effect of, "Since dad died, I have had to deal with a lot of negative feelings about my family situation. That's all on me and not you. But as I am working through this, the best I can offer is that we see each other once in a while for an hour for coffee."

You are in a lot of ways being rather kind to continue the relationship given that she came into your childhood rather late, and caused a lot of emotional turmoil. My brother divorced his sons' mother in order to marry his 3rd mistress. His eldest was 16 at the time, the others 11 and 9. Their mother ended up with full custody, so they only had visitation with their step mother. As adults, they do not have any relationship with her, and she would not ever dream of asking to visit them in their homes much less stay over.

It is okay to be honest, just try not to be cruel. 

[Scarlett]

I think this is super tricky and painful because she is the mother of your sisters.  
 

I for sure would not let her come to stay again…..there is no reason to subject yourself to a horrible weekend.  Could you just be unavailable until she stops asking?  

[Scarlett]

I will never understand how people involved in breaking up a kid’s FOO feel so entitled to be accepted by said kids.  And then the rest of society normalizing this.

[Kassia]

24 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

.  Could you just be unavailable until she stops asking?  

For me, I'd rather someone be honest with me than keep telling me they are unavailable.  But people handle things so differently and this might be the best option depending on stepmom's personality.  I know both my mom and MIL would cause so much drama over hearing the truth that it wouldn't be worth it.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Kassia said:

For me, I'd rather someone be honest with me than keep telling me they are unavailable.  But people handle things so differently and this might be the best option depending on stepmom's personality.  I know both my mom and MIL would cause so much drama over hearing the truth that it wouldn't be worth it.

I usually agree with you but I am thinking of the sisters’ feelings more than the step mothers feelings or drama. 

[bibiche]

Could you say you’ve been working through some issues related to the period when she came into your life and your therapist has suggested some distance (whether you have a therapist or not)? It might make it easier for both of you. You won’t have to explain and she won’t feel as rejected because it is your (possibly imaginary) therapist who is recommending the distance.

Edited April 29 by bibiche

[Laura Corin]

18 hours ago, Kassia said:

That's a hard situation and I don't know how I'd handle it.  Asking your half-sister sounds like a good idea if you think she wants things to work out the best for both you and your stepmother.  How she'd handle a letter like that really depends on her personality.  I'm sure you'll get better suggestions here, but I just wanted to say I hope you can resolve this issue as peacefully as possible.

 

My eldest half sister and I (she is sixteen years younger than I) have become close over talking through how it was for the first family when the second family was started.  As soon as she became adult, she sought me out and asked me for my experiences.  She sees her mother's flaws and - I think - would advise me confidentially and honestly.  I'm not yet sure if I will go to her though.  I don't want to put her in a difficult position.

18 hours ago, footballmom said:

Could you tell that you truly care about her and want to spend time with her, you really enjoyed your coffee date, but when she stayed for the weekend it brought up some feelings for you that you realized you need to work through and non overnight visits are what you can offer right now.

This sounds a possible response.

15 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

Alternatively, you can do some work to release your past grudges. If she hadn’t come into your life your sisters wouldn’t exist and marriages that work don’t generally have room for infiltration. Was your dad happy in the end? Maybe examine why this woman still triggers you decades later and deal with those feelings.  Emotionally healthy people recover from divorce. If they’re unable to move on, something else is up and was likely always there. 

I don't think about the divorce or my stepmother from one month to the next, particularly now that my mum is dead.  So I don't feel the need to work through any lingering issues - that would be handing my time, money and energy to something that I no longer dwell on.  Yes, being with her brings everything back, but I'm happier just reducing those opportunities. 

3 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

I think I would be up front with her, just in a diplomatic, graceful way. Something to the effect of, "Since dad died, I have had to deal with a lot of negative feelings about my family situation. That's all on me and not you. But as I am working through this, the best I can offer is that we see each other once in a while for an hour for coffee."

You are in a lot of ways being rather kind to continue the relationship given that she came into your childhood rather late, and caused a lot of emotional turmoil. My brother divorced his sons' mother in order to marry his 3rd mistress. His eldest was 16 at the time, the others 11 and 9. Their mother ended up with full custody, so they only had visitation with their step mother. As adults, they do not have any relationship with her, and she would not ever dream of asking to visit them in their homes much less stay over.

It is okay to be honest, just try not to be cruel. 

Yes, that sounds good too, although I would phrase it 'since my mother's death'.  She probably has a good idea that my mother never moved on from the divorce and made my life very difficult.  My stepmother does not normally admit fault in any context, but she did say to her daughter recently that there were some things she did when she was young that she wishes she hadn't, and my sister thought she was referring to the circumstances surrounding the divorce.  I'm not going to get into the blame game though - my father was 44 when I was told about his split from my mother, and my stepmother was 25; we children were 11, 16 and 18 - so I'm keen to make it about 'my not being able to deal with this' rather than 'you were wrong'.

ETA, as stepmother is only 14 years older than I, I can't just assume that the situation will resolve itself soon: she may well live for another twenty years.

Edited April 29 by Laura Corin

[wintermom]

@Laura Corin Thanks for sharing more details about your relative ages and the circumstances. I can definitely see why the intensity of hosting this woman is just too much. I think your rawness of feelings are quite natural. 

I might simplify my response to any future visits something like, "I really enjoyed our visit at the coffee shop. Due to lots of personal circumstances I don't want to go into, I'd very much welcome more of these types of visits. Hosting for longer periods is just too much for me right now. Things may change in the future, but that's how they are right now. I trust that you'll understand." 

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

18 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

Alternatively, you can do some work to release your past grudges. If she hadn’t come into your life your sisters wouldn’t exist and marriages that work don’t generally have room for infiltration. Was your dad happy in the end? Maybe examine why this woman still triggers you decades later and deal with those feelings.  Emotionally healthy people recover from divorce. If they’re unable to move on, something else is up and was likely always there. 

I don't think about the divorce or my stepmother from one month to the next, particularly now that my mum is dead.  So I don't feel the need to work through any lingering issues - that would be handing my time, money and energy to something that I no longer dwell on.  Yes, being with her brings everything back, but I'm happier just reducing those opportunities. 

FWIW I didn't read your post/question as someone who is still holding a grudge against your step mother. More of she was involved in a part of your life that you grieve. Therefore she is a trigger for those sad feelings to come up. 

I've seen with different friends that divorce and relationships with stepparents differ depending on circumstance and also the age of the child. A dynamic that I see with older teens or young adults is societal pressures that your step parent should be this close relative of yours, but you had this whole life with your parents and your step parent may never have done any of the parent things so to you they aren't this close relative and more akin to an acquaintance. That's what I see happening. 

[Laura Corin]

48 minutes ago, Clarita said:

FWIW I didn't read your post/question as someone who is still holding a grudge against your step mother. More of she was involved in a part of your life that you grieve. Therefore she is a trigger for those sad feelings to come up. 

Yes, that's more like it. With a dash of postmenopausal rebellion. I was the well-behaved teenager while the adults went off the rails, then I raised a family and home educated across three countries, then took responsibility for my wayward mother. I'm tired of being the good girl who copes with everything.  I'm reclaiming my right to inhabit my own space and choose my own society.

[KungFuPanda]

4 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

 

I don't think about the divorce or my stepmother from one month to the next, particularly now that my mum is dead.  So I don't feel the need to work through any lingering issues - that would be handing my time, money and energy to something that I no longer dwell on.  Yes, being with her brings everything back, but I'm happier just reducing those opportunities. 

 

If I’m honest, I wouldn’t spend money on it either. My mother remarried after I was out of the house so I have a stepfather and step sisters I never lived with.  I would never host my stepfather without my mother and I prefer her to visit without him. Mom is awesome, but he’s annoying and best in small doses. He’s not malicious or anything, just irritating and I have a high tolerance for quirky. My mom could live with us and it would be great, but she has to come alone. 
 

I have a half sister. I would never have her mother as a houseguest. I’m not sure I could do it if my relationship with my sister was on the line. My sister would certainly never ask. 

[Acadie]

22 hours ago, footballmom said:

Could you tell that you truly care about her and want to spend time with her, you really enjoyed your coffee date, but when she stayed for the weekend it brought up some feelings for you that you realized you need to work through and non overnight visits are what you can offer right now.

Love how this is both direct and kind, and doesn't set up potential misunderstandings around your sisters continuing to visit. To me it reflects the kind of postmenopausal energy you're describing. 

I hear that spending time together isn't a positive for you, and definitely see why you don't want to devote your energy at this point in your life.

Twenty years is a long time. Do you think she wants to maintain the relationship because she cares about you and simply has positive associations on her side? Is there any chance it props up her ego or conscience to feel that she's the kind of person who maintains a positive, continuing relationship with her stepdaughter?

I apologize if that sounds too cynical or if I'm projecting! I've just sensed that kind of dynamic in a relationship before and felt a powerful aversion to being used that way.  

In any case, after coping in your teens and young adulthood with a lot that was out of your control, I'm glad you have the opportunity to discern and choose how, and to what extent, you want to interact now. 

[Laura Corin]

4 minutes ago, Acadie said:

Love how this is both direct and kind, and doesn't set up potential misunderstandings around your sisters continuing to visit. To me it reflects the kind of postmenopausal energy you're describing. 

I hear that spending time together isn't a positive for you, and definitely see why you don't want to devote your energy at this point in your life.

Twenty years is a long time. Do you think she wants to maintain the relationship because she cares about you and simply has positive associations on her side? Is there any chance it props up her ego or conscience to feel that she's the kind of person who maintains a positive, continuing relationship with her stepdaughter?

I apologize if that sounds too cynical or if I'm projecting! I've just sensed that kind of dynamic in a relationship before and felt a powerful aversion to being used that way.  

In any case, after coping in your teens and young adulthood with a lot that was out of your control, I'm glad you have the opportunity to discern and choose how, and to what extent, you want to interact now. 

I've been wondering whether her efforts to maintain the relationship are because she feels a guilt that she cannot express openly.

She may also be concentrating on me because my eldest brother won't speak to her, and my second brother has chosen very limited contact. 

[Clarita]

16 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

I've been wondering whether her efforts to maintain the relationship are because she feels a guilt that she cannot express openly.

She may also be concentrating on me because my eldest brother won't speak to her, and my second brother has chosen very limited contact. 

Just because I'm a "good girl" too (and am prone to doing this), whatever your stepmother is dealing with you don't have to help her with it or be the bigger person. She is an adult and can find her own resources to handle her own mental/emotional baggage. It doesn't make you a bad person to not want to take that on. 

[Ellie]

On 4/28/2024 at 4:18 PM, Laura Corin said:

Husband suggests asking my half-sister for advice, and I think I can do that. Any other thoughts? I thought of sending a letter that wouldn't blame her for the divorce but would just say that I had leftover emotions from that time that made it uncomfortable to spend large stretches of time with her. I don't know how she would react. 

As much as I would like to agree with Mr. Laura Corin, I'm not sure you should get anyone else involved in this.

I think your idea is a good one. If you say it in your usual manner, you should be good. I have faith in you.

You are not responsible for how she reacts.