Ginevra Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 First Christmas with neither my Mother nor my MIL. Things are complicated with my dad. I invited him to TG luncheon at my house but he made an excuse and didn’t come. DH said I should be understanding about that; he doesn’t want to come because he misses my mom. Okay. Dh is likely right about that. But I did not make any plans for Christmas (in my family) and I’m not hosting anything. My dd and dsil are out of state and will not be here. So, very low-key. So, I wondered if my dad will be home alone twiddling his thumbs. I asked one of my sisters. He is at her house and will be there for Christmas morning. I almost asked if I could swing by for a bit to see my dad and all of them. But, as she didn’t mention it and seems to have kept it on the DL that he would be there, I felt that it would be intruding. She has young kids (the youngest grandkids by far) and I can imagine that the last thing she wants on Christmas morning is an unplanned drop-in guest. I just said I was happy he would not be alone on Christmas. But I am probably rather jealous. He did not come to see my family for TG because he “had a doctor’s appointment” but he can arrange to spend Christmas Eve and morning at my sister’s house? That makes me feel rejected! Does he not like me? My eyes are watery right now. My mom always drove the family connections and I knew this would be a problem if my mom died first. My dad is not a good communicator (think probably undx’d high-functioning autism) and the family “joke” was always, “Well I guess I’ll know when my mom dies because it will be the first time my dad ever calls me.” In reality, it’s more like, “I guess I know my mom is dead because now my dad never sees or talks to me at all.” Sorry for the pity-party. I wish I could be closer to my dad but I feel rebuffed by him and I feel further apart than ever. Ironically, my dad and I have very similar personalities. I think I am the most like him of all my siblings. In my fantasies we could have deep, intelligent conversations about things other people can’t care about. But the trajectory is…the opposite of that. Thank you for reading. 38 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 Offering you gentle hugs. That would feel hurtful and it's already a tough season for you x2. I wish your dad was more thoughtful of your feelings, too. He's not the only one who has lost someone important. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 I'm so sorry, Ginevra (((hugs))) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 I'm so sorry. My feelings would be very hurt, too. 😞 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 I’m so sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 Aww, hugs for you, I’m sorry 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 I’m sorry. I’m sure it has nothing to do with you or your sister. It’s a youngest grandchildren thing. Little kids have forgotten all about the grief the rest of you are having. They’re focused of fun and presents and Santa. Their joy is allowing him to disassociate instead of thinking about it. We sometimes act like that’s not healthy, but a break from the grief can be good. My siblings and I were the youngest set on one side and the oldest on the other. We were treated drastically differently in each family. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 Hugs, Ginevra. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted December 24, 2023 Share Posted December 24, 2023 (((Ginervra))) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frances Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 Hugs to you, it’s completely understandable to feel sad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarita Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 1 hour ago, Ginevra said: I just said I was happy he would not be alone on Christmas. But I am probably rather jealous. He did not come to see my family for TG because he “had a doctor’s appointment” but he can arrange to spend Christmas Eve and morning at my sister’s house? That makes me feel rejected! Does he not like me? You might thing about laying this out for him at some point. I did this with my mom after my father's passing and we had a tough talk. For sure, I did not get the answers that I wanted but in the long run it helped us have a relationship that works and is healthy for us. (I am not saying in any way it is the ideal I have in my head but at least it's healthy.) The conversation helped me to see my mom as a real person and realize that she falls short of my expectations, not because of me but because of her weaknesses. Part of it is at the time we were both grieving and needing what we needed which were not aligned to each other, but in realizing that it help me feel better about seeking that elsewhere. Especially since some of that stuff society believes we should get from our parents, but our parents are flawed people and can't always offer what we need. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
math teacher Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 I'm so sorry . I would be hurt too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 I'm sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 Sending you some hugs, I am sorry that would upset me too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 I am sorry. That sounds hard. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 I am sending warm and gentle hugs. It's the first Christmas without my mom. I'm Jewish but grew up in a Christian family. We were down for Thanksgiving and afterwards he told me he wasn't happy with my young adults' behaviors. He also cancelled the trip to see two of his sisters who had looked forward to seeing him at Christmas time. I had already made plans to be with my DH's family for the week and he certainly doesn't want to be a part of that. Yeah, our fathers are grieving. And so are we. It's hard to feel like we can attend to their reactions and deal with our own. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 Many hugs! I am so sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 I am so sorry. Sending hugs. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 25, 2023 Share Posted December 25, 2023 I am so sorry. I get it, this is my first Christmas without my mom or my dad. Dad died on Dec. 30th of last year. Today marks the day they put him on morphine and he never spoke again. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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