I hate this homeschool year

[JustEm]

I just need to vent. We are in week 4 of our homeschool year and I really wish I hadn't ever committed to this all those years ago. 

This year I have a 9th, 8th, 5th, 3rd, 1st, and a straggler. I can't get through a single day without multiple emotional outbursts or a kid just emotionally shutting down. And if you saw how bare minimum we were doing you'd laugh. 

I know sticking them all in school isn't the answer. Some might thrive but most wouldn't. But I don't know what the answer is. 

Vent over I suppose

[YaelAldrich]

I'm sorry; that sounds so hard.  I remember the terrible years of homeschooling.  It took a lot out of me.

I hope you can find some bright points to keep you going if that's what you need.

 

[73349]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time this term. That's a lot to try to manage at once. I hope things ease up for you soon.

[MrsMommy]

I hear you and I get it. That is a difficult combination of grades all at once. I hope you can find something to look forward to that helps carry you through.

[Katy]

Dawn from the minimal mom talked about a similar dynamic at her house on her “podcast” video last night. She said she was using this book called How to Have a New Kid by Friday or something like that. The technique is to just say a non-emotional, “Ok.” When your kid is rude or refuses to do what you ask. Then stop everything you normally do for them, including screen time, internet time, etc. when they need you and finally ask for something you say, “ No, I’m not going to do that for you because…” you hurt my feelings, you were rude, whatever the reason is. I’m probably not explaining it well because I haven’t read that book. But her explanation made me wonder if it would help a hormonal tween think about how they’re treating people and put it in my Amazon cart. 
 

She did say the hardest part was remaining calm on the outside while she was seething and imagining lectures on the inside. 

[bolt.]

Hey, so, you're doing a hard thing, and it's really normal and understandable that you are finding it hard. Remind yourself that all of your feelings are valid, and they all belong.

It also might help you to recognize the importance, the *deep* importance, of running a homeschool year that focuses on the 'bare minimums' (foundational knowledge) and the repeated exercise of learning what emotional regulation is, and isn't, and how that whole inner system works. Seriously. If your family (7 or 8 entire whole people) spend just a single year, and actually emerge with an improved working knowledge of those two things... I think a sense of self-congratulation would be in order. Those are two things that genuinely lead to 'the good life' for all of you. (In which case, it might be time to let the circumstances help set the agenda, and set aside expectations that are outside of that scope.)

[JustEm]

43 minutes ago, Katy said:

Dawn from the minimal mom talked about a similar dynamic at her house on her “podcast” video last night. She said she was using this book called How to Have a New Kid by Friday or something like that. The technique is to just say a non-emotional, “Ok.” When your kid is rude or refuses to do what you ask. Then stop everything you normally do for them, including screen time, internet time, etc. when they need you and finally ask for something you say, “ No, I’m not going to do that for you because…” you hurt my feelings, you were rude, whatever the reason is. I’m probably not explaining it well because I haven’t read that book. But her explanation made me wonder if it would help a hormonal tween think about how they’re treating people and put it in my Amazon cart. 
 

She did say the hardest part was remaining calm on the outside while she was seething and imagining lectures on the inside. 

They aren't rude to me or refuse to do what I ask though.  My kids are really sweet and kind children.  For the most part, they do not do things to hurt other people.  I don't know if you ever heard the story of the year my dh was working part time during the holidays and since we had a fake tree that the previous owners of this house left behind we decided the responsible thing to do was not get a real tree.  After making that decision I cried because it would be the first year with of my life without a real tree, something very important to me, and it also felt like a failure as a parent somehow. Well my children collectively went to my dad, who always gives each kid $40 for Christmas, and asked if they could get their Christmas money early so they could use it to buy me a tree. He then took them out, bought them the tree, and they surprised me with it. They really are loving and selfless most of the time.

But they are also emotional wrecks.  They are bad at regulating their emotions but they take that out on themselves.  Or they lean on me for emotional support.  So, when it is multiple kids a day it gets emotionally overwhelming for me. And day after day it hasn't given me the time to regulate my own emotions to be a good support person for them.  Dh is an amazing and involved parent but since I'm home with them all the time, I'm the one they go to when things are real bad or if it is school related.  He does always check in with each kid to give them the support they need as well but it is almost always after the fact since he's at work. He is an amazing support person for me!

All that to say, freezing them out and punishing them for their emotions isn't the thing they need. But I appreciate the idea.

[JustEm]

31 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Hey, so, you're doing a hard thing, and it's really normal and understandable that you are finding it hard. Remind yourself that all of your feelings are valid, and they all belong.

It also might help you to recognize the importance, the *deep* importance, of running a homeschool year that focuses on the 'bare minimums' (foundational knowledge) and the repeated exercise of learning what emotional regulation is, and isn't, and how that whole inner system works. Seriously. If your family (7 or 8 entire whole people) spend just a single year, and actually emerge with an improved working knowledge of those two things... I think a sense of self-congratulation would be in order. Those are two things that genuinely lead to 'the good life' for all of you. (In which case, it might be time to let the circumstances help set the agenda, and set aside expectations that are outside of that scope.)

I cried when I read this.  Thank you! I truly do know that what I'm doing is hard, that my feelings are valid, and that the 'bare minimums' are ok.  I also know that focusing on emotional regulation is more important than what little we can cover if they are unable to be fully present because of their inability to regulate.  I needed to hear this. Thank you.

[ScoutTN]

(((hjffkj)))

 

[bolt.]

5 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I cried when I read this.  Thank you! I truly do know that what I'm doing is hard, that my feelings are valid, and that the 'bare minimums' are ok.  I also know that focusing on emotional regulation is more important than what little we can cover if they are unable to be fully present because of their inability to regulate.  I needed to hear this. Thank you.

I'm glad it helped!

Is it at all possible to consciously and intentionally include "emotional regulation and self-knowledge" as a special subject area to explore this year? Give yourself permission to buy resources, run discussions, watch videos, listen to podcasts, employ professionals, dedicate time etc. in the pursuit of a robust 'curriculum' on the topic? It's better than teaching only basic common knowledge, and feeling like you are wasting 'educational' time every time you engage on the topic. (You could start with 'The Whole Brain Child' and the teenager book by the same author. And/or maybe a DBT workbook for older students? DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, which has pros and cons, but it does a *great* job of emotional regulation skills.)

[kbutton]

2 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I'm glad it helped!

Is it at all possible to consciously and intentionally include "emotional regulation and self-knowledge" as a special subject area to explore this year? Give yourself permission to buy resources, run discussions, watch videos, listen to podcasts, employ professionals, dedicate time etc. in the pursuit of a robust 'curriculum' on the topic? It's better than teaching only basic common knowledge, and feeling like you are wasting 'educational' time every time you engage on the topic. (You could start with 'The Whole Brain Child' and the teenager book by the same author. And/or maybe a DBT workbook for older students? DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, which has pros and cons, but it does a *great* job of emotional regulation skills.)

My son’s school (albeit a quirky one) offers electives (that everyone takes—it’s just categorized as elective for transcript reasons) on things like social emotional learning and interpersonal communication. Just adding that in if it helps give you permission.

That said, it probably is easier to teach someone else’s kids. I mean, you’re doing it already, but your kids know (subconsciously) that you are their safe person and that you know their quirks. They would have to put in more effort for someone else just because of those things.

Hugs while you sort this out. 

[mommyoffive]

14 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

They aren't rude to me or refuse to do what I ask though.  My kids are really sweet and kind children.  For the most part, they do not do things to hurt other people.  I don't know if you ever heard the story of the year my dh was working part time during the holidays and since we had a fake tree that the previous owners of this house left behind we decided the responsible thing to do was not get a real tree.  After making that decision I cried because it would be the first year with of my life without a real tree, something very important to me, and it also felt like a failure as a parent somehow. Well my children collectively went to my dad, who always gives each kid $40 for Christmas, and asked if they could get their Christmas money early so they could use it to buy me a tree. He then took them out, bought them the tree, and they surprised me with it. They really are loving and selfless most of the time.

But they are also emotional wrecks.  They are bad at regulating their emotions but they take that out on themselves.  Or they lean on me for emotional support.  So, when it is multiple kids a day it gets emotionally overwhelming for me. And day after day it hasn't given me the time to regulate my own emotions to be a good support person for them.  Dh is an amazing and involved parent but since I'm home with them all the time, I'm the one they go to when things are real bad or if it is school related.  He does always check in with each kid to give them the support they need as well but it is almost always after the fact since he's at work. He is an amazing support person for me!

All that to say, freezing them out and punishing them for their emotions isn't the thing they need. But I appreciate the idea.

Is there something behind that?  Or is it just their ages?  I think you have a lot of teens  and tweens and that is a lot to live with.  I honestly felt that some of the teen and  tween ages were way more exhausting than the newborn ages.  I could solve the tears and meltdowns then by feeding them and getting them to sleep.  It is harder now, in so many ways.  When I finally figure out what is behind the meltdown it can take a long time to talk through times a few kids it is just draining.  

If there is something more behind their emotions maybe you and them need more support. 

I really love the advice @bolt. gave. 

But I see you and relate.  Homeschooling is hard.  There are lots of days where I wondered why did I choose this?  Having kids of so many ages all day is hard.  Being the emotional support of everyone is a lot of work. 

Is there anything that you could do to make the day better?  Get outside?  Do school somewhere else?  Join a group?  Outsource something?  Change up school a bit?  Game school, online school, nature studies, audio books, or educational shows?

 

 

[ktgrok]

Do you think some of them are capable of learning better ways to calm themselves down before approaching you with their big emotions? Like, having a checklist to consult before coming to mom? Wasn't SWB the one that said, shower, sandwich, nap? As in, if you are struggling, try first taking shower and/or eating a something and/or taking a nap. 

So maybe a checklist like:

If I Am Upset and Feeling Overwhelmed I Will

• do my breathing exercises or meditate
• drink some water
• get a snack
• do jumping jacks
• take a shower (or wash face for a smaller kid)

And then try again. If I'm still upset, I will ask a parent for help. 

[KungFuPanda]

Bare minimum is only a problem when it becomes your norm over time. Being less productive in one area while you focus on another isn’t necessarily a long term risk. It’s early in the year. I hope you get the bugs worked out and hit your stride soon.  
 

Also, don’t be afraid to assess individual needs and let those best served by a classroom environment try it out while others are at home. The scariest part of that scenario is getting your brain around it. They’re likely to launch to some form of schooling outside your home eventually. They don’t all have to do it on the same timetable and some may benefit from a transition phase between home and college. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

They aren't rude to me or refuse to do what I ask though.  My kids are really sweet and kind children.  For the most part, they do not do things to hurt other people.  I don't know if you ever heard the story of the year my dh was working part time during the holidays and since we had a fake tree that the previous owners of this house left behind we decided the responsible thing to do was not get a real tree.  After making that decision I cried because it would be the first year with of my life without a real tree, something very important to me, and it also felt like a failure as a parent somehow. Well my children collectively went to my dad, who always gives each kid $40 for Christmas, and asked if they could get their Christmas money early so they could use it to buy me a tree. He then took them out, bought them the tree, and they surprised me with it. They really are loving and selfless most of the time.

But they are also emotional wrecks.  They are bad at regulating their emotions but they take that out on themselves.  Or they lean on me for emotional support.  So, when it is multiple kids a day it gets emotionally overwhelming for me. And day after day it hasn't given me the time to regulate my own emotions to be a good support person for them.  Dh is an amazing and involved parent but since I'm home with them all the time, I'm the one they go to when things are real bad or if it is school related.  He does always check in with each kid to give them the support they need as well but it is almost always after the fact since he's at work. He is an amazing support person for me!

All that to say, freezing them out and punishing them for their emotions isn't the thing they need. But I appreciate the idea.

What a beautiful story about the Christmas tree.  I don't remember the details, but I do remember there was another time you posted something about your kids and it really touched me how thoughtful they were.  I think maybe they really stepped up when you had been sick but I'm not sure.  You've obviously done a great job raising them to be kind and thoughtful.  

Big hugs to you as you get through this.  It's so hard to have to keep filling their cups day after day after day when yours is empty and drained.  I don't have as many kids as you do and I didn't homeschool all of mine and I still went to bed so many nights feeling defeated because I gave them my all and it wasn't enough.  It really wears you down. 

So, no advice other than to just tell yourself you're doing your best, be kind to yourself, and just try to get through.  Bare minimum is fine for now.  I hope things improve for all of you.  ❤️  

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

I remember how hard it was to start up school again after holidays. Was the main reason I started homeschooling year round.

[MercyA]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

My kids are really sweet and kind children. 

I'm sure a big part of that comes from being with you. And kindness is so, so important in life. 

Huge hugs to you. 

[Ting Tang]

Hugs!  I only have four, and I find myself wishing I was loving this more.  We are with our kids all the time basically, and that is very hard.  I know it is a blessing, but I do believe sometimes we need time away from each other, too.  I also think the more learners you have, the more spread thin you are---no matter how much you try to combine.  I hope things get easier and you can catch a break! 

[73349]

MindUp and Zones of Regulation are further resources that might be useful.

[JustEm]

4 hours ago, bolt. said:

I'm glad it helped!

Is it at all possible to consciously and intentionally include "emotional regulation and self-knowledge" as a special subject area to explore this year? Give yourself permission to buy resources, run discussions, watch videos, listen to podcasts, employ professionals, dedicate time etc. in the pursuit of a robust 'curriculum' on the topic? It's better than teaching only basic common knowledge, and feeling like you are wasting 'educational' time every time you engage on the topic. (You could start with 'The Whole Brain Child' and the teenager book by the same author. And/or maybe a DBT workbook for older students? DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, which has pros and cons, but it does a *great* job of emotional regulation skills.)

It is certainly possible and I will work to do that. Thanks for the suggestions 

[JustEm]

4 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

Is there something behind that?  Or is it just their ages?  I think you have a lot of teens  and tweens and that is a lot to live with.  I honestly felt that some of the teen and  tween ages were way more exhausting than the newborn ages.  I could solve the tears and meltdowns then by feeding them and getting them to sleep.  It is harder now, in so many ways.  When I finally figure out what is behind the meltdown it can take a long time to talk through times a few kids it is just draining.  

If there is something more behind their emotions maybe you and them need more support. 

I really love the advice @bolt. gave. 

But I see you and relate.  Homeschooling is hard.  There are lots of days where I wondered why did I choose this?  Having kids of so many ages all day is hard.  Being the emotional support of everyone is a lot of work. 

Is there anything that you could do to make the day better?  Get outside?  Do school somewhere else?  Join a group?  Outsource something?  Change up school a bit?  Game school, online school, nature studies, audio books, or educational shows?

 

 

Most of them have different reasons for their emotional struggles right now.  One is mourning a close friendship that hasn't ended but drastically changed because that friend went off to college. Another is struggling with confidence  issues. Another is struggling with finding motivation even in the things they know they love. and the rest is normal young kid meltdowns.

I really don't know what to do to change up school. My high schooler has some outsourced stuff. The next 2 only have math and writing at the moment. Everything else is up to them. And the youngest 3 are easy enough school wise they are more the emotional mess when it comes to changes and routine not being exactly what they expected, depending on the kid

[JustEm]

4 hours ago, ktgrok said:

Do you think some of them are capable of learning better ways to calm themselves down before approaching you with their big emotions? Like, having a checklist to consult before coming to mom? Wasn't SWB the one that said, shower, sandwich, nap? As in, if you are struggling, try first taking shower and/or eating a something and/or taking a nap. 

So maybe a checklist like:

If I Am Upset and Feeling Overwhelmed I Will

• do my breathing exercises or meditate
• drink some water
• get a snack
• do jumping jacks
• take a shower (or wash face for a smaller kid)

And then try again. If I'm still upset, I will ask a parent for help. 

That is a good idea to work on with them. Some can do that when it comes to non school related stuff. But right now most of their stuff,minus my oldest is all done with me because doing it by themselves was even more emotionally awful

[JustEm]

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

What a beautiful story about the Christmas tree.  I don't remember the details, but I do remember there was another time you posted something about your kids and it really touched me how thoughtful they were.  I think maybe they really stepped up when you had been sick but I'm not sure.  You've obviously done a great job raising them to be kind and thoughtful.  

Big hugs to you as you get through this.  It's so hard to have to keep filling their cups day after day after day when yours is empty and drained.  I don't have as many kids as you do and I didn't homeschool all of mine and I still went to bed so many nights feeling defeated because I gave them my all and it wasn't enough.  It really wears you down. 

So, no advice other than to just tell yourself you're doing your best, be kind to yourself, and just try to get through.  Bare minimum is fine for now.  I hope things improve for all of you.  ❤️  

I know I shared something else they collectively blew me away with, maybe when I had COVID. And I try to regularly remind myself that dh and I are both great at teaching them kindness and compassion through our everyday actions. Which helps when I'm entirely drained. 

It really is the day after day and not having my cup refilled before more filling of their cups that has gotten me to this boiling point. I had my first anxiety attack in years yesterday and realized I no longer knew how to talk myself down. My dogs used to be my emotional support when it got that bad but they both passed away within the year (today is the 1 year anniversary of the first to go.) So, I told dh last night that I NEED another dog, even though I don't want one yet.

Thanks!

[JustEm]

Thank you all so much for the support and advice. I'm feeling much better. Better enough to tackle the rest of the day☺️ and hopefully start tomorrow off right.

[fairfarmhand]

At those ages, I had to be very intentional about every one getting enough sleep moving their bodies (breaking a sweat and increasing heart rate) and eating right. It helps my ds a lot to go for a run. Also sunshine…

wnd that goes for moms too 

[Not_a_Number]

I really feel you on that. We're having a hard year, too. A hard few years, really. 

Last year, I'm pretty sure all that DD11 learned was emotional regulation. And you know something? I was OK with that. That stuff's going to be WAY, WAY more important in her life than all the math I teach her. (And I'm a mathematician! I really care about the math I teach her!) 

Also, take some breaks. It's not selfish. Your kids need you to be a functional person. You don't need to be right there for each outburst. Put on your own life jacket first . . . 

Edited September 19, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[mommyoffive]

2 hours ago, hjffkj said:

I know I shared something else they collectively blew me away with, maybe when I had COVID. And I try to regularly remind myself that dh and I are both great at teaching them kindness and compassion through our everyday actions. Which helps when I'm entirely drained. 

It really is the day after day and not having my cup refilled before more filling of their cups that has gotten me to this boiling point. I had my first anxiety attack in years yesterday and realized I no longer knew how to talk myself down. My dogs used to be my emotional support when it got that bad but they both passed away within the year (today is the 1 year anniversary of the first to go.) So, I told dh last night that I NEED another dog, even though I don't want one yet.

Thanks!

Maybe do things to fill your own cup more?  Whatever that means.   Maybe the dog is something you need.  The last 2 dogs we got because different kids of mine wanted them, but I realized how much I needed them and didn't know I did at the time.  

Hoping the days get better for you all.  My uncle always used to tell me the days are long but the time is short. That is 1000% true with homeschooling.  On my down days or weeks I would feel like it was never ending and we were not making progress.  But maybe it was because I was so close to it, that I couldn't see it.  

[BusyMom5]

Hugs!  I've got 6 kids, too, and have felt this way often over the last 5 years or so.  I've thought it was having so many kids in every stage of childhood and constantly switching my parenting methods between those ages.   I feel like a Yo-yo.  My mind constantly switches from teen parenting to toddler parenting, then to grade school parenting.   It's exhausting.   I've currently got college, high school, middle school, and elementary- and I am still a yo-yo.  I don't have any good advice, but know that I'm right there with you!

[amyx4]

I have just one kid less than you, so I get it.😜 You're doing a good job.

I'm unsure of the age of your youngest but can you get 30m or so to yourself before bed? Can you nudge everyone to stay in their rooms by 9:00 and then you've got an hour to yourself?  Please don't use this time for chores or paperwork. I know it's hard but try to think of something just for you. A good book, podcast, dark chocolate....

I co-slept forever and mine have always shared rooms with each other so it took a bit to get to the point of getting everyone in their rooms by 9:00 but it helped my sanity so very very much.

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, amyx4 said:

I have just one kid less than you, so I get it.😜 You're doing a good job.

I'm unsure of the age of your youngest but can you get 30m or so to yourself before bed? Can you nudge everyone to stay in their rooms by 9:00 and then you've got an hour to yourself?  Please don't use this time for chores or paperwork. I know it's hard but try to think of something just for you. A good book, podcast, dark chocolate....

I co-slept forever and mine have always shared rooms with each other so it took a bit to get to the point of getting everyone in their rooms by 9:00 but it helped my sanity so very very much.

Yes. this. Also, I got up before everyone else and they knew it would be bad if they came to me before 7 am. I needed that peace to bracket my day. 

My oldest I know felt it was silly that she had to be in bed by a certain time (she shared with a sibling so there was no "just stay in her room") but she could read quietly or listen to music on headphones. I needed the break. I also staggered bedtimes so the youngers went to bed 45 minutes to an hour before the olders so I could spend some time with the older kids. They needed that attention too.

I had a goal that the whole family was a part of. Getting the house tidy before bed. I needed to sit in a reasonably tidy house last thing at night and first thing in the morning. It helped my mindset so much.

Is there anything your dh can do? Grandparents? Aunts or Uncles? At those ages, the kids likely need some one on one attention and while getting it from mom is good, sometimes other people can help too. Are your older kids able to text? Perhaps being able to text another adult when they're feeling overwhelmed might be helpful. 

This is just a hodgepodge of ideas. Feel free to use what you like and disregard anything that won't be helpful for YOUR family.

Honestly, emotions are going to be a thing at the ages your kids have. Yes, you get to teach them how to regulate and handle them appropriately. But to do that, you have to be okay. The first step is getting your cup filled so you can manage all that you need to do. 

[PeterPan]

I tell my ds to STOP BEING A JERK and he's just 1 kid. 

21 hours ago, Katy said:

Dawn from the minimal mom talked about a similar dynamic at her house on her “podcast” video last night. She said she was using this book called How to Have a New Kid by Friday or something like that. The technique is to just say a non-emotional, “Ok.” When your kid is rude or refuses to do what you ask. Then stop everything you normally do for them, including screen time, internet time, etc. when they need you and finally ask for something you say, “ No, I’m not going to do that for you because…” you hurt my feelings, you were rude, whatever the reason is. I’m probably not explaining it well because I haven’t read that book. But her explanation made me wonder if it would help a hormonal tween think about how they’re treating people and put it in my Amazon cart. 
 

She did say the hardest part was remaining calm on the outside while she was seething and imagining lectures on the inside. 

Sounds totally right to me. There's nothing like good emotional instruction. Except maybe actually addressing the underlying causes of emotional meltdowns (lack of interoception/self awareness, etc.). But yeah, totally good stuff, exactly what you should be saying. And you probably don't even need the book at that point, haha, unless you need the pep rally. 

The behaviorist had us use terms like "privilege" and "responsibility" as well. So you want the nice things that come with living in our family but you don't want to do the work and the rest that comes with it, lol.

When kids aren't picking up the clue phone and inferring it for themselves, yes you sometimes have to be that explicit. I was talking with another mom (to all appearances NT) who said her mom did that to her too, so it's not like it's just for ND/SN. Good instruction and making emotion issues explicit is just good parenting. 

23 hours ago, hjffkj said:

This year I have a 9th

If it makes you feel any better, the oldest is probably right on the cusp of being a nice person again. And within a couple years, multiple of them will start to be nice people again. Then they will leave. Then you will have less work.

32 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

have felt this way often over the last 5 years or so

Absolutely. This is WORK we we WORK HARD and I'm going to RETIRE!!! If only homeschooling came with a retirement plan so I could live it up when I retire. 🤣

[fairfarmhand]

5 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

I tell my ds to STOP BEING A JERK and he's just 1 kid. 

Sounds totally right to me. There's nothing like good emotional instruction. Except maybe actually addressing the underlying causes of emotional meltdowns (lack of interoception/self awareness, etc.). But yeah, totally good stuff, exactly what you should be saying. And you probably don't even need the book at that point, haha, unless you need the pep rally. 

The behaviorist had us use terms like "privilege" and "responsibility" as well. So you want the nice things that come with living in our family but you don't want to do the work and the rest that comes with it, lol.

When kids aren't picking up the clue phone and inferring it for themselves, yes you sometimes have to be that explicit. I was talking with another mom (to all appearances NT) who said her mom did that to her too, so it's not like it's just for ND/SN. Good instruction and making emotion issues explicit is just good parenting. 

If it makes you feel any better, the oldest is probably right on the cusp of being a nice person again. And within a couple years, multiple of them will start to be nice people again. Then they will leave. Then you will have less work.

Absolutely. This is WORK we we WORK HARD and I'm going to RETIRE!!! If only homeschooling came with a retirement plan so I could live it up when I retire. 🤣

My phrasing is "It is hard for me to feel motivated to drive you to FUN THING when you were so horrible to me earlier today. I wonder what could reset my mood so I might feel a bit more motivated?"

This doesn't happen in the moment usually. It may happen a few hours later. And I try to not do it on the cusp of "We need to leave right now." because I don't feel like its fair to drop that on someone at the last minute.  But I will be sitting on the sofa a few hours later and snotty kid walks by and I calmly say "Just so you know..." in a regretful tone of voice. Not punishing, nor vengeful. Just informative, like "Here's where I am coming from"

However, these kind of events that I'd be referring to are different from emotional meltdowns. Meltdowns come from "TOO MUCH FEELING" I respond this way for things like crabbiness, hateful tone, intentionally not doing chores and giving attitude about it.