Our grandbaby girl, baby A, was born last night, stillborn.

[GailV]

I am so sorry.

[Ellie]

((((Faith-manor and everyone)))) I am so sorry. Many prayers for everyone.

[Longtime Lurker]

I am so sorry. What a terrible loss!

[Faith-manor]

4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Make sure everyone eats, but keep it low fibre because digestion is too much work.

(((hugs to all)))

Thank you Rosie. Good reminder. Keep it simple, carbs for energy, nothing too difficult to process.

I made it to Dayton. I was just too exhausted to go further. I am in a hotel, and will make the rest of the trip tomorrow.

Baby A was 38 weeks + 3 days.

We did pay for the testing so hopefully there will be some answers for them. Three foundations plus relatives on both sides are contributing for cremation and an urn. Mamma had a very bad delivery (baby came so fast after they turned the pitocin on that her poor body had no time to prepare, and she tore very very badly). Our goal at this time is caring for her physical and mental health needs, and papa as well. I have no idea if we will eventually gather for any kind of memorial. This is a one day at a time thing. When I get back, I will be coordinating from home for a couple of days. Our two bachelor sons, one of whom was going to be A's godfather, are spending the weekend caring for mommy and daddy. I will spend a day or two resting, get some appointments rescheduled at home for me and for mother in law, and then spend a week with them. After I leave, baby A's auntie on her father's side is going to come.

The hospital arranged for a photographer to come, and they have some beautiful photos of her, and the nurses did hand and foot prints on nice paper. I think the photos were covered by the chaplains benevolence fund, but I could be wrong about that. If they end up being charged for the pictures, Mark and I will pay that bill. It is really important for them to keep those photos.

[Faith-manor]

9 hours ago, cintinative said:

@Faith-manorThis website has a list with more charities that help with infant death funeral costs.

They might not have the emotional bandwidth, and I totally understand that.

http://littlelovefoundation.blogspot.com/p/resources-financial-assistance-for.html

The link was broken for this one. Fixing it. 

https://angelnames.org/support.html#forfamiliesanchor

SEOLE  

The Securing End-of-Life Expenses (SEOLE), pronounced “soul,” program provides assistance with autopsy, funeral, burial and cremation expenses. Funding is sent to the service provider (i.e. funeral home). Families complete a brief “REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE” form and submit an itemized invoice/estimate from the service provider.

Thank you. We checked them out, and Tears is helping so is SEOLE. Then another local one that is connected to the hospital. I am thankful for these resources. It is so gut wrenching to me to think of daddy spending his day making these arrangements.

[cjzimmer1]

14 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

 

The hospital arranged for a photographer to come, and they have some beautiful photos of her, and the nurses did hand and foot prints on nice paper. I think the photos were covered by the chaplains benevolence fund, but I could be wrong about that. If they end up being charged for the pictures, Mark and I will pay that bill. It is really important for them to keep those photos.

I know a lot of the hospitals around here work with photographers who donate their time and work for these situations and there is national group for this as well.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep | Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

 

I would imagine that in one of these ways the pictures are covered.  I can't imagine that any one would be sending out a surprise bill in this case. 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

. I think the photos were covered by the chaplains benevolence fund, but I could be wrong about that

I’m sure it varies but I was not charged for photos or any memorabilia. In my case, I have a hand knit baby gown and bonnet made by kind and compassionate people, donated to loss parents. 
 

Precipitous labor was a factor in my case too, although I did not have pitocin. It was only three hours from the first contraction to her horribly silent arrival. 
 

Also, I hope it is not crass to bring this up, but I was “diagnosed” with a blood clotting factor at the time that I later learned I *do not have*. I think after FT stillbirth and an early miscarriage, there was an interest in finding a reason, but when I went through hematology for breast cancer, my hematologist said I DO NOT have this and it is better to correct it than perpetuate the error. He actually told me it is quite common to be incorrectly dx’d with a clotting disorder under those circumstances. They are “looking for” an explanation (probably in part for psychological reasons in subsequent pregnancies) but can be misdiagnosed. 

[Harriet Vane]

I’m so sorry. Praying for all of you and especially the sweet parents.

[kbutton]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

Also, I hope it is not crass to bring this up, but I was “diagnosed” with a blood clotting factor at the time that I later learned I *do not have*. I think after FT stillbirth and an early miscarriage, there was an interest in finding a reason, but when I went through hematology for breast cancer, my hematologist said I DO NOT have this and it is better to correct it than perpetuate the error. He actually told me it is quite common to be incorrectly dx’d with a clotting disorder under those circumstances. They are “looking for” an explanation (probably in part for psychological reasons in subsequent pregnancies) but can be misdiagnosed. 

They get more data all the time to make the diagnostic criteria accurate and treatments more precise. For some types of clotting disorders, they now have genetic testing. It's important for doctors to follow those guidelines so that this doesn't happen. In the past, I am not sure what they did to diagnose, but I would not be surprised if they might've treated people presumptively if they didn't have good data/testing to go on.

[Kidlit]

My sincere condolences 

[Farrar]

Holding you and all who loved Baby A in the light, Faith. This sort of thing is so wrenching.

I have so many thoughts about people I've known who have gone through this and so much rage at our medical establishment and our maternal and baby outcomes... none of it is helpful, but I just... I hope you're able to give everyone the love and support they deserve and that they get those answers.

[Arcadia]

@Quill I had the test for blood clotting while in college in the early 90s. My issue end up being that my wounds reopen very easily which makes healing slow because they clot fast enough but reopen on slight impact.  

[SHP]

Hugs, so many hugs

I was not charged for the cremation of my baby. When I called around I was told they do not charge for babies. 

[Faith-manor]

Thank you everyone. I got up at 5 am, and was to my sons' apartment by 10 am. I picked up one of them, and we went to spend an hour with dd and dsil. I held them both for a while, made lunch, took ds back to the apartment, and in a minute, will hit the road for our house which is 3 hrs away.

Holding them and listening to their sobs nearly ripped my heart out of my chest. I don't know if it was even helpful, or if my presence made things worse. Maybe if I had not gone, they could have had a numb day without the emotional exhaustion. Maybe it was needed. I don't know. Our eldest, Dd and dsil, sent a gift basket of door dash cards, an beautiful picture frame for A's hospital footprints, and post partum items that will help mommy heal and be more comfortable physically.

The drive home is going to feel worse than yesterday. Thankfully, dh's arms will be waiting.

[mommyoffive]

Oh @Faith-manor.  My heart is broken for them and for you.  Just thinking of your family.

[Resilient]

I am so sorry. Stillbirth is ... awful to face.  

[Ausmumof3]

I’m only just seeing this, I’m so sorry for this tragic loss 😞 

[Faith-manor]

Update:

I didn't make it very far down the road, maybe 30 minutes and then had a bereft phone call from dsil. He could hardly talk. The hospital had allowed the wrong funeral home to take custody of baby, apparently a snafu with another baby who had passed in the NICU. They were beside themselves, and simply unable to handle this. I turned around and drove back with the hospital on speaker phone the whole way because dsil had told them when they saw my phone number on caller ID they had to pick up and talk to me. I went mama bear, immediately was transferred to the right person, and very quickly the correct funeral home was notified, and they graciously went to the other funeral home at no charge, and picked up baby. The autopsy had been completed - we paid for that, I was going to own someone if she had been released without that done, but thankfully it wasn't that level of mix up.

Then I went back and spent the day with them, and laid over at the boys' apartment. Last night we all had a good dinner together. Mama and daddy needed to be able to share their birth/delivery experience just like any set of parents, but hadn't felt safe to do that with anyone else so far because when they try with his family, they get clearly, physically uncomfortable. So the five of us sat around and just shared rather naturally, and I gave some post partum tips. One of my ds's said later, "That might have been more about my birth than I ever wanted to know, but they really needed to sit and talk through this naturally, like any recently birthed mom and dad would, so I sucked it up and tried to act normal." That made me chuckle. Oh, and the chaplain fund is providing several weeks of professional grief therapy for both of them. I am very grateful for that since they cannot afford it themselves.

So,I am just now home with dh. We have had a good snuggle and cry together. Mil, in one of her startlingly most lucid moments of harking back to her years as first a NICU nurse (sick baby nurse back then) and a pediatric specialty nurse gave us some insight, based on some subtle things she could see from the photos, of what might have gone wrong, and how that might not have been caused by gene mutations that they carry. If she is right, that would be such good news because it could mean there is something that can be done, and maybe they can try again in the future with a high risk doctor and more monitoring. We will see. It will be quite a while before there is a report.

There will be a private, small service later in the week, and we will go back for that.

I am exhausted. Just so bone tired. But before this happened we made plans to meet with our eldest ds and dil for dinner. They have something to celebrate, both of them having writing that was accepted for publication and ds winning a writing award. I do not want to cancel this. In the midst of the heartsick, it is good to have something else to think about, something to celebrate and enjoy. And they really scaled back their celebration from a party with a lot of family and friends, to just dinner with Mark and I in honor of their little niece, and not wanting to take a large number people away from focusing on their sibling and sibling in law, an action that is so very thoughtful. So dinner tonight, and then I swear I am going to collapse, and tomorrow I am doing exactly NOTHING, but cuddling on the couch with Mark and watching movies.

Thank you everyone. I can never express how much your support and kind, loving words mean to me!

[mommyoffive]

I am so sorry for the extra stress the mix up with the funeral caused.  It was a wonderful thing for you to handle that for them.

Thinking of your family and sending some gentle hugs.  

[maize]

I'm so glad on the parents' behalf that you have been able to be there for them through this,  and that you will be a support through the long grieving process.

I hope you are able to get the rest you need.

I wish that no parent ever had to go through losing a child.

[East Coast Sue]

Many gentle hugs. You are a blessing and comfort to your family.
My sincere and deepest condolences to you, your dd, dsil, and entire family. 

[Arcadia]

I picked an infertility specialist for my obgyn in asia. My appointments for first trimester was every 3 weeks, then 2 weeks for second trimester and every week for 3rd. Lots of blood tests and ultrasound were done regularly. Had to go on bedrest.

My first obgyn appointment here in the states was disappointing. We again picked an infertility specialist to switch to and although the insurance don’t cover as many ultrasounds, we still get thorough care and very close monitoring.

Hopefully your daughter’s situation is a simple case of needing better nutrition and more rest.

[Eos]

On 4/27/2023 at 2:05 PM, Faith-manor said:

Maybe it was needed.

It was.  I've been gone for a week so haven't seen this sad news.  I'm holding you and your family in the light, hoping peace will settle over you.  

[busymama7]

On 4/26/2023 at 6:27 AM, Faith-manor said:

I am just gutted. I don't know how to comfort my daughter and son in law. (This daughter is not officially ours but would have been had she been available for adoption.) We are Marmee and Papa Mark to little A. 

I am leaving in a while to drive home from Alabama so I can be there to take care them when they get home from the hospital tomorrow.

We don't know why she died. I am worried that the doctors and pathology will not look for the cause because our daughter is on Medicaid because both she and her husband's full time jobs do not provide medical insurance.

I am not in a good place emotionally at the moment. I also need to be strong for them.

I was out of town and didn't see this message right away.  I am so sorry for your and their loss. 

I had a full term still birth 18 years ago. Even if they do an autopsy they almost never have an explanation.    There is some theory that it is the same as SIDS  but happens prenatally instead.   I haven't researched it in awhile so possibly things have changed. But especially if it was an intrauterine death and not during labor, then there is rarely a cause that can be discovered.  

Please make sure they take lots of photos and they may choose to be involved in things like dressing her.   I am pasting in the link to my video about my daughter but I will delete it in a few hours. 

PLEASE DON'T QUOTE this link:

(Deleted for privacy.  Happy to share in a PM)

Just be there.  And let them talk a lot.  Or none if they don't want to.  Provide all physical support (meals, cleaning etc)

 

 

Edited May 1, 2023 by busymama7

[Kassia]

@busymama7I'm so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for sharing something so personal with us.  Sending you hugs.

[mommyoffive]

@busymama7 I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful dd.  That is such a beautiful tribute to her.  

[busymama7]

Thanks all.  I was in a rush to leave for church butI shared because I was so grateful that I had people around me that encouraged me to be so involved.  We were so glad because we really only had that week with her and I am glad I did everything I could when I had the chance.