Easter at my mom’s

[saraha]

So far, has not been too bad comparatively! She gave us 1 hour and 7 minutes to eat before putting all the food away, including dessert, which might be a record. The battle with dd about the lamp in the corner continues, she hasn’t gotten up and turned it on yet, but she’s mentioned it three times now. I’m pretty sure dd16 picked that spot to read just to see if she would start in about the lamp again.

There is not enough seating so dh stretched out on the floor to watch the random hallmark movie she insisted we all sit down and watch. she tossed him a throw pillow, then, despite dh’s protest, went around and took all the throw pillows the others sitting on the floor had and stacked them up next to dh, insisting that he use all of them. He is not using them 😆 eventually he handed them back out

I declined dessert, so she has mentioned at least five times that I need to eat dessert. But it’s all put away. So not sure what I should do there. I think it’s bothering her that there is one piece of pie and I won’t eat it.

dd18 asked if she could warm up some Mac and cheese and mom said no, everything is put away. It is put away, in my crockpot, because I made it and brought it, and am taking the leftovers home. But she can’t have any

She doesn’t like that dd18 is wearing her  cardigan off her shoulders and mom has told her to fix it at least three times, dd18 is more patient than me, she just keeps saying she likes it that way.

She brought out that toy guitar agaaaaiiinnn. Dh considers it a game now and has decided to see how long it goes on. Da12’s guitar was in the trunk so ds12 went out to get it to show her that he uses a much bigger guitar, she did NOT alike that we had a guitar in the car.

She told ds12 he could work a crossword puzzle in her book and then pestered him til he finally picked up the book and pencil and is pretending to work it while we watch this movie.

ds22 is her favorite, so he gets to sit in her recliner and she hasn’t pestered him at all.

Now she’s complaining about dd18 and I both being on our phones, but we are not allowed to do anything but sit and watch this hallmark movie. We are leaving when the movie is over. 

Just an update 😉

Edited April 10, 2023 by saraha

[saraha]

And now she and dh are discussing ice cream again… he just told her the same thing as last time, if you would like me to throw it away for you, I can do that, but we aren’t taking it home… 😆

Edited April 9, 2023 by saraha

[Faith-manor]

Wow, okay. She enjoys being a broken record! LOL. At least no one is ready to lose their cool.

[Scarlett]

Sounds like you all handle her well. 

[Garga]

How emotionally exhausting! You know how after doing a hated chore that you set a little reward for yourself? Like, you might say, “After I clean out this garage, I’m going to go out to dinner!”

I think your family needs to come up with a reward to look forward to after hanging out with your mom. 

Edited April 9, 2023 by Garga

[cjzimmer1]

You get major kuddos for even showing up!  I don't think I could have made myself do that.

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Garga said:

How emotionally exhausting! You know how after doing a hated chore that you set a little reward for yourself? Like, you might say, “After I clean out this garage, I’m going to go out to dinner!”

I think your family needs to come up with a reward to look forward to after hanging out with your mom. 

YES!

[Grace Hopper]

Oh my goodness it sounds like Groundhog Day! Your commentary is hilarious. I’m glad you’re all good sports and that there is an end in sight. 

[math teacher]

You all deserve a reward, but this one really gets me:

A grandchild asked for something to eat, and she said no????

[Terabith]

Does she have severe OCD?

[Junie]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Oh my goodness it sounds like Groundhog Day! Your commentary is hilarious. I’m glad you’re all good sports and that there is an end in sight. 

This is exactly what I thought.

[fraidycat]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Oh my goodness it sounds like Groundhog Day! Your commentary is hilarious. I’m glad you’re all good sports and that there is an end in sight. 

I was composing my reply as I scrolled the replies and you said it first, but this was my thought, too!

Saraha, maybe you need to watch the movie with your kids and do some sort of compare and contrast project. Movie vs. real life holidays with Grandma. 😂 Then make a game of it for future holidays. Winner (or Loser?) gets the ice cream. 😂😂😂

Sidenote that it has been yeeears since I've seen the movie, so not sure if it has aged well in terms of equality or how raunchy it might be. I don't remember the details, so a pre-screen watch might be a good idea.

Edited April 9, 2023 by fraidycat

[saraha]

1 hour ago, math teacher said:

You all deserve a reward, but this one really gets me:

A grandchild asked for something to eat, and she said no????

AND, it was my Mac and cheese, in my crockpot that I brought and was taking back home!

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

Does she have severe OCD?

I don’t think so, maybe she is getting more of those tendencies as she ages. She is and always has been super controlling. Like she picked out my school clothes everyday of my life til I was driving myself to school and would be up and gone before she was up kind of controlling 

[saraha]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Sounds like you all handle her well. 

I am getting there. I finally stopped being scared of her the last year or so, and that made all the difference 

Edited April 9, 2023 by saraha

[saraha]

Oh! And I forgot to say that she called while I was still driving home. Dh answered it and she told him to tell me that as soon as I get home I am to open the package of toothbrushes and put a toothbrush and box of toothpaste that she sent with me in separate bags for my older kids with their names on them to give them the next time they are home. 
I won’t see the girls again til move out day…😆

[-----]

Your kids and your dh also sound like they're handling the situation great.  You must have taught them well. 😉

[Junie]

Maybe y'all need a bingo card.

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Junie said:

Maybe y'all need a bingo card.

My kids do that at my MIL's!  🤣

[Kassia]

23 minutes ago, saraha said:

AND, it was my Mac and cheese, in my crockpot that I brought and was taking back home!

 

oh, good grief!  

 

22 minutes ago, saraha said:

I am getting there. I finally stopped being scared of her the last year or so, and that made all the difference 

Yay!  So happy for you.  It really does make a difference.  

[saraha]

I called her to tell her we were home. She said finally, what took you so long??? 😆 she’s happy now, she dropped into the conversation that my sister called her and has food poisoning. She commented that their trip was not going very well. I said “oh, they’re on a trip? That’s nice, I didn’t know they had gone on a trip.” She spent some time saying things like, oh I thought you guys were getting so close now and talked all the time. Guess not, but she still tells me everything 🙄then she proceeded to give me a blow by blow of my sisters trip. Now she is telling me how to cure food poisoning but that my sister never listens 😆

she is very happy to know she knew something I didn’t know. She used to work really hard to control the communication between my sister and I and she tests me all the time to see how often I talk to her and what I know. Big win for mom this evening

Edited April 9, 2023 by saraha

[Kassia]

@saraha  oof, what a day.  Give yourself a big pat on the back for surviving and feel good that it's behind you now.  ❤️ 

[saraha]

Yeah, it was going to well I think, so she had to ruin it. She always does that, if we have a good visit, she will call the next day or whatever and blow it up.

[saraha]

I was telling dh about her calling and he replied “ really? She usually waits at least a day before calling and ruining it. At Thanksgiving and Christmas you were very distant and disengaged with your mom. Today I noticed you put in effort to make conversation, to go along to get along. I wonder if because you were more like your old self, she felt more comfortable to act like her old self.” 
Something to think about, I guess

[Katy]

Just now, saraha said:

I was telling dh about her calling and he replied “ really? She usually waits at least a day before calling and ruining it. At Thanksgiving and Christmas you were very distant and disengaged with your mom. Today I noticed you put in effort to make conversation, to go along to get along. I wonder if because you were more like your old self, she felt more comfortable to act like her old self.” 
Something to think about, I guess

That sounds about right

[Harriet Vane]

You’re handling this like a pro. With the choice to laugh or cry, you’re choosing laughter. It’s good that you are stepping outside of this and watching it unfold rather than riding the chaos emotionally. 

[saraha]

Thanks, although I will say her being all gleeful that she knew something about my sister that I didn’t know, therefore she has something over me, did get to me a little bit. The oh, I thought you guys were getting all buddy buddy, guess you’re not as close as I thought snark bothers me less than it used to, but it still makes me sad. She just loves to have something over on someone. She really likes having that sense of power. It’s so petty 

[Harriet Vane]

6 minutes ago, saraha said:

Thanks, although I will say her being all gleeful that she knew something about my sister that I didn’t know, therefore she has something over me, did get to me a little bit. The oh, I thought you guys were getting all buddy buddy, guess you’re not as close as I thought snark bothers me less than it used to, but it still makes me sad. She just loves to have something over on someone. She really likes having that sense of power. It’s so petty 

It IS petty and hurtful. Your feelings are valid. But you are in a totally different place with this—you see what’s happening while it’s happening and more importantly, you are recognizing and naming what is true. 

[saraha]

I definitely can see improvement in myself and my reactions to her behaviors. I see the pattern now, and try not to let her draw me in like she used to. I used to spend all this energy trying to show her I’m not the things she says, or justify myself etc. and now I just don’t. Mostly. And I stand up more for myself and for my kids autonomy. Instead of trying to explain why I’m not forcing my 12 year old to go to the bathroom when she thinks he should, I just looked at him and said, you are big enough to take care of yourself and moved on. Less words gives her less ammunition 

Edited April 10, 2023 by saraha

[fraidycat]

11 minutes ago, saraha said:

Thanks, although I will say her being all gleeful that she knew something about my sister that I didn’t know, therefore she has something over me, did get to me a little bit. The oh, I thought you guys were getting all buddy buddy, guess you’re not as close as I thought snark bothers me less than it used to, but it still makes me sad. She just loves to have something over on someone. She really likes having that sense of power. It’s so petty 

 Being sad and a hurt by her tone and words is a normal reaction when someone is intentionally mean like she is. 
I'm so glad that you are now in a place to only be "gotten to a little bit" rather than emotionally shook so hard that it takes hours or days to calm down after getting off the phone with her. You have come so far.

[Kassia]

18 minutes ago, saraha said:

I definitely can see improvement in myself and my reactions to her behaviors. I see the pattern now, and try not to let her draw me in like she used to. I used to spend all this energy trying to show her I’m not the things she says, or justify myself etc. and now I just don’t. Mostly. And I stand up more for myself and for my kids autonomy. Instead of trying to explain why I’m not forcing my 12 year old to go to the bathroom when she thinks he should, I just looked at him and said, you are big enough to take care of yourself and moved on. Less words gives her less ammunition 

 

14 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

You have come so far.

This is what I see too.  "You have come so far."  You really have!  Your DH's thoughts made sense too.  

[Katy]

You could always roll your eyes and lie, "Or I didn't know sister had told you anything about it and I was only honoring her wishes to keep silent about her life."  I mean I know you probably wouldn't say it because you aren't petty... but I might.

[ktgrok]

5 hours ago, math teacher said:

You all deserve a reward, but this one really gets me:

A grandchild asked for something to eat, and she said no????

I didn't know grandparents were capable of that! 

2 hours ago, saraha said:

I definitely can see improvement in myself and my reactions to her behaviors. I see the pattern now, and try not to let her draw me in like she used to. I used to spend all this energy trying to show her I’m not the things she says, or justify myself etc. and now I just don’t. Mostly. And I stand up more for myself and for my kids autonomy. Instead of trying to explain why I’m not forcing my 12 year old to go to the bathroom when she thinks he should, I just looked at him and said, you are big enough to take care of yourself and moved on. Less words gives her less ammunition 

Honestly, you get to a point with certain people where you are one minute arguing and trying to convince them they are in the wrong, to realizing "OH!!!!! You are not functioning at the same level as a rational human! THAT explains it!" and just stop trying. Same as you wouldn't try to explain algebra to a 2 yr old. They won't understand, no matter how well you try to teach it, and you KNOW they won't be able to comprehend, so you don't even bother to try. Same thing. When you get upset, imagine trying to teach the quadratic formula to a toddler, and how pointless it would be, and how it makes way more sense to just give them a popsicle and point out the cool butterfly flying by. 

[Arcadia]

3 hours ago, saraha said:

Thanks, although I will say her being all gleeful that she knew something about my sister that I didn’t know, therefore she has something over me, did get to me a little bit. The oh, I thought you guys were getting all buddy buddy, guess you’re not as close as I thought snark bothers me less than it used to, but it still makes me sad. She just loves to have something over on someone. She really likes having that sense of power. It’s so petty 

With my in-laws it is a tactic to pry information so I always act blurr. My in-laws would ask how much my brother gets paid which even if I know I won’t blab. 

[Storygirl]

I wonder if you could shorten the next visit. Just eat and leave. Why stay for a movie that no one wants to watch? You could tell her ahead of time that you are not planning to stay after dinner is over. I'm sure she would not like it, but maybe it would eliminate many of the irritating interactions.

[Corraleno]

18 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I wonder if you could shorten the next visit. Just eat and leave. Why stay for a movie that no one wants to watch? You could tell her ahead of time that you are not planning to stay after dinner is over. I'm sure she would not like it, but maybe it would eliminate many of the irritating interactions.

It would be a fun experiment to see how quickly she puts away the leftover food if she knows everyone is leaving as soon as dinner is over — plus watching her try to control the competing urges to put everything away vs prolonging the meal to keep everyone from leaving would be way more entertaining than a Hallmark movie!

[Indigo Blue]

8 hours ago, Arcadia said:

With my in-laws it is a tactic to pry information so I always act blurr. My in-laws would ask how much my brother gets paid which even if I know I won’t blab. 

My mom recently found out how much her neighbor, who just lost his job as a wine distributor, makes. And it is a pretty high salary. Since the boys graduated college, mom has tried to find out how much they make. She knows how much my nieces make. She’s always volunteering that information to me. 
 

Anyway, she said to me recently, as she was, sigh, gossiping to me about this neighbor’s salary and recent job loss, “Well, your son should make way more than my neighbor does. There is no way that a wine distributor should make more than an engineer. Ds should make at least that if not way more than what a wine distributor makes!”

Then she waited for me to fall into that trap and spill out what ds makes. She’d love to compare that to what my nieces make. 
 

I have to admit that I almost did, but I caught myself. But, nice try. 
 

(Ds, as a newly graduated engineer, doesn’t make as much as the neighbor. The neighbor worked on commission and lots of people with different jobs can earn the same or more than an engineer. But I no longer try to explain this stuff). Besides, it was probably just a tactic anyway. I really think it annoys her that I don’t tell her what my sons make. 

[Indigo Blue]

11 hours ago, saraha said:

I definitely can see improvement in myself and my reactions to her behaviors. I see the pattern now, and try not to let her draw me in like she used to. I used to spend all this energy trying to show her I’m not the things she says, or justify myself etc. and now I just don’t. Mostly.

I could have written this!

You did great at handling things this year. I can’t believe how similar it was to last time!

[ktgrok]

8 hours ago, Storygirl said:

I wonder if you could shorten the next visit. Just eat and leave. Why stay for a movie that no one wants to watch? You could tell her ahead of time that you are not planning to stay after dinner is over. I'm sure she would not like it, but maybe it would eliminate many of the irritating interactions.

Maybe arrange to have a “neighbor “ call because there is a problem at your house and so you all have to leave? - sprinkler broken and won’t stop? Oh!? They sell those leak alert things that people put by their washing machine and such-could rig one next to some melting ice and get an alert and have to leave? 

[saraha]

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I could have written this!

You did great at handling things this year. I can’t believe how similar it was to last time!

I know, right? I guess because I give her so little to work with now she has to go to fighting about a lamp that will always be there, a toy guitar that is I guess going to always be there 😆 and ice cream. 🤷🏼‍♀️ And this visit, we all acquiesced to the movie so she didn’t know what else to complain about. We’ll, the girls clothes, she turned her attention this time to their clothing choices. 

Edited April 10, 2023 by saraha

[saraha]

Last night I settled into bed and got a lot of satisfaction of knowing I am not obligated to visit again until next thanksgiving, and I get to choose if/when we see each other again

[saraha]

10 hours ago, Storygirl said:

I wonder if you could shorten the next visit. Just eat and leave. Why stay for a movie that no one wants to watch? You could tell her ahead of time that you are not planning to stay after dinner is over. I'm sure she would not like it, but maybe it would eliminate many of the irritating interactions.

 

10 hours ago, Corraleno said:

It would be a fun experiment to see how quickly she puts away the leftover food if she knows everyone is leaving as soon as dinner is over — plus watching her try to control the competing urges to put everything away vs prolonging the meal to keep everyone from leaving would be way more entertaining than a Hallmark movie!

Yes!!! I’m going to try this the next time my sister is not at a holiday!

[Indigo Blue]

I mean, consider it a great improvement that you didn’t find yourself retreating to the bathroom while giving live commentary to the board for support! At least, I don’t think you did. 😁

[saraha]

Not until the boring movie😆

[Indigo Blue]

I thought maybe you were discretely doing  all that during the movie. 😁
 

You know, in the living room….

Edited April 10, 2023 by Indigo Blue

[saraha]

I was, that’s why she made comments about dd18 and I both being on our phones 🤪 I was updating the board and dd18 was texting a friend. We were being very quiet, but I guess that wasn’t enough. Apparently we have to not only sit quietly, but we have to actually WATCH THE MOVIE 😆

[saraha]

On 4/9/2023 at 7:22 PM, saraha said:

Yeah, it was going to well I think, so she had to ruin it. She always does that, if we have a good visit, she will call the next day or whatever and blow it up.

I’ve been thinking about this and something @Corralenosaid on the other thread. What I would call a good visit, no drama, not much conflict, tempers staying cool, maybe doesn’t look like a good visit to her. Maybe, from her perspective, it wasn’t a good visit because she had no way to “best” me. We still didn’t take the guitar or ice cream. The girls didn’t change their clothing choices or turn on the lamp. Dh didnt use the throw pillows she gave him. Maybe those all felt like losses to her, thus not being an enjoyable visit for her. 
Like maybe the day wasn’t too nice so she had to blow it up, maybe the day didn’t feel nice to her so she had to call me and win at something to redeem it.

hmmm 🤔

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, saraha said:

Like maybe the day wasn’t too nice so she had to blow it up, maybe the day didn’t feel nice to her so she had to call me and win at something to redeem it.

hmmm 🤔

That makes a lot of sense, unfortunately.  Like she was frustrated that she didn't get under your skin and couldn't end the day without that happening.

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, saraha said:

I’ve been thinking about this and something @Corralenosaid on the other thread. What I would call a good visit, no drama, not much conflict, tempers staying cool, maybe doesn’t look like a good visit to her. Maybe, from her perspective, it wasn’t a good visit because she had no way to “best” me. We still didn’t take the guitar or ice cream. The girls didn’t change their clothing choices or turn on the lamp. Dh didnt use the throw pillows she gave him. Maybe those all felt like losses to her, thus not being an enjoyable visit for her. 
Like maybe the day wasn’t too nice so she had to blow it up, maybe the day didn’t feel nice to her so she had to call me and win at something to redeem it.

hmmm 🤔

There's a similar dynamic with my parent. If they can't win or hijack the day in some way, they will ruin the event for others.