destination weddings - vent

[Frances]

24 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

That and the notion that your attire/attendance expenses for a wedding (but especially a local one) are the host's issue/problem. They're not. That's strictly a personal issue/complaint that you can alleviate by not attending. If one is close enough to the B&G to share their *actual* burdens, do that. Most B&Gs will understand and try to assist those they want to be there. That wasn't the case here. Presumably the B&G know what kinds of expenses are burdensome for their guests and took that into account. I literally spend more to attend DS's regional HS band events.

I’m guessing the would also apply to same sex weddings, so two brides or two grooms.

Sometimes I’m not sure those getting married can necessarily take travel expenses for guests into account if the closest family members and friends are spread across a wide geographical area. Then there really is no convenient location for most of the people, virtually everyone will have to incur travel expenses. This was definitely the case for several weddings I attended or my husband or I participated in the few years right after college. Especially the ones we were part of were a real sacrifice, both financially and in terms of missed school or work. But our friends weren’t really in any position to help with the costs and we likely wouldn’t have asked anyway. As our friend groups only overlapped minimally, the worst ones were weddings we were in two weeks apart where we had to fly back twice in one month, rather than staying for a week. This happened twice to us.

[Sneezyone]

12 minutes ago, Frances said:

I’m guessing the would also apply to same sex weddings, so two brides or two grooms.

Sometimes I’m not sure those getting married can necessarily take travel expenses for guests into account if the closest family members and friends are spread across a wide geographical area. Then there really is no convenient location for most of the people, virtually everyone will have to incur travel expenses. This was definitely the case for several weddings I attended or my husband or I participated in the few years right after college. Especially the ones we were part of were a real sacrifice, both financially and in terms of missed school or work. But our friends weren’t really in any position to help with the costs and we likely wouldn’t have asked anyway. As our friend groups only overlapped minimally, the worst ones were weddings we were in two weeks apart where we had to fly back twice in one month, rather than staying for a week. This happened twice to us.

Why would the gender of the marital parties matter at all? If the participants are inviting their families (in this case a B&G) they presumably are inviting those they know/want to attend and know enough about the fiscal stressors on their respective families to say what's too much. If you can't afford to go, you send your regrets and don't go! I wasn't at *any* of my college friends' weddings for similar reasons and we're all good to this day. We all understood. This is such a non-issue.

ETA: I have an aunt who lives in the same 2hr radius as the OP and called my HUSBAND up out of the blue asking for money she'd ostensibly given as a 'donation to the cause' to move my sib in an emergency...five months later. This woman has no kids at home, is gainfully employed, sold a million+ home on Queen Anne to move to horse property in Issaquah, knows we're about to send oldest to college and had been supporting the emergency family member (without *any* assistance for months) and still wanted her measly $600. I told DH to send it. I haven't spoken to ANY of them since. I do mean ANY. Trifling is trifling.

The original post read as EXTREMELY self-centered.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Sneezyone

[Frances]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

That's not why people are upset.  Other people can use whatever criteria they wish to determine how much to spend.
It's when those people start telling everyone else to use that criteria to determine how much other people "must" spend.

I’m one of the people that still finds the whole concept very strange, except in cases where it is the culture where everyone does this, knows the recommended amount, and the same will be done when your child marries. I’ve heard of this in some Indian and Asian cultures and one poster said it was her culture.
 

But no one in this thread who espoused the idea of “covering your plate” said anyone else had to do it. They merely explained their gift giving guide and maybe recommended you not give a cheap gift, as you were asking for feedback. 
 

Personally, I think it’s fine for people to take into account their costs in attending a wedding when deciding on the level of gift giving. It makes perfect sense to me and seems quite reasonable. If anyone thinks a gift is cheap or not enough, especially the recipient, then that’s on them, not the giver. I would hope that most couples would just be happy to have guests present to share in their big day and celebrate with them.

At least where I live, the trend is definitely towards asking for no gifts please, as at my son’s wedding. As the age of first marriage and rate of cohabitation before marriage have both increased, many couples are already fairly well established by the time they get married.

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

In your family culture - does that mean what you give other family members?  or what everyone in your family gives to whatever wedding of anyone you attend?

Whatever wedding we'd be in attendance of and just for getting an invitation to a close relative's wedding. 

Yes there are plenty of people who "milk" the system. Yes my mom had a season of a few years where it's clear they were just inviting her and her friends for the money. As she did to people when she herself got married. I reminded her of that and I said go and have fun if you want or don't go and don't pay, because the reason you think they are only inviting you for your money is because you don't actually care about them. So why would you care what they think. 

The internet is only going to report on the outliers. Go ahead and be mad when someone invites you to a wedding and then asks you to leave the party when you haven't forked over enough money. Most people fancy weddings or not just want to throw a fun party. Some people need to milk the system to get their start and their party. I choose to let them take that risk and based upon how much I like them, think I'll enjoy their party, and my budget offer my gift. 

[Frances]

10 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Why would the gender of the marital parties matter at all? If the participants are inviting their families (in this case a B&G) they presumably are inviting those they know/want to attend and know enough about the fiscal stressors on their respective families to say what's too much. If you can't afford to go, you send your regrets and don't go! I wasn't at *any* of my college friends' weddings for similar reasons and we're all good to this day. We all understood. This is such a non-issue.

ETA: I have an aunt who lives in the same 2hr radius as the OP and called my HUSBAND up out of the blue asking for money she'd ostensibly given as a 'donation to the cause' to move my sib in an emergency...five months later. This woman has no kids at home, is gainfully employed, sold a million+ home on Queen Anne to move to horse property in Issaquah, knows we're about to send oldest to college and had been supporting the emergency family member (without *any* assistance for months) and still wanted her measly $600. I told DH to send it. I haven't spoken to ANY of them since. I do mean ANY. Trifling is trifling.

The original post read as EXTREMELY self-centered.

The gender wouldn’t matter at all. You just wrote about B&G and I was merely pointing out that in general there could be two brides or two grooms. Unless I missed it, all we know in the current situation is the the bride is the poster’s niece. I didn’t see anything about a groom or another bride. 

I do think there are plenty of couples out there who don’t necessarily take into account the financial situation of guest’s attendance. Otherwise there wouldn’t literally be books, movies, TV shows, etc about bridezillas and such. I’m not saying that’s the case here, as it sounds like the poster can afford to attend.

While I don’t disagree the original post was somewhat self-centered, I can relate to a certain degree. Only attending weddings you actually want to go to is not necessarily always an option. For example, I will do it if it is important to my husband and he may be doing only because it is important to his mom. And when the costs are significant because of the structure and location of the wedding, it’s hard not to think about what you would rather have done with that money and the vacation time. In the case of an upcoming wedding that fits this description, we’re trying to make the best of it by turning it into a fun extended vacation doing other things on our own and visiting nearby friends and family. And we found our own place to stay. It’s no cheaper, but far nicer. We’ll have a whole house for the price of a room.

[Sneezyone]

14 minutes ago, Frances said:

The gender wouldn’t matter at all. You just wrote about B&G and I was merely pointing out that in general there could be two brides or two grooms. Unless I missed it, all we know in the current situation is the the bride is the poster’s niece. I didn’t see anything about a groom or another bride. 

I do think there are plenty of couples out there who don’t necessarily take into account the financial situation of guest’s attendance. Otherwise there wouldn’t literally be books, movies, TV shows, etc about bridezillas and such. I’m not saying that’s the case here, as it sounds like the poster can afford to attend.

While I don’t disagree the original post was somewhat self-centered, I can relate to a certain degree. Only attending weddings you actually want to go to is not necessarily always an option. For example, I will do it if it is important to my husband and he may be doing only because it is important to his mom. And when the costs are significant because of the structure and location of the wedding, it’s hard not to think about what you would rather have done with that money and the vacation time. In the case of an upcoming wedding that fits this description, we’re trying to make the best of it by turning it into a fun extended vacation doing other things on our own and visiting nearby friends and family. And we found our own place to stay. It’s no cheaper, but far nicer. We’ll have a whole house for the price of a room.

Part of my visceral reaction is b/c I know the 'quaint' venues with lodging near the OP. The original screed is totally gauche. It really doesn't matter whether or not you want to go to an event. If your means don't permit it, you say no! If your  means allow it (as here), save your bitching for your bedroom. DH and I are used to missing events like this both because of our finances in the early years and because of logistics with kids and distance as we got older and moved around. We learned the power of NO! because we had to.

I haven't had a single friend or family member kvetch over that and if they did, I'd get new ones. I don't mean that facetiously either. My found/cultivated family is miles ahead of most (not all) of my genetic relatives. I likened it to DSs band expenses because it's comparable. DH and I have zero interest in visiting New Jersey in fall but it's in the cards. When we get there, despite the unwanted expense, we will be overwhelmed with pride and joy and love for DS, the participant. Everything else falls away. It's stupid/silly to harp on anything else, especially for an *aunt* for the love of Pete.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Sneezyone

[Scarlett]

Well, everyone can do what they want and feel how they feel but I am still icked out by the entire concept of cover your plate.  I much prefer to assume I was invited to share in a big day and my gift is to celebrate the union, not  pay for the party.  
 

And how does that work anyway? Do they return my $200 gift to put the cash toward the caterer?  The whole thing makes no sense to me.

[Frances]

18 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

I likened it to DSs band expenses because it's comparable. DH and I have zero interest in visiting New Jersey in fall but it's in the cards. When we get there, despite the unwanted expense, we will be overwhelmed with pride and joy and love for DS, the participant. Everything else falls away. It's stupid/silly to harp on anything else, especially for an *aunt* for the love of Pete.

I’d love it if our NJ wedding was in the fall, as it can be great place for fall colors, visiting orchards, hiking, biking, etc. and the weather is usually great. Instead, we will be there in the middle of August. 🥵

I will say that an event for my child or a niece or nephew I was close to I would view quite differently than an event for a niece or nephew I barely know and with whose parents I don’t really have a relationship. I’m extremely close to all of the nieces and nephews on my side of the family and wouldn’t think twice about the expense, location, or timing of attending their weddings.

[Sneezyone]

2 minutes ago, Frances said:

I’d love it if our NJ wedding was in the fall, as it can be great place for fall colors, visiting orchards, hiking, biking, etc. and the weather is usually great. Instead, we will be there in the middle of August. 🥵

I will say that an event for my child or a niece or nephew I was close to I would view quite differently than an event for a niece or nephew I barely know and with whose parents I don’t really have a relationship. I’m extremely close to all of the nieces and nephews on my side of the family and wouldn’t think twice about the expense, location, or timing of attending their weddings.

I understand the feelings just not the public expression. If you're not close, you don't have to go. It's really that simple. I doubt the B&G or G&G or B&B would care if your didn't. Managing your own sibling expectations is what's really at issue and that's not on the people getting married.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Sneezyone

[Frances]

10 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

I understand the feelings just not the public expression. If you're not close, you don't have to go. It's really that simple. I doubt the B&G or G&G OR B&B would care if your didn't. managing your own sibling expectations is what's at issue and that's not on the people getting married.

It really isn’t that simple for us. It’s the only child of an only sibling and the parent (grandma) now lives in the same location. It actually would be a very, very big deal if we didn’t attend. I think they all truly believe we are a close knit family, strange as that may sound. 

Anyway, as a I’ve said, we’ve figured out a way to turn it into a fun, extended vacation. But it would be even more fun if it was in the fall!

Edited March 23, 2023 by Frances

[katilac]

3 hours ago, Garga said:

 A couple of weekends ago, my son went to a wedding and got a card for the couple. He asked me, “How much should I put in there?” and I said, “Maybe $40 or $50? That’s probably what they spent on your food.”

But, if the same exact couple canceled their venue and had a backyard BBQ, would your answer change to, "Oh, wait, that's probably only going to cost them $20 for your food, so only give that much." 

That's one of the questions I asked that nobody's answering (unless I missed it). If cover your plate is part of your thinking, and you usually spend $75 on wedding gifts bc that's the usual cost, do you downgrade it to $30 if you know it's a much simpler wedding? 

[Garga]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well, everyone can do what they want and feel how they feel but I am still icked out by the entire concept of cover your plate.  I much prefer to assume I was invited to share in a big day and my gift is to celebrate the union, not  pay for the party.  
 

And how does that work anyway? Do they return my $200 gift to put the cash toward the caterer?  The whole thing makes no sense to me.

This is so silly. I do not understand why you keep insisting that it’s the B&G who came up with this. Honestly, I thought I was being clever and original when I thought up “hey, let’s cover your food!” two weeks ago when my son asked me. It never in a million, billion, trillion years thought that the B&G expected it.

If they expect it, sure it’s icky and repulsive. But SKL and I and any others have never ever ever ever ever ever said that we thought the B&G expected it. When you keep saying this, I know that you’re focusing on this pretend B&G who are rubbing their hands together asking for money, but that’s not what I’m talking about. And you’re coming across as if you think people like me who are trying to be generous don’t actually care about the people or the event and are turning it into a transaction which is ludicrously far from the truth. 

I 100% assumed that my son was invited to the wedding because his friends like him. They know he as $0 income, so they certainly didn’t invite him for his money. 

5 hours ago, katilac said:

But, if the same exact couple canceled their venue and had a backyard BBQ, would your answer change to, "Oh, wait, that's probably only going to cost them $20 for your food, so only give that much." 

That's one of the questions I asked that nobody's answering (unless I missed it). If cover your plate is part of your thinking, and you usually spend $75 on wedding gifts bc that's the usual cost, do you downgrade it to $30 if you know it's a much simpler wedding? 

Ok—full disclosure.

I got a job 2 years ago. Until then I couldn’t afford squat. I used to want to be generous, but I just couldn’t be. I couldn’t treat friends out to lunch. I couldn’t get anyone nice presents, etc, etc, etc. I mean, yes, it was really nice of me to write out the recipes, but even if it’d want to help anyone with money, I couldn’t. My hands were tied.

And then I got a job and I believe they’re overpaying me. For the first time in my life, I can say, “I’ve got this!” if I go out to lunch. I totally spoiled my kids at Christmas for the first time ever. I can give and give and give.

And it’s been heady and I’ve loved it and I’ve been treating everyone to everything.

So when my son said, “How much should I put in the card?” in the past I would have said, “Um, nothing. Come up with a small gift idea instead. A couple of new dishtowels.”

But this time, I knew that he (it was me actually—he has $0 money) wanted to put money in the card, I felt a heady rush of generosity (in my mind) and thought, “This time we can actually bless the couple! Finally!!!! I know weddings are expensive, so we can give them MORE than give us! For the first time in all the weddings I’ve been to, I can give MORE! YAY!”

And so I told him that they probably spent $30-$40 on his food, so give them $40 to $50 so that he would be able to bless them even more than they blessed us.

 

And beyond that, I haven’t thought about it. So, I only thought about it this one time 2 weeks ago for this one wedding in all my life. And until 2 years ago when I got the job, it always would have been the dishtowels, or anything under $25. This is new territory for me. I have no idea how it will play out in the future. 

I have a nephew who got engaged,and I love him dearly, so I will finally be able to spoil him, so I’ll give more because now I can (won’t he be surprised! He used to come stay with me for a week during his summer and winter school breaks when he was little and ask me to buy him things and I had to tell him no So Many Times and he was always confused that I couldn’t afford to buy him things when the rest of the family did.) I don’t know my son’s friends (never actually talked to them in person), and so that’s why I suggested that I’d give my son enough money for the food. I actually thought it would be weird and awkward if he gave more than that, being that everyone knows he’s a dirt poor college student. 

 

Edited March 23, 2023 by Garga

[marbel]

Why do people think anyone's upset or that anyone is being flamed? It's just a conversation with differing points of view. 

[Garga]

9 minutes ago, marbel said:

Why do people think anyone's upset or that anyone is being flamed? It's just a conversation with differing points of view. 

It was Scarlett’s wording, when she said “repulsive” and another person agreed that that was the word: repulsive.

It probably isn’t logical, but that cut me personally. I’m doing my best to tell myself she thinks that it’s replusive for the B&G to expect that, but it feels like she’s also repulsed by me as well,  that I’m going along with such an “icky” thing (another word she used just a few posts up.)

It doesn’t feel good to be thought of as replusive and icky when I’m trying to be generous and loving to a new couple. 

But, I’m 50 years old so I’m not letting someone’s opinion of me on the internet get to me too much, as you’re pointing out. It’s just opinions and discourse.And feelings are fleeting, so I’ll let these go.  I’m starting work for the day now and within 30 minutes, I’ll have forgotten all this. 

Edited March 23, 2023 by Garga

[Drama Llama]

The last wedding I attended was supposed to be (darn pandemic!) a morning  church wedding followed by homemade brunch at the groom’s father’s house.  Brunch food is cheap, no alcohol, no venue costs.  The young couple was prioritizing saving for a house.  

The next wedding I expect in the family is my niece.  I imagine a country club reception with an open bar of premium liquor, a top quality caterer, and a cake that’s worth more than my car.  I also imagine that at toast time someone will put a glass of champagne in my hand that costs more than my entire “plate” at the other wedding, and that the cost for me will be 10x the cost at the other.  Which is fine, they can afford it!

But am I really supposed to give 10 times as much?  Because they chose a certain style?

 

 

[Scarlett]

38 minutes ago, Garga said:

It was Scarlett’s wording, when she said “repulsive” and another person agreed that that was the word: repulsive.

It probably isn’t logical, but that cut me personally. I’m doing my best to tell myself she thinks that it’s replusive for the B&G to expect that, but it feels like she’s also repulsed by me as well,  that I’m going along with such an “icky” thing (another word she used just a few posts up.)

It doesn’t feel good to be thought of as replusive and icky when I’m trying to be generous and loving to a new couple. 

But, I’m 50 years old so I’m not letting someone’s opinion of me on the internet get to me too much, as you’re pointing out. It’s just opinions and discourse.And feelings are fleeting, so I’ll let these go.  I’m starting work for the day now and within 30 minutes, I’ll have forgotten all this. 

Oh my. 😞. I do not think badly of you at all.  At all.

And yes earlier I said I find it repulsive to think a B&G were expecting a cover your plate.  Even if it is NOT the B&G’s thinking I still find the entire concept —-.the CONCEPT—- unsettling at best.  And I think it is a terrible concept to perpetuate. 
 

Congrats on your job and I am very happy you can spend more on gifts than before because I can tell you are a generous person and it makes you feel joy.  

44 minutes ago, marbel said:

Why do people think anyone's upset or that anyone is being flamed? It's just a conversation with differing points of view. 

Exactly!

[freesia]

From my perspective, some of the “cover the plate” push back comes from seeing kind gestures like that seep their way into what is expected. Tip jars at Starbucks nearby where the staff is paid at least $15 an hour. It is certainly kind and generous to tip, but many of us feel guilted into giving more than we can bc now tipping—and tipping at higher and higher percentages bc it’s so kind—becomes the norm—and, yes, expected. I can say with certainty that I have talked to American born brides from HCOL places where that is their expectation. When my cousins were getting married in Chicago, the cost of air flight, transport and hotel was really a huge financial stress. I gave a gift, but these threads always make me feel chintzy. In no way did it cover my plate—but honestly, I spent $600 on just being there. That’s a lot of money. Of course I love my cousins. Of course you can give whatever you want but “rules of thumb” do become imbedded in culture and, whatever your personal opinions or attitudes are about those who don’t follow them, there is a certain amount of judging that ends up happening. This isn’t directed at anyone in particular on this thread really—more just a reminder that it’s disingenuous to say “it’s just what I do to be generous” and discount that these things do become expectations. 

Edited March 23, 2023 by freesia

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, freesia said:

From my perspective, some of the “cover the plate push back comes from seeing kind gestures like that deep their way into what is expected. Tip jars at Starbucks nearby where the staff is paid at least $15 an hour. It is certainly kind and generous to tip, but many of us feel guilted into giving more than we can bc now tipping—and tipping at higher and higher percentages bc it’s so kind—becomes the norm—and, yes, expected. I can say with certainty that I have talked to American born brides from HCOL places where that is their expectation. When my cousins were getting married in Chicago, the cost of air flight, transport and hotel was really a huge financial stress. I gave a gift, but these threads always make me feel chintzy. In no way did it cover my plate—but honestly, I spent $600 on just being there. That’s a lot of money. Of course I love my cousins. Of course you can give whatever you want but “rules of thumb” do become imbedded in culture and, whatever your personal opinions or attitudes are about those who don’t follow them, there is a certain amount of judging that ends up happening. This isn’t directed at anyone in particular on this thread really—more just a reminder that it’s disingenuous to say “it’s just what I do to be generous” and discount that these things do become expectations. 

We were texting over and ITA.  You said it much better than I did.  

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, BandH said:

The last wedding I attended was supposed to be (darn pandemic!) a morning  church wedding followed by homemade brunch at the groom’s father’s house.  Brunch food is cheap, no alcohol, no venue costs.  The young couple was prioritizing saving for a house.  

The next wedding I expect in the family is my niece.  I imagine a country club reception with an open bar of premium liquor, a top quality caterer, and a cake that’s worth more than my car.  I also imagine that at toast time someone will put a glass of champagne in my hand that costs more than my entire “plate” at the other wedding, and that the cost for me will be 10x the cost at the other.  Which is fine, they can afford it!

But am I really supposed to give 10 times as much?  Because they chose a certain style?

 

 

I agree!

Edited March 23, 2023 by Faith-manor

[SKL]

8 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well, everyone can do what they want and feel how they feel but I am still icked out by the entire concept of cover your plate.  I much prefer to assume I was invited to share in a big day and my gift is to celebrate the union, not  pay for the party.  
 

And how does that work anyway? Do they return my $200 gift to put the cash toward the caterer?  The whole thing makes no sense to me.

You really seem borderline obsessed with proving your unfriendly point.

I said many posts back that it's fine that this is a cultural difference.  Compared to so many other differences that you probably accept, this is really getting in your craw for no good reason.

Are you waiting for me to apologize for how I live my life?

Edited March 23, 2023 by SKL

[Spryte]

This thread makes me happy and grateful that DS and DIL eloped.

(Where’s that running away emoji?)

FWIW, I’m on Team Attend and give generously if you want to, if it’s not a hardship, and just enjoy the experience. Or attend and give what feels appropriate (and affordable) to you. If it helps to have a guideline for how to plan spending on gifts — great, whatever works for you. 

I’m never on Team Complain about attending or the cost of attending or gift giving. If it’s complain-worthy, just don’t go. Send regrets and a card or a gift.

 

[SKL]

3 hours ago, Garga said:

This is so silly. I do not understand why you keep insisting that it’s the B&G who came up with this. Honestly, I thought I was being clever and original when I thought up “hey, let’s cover your food!” two weeks ago when my son asked me. It never in a million, billion, trillion years thought that the B&G expected it.

If they expect it, sure it’s icky and repulsive. But SKL and I and any others have never ever ever ever ever ever said that we thought the B&G expected it. When you keep saying this, I know that you’re focusing on this pretend B&G who are rubbing their hands together asking for money, but that’s not what I’m talking about. And you’re coming across as if you think people like me who are trying to be generous don’t actually care about the people or the event and are turning it into a transaction which is ludicrously far from the truth. 

I 100% assumed that my son was invited to the wedding because his friends like him. They know he as $0 income, so they certainly didn’t invite him for his money. 

Ok—full disclosure.

I got a job 2 years ago. Until then I couldn’t afford squat. I used to want to be generous, but I just couldn’t be. I couldn’t treat friends out to lunch. I couldn’t get anyone nice presents, etc, etc, etc. I mean, yes, it was really nice of me to write out the recipes, but even if it’d want to help anyone with money, I couldn’t. My hands were tied.

And then I got a job and I believe they’re overpaying me. For the first time in my life, I can say, “I’ve got this!” if I go out to lunch. I totally spoiled my kids at Christmas for the first time ever. I can give and give and give.

And it’s been heady and I’ve loved it and I’ve been treating everyone to everything.

So when my son said, “How much should I put in the card?” in the past I would have said, “Um, nothing. Come up with a small gift idea instead. A couple of new dishtowels.”

But this time, I knew that he (it was me actually—he has $0 money) wanted to put money in the card, I felt a heady rush of generosity (in my mind) and thought, “This time we can actually bless the couple! Finally!!!! I know weddings are expensive, so we can give them MORE than give us! For the first time in all the weddings I’ve been to, I can give MORE! YAY!”

And so I told him that they probably spent $30-$40 on his food, so give them $40 to $50 so that he would be able to bless them even more than they blessed us.

 

And beyond that, I haven’t thought about it. So, I only thought about it this one time 2 weeks ago for this one wedding in all my life. And until 2 years ago when I got the job, it always would have been the dishtowels, or anything under $25. This is new territory for me. I have no idea how it will play out in the future. 

I have a nephew who got engaged,and I love him dearly, so I will finally be able to spoil him, so I’ll give more because now I can (won’t he be surprised! He used to come stay with me for a week during his summer and winter school breaks when he was little and ask me to buy him things and I had to tell him no So Many Times and he was always confused that I couldn’t afford to buy him things when the rest of the family did.) I don’t know my son’s friends (never actually talked to them in person), and so that’s why I suggested that I’d give my son enough money for the food. I actually thought it would be weird and awkward if he gave more than that, being that everyone knows he’s a dirt poor college student. 

 

Yeah, I hear you.  For my two older brothers, I don't remember if I gave money at all, but I did some work at their weddings.  (They asked me to bartend, which was a hoot since I am a teetotaler and have no idea about those things.  I also did other things.  I also used to babysit for my brother's stepkids for free all the time and so on.  It was what a broke student could do.)

When my sister, 13 years my junior, got married, I went with her to do her registry; I bought things off her registry for both the shower and the wedding; I paid for her and all her bridesmaids to have an entire day at her favorite spa (hair, facial, nails, massage, ...) [ETA totally my idea, not my sister being entitled].  I was also in the wedding somehow or other, I don't remember what my title-for-the-day was.  I don't remember whether or not I also gave some money.  My sister and her husband paid everything for their wedding and it was neither cheap nor extravagant.  She bought her dress used, bought a broken tiara that my dad soldered together, and I don't know what else.  My brother was the DJ.

I've sent regrets + a congratulatory card + cash to many weddings that were impractical for me to attend.  It used to be pretty normal to do that - is it not still acceptable?  Actually the only weddings I've traveled to (beyond a same-day car drive) were two Indian weddings in actual India.  Very expensive to get there, but no I didn't scrimp on the gift.  I asked close people in the same culture what was an appropriate gift, because how would I know?  Of course I've had to send regrets to many other foreign weddings.

Edited March 23, 2023 by SKL

[SKL]

7 hours ago, katilac said:

But, if the same exact couple canceled their venue and had a backyard BBQ, would your answer change to, "Oh, wait, that's probably only going to cost them $20 for your food, so only give that much." 

That's one of the questions I asked that nobody's answering (unless I missed it). If cover your plate is part of your thinking, and you usually spend $75 on wedding gifts bc that's the usual cost, do you downgrade it to $30 if you know it's a much simpler wedding? 

The concept (dare I say it again) is to at least cover your plate plus a little more (assuming your budget allows and assuming the couple is throwing a more or less standard wedding).

It's not that formal though.  One considers the general average price of a general standard wedding as a starting point.  It's none of my business whether they spent more or less ... though someone may well have told me.  Like when my secretary, who blabbed all day long, invited me to her shower & wedding and also, in another conversation, blabbed that the cost was $__ per plate.  She was not a close person, but I felt I should attend since it would bless her more than it would pain me.  Did I consider the cost per plate in deciding my gift?  Yes I did.  Again, flame me to hell if it makes you feel good.

Edited March 23, 2023 by SKL

[Spryte]

6 minutes ago, SKL said:

The concept (dare I say it again) is to at least cover your plate plus a little more (assuming your budget allows and assuming the couple is throwing a more or less standard wedding).

It's not that formal though.  One considers the general average price of a general standard wedding as a starting point.  It's none of my business whether they spent more or less ... though someone may well have told me.  Like when my secretary, who blabbed all day long, invited me to her shower & wedding and also, in another conversation, blabbed that the cost was $__ per plate.  She was not a close person, but I felt I should attend since it would bless her more than it would pain me.  Did I consider the cost per plate in deciding my gift?  Yes I did.  Again, flame me to hell if it makes you feel good.

Quoting just to say that the bolded is such a sweet way to look at attending. What a nice perspective.

Going to remember that. 

[Scarlett]

38 minutes ago, SKL said:

You really seem borderline obsessed with proving your unfriendly point.

I said many posts back that it's fine that this is a cultural difference.  Compared to so many other differences that you probably accept, this is really getting in your craw for no good reason.

Are you waiting for me to apologize for how I live my life?

Ouch. 

[Drama Llama]

Here is where I land.  

I generally believe that healthy relationships should be reciprocal.  I believe that, to whatever extent possible, everyone should both give and receive.  It doesn't have to be tit for tat, score doesn't have to be kept, we each give according to our abilities and resources.  That doesn't mean that there aren't times when one family's situation doesn't mean that they are getting more than they are able to give, but the spirit should be that I am generous to the people who are generous to me, and that participating in communities means both that I have a responsibility to be helpful to others, and that I can reach out to others when I need help. 

I think that inviting someone to a wedding is a sign that you're in a community with them, and if you're willing to do the "getting" part of celebrating, you should do the "giving" part of celebrating, which is usually bringing a gift, but might also be tending bar at the reception, or helping prepare food, or whatever.  So, in that sense, I think that people going to a wedding should plan on a gift, whether that's a thing, or cash, or a service.  Because if you aren't in community with someone, going to their wedding is just taking advantage of them for free food and alcohol, and that's obnoxious, and if you are, then your celebration of them should include both giving and getting. 

I'll also say that the amount and type of our generosity should depend on the degree of closeness, and also on the season of our life that we're in. All of us have been through periods when we are able to give more generously than at other times, or when we're able to give in some ways and not others.   And we all have periods of time when we will need more.  I've been through times when I received a huge amount, and was able to give very little because I was drowning in my own life, and the people who I am in community with (whether that's family, or neighborhood, or church, or school, or friendship group) all understood that.  

So, the idea that you should give a gift, or make some other contribution, if you're going to a wedding, unless circumstances prevent it, makes sense to me.  It's just this sense of price matching.  But then I'm also in a family, and school community, and area, where there are enormous wealth differences.  The idea that someone who earns less should be excluded from community because they can't cover their plate seems really problematic.  I know that's not what @SKL meant, but I do think that that's where this kind of thinking leads some people.  

[WildflowerMom]

I hope my kid elopes.    That’s my take.  I’m team elopement.  

[gardenmom5]

 

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well, everyone can do what they want and feel how they feel but I am still icked out by the entire concept of cover your plate.  I much prefer to assume I was invited to share in a big day and my gift is to celebrate the union, not  pay for the party.  
 

And how does that work anyway? Do they return my $200 gift to put the cash toward the caterer?  The whole thing makes no sense to me.

That's what registries are for.  Some people are very practical in just trying to make suggestions for those who need suggestions - and others take them way too seriously as though they are "owed" what is on the registry.
I've known people who had items at all price points (incidentally - in person they came off as the happiest to just have people share the day with them) - and people who only had things that were all $100 and up. 

4 hours ago, Garga said:

This is so silly. I do not understand why you keep insisting that it’s the B&G who came up with this. Honestly, I thought I was being clever and original when I thought up “hey, let’s cover your food!” two weeks ago when my son asked me. It never in a million, billion, trillion years thought that the B&G expected it.

 

 

I hate to disillusion you - wedding planners/etc. put this idea out there at every opportunity.

4 hours ago, BandH said:

The last wedding I attended was supposed to be (darn pandemic!) a morning  church wedding followed by homemade brunch at the groom’s father’s house.  Brunch food is cheap, no alcohol, no venue costs.  The young couple was prioritizing saving for a house.  

The next wedding I expect in the family is my niece.  I imagine a country club reception with an open bar of premium liquor, a top quality caterer, and a cake that’s worth more than my car.  I also imagine that at toast time someone will put a glass of champagne in my hand that costs more than my entire “plate” at the other wedding, and that the cost for me will be 10x the cost at the other.  Which is fine, they can afford it!

But am I really supposed to give 10 times as much?  Because they chose a certain style?

 

 

Dd was really disappointed her college-roommate/friend had to cancel, and then majorly change her wedding plans due to covid.  She's swiss - so dd was really looking forward to going to Switzerland. . . 

yeah - i have always based how much I give on the relationship (and discretionary income), not the venue.   

3 hours ago, freesia said:

From my perspective, some of the “cover the plate” push back comes from seeing kind gestures like that seep their way into what is expected. Tip jars at Starbucks nearby where the staff is paid at least $15 an hour. It is certainly kind and generous to tip, but many of us feel guilted into giving more than we can bc now tipping—and tipping at higher and higher percentages bc it’s so kind—becomes the norm—and, yes, expected. I can say with certainty that I have talked to American born brides from HCOL places where that is their expectation. When my cousins were getting married in Chicago, the cost of air flight, transport and hotel was really a huge financial stress. I gave a gift, but these threads always make me feel chintzy. In no way did it cover my plate—but honestly, I spent $600 on just being there. That’s a lot of money. Of course I love my cousins. Of course you can give whatever you want but “rules of thumb” do become imbedded in culture and, whatever your personal opinions or attitudes are about those who don’t follow them, there is a certain amount of judging that ends up happening. This isn’t directed at anyone in particular on this thread really—more just a reminder that it’s disingenuous to say “it’s just what I do to be generous” and discount that these things do become expectations. 

This

and now - at more and more fast food restaurants, the card reader will pop up with a "how much do you want to tip?" I walked past one ff joint a couple days ago - they had signs out they were hiring *starting at* $17 an hour.

[KSera]

On 3/21/2023 at 1:13 PM, Shoeless said:

My home cost $150K. We are NOT in the same tax bracket at all! I cannot afford to "cover the plate" at the weddings of millionaires.

This is how I am thinking. If someone has the money to be able to afford a super expensive wedding, seems like that’s their choice and I wouldn’t have considered it was my responsibility to cover the cost of the choice they made.  More than that it’s the idea that someone who has the money to afford a really expensive wedding would in this way of thinking get a nicer gift than someone who can’t afford that. It seems like the ones who can’t afford that are the ones that should receive the more generous gift.  I’m certainly likely to spend more on the gift of a young couple starting out with few resources who really needs things than an established couple with good careers who were able to fund a $50,000 wedding.  Not that I would be stingy with the latter couple, but it’s the couple who could only afford a simple wedding that I am likely to go out of my way to actually be extra generous with.  So that’s why the cover your plate thing seems backwards to me.

 

21 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I walked past one ff joint a couple days ago - they had signs out they were hiring *starting at* $17 an hour.

Usually those “starting at” jobs means that’s what they’re going to pay—the starting price. They just word it that way to make it sound better. My kids have never been offered more than what was listed as the bottom of the pay range. I know you live in a high COL part of the country too, so even $17 an hour seems like it would put an independent adult (which many fast food restaurant employees are) in just scraping by territory. Crazy, but seems like that’s how it is. 

[Clarita]

I hope my kids don't elope and have a beautiful fun wedding where they get to feel extra extra special and fancy for a day.

11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

And how does that work anyway? Do they return my $200 gift to put the cash toward the caterer?  The whole thing makes no sense to me.

I generally give cash because I think that's most helpful. When I have bought gifts from the registry I don't care if they returned it for the money.

 

9 hours ago, katilac said:

That's one of the questions I asked that nobody's answering (unless I missed it). If cover your plate is part of your thinking, and you usually spend $75 on wedding gifts bc that's the usual cost, do you downgrade it to $30 if you know it's a much simpler wedding? 

No I gift about the same amount. If $75 is the usual cost then I would gift $100 to the simpler wedding just as I would the elaborate wedding. The things that would change my gifting is my financial situation, how close I am to the person (plus their overall "need"), and whether this is their first wedding (you are getting a lump sum if you've invited me to multiple parties, if this your 3rd or 4th marriage I assume you aren't starting out).     

[Faith-manor]

4 hours ago, Spryte said:

This thread makes me happy and grateful that DS and DIL eloped.

(Where’s that running away emoji?)

 

 

🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

[Starr]

This thread has gone crazy. If you are loved enough to be invited to a wedding I doubt many brides and grooms are going to care how much you spend on a present. Still there are general cultural norms that vary in different communities, and families. It's the same with graduation, birthday and anniversary presents and what mile stones are celebrated. Some are bigger deals in one group than another. I find it interesting how we all do things differently. 

[teachermom2834]

20 minutes ago, Starr said:

This thread has gone crazy. 

We need an emoji or reaction that means “this thread has gone crazy.”

It does happen around here! I hate when I’m part of it. I’m always like “wait…I didn’t mean all this…I just made one little comment and BOOM…the thread went crazy.” 
 

And once it’s gone it’s just gone. 
 

I love weddings. Wear what you want! Gift what you want! Smile or stay home! 

[Arcadia]

For my paternal side, my dad’s generation would be offended if I didn’t show up at a wedding unless I officially work long hours like my husband (7am to 9pm) or did shift work like my mom (nursing). For my maternal side, only one cousin had a wedding dinner and it was held during school holidays so that was easy. My maternal side don’t take offense anyway but they love boisterous weddings so the more guests who can attend the better. For my husband’s family of origin, only my in-laws would get offended because not attending to them is a snub.

As for wedding gifts, we give cash in red envelopes 🧧 so the amount depends on how close the relative is, how much we can afford, and also what is the minimum amount to “cover the plate” at a typical wedding dinner. It used to be $50 per person to “cover the plate” when I was in school, $80 per person when I was doing postgraduate and now its $100 per person. DH’s cousin had a grand wedding and we still give what we typically give for his cousins. 
 

There are people of my ethnicity that treat wedding dinners as money grabbers. They invite acquaintances and colleagues to their kids’ wedding knowing that these people likely won’t attend and so they get cash gifts (typically $10 each per invite). 
 

I was once “invited” to my neighbor’s daughter wedding because she need me to babysit her grandson. My parents were invited as well so it wasn’t so obvious that I won’t be invited if her grandson only trust me (outside of his family).