What should I tell my sister? (Brief update at the end.)

[Not_a_Number]

As some of you know from my other post, DH and I are living apart right now. This is the second time in about a year. We're trying to figure things out, but things are obviously complicated. 

Last time we were having trouble, I told my 21-year-old sister right away (it felt dishonest to keep it from her), and it really freaked her out. She kind of thinks of our family as her main family (my mom is really difficult and is divorced from my sister's bully of a father, and the divorce took 5 years -- enough said), and she just could NOT deal. 

We tried to talk to her together about how we were doing when she visited us this summer, and that did not go well. She just totally shut down and couldn't hear anything at all. (I was hoping that telling her that we were tackling things proactively would comfort her, but it really didn't.) 

Since then, she's been carefully not asking any questions.

I'm a bit stumped about what to tell her. She doesn't live nearby, so she won't find out by herself. And, as I said, she obviously doesn't want to know. But on the other hand, I don't exactly want to be lying to her, either . . .  

Edited June 6, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[HomeAgain]

I don't know if I would say more than would come up in casual conversation, but I'm a private person in general.  Just a "we're working on our relationship" should suffice unless she asked specific questions, and even then I wouldn't give anything finite.  Being vague protects everyone: her relationships with you and dh separately and together, you and dh's relationship with each other and its changing needs, and your relationship with yourself so that you don't feel boxed in to a situation when in reality, things change rapidly both in thought and action.

She does not sound like your peer and you cannot use her as a sounding board to process feelings.  Therefore, the less said, the better.

[Not_a_Number]

4 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

She does not sound like your peer and you cannot use her as a sounding board to process feelings.  Therefore, the less said, the better.

She's not. I messed up last time. I tried to use her as such and I really regret it. (I don't have other family to talk to. It's not an excuse. Just the motivation for a really bad decision.) 

The thing I worry about is that we'll work things out, and she'll visit at some point and the kids will tell her that DH had lived separately for a while, and she'll feel tricked. 

I'm leaning towards telling her that things are complicated between us and that she's welcome to ask questions. And not volunteering anything else. 

But it does feel like I should say SOMETHING so that she doesn't feel like we were hiding things from her. I think. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

She's not. I messed up last time. I tried to use her as such and I really regret it. (I don't have other family to talk to. It's not an excuse. Just the motivation for a really bad decision.) 

The thing I worry about is that we'll work things out, and she'll visit at some point and the kids will tell her that DH had lived separately for a while, and she'll feel tricked. 

I'm leaning towards telling her that things are complicated between us and that she's welcome to ask questions. And not volunteering anything else. 

But it does feel like I should say SOMETHING so that she doesn't feel like we were hiding things from her. I think. 

I like this. It allows her to be in charge of how much she wants to know. 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

I like this. It allows her to be in charge of how much she wants to know. 

Thank you. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. 

[LucyStoner]

1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

She's not. I messed up last time. I tried to use her as such and I really regret it. (I don't have other family to talk to. It's not an excuse. Just the motivation for a really bad decision.) 

The thing I worry about is that we'll work things out, and she'll visit at some point and the kids will tell her that DH had lived separately for a while, and she'll feel tricked. 

I'm leaning towards telling her that things are complicated between us and that she's welcome to ask questions. And not volunteering anything else. 

But it does feel like I should say SOMETHING so that she doesn't feel like we were hiding things from her. I think. 

This seems wise.  

[freesia]

Are you sure she’ll feel tricked? There are things I find out about my brother’s family long after the fact that I don’t hear about in the moment even though SIL and I text a lot. There are things we haven’t shared with them. Part of my maturing has been realizing people— even family—get to have private things that they don’t need to share and it doesn’t have to mean you aren’t close. It can just mean they didn’t want to share for whatever reason. If I were your sister, it wouldn’t make me feel tricked at all. I might have a twinge of feeling left out to which I’d remind myself that you get to have private things. 
 

Anyway, just something to ponder since you are concerned. 

Edited February 22, 2023 by freesia

[Lecka]

To me, she has expressed not wanting to know.  I think that’s fine.  
 

If she finds out later I think it’s fine for this to have been a private situation.  
 

You are not withholding information if you choose not to share private information.  
 

It’s allowed.  
 

I think if she were going to visit and see he wasn’t there — that’s a reason to say “by the way we are living apart right now.”  
 

If not I think it’s okay to say — hey, is this a boundary I want in discussing my marriage with my sister.

 

Or that I think it’s appropriate.

 

It is okay.  
 

If there is a norm of oversharing then it will be sharing less, but that is just fine.  It’s allowed, it’s okay.  
 

It’s not keeping a secret to not bring it up.  
 

Personally though, I have found out about things later and thought “how nice I didn’t have to worry about that.”  
 

And there are things that would seem like keeping a secret to me, but this just isn’t one based on how I’m reading the description. 
 

Because the thing is too, if she has a close relationship with both of you does that mean she talks to your husband independently of you?  Do they maintain their own relationship?  Do they make their own plans?

 

Because if not he’s primarily “my sister’s husband” and she’s not in the middle of your marriage or a close party of your marriage.

 

She’s your sister and it comes across like she’s in fact not a close party of your marriage

 

If she’s actually more of a mutual friend of both of you on an adult/peer level (like a pp said) then that’s different.

 

Anyway, I don’t think there’s one right answer, but this is how I would look at it. 

[athena1277]

I think I would text her something like “I wanted to let you know that dh and I are living separately right now while we work on our relationship.  I don’t want to drag you into it, but I thought you would want to know.”

[katilac]

She doesn't talk to the kids on the phone? If she does, it will likely come out. 

[mathnerd]

It seems fine that you avoid talking about it altogether because she does not want to know the details and you don't have to volunteer this information. If it comes up later through your kids, you can give her an explanation at that time and then tell her that you did not want to involve her in it and so did not mention it specifically. In my opinion, it is OK to not share something with your close family members and it does not mean that you are no longer close if you stopped talking about these things. But, I am also a very private person who does not like the freak-outs my family tends to have on a regular basis and hence will not share things of this nature with them.

[SKL]

Sounds like one of those times when less is more.

I would work a casual comment into casual conversation so she doesn't feel like you're hiding stuff.  If you can put a humorous twist on it, that might be good.  Most likely she won't ask questions, but if she does, you could just answer her questions and leave it at that.

"We're about to go out to dinner ... well I mean the kids and I, Joe is off on his own again for a while ... the kids wanted to eat Italian but I am gonna try to talk them into Chinese ...."

"Oh did you say you guys are living apart again?"

"Yeah, still working on some things, it's for the best right now."

[KungFuPanda]

I can't imagine why she'd feel tricked if she's not kept apprised of all your marital struggles.  Nobody should feel entitled to that information.  She's not IN that marriage and she doesn't live with you.  She has no say and it's really none of her business.  Her reaction if and when she finds out is not your responsibility to manage.  If you WANT to tell her, I guess you could, but since it didn't go well last time there is no point in repeating the experiment.

[Clarita]

22 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I'm a bit stumped about what to tell her. She doesn't live nearby, so she won't find out by herself. And, as I said, she obviously doesn't want to know. But on the other hand, I don't exactly want to be lying to her, either . . .  

I would go with if she doesn't ask don't tell. If she asks like "How are you and DH doing?" or "How are you doing?" then test the waters with a short answer like "Not great." or "I'm feeling ____ lately." Then, let her ask for more information if she wants but leave her the opportunity to avoid the subject and move on to the weather or something superficial. If she asks for more information and you are apprehensive about how she'll take the news then you can say "My husband and I aren't doing great. Last time you didn't really take the news well. Do you think you are ready to hear what's going on or not? It's OK if you are not. If you are not OK with it I'm OK talking about something else."

Some people want to be people who can be there for people during their hard times, but aren't really ready for that. I've usually dealt with them by in a very gentle manner let them know that I hear that they want to care for me, but at the same time I don't think you can handle the news and if you can't manage the news I'm not in a position to help you work through my bad news.

[Not_a_Number]

What I want most of all is not to hurt her. She's a fragile kid from a traumatizing family. I feel awful that my family -- which I've offered to her as shelter from the storm, so to speak -- turned out to be a very dubious safe harbor. 

I can see her being hurt both ways. Feeling unsafe because we're still having trouble, and also feeling excluded later because we hid something from her. She's already in an uneasy place with respect to our family. She visited in the summer (a hard visit) and told me later that she felt kind of funny watching us work through certain family projects (for example, we've been working on kids being open about their feelings instead of pushing each other) -- they made her acutely aware that she was kind of one of the kids and kind of not. 

I really like the idea of giving her the choice to have more information or not to have it. On the other hand, I don't know if saying that things are complicated is the best way to do it, because it starts out with information. I'm not sure what a better way would be, though. 

[Acadie]

Twice your sister has shut down or indicated she can't deal with hearing about challenges in your marriage. At this point I'd honor that by not volunteering more. But I also wouldn't lie if she asks, or if something comes up that makes non-disclosure super awkward or potentially deceptive. In that case, I'd keep it short and sweet. 

I just don't think it's deceptive to honor the clear indications she's given that hearing this stuff is too much for her right now. Has she ever asked for more info, or said she felt deceived by not hearing more?

An emotionally safe family isn't one without conflict or difficulty, so I kind of hope you can let go of feeing responsible for that. What matters is if people are seen and heard, and if family members make an effort to show respect for each other while handling disagreement or difficulty. And when that fails, as it invariably will, whether people make a sincere effort to try to repair the relationship by owning their own mistakes or misjudgments, acknowledging the impact on others, and apologizing without caveat or qualification.

If your sister gives you a different message later, and says she actually does want to hear more or feels deceived, you can always say you weren't sure what was best, but that you tried to hear and honor the discomfort she voiced before. And you're really sorry that the choice you made ended up not feeling right to her, and having a negative impact after all.

Based on what you said here, that just doesn't seem like the signal she's giving now.   

Edited February 23, 2023 by Acadie

[Not_a_Number]

Another clarification: I would never at this point volunteer any information about our marriage if we were still living together. She obviously can't cope with it. (She's not being straightforward about not coping with it. If I asked her, I'm sure she'd say she wants to hear. But it isn't true.) 

But the fact that he hasn't lived at home for a month and is likely to not live at home for many more... it just feels like a big thing to avoid saying in conversations! It comes up, you know?? And however things go eventually, it's going to be a big thing in the kids' emotional lives, so I'm sure she'll find out. 

Edited February 23, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Not_a_Number]

5 minutes ago, Acadie said:

An emotionally safe family isn't one without conflict or difficulty, so I kind of hope you can let go of feeing responsible for that. What matters is if people are seen and heard, and if family members make an effort to show respect for each other while handling disagreement or difficulty. And when that fails, as it invariably will, whether people make a sincere effort to try to repair the relationship by owning their own mistakes or misjudgments, acknowledging the impact on others, and apologizing without caveat or qualification.

That's kind of you. 

I doubt I'll stop feeling guilty about it, but it's nice to have some affirmation that I'm doing a decent job. 

[Clarita]

2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Another clarification: I would never at this point volunteer any information about our conflict if we were still living together. She obviously can't cope with it. (She's not being straightforward about not coping with it. If I asked her, I'm sure she'd say she wants to hear. But it isn't true.) 

That's where you need to be clear with her if she insists on knowing details that she might not be able to cope with, you can't help her to cope with it. From your post it seems even if you are emotionally OK with helping her cope you can't actually help her cope (in that you don't know the right things to say and the ways to say them and that's OK). 

Let her tell you she wants to or doesn't want to hear and respect her enough to let her deal with the consequences. 

[Not_a_Number]

One thing I've learned from last year with DH is that I can't hold traumatized people responsible for not being entirely open with me. Some people literally cannot figure out what being open would mean and don't have a good internal gauge of what they're able to handle.

So I don't expect her to be able to tell me what she's able to deal with and that's OK. I'll use my own judgment. I trust it. 

ETA: Maybe "hold responsible" is wrong. Everyone is, of course, responsible for their own actions. 

But I can also see that I will only be frustrated if I expect things from her that I already know she can't do. 

Edited February 23, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Clarita]

30 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

But I can also see that I will only be frustrated if I expect things from her that I already know she can't do. 

In that case I would just give her an "I'm not ready to tell you everything yet." 

Then you won't be lying in giving her the impression that everything is hunky dory, but she can formulate in her own mind the reality that she can deal with. 

[Lecka]

It sounds like she’s dealing with her own young adult stuff.  
 

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to model privacy, I think it is a choice for sure.  
 

But I think the examples other people are giving are good, too, for mentioning it in a low-key way.

 

It sounds like you are dealing with older-adult, parent, spouse stuff, and she’s a young adult managing her own life and figuring out her family relationships.  They are pretty different stages of life.  
 

I do not think you owe her a replacement stable family.  I think it’s a wonderful thing to try to do to the greatest extent possible, but it’s just not something I think you can take responsibility for.  I think it’s one thing to feel sad that it maybe isn’t possible to make up for things and provide things, but I think past a certain point it’s not something for you to take on.  
 

It sounds like you, yourself, not “your marriage,” are already doing a lot to provide stability and care for her.  
 

My husband has felt guilt over knowing things were not great for a younger sibling, and it is hard on him. But to me, a lot of things are not things he could have changed.  But it’s an important relationship and I think my little BIL values support and care, wants to have a more mutual relationship than an older/younger dynamic as he gets older, and does not expect my husband to make up for their parents’ shortcomings.  But it’s definitely something that has been hard and sad over the years.  
 

I also think with my husband — feeling sad about how things have been for his brother are also a way of feeling sad about how things have been for him.  But he is more likely to think of it on someone else’s behalf, I think because it’s painful to think of it on his own behalf.  
 

But I don’t know firsthand, it’s not something I have personal experience with.  But I do love my little BIL and want things to go well with him, and we do talk and stuff.  But the primary relationship is between him and my husband.  
 

 

[Lecka]

I also wonder what your husband thinks?

I feel like I have had to change things about what I think is “my” business and what is something where — yes, it’s part of my life and effects me, but I have to respect that it’s also someone else’s privacy and they might not want it to be discussed.  
 

I have had this mainly with my kids.  
 

Well, if my kids want something to be private, then for the most part, I need to keep it private.  
 

If your husband did want to keep this more private, I think it is a higher priority to respect your husband’s preference, than to owe it to your sister to share in case it hurts her feelings.  
 

It’s not her right to know, if it’s not something your husband wants to share.

 

I wouldn’t think it was fair if your husband was wanting to be overly secretive, but outside of that it is joint information.  
 

I think with your husband seeming to be the problem person, that’s more of a reason to limit sharing in deference to him, too.  Like — while it might be awkward for you in the future, it might be much more awkward for him in the future.  
 

If your husband doesn’t care, then I do think it is just your sense of what would be better to do.  

[Not_a_Number]

Yes, of course I'm discussing this with my DH. 

We're in complete agreement about this one. (He's close to her -- not a father figure, but a mentor.) We don't want to hurt her. We both think she doesn't want to know but may feel betrayed later if she finds out after the fact. We're flummoxed. 

We'd never share details with her either way. 

[Lecka]

It hasn’t come across that way to me.

Saying “we” instead of “I” goes a long way in how that comes across.

Also, mentioning your husband’s relationship with her is important information, it came across to me like they didn’t have much of a relationship.  
 

This might not be one of your issues in person at all — but there are some people who present themselves as part of a couple by doing things like saying “we,” mentioning their partner sometimes, and just presenting themselves as someone who respects their partner and checks with them

and makes big decisions with them.

 

Then some people present themselves as having a partner who is checked out in certain ways.  
 

Maybe one spouse handles all the family or emotional arenas.  Maybe one spouse handles all the discipline for the children.  Maybe one spouse makes all the money decisions.  

 

Some people present themselves as not really consulting their partner in general, or having things where they are going their own way on something that is really just concerning them (and is more of an individual thing than a marriage thing).  
 

I do think you come across like you primarily run things and handle things in your family.  
 

I think kids pick up on this a lot.  
 

It definitely might be something where it’s just the written format and it doesn’t come across that way at all in person.  I think there are a lot of things like that.  It can also be hard to know what information to assume or not assume that other people would assume.  

[Not_a_Number]

I do run things in my family. It's related to why we live apart right now -- he's never felt safe enough to speak up, so lots of things defaulted to me or they didn't get done at all. By the time I was posting on this forum, I'm sure I had given up thinking of things as something "we" do. (I didn't at all understand what was going on with him then. But I didn't feel we were a team. We weren't a team.) 

But this specific issue was always going to be a joint decision. It's just we hadn't talked about it before I posted, so I had been thinking about it in terms of what I do. We've spoken about it since. 

ETA: I checked my thread on our separation, and I do say "we" a lot in that one. There's been many more things that have felt like teamwork in the last year. Not enough to keep us together, but many more things. 

That's a perceptive observation, @Lecka. Thank you. I'm going to have to keep an eye on that. Seems like a useful verbal tip-off. 

Edited February 25, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Ausmumof3]

I have zero experience but I think I would learn toward being open about things on a purely practical level - we’re currently living apart, without going into any of the emotional stir and being a bit brick wall ish if she tries to get into it. 
 

Actually now I think about it I do have some experience. My parents went through a rocky stage just before my mum was diagnosed with cancer (I think she was already ill and that was a contributing factor although no one knew at that stage). My sister’s house was definitely a safe haven at that point, and I’m not sure how I would have coped if I’d known she was having issues at that point. It does seem to be so important to kids and young adults going through unstable home stuff to have a stable environment where they can get away for a bit. Is there anyone else in your sister’s life that can provide that? 

[Not_a_Number]

3 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I have zero experience but I think I would learn toward being open about things on a purely practical level - we’re currently living apart, without going into any of the emotional stir and being a bit brick wall ish if she tries to get into it. 

Actually now I think about it I do have some experience. My parents went through a rocky stage just before my mum was diagnosed with cancer (I think she was already ill and that was a contributing factor although no one knew at that stage). My sister’s house was definitely a safe haven at that point, and I’m not sure how I would have coped if I’d known she was having issues at that point. It does seem to be so important to kids and young adults going through unstable home stuff to have a stable environment where they can get away for a bit. Is there anyone else in your sister’s life that can provide that? 

I wish she didn't know we were having issues. It was obviously traumatic for her to find out. I don't think I could have hidden it from her, given how dire things had gotten, although I handled it very badly. At this point, she's obviously trying to avoid dealing with the fact. She's blocking it out. 

There's no one else, no. I feel so, so bad that I'm no longer able to provide the stable environment she needs. I'm hoping we fix things and we can again. It's so important to me. 

Yeah. Thinking it through some more, she so obviously doesn't want to know that maybe I should try to avoid telling her as long as humanly possible. We haven't broken up. We're working on things. Things are in fact much better than they were a year ago. The fact that we aren't living together is actually a positive development, but she'd never understand it that way. It would only scare her. 

And she already knows things are hard, because otherwise, she'd be asking. (I had another conversation with her today that reminded me how much she's avoiding asking me about anything emotionally complicated with me.) 

Yeah. You guys are probably right. 

I'll talk to DH about it tonight and see what his take is. Last I checked, he was conflicted in the same way as me. 

[Lecka]

I think even though right now things aren’t as stable as you would like, you and your husband are working hard to resolve things, and then have things be more stable in the future.

Or have things be more settled in the future, with more things known that right now aren’t known.

I think it’s a good time for long-term thinking and also thinking — you are doing a lot to think of her and consider, and I’m sure that comes through.  
 

I think it can also help people to see that children are being cared for and that things are being kept as stable as possible for children.  I think even if she doesn’t know about it right now if she sees your kids are being cared for, it can help.  I think it’s a really important way to be a positive role model and influence, that is meaningful and powerful.  

[Not_a_Number]

Looks like DH and I both converged on not telling her anything for now, because she'd never understand that all of the recent developments have been positive and would just be freaked out. 

I'm going to guess we'll put off seeing her together until everything is sorted out, and then we'll have to have a talk with her where we tell her about the fact that we didn't live together for a while and why we hadn't told her. (This is assuming we do figure things out. If we don't, we'll have to have an entirely different talk with her... but at that point, the fact that we didn't live together for a bit won't be too important, anyway.) I don't think that is going to be a fun conversation 😕. Maybe I'll cross my fingers that it'll be part of a conversation where we tell her that we've sorted things out and the relief will help her... 

Edited February 25, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Acadie]

I thought she knew you were living apart before--is that right? 

If yes, she already knows that's been part of your process, so I don't get why it would be a huge revelation if you have another period of the same thing. At least in my relationships there's a lot of circling back around the same issues and attempts to deal with them, and no one else needs to know the blow-by-blow.

Sorry if I misunderstood and she wasn't aware when you were apart before.

In any case it does sound like she's giving you really consistent signals on what she can and can't handle now. 

[Not_a_Number]

I don't think it's that rational. She does know we lived apart before. But it scared her. I don't think she conceives it as a process between us. She's really only interpreting things through her own lens.

Edited February 26, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Bootsie]

2 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

Looks like DH and I both converged on not telling her anything for now, because she'd never understand that all of the recent developments have been positive and would just be freaked out. 

I'm going to guess we'll put off seeing her together until everything is sorted out, and then we'll have to have a talk with her where we tell her about the fact that we didn't live together for a while and why we hadn't told her. (This is assuming we do figure things out. If we don't, we'll have to have an entirely different talk with her... but at that point, the fact that we didn't live together for a bit won't be too important, anyway.) I don't think that is going to be a fun conversation 😕. Maybe I'll cross my fingers that it'll be part of a conversation where we tell her that we've sorted things out and the relief will help her... 

Why would you need to have a talk with her and tell her about the fact that you didn't live together for a while, after the fact?  I guess I am not understanding why that would be infromation that she needs to have, unless you want her to have it.

[Not_a_Number]

5 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

Why would you need to have a talk with her and tell her about the fact that you didn't live together for a while, after the fact?  I guess I am not understanding why that would be infromation that she needs to have, unless you want her to have it.

She'll find out from the kids. 

She's going to be really hurt if she finds out in casual conversation instead of being told. She'll feel excluded.  

She's going to feel hurt, anyway. This just seems like the lesser of two evils. 

[Rosie_0801]

You really can't be responsible for her immaturity or poor boundaries. If someone is hurt by not being included in the secrets of someone else's marriage, that is entirely on them even if they think it is entirely on you. 

[Not_a_Number]

I'd disagree that this is none of her business. She's in many ways part of the family. 

[Rosie_0801]

I'm not saying it is none of her business. I'm saying I think you are taking far too much responsibility for another adult's feelings. If your sister wants to take any of this personally, it's on her and her immature boundaries. She's entitled to feel whatever she feels, but that doesn't make it your responsibility to manage. Sometimes people will feel hurt and there's nothing anyone else ought to do about it. You've got plenty to do to deal with your own problems without managing your adult sister's feelings about your problems and anything your problems might trigger in her. Those are her responsibility to deal with, and to talk to her friends about so as not to burden you and your husband, as the ones who actually have the problem, with her feelings.

But it seems you think this is an inappropriate way to deal or maybe you need this as a decoy problem. I don't know, but I hope you and your hubby can sort out the hard stuff because there is too much hard stuff in life already.

[Not_a_Number]

I don't think of her as another adult. I think of her as kind of my kid. Different rules apply. 

But we can agree to disagree. 

[Garga]

14 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I don't think of her as another adult. I think of her as kind of my kid. Different rules apply. 

But we can agree to disagree. 

How old is she? (ETA—just re-read the OP. She’s 21.)

You: I have some news that may upset you. DH and I are living apart so we have the space to work on our marriage.

Then, silence. Let her react. Beyond that, I’d probably give out very little information. If she asks questions, I’d deflect any that aren’t concrete questions. Like if she wants to know where each of you are living, that’s a concrete thing to answer. If she asks questions that are too personal or unknown like, “But what’s are the issues you are having?” or “What’s going to happen next?” just answer that it’s between you and dh or you don’t know yet, but that you and he are communicating and seeing a counselor (if you are), and working on it together.

It’s understandable that you want to tell her so that she’s not blindsided by the news later. But she doesn’t need to know the nitty gritty or grill you for answers you don’t have. So, just tell her, let her react, deflect the personal questions, and move on.

If you don’t see her as an adult to confide in, don’t. Tell her so that she doesn’t hear it through the grapevine (the kids), and move on. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to answer. And you can even say, “I don’t want to talk about that,” to anything she asks that you don’t want to talk about.

 

Edited February 26, 2023 by Garga

[Not_a_Number]

She's 21. I was a teen when she was born. And our mom is narcissistic and useless. I've always wanted her to consider our family hers. 

[Melissa Louise]

So, thinking of her as an adult kid, there's something I do know about.

And it's that it's really up to you how much you want to share with your adult kids about the state or status of your relationship with their actual father, and it's up to them to find ways to feel their emotions, be supported in processing and manage their reactions (in whatever way works for them). You are still the 'mom' either way, and you can still be a loving presence for them, regardless of what you do or don't share.

Your situation is not analogous to mine for many reasons.

But this may or may not be pertinent; my kids give some very strong signals that they don't want to know more than they know right now, which is that their father and I clearly live very separate lives now, albeit under the same roof. I will answer questions honestly, if not always fully (there is stuff they never need to know) but they don't ask, and so I don't push. Am I doing this right? I don't know.

All I know is that as a person, I have a right to privacy about my own business, even from my adult kids! if that's what's best for me.

I also know that a very important part of parenting young adult kids is to be able to separate from the role of mother of younger kids. And to give them space and opportunity to work out their own stuff in their own way - even about me/their parents - even though that inevitably involves some suffering along the way.

In fact, acceptance that our adult children will suffer at some point in their adult life, ready or not, and that we are powerless over that, seems to me to be one of the markers of having begun the (sometimes) difficult task of being the mother of adult children.

I still don't know what you should or shouldn't say to your sister.

But adult children (if that is more what she is to you), even when fragile (and one of mine was for a long time, and all three have some level of vulnerability) - yes, they're still our 'kids', but they're not kids. A different skill set needs to come into play.

 

[Rosie_0801]

3 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

But adult children (if that is more what she is to you), even when fragile (and one of mine was for a long time, and all three have some level of vulnerability) - yes, they're still our 'kids', but they're not kids. A different skill set needs to come into play.

Yes, this is kind of where I was. If the OP is treating their adult sister as a child of the family, that's their business, but since she seems to be treating her as younger than I treat my teenager, maybe it's a point that needs to be considered for adjustment.

But I shall go away and mind my business because I have nothing appropriate to contribute beyond general good wishes and they don't solve problems.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Yes, this is kind of where I was. If the OP is treating their adult sister as a child of the family, that's their business, but since she seems to be treating her as younger than I treat my teenager, maybe it's a point that needs to be considered for adjustment.

But I shall go away and mind my business because I have nothing appropriate to contribute beyond general good wishes and they don't solve problems.

They're appreciated, though! 

I think we are pretty much resolved on a course, anyway. DH and I came to the same conclusion, and we trust each other's sense of other human beings pretty wholeheartedly (that's always been true, even when we were at our lowest.) So we know how to proceed. 

[Not_a_Number]

Thanks for your help, everyone! As usual, hearing everyone's perspectives clarifies my thinking. 

Edited February 26, 2023 by Not_a_Number

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Yes, this is kind of where I was. If the OP is treating their adult sister as a child of the family, that's their business, but since she seems to be treating her as younger than I treat my teenager, maybe it's a point that needs to be considered for adjustment.

But I shall go away and mind my business because I have nothing appropriate to contribute beyond general good wishes and they don't solve problems.

Just speaking generally now, and not about the OP, who has found a direction she's happy with, I think there's something - woo alert - spiritually important about allowing adult children to experience their path fully, including the suffering. I feel that as a parent of adults, I'm being asked to sacrifice for their greater good, and one of the greater goods is honesty. They do have the lives they have, affected in the ways they were affected, and I am not a superwoman who can change what lies behind them, or what lies before them. I am utterly fallible. Adults step onto their own path. They can come back to us, as adults, for motherly love and affection, but there's a separation of paths that takes place, and is good that takes place. I do maintain that it's hard to parent young adults - or at least, I have found it much harder than earlier stages.

[Lecka]

I do feel sadness and anger that is my own sadness and anger, about the world my children live in and events that affect them.  
 

And I think sometimes this is really about my own processing of events.  
 

My kids do not have the same levels of sadness and anger as I do, at all, and then it’s something “I” am upset about.  
 

For example — I have a lot of sadness and anger about Covid wrt my kids.  I blame Covid for a lot.  For example — there’s a thread about students not doing group work and I thought “I bet it’s because of Covid” and then — oh, nobody else thought that.  
 

My kids have pretty much moved on mentally and are not thinking about Covid the way I am.

 

I also get upset about slights against them that I can take personally, that they honestly do not care about at all.

 

Anyway — I do think op is allowed to feel a lot of sadness and regret that her ideal of family stability is not going the way she wishes, right now.  
 

That IS an op problem of feeling that way.  I think that is very real and “hopes and dreams” stuff.
 

And then with a separate issue of communicating to the sister — I hope she is stronger and better able to handle this news, than it seems right now.  I hope she is not too disappointed.  I hope she still sees you personally as a source of stability for her.  I hope her relationship with your husband continues to be a positive part of her life.  
 

And I hope it’s not too sad for op to share this news.

 

Sometimes when people share sad news that is difficult to share repeatedly, they do tell one person and then that person will notify others.  
 

So I think it IS hard but there is still a need to tell direct family members sad news, and I think that is hard.  It is hard to tell someone something that is itself sad, but then be in the role (sometimes) of also then comforting that person.  
 

And I don’t think it’s realistic to think the adult sister would comfort the op.  
 

But I think it’s fair to think it is a hard thing to do, and dread knowing there will be a poor response.  

 

But i agree with other posters, too.

 

I hope this is one of those things when the op has worked through her own feelings by the time she talks to her sister.  

 

And I hope things are more settled by then!

 

I think this is something that is going to seem easier when more is known and settled, and there is something to share and present that is concrete, and the op isn't in the middle of everything.

 

I think it would go a long way for it seeming manageable to handle (respond to, support) the sister's reaction.

 

It is going to be something where it’s good for the op and her husband to work together though — there’s probably just going to be more moments of discussing how to handle things with kids, how much to share, etc.  I hope it will make some future event easier.  
 

I am someone who feels like — well, I’m used to this world we live in, but I really feel my discontent sometimes with thinking “why is it this way for my kids.”  But then it’s actually my own issue.  Basically — that is my summary… this comes up for me a lot and I have to be careful to not go overboard on deciding my kids’ feelings or assigning feelings to them.  Or having too much care about something that is “their” issue in a way that can make things too much about me.  But I also think this is a positive for me often as I try to do things that I think are positive and I will think “well at least my kids will know there are people making an effort.”  But it’s also just part of people encouraging each other, really I am more part of my own thing of people encouraging each other, but I think it is nice for my kids to know their mom is… involved in something that I think is contributing positivity to our community and encouraging others.  But it is also mainly about me and wanting that for myself.  But sometimes I do not have any good answers for my kids because something is just not great and we all have to deal with it.  

 

 

[Not_a_Number]

Hey all, 

Just an update -- we just saw my sister for her college graduation, and she's obviously still deep in denial about what's going on with DH and me. So it was definitely a good call not to give her any details this winter. 

So I wanted to thank you all for your input -- it was helpful.