Tell me about the poor guinea pig firstborns.

[Brittany1116]

A snapshot: My first son was so wise and capable. I pushed him. I signed him up to do things at 3 that I held my youngest back from at almost 6. Because you know, he's the baby.

Now here I am typing up their tentative educational progressions for my own records. The second child has 10 grades (prek-8) fitting nicely on 2 pages. Pulled out old lists for the first and typed up his progress same font and spacing... 8 grades take up 3 entire pages. Cue the mom guilt.

Also... he is only a year away from starting high school so I don't even feel like I can scale back. Sympathize with me?

[fairfarmhand]

We’re different parents to every child. Some of that is good, some not so good. Rejoice in the things you did well and forgive yourself for the things you did less well and tell yourself it was all done in love. 
 

both kids will likely be just fine despite the mistakes you made along the way.

signed a mom of 4, ten years apart between oldest and youngest who parents entirely differently with my younger set than my oldest and I hear about it all the time from my kids.

[Brittany1116]

20 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

We’re different parents to every child. Some of that is good, some not so good. Rejoice in the things you did well and forgive yourself for the things you did less well and tell yourself it was all done in love. 
 

both kids will likely be just fine despite the mistakes you made along the way.

signed a mom of 4, ten years apart between oldest and youngest who parents entirely differently with my younger set than my oldest and I hear about it all the time from my kids.

Thank you. It was an is all in love. 

 

I am the oldest of 7 and know so many of the feelings that come with that. You would think it makes me softer towards him, but somehow it seems to be the opposite. Interestingly, my husband is the baby and has a hard time parenting our younger one. 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is he happy?  I don’t see any problem with pushing him a bit and giving him more opportunities if he is. 

[Brittany1116]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Is he happy?  I don’t see any problem with pushing him a bit and giving him more opportunities if he is. 

As happy as any tween boy can be. 😉 He has not been a complainer or slacker. He still works hard and likes getting good grades and pursuing things of interest. He is a bit miffed that he is so far ahead in math, mostly because he has finally found challenge in math (halfway through Algebra 1 at 11). But the first 2ish years of homeschooling... I did too much. Too much for a new HS mom and too much for a 6 year old child. I wanted to give him everything and didn't know I didn't have to do everything every year. 

Edited December 4, 2022 by Brittany1116
Sleepy spelling errors.

[maize]

Children have been surviving imperfect, inexperienced parents for many thousands of years 🙂

[Tanaqui]

If all your children seem reasonably happy with how they've individually been raised, then you're probably in the clear. Maybe you "did too much" with the oldest, or "didn't do enough" with the youngest, but I highly doubt you were abusive or neglectful to either of them.  I'm sure they'll all turn out just fine.

[Brittany1116]

8 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

If all your children seem reasonably happy with how they've individually been raised, then you're probably in the clear. Maybe you "did too much" with the oldest, or "didn't do enough" with the youngest, but I highly doubt you were abusive or neglectful to either of them.  I'm sure they'll all turn out just fine.

Well, I do think 11 believes 6 is getting off easier, but in his mind it is current load to current load, not his grade 1 year versus his brother's grade 1 year. Intellectually, he knows they both have more responsibility with each passing year, but he forgets all the fun and extras we did back then. He has had more opportunities than his brother because of being an only for 5 years, because of finances, because of pandemic, etc. But he is also struggling a bit being in that middle grades transition into the unknown. He was sad to age out of VBS for example, and has a bit of trepidation about trying new things. But that is all aside from my original point and it is past my bedtime so I am yammering on...

[easypeasy]

He'll be fine. Oldest children have been surviving guinea pig status for aeons. 🙂

My oldest (also so very wise and capable) is doing great. lol I was (and am) a VERY different parent to her than I was to the "baby" brother and, even moreso, to the bonus brother who came to us at 17 years old.

My girls like to grumble a bit about how laid back I am for the boy(s) - but honest-to-goodness, the girls were always very Type A personalities and needed/wanted full schedules and constant maternal involvement. The son? Totally laid back and chill. Rarely wants/needs me involved in his day to day life. He checks in, but doesn't need to talk to me for 30 minutes about a minor life decision, yk? 😂 Bonus son checks in far more often than my own biological flesh and blood. lol

Now, as both boys would tell anyone, they've made more missteps and mistakes than their older sisters. Forrrr sure. We've had some cringe moments at impulsive decisions they've both made, whereas my girls don't have an impulsive bone in their bodies.

So - I think (my) firstborns come to us wired a certain way that need parented a certain way. My girls would have been bored to tears with as much unstructured time as their baby brother got. It just is what it is.

And they're all fine. Despite having "Grass is Greener" syndrome from time to time about how the other one was raised. lol

Now *I* have regrets over some things in raising DD1. I set the bar really, really high and wish I could have relaxed a little bit on the academics. She was studying two histories, for instance, in 4th grade. Like, WHY? She was burned out by the time she hit college, whereas her younger brother (with a much more relaxed curriculum) was hungry for information when he hit college.

Still. She's fine. It's fine. Everyone's fine. 🔥😅

Edited December 4, 2022 by easypeasy

[lovinmyboys]

I think all children are kind of Guiana pigs anyway- you have never raised that child in those circumstances before. I am raising my youngest quite a bit differently than I did my oldest at his age, but I’m not convinced it is better. I read somewhere that if you are worried about things like this, you are probably doing ok.

[teachermom2834]

I have four kids ten years from the first to the last. They are all really different and I never figured out what the heck I was doing with any of them 😂

Oldest three are grown and the youngest is in high school. They are all okay because of or in spite of me depending on the day. 
 

I did love them all to bits and do my best no matter how misguided it may have been. I can stand on that for sure! 

[bibiche]

I thought this thread was going to be about actual guinea pigs and I was going to read something graphically disturbing about how the parents eat the first newborn. I’m relieved it’s only some mom angst, and assure you that your kids will most likely be just fine. Especially compared to the tragedy of those imagined guinea pigs!
 

 

[LauraClark]

43 minutes ago, bibiche said:

I thought this thread was going to be about actual guinea pigs

I did too 😂

[Brittany1116]

Thank you. I am 6 years in and mostly comfortable and confident in our learning methods but sometimes think I am screwing it all up. Sometimes too much, other times not enough. 

 

17 hours ago, easypeasy said:

He'll be fine. Oldest children have been surviving guinea pig status for aeons. 🙂

😂 

Now *I* have regrets over some things in raising DD1. I set the bar really, really high and wish I could have relaxed a little bit on the academics. She was studying two histories, for instance, in 4th grade. Like, WHY? She was burned out by the time she hit college, whereas her younger brother (with a much more relaxed curriculum) was hungry for information when he hit college.

Still. She's fine. It's fine. Everyone's fine. 🔥😅

This is me and why I posted! For 3 years, he did 2 math programs plus xtramath. For 2 years, 2 or more full LA programs. Part was learning what we did and didn't like but Whyyy????

[BlsdMama]

20 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

We’re different parents to every child. Some of that is good, some not so good. Rejoice in the things you did well and forgive yourself for the things you did less well and tell yourself it was all done in love. 
 

both kids will likely be just fine despite the mistakes you made along the way.

signed a mom of 4, ten years apart between oldest and youngest who parents entirely differently with my younger set than my oldest and I hear about it all the time from my kids.

What she said is true. 
-Signed:

 Mom of 11, eighteen years apart, growing dead DEAF from hearing about it, and very tired. 😉 

Edited December 5, 2022 by BlsdMama
Deaf, not dead, although....

[BlsdMama]

1 hour ago, bibiche said:

I thought this thread was going to be about actual guinea pigs and I was going to read something graphically disturbing about how the parents eat the first newborn. I’m relieved it’s only some mom angst, and assure you that your kids will most likely be just fine. Especially compared to the tragedy of those imagined guinea pigs!
 

 

I reread this three times trying to figure out what her oldest's and youngest's schoolwork had to do with the raising of guinea pigs.  I should go to bed early tonight.

[retiredHSmom]

At my oldest daughter’s homeschool co-op graduation I said in my speech that if anyone ever deserved an honors designation on their high school diploma it was the first born of a type A mother. 

6 years later I said that my son deserved it because in his high school career I “fixed” all the “mistakes” that I made with the first two.

today, all three are happily functioning self supporting adults with a good relationship with me and a desire to homeschool their own offspring 

[Emba]

3 hours ago, bibiche said:

I thought this thread was going to be about actual guinea pigs and I was going to read something graphically disturbing about how the parents eat the first newborn. I’m relieved it’s only some mom angst, and assure you that your kids will most likely be just fine. Especially compared to the tragedy of those imagined guinea pigs!
 

 

oh yeah, i did too, and I was thinking that I had never heard anything like that, but rabbits eat their babies when stressed, so it’s possible. . . 

[Mom_to3]

Another one who at first thought it was a post about guinea pigs (lots of pet posts here on the forum!) and skipped the thread. Then realized what it was about and clicked the link - because, yes, I understand completely what you mean!

[easypeasy]

6 hours ago, Brittany1116 said:

Thank you. I am 6 years in and mostly comfortable and confident in our learning methods but sometimes think I am screwing it all up. Sometimes too much, other times not enough. 

 

This is me and why I posted! For 3 years, he did 2 math programs plus xtramath. For 2 years, 2 or more full LA programs. Part was learning what we did and didn't like but Whyyy????

Well, for my DD she often WANTED to do more. It's a firstborn thing, yk? lol So, while she was worn out by the time she hit college, she was p.r.e.p.a.r.e.d. 🤪 And, honestly, she was a huge inspiration to her younger siblings. DS1, who was kind of a goof-off when he was younger saw her academic success (and full ride scholarship to college.... so all that studying WAS worth it) and kicked himself into high gear. When it was his turn, he applied to only *one* school that has single-digit acceptance rates and was accepted. 🤯 He never would have done that if he hadn't seen what she was able to achieve.

And even now, she says she can't think of a single thing she regrets studying all through school. So, her worn-outed-ness was just what it was - necessary for a Type A mom and an overachieving student, I think.

Again - he'll be fine. 🙂 If/when he starts to show cracks in the armor, back off on something. Take a little rest, he'll have earned it. It'll all even out in the end.

(P.S. DS1 applied to the one school because it was his dream program at his dream school and said if he wasn't accepted, he was going to take a gap year before applying to other schools. This was during the height of Covid, so it made a ton of sense at the time. I definitely would not recommend to anyone else to only apply to one highly selective university and nowhere else, lol!)

[lewelma]

yup.  Thought this thread was about actual guinea pigs. 

My older broke the mold and almost broke me. My goal was to stall him until he was ready emotionally for university. Boy was that an effort. I did this with the violin and classic novels! By the time I let him fly the coop, he walked into MIT and took graduate level math classes as a freshman at 18. lol.  There was no way I could use anything I learned from him to raise my younger who is a VSP and a powerful global thinker. Between the two of them, they kept me on my toes for 20 years. 

[Guest]

15 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

I think all children are kind of Guiana pigs anyway- you have never raised that child in those circumstances before. I am raising my youngest quite a bit differently than I did my oldest at his age, but I’m not convinced it is better. I read somewhere that if you are worried about things like this, you are probably doing ok.

In a recent conversation, my 25yo daughter asked me several questions about why I did XYZ when she was growing up. After trying to answer her questions using logic, I finally just said, “Look, when you’re the parent, you have to choose *something*. You can’t deliberate forever on ‘Is this the perfect school? The perfect youth sports team? The perfect hobby to cultivate?’; you just have to go with something and sort out whatever doesn’t work.” I think, like many YAs her age, she’s trying to work out a philosophy of parenting before she has kids. To that I say, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA and good luck! 

[EmilyGF]

I'm 8 years older than my brother and resented (verbally) the way my parents cut him slack. As the oldest, I had always been pushed in a way he wasn't. My mom resented my opinions (and I was quite pert), but I think she would have done well to have at least heard me.

And you know what? I'm glad. It took DB many more years to figure out life. I try to listen to my older kids about my younger ones because they have insight I don't, and I can benefit from it.

I totally pushed DS17 in ways I haven't DS10 because they are different people, but also because I'm tired and distracted. I'm working on more consistency with DS10 and DD6. The other day DS10 pointed out some behavior I was letting slide with DD6 that I would have disciplined him for, and I had to agree that he was right and I needed to be take the behavior more seriously.

So, I'm not really sure whether it is the oldest guinea pigs or the youngest who have it better, but they definitely have it different.

[Brittany1116]

Oh yes, very different through the years. I gave my parents grief about the differences in how they raised me vs my only brother who is 11 years younger and the 5th kid. And now with the adopted sisters who are still in elementary? It's like they aren't even the same people who raised me. Then again, they are regretting how free they have been with the girls as unchecked behaviors are biting them in the butt now. 

My second child has mellowed me out not just because he is a different person with different needs, but because I realized my kids' outcomes are only loosely related to my input. I am not inherently a great mom, I just had an "easy" and "good" firstborn. They still ultimately are their own people. 

[Kassia]

I think I've parented each of my kids differently for many reasons other than birth order - my own age/experience and their individual personalities and needs played a big part in my parenting.  I was definitely a different person when I had ds1 at 23 and dd (my youngest of 4) at almost 35.  And each kid was so different (and still are as young adults).  But they all turned out great for the most part and I don't think of myself as a great mom at all.  I thought I would be until I actually had kids. 

[kbutton]

On 12/4/2022 at 1:14 AM, Brittany1116 said:

Well, I do think 11 believes 6 is getting off easier, but in his mind it is current load to current load, not his grade 1 year versus his brother's grade 1 year. 

Does he have some privileges the younger one does not have due to age? I wonder if thinking of that would help him out.

I am sure you're doing fine parenting them as individuals. 🙂 

Edited December 5, 2022 by kbutton
change would to wonder

[Brittany1116]

10 hours ago, easypeasy said:

Well, for my DD she often WANTED to do more. It's a firstborn thing, yk? lol So, while she was worn out by the time she hit college, she was p.r.e.p.a.r.e.d. 🤪 And, honestly, she was a huge inspiration to her younger siblings. DS1, who was kind of a goof-off when he was younger saw her academic success (and full ride scholarship to college.... so all that studying WAS worth it) and kicked himself into high gear. When it was his turn, he applied to only *one* school that has single-digit acceptance rates and was accepted. 🤯 He never would have done that if he hadn't seen what she was able to achieve.

And even now, she says she can't think of a single thing she regrets studying all through school. So, her worn-outed-ness was just what it was - necessary for a Type A mom and an overachieving student, I think.

Again - he'll be fine. 🙂 If/when he starts to show cracks in the armor, back off on something. Take a little rest, he'll have earned it. It'll all even out in the end.

(P.S. DS1 applied to the one school because it was his dream program at his dream school and said if he wasn't accepted, he was going to take a gap year before applying to other schools. This was during the height of Covid, so it made a ton of sense at the time. I definitely would not recommend to anyone else to only apply to one highly selective university and nowhere else, lol!)

To be fair to myself, he was eager and motivated to learn and capable to do at 3 what some kids struggle to do at 5. He was HAPPY to do several pages of math workbooks at a young age. So I part pushed, part followed his lead. 

2 hours ago, Kassia said:

I think I've parented each of my kids differently for many reasons other than birth order - my own age/experience and their individual personalities and needs played a big part in my parenting.  I was definitely a different person when I had ds1 at 23 and dd (my youngest of 4) at almost 35.  And each kid was so different (and still are as young adults).  But they all turned out great for the most part and I don't think of myself as a great mom at all.  I thought I would be until I actually had kids. 

Oh I was totally confident that my kid was super because I was a good mom. Then that second child shattered that illusion. LOL

29 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Does he have some privileges the younger one does not have due to age? I wonder if thinking of that would help him out.

I am sure you're doing fine parenting them as individuals. 🙂 

Hmm. I can't think of any. They get the same screen time and bedtime. I am more likely to ask him for help on things and give him some money for it, but that isn't what you mean. He doesn't have or want a phone. I offered him the option of joining band or chess club at the local school and he declined. He has some opportunities for events and camps coming up that the younger one does not, but they aren't definite things yet. I will have to ponder this more and add privileges. Thank you.

[Brittany1116]

This was the beginning of the comparison, or at least the parts he says out loud...

We were on vacation at a resort when they were 8.5 and 3.5. He said, "He always gets what he wants and I never do!" We laughed because what 3.5 wanted was a sip of my iced coffee. What 8.5 wanted was a $20 arcade pass. Kid logic is funny.

[teachermom2834]

Just the way things ended up working out in my family which isn’t exactly relevant to the specific OP- my oldest three are boys closer together (3 in 5 years). The youngest is a girl 5 years later. Dramatically different situation especially now that the three are out of the house. Instead of a chaotic family of six we are a quiet household of three. Dd, as a teen, has two parents at the ready for whatever her need. And dh is much farther along in his career so he has more flexibility in his schedule and a bigger paycheck. So not only is she not sharing resources - there are more resources not to be shared. It is just completely different and we can’t even begin to make it the same. Though we still are fundamentally the same in parenting philosophy we just have so much more margin in our lives and we are just older. We also have seen which things mattered and which things did not and choose our battles accordingly. 
 

But- my boys are not jealous too much or don’t complain because the way it works is that dd shoulders the emotional load of tending to her parents 🙂  The boys are off launching their lives and they know that mom isn’t too lonely on Mothers’ Day or that there will be cake on her birthday and that someone will help her with the Christmas tree. In our family it has just fallen to a pretty acceptable trade off for everyone involved for my dd to have her place as “the baby” and for her to also carry the load of being there for the parents in a way that is freeing for the other kids. Not that I would intend to be a burden to my adult boys. I definitely don’t intend to lean on my dd and I do have every intent of letting her launch- but the different birth positions have kind of worked out in a way that everyone here has been able to live with. 
 

 

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Brittany1116 said:

Hmm. I can't think of any. They get the same screen time and bedtime. I am more likely to ask him for help on things and give him some money for it, but that isn't what you mean. He doesn't have or want a phone. I offered him the option of joining band or chess club at the local school and he declined. He has some opportunities for events and camps coming up that the younger one does not, but they aren't definite things yet. I will have to ponder this more and add privileges. Thank you.

You could add them. I was asking more because I was thinking that if he already had some, it might help him understand that the lighter load for his sibling is a function of age like the privileges are. Sort of the idea that taking an idea to a new context can sometimes help with mental flexibility. 🙂 

I sometimes chafed at my younger sibling getting privileges at younger ages than me, especially if it was something like a later bedtime even though he tended to be the kind of kid that "you are grumpy from lack of sleep" was voiced out loud for, lol! Other times I didn't mind as much, assuming I hadn't been asking for those same privileges at that age and was told no. 

I was a firstborn of two.