It’s thanksgiving again with my mom

[saraha]

44 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You're trying too hard with your sister. She might come around given time, but chasing her won't help.

You are totally right. This keeps up though I will have no one of my family. I should have known better.

Edited November 25, 2022 by saraha

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

You are totally right. This keeps up though I will have no one of my family. I should have known better.

You have your spouse and kids <3<3

[Faith-manor]

9 hours ago, saraha said:

Ugh, during my conversation about the visit today, I mentioned to my sister that she said something that hurt one of my dds feelings (the same one she was picking on the last time we stayed with her and why I won’t consider staying at my sisters any time soon) and now she’s upset with me. She didn’t apologize at the time I brought it up and we moved on to more discussion/venting about mom.

Now I guess sis has had time to think about me saying that what she said hurt dds feelings and is texting me saying all we do is complain and why do we get together at all etc. I was not expecting this, I thought we had a good visit as sisters and with the kids, played a game, worked around grandma. I just can’t win

That is so sad. But, it highlights the issue that maybe for a time she is not a good person for your family to be around. I know it hurts, however, the best response is probably, "I have been thinking about it, and I think it would be best if we did not spend time together for quite a while." I wouldn't go no contact, just limited contact. Phone only or email and mailed birthday/holiday cards with a couple of years of not getting together including this Christmas. I think your mom has some major issues to work through, and frankly, so does your sister. You have your own husband and children to think of, and the stress of sis and mom isn't going to allow you to be the best you for your family.

It is sad. But, I also get it and have been right there with you. I live one block from my brother, and due to the very egregious character issues with his wife, which he enables and makes worse, we have a text and "once or twice a year we see each other out for a walk and stop and share pleasantries" and nothing more. When we end up attending a funeral in the community, it is the same....basic pleasantries, and then move to opposite sides of the room. It is for the best this way so everyone can move on with life and not feel so anxiety riddled about having him, his wife, or both of them causing drama and tension.

I am really sorry! Hugs

[saraha]

6 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

You have your spouse and kids <3<3

That’s true.

[gardenmom5]

On 11/24/2022 at 12:43 PM, saraha said:

I swear when I type this out she sounds like she has dementia, but she does not. 

On 11/24/2022 at 1:00 PM, saraha said:

Oh! She keeps telling dd15 she can’t see to read and needs to turn on the light. Dd keeps saying I’m fine, there’s plenty of light coming in the window. She literally just got up, walked across the room, pulled the shade down and turned on the lamp. What is wrong with her?

My mother and grandmother had dementia.  She does not sound like she has dementia.  She sounds very controlling and manipulative. 

believe it or not - someone that controlling, does so out of such profound fear/insecurity/anxiety they want to control everything in their environment in order to feel 'safe'.  Of course - to quote Princess Leia - "the more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."

 

Even my controlling mil changed her behavior as her mind went.  She looped a lot, like a record with a scratch in it. (and she became paranoid . . . there was the NIGHT sil was awoken by a sheriff's deputy, who assured her there wasn't anybody out there casing the house.  Mil had called 911 insisting someone had stuck the barrel of a shotgun through the french doors of her room..  . .  No mil, the neighbors didn't' cut down the trees so they can spy on you.  It's winter, the leaves fell off the branches.  Her response wasn't to fight what she was told (which she would have done when "all there") she was 'merely' confused and uncomprehending.)

 

[Indigo Blue]

On Thanksgiving day, my mom laughed out loud at me in front of my family when I got up and held my son’s phone under the lamp light so I could more clearly see a painting of a horse he was showing me that was so detailed it looked like a photo. She laughed at me like that was such a dumb thing to do. I honestly don’t know why she thought that was so odd. She did seem to enjoy having an opportunity to laugh at me in front of everyone as if I were doing something stupid. 🤷‍♀️

I just completely ignored it. 

[Spryte]

Hugs, @Indigo Blue, I think you did great. You did what you needed to do, got through it, and you survived. And you did it with grace! Nice job!

Here — I did the family gatherings with people like that until I couldn’t. At first we did a slow down on contact, and then there was one final Thanksgiving that just slammed home for me that *this* was not the kind of holiday memory my kids needed. And that was that. 

[saraha]

Update…

We are doing Christmas today as our regular get together was canceled because of the storm. We have been here 15 minutes and already I’m in the bathroom messaging! Two weeks before Christmas she decided we were having pizza and called so I could tell her what toppings to get on 4 pizzas and to tell her exactly who would be eating which kind of pizza! Dh was like please tell me you didn’t assign people to specific pizzas, I didn’t I told I had no idea what kind of pieces of pizza people would eat.

My sister is not allowed to have any brownies for dessert for some infraction that happened in the 20 minutes between us arriving.
She bought nacho cheese dip but we have to eat it cold on crackers and she upset because no one is eating it. 😆

And mom spanked my sisters dog for being bad. 
15 minutes we’ve been here. 

[prairiewindmomma]

She has control issues for sure. Have you ever been blunt and said, “It looks like visits are really stressful for you and maybe make you feel a bit anxious?”

She’ll deny it of course, but hopefully she hears you acknowledge these are hard for her.

[saraha]

Oh my, now she is handing out their gifts. Some really cute mugs with hot chocolate, a tea bag and an envelope with money. She gets all 6 kids together and says, “now listen, there is a tea bag in there are you are supposed to make 2, count them kids, 2 cups of tea from that tea bag. Each mug has a ziplock bag for you to put your tea bag in to use the next day 😆😆😆

[regentrude]

33 minutes ago, saraha said:

Oh my, now she is handing out their gifts. Some really cute mugs with hot chocolate, a tea bag and an envelope with money. She gets all 6 kids together and says, “now listen, there is a tea bag in there are you are supposed to make 2, count them kids, 2 cups of tea from that tea bag. Each mug has a ziplock bag for you to put your tea bag in to use the next day 😆😆😆

Nuts. Just insane.

Edited December 30, 2022 by regentrude

[gardenmom5]

32 minutes ago, saraha said:

Oh my, now she is handing out their gifts. Some really cute mugs with hot chocolate, a tea bag and an envelope with money. She gets all 6 kids together and says, “now listen, there is a tea bag in there are you are supposed to make 2, count them kids, 2 cups of tea from that tea bag. Each mug has a ziplock bag for you to put your tea bag in to use the next day 😆😆😆

We need an eye roll emoji 🙄 in the reaction emojis . . . (the ones we use when we're not replying.)

[Tiberia]

Just roll with it and keep posting to us 😘

[Jean in Newcastle]

47 minutes ago, saraha said:

Oh my, now she is handing out their gifts. Some really cute mugs with hot chocolate, a tea bag and an envelope with money. She gets all 6 kids together and says, “now listen, there is a tea bag in there are you are supposed to make 2, count them kids, 2 cups of tea from that tea bag. Each mug has a ziplock bag for you to put your tea bag in to use the next day 😆😆😆

If she had gone through the Great Depression, like my parents did, I could understand this, actually.  (Even though we would still laugh about it.)  I'm assuming that your mom is a lot younger than my mom who died at age 96. 

[saraha]

9 minutes ago, Tiberia said:

Just roll with it and keep posting to us 😘

That’s my plan! We exchanged gifts. My kids got her each two restaurant gift cards, so 12 gift cards to 6 different restaurants and put each one in a card with the month labeled (a La their birthday cards) and a merry Christmas message. Dh was afraid that was too on the nose, but she really liked it! My kids each took the same amount of money and made themed gift baskets for my sister. As she opened each basket, my mom would say, my gift from kid is better. 🙄😆

[saraha]

My mom is only 65

[scholastica]

52 minutes ago, saraha said:

Oh my, now she is handing out their gifts. Some really cute mugs with hot chocolate, a tea bag and an envelope with money. She gets all 6 kids together and says, “now listen, there is a tea bag in there are you are supposed to make 2, count them kids, 2 cups of tea from that tea bag. Each mug has a ziplock bag for you to put your tea bag in to use the next day 😆😆😆

This makes me feel really sorry for your mom. What an anxious and emotionally unhealthy person she must be. It must be very hard to be her. Which in turn makes it hard to be in relationship with her. I’m glad you have found a way to guard your heart.

[saraha]

She’s content now, dh and oldest are sitting watching the Christmas movie she wants everyone to sit down and watch. The girls and my sister are playing a card game. I guess it doesn’t have to be everyone sitting and watching a movie (thanksgiving 🙄) if enough people are sitting watching it. It would almost make sense if she had like bought a movie or rented or planned a specific movie, but she just wants people sitting and watching whatever movie comes on the hallmark channel. If having us over stresses her out so much, then she should quit insisting we come. We could meet halfway at a restaurant or something.

[saraha]

Oh and did I mention we got to eat all the appetizers we wanted but we only had 30 minutes to do it? She put all the leftover appetizers away at exactly 30 minutes, except the pigs in a blanket. She just picked them up and dumped them in the trash “because they don’t reheat well” the kids were like nooooooo  as she didn’t ask if anyone wanted any.  She said well, you should have eaten them faster

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

If she had gone through the Great Depression, like my parents did, I could understand this, actually.  (Even though we would still laugh about it.)  I'm assuming that your mom is a lot younger than my mom who died at age 96. 

My first thought! My dad was a Great Depression kid but he grew out of the extreme things like reusing a tea bag for days. (Don’t touch his thermostat tho!😂). One of my ILs has childhood memories of serious poverty, and I can kind of imagine them gathering the kids around for a lesson in thrift. But as Jean points out and you confirm, your mom is kind of young for GD era habits. 

1 hour ago, saraha said:

That’s my plan! We exchanged gifts. My kids got her each two restaurant gift cards, so 12 gift cards to 6 different restaurants and put each one in a card with the month labeled (a La their birthday cards) and a merry Christmas message. Dh was afraid that was too on the nose, but she really liked it! My kids each took the same amount of money and made themed gift baskets for my sister. As she opened each basket, my mom would say, my gift from kid is better. 🙄😆

Oh brother. 
 

saraha maybe you and dh should take an extended RV vacation next November 15 through Jan 15, tour the country and excuse yourself from holidays with extended relatives altogether. 

[saraha]

8 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

My first thought! My dad was a Great Depression kid but he grew out of the extreme things like reusing a tea bag for days. (Don’t touch his thermostat tho!😂). One of my ILs has childhood memories of serious poverty, and I can kind of imagine them gathering the kids around for a lesson in thrift. But as Jean points out and you confirm, your mom is kind of young for GD era habits. 

Oh brother. 
 

saraha maybe you and dh should take an extended RV vacation next November 15 through Jan 15, tour the country and excuse yourself from holidays with extended relatives altogether. 

I wish!!!! That sounds fantastic 

[Indigo Blue]

43 minutes ago, saraha said:

If having us over stresses her out so much, she should quit insisting we come. We could meet halfway at a restaurant or something.

My mom has complained about Christmas in general for years. I just thought it was the general stress of the holidays, which I can understand. Then her complaining felt more personal and targeted, but I wasn’t sure. It was more focused on complaining about food, which we stopped doing at her house completely. Again, I understood and thought she’s not obligated to have food there. (To be clear, I helped with it all including clean up. We were not burdening  her). Still, when the food hassle stopped, she still complained about Christmas. Then I began to wonder what exactly she was stressing over, when there really was nothing to stress over. Many times before Christmas, she’d say to me “I don’t do Christmas.” “I’ll be glad when Christmas is over.” And “I hate Christmas.”

Then she’d ask when the boys would be home and when/if they would visit. Then she’d add “But eat before you come because there will be no food here.”

So we had breakfast one morning after Christmas, and drove an hour to her house. We stayed from 1:00 to 3:00. We were there 30 minutes, and she began to offer us taco soup! I had already told Dh how she was behaving, and it was just best to not eat there at all, even if she offered. So we visited during the hours we normally would have eaten lunch, but declined the soup. 
 

Before Christmas, she had set out two Christmas figurines on her front porch. Nothing more. During the visit, she commented that she had already taken down her Christmas decorations and declared that she was now done with Christmas. 
 

I just don’t get it. 
 

I don’t ask. I just try to keep things nice for the boys. 
 

Later, on the phone, she told me that no one had visited her on Christmas Day and that she sat and watched old movies and ate. She said she had the best Christmas ever. 
 

Forgot to add…..she unwrapped the one gift she had bought and wrapped that she did buy for a young toddler in the family. It was a Reborn doll. She had been talking about how “anatomically correct” it was and wanted to show me. So, in front of the whole family, she unwrapped the gift and showed me the baby, then pulled off the under garment to show how detailed it was “down there”. 
 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Faith-manor]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

Oh my, now she is handing out their gifts. Some really cute mugs with hot chocolate, a tea bag and an envelope with money. She gets all 6 kids together and says, “now listen, there is a tea bag in there are you are supposed to make 2, count them kids, 2 cups of tea from that tea bag. Each mug has a ziplock bag for you to put your tea bag in to use the next day 😆😆😆

She's losing it! Holy cow. I think it is safe to say that she can't really handle the visits, and has enough bizarre control issues,that it might be best in the future to meet once a year or maybe twice at a restaurant for an hour and not her house. 

The zip lock baggie for the tea bag is killing me. 😂

[saraha]

So I’m the one in the seat next to the window and she has started with the turning the light on. I parked myself here because thanksgiving she told dd15, who was sitting in this seat reading comic books with light coming in the window to turn the light on, and when she said she was fine and didn’t need the lamp, mom got up walked across the room, pulled the shade on the window down and turned the light on and told dd15 she was driving her crazy. She has been suggesting I turn the lamp on so I can see my phone better. I’m trying to see how long it will be before she comes over here and turns it on. It is legitimately getting dim in here so I wonder if she won’t do it because it is me sitting here and not one of the kids.

[saraha]

And there it is, she just stomped over here and said “You are making me nuts.” And turned the light on. I said “that’s not a very nice thing to say to someone.” She responded “well it’s not nice for you to sit over here in the dark making me nuts”

And did I tell the story of the kids guitar? 
 

[saraha]

Omg she just stomped back over here and said “I told you to turn on the light because you are making yourself blind and not listening to me.” So I said “ so the answer is to be mean?” And she said yes. I said “ how’s that working for you?” And she responded the light is on isn’t it?”  I said “yeah, because you came over here and turned it on. How is being mean working for you?” And she said “just fine, the light is on and that is all that matters” I just shrugged and said “we’ll, if that’s all that matters, is you get your way, then yeah being mean probably works pretty well then.” 
She just waved her hand at me and walked away and now I’m hiding in the bathroom again.

And I can hear her in the kitchen handing out brownies that were supposed to be for after pizza and telling my sister now remember you dont get any. I might not come out of the bathroom. 

[saraha]

Dh and the kids are playing spoons with my sister and having a good time

[Indigo Blue]

How much longer until you can leave?

[saraha]

We are supposed to go pick up pizzas at 6:00. As a son as we are done eating I am packing everyone up

 

[Tiberia]

Hang out in the bathroom with us, we don’t mind.

I’m glad the rest of the family is having fun. 
 

Give your sister a brownie and report back.
 

 

[freesia]

7 minutes ago, Tiberia said:

Hang out in the bathroom with us, we don’t mind.

I’m glad the rest of the family is having fun. 
 

Give your sister a brownie and report back.
 

 

Definitely give your sister a brownie !!! 😂 

[freesia]

Just now, freesia said:

Definitely give your sister a brownie !!! 😂 

Ooo and then say, mean is working well for me, too. 

[HomeAgain]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

If she had gone through the Great Depression, like my parents did, I could understand this, actually.  (Even though we would still laugh about it.)  I'm assuming that your mom is a lot younger than my mom who died at age 96. 

Tupperware made a teabag saver through the 1980s. 

My not-affluent family had at least 2.

[saraha]

Ok, so I put a brownie on a plate and quietly set it in front of her. It would have been fine but dd15 started giggling so mom came over, saw the plate and took it away! My sister said yeah, I guess I’ll wait til after pizza and laughed. She is coping better this time than thanksgiving 🤷🏼‍♀️

[LifeLovePassion]

My mom would talk about her mom making depression tea, but that's something else to give one tea bag and a ziploc as a gift. Hang out with us all you want!

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, saraha said:

My mom is only 65

A mere pup. 

(I’m 59, so…. 😉 )

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, freesia said:

Ooo and then say, mean is working well for me, too. 

😂😂😂😂 this!

Seriously, she is bonkers now. I am glad your sister is able to lay back and laugh.

Edited December 30, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Faith-manor]

I also double dog dare you to go turn that light off! 😁

[footballmom]

Maybe she needs the light on to ensure no brownies are being smuggled to those being punished?

[KSera]

I’m so confused about her punishing your sister by not allowing her a brownie. Did I miss something and your sister is still a child?

[saraha]

So picking up pizza was an adventure. We went to dominoes to pick up pizza, kid comes to register and asks name. Mom says I came in this morning and order pizza from that man and points to a man who is super busy. He says that’s ok, I can get it. Mom says no, I want that guy, he took my order. Kid says really I can handle it so I just say loudly Moms Name. He goes and gets our order. 
 

Now two weeks before Christmas she called me at work and insisted that she needed to know right then what kind of pizzas to get and who specific would eat them. I told her whatever she wants. She insisted she needed to know what the kids favorites were. I gave in and told her specifically ordering two pizzas with no meat as I have two who don’t eat meat. She said yuck after each pizza.
We get back to her house and every damn pizza has multiple Meats on it. Now in the normal world I would just tell the kids to pick it off, but she called me at work and carried on til I took time to tell her. I said, did you order a pizza with no meat and she’s like of course I did! Dominoes messed it up. I drove over there and ordered it in person. (dominoes hasn’t banned her yet) the slip very clearly had her order on it. 
Like it’s really not a big deal, but the idea that she insisted on knowing, then messed it up, then blamed dominoes, then sat down at the table and said she, meat lovers pizza is the best.

And now sis is like, can we please play one more game before you go as i started packing up 🙄

Edited December 30, 2022 by saraha

[Jean in Newcastle]

I’m amazed at your family’s patience. I realize that extreme anxiety is involved (at  the very least) but I would find it very difficult. 
 

[LifeLovePassion]

wow. no words. 

 

[saraha]

Mom told the kids they could change the channel and watch whatever they want. So they turned on Andy Griffith. She came back in and said “are we seriously watching this?!? Oh brother” and flipped into her recliner. My sister can tell I’m ready to go but she wants to keep hanging out with the kids so is starting another card game.

Edited December 31, 2022 by saraha
Flopped, if she would have flipped, that would have been something!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Leave them still wanting more…

[Jean in Newcastle]

And no texting afterwards!  

[saraha]

14 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

And no texting afterwards!  

Oh yes! I have learned that lesson!

[saraha]

My sister is doing so good with my kids that I’m torn between giving them plenty of time since she drove all this way and just going home. We’ve been here 6 hours now!

[Faith-manor]

18 minutes ago, saraha said:

My sister is doing so good with my kids that I’m torn between giving them plenty of time since she drove all this way and just going home. We’ve been here 6 hours now!

Six hours??? That is like an eternity. I mean, I know you want to keep things going with your sister, but I think I would leave before something really blows up, and then everyone is super angry.

For 2023, meet mom twice at a restaurant for 90 minutes. Meet sister far more often without mom if that is possible.

[Garga]

What is it with the pizza orders at Christmas? On Thanksgiving my MIL starts fretting about what kind of pizza everyone will want at Christmas, and she also calls my husband at work about it to fret over who will want what. My BIL gets all annoyed when she does this, “Ma! It’s Thanksgiving! I don’t know what topping I’m going to want a month from now!”

My MIL is nowhere (NOwhere) near as bad as your mom, but she does have lots of control issues which end up making her somewhat unhappy on holidays, which has nothing to do with the rest of us, but solely has to do with her need for too much control. She has lots of anxiety, but doesn’t think she does. From the outside looking in, we’re all like, “Oooooeee! MIL has a lot of anxiety!”

Edited December 31, 2022 by Garga