I am finally ok with being a bad daughter. Vent JAWM.

[Moonhawk]

I think I've passed a point of no return in my relationship with my parents.

I had let the kids go to my parents' house August 29 - Sept 1 on the condition that she and my dad did not go anywhere (except for Covid-protocol church) and the kids did not go anywhere. I was very clear about this being past my comfort level already, and that I was Really Serious about these restrictions if the kids went over. I said that if this didn't work the kids wouldn't go over again before either my parents or the kids were vaccinated. I said that I knew she did not agree with me and has disregarded my conditions in the past but I was Really Serious about this. (Please note, my parents go to multiple multiple stores/restaurants on a daily basis with no mask and are unvaccinated in a High Transmission area, which is why I asked for these conditions. I'm not trying to control their lives on a daily basis, let's not delve into how unreasonable I may be as I have heard it all already, multiple times, in two languages). Well, surprise surprise...they did not keep their end of the bargain.

So last week I had to tell them the kids would not be visiting Sept 18-22 as previously planned. I had 9 blissful days of silence after my mom hung up on me. She asked to speak with me last night to "clear the air." 

[I wrote out the whole conversation, but on re-read realize it doesn't really matter.]

I didn't actually feel anything when she was crying or saying her piece. I was patient and kind and did the right noises, but I didn't feel anything about it. I didn't even feel guilty. I am tired of it. I rolled my eyes at the idea that I'm blackmailing them, instead of them having to deal with the consequences of their choices. I rolled my eyes when she said my kids would be infertile because their DNA was changed if I got them vaccinated. I rolled my eyes at the idea that God is "pruning her", instead of her taking responsibility for her decisions.

I'm okay with being a disappointment and a bad daughter, because I realize that being their version of good is a) not that great and b) unachievable anyway. So I'll just be me instead, which I think has been working out mostly ok. Not perfect, lol, but mostly ok. 

Anyway. Thanks for listening. 

[Rosie_0801]

(((Hugs)))

[mommyoffive]

Sending some hugs.  That has to be so hard to deal with.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm sorry it came down to that instead of them just listening to you to begin with-that really sucks.  I'm glad you don't feel guilty because you didn't do anything wrong.  Also, well done!

[Katy]

Hugs.  You're absolutely, unequivocally right.  And you handled this with far more grace than I would have.

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[fraidycat]

You are doing the right thing. I want to give you huge kudos for setting and maintaining your boundaries, and I'm glad you've reached a place of being at peace with yourself and your decisions, despite your mom trying to guilt trip you.

And also big hugs because I'm sorry that it had to be this way.

[bibiche]

Yes, it sucks, but good for you!! You are a good mom, protecting and taking good care of your children. Big hugs to you. 

[Tanaqui]

Or she could've respected your one simple request.

You're not a bad daughter, and I think you know that. You're a good mom.

[Indigo Blue]

6 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

So I'll just be me instead, which I think has been working out mostly ok. Not perfect, lol, but mostly ok. 

I think that’s a good plan. I’ve had this exact same thought.

[BlsdMama]

I’m sorry. Even when parents don’t understand boundaries, they need to respect them, or at a bare minimum, respect an adult daughter. Two days isn’t difficult to comply to your requests, regardless of whether they felt they were reasonable. 

[LifeLovePassion]

BTDT. It really stinks big time. You are doing the right thing for your family. 

Edited September 15, 2021 by LifeLovePassion

[ktgrok]

Hugs. And hopefully you know this, but you are not being a bad daughter, you are being a good mom.

She's being a crappy mom and grandma. 

A mother's job is to protect her children, above all else. That is the number one job. And that is what you are doing. She should respect that you want to protect your kids, even if she doesn't agree with the risk assessment. To not do that is disrespectful of you as a parent. 

[Bambam]

I'm so sorry. It is hard when your parents won't recognize your parental authority to make decisions for your own children. I think you did the right thing, you made reasonable guidelines, and they couldn't follow them, so this is on them. Personally, I would not trust them again. 

[Harriet Vane]

Good job setting and maintaining an important boundary. Their choices are their own responsibility, not yours or the kids'.

[marbel]

2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I’m sorry. Even when parents don’t understand boundaries, they need to respect them, or at a bare minimum, respect an adult daughter. Two days isn’t difficult to comply to your requests, regardless of whether they felt they were reasonable. 

This is so good I had to repeat it. 

I often wonder why it is so hard for some people to view their adult children as capable adults and respect their decisions as parents. 

Better to be a good mom than a good daughter. You are doing fine! 

Edited September 15, 2021 by marbel

[gardenmom5]

11 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

I didn't even feel guilty.

I don't understand why you would feel guilt for enforcing a boundary you warned was there and she chose to break.

good for you that you didn't.

[MercyA]

You're doing the right thing. Good job! 

[kiwik]

They obviously cannot have the kids without you until the kids are old enough to drive themselves home.