My mom...sigh

[BakersDozen]

15 minutes ago, Danae said:

Didn't you say earlier that she's not allowed to be around the kids without you? 

Yes, she is not allowed to have the kids without me.

[fairfarmhand]

She will try constantly to get around the boundary. She’ll look for any reason, birthday, anniversary, whatever, to violate the boundary. Don’t let her do that. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Agreeing with the others. It’s also important to bring your kids into the big picture of the power dynamics also. They are all old enough (past 8 or so) to have experienced the crazy. We have had lots of talks with our kids about how narcissists work and the methods that they use so that our kids can handle things as young adults once I am no longer there to shield them. They don’t want to be manipulated into becoming flying monkeys.

[popmom]

42 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

Thank you...all of you. Again.

Have you read up on this much? I'm linking a book that was very helpful to me. My person--I do not believe has NPD. My person has BPD, and that is one of the reasons I will not cut off ties. Still, this book helped me to see how this person was systematically and consistently devaluing me over my lifetime every chance she got. It was oh so subtle, and I wouldn't have recognized it otherwise.

https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-Recognizing-Psychological/dp/099862134X/ref=asc_df_099862134X/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=270645996404&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11211224870714548679&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9012572&hvtargid=pla-449789031589&psc=1

Also, this one...

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/B08TX585RN/ref=sr_1_3?crid=2D5KL08GB9XCU&dchild=1&keywords=the+body+keeps+score+bessel+vanderkolk+md&qid=1626809014&s=books&sprefix=the+body+keeps+s%2Cstripbooks%2C186&sr=1-3

Edited July 20, 2021 by popmom
I can't spell

[popmom]

@BakersDozen adding one more because this was the first book I read that understood that not everyone can go "No Contact". She offers a way to heal while maintaining "detached contact". 

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-from-Hidden-Abuse-audiobook/dp/B071H78VTZ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=X2RXJCYBPSW4&dchild=1&keywords=healing+from+hidden+abuse&qid=1626809511&s=audible&sprefix=healing+from+%2Caudible%2C177&sr=1-1

Edited July 20, 2021 by popmom
deleted for privacy

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

The dc she asked for has a bday tomorrow so I'm assuming she called to try and set something up with him - go to lunch, etc. He is turning 11. WTH do I do?? I told dh last night that my mom will portray herself as the sickly sweet, wonderful Oma while shooting daggers both visual and verbal at me.

 

Don't call her back. She can put a card and gift in the mail. If she calls tomorrow and is nice, put her on speaker phone to say happy birthday to your son, and when she's done, say "Gotta go!", and hang up. 

I keep most of my relatives on speaker phone when they call for DS13 because they say weird stuff that I have to later explain. It was more of an issue when DS was younger, but I still keep one ear open for nonsense.

[BakersDozen]

4 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

If she calls tomorrow and is nice, put her on speaker phone to say happy birthday to your son, and when she's done, say "Gotta go!", and hang up. 

I never thought of that - thank you!

[BakersDozen]

In response to above (sans quote) - yes, 100%. I am "emotionally cold/distant" along with all sorts of other things. I refuse to be dramatic and engage in verbal/emotional warfare so I am labeled in all sorts of interesting ways. And then I start to question who and how I am...and around and around it goes. Head games. Mind games.

[BakersDozen]

10 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

I would think your immediate family may already have birthday plans for the day?

We do and she has always been told that she is welcome to join us. It's sad because we have 2 other gals - "grandmothers' - who take each dc out for lunch or shopping. But I trust them and in all the years we've known them they have not once said an unkind, hurtful word toward any of us. So my mom does not get that privilege given her behavior.

[saraha]

2 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

The dc she asked for has a bday tomorrow so I'm assuming she called to try and set something up with him - go to lunch, etc. He is turning 11. WTH do I do?? I told dh last night that my mom will portray herself as the sickly sweet, wonderful Oma while shooting daggers both visual and verbal at me.

 

Just don’t do it. Will dc be disappointed if she is not involved? If not, just save your self the upset. At 11, he’ll know something is off anyway. 

I am currently ignoring my mom after this weekends call where she wanted me to make a certain decision and I won’t so she threatened to get a gun and shoot herself if anything bad happens to my kids. She has called multiple times a day being saccharine sweet on messages and to my kids, but hasn’t called my cell phone at all, which is unusual because she usually calls me on that number.

[Shoeless]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

Just don’t do it. Will dc be disappointed if she is not involved? If not, just save your self the upset. At 11, he’ll know something is off anyway. 

I am currently ignoring my mom after this weekends call where she wanted me to make a certain decision and I won’t so she threatened to get a gun and shoot herself if anything bad happens to my kids. She has called multiple times a day being saccharine sweet on messages and to my kids, but hasn’t called my cell phone at all, which is unusual because she usually calls me on that number.

Yeah, to heck with that. That's some next-level toxic nonsense. 

[saraha]

5 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Yeah, to heck with that. That's some next-level toxic nonsense. 

Yeah, she is next level for sure. There is so much I could tell

[Shoeless]

10 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

We do and she has always been told that she is welcome to join us. It's sad because we have 2 other gals - "grandmothers' - who take each dc out for lunch or shopping. But I trust them and in all the years we've known them they have not once said an unkind, hurtful word toward any of us. So my mom does not get that privilege given her behavior.

It's unfortunate that your mom is *choosing* this sort of relationship when she could have something far sweeter and nicer.  But that's the key right there: she's *choosing* a toxic, divisive relationship rather than something pleasant.  

And before you think "Well, she's old and it gets harder to change the older you get", she's had her entire life to figure out better ways of relating to people. Has she tried at all to improve her relationships with her children? Ever? I'm going to bet that no, she hasn't put in much effort. I'm also going to be that you've put in a tremendous amount of effort.  That makes the relationship very imbalanced.  She has all the power; you have all the work. 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

In response to above (sans quote) - yes, 100%. I am "emotionally cold/distant" along with all sorts of other things. I refuse to be dramatic and engage in verbal/emotional warfare so I am labeled in all sorts of interesting ways. And then I start to question who and how I am...and around and around it goes. Head games. Mind games.

She is a horror who doesn't like you. Don't judge yourself by horrible people who don't like you.
Anger is your friend. You must learn to be angry instead of afraid. When you get good at that, you work on apathy rather than anger. It's a process and it takes a while, but you must learn to stop orienting yourself towards her. Her opinions about you are not you. Her opinions about you are about her because she's the one making stuff up. As we've said, it doesn't really matter what you do or don't do, you can't be good enough to make her stop being mean. She can't stop being mean because that would require her to acknowledge, to herself at least, what a dreadful person she's been and she's never going to be tough enough for that. 

[Rosie_0801]

7 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

And considering how many narcissistic women there are out there - it's good for our sons to see that too.  

Children who are subject to narcissistic abuse are going to grow up to be perps or victims themselves unless someone puts in a lot of work to avoid it, so yeah...
(I'll let you all know in twenty years whether my "lot of work" did the job.)

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Agreeing with the others. It’s also important to bring your kids into the big picture of the power dynamics also. They are all old enough (past 8 or so) to have experienced the crazy. We have had lots of talks with our kids about how narcissists work and the methods that they use so that our kids can handle things as young adults once I am no longer there to shield them. They don’t want to be manipulated into becoming flying monkeys.

I recall when I realized I was being groomed to take over the "enabler" roll for narcissists favorite/victim.  I quickly put a stop to it - even if I didn't have my own family, there was no way I was going to do that.
It's so demeaning to their victims.

Dr ramani addressed similar recently, and I've rarely seen her so passionate.  It's how the narcissist  destroys potential in their victims.  She was quite angry about it.

2 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

In response to above (sans quote) - yes, 100%. I am "emotionally cold/distant" along with all sorts of other things. I refuse to be dramatic and engage in verbal/emotional warfare so I am labeled in all sorts of interesting ways. And then I start to question who and how I am...and around and around it goes. Head games. Mind games.

Keep a written record of the nonsense she does. Whenever you doubt yourself - go back and read it.  (because narcissists will "be nice" when they want something or perceive you are starting to think for yourself and they want to reel you back in.)

I did that with my brother's nonsense - yeah, he really was that outrageous.

1 hour ago, saraha said:

Just don’t do it. Will dc be disappointed if she is not involved? If not, just save your self the upset. At 11, he’ll know something is off anyway. 

I am currently ignoring my mom after this weekends call where she wanted me to make a certain decision and I won’t so she threatened to get a gun and shoot herself if anything bad happens to my kids. She has called multiple times a day being saccharine sweet on messages and to my kids, but hasn’t called my cell phone at all, which is unusual because she usually calls me on that number.

I'd be sorely tempted to tell her to not make a mess, as she'll just have to clean it up anyways . . . .

[saraha]

@BakersDozen you have been so on my mind. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. (((Hugs)))

And to all the others who are and have had to cope with this, I wish I could give you the hugs you deserve too

Edited July 20, 2021 by saraha

[happi duck]

9 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

 

The impact on my husband… Don’t even get me started. He still struggles with learning what’s normal. His best parenting and spousal moments require serious conscious efforts even years after beginning to process everything. Thank goodness he’s basically a good guy by nature, because he was never really nurtured to look beyond his own needs/wants. 

This is so helpful.  Thank you for sharing!

[Indigo Blue]

@BakersDozen I want to tell you something that I wish my current self could go back and tell my younger, naive self with young children. I would want to say to educate yourself now, so you can better teach and protect your children. 

You do have this advantage. You can still come along side and guide them, not to tear your mom down in their eyes or divide the family but to make sure they understand how toxic people operate. You could read books together, etc.

It may not be easy through these years, but you could be better armed and can consciously and wisely consider how to respond when things get crazy. Your children can see you handle these things, and it could serve them well.

One day, your children will be out in this world as adults, and maybe you will be where I am now….in a position to put as much or as little physical or emotional distance as needed. 

I didn’t know a thing when my kids were that young. I just thought a narcissist was a conceited person. I sure didn’t know what “supply” was. I wish I could go back and handle some things differently, but my children understand now and they are fine. 

I hope some of this is encouraging to you!

ETA: We’ve lived an hour away while the kids were living at home. I think that really helped more than I can know.

Edited July 21, 2021 by Indigo Blue

[BakersDozen]

She called again. I made sure to answer and she said, "Hello, this is first last name. May I talk to dh, please?" I said he is not home, what can I help her with? She needs dh to help move something out of her vehicle, I said I would convey the message. She then asked to talk to ds. I asked what she needed and she said she needed to talk to ds about his bday. I told her she is welcome to come by and have cake and be with the family here tomorrow. She said she wanted to talk to ds about taking him out to breakfast or lunch and I took a very deep breath...and told her no. Silence on her end, then a demand as to why not. My response - just no. But she can come over tomorrow and be with the family. She hung up. I am shaking. I imagine the phone lines are burning as she makes her calls to my siblings and her friends.

This is so sad.

[Danae]

4 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

She called again. I made sure to answer and she said, "Hello, this is first last name. May I talk to dh, please?" I said he is not home, what can I help her with? She needs dh to help move something out of her vehicle, I said I would convey the message. She then asked to talk to ds. I asked what she needed and she said she needed to talk to ds about his bday. I told her she is welcome to come by and have cake and be with the family here tomorrow. She said she wanted to talk to ds about taking him out to breakfast or lunch and I took a very deep breath...and told her no. Silence on her end, then a demand as to why not. My response - just no. But she can come over tomorrow and be with the family. She hung up. I am shaking. I imagine the phone lines are burning as she makes her calls to my siblings and her friends.

This is so sad.

Good Job!  You did it!

Give yourself a giant high five and a tight hug, or get your DH to do so.

 

[Scarlett]

59 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

She called again. I made sure to answer and she said, "Hello, this is first last name. May I talk to dh, please?" I said he is not home, what can I help her with? She needs dh to help move something out of her vehicle, I said I would convey the message. She then asked to talk to ds. I asked what she needed and she said she needed to talk to ds about his bday. I told her she is welcome to come by and have cake and be with the family here tomorrow. She said she wanted to talk to ds about taking him out to breakfast or lunch and I took a very deep breath...and told her no. Silence on her end, then a demand as to why not. My response - just no. But she can come over tomorrow and be with the family. She hung up. I am shaking. I imagine the phone lines are burning as she makes her calls to my siblings and her friends.

This is so sad.

I did a sad face, but I also wanted to say you did great.  
 

She is something else.  

Edited July 21, 2021 by Scarlett

[Jean in Newcastle]

Good job, Bakers. You handled it perfectly. Giving in to her would not have led to happy memories. 

[fairfarmhand]

51 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

She called again. I made sure to answer and she said, "Hello, this is first last name. May I talk to dh, please?" I said he is not home, what can I help her with? She needs dh to help move something out of her vehicle, I said I would convey the message. She then asked to talk to ds. I asked what she needed and she said she needed to talk to ds about his bday. I told her she is welcome to come by and have cake and be with the family here tomorrow. She said she wanted to talk to ds about taking him out to breakfast or lunch and I took a very deep breath...and told her no. Silence on her end, then a demand as to why not. My response - just no. But she can come over tomorrow and be with the family. She hung up. I am shaking. I imagine the phone lines are burning as she makes her calls to my siblings and her friends.

This is so sad.

Whew! That’s over with. You handled it perfectly? And you are okay. And it’s fine if she calls the world. Really. Those who matter will give you the benefit of the doubt and not care what she says. 

[saraha]

56 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

She called again. I made sure to answer and she said, "Hello, this is first last name. May I talk to dh, please?" I said he is not home, what can I help her with? She needs dh to help move something out of her vehicle, I said I would convey the message. She then asked to talk to ds. I asked what she needed and she said she needed to talk to ds about his bday. I told her she is welcome to come by and have cake and be with the family here tomorrow. She said she wanted to talk to ds about taking him out to breakfast or lunch and I took a very deep breath...and told her no. Silence on her end, then a demand as to why not. My response - just no. But she can come over tomorrow and be with the family. She hung up. I am shaking. I imagine the phone lines are burning as she makes her calls to my siblings and her friends.

This is so sad.

Woohoo! That must have been hard. Great job! I hope tomorrow goes drama free for bday kid

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

She called again. I made sure to answer and she said, "Hello, this is first last name. May I talk to dh, please?" I said he is not home, what can I help her with? She needs dh to help move something out of her vehicle, I said I would convey the message. She then asked to talk to ds. I asked what she needed and she said she needed to talk to ds about his bday. I told her she is welcome to come by and have cake and be with the family here tomorrow. She said she wanted to talk to ds about taking him out to breakfast or lunch and I took a very deep breath...and told her no. Silence on her end, then a demand as to why not. My response - just no. But she can come over tomorrow and be with the family. She hung up. I am shaking. I imagine the phone lines are burning as she makes her calls to my siblings and her friends.

This is so sad.

You did it!  you stood up to her and maintained boundaries!   You were polite.  You should be proud of yourself for doing  a hard thing.

you are teaching your children how to stand tall.

It is sad - but it's her, not you.

[BakersDozen]

12 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

It is sad

Goodness, how true three words are.

Yes, dh is 100% in support of me. And to his credit, he is saying nothing to her. When we were first married it would have been WWIII between him and her. I'm amazed at how he is not giving into his anger toward her and treating her with self-control.

 

 

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

And you are okay

That's funny...I kept repeating that to myself over and over...kind of like I do when I'm in labor: "OK...OK...I'm OK...OK...it's OK..." How ridiculous that one human being can have this effect on me.

Thank you all for helping me prepare for that conversation. I would not have known what to say or how to respond.

 

[Shoeless]

You did it!  You are a rock star! Seriously, this is a big thing you did. What she did is just flipping weird. Referring to herself by first and last name? Drama queen weird. Wanting to talk to DH and DS, but not you? Divisive. You can bet she'd try to influence them to take her side, and that is ugly and corrosive to your relationship with your son and husband.

She'll soon start playing the helpless old lady card to make you look mean. "Oh, I just needed help and Bakersdozen wouldn't let her husband help me! Oh, I am just a poor old grandma and Bakersdozen won't let me wish happy birthday to my grandson! Oh, poor me! I have a mean daughter! Life has done me wrong!" 

Meh. When the toxic old lady in my life claimed I was being sooooo mean and sent flying monkeys to talk to me, I leaned into the role and said "Yep, I am super mean. That's just how I am, so deal with it".  (Was I actually mean? Not at all. I was very firm about boundaries though, which everyone equated with "mean".)

 

[mommyoffive]

Good for you.   I hope it gets a bit easier going forward.  

I am sorry that your mom treats you and your children this way.  It is so sad.  I have complicated and sad relationship with my mom too.  Sending you some hugs.

[Kassia]

You did fantastic!  And I agree it is sad on so many levels, but you did the right thing for you and your family.  Big hugs to you and I hope you all enjoy this very special day.  Hang in there - it will get easier!  

 

 

[Scarlett]

On 7/20/2021 at 10:09 PM, MissLemon said:

You did it!  You are a rock star! Seriously, this is a big thing you did. What she did is just flipping weird. Referring to herself by first and last name? Drama queen weird. Wanting to talk to DH and DS, but not you? Divisive. You can bet she'd try to influence them to take her side, and that is ugly and corrosive to your relationship with your son and husband.

She'll soon start playing the helpless old lady card to make you look mean. "Oh, I just needed help and Bakersdozen wouldn't let her husband help me! Oh, I am just a poor old grandma and Bakersdozen won't let me wish happy birthday to my grandson! Oh, poor me! I have a mean daughter! Life has done me wrong!" 

Meh. When the toxic old lady in my life claimed I was being sooooo mean and sent flying monkeys to talk to me, I leaned into the role and said "Yep, I am super mean. That's just how I am, so deal with it".  (Was I actually mean? Not at all. I was very firm about boundaries though, which everyone equated with "mean".)

 

Yes. I had to read her post several times because it is so bizarre to me. 

And the nerve of her calling repeatedly for her SIL and treating her daughter like a secretary.  
 

@Indigo BlueI am pretty sure she will always be this way. You can’t change her.  Some parts will get worse as she ages but other parts will be easier.  Regardless you can handle her.  You and your family just need to keep good boundaries like you did in that last phone call. 

Edited July 23, 2021 by Scarlett
I just realized I tagged Indigo Blue and meant BakersDozen...but I think the advice applies to both.

[Garga]

On 7/20/2021 at 8:25 PM, BakersDozen said:

She called again. I made sure to answer and she said, "Hello, this is first last name. May I talk to dh, please?" I said he is not home, what can I help her with? She needs dh to help move something out of her vehicle, I said I would convey the message. She then asked to talk to ds. I asked what she needed and she said she needed to talk to ds about his bday. I told her she is welcome to come by and have cake and be with the family here tomorrow. She said she wanted to talk to ds about taking him out to breakfast or lunch and I took a very deep breath...and told her no. Silence on her end, then a demand as to why not. My response - just no. But she can come over tomorrow and be with the family. She hung up. I am shaking. I imagine the phone lines are burning as she makes her calls to my siblings and her friends.

This is so sad.

Good job! It must have been soooo hard, but you did it! I’m so proud of you.

I had my first run in with a narcissist 2 months ago and it was just horrible. I shook for hours and hours, so I get what you’re saying about shaking.

To get through my episode with Narc, I relied on what I knew about narcissists from all the past threads here on the hive.  

(Deleted the story, because I’m a little paranoid about Narcissists and don’t want the story out there online.)

Anyway…I’m just so sorry for anyone dealing with this. After that one episode, I don’t know how you don’t completely cut the narcs out of your lives, though I understand it’s not always that simple.

I just can’t imagine having someone like Narc as my mother. I feel such sympathy for all of you dealing with someone like that as a close family member.

Edited July 22, 2021 by Garga

[Indigo Blue]

@Gargayou poor thing. I’m just so glad you won’t ever have to deal with that person again! 
 

(You gave me a bit of a laugh, though, because when I first read your post through, I read it as you literally said to her, “Wow, Narc, wow!” I was thinking no, Garga! That’s not the way to do it! Lol! 😂🤣

But you did great. 
 

I sure hope things went well today, @BakersDozen. Been thinking about you today.

[BakersDozen]

2 hours ago, Garga said:

I knew from all my reading here that narcissists need to feel worshiped and special. Talking reasonably would just enrage her. She needed to be The Wise One and I needed to be in Awe of Her.

This resonates with me because I try so.stinking.hard to have self-control and talk reasonably, and it never works with my mom. Never. Which bewilders me until I remind myself (again) of what everyone here has shared about narcissists. It is mind boggling.

Your experience...whew, talk about a tough situation! Glad it worked out for you!

Lol, I also thought Garga actually called someone by "Narc"! 🙂

[BakersDozen]

34 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I sure hope things went well today, @BakersDozen. Been thinking about you today.

Today has been lovely. It rained most of the day so we stayed inside and opened gifts slowly, played games, watched a movie, went to the rink, and now dh has the entire tribe tormenting the teenage workers at Sonic for Happy Hour. I thought of my mom all day and how much she is missing because of her behavior choice...how sad. But I've heard nothing from her or my siblings. Yet. It's coming...

[Rosie_0801]

7 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

Today has been lovely. It rained most of the day so we stayed inside and opened gifts slowly, played games, watched a movie, went to the rink, and now dh has the entire tribe tormenting the teenage workers at Sonic for Happy Hour. I thought of my mom all day and how much she is missing because of her behavior choice...how sad. But I've heard nothing from her or my siblings. Yet. It's coming...

It's worse than sad. It's stupid.

[Shoeless]

10 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

Today has been lovely. It rained most of the day so we stayed inside and opened gifts slowly, played games, watched a movie, went to the rink, and now dh has the entire tribe tormenting the teenage workers at Sonic for Happy Hour. I thought of my mom all day and how much she is missing because of her behavior choice...how sad. But I've heard nothing from her or my siblings. Yet. It's coming...

And you can ignore as much of their antics as you like.  ❤️ 

[saraha]

Glad the day went well! I’m sure you were holding your breath and that dimmed the day a little, but glad the fallout didn’t spoil the day!

[BakersDozen]

Quick update: I have not heard from my mom at all. She is now contacting my oldest still at home and asking for favors/help - things for which my mom would previously have called/sent a message to me. Thankfully, dd is very busy and unable to go over to my mom's. Friday night my mom asked dd to come put the sheets on my mom's bed (dd and I make beds like my mom prefers). Dd responded that she was not available but my mom should call the house and see who could come help. My mom did not, of course, call, rather waited until my oldest dd (married) was there the next day and asked her to help.

How long can this continue??

[mathnerd]

2 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

My mom did not, of course, call, rather waited until my oldest dd (married) was there the next day and asked her to help.

How long can this continue??

You got a lucky break, so enjoy the peace and quiet! As long as she is giving you the silent treatment, you are off the hook and you don't have to deal with her. Narcissistic Rage and Silent Treatments don't last forever.

[Jean in Newcastle]

4 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

Quick update: I have not heard from my mom at all. She is now contacting my oldest still at home and asking for favors/help - things for which my mom would previously have called/sent a message to me. Thankfully, dd is very busy and unable to go over to my mom's. Friday night my mom asked dd to come put the sheets on my mom's bed (dd and I make beds like my mom prefers). Dd responded that she was not available but my mom should call the house and see who could come help. My mom did not, of course, call, rather waited until my oldest dd (married) was there the next day and asked her to help.

How long can this continue??

Until they say consistently say no, probably. 

[popmom]

Quote

 

Add me to the list of those very grateful for the advice in this thread. I may have to start my own. Detached contact is no longer working. I am currently receiving the silent treatment, too. 

[BakersDozen]

5 hours ago, Seasider too said:

Do your dds feel free to say no to her?

Dd18 (about to head to college) has no problem saying 'no' to her.

Dd 25 is a people pleaser and won't tell my mom no. Although my mom's behavior is getting worse and dd says she is getting tired of the "abuse and demands/expectations." But she'll most likely have her dh handle it which will not be pretty.

[BakersDozen]

Dd25 was coming into town with her new baby on Wednesday and asked my mom to come over to our house (2 streets down) and join the family for an evening of laughter and fun. My mom said no. Dd also asked if she could stop by yesterday and just say 'hi' briefly but my mom, who left for a trip this morning takes 3-4 days to pack for a trip, said no. Dd18 invited my mom to come over this last week and visit since my mom won't be here when dd leaves for college. My mom said no.

She has somehow gathered lady friends from whatever church she is now attending (I was sore tempted to leave notes on their windshields last week warning them to hold on to their checkbooks, retirement funds, furniture, etc.) so she has her circle of those who will dote on my mom, tsk tsk over her lot in life, etc.

She's gone for another month. Thank goodness.

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

Dd25 was coming into town with her new baby on Wednesday and asked my mom to come over to our house (2 streets down) and join the family for an evening of laughter and fun. My mom said no. Dd also asked if she could stop by yesterday and just say 'hi' briefly but my mom, who left for a trip this morning takes 3-4 days to pack for a trip, said no. Dd18 invited my mom to come over this last week and visit since my mom won't be here when dd leaves for college. My mom said no.

She has somehow gathered lady friends from whatever church she is now attending (I was sore tempted to leave notes on their windshields last week warning them to hold on to their checkbooks, retirement funds, furniture, etc.) so she has her circle of those who will dote on my mom, tsk tsk over her lot in life, etc.

She's gone for another month. Thank goodness.

And this is all still over the boots? 

I hope you can see how bananas this situation is. 

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Dd25 was coming into town with her new baby on Wednesday and asked my mom to come over to our house (2 streets down) and join the family for an evening of laughter and fun. My mom said no. Dd also asked if she could stop by yesterday and just say 'hi' briefly but my mom, who left for a trip this morning takes 3-4 days to pack for a trip, said no. Dd18 invited my mom to come over this last week and visit since my mom won't be here when dd leaves for college. My mom said no.

She has somehow gathered lady friends from whatever church she is now attending (I was sore tempted to leave notes on their windshields last week warning them to hold on to their checkbooks, retirement funds, furniture, etc.) so she has her circle of those who will dote on my mom, tsk tsk over her lot in life, etc.

She's gone for another month. Thank goodness.

sil had to tell the women at church to "NOT take (mil) shopping!"   under any circumstances and no matter what sob story she gave them.  Or they'd live to regret it. 

(I'm sure the one woman who took her shopping - and ended up storing the junk in her trunk for two weeks (she got off lightly) - shared her experience with others.)

23 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

And this is all still over the boots? 

I hope you can see how bananas this situation is. 

Think of the boots as a symptom.  It's about the loss of power/control.

[BakersDozen]

6 hours ago, MissLemon said:

And this is all still over the boots? 

The boots and me not giving in to my mom's demand to return the boots so she could purchase them. Oh, and telling her that she is selfish. And not playing the game of "Hi, this is Ann."

Or it's about us drawing and maintaining the boundary of decent, acceptable behavior which is not something my mom wants anyone doing as far as she is concerned.

 

 

6 hours ago, Seasider too said:

She’s showing your kids her true colors. 

Which makes me want to cry because what she is giving up...no, throwing away...is not worth this anger and need to hurt others because she is upset.

[Indigo Blue]

33 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

The boots and me not giving in to my mom's demand to return the boots so she could purchase them. Oh, and telling her that she is selfish. And not playing the game of "Hi, this is Ann."

Or it's about us drawing and maintaining the boundary of decent, acceptable behavior which is not something my mom wants anyone doing as far as she is concerned.

 

 

Which makes me want to cry because what she is giving up...no, throwing away...is not worth this anger and need to hurt others because she is upset.

So true. I’m sorry.

[Shoeless]

It's truly her loss. 

[Danae]

1 hour ago, BakersDozen said:

Which makes me want to cry because what she is giving up...no, throwing away...is not worth this anger and need to hurt others because she is upset.

If she were a different person she’d have different priorities and behave differently.  But she’s not. You should stop prioritizing the desires of the person you wish she was and center the well-being of your children and yourself.