Cell Phone Rules for Young Teen

[NewIma]

If your teen has a phone with strict limits on it, what are your rules? We are considering giving our dd13 a phone so she can talk/chat with her friends. I want to limit usage, but can't think of what would be good rules to do that. I want usage to be really limited- like an hour a day? But I can't think of a practical way to do that. Obviously, not during school, meals, or activities, but what else.... I wish we still just used home phones. That would be so much easier to navigate. 

I feel like this could be the end of an era and that makes me really sad.  On the other hand, I worry she is missing out socially.  When I was her age I was talking to my friends on the phone ALL the time. lol

Please share your rules and how you have navigated this quagmire,  particularly if you are trying to really limit your teen's usage!   Thanks!

[1GirlTwinBoys]

My kids were not allowed to text or talk after 9:30 at that age.  

[BusyMom5]

Maybe instead of a phone let her get a messaging app that her friends use.  My teens only text, rarely call.  If they do want to call they can use my phone, but honestly teens here do not talk on the phone!  We ended up getting our teens TracFones but no talking time- they dont need or want it.  They use WiFi instead.  It's free most places they go.

[Ali in OR]

Phone is charged overnight in a location that is not her bedroom.
Our dd loses wifi access at some hour dh has set (I think it's 10pm--she's 17). She doesn't want to use up her data allotment so she stops phone usage at that time.
General guidance on safe phone usage (posting in public places, privacy on Instagram, etc., careful with photos)

For that young, emphasize that the phone belongs to the parents but she is allowed to use it. You can take it any time if you feel you need to.
 

[Ottakee]

I installed qustodio .  So far I like it.  They have a free version and a paid version which gives you much more control.

Definitely time limits. Also, charge the phone overnight in your room.   

[MEmama]

The thing with strict limits is that any half way savvy teen can easily figure out ways around them. There are unlimited ways, and you’ll never have any idea. Sorry if that’s unpopular and leads some people to think “well not MY kid”, but yes, your kid. Figuring out tech is as simple as breathing for this generation who has had it available their entire lives (even the strictly prohibited kids).

I think more effective than trying to be strict is to encourage and model reasonable guidelines, keeping in mind the very real social (etc) role that tech plays. Not having a phone in the school room/workspace, plugging it in the kitchen at night (no phones in bedroom), and so forth are good guidelines for all of us. Pretending that we can limit access to certain apps or placing unreasonable limits on time just encourages teens to figure out ways around rules that don’t make sense to them. 
 

 

[Bambam]

We didn't have strict limits.

I allowed phone use after you got up till it was time to start school (8 am) here. My kids used their phones to read current events while eating breakfast.

No phone use until school was done for the day. Now this changed as they started dual credit classes as they took their phone with them, but still it went back to not being used when they were back home from dual credit - if school wasn't done by then.

No phone use after a specific evening time. Phone was charged in living room and remained there all night. 

I wanted them to learn to monitor/control their own usage. It was a learning experience. You broke the rules, your phone was my phone for a specific number of days (no usage, but you still got to take it to DC classes/work - but I dropped you off right before class and picked you up right after.) If there were repeated offenses packed too closely together, phone was my phone for a LOT longer. 

Both kids are in college now. One seems to have maintained her self-control with phone usage. The one who rarely used her phone (and didn't even want a phone but needed a way to contact us when away from home) seems to use her phone more than other now. 

[Miss Tick]

We were able to discuss what guidelines seemed reasonable. We discussed sleep hygiene, school distraction, and addiction hallmarks. In the end my dc and I agreed to allowing phone use between 3 and 8 pm once school work and chores are done on three weekdays. On the weekends they are available after noon. At night they get charged outside of their bedrooms. This is all handled fairly casually, so may not fit your request, but two years in it has been very effective and applies well to other electronics also. When issues have arisen it is nice to be able to go back to the mutually agreed guidelines.

[Katy]

56 minutes ago, SusanC said:

We were able to discuss what guidelines seemed reasonable. We discussed sleep hygiene, school distraction, and addiction hallmarks. In the end my dc and I agreed to allowing phone use between 3 and 8 pm once school work and chores are done on three weekdays. On the weekends they are available after noon. At night they get charged outside of their bedrooms. This is all handled fairly casually, so may not fit your request, but two years in it has been very effective and applies well to other electronics also. When issues have arisen it is nice to be able to go back to the mutually agreed guidelines.

 

We do something like this too.  We also discussed how many sexual predators pretend to be kids on apps and try to groom kids into being victims.

[Guest]

No phones in bedrooms, ever, no phones when friends are over-talk to them in person, no phones at the dinner table. 

[rebcoola]

 They get 1 hour a day on their games the phone block it at the end of time.  No social media yet.  Internet is blocked on their phones.  Their phones are setup so they can't change account settings, download things from app store  Yes they could get around stuff if they really wanted I'm sure.  Blocking stuff is one way of making our rules clear and helping avoid temptation.  

 

Edited January 22, 2020 by rebcoola

[alisoncooks]

My 13 yr old has some limits for her cell phone:

No phone in the bedroom . (When she's home, it's generally on an end table).  She's aware that I am allowed to look through her texts/discord whenever, with no warning. (I haven't yet but I can.) She's not to give her phone # out to anyone she doesn't know fairly well. Never open any links someone sends you. No google searching without permission. 

Other than that, I don't regulate screen time.  If I think she's been chatting (texting) for too long, I'll drop a none-to-subtle hint to wrap it up. 

[teachermom2834]

Super unpopular opinion but here goes- I hold off on giving dc phones until I'm pretty ready to let go. I tried all the rules/safety apps/etc with my oldest kids and it was sometimes ineffective but always a PITA. The amount of time spent talking about phones, monitoring phones, making decisions about phones, handing out discipline regarding phone infractions, etc was just too much for me. With my next couple kids I decided to hold off as long as possible and then give them only what they need. What that ended up looking like was a flip phone in 8th grade for my ds basically because I would drop him off places and even though he could borrow a phone to contact me if needed, I could not get a hold of him if I needed to change plans, etc. So in 8th grade he got a flip phone and he was allowed to use it to call and text friends and it goes on my nightstand when I turn in for the night. When he did need a smartphone (and most active kids do come to a point where their activity participation is hampered by lack of  smartphone- such as leadership teams and groups that communicate via various apps and group messages) we did get him an iphone. No social media or safari or YouTube or anything he didn't have a need for. He has added apps as needed. We let him add IG around the time he turned 16. He knows we have the right to check anything and it still goes on my nightstand at night. I actually have IG on my phone logged into his account so I have access to his account at any time. So basically a very slow unfurling of phone privileges as necessary along with an understanding on my part that I cannot control and monitor it all. That is a false sense of security, IMO.

My 6th grade dd is no where close to need for a phone but we will take the same approach and let the privileges unfold as necessary.

I would love to be anti-phone but they really do have a need for them at some point. Or even if they don't need one the benefit of having one outweighs the trouble. For example, my 11th grader had to get WhatsApp because that is how his ACT prep class communicates. So if we wanted to take the class, he needed the app. Of course he didn't need it in a life or death sort of way but he did to take this class to further his goals. Once kids start working their bosses will expect to be able to text them, etc. 

With my oldest ds I really broke down and got him the phone because I felt like he was being left out socially and I felt guilty. It wasn't a good reason in our situation to open up the door on all that. 

[mom2scouts]

My 13 year old dd doesn't have a phone. Our computer is in our living room and password protected and the kids have to ask me to log on. I don't strictly limit computer time and dd is able to send messages and receive text messages from her friends by email. For now it allows us to limit stuff while not totally cutting her off from the way teens communicate. Our older kids didn't get a phone until they were driving, but it's getting harder and harder to wait that long and she's much more social than the next oldest child, so I'll see how long we can last until it seems she is missing out socially or really needs it for safety.

[caedmyn]

You might look into Gab Wireless.  It's a very basic smartphone that only has a few apps and no more can be added.  Idk if there's a way to limit the time on those phones, but at least they have the built-in restrictions on content which is nice. IIRC the phone are $99 and service is $20/mo.

[fairfarmhand]

WE don't do phones until driving age or first job. 

My kids do have texting apps on ipads. 

1. You get your texting app by the grace of mom and dad. You mess up....I've always wanted an iPad. 

2. No texting during school.

3. If it gets excessive, I'll say something and my kids have been remarkably receptive to conversations about "Wise usage of time" 

4. No texting after bedtime. 

5. No texting people you've never met in person. Face to face. Kids can get in texting groups and I don't want them texting with random strangers, even a friend of a friend.

[Farrar]

We don't have strict limits... but if I was going to make strict limits, I'd set a time each day that the phone could be checked out and otherwise I'd keep it myself. An hour seems incredibly limited to me though. I would say from the end of your school day until dinner. So, I would assume 3ish to 6ish assuming there aren't other commitments, in which case oh well, you don't need the phone to go to choir rehearsal or soccer practice or whatever. I don't trust tech solutions for limitations. Kids always can find a way around.

If you'd like to avoid the phone but still let her text friends, there are ways to set that up on a computer or on a non-SIM enabled device like an iPad or a Kindle Fire.

I do think that kids not having access to text is tricky for friendships these days. They don't call each other. They just text. Even if they did call, it's very weird to call someone else's phone these days. Phones are now individual. And I do think it's mostly inappropriate for adults to be making the plans for a 13 yo. It's not age appropriate. If you have a kid in school all day then it's a little easier to get around it. But if a kid is homeschooled and sees friends sporadically... it leaves not a ton of options that are being used by kids.

If you want to put a ban on social media of other sorts - as in anything that isn't texting or calling, then do that, but you'll need to check the phone.

[Terabith]

This probably wouldn’t work for many kids or families, but we don’t have rules surrounding cell phones, but we haven’t really had rules about anything for a pretty long time.  We have lots and lots of talking, especially about issues surrounding social media and sexuality and the internet. Our goal has been the ability to self regulate, and we figure that’s better practiced with low stakes.  We had started off with no phones after a certain time at night, but kids had explained they like to listen to music and use meditation apps while going to sleep, so we relented.  The Internet is the vehicle for much of their social life.  We do have a parent who is a member of any social media they use (instagram and discord).  We talk a lot about what they’re encountering and doing online.  But we don’t mandate, in accordance with our philosophy of what my husband calls aikido parenting.  

[Spryte]

We don’t have a perfect system, and I’ve learned that kids really can get around most anything.

We didn’t want a dumb phone because there are a few smartphone features we wanted for our kid.  So he has an iPhone that’s pretty locked down.  No safari (browser) because he doesn’t need the internet in his pocket, we have other resources for that.  Apps, etc he has to check in with us before downloading. No social media.  Basically he can text, FaceTime, make calls, use GarageBand, camera, iMovie or equivalent on the phone, etc.  Most of the apps he has are creative apps - meaning he makes or creates something with them. We are picky about those because some apps of that sort share creations by other users and there are some weird rabbit holes out there. He has audible and kindle, too, but he’s not a game kid so no games.

The phone goes on my nightstand every night around 8 pm, and he gets it after we’re done with school each weekday, earlier in weekends.  Some days he doesn’t need/want it.  
 

He and his friends primarily text, with some FaceTiming.  I do think it’s important for kids to communicate, and wow, do they text a lot. 🙂

He knows we can read his texts, etc, and check his phone, but we don’t do that often.  

[NewIma]

Thank you all for your replies. There are so many ways to approach this  and I really appreciate hearing how different families address this issue.  Farrar mentioned that she thinks it is not age approriate for 13 year olds to have their parents making their social plans for them, and I agree, but that is where we are at because she doesn't have a phone. I think we do need to allow either texting on a tablet or a locked down phone so she can have more autonomy.  AHHH!!! Thank you all so much. DH and I will be discussing this more.

[Spryte]

Hey, I forgot to add one part about the locked down iPhone.  We wanted GPS on it.  Not that our kid is going anywhere he shouldn’t, but when he’s out and about on his own, I like knowing we can find him, or EMTs can.  He has a lot of severe allergies, so this felt like an important safety feature for him.  I didn’t find a dumb phone what had GPS (didn’t look that hard, really!).

[Spryte]

9 minutes ago, kand said:

If you’re wanting to restrict browser access, be aware some apps have backdoor access to a browser even if you have Safari disabled. Notably, any of the google apps (like Google docs). We found that out the hard way. You can often tell something is being abused by seeing a weird pattern of behavior in their screentime settings (on iPhone). Like more than an hour spent in their period tracking app 🤔 (that was a browser backdoor issue). 

Yes.  So many, many apps have this.  Beware art and photoshop sharing apps.  Also, some music apps.  (Sigh)

Some kids won’t have an issue with those, but some do.  You know your kid best.