Transitions - Experienced Mommas, Help!

[LGW]

Hi Community. 

I have three kiddos. Two school-aged girls (4th @ 9years and 2nd @ 7years) and then a 3yr-old boy. We have homeschooled since the very beginning and my girls have never attended school until now. My children take violin/viola and practice Brazillian Jiujitsu and have friends through those activities. Up until the last two years (their brother needed a nap schedule), we were involved in play groups & co-ops - but these past two years have been a little more sparse in the regular interaction with other homeschool students and families.

Recently (also in the past two years), I have been struggling with health issues - what we can guess (doctors) - subacute lupus that is affecting the skin and to some degree the joints.  This past summer it reached a new level of urgency in finding a diagnosis and treatment. So, we enrolled the girls in a very good school district (#5 in the state) - located 30 minutes from our house. My second grader wants to come home. My 4th grader has buddies (and is type A and thrives in a classroom) and doesn't really want to come back. My 3 year old and I spend 3 hours in the car every day - and frankly, it's taxing. 

I'm so incredibly torn. Selfishly, I want my kids to come back....if the "break" was to help me reduce stress - driving so much is stressful, leaving the house early the feelings of rushing around are stressful, seeing that the curriculum is REALLY limited is stressful. BUT MY CHILDREN ARE "THRIVING" - they were thriving before - but I guess it's just so nice for other people to tell me. 

On the other hand - my girls are obviously stressed. Super well behaved, happy, and popular at school, but at home, we are dealing with SO MUCH 'TUDE & disrespectful behavior. 

Will I destroy my relationship with my older kid forever if I bring her home and she's not fully behind it? 

Has anybody walked through a season like this? 

Thanks for listening. 

[MaBelle]

My gut would be to bring them home.  Older dd needs to play on the family team and do what works for all.  Later she might have an opportunity to do something different.

[Terabith]

Honestly, your oldest is at the age where I tend to start offering choices about school, because it becomes a lot harder to homeschool an unwilling kid.  But no way would I spend three hours in the car!  That's insane.  I would not give the option to attend a school that required three hours of commute time.  

[Pen]

3 hours per day driving is a lot—and for most parents even if well “too much”!  Certainly way too much when you are being met with ‘tude and when you are having health issues.  

I suggest pulling the kids back to homeschool in a more calm and homebound way.  

If older dd behaves well during homeschooling look into possible middle school options for her —closer so as not to require long drive.  Or possibly offer a local public school option sooner that she can get to on foot, bike or school bus, if there is one.  

 

Eta: 3 hours in car/daily  is also an awful lot for a 3 year old

Edited October 2, 2019 by Pen

[itsheresomewhere]

Why 3 hours in the car each day? Is that only the commute to/from school or is that including other things ( doctors, errands, etc)?  Any option of meeting a bus halfway? 
Depending on the answers to those questions, I would be willing to consider leaving your oldest in a the school.  But it depends on those answers to fully give my opinion.

Edited October 2, 2019 by itsheresomewhere

[EKS]

If the local schools are out (note that rankings and test scores aren't necessarily good indicators of educational quality), I'd definitely homeschool.  

[maize]

Is school near home for your oldest not an option?

Edited October 2, 2019 by maize

[Katy]

I have no idea about the schooling.  I guess I'd let them stay in school if they love it, and work harder at making the car fun instead of taxing.  Audiobooks and podcasts mean I look forward to my car time.

Re health, have you ruled out dermatomyositis?

[Susan in TX]

Spending that much time in the car is ridiculous. Either homeschool them or find a school that doesn't require you to spend that much time driving. Also, I understand wanting to put your kids first and do what is the absolute best thing for them but YOU matter. Your needs and desires are also important and whatever decision you make needs to take those things into consideration as well.

Susan in TX

[catz]

I would have never have committed to that drive every day.  I would have found something closer to home if I needed school to work.  I think it's fine to bring them home.  And I think it would be fine to put them in somewhere near home at any point if that works better for you.  I wouldn't invest too much thought about exact rankings of local schools vs further flung one.  Kids that have engaged parents can generally do well in a wide variety of educational settings.  

[LGW]

Thanks for the responses. 

- We initially chose to attend to school 30minutes away (not our district)  because they were willing to assess and place the girls by their scores - as opposed to birthdates. My oldest is a super young 4th grader - but tested well into fifth. Out district was only willing to place by birthdate. 

-The 3 hours is broken down into (30minutes there, 30minutes back in the AM. 30 minutes there, one hour in the carlines, 30minutes back in the PM) .

-Podcasts & Audiobooks have been getting us through.

-Re: health - Docs initially said that was one consideration, but didn't really give me a reason as to why they were leaning towards lupus as opposed to dermatomyositis.

-I also realize that the attitudes could simply be the manifestations of "kid stress" - which just makes me sad.  

 

[itsheresomewhere]

Would a year at the school closer to you be better for you to get your health in order?  Perhaps if they have already been placed in a grade in another district, they may be willing to keep in that grade.  If they will, you could always homeschool the younger one and let your oldest continue in the school. 

Edited October 2, 2019 by itsheresomewhere

[Pen]

The ‘tude could be stress related to change, school, your illness...  it could also be related to peer influence.  Or a combo. It’s hard to say.

On your relationship with your kid—it may be hard to homeschool her if she’s not behind it.  And I would be straight forward and apologetic about having made an error yourself as to thinking the travel distance would be more feasible than it is.  But it is far and long. And probably better to realize decision error sooner rather than later. 

Importantly, from my POV as a person with autoimmunity and who at previous stages also did a ton of driving for my child, there’s equally a chance of long term relationship trouble from a kid who may feel a sense of entitlement.  ( I am currently dealing with an older teen.) 

I think seeing if close school would allow her to be in 4th. But choice of 3rd nearby or at her level at home seems reasonable to me.

 

 

[catz]

1 hour ago, LGW said:

Thanks for the responses. 

- We initially chose to attend to school 30minutes away (not our district)  because they were willing to assess and place the girls by their scores - as opposed to birthdates. My oldest is a super young 4th grader - but tested well into fifth. Out district was only willing to place by birthdate. 

 

I have a kid that was reading Harry Potter in first grade and hit the ceiling of a K-12 open ended test by age 10.  The ACT confirmed he was college ready shortly after.  Working 1-3+ grade levels ahead isn't actually that unusual.  Every classroom will have a range.  My kid went to school for 2 years and his last public school class room had a swing of about 8-9 grade levels of reading and had several pullouts and math levels rolling too.  

Having just launched that kid to college at grade level, I have NO regrets about not pushing him forward.  Things can change during puberty.  I know people who've undone grade skips at a high school transition, homeschooling for a year.  I guess I'd want my kid post puberty and to mindfully choose that path as a teen before I would willingly select it.  There are advantages to being at the top of your class.  There are disadvantages to being socially less mature especially launching to college.   I actually know 2 younger for grade girls that made it at college less than a month before returning home just this fall.  They weren't ready.  That can depend on the outlets for academic kids/teens in your area, but I guess I wouldn't be so fast to push forward a 9 year old that is testing 1 year ahead.  That is choosing to take a year of her childhood.

I will also say having taught groups of gifted kids in a variety of ages, sometimes the parents of the younger kids pushing for their child to be with older doesn't actually notice the social cues their younger kid is missing or how the older kids interact with their child isn't involved.  Older kids may be polite but not actually including a younger kid or consider them a peer.  Anyway - read Gladwell's Outliers - he's got some interesting data on this kind of thing.  

Obviously you will do what you think is best, but I just wanted to throw out there you don't need an exact grade level "fit" (which there really isn't a consistent definition of anyway) to have a good school experience either if there engaged teachers and there are a range of students as there typically are.  Middle schoolers and high schoolers very typically have more breakouts and options and peer groups naturally fall out of that.

Edited October 3, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[Acadie]

Could you reduce the time in carlines? Arrive first? Or if you're going to two different schools, is there a way to switch the sequence to save time?

Amy

[Pen]

38 minutes ago, Acadie said:

Could you reduce the time in carlines? Arrive first? Or if you're going to two different schools, is there a way to switch the sequence to save time?

Amy

 

2 hours is still a long time.

[Ellie]

13 hours ago, LGW said:

Hi Community. 

I have three kiddos. Two school-aged girls (4th @ 9years and 2nd @ 7years) and then a 3yr-old boy. We have homeschooled since the very beginning and my girls have never attended school until now. My children take violin/viola and practice Brazillian Jiujitsu and have friends through those activities. Up until the last two years (their brother needed a nap schedule), we were involved in play groups & co-ops - but these past two years have been a little more sparse in the regular interaction with other homeschool students and families.

Recently (also in the past two years), I have been struggling with health issues - what we can guess (doctors) - subacute lupus that is affecting the skin and to some degree the joints.  This past summer it reached a new level of urgency in finding a diagnosis and treatment. So, we enrolled the girls in a very good school district (#5 in the state) - located 30 minutes from our house. My second grader wants to come home. My 4th grader has buddies (and is type A and thrives in a classroom) and doesn't really want to come back. My 3 year old and I spend 3 hours in the car every day - and frankly, it's taxing. 

I'm so incredibly torn. Selfishly, I want my kids to come back....if the "break" was to help me reduce stress - driving so much is stressful, leaving the house early the feelings of rushing around are stressful, seeing that the curriculum is REALLY limited is stressful. BUT MY CHILDREN ARE "THRIVING" - they were thriving before - but I guess it's just so nice for other people to tell me. 

On the other hand - my girls are obviously stressed. Super well behaved, happy, and popular at school, but at home, we are dealing with SO MUCH 'TUDE & disrespectful behavior. 

Will I destroy my relationship with my older kid forever if I bring her home and she's not fully behind it? 

Has anybody walked through a season like this? 

Thanks for listening. 

There's nothing "selfish" about wanting your dc to be home.

That there is so much stress is ample reason to bring them home.

They are not "thriving" if you are dealing with tude and disrespectful behavior at home.

I wouldn't discuss it with the dc any more. This is a decision that you (and Mr. LGW) need to make. If you decide to keep them home, don't be wishy-washy when you tell them; they are less likely to be strongly opposed if you determined to do it. I'd let them stay until Christmas, if possible, then keep them home. And if you do decide to keep them home, I wouldn't *even* try to do Official School Stuff until next fall, because it will take you the rest of the school year to reestablish relationships and household routines and to recover.

[Tap]

Are the kids in your assigned school district? Do they have to do the same thing? Can you let your oldest ride the bus in the morning and just pick up in the afternoon? That would allow you to homeschool just the youngest for now and still have a partial break from driving. 

You said it is 30 minutes of driving each way, but 3 hours in the car each day.  Does that discrepancy include the music/sports? or is it just waiting in pickup/drop off line. How much  will change if you bring them both home?  Will you still be driving 1 hour to sports/music? 

One of the best things I did was finding a carpool for dd when she was in priate school one year. One mom drove mornings, the other drove afternoons. Since it was just the two of us moms, it was easy to coordinate. If one was sick, it was easy to accomodate schedule changes. 

[LGW]

Thank you all again. 

I'm gonna be praying and meditating on it all. 

Happy Thursday.

[bethben]

Both my school aged children go to school.  They would prefer to be homeschooled but they are both thriving at their school academically and socially for the most part.  Their school is only 15 minutes away.  My husband drops them off in the morning before work.  Is that a possibility for your DH?  Can you park at the school and walk to collect them after school?  I am able to do this.  I’ve  avoided long carpool lanes that way.  When I did the carpool lane, I made sure they knew I would not be early because I didn’t want to be in that line so early. 

The main reason we are not homeschooling is also my health.  Having the additional responsibility was too much for me.  I still have my high needs very young mentally disabled child with me always, but not having to homeschool on top of everything else and having all my kids with me all.day.long has really helped my health.  It’s not just the time spent homeschooling that was that stressful because that was pretty minimal as they got older but also having my kids with me all day that added to the stress.

[bethben]

Also, we tend not to do a lot of outside activities.  That adds to the chaos in our lives.  Just having one child in a sport twice a week at night added to the stress of our family in a HUGE way.  That was when one child was in a public school one block away.  That’s additional driving.  Maybe think about your outside activities also and assign priorities. Which is more important—school or outside activities.  That may also help you think about your next direction.

[OH_Homeschooler]

19 hours ago, Acadie said:

Could you reduce the time in carlines? Arrive first? Or if you're going to two different schools, is there a way to switch the sequence to save time?

Amy

 

I was going to suggest arriving last.  We had a principal who suggested that once. So if school gets out at 3, get there are 3:15. The lines are gone but there are still stragglers and staff are hanging around so you're not inconveniencing anyone. It would drive me nuts to have to arrive a half hour before school even gets out and just sit there (unless I could something to work on while I waited--bills, phone calls I have to make, etc.) 

[LucyStoner]

1 hour ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

 

I was going to suggest arriving last.  We had a principal who suggested that once. So if school gets out at 3, get there are 3:15. The lines are gone but there are still stragglers and staff are hanging around so you're not inconveniencing anyone. It would drive me nuts to have to arrive a half hour before school even gets out and just sit there (unless I could something to work on while I waited--bills, phone calls I have to make, etc.) 

 

This is my strategy as well.  School gets out at 3:35.  We are close enough he could walk home but the way our lives work, I am usually coming from somewhere before pickup and getting him with the car makes the most sense for now.  If I arrive at before 3PM for that first spot, we leave the school around 3:40 or a little after because that is when the 5th graders actually get to the pick up lines.  If I arrive at 3:45, we leave at 3:45.  

[LucyStoner]

An hour plus commute to high school was hell for all of us even with lightening the load a bit with carpool (carpool was still a drive for us- the meet up spot was 15-20 minutes away).  

So I am sympathetic to the advice to bring them home but I also understand how hard it is for both a parent and a student when you are homeschooling and navigating complex health issues. 

Could you possibly split the driving duties?  Dad drops off on way to work, mom picks up in the afternoon?  Are there no schools close to you that would be acceptable?  

Also school rankings are largely a cheat sheet of the socioeconomic mix at the school.  I've learned to put very little stock in them.  My older son had a terrible experience (like, we could have won a lawsuit against them terrible) in first grade at a school with a 9 or 10 rating and a mixed to bad experience in 9th and 10th grades at a school that ranks in the top 3 in the state and a 10 rating on Great Schools and similar sites.  OTOH, my younger son now attends a school with a 4 rating and it is actually really great:  they serve his IEP needs well, they respond to the challenging behaviors well and he's happy there.  The district we live in in a top rated district, but the school we are zoned for has a hefty number of ESL and low income students since the only affordable housing in this area feeds right into that school.  My friends have kids in schools in this district that are more highly rated and have mixed reports, with the better reports coming from families with NT kids and the more challenging reports coming from the families with kids with IEPs.  Comments on the local social media groups tend to support this.  

[Pen]

This doesn’t help with your school question, but I’ve been finding this helpful in re health:

The Autoimmune Fix: How to Stop the Hidden Autoimmune Damage That Keeps You Sick, Fat, and Tired  Before It Turns Into Disease https://www.amazon.com/dp/162336700X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_T26LDbEA30NPB

 

[Storygirl]

When we stopped homeschooling, my four children ended up at three different private schools with no busing. I was in the car for three to five hours a day (depending on after-school activities, some of which had an intense practice schedule). DH also helped with the morning drive. But it was grueling and restrictive. I could not schedule things for myself (or the kids) that would conflict with me picking them up at their schools.

I really disliked it, but for reasons I won't bother to go into this time, they were the right choices for each of my kids, so we stuck with it. Now three of them are in public school and can take the bus, and the fourth can drive herself. But for four years, I had various versions of the school commute.

So I understand the stress of the drive time.

I also understand that there can be reasons why homeschooling can be stressful for the mom. My reasons for enrolling in school were different than yours, but were also in large part due to homeschooling being a stressor that I needed a break from.

Although it may not seem like an option to you right now, I would suggest looking for a school option that would not involve the commute. Now that your daughter has been enrolled in a public school, I think your local public school is more likely to allow her to stay in the same grade that she is placed in right now. I would look into transferring them to your local public school.

Even if they would still want to place your daughter in the younger grade, I think it would be worth it. I agree with the previous poster who mentioned that there is usually a wide range of ability in a public school classroom, and that your daughter will be able to find academic peers. It may also be easier for her, especially when she is a teen, to be with social peers who are closer to her in age.

Once she gets to middle and high school, there may be plenty of opportunities to take advanced classes. Some of the kids at our public school are taking algebra in seventh grade, for example, while others take it in 8th, 9th, or even 10th. Out of my four kids, two will take algebra in 9th; one is taking it in 8th; and one will take it in 10th grade. Many/most public schools have the structure to differentiate like that in the higher grades.

[KungFuPanda]

Can't their father take them in in the morning? Are there any carpool opportunities? I'd also try being the last in the carpool line to eliminate the wait.  i feel like school has just begun for the year and it's a bit soon to know if it's really not working out or if you're all just adjusting to a different lifestyle.  

[DawnM]

This is my take.  Enrolling the kids 30 min. away limits their social interaction outside of school.  Most people won't drive to your house to bring their kids to hang out much, and it sounds like it will be even more driving for you to get your child over that way outside of school hours.  This may not be a big issue now, but it will be, esp. given that your daughter is social.

Is there an option to move into that school zone?  Is there an option to put her in the local school (even if it is not as highly rated, I would look at this option).  And, she can ride the bus, which is NO commute time for you.

I considered putting my kids in the church school, but it was 30 min. each way and I had gone back to work.  It just wasn't doable, but even if I had not gone back to work, I would not want to deal with the commute.