S/O Mental Load: ways to Lessen Load

[Pen]

Any tips on mental load reduction?  Share here!

[Pen]

For me:

decreasing what I am trying to do so it is overall more manageable

”less is more”

 

apps

Habits and standard approaches to what I’m doing... shopping lists... auto pay... 

 

delegation

 

 

[Pen]

“Margins”.  As a concept... not cutting things too close, such as time, or toilet paper on hand...

Taking some time in “nature” as a priority.

Putting teaching how to do own laundry above teaching math during homeschooling...

[fairfarmhand]

Here's one: Wait until a GOOD TIME to tackle certain chores, even if it's driving you insane; what I mean is to wait for a time when you can have someone else do it, but be on hand in case of issues popping up. Maybe not so good for dhs but definitely for children.

Here's an example.

My dd moved out in October, and the extra twin bed was until this afternoon still in the corner of my son's room. I pulled off the mattress and stored it under the boys bed to use for sleepovers, but haven't had time to actually dismantle the frame. Today was the day. 

I directed my son: Take everything off of that bedframe (because even though there's no mattress, it's still a place for 11 yo boys to stash things, evidently) Then I went in there and took off the bunky board and got it out of the way. By the time I had re-entered the room, he'd found a screwdriver and started taking the thing apart on his own. I said, "Great thinking. I'll be back in awhile" and later I checked and he needed allen wrenches to do the next step. Found the allen wrenches and handed them to him and said, " here. I bet you can figure out how to use these to do the next step."

And I left.

My 11 yo son dissasembled the whole thing with very little of my personal involvement. We hauled it out of the room and I told him how proud I was that he figured out how to do it. If I hadn't chosen  the right time to do it, he'd been stressed out because I would have been rushed and trying to hurry him along. Rushing that boy is counterproductive when he's trying to solve a puzzle (which the bed was to him) So I needed to wait till we both had a free afternoon with little happening. 

So if I'm hoping for my kids to start doing things on their own, I have to allow for time to instruct them and for them to complete the task slower than I'd like. And this may need to be repeated for the lesson to take effect. 

And if I am so over committed that there ISN'T EVER a good time to do that, it's more important for my kids to gain competency on certain life skills than it is for them to be good at soccer, Tae Kwan Do, or any other outside commitment. 

[fairfarmhand]

9 minutes ago, Pen said:

“Margins”.  As a concept... not cutting things too close, such as time, or toilet paper on hand...

Taking some time in “nature” as a priority.

Putting teaching how to do own laundry above teaching math during homeschooling...

Margin is absolutely an essential part of my being able to manage.

[solascriptura]

1. autopay virtually all bills.

2. Kids do all of their own laundry folding

3. I taught the kids to clean the house.  We all work together, but it goes very quickly now.

4. They all do one sport.  I cannot and will not taxi them to multiple sports/ activities.

5. I'm a sort of minimalist so it's easy to keep things put away.

6. I'm sure that this can't be helped, but we are all very healthy so there are no doctor's visits except for yearly checkups.  

7. I was able to move my aging parents to their own home 5 minutes away.  This has helped so so much.  They used to live much farther away and it was difficult when they needed help.  

8. A lot of people struggle with the mental overload of a messy house.  Since I am a natural purger and a relatively tidy person, I don't really experience the stress of a messy home.

 

[EmseB]

I use eMeals so I don't think about dinner too much unless I want to.

I stock the fridge with stuff so my kids can make their own breakfasts and lunches. Big kids help little kids.

Each kid does the same chores every day. I don't have a rotating system or chart. It changes probably annually based on increased abilities and younger kids coming up. I don't have to settle disputes or figure out what people are supposed to be doing.

I use a box/pre-planned curriculum and tweak it very little (but some for each kid). By the end of the first month of school, older kids are usually familiar enough with their lesson plans that they are able (not always willing!) to find something they can do without my help if I'm busy with someone else.

We have currently two activities we do outside the house during the week. It'll be three in April. Two out of three are walkable for my older kids if I can't drive. I love days at home where we have nowhere to be.

Sunday is for church and rest, however rest looks to you.

We "Sabbath School" doing roughly six weeks on and one week off. Week off is catch up/breather/vacation week.

I try to remember that repetition, not completion, is my main work right now. My goal is not to finish. I will never finish. That's okay.

I get up and have a cup of coffee and tell people, if they are up, that I will help them/read to them/fix their toy when I'm done with my coffee (boundaries).

I do housekeeping, but I'm not a maid for you. If you get something out, pick it up when you're done. Don't leave stuff everywhere. The seeming contradiction is, if you see a mess that isn't yours or mom asks you to clean up some mess that isn't yours, do it anyway, don't point fingers. These two things running in tandem kind of work out to keep things generally picked up ish. Or not.

[Corraleno]

I put absolutely anything and everything on autopay that can possibly be done that way, and I use one credit card for all expenses and put that on autopay too. For annual expenses that can't be paid that way, like home/car insurance, property taxes, car registration, college tuition, etc., I put notices in iCalendar two weeks and one week in advance of each deadline and set them to repeat annually.

With one-off bills, like medical bills, I either sit down at the computer and pay them immediately, or if I'm in the middle of something else and can't do it right that minute, I open my laptop, put the bill inside, and close the lid, so I will see it as soon as I open it again.

As soon as I get the schedule for one of the kids' activities (or now, for DS, his college and competition schedule), I sit down and enter all the dates for the rest of the season/semester/year in iCalendar. I add all important holidays and birthdays.

I travel a lot, so every time I book a plane ticket or car rental, I click "add to calendar" so all the info, like dates, times, and confirmation numbers, are immediately available and synced on all my devices.

I keep running grocery lists, To Do lists, and other important info in Notes, which again is synced on all devices.

I scan important papers and keep digital copies in a well-organized file system that is backed up in iCloud.

I keep a dry erase marker in the bathroom and write important reminders directly on the mirror. I mostly use it for packing and travel lists, or for when I remember something in the middle of the night and don't want to open my laptop and type a note — I can write in big letters on the mirror with just the nightlight on without really having to wake up. Sometime I leave reminders for the kids on their mirrors, too.

I stopped doing anyone's laundry but my own as soon as my youngest was about 6 or 7. If they leave their dirty clothes and/or dirty dishes somewhere, I put them in a plastic bin and leave it on their bed. (I used to put DH's dirty stuff and misc. crap in a bin on his desk, since his bed was also my bed and I didn't want him just shoving all his crap on my side.)  If someone doesn't have the clean clothes they need or their uniform is dirty and stinky because they forgot to wash it, oh well.

 

[Rosie_0801]

Have goals.

Only care about stuff insofar as it contributes towards those goals.

[Kidlit]

I’m pretty sure I’m the poster child for mental load overwhelm, so I have nothing to contribute but I am most definitely all ears.  (I miss the big ear emoji!)

Edited March 14, 2019 by hopeistheword
Autocorrect strikes again!

[marbel]

Margin is very important for me, even in terms of leaving lots of time to get places. a

Automating as much as possible.  Automatic bill pay for sure, for everything I can.

Grocery list is kept on an app that everyone can access to add to and use when they are in a store. So when my son goes to buy food for his work lunch, he can see what else is on the list that he can buy.  He can't buy everything: If I have "pork" on the list, he won't know if that means sausage, tenderloin, shoulder chops... you get the picture.  I don't mind that; I'm OK doing the bulk of the shopping.

With older kids who are doing stuff on their own/driving:  they are authorized buyers on a credit card. So if I want them to get something I need, they don't need to worry about cash. They can buy gas, etc.  I review the bills to be sure all transactions are accounted for, and total up anything the kids owe me (their share of the phone bill, spotify subscription, steam purchases, etc) so they can pay me by transferring from their bank account to mine.  So helpful.  They do have deibt cards and can get cash from an ATM. 

AAA  (roadside service) membership so if anyone breaks down, they can easily get help.  My parents got me one when I got my license in 1974 and I have never looked back. Some years we don't use it, but when we need it... so nice to have it there.  

A list on my phone titled "where stuff is."  Legal documents are kept in a certain folder in a certain drawer in a filing cabinet.  College/financial aid stuff is in a certain folder in a certain place in my desk.  I

Lists of food everyone likes kept on the fridge, recipes anyone can make in a binder marked "easy recipes" and a stocked fridge/freezer and pantry.

Being a terrible housekeeper helps too.  Dust?  Oh well. The dishes and laundry get done!  My people will help when needed though some need to be asked.

 

Edited March 13, 2019 by marbel

[Corraleno]

22 minutes ago, marbel said:

A list on my phone titled "where stuff is."  Legal documents are kept in a certain folder in a certain drawer in a filing cabinet.  College/financial aid stuff is in a certain folder in a certain place in my desk.

This. is. genius! 👏 

I don't why this never occurred to me even though I keep extensive lists on my phone, digitize every possible document, etc. One of my biggest problems is that I am constantly putting actual physical objects somewhere and assuming that of course I'll remember where I put it — and then I totally forget where I put it. I'm sure wherever I put it seemed really obvious and logical at the time, but a month later that logic totally escapes me. Thank you so much for this, I will think of you fondly every time I'm wracking my brain trying to remember where I hid DS's Christmas present, or stuck the spare keys, or put that box of old letters, and realize I know exactly where it is because the location is in my phone! 

[Farrar]

I make dh do it.

I know that's a super privileged answer, but for me a lot of the time, the issue is that I end up doing the research and thinking and by the time it's time to do the thing (sign up for it, make the call, go to the store and buy it, schedule it, whatever) I'm just like, ugh, I can't. Dh is terrible at all the back thinking part, but he's great with execution if I tell him what to do. It's absurd, because half the time I could do it myself in the same amount of time, but I guess that's the other piece. I'm not going to question it. And neither does dh. Bless him.

[Farrar]

42 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Mental load isn't the execution part.  In fact, it's the opposite.  It's all that back thinking and creating of that list of "here's what I need you to do."  

I understand that, but for me it’s the pulling the trigger part that kills me. I’ll carry the load and not actually do the thing, I’ll just let it eat at me that I haven’t completed it. So this is one of my solutions- hand off the part I really struggle with.

[Bluegoat]

1) I keep things we do regularly as close to home as possible.  So we tend not to do things that require a lot of driving.  Guides, Scouts, violin, guitar, are all in walking distance, and other activities are under 10 min in the car.  I make dd take the bus home from her theatre class which goes more or less door to door.  This is something I made a decision to think strategically about including as much as possible living in a place where it was easier than in some other areas. And I've resisted the family's desire to live more rurally, even though in many ways I would love that.

2) Kids manage their laundry.  Dh actually instituted this, he bought them each a basket and they are supposed to take care of it.  THis is not always as smooth as I'd like, but it helps and is getting better.

3) I keep low expectations about certain things.  This requires a certain amount of work, because there are a few things I tend to allow to take up too much room in my head, and I have to actively remind myself that they do not really matter.  Mostly I manage except when my mom comes over. 

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I understand that, but for me it’s the pulling the trigger part that kills me. I’ll carry the load and not actually do the thing, I’ll just let it eat at me that I haven’t completed it. So this is one of my solutions- hand off the part I really struggle with.

I understand this.  There are things that I will think about, plan, etc., but I want him to do them.  One thing is dealing with the mechanic who takes care of our cars. I'll keep track of when the oil changes and inspections are due, make the appointments, plan to get the cars there, pay the bill. I want my husband to be the one who talks to the mechanic when he finds something wrong with the car. I want him to decide where we buy the tires, and which ones to get, and, when a vehicle gets really old, when it's time to pull the plug.   Is a rebuilt transmission OK or do we want a new one?   Etc. 

I don't expect this is the kind of thing Farrar is talking about, but it's what her post made me think of.  Knowing I can depends on someone else to take charge once the thing is planned/scheduled makes it all so much better for me.

[Farrar]

6 minutes ago, marbel said:

I understand this.  There are things that I will think about, plan, etc., but I want him to do them.  One thing is dealing with the mechanic who takes care of our cars. I'll keep track of when the oil changes and inspections are due, make the appointments, plan to get the cars there, pay the bill. I want my husband to be the one who talks to the mechanic when he finds something wrong with the car. I want him to decide where we buy the tires, and which ones to get, and, when a vehicle gets really old, when it's time to pull the plug.   Is a rebuilt transmission OK or do we want a new one?   Etc. 

I don't expect this is the kind of thing Farrar is talking about, but it's what her post made me think of.  Knowing I can depends on someone else to take charge once the thing is planned/scheduled makes it all so much better for me.

Yes, all of that is it. I don’t struggle too much with a lot of the aspects of mental load... except final execution - making myself do it is so hard for some reason. Dh is great because he acknowledges that the part I do is totally work, even if he is the one who often ends up actually doing it. I feel like that’s part of why I feel less sunk by it than a lot of my friends. I mean, yeah, it gets me down and I have aspects that I’m not so hot at or don’t have great systems for. But my partner constantly acknowledges and appreciates all the mental load things I do. And, yeah, getting the oil changed is totally one of those things! Or, I pick the gifts, he buys them. Or, I choose the plumber, dh calls and deals with making the appointment.

[Pen]

2 hours ago, happysmileylady said:

Mental load isn't the execution part.  In fact, it's the opposite.  It's all that back thinking and creating of that list of "here's what I need you to do."  

 

It could be if there’s mental load stress related to doing, or if someone had more trouble doing than planning.  It makes sense to me.

[Shoeless]

Less social media.  I have facebook only by necessity.  I don't do twitter or Instagram.  Pinterest is only when I have a specific project in mind.  I don't read homeschool blogs or mommy blogs because they generally rub me the wrong way.   

Read something positive and encouraging every day.  

Those two things will help you feel a lot less stressed and overwhelmed.

I am ruthless about clutter.  I pitch things all the time.   I get decision paralysis with too many things cluttering up my house, so it's better for me to get rid of things and not dwell on feeling guilty about it.  I can easily fall into a mental trap about wasting money.  "I wasted money by not utilizing that item to the fullest, so it's wrong to get rid of it, even though it's a struggle to keep it cleaned/stored/organized".  Now I donate items and think "Someone else can make a decision about getting full value from this item.  It's their job now, not mine".   

We don't do oodles of activities.  I don't want to spend all that time in my car.  I will drive no further than 40 minutes for routine activities, no more than 3 outings in a week, and never more than one event per day. 

I also say NO to a lot of things.  "Would you like to help organize..." No.  "Will you be available to host..." No.  I also feel zero guilt in backing out of an obligation if the scope of the project creeps too far beyond what I agreed to do.  "I'm sorry, but after re-examining my schedule, this project is more than I am able to commit to.  If anything changes, I will let you know".   

Written out, that makes me sound like a total grump, lol.  I'm just really protective and firm on my boundaries. 

[SKL]

Agreeing with auto pay etc.

Develop efficient routines / systems that take a lot of the "thought" out of things.  So "I'm now going to do my 20-step macro task" vs. "I have these 20 related things I need to get to at some point ...."

Train self to "not see" certain things that would bug me.  Example:  housemate's clothes / dishes dropped at various places around the living area.  Kids eating more than ideal amounts of candy.  Unmade beds.

Just Do It when possible.  (I am a stress procrastinator - really unhelpful!)

Touch it only once (when possible).

Less is More.

Let it Go.  "My best is gonna have to be good enough."  "If I can't do better, probably nobody else can either."

Lists (check it off) to provide a feeling of accomplishment.  (I usually don't do this any more, but sometimes it helps.)

Exercise, drink water, and sleep.  Also - vitamins (especially D).

Escape sometimes.

Edited March 14, 2019 by SKL

[Ausmumof3]

I don’t work for money.  Another privileged answer I know but it makes a huge difference.

Lots of stuff from the simplified organisation blog has helped me - brain dump when my brain starts getting to full/stressed out.  Interval plan. 6weeks on 1 off schedule.  Let go of stuff on the to do list that I haven’t got to and probably never will.  I grabbed a piece of paper with numbers 1-31 on it and my kids and we brainstormed that many meals we like.  Often I menu plan based on seasonal stuff or what’s in the fridge that needs using but when I’m to busy I just get ingredients that line up with the current days of the month and that’s what we eat.  There’s enough crockpot meals in the rotation to just rearrange slightly.

get outdoors in nature.  It’s seriously the best cure for feeling overwhelmed.  Do yoga.  Another great way to clear headspace.  Limit time listening to audible or podcasts or reading the forum when I’m feeling exhausted.  These things are all pleasures but also involve mental work.  Sometimes I just have to give my brain a break.

dont baby people.  If they lose stuff expect them to spend a reasonable amount of time looking before helping (children mostly).

dont do husbands family birthdays etc.  they’re his family he can deal or not as he likes.   Lol... his mum has taken to reminding him about birthdays which is awesome!  I laugh and think one less thing for me to worry about!

set up routines.  Bill paying and grocery shopping/ordering gets done on a schedule and all bills for the next week paid so I don’t have to remember dates.  Same day I also take time to make appointments and update calendars.

Leave more space than I think I need between activities.  Let the kids drop stuff when they feel tired of it.  

all this sounds insanely organised but it’s not.  I mess up regularly but that’s because I’m so bad at this stuff that I go over and above with lists and plans.  If I plan solidly we get most stuff handled to a survival level. 

Also I have no kids with therapy needs etc.  this definitely makes a difference.

Edited March 14, 2019 by Ausmumof3

[Ausmumof3]

Oh and go for paid activities that don’t require parent volunteer work where possible.  

[Carrie12345]

Actual management : Routines, schedules, and lists are absolute musts for me. I wouldn’t say that they drastically reduce my mental load, but they help. Knowing that I’ve unloaded the dishwasher, scooped the cat litter, and started laundry while waiting on coffee to brew means it’s not hanging over my head later. Having a plan to do different chores on specific days of the week means I don’t often forget to clean out the fridge or help the younger kids straighten up their room. And my lists have everything, so I can check them over when I’m running an errand or waiting on a kid and knock out as much at once as possible.

I don’t meal plan the way I used to.  I’ve started my own freezer cooking system so just about anything can be had by tossing it in the oven or microwave. I keep a list of options on the kitchen white board. I no longer have to think about what our schedule looks like when planning meals, because we can have something complex from the freezer just as easily as throwing together something simple. I’m not sure why I resisted that for so long. 

Attitude: I’ve definitely taken on more “doing” than I wanted to, but I’ve found it much easier than managing.  I do wish I had done this sooner. I can tackle 100 items in a single basket a lot more effectively than, say, 50 items in mine, and distributing and checking 50 items across 5 other baskets.  I almost broke my toe on an old printer because “someone else” was going to recycle it. I finally threw it in my trunk until I was near a Staples and turned it in myself. No more painful walks through the house in the dark! Now if I’d just tackle old paint...

Helpful change: Decluttering.  Seriously. I’m not a minimalist, but I am now obsessed with decluttering. The less there is to take care of, the easier it is to take care of important things. Physically or otherwise. I haven’t been frustrated with anyone for stuffing the kitchen drawers or searching for a buried cake pan in weeks.  I also haven’t stressed about getting to meetings where I have little to no influence. Moving toward a place where the things I do are genuinely important to ME has been a very big deal.

 

It’s still a lot, but it isn’t as hard to carry as it used to be. We’re all works in progress. 

[Storygirl]

Preparing ahead of time is a strategy that I have implemented for a long time. Making my menu and grocery lists in advance. Making school lunches and laying out school clothes the night before. Planning as far ahead as possible to cover the details related to seasonal stressors, such as vacation packing and Christmas shopping.

These things are effective at reducing the stress of last minute scrambling (though we still have plenty of it, including this morning).

But they don't reduce my mental load. Being responsible for planning these things out ahead of time is part of my mental load and brings stress of it's own. I'm actually a pretty effective planner and less of a doer. So one might think that planning in advance would reduce my stress overall. Instead, it just shifts my stress from immediate panic (and it's good to reduce that!) to the heavier mental load of thinking about all of the things all of the time.

Lists can be somewhat helpful for me but also can be a minefield of their own. The problem is that I carry so many things in my head, that once I begin to make a written (or verbal --- it helps me to talk things out sometimes) list, the list quickly becomes monsterously long and then the list itself seems overwhelming.

I think it would likely help me to have a notebook with a running monster list. And then a separate daily list. I need to be able to download the stuff out of my brain. But I have trouble downloading without overloading myself mentally instead. Making lists can backfire for me, but I think there may be a way to do it that could be better.

 

Edited March 14, 2019 by Storygirl

[frogger]

13 hours ago, EmseB said:

Each kid does the same chores every day. I don't have a rotating system or chart. It changes probably annually based on increased abilities and younger kids coming up. I don't have to settle disputes or figure out what people are supposed to be doing.

 

 

 

This used to work so well for me. I'm struggling with the right rotation now. I finally realized everyone who ate does dishes although if we are all home I might give other tasks during that time since dishes need done pronto and whoever was on dish duty is not home.

[frogger]

In addition to many of the above:

All kids have to keep track of their own activities and schedules or they will miss it. The older ones are responsible to get themselves there. The younger ones can ask for a ride if they can't bike. If it's an evening activity they will remind me early in the day. We don't schedule school time activities. All ages (since youngest turned 10) must write their activities on the wall calandar. All ages must text me if they are leaving (because I will forget). 

 

All kids are responsible for there own belongings, laundry, etc. Youngest still struggles at times but we are getting there.

 

[Bluegoat]

Oh, one thing found that helped a lot with laundry, which is my achilles heel, is cutting clothing down to a minimum.  It seems like it should not work, since you have to wash things more often, but for some reason it does  The exception would be socks and underwear, where I find it better to have a little more than necessary.

Sometimes this is trickier than I would like to maintain because people give us clothes.  Then I realise how much work it seems to make..

[frogger]

Give kids meals to cook. They have to email me their grocery list and I add it to mine.

Write things down in some way rather than verbal reminders so you only have to tell someone something one time. Write my own list too! 

[bolt.]

Lowering my standards... a lot.

[lavender's green]

Write it down in my journal. Everything goes in there - calendars, daily lists, monthly lists, school lists, get-around-to-it-someday lists. If it's written down I don't have to think about it.

Exercise, preferably outside. Exertion offers a nice break from thinking.

Don't baby people along. Kids or adults. Or myself. If other adults can do it, so can I, even if it's icky and I know DH wouldn't mind.

If something is unnecessary, and I can't whole-heartedly embrace it, I just say no. This might change some day, but right now I need that margin in my life.

I let other people handle their own relationships. I used to remind DH to call his relatives (they never call us unless there's a birth or a death). Then one day, after a few difficult communications with my in-laws, I said, you know what, you can handle this. So now he calls maybe once a month and they continue to never call. So ironic that I, the daughter-in-law, the one who they hardly recognize as a member of the family, was the one holding the relationship together. If no one else can be bothered, then I certainly can't either.

A lot of household management comes in two parts: the Get On Top of It, and the Stay On Top of It. I'm always hesitant to offer specific advice, because we all differ in family size, time, money, executive function, etc. It can take a while to find the right system to fit your needs, and needs change over time. In general, simpler is better. Right now I'm putting a lot of mental energy into the back yard. It used to be a nicely landscaped garden, but we moved in and I immediately conceived my most difficult pregnancy, there was no time or money for anything, then we had a third kid, and now the garden is just an overgrown, weedy mess. It's hilly, very shady, dry (except when it's not). There are a lot of challenges for this wannabe gardener to puzzle through. But I know that if I can Get On Top of It, and have a system in place to Stay On Top, it can be a great place again.

 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Storygirl said:

Preparing ahead of time is a strategy that I have implemented for a long time. Making my menu and grocery lists in advance. Making school lunches and laying out school clothes the night before. Planning as far ahead as possible to cover the details related to seasonal stressors, such as vacation packing and Christmas shopping.

These things are effective at reducing the stress of last minute scrambling (though we still have plenty of it, including this morning).

But they don't reduce my mental load. Being responsible for planning these things out ahead of time is part of my mental load and brings stress of it's own. I'm actually a pretty effective planner and less of a doer. So one might think that planning in advance would reduce my stress overall. Instead, it just shifts my stress from immediate panic (and it's good to reduce that!) to the heavier mental load of thinking about all of the things all of the time.

Lists can be somewhat helpful for me but also can be a minefield of their own. The problem is that I carry so many things in my head, that once I begin to make a written (or verbal --- it helps me to talk things out sometimes) list, the list quickly becomes monsterously long and then the list itself seems overwhelming.

I think it would likely help me to have a notebook with a running monster list. And then a separate daily list. I need to be able to download the stuff out of my brain. But I have trouble downloading without overloading myself mentally instead. Making lists can backfire for me, but I think there may be a way to do it that could be better.

 

I have a list making strategy. I have ONE purse sized notebook. My shopping list, to do list, everything goes in that one book. I seldom tear out pages. I write down phone numbers, email addresses, anything. I have one page per week. If I need something from 3 weeks ago, it’s there.

[Carol in Cal.]

Shopping lists in emails.  I don't know why this is, but DH never can buy everything on a handwritten list, but he gets everything on an emailed one.  

Also, if you forgot something you can just forward the email and add it.  Also, you can reuse master lists, although I don't really do that, but I know others that do.

Also, for me organizing the list in terms of what recipes need what is kind of important.  So if a recipe needs mushrooms and the store is out, I don't buy all the other things for that recipe that day.

[SKL]

As far as birthdays and such - I decided long ago that I don't do birthdays except for a very few people - those I live with, my parents, and one sister's kids (mainly because they are younger than my kids AND she always does something for my kids' birthdays).  Others, I will come to a birthday party (with a gift) if invited, otherwise nothing.  I do Christmas gifts for everyone though.

I used to feel stressed out when one SIL used to send me birthday cards.  I mean shoot, I have to remember all the inlaws' birthdays, in advance, and send them a card?  I never got around to it, so SIL stopped sending them to me, which was a relief.

Even on facebook when I get those notifications "it's __'s birthday today" - I do not send wishes.  Why?  Because I know I will not be doing this for everyone, and I don't want anyone to think I treated them differently.  (My own birthday is not on facebook.)

So that is something I simply refuse to allow into my "mental load."  I worked out a way that is fair to all in my opinion.  Haters can hate if they need to.

Another thing I refuse (usually) - any and all fundraisers.  Selling or buying - it doesn't matter.  I make rare exceptions on a case-by-case basis, but the default is NO, and my kids are trained to say this rather than bring crap home from school.  I am thoughtful about my donations and I make them on a schedule and in a way that works for me.  I'm not stingy with my money, just my time.

[Garga]

20 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

I don't know how to do this either.  Even the department chair of my program commented on my mental state last semester.  But I just can't figure out how to reduce anything.

I have to remember what day it is; which bills are not on autopay and pay them before they're late; which clients I have that day; whether I have enough cleaning supplies and if not, which store to stop at to get them on the way; whether someone needs to take DS to ju-jitsu on Tuesdays and if they need to pick him up as well; whether someone needs to take DS to piano on Wednesdays and/or pick him up; what items are needed from the grocery store and when to do it; what time I have to do roughly 25 hours of homework per week before the due dates have passed; keep track of when the air filters at church need to be changed; order more air filters if necessary; keep track of who is cleaning the church on a given week; keep track of when the wood floors were last treated (I am in charge of building maintenance at my church); check DS's schoolwork every night; plan out the next lesson that night or the next morning; check to see when new books need to be ordered; when does laundry need to be done and how I can fit it in the schedule without leaving it in the washer for too long; when do I need to go get chicken/cat/dog food; whether to schedule a meeting with one or two professors (haven't decided); when to clean the litter boxes; when to clean and vacuum the house; when to plant the seeds; when and for long am I going to workout that day; how long and when should I work on the project for my second job in order to meet the deadlines; do I have clothes for both work and school the next day; need to make sure I have no homework to do on Mondays because of late night work.... and so on...

I think my problem is that I try to schedule these things but, for example, if I have an impromptu group meeting at school one day and I've got laundry and grocery shopping scheduled, guess what isn't getting done?  Or I am not going to stop in the middle of homework or checking DS's work to change the litter boxes even if I've got it scheduled that night.  So even if these things aren't relevant on every single day, they are still in the back of my mind taking up valuable real estate.

I can totally help you with most of this.  You need to pre-buy everything, and if you can find one, get a calendar app and use the calendar app as a to-do list, as well as making a to-do list for the day, however you like (I like my to-do list on paper.)

I have to remember what day it is; which bills are not on autopay and pay them before they're late;

On the calendar app, add an entry for each bill and when it’s due.  For entries like that, you can set it up on the calendar to repeat, so you’d set it up that the bill is due on March 15th, and then you’d click on “monthly” and then every 15th of every month, you’d see that that bill is due.  Actually, set it for March 12th and give yourself three days to get it done, in case something comes up and you can’t do it on the 15th.  You no longer have to think about that bill until March 12.  If you can’t do it on March 12th, then you swipe the entry to the next day and you do it on March 13th.  Now, you brain never again has to wonder which bills are due when.  It’s on the calendar and you don’t think about it until the day it’s time to pay it.

 

which clients I have that day;

On the calendar.  If you need to prep for the client, add another entry the day before.  TOMORROW’S CLIENT:  So and So.  

 

whether I have enough cleaning supplies and if not, which store to stop at to get them on the way;

I keep cleaning supplies in the room where I use them, but I also have duplicates of all cleaning supplies in a closet.  When I run out of windex in the room where I use it, and then have to go do the closet to get the last bottle in the house, I immediately put “windex” on the grocery list.  I grocery shop every other week, so there’s no way I’ll run out of windex before the bottle is used up.  I have doubles of everything: moisturing cream, eye makeup remover, deodorant, toothpaste, cleanser, dishwashing soap, tissues, laundry detergent.  It would be expensive to do this all at once, but as you start running out of things, buy two of them.  One to use right away, and one to have as backup until you get to the store.

 

whether someone needs to take DS to ju-jitsu on Tuesdays and if they need to pick him up as well; whether someone needs to take DS to piano on Wednesdays and/or pick him up;

I coordinate when my son goes to his hapkido lessons with someone else.  (Either the morning or evening class.) I set up an alarm on my ipad that goes off at 9:30 every Thursday morning telling me to “see when Andrew will be at hapkido.”  I don’t think about it until that alarm goes off.  At that point, I immediately send a message to find out when Andrew will be a hapkido. If the person never writes back to me, then I know to take my son to the morning class.  The decision is already made.  

what items are needed from the grocery store and when to do it;

I have a very large whiteboard in the kitchen.  We jot down what is needed on there.  But, I also created in excel a list of the stuff I buy over and over and over.  Every other week, I print out a Word document I made that lists the foods we normally eat.  I circle the ones I plan on eating over the next two weeks (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks.)  I print out my excel list with all the ingredients listed and put a dot next to the ones we’d need for the recipes and cross out the ones we won’t.  Then I walk through the house seeing if we have the ingredients already.  Since I have a list of the recipes and I also have a list of the ingredients, it’s not too hard to choose from the recipes and then dot or cross the ingredient list.  There is space on my excel list for odds and ends that we need from the whiteboard.  There is very little mental load with this, once the inital lists are made. 

 

what time I have to do roughly 25 hours of homework per week before the due dates have passed;

Put the due dates on the calendar.  And also put reminders 2 days before they’re due, to make sure you aren’t scrambling on the due date to do them.  

keep track of when the air filters at church need to be changed;

On the calendar as a repeating entry.  

order more air filters if necessary;

Pre-order them.  As soon as the filter is changed, order the filter for the next time.  Always have filters on hand and order the next set immediately after you’ve put new ones in.  

keep track of who is cleaning the church on a given week;

Calendar.  

keep track of when the wood floors were last treated (I am in charge of building maintenance at my church);

Calendar.  Probably a repeating entry.  Once it’s on the calendar you’ll never have to keep track again.  Your calendar will tell you when it’s due again.

check DS's schoolwork every night; plan out the next lesson that night or the next morning;

Yup.  Gotta do that every night.  But I plan lessons once a week.  You might still have to do it every night.  But keep it on your to-do list anyway, even though you do it daily.  

check to see when new books need to be ordered;

Calendar!  I put this sort of thing on the calendar.  “Order next CLE workbooks”  is on my calendar for April right now.  🙂

 

when does laundry need to be done and how I can fit it in the schedule without leaving it in the washer for too long;

Check to do laundry every single day.  Some days there will be none to do.  Some days there will.  Consider that a daily thing to glance over.  once you start the load, set a timer or alarm for when you’ll next have time that day to toss the laundry into the dryer.  If you have to set the alarm for 2 hours later, that’s fine.  Just set the alarm and forget about it.  In two hours, the alarm will go off and you’ll say, “Oh!  Time to swap out the laundry.”  No thought involved.  

 

when do I need to go get chicken/cat/dog food;

Always have extra on hand, like the cleaning supplies.  Add it to the grocery list when your backup bag/cans are pulled out of the closet.

whether to schedule a meeting with one or two professors (haven't decided);

Ok—that just has to be placed on a to-do list and you do it or not after you think it over.  

when to clean the litter boxes;

Scoop them daily.  Put it on your to-do list. Replace the litter every 3-4 weeks (depending on how many cats and how much litter you put in each box intially)—once replaced put “litter” on the grocery list immediately.  Put the replacing of the litter on the calendar as a repeating entry.  If you can’t get to it one day because you’re busy, swipe it to the next day.  

 

when to clean and vacuum the house;

I don’t do this as often as I shoudl, but I’d put it on the calendar or make a schedule:  Monday is vacuum day.  Tuesday is dust day.  I have low standards and frankly I’m ok with letting this stuff slide for a bit.  

when to plant the seeds;

Calendar about when to buy them.  Look over the calendar for a time of when to plant them and get it on the calendar. 

when and for long am I going to workout that day;

Plan to work out every day.  On the days you miss, that’s ok, because you’ll get to it the very next day.  

 

how long and when should I work on the project for my second job in order to meet the deadlines;

Yes, you’ll have to figure that out on your own.  

do I have clothes for both work and school the next day;

If you’re setting alarms for the laundry, this will get easier.  

need to make sure I have no homework to do on Mondays because of late night work.... and so on...

 

 

 

 

 That calendar is a life saver.  I can put it on there and let it fly out of my head.  When the day rolls around that it’s due, no problem.  And, like I said, I will pre-put things on there.  Like next week:  I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday.  So, on Monday, I’ve put “DENTIST tomorrow!”  That way, I’m double sure I won’t forget the dentist.  If you’re doing all these things without a calendar, then it’s just awful trying to remember it all. 

And keeping extra supplies on hand is huge for me (pet food, furnace filters, etc).  We haven’t run out of anything in years, because there is always an extra bottle/bag/can in a closet somewhere. 

Edited March 14, 2019 by Garga

[Garga]

Volunteering: One year, I started saying no to everything.  I stopped volunteering.  Whenever anyone would call for anything, it was always no.  By the end of the year, I didn’t have any outside committments on my plate, unless I initiated them and wanted them.  And no one called me for help anymore.  I have volunteered since then, but on my terms, which are strict. 

Charity: We give 10% of what we earn to the church.  Plus an additional $X per year for a building fund.  Plus we support a child in an orphanage for $X a month.  Plus $X to a fund for kids with cancer.  Whenever requests for money come to us, I remember that I already give to the above things.  I immediately say no to anything else without even thinking about it.  People who don’t already give thousands upon thousands a year can give to the things I don’t give to.  I have the things I give to...end of story.

In a long post above, I wrote that I use a calendar extensively.  See the post above where I outlined all the places I use it.

And in that same long post, I wrote about how I pre-buy all the supplies in the house. 

I use a lot of alarms.  The kids have pizza for lunch every Monday.  So every Monday at 11:15 an alarm goes off to put the pizza in the oven.  And my pre-written grocery list has “pizza” on it, so I remember to buy it at the store (like everything else we eat weekly.)  I even set up the grocery list to match where things are in the store, so that when I’m  in the store, I can check off the items in order as I pass by them without having to backtrack.  

 

Edited March 14, 2019 by Garga

[Garga]

Just now, StellaM said:

It's sad - I liked volunteering - but sometimes you don't have room in your mental world for it. And it feels really good to stop!

 

Doesn’t it!  It feels AMAZING!  The only volunteering I’ve done since then, is to go to an animal shelter and pet the cats.  OMG.  Best volunteering gig ever.  And I don’t have to committ to anything.  I just show up when I feel like it.  Or not.  Ha!   It feels great!

[Pen]

1 hour ago, Garga said:

I can totally help you with most of this.  You need to pre-buy everything, and if you can find one, get a calendar app and use the calendar app as a to-do list, as well as making a to-do list for the day, however you like (I like my to-do list on paper.)

I have to remember what day it is; which bills are not on autopay and pay them before they're late;

On the calendar app, add an entry for each bill and when it’s due.  For entries like that, you can set it up on the calendar to repeat, so you’d set it up that the bill is due on March 15th, and then you’d click on “monthly” and then every month on March 15th, you’d see that that bill is due.  Actually, set it for March 12th and give yourself three days to get it done, in case something comes up and you can’t do it on the 15th.  You no longer have to think about that bill until March 12.  If you can’t do it on March 12th, then you swipe the entry to the next day and you do it on March 13th.  Now, you brain never again has to wonder which bills are due when.  It’s on the calendar and you don’t think about it until the day it’s time to pay it.

 

which clients I have that day;

On the calendar.  If you need to prep for the client, add another entry the day before.  TOMORROW’S CLIENT:  So and So.  

 

whether I have enough cleaning supplies and if not, which store to stop at to get them on the way;

I keep cleaning supplies in the room where I use them, but I also have duplicates of all cleaning supplies in a closet.  When I run out of windex in the room where I use it, and then have to go do the closet to get the last bottle in the house, I immediately put “windex” on the grocery list.  I grocery shop every other week, so there’s no way I’ll run out of windex before the bottle is used up.  I have doubles of everything: moisturing cream, eye makeup remover, deodorant, toothpaste, cleanser, dishwashing soap, tissues, laundry detergent.  It would be expensive to do this all at once, but as you start running out of things, buy two of them.  One to use right away, and one to have as backup until you get to the store.

 

whether someone needs to take DS to ju-jitsu on Tuesdays and if they need to pick him up as well; whether someone needs to take DS to piano on Wednesdays and/or pick him up;

I coordinate when my son goes to his hapkido lessons with someone else.  (Either the morning or evening class.) I set up an alarm on my ipad that goes off at 9:30 every Thursday morning telling me to “see when Andrew will be at hapkido.”  I don’t think about it until that alarm goes off.  At that point, I immediately send a message to find out when Andrew will be a hapkido. If the person never writes back to me, then I know to take my son to the morning class.  The decision is already made.  

what items are needed from the grocery store and when to do it;

I have a very large whiteboard in the kitchen.  We jot down what is needed on there.  But, I also created in excel a list of the stuff I buy over and over and over.  Every other week, I print out a Word document I made that lists the foods we normally eat.  I circle the ones I plan on eating over the next two weeks (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks.)  I print out my excel list with all the ingredients listed and put a dot next to the ones we’d need for the recipes and cross out the ones we won’t.  Then I walk through the house seeing if we have the ingredients already.  Since I have a list of the recipes and I also have a list of the ingredients, it’s not too hard to choose from the recipes and then dot or cross the ingredient list.  There is space on my excel list for odds and ends that we need from the whiteboard.  There is very little mental load with this, once the inital lists are made. 

 

what time I have to do roughly 25 hours of homework per week before the due dates have passed;

Put the due dates on the calendar.  And also put reminders 2 days before they’re due, to make sure you aren’t scrambling on the due date to do them.  

keep track of when the air filters at church need to be changed;

On the calendar as a repeating entry.  

order more air filters if necessary;

Pre-order them.  As soon as the filter is changed, order the filter for the next time.  Always have filters on hand and order the next set immediately after you’ve put new ones in.  

keep track of who is cleaning the church on a given week;

Calendar.  

keep track of when the wood floors were last treated (I am in charge of building maintenance at my church);

Calendar.  Probably a repeating entry.  Once it’s on the calendar you’ll never have to keep track again.  Your calendar will tell you when it’s due again.

check DS's schoolwork every night; plan out the next lesson that night or the next morning;

Yup.  Gotta do that every night.  But I plan lessons once a week.  You might still have to do it every night.  But keep it on your to-do list anyway, even though you do it daily.  

check to see when new books need to be ordered;

Calendar!  I put this sort of thing on the calendar.  “Order next CLE workbooks”  is on my calendar for April right now.  🙂

 

when does laundry need to be done and how I can fit it in the schedule without leaving it in the washer for too long;

Check to do laundry every single day.  Some days there will be none to do.  Some days there will.  Consider that a daily thing to glance over.  once you start the load, set a timer or alarm for when you’ll next have time that day to toss the laundry into the dryer.  If you have to set the alarm for 2 hours later, that’s fine.  Just set the alarm and forget about it.  In two hours, the alarm will go off and you’ll say, “Oh!  Time to swap out the laundry.”  No thought involved.  

 

when do I need to go get chicken/cat/dog food;

Always have extra on hand, like the cleaning supplies.  Add it to the grocery list when your backup bag/cans are pulled out of the closet.

whether to schedule a meeting with one or two professors (haven't decided);

Ok—that just has to be placed on a to-do list and you do it or not after you think it over.  

when to clean the litter boxes;

Scoop them daily.  Put it on your to-do list.  Clean out the litter every 3-4 weeks.  Put that on the calendar as a repeating entry.  If you can’t get to it one day because you’re busy, swipe it to the next day.  

 

when to clean and vacuum the house;

I don’t do this as often as I shoudl, but I’d put it on the calendar or make a schedule:  Monday is vacuum day.  Tuesday is dust day.  I have low standards and frankly I’m ok with letting this stuff slide for a bit.  

when to plant the seeds;

Calendar about when to buy them.  Look over the calendar for a time of when to plant them and get it on the calendar. 

when and for long am I going to workout that day;

Plan to work out every day.  On the days you miss, that’s ok, because you’ll get to it the very next day.  

 

how long and when should I work on the project for my second job in order to meet the deadlines;

Yes, you’ll have to figure that out on your own.  

do I have clothes for both work and school the next day;

If you’re setting alarms for the laundry, this will get easier.  

need to make sure I have no homework to do on Mondays because of late night work.... and so on...

 

 

 

 

 That calendar is a life saver.  I can put it on there and let it fly out of my head.  When the day rolls around that it’s due, no problem.  And, like I said, I will pre-put things on there.  Like next week:  I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday.  So, on Monday, I’ve put “DENTIST tomorrow!”  That way, I’m double sure I won’t forget the dentist.  If you’re doing all these things without a calendar, then it’s just awful trying to remember it all. 

And keeping extra supplies on hand is huge for me (pet food, furnace filters, etc).  We haven’t run out of anything in years, because there is always an extra bottle/bag/can in a closet somewhere. 

 

I think these are all great ideas!

 

 

Myself, (also like @WendyAndMilo, I think, a single mom?) I’d try to give more “margins” by eliminating a few things.

To me it seems like too much over all, and puts you in danger of burn out ...  

I’d try to take some things off the over all number of To Do items.  

Like this might not be the life season to be managing church furnaces, floors, etc.      

And I’d see what your son can take over (laundry? Ordering pet foods and school books?) 

I got a smart phone recently and tried a bunch of “productivity apps” and found some that help a lot.  If you would like, I can let you know which have seemed especially helpful?

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

OK, can I harness the Hive mind on a mental load issue ?

Ds is unwell with depression. I have no trouble with the things that are practical, like 'make psych appt' or 'take kid to appt' or 'fill script'.

Where I'm feeling the mental load is in being the responsible adult - monitoring behaviour, mood, safety, looking ahead to finding low or moderate cost treatment once he's run our of no-cost sessions, encouraging good diet, physical activity, scaffolding school for the cognitive fog, keeping the environment safe, staying up late to keep ds company. All those kinds of things. Constant mental vigilance, I guess, combined with responsibility for doing.

I am struggling with how to delegate. One adult sister is away. The other is at home, but I am reluctant to add to her load, because she's only just come out of a couple of really awful years herself.

Can y'all give me some realistic suggestions for decreasing the mental load associated with this ? I am coming at it burned out already, due to dd's bad years, and her dad's recent illness, so may be missing ways of approaching this.

I have no experience with this so disregard if it’s impossible or irrelevant because that sounds pretty hard to live with.

I wonder if you could get him into some kind of team/group sport for the physical activity?  It would only be a small thing but it would be one less thing that’s solely on you and if you get a good team/group they are likely to help look after his mental health too.  The culture of the club is critical - some clubs have been demanding and unsupportive and others we’ve had have been really caring about the kids. 

i almost feel like there is a whole separate category here - the emotional load - which is definitely a thing that women carry more of, but also that society used to help carry and no longer does as well.  I think as well, church groups for all their issues used to be there for people in crisis a lot more, whereas it can be hard to replace/replicate that if you don’t have religious beliefs.  Of course church groups have also been responsible for causing emotional problems for people as well so there is that.

[Ausmumof3]

5 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

❤️ @Garga

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that out!  Keeping duplicates on hand of everything is a really good idea.  I’m so used to having no storage space that I haven’t gotten used to the fact that I can buy in bulk or whatever.

I unfortunately can’t schedule laundry because if I throw it into the washer but then am not home for 5 hours, that’s five hours that the other people in the house can’t do laundry.  I had been doing the washer at night on a timer so that it got done right before I got up at 6 and then I’d throw everything into the dryer in time to actually wear the clothes...but when I’m up till 2am doing work/homework there’s no way in hell I’m getting up at 6 and so I have no clothes 😉. So it’s just adhoc, I guess.  

Same with church stuff; sometimes I change the air filters once a month, sometimes sooner depending on how many services we have in that season.  I do buy in a four pack though...

I think I need a more robust calendar on my phone.  

I have my seeds and they’ve been organized as to when they need to be planted....but I haven’t had time to actually plant them or build the greenhouse...sigh.

Are the other people in your house family members?  They could probably just switch the laundry for you if you don’t have time and they need the machine.

[Ausmumof3]

9 hours ago, Storygirl said:

Preparing ahead of time is a strategy that I have implemented for a long time. Making my menu and grocery lists in advance. Making school lunches and laying out school clothes the night before. Planning as far ahead as possible to cover the details related to seasonal stressors, such as vacation packing and Christmas shopping.

These things are effective at reducing the stress of last minute scrambling (though we still have plenty of it, including this morning).

But they don't reduce my mental load. Being responsible for planning these things out ahead of time is part of my mental load and brings stress of it's own. I'm actually a pretty effective planner and less of a doer. So one might think that planning in advance would reduce my stress overall. Instead, it just shifts my stress from immediate panic (and it's good to reduce that!) to the heavier mental load of thinking about all of the things all of the time.

Lists can be somewhat helpful for me but also can be a minefield of their own. The problem is that I carry so many things in my head, that once I begin to make a written (or verbal --- it helps me to talk things out sometimes) list, the list quickly becomes monsterously long and then the list itself seems overwhelming.

I think it would likely help me to have a notebook with a running monster list. And then a separate daily list. I need to be able to download the stuff out of my brain. But I have trouble downloading without overloading myself mentally instead. Making lists can backfire for me, but I think there may be a way to do it that could be better.

 

See if you can find the Mystie Winckler/simplified organisation thing in brain dumping.  It’s pretty good.  In a way brain dumping is a bit like decluttering for your brain.  You pull everything out and see how much is in there and then you sought through which things in the list are absolutely necessary or bring loads of meaning to your life and cross off the rest.  It’s kind of like when you pull all the clothes out your closet.  You really see how much is in there which helps be more ruthless with culling.  

From memory though you have several kids with their own executive function challenges which means your list/load of non negotiable stuff could be pretty heavy. In that case having the full list to show your significant other might be helpful in demonstrating why you are overwhelmed and need him to step up more or some kind of external assistance.  Assuming he’s not a completely selfish person.  I had a girlfriend who had to do this once.  She wrote an entire time sheet for a week like she did at work to show him what she did all day.  Prior to that he was pretty disrespectful but he changed a lot in the way he treated her after seeing it laid out like that.

[Ausmumof3]

5 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Yes please!

For pet food and meds some of those pet food places online will let you set up a recurring order I think.  I wish our grocery shop would let us do that.  I order online but if I could just set up an automatic list that automatically ordered and I only had to add the extra out of the ordinary things for the week it would be amazing!

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

OK, can I harness the Hive mind on a mental load issue ?

Ds is unwell with depression. I have no trouble with the things that are practical, like 'make psych appt' or 'take kid to appt' or 'fill script'.

Where I'm feeling the mental load is in being the responsible adult - monitoring behaviour, mood, safety, looking ahead to finding low or moderate cost treatment once he's run our of no-cost sessions, encouraging good diet, physical activity, scaffolding school for the cognitive fog, keeping the environment safe, staying up late to keep ds company. All those kinds of things. Constant mental vigilance, I guess, combined with responsibility for doing.

I am struggling with how to delegate. One adult sister is away. The other is at home, but I am reluctant to add to her load, because she's only just come out of a couple of really awful years herself.

Can y'all give me some realistic suggestions for decreasing the mental load associated with this ? I am coming at it burned out already, due to dd's bad years, and her dad's recent illness, so may be missing ways of approaching this.

Therapist is actually very helpful in just unpacking my emotional issues from having a child with similar issues. 

But, since you’re handling the emotional stuff can you hand over non emotional things to the daughter? Like cat littler or shopping or something else?

[Pen]

11 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Yes please!

 

One is called Summit.  It allows a “to do” tasks list to be integrated with specific time /day tasks (calendar) appointments.  Very good for repeating items (like bills to pay, laundry, etc) and for giving heads up reminders of upcoming appointments.  Very easy to move items, reschedule, mark done etc.  

Cozi calendar (I have free version), has ability to share it with others (sons, for example, or another adult who might be involved in helping to drive to from activities) thus to coordinate events, task lists, grocery lists.  I find it harder to modify, but have set up standard Grocery Lists (you could have work related lists as well), etc.

I also have been using Amazon a lot to have some shopping arrive to my home.  

There are also some that might, especially in paid premium versions, be able to coordinate with maps etc and tell you to do things when the app recognizes you to be near a place to do it... but I didn’t get to that level.

 

 

[Pen]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

OK, can I harness the Hive mind on a mental load issue ?

Ds is unwell with depression. I have no trouble with the things that are practical, like 'make psych appt' or 'take kid to appt' or 'fill script'.

Where I'm feeling the mental load is in being the responsible adult - monitoring behaviour, mood, safety, looking ahead to finding low or moderate cost treatment once he's run our of no-cost sessions, encouraging good diet, physical activity, scaffolding school for the cognitive fog, keeping the environment safe, staying up late to keep ds company. All those kinds of things. Constant mental vigilance, I guess, combined with responsibility for doing.

I am struggling with how to delegate. One adult sister is away. The other is at home, but I am reluctant to add to her load, because she's only just come out of a couple of really awful years herself.

Can y'all give me some realistic suggestions for decreasing the mental load associated with this ? I am coming at it burned out already, due to dd's bad years, and her dad's recent illness, so may be missing ways of approaching this.

 

Are there things you can decrease?

Like don’t try to do academic school.  Have school be learning about nutrition and preparing healthy food together.  Involve him in whatever you can.

Get physical exercise together.

 

Perhaps don’t cross bridges until you are close, so don’t search yet for other care options if they may not be needed, andcwhen you do, have him participate.

It’s more important in long run than math, I think.  

[Pen]

26 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

We're doing low academics, but I feel like it's important to keep up some structure.

He's really resistant to exercise since he got unwell, unfortunately.

I'm not sure what to decrease. 

Pretty much I do the household stuff (dd cooks a fair bit when she's here, I menu plan and shop to a list, do minimal house care and no yard work), low key home ed, paid work, and job hunting. I would like to drop the home ed and/or the job hunting, but not sure whether I can.

I can see how reducing the amount of anticipatory mental effort could be helpful. I am primed to expect the worst from experiencing it with dd I guess. Good reminder to look at that. Thanks.

 

Here at local high school,  “health” and “Physical education” are required by the state, (not every year, but could be if seemed important, which for depression it probably is) .

“resistant” would be greeted with “too bad-not optional”.  

 Even  though we don’t officially have any “tech” program,“culinary arts” (less fancy name could be cooking) and some other hands on classes are available as electives.   4 hours per school day officially at BM school for credits, could easily be cooking, health, PE, and some other hands on thing like a future farmers related gardening class .  In a very structured, required daily way.   Some kids who can’t do more vigorous sports for PE do yoga and meditation.  

Done together  ( cook together, meditation together, do housework together etc) it could be good for both of you.  Maybe reduce some stress and increase some well being at same time.  

 

That’s where I’d be inclined to start.  Maybe listen to audio books or current events on radio while cooking and cleaning or talk about things for “social studies”...   work in as much math to the practical activities as possible, have him research and write about health topics.

If you cannot actually take a job due to required vigilance needed over Ds, maybe put job hunt on back burner. 

By home Ed do you mean homeschooling?  What keeps you from dropping it if you want to do so?

Edited March 15, 2019 by Pen

[Corraleno]

I know that for some people, having absolutely everything scheduled to the minute relieves the mental load, but for me it just adds to it. So, for example, I don't schedule grocery shopping or cooking or do any meal planning. Like, at all. I find that it takes far more time and effort and mental energy for me to plan a whole week's meals in advance, buy those specific things, and then deal with the fact that inevitably one or both kids will be gone the night I was planning a big meal, and/or things are running late on the night I was going to do a slow-cooked risotto and I'd rather just have an omelet, so all the meals have to be switched around, etc. 

So now I just keep a really well-stocked pantry and freezer, and I shop for fresh produce, eggs, and dairy every 7-10 days or so. I buy a standard list of fruit & veg every time, and then add a few other things that look good that week. I make a lot of stir-fries, soups, curries, noodle bowls, omelets/frittatas, chopped salads, and other one-dish meals, so it's easy to make lots of different meals based on whatever I happen to have on hand, depending on how much time and energy I have, and who will be home for dinner.

The basics I usually keep on hand are tomatoes, red and yellow peppers, cucumbers, mushrooms, potatoes, baby carrots, red and green onions, avocados, assorted greens, fresh ginger, garlic, basil & cilantro, bananas, apples, and citrus. Whenever I go to the grocery store, I top those up and add a few other things for variety  — one week it might be butternut squash, cauliflower, pears, and kiwis, and another week it might be asparagus, baby zucchini, blueberries, and mangoes. The pantry always includes plenty of flour, sugar, oats, several kinds of rice, several kinds of pasta, various noodles (udon, ramen, soba), canned chickpeas, cannellini beans, black beans, coconut milk, vegetable broth, and canned tomatoes. There are usually jars of olives, artichoke hearts, capers, pine nuts, and bread yeast in the fridge, as well as several different cheeses. If I've been to Trader Joe's recently there will also be marinated mozzarella and feta.  I buy gigantic packs of flour tortillas, big bags of almonds and/or other nuts, and large jars of organic peanut butter, jam, and honey at Costco, which is usually a once-a-month trip. With those basics, I can make a really wide variety of meals on the fly without having to think about it. 

DD and I eat a lot of chopped salads, the base for which is chopped tomatoes, peppers, red & green onions, and cucumbers. We make a giant container of that, toss it with olive oil and a little lemon, and then each day we scoop some into a bowl and add different things to it — e.g. add black beans, frozen roasted corn, avocado, cilantro, lime juice, and red pepper flakes, and eat with quesadilla wedges. Or add cannellini beans, artichoke hearts, arugula, marinated mozzarella, fresh basil, and a drizzle of balsamic vinegar, and serve with garlic bread or toss with rotini for a warm pasta salad. Or add chickpeas, olives, oregano, spinach, and feta and serve with pita bread or toss with couscous. If there's still some of the base left on day 4 or 5, I will fry it in a pan with some spinach and mushrooms and use it in an omelet or frittata. So that covers 4-5 days of lunches, and the other lunches will usually be leftovers from dinner or a quick noodle bowl of some kind.

Dinners are usually just different combinations of vegetables made into soup, pasta, risotto, or stir-fry. Since DD and I don't eat meat, I will usually throw some cannellini or black beans into the soup or pasta, chickpeas into the curry, and frozen edamame into the stir fry. Dinner doesn't create any mental load, because I literally don't think about it until I'm ready to cook. Then I'll open the fridge and think OK, there's a ton of mushrooms here that are nearly past their prime, some cannelini beans left from yesterday's salad, fresh basil, and a big hunk of peccorino, and there's always plenty of garlic, onions, rice and vegetable broth in the pantry, so we'll have mushroom risotto tonight.  Or I'll see that I haven't used much of the spinach that week, and there's a couple of leftover baked sweet potatoes, and we've got plenty of yoghurt and frozen mangoes, so I'll make curried lentils with spinach and sweet potatoes and mango lassi. Or I've got a big bunch of baby asparagus and a Meyer lemon and there's a little heavy cream left and some parmesan, so we'll have linguini with grilled asparagus and capers in a lemon cream sauce. Or maybe its late and I'm super tired so I just throw some udon or ramen noodles into some broth, add some ginger, green onions, frozen broccoli & edamame, cook it till the broth is mostly evaporated, add some soy sauce, a little sesame oil, and sesame seeds, and 15 minutes later I've got dinner. 

 

[Pen]

9 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

Thanks Pen. 

Yeah, the whole 'have to get a f/t job b/c money' isn't jiving too well with 'have to stay home because ds is sick'. It's a conundrum.

I feel like we have to finish out the year. School just isn't viable this year. 

Re resistance - it's not a character issue, it's a health issue.  If he was enrolled at school, he'd be off sick.

I am hoping for a senior high school or community-type college next year, but that will depend, I guess, on how well he is by then. 

 

 

 

 

 

Obviously, I don’t know what all illness he has.  

But I think there are a lot of studies showing that exercise is an important help in overcoming depression. If he’s too ill to exercise, what about breathing practice?  Mild walking or even stretching and moving a tiny bit while bed ridden?

It sounds like a lot of Catch 22.  Can’t ____ (exercise ) because of ____ (illness),  but can’t  ____ (improve mental health), because of _____ (no exercise). 

 

[Pen]

1 minute ago, StellaM said:

 

It is Catch 22.  Major depressive disorder sucks. 

I guess I am not doing a good job of communicating that he's really unwell. 

Ideally, someone else would do the cajoling required to get these things happening.  I just spent two hours - popping up and down from my desk - encouraging him to get up and eat breakfast. I'd love to hire someone to be his positive behaviour coach! I am there for any suggestions as to how to be one myself.

 

Is a short period of inpatient help possible?  That’s the only way I can think of to have someone else be able to coach him.

Is he on medications?

[Pen]

7 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

He's started meds. Not effective yet.

Most of that kind of coaching is private here.  I wish he had uncles or someone like that who could step in.

Do you really think it would be OK to pull back on school even more for a teen ?  OK to be 'irresponsible' and pull back on job hunting ? Just work and look after ds ?

 

 

Yes.  I do think it would be okay.  

[Storygirl]

2 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

See if you can find the Mystie Winckler/simplified organisation thing in brain dumping.  It’s pretty good.  In a way brain dumping is a bit like decluttering for your brain.  You pull everything out and see how much is in there and then you sought through which things in the list are absolutely necessary or bring loads of meaning to your life and cross off the rest.  It’s kind of like when you pull all the clothes out your closet.  You really see how much is in there which helps be more ruthless with culling.  

From memory though you have several kids with their own executive function challenges which means your list/load of non negotiable stuff could be pretty heavy. In that case having the full list to show your significant other might be helpful in demonstrating why you are overwhelmed and need him to step up more or some kind of external assistance.  Assuming he’s not a completely selfish person.  I had a girlfriend who had to do this once.  She wrote an entire time sheet for a week like she did at work to show him what she did all day.  Prior to that he was pretty disrespectful but he changed a lot in the way he treated her after seeing it laid out like that.

Thank you!

Yes to the bolded. Doing the EF thinking for my scattered children definitely contributes to my mental stress. DH helps a ton. We are both worn out, really. When the kids were little and we were homeschooling, I used to try to explain it to him like this: "Imagine spending your whole day at work as a supervisor, trying to teach people things over and over that they don't get, while they pout and complain and undermine your efforts with bad attitude. And often they yell at you and are disrespectful. When one happens to have a good day, two others are off kilter. And you don't seem to be making any progress with any of it. And then after a full day of that, you have to bring them home with you and cook them supper and get them ready for bed." 😏

Honestly, I think a lot of my feeling of mental load now is due to being overloaded for so many years back then. I just plain ran out of capacity.

DH gets it. But he doesn't. He cares, and he will take on specific tasks when I ask. But I have to ask. And he forgets, so I have to ask again. And I ask him to make himself a reminder RIGHT THEN on his phone, so that I don't have to ask any more. And sometimes he doesn't. And so even when I have handed over a task to him, if it's not a normal thing, I still have it floating around in my head, worried that it is not being taken care of.  I have to remind him to call his mom sometimes, for example. Why should I need to do that?

But if it is something he does daily, he is helpful. He is helpful with wrangling the kids in the evenings. Even though they are teens, they still need a lot from us, and he always helps with that. But other things are harder. He doesn't mean to let me carry the bulk of the mental load, but his brain is compartmentalized; he only thinks about ONE THING AT A TIME!!! I can't even imagine having a brain like that. 😂🤣😂

Anyway, I bought a notebook while I was at the store today. If I do a brain dump, I will share it with him for sure!!

A couple of weeks ago, when I was super stressed, I asked him if he could please make a list of everything that we needed to accomplish. I said I needed him to be the one to make the list, and then we could sit down and I could add to it. I said I just needed to feel like I was not the only one thinking about all of these things. He did make a list -- he is willing to try -- and we talked about it and managed to cross a couple of things off together. But I have not seen the list since. Having a list together as a couple seemed like a good idea, but it only worked for that day. Then he put everything out of his mind again, and I kept thinking about it all.

Sigh. I do think there are ways for me to make it better for myself. I'll look at the brain dumping info you mentioned.