MILs....sigh

[Soror]

Gives me very good practice at learning not to care about what other people think.

Am I the only one that fantasizes about things they'd like to say to my MIL?

Please join my vent ?

Edited September 24, 2018 by soror

[PrincessMommy]

I get it... although it was my mom.  I learned a lot about how not to be a grandma from her.   

My daughter has a micromanaging mother-in-law.  It's been hard. 

[alisoncooks]

My MIL is fine...but my SIL... *sigh* 

Yes, I fantasize about what would happen if I didn't hold my tongue. 

[Soror]

The hilarious thing that MIL told me here a month or so ago is how her Mom was always so great in letting her kids live their own life and not be judgemental and she strives to do the same. If I'd been drinking something I'd shot it out my nose. She then said 2 or 3 times how it is so hard to see your kids make mistakes and not say anything, which was her fishing to have me ask her what those mistakes are... HA.. I could guess. Being passive aggressive does not count as being non-judgmental. She seems to harbor under the delusion that she knows all the right way to do things, certainly she doesn't make mistakes. I'd LOVE to really let loose but you can't put the cat back in the bag. I'd just love to tell her how many times I've had to make her son go to events and participate, she seems to think I've stolen him away.

[gardenmom5]

mil's family is, kinda, cray-cray.  the wife o  one of dh's cousins, once found a 'poster' that said "happiness is your mil's picture on a milk-carton."  (ala those missing person adverts on milk cartons in the 80's.   and as cray-cray as my mil is, her sister was worse.)

 

while I've come to appreciate mil's finer points, it will be a wake for her children and descendants when she dies.  though the general consensus is she's too ornery to die.  dh just bought her hearing aids.  he was commenting it has a six-month refund. . . . so, she'll live for at least another six months and a day.  she's 93.

[gardenmom5]

Once, many years ago, I told mil how glad I was I fullfilled her need to criticize people.  . . she ranted for a full half-hour about how she doesn't like to criticize people.  it actually did make me feel better, and I was able to giggle (behind my hand.)

[gardenmom5]

6 minutes ago, soror said:

The hilarious thing that MIL told me here a month or so ago is how her Mom was always so great in letting her kids live their own life and not be judgemental and she strives to do the same. If I'd been drinking something I'd shot it out my nose. She then said 2 or 3 times how it is so hard to see your kids make mistakes and not say anything, which was her fishing to have me ask her what those mistakes are... HA.. I could guess. Being passive aggressive does not count as being non-judgmental. She seems to harbor under the delusion that she knows all the right way to do things, certainly she doesn't make mistakes. I'd LOVE to really let loose but you can't put the cat back in the bag. I'd just love to tell her how many times I've had to make her son go to events and participate, she seems to think I've stolen him away.

based on my limited experience (especially with my grandmother, who really was worse than mil) - those who want to control how everyone else does things becasue "they know all the right things to do" . . . are generally out of control in their own life (even if it doesn't look that way on the surface).  insecure in who they are, etc.

[creekland]

I'll freely admit it.  I ruined my dh after MIL had given him such a great upbringing.  She hated me until Alzheimers started setting in and my kids grew up to be terrific people in spite of how they were raised.  That brought some nice comments.  Once Alzheimers really set in, then I was loved.  Alzheimers is a weird thing.

In spite of my ruining dh, he went from being voted "Most Likely to Be Shot by His Own Troops" in college (true story) to being loved by absolutely everyone now - clients and fellow workers included.  People seek him out to do work (civil engineering) for them and he never spends a dime on advertisement.  My mom loves him more than me... (he is the better overall person - I have my moments).

Go figure.

[mamaraby]

12 minutes ago, soror said:

The hilarious thing that MIL told me here a month or so ago is how her Mom was always so great in letting her kids live their own life and not be judgemental and she strives to do the same. If I'd been drinking something I'd shot it out my nose. She then said 2 or 3 times how it is so hard to see your kids make mistakes and not say anything, which was her fishing to have me ask her what those mistakes are... HA.. I could guess. Being passive aggressive does not count as being non-judgmental. She seems to harbor under the delusion that she knows all the right way to do things, certainly she doesn't make mistakes. I'd LOVE to really let loose but you can't put the cat back in the bag. I'd just love to tell her how many times I've had to make her son go to events and participate, she seems to think I've stolen him away.

Hey, you’ve met my MIL! Not on her self-professed non-judgemental, live their own life thing, but everything that follows. Dh has reached middle age and his parents still treat him like a kid. Drives me nuts because dh is and always has been the most responsible, mature person. Their treatment of him is undeserved.

They blame me for everything they don’t approve of, but I’m often the one who makes sure cards go out on holidays, etc. One of these days, I’m going to tire of doing that. tbh, I’ve about reached my limit.

[Soror]

5 minutes ago, mamaraby said:

They blame me for everything they don’t approve of, but I’m often the one who makes sure cards go out on holidays, etc. One of these days, I’m going to tire of doing that. tbh, I’ve about reached my limit.

 

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ya'll are great, love the stories of commiseration. I do try to think that MIL is obviously pretty darn miserable with as negative as she always has been.

Be the bigger person, blah, blah, blah! It is getting easier but sometimes, sometimes he makes these comments.

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, creekland said:

I'll freely admit it.  I ruined my dh after MIL had given him such a great upbringing.  She hated me until Alzheimers started setting in and my kids grew up to be terrific people in spite of how they were raised.  That brought some nice comments.  Once Alzheimers really set in, then I was loved.  Alzheimers is a weird thing.

In spite of my ruining dh, he went from being voted "Most Likely to Be Shot by His Own Troops" in college (true story) to being loved by absolutely everyone now - clients and fellow workers included.  People seek him out to do work (civil engineering) for them and he never spends a dime on advertisement.  My mom loves him more than me... (he is the better overall person - I have my moments).

Go figure.

My MIL improved with dementia also. She forgot that she hated me. She was very happy until her death. (I realize that the personality changes can go the other way. ) 

[Angie in VA]

I know of someone who has dreamed - more than once - that she punched her MIL  in the face. Wow! Talk about suppressed thoughts!

[Arcadia]

2 hours ago, PrincessMommy said:

My daughter has a micromanaging mother-in-law.  It's been hard. 

 

1 hour ago, soror said:

I do try to think that MIL is obviously pretty darn miserable with as negative as she always has been.

 

My MIL’s behavior stems mostly from insecurity due to childhood poverty and then married into a patriarchal family. She was literally married off at 18.

My late paternal grandma was domineering and just like to be in control. She reminds people of Margaret Thatcher, that’s how she is. 

It’s easy to ignore MIL since nothing you say sinks in anyway unless it’s juicy gossip which she happily repeats. For my late grandma, we had to be blunt and not be a doormat. My late grandma would just boss around anyone she could boss.

[lynn]

I gave up holding my tongue when I turned 50.  Im just so over some people and call them out.

[Guest]

I have a wonderful MIL. Some of those SILs, though...

I am always aware that I will probably be a MIL not so long for now, so I have to remember that. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

My mil and I used to be very close. We'd go places together, just the two of us, had local theater season tickets, and more. She always referred to herself as "Mom," and she claimed to love her daughters-in-law as much as her own children.

Flash forward 25 years. She and I had a falling out about 8 years ago.

She called me last week when she was unable to reach my husband by phone. I let it go through to voice mail. Her message began with, "Hi, ThisIsTheDay. This is Martha Lastname."

I about fell on the floor laughing. But it was only kind of funny.

[scholastica]

My MIL is pretty great. My dh's MIL is a trifle difficult at times, but she means well. ? Luckily, he is very good at dealing with her. 

[BooksandBoys]

Yep. Sometimes, I think the dementia has already started because she’ll tell a story about how badly her MIL treated her (one of the five stories she’s told a thousand times), then literally within two minutes, she’s doing the thing to me that she was JUST griping about. It’s mind-boggling. I’m reaching the point where I’m struggling to hold my tongue...especially as her barbs get even more pointed.

Edited September 25, 2018 by BooksandBoys

[Shoeless]

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Edited October 4, 2020 by MissLemon

[mumto2]

My mil was Hyacinth Bucket, the tv character on Keeping Up Appearances, even looked like her.  She was challenging and mean with views that changed to suit her control freak purposes.  My Dh was perfect and I was awful until I had kids which was about the same time she had a stroke.   I became a saint and Dh couldn’t do anything right after that.  It was much worse that way......broke my heart.  

[Soror]

17 hours ago, lynn said:

I gave up holding my tongue when I turned 50.  Im just so over some people and call them out.

Maybe by 50 I'll be there. 

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, BooksandBoys said:

Yep. Sometimes, I think the dementia has already started because she’ll tell a story about how badly her MIL treated her (one of the five stories she’s told a thousand times), then literally within two minutes, she’s doing the thing to me that she was JUST griping about. It’s mind-boggling. I’m reaching the point where I’m struggling to hold my tongue...especially as her barbs get even more pointed.

it doesn't take dementia for them to lose their filter. but you do find out what a person is really like under all the layers.

dishing back at them what they do, isn't really worth it.   it just makes you like them.   boundaries work better and you get to keep your integrity.

(alzheimers in a game changer.  it can completely change a personality.)

4 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

Now, if y'all want to rant about wicked step-mothers,

Stepmother #1 died and left a letter for "the family", to be read after she was gone.   , that woman   . . . . did everything she could to sabotage my relationships with my siblings and father.  I don't miss her at all.    

Stepmother #2 threatened to make my kid "disappear" if I didn't agree that she had ultimate authority over me, my kid, and my husband.    . . .My father finally wisened up and is divorcing her.  I plan to wear a red dress to the court house when the divorce is finalized.  Champagne for everyone!        

 

my brother claims both of his ex-wives have borderline personality disorder.**  (one day he described ex#1 in detail, and I commented she sounded "just" like grandmama.  - a woman I'm positive had some sort of personality disorder.  I thought he was going to strangle me for saying such a horrible thing about grandmama . . .but he was driving at freeway speeds and kept his hands on the wheel. )    the one question I'd like to ask him - what is it about your personality, that you would marry, not one, but two women like this???  (my opinion was he married women like grandmama, becasue he was her golden child and could do no wrong. (as opposed to my sister- the favorite/victim she could rescue after she pushed her into the pit)   he thought a wife would treat him the same way.

I'm glad your dad wised up, and hope he doens't marry another woman like his previous two wives.

 

** I know ex#2 is not stable - her employer in another state called the men in white coats on her.  she was supposed to have had a mental health eval, but they moved to another state and there was no follow through.   

[SereneHome]

Well......on the day that my husband proposed to me, his mother said to him, while we were all standing in her kitchen "you really shouldn't marry her, she won't be a supportive wife to you".   It all went downhill from there......

[shawthorne44]

My MIL could be worse.   She actually means well in her own delusional way.   Her personality is that every silver lining has a cloud, and she is the queen of the barbs disguised as a compliment.  The saving grace is that I like her better than DH, so I don't need to hold back.  One time when DH and I had been married just a few months, MIL was fussing at me about some perceived lack of manners in DH.   I said, "And who raised him?"   I'm still proud of that one.  

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

Well......on the day that my husband proposed to me, his mother said to him, while we were all standing in her kitchen "you really shouldn't marry her, she won't be a supportive wife to you".   It all went downhill from there......

The day we announced our engagement my soon-to-be MIL sat next to me and told me about all the Filipinas (by name) that she wished Dh would marry instead.

The first two years of our marriage my ILs “did not know” my name. I would call and they would say “Jean who”?  

When we moved to a city close to them we were supposed to live across town. MIL had a huge tantrum and insisted that we live just ten minutes away. Because we were poor and were renting from my ILs we had to give in. MIL had keys and would come in anytime she wanted. 

Right after we moved close by she called to say that she had dh’s dinner ready. I said, “What a coincidence!  So do I”. Dh very wisely chose to eat my dinner because that was a make or break moment for me on his priorities. If he had given in then and on her subsequent tries (she didn’t give up easily) then he would have been “hers” forever. (Obviously he was her son forever but I am taking about primary allegiance). 

When I was pregnant with my first she told me “once you have the baby I will raise him”. Um. No. I didn’t trust them even to babysit much without me there because they weren’t really safe with babies. 

In our case dementia made it better because she lost the ability to make choices and could no longer choose to try to run our lives. 

Edited September 25, 2018 by Jean in Newcastle

[mumto2]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

The day we announced our engagement my soon-to-be MIL sat next to me and told me about all the Filipinas (by name) that she wished Dh would marry instead.

The first two years of our marriage my ILs “did not know” my name. I would call and they would say “Jean who”?  

When we moved to a city close to them we were supposed to live across town. MIL had a huge tantrum and insisted that we live just ten minutes away. Because we were poor and were renting from my ILs we had to give in. MIL had keys and would come in anytime she wanted. 

Right after we moved close by she called to say that she had dh’s dinner ready. I said, “What a coincidence!  So do I”. Dh very wisely chose to eat my dinner because that was a make or break moment for me on his priorities. If he had given in then and on her subsequent tries (she didn’t give up easily) then he would have been “hers” forever. (Obviously he was her son forever but I am taking about primary allegiance). 

When I was pregnant with my first she told me “once you have the baby I will raise him”. Um. No. I didn’t trust them even to babysit much without me there because they weren’t really safe with babies. 

In our case dementia made it better because she lost the ability to make choices and could no longer choose to try to run our lives. 

I have a classic dinner mil story too.  My in laws moved 500 yards away around our second anniversary.  That summer I was laid off from my job and deciding what I wanted to do next which meant I was cooking very fancy recipes for my ability.  Dh had picked that night’s meal out and I had spent the entire day shopping and preparing our feast.  He promised to be home at 6.  Around five I looked out the window and his car was in front of mil house so I continued cooking knowing he would be home.  At 6:10 no Dh so I called, she answered, I was super polite and just asked her to tell Dh dinner was ready to eat.  She hung up on me saying Dh was HERS.  Dh showed up about 20 minutes later looking like he had escaped from something dreadful with no idea I had called.  I couldn’t even be mad, just apologized because the meal was overdone.  He never stopped on his way home after and we started looking for a new place to live.

[gardenmom5]

I'm down here visting dd and dsil . . . I've always considered 2sil (dh's sis), as aiming to take the place of their mother as family resident toxic person. (one of her daugther's has said how sil's reminding her more and more of mil.)  prima dona etc. - at her daugther's bridal shower and another's baby shower - she literally made herself the center of attention.  at least at one of them, her bff grabbed her and dragged her to another room to talk so the daughter could be the center of attention at her own shower.

so - I'm down her visiting dd and dsil so I can play with new grandbaby.  I'm told . . . 2sil flat out asked (jokingly) dsil why he couldn't have married one of her daughters?  even as a joke - who says that?  (especially since all of her daughters are married.)  bless dsil for having as quick a wit as dd - "don't worry, I won't tell (insert her favorite son-in-law's name) you said that".

put's a whole new spin on 2niece's (the one who is supposed to be soooo sweeet!) - commenting, to me, dd doesn't belong in our family.

[SereneHome]

My SIL told me when I was 8 mo pregnant with my first child that I will be a terrible mother bc I didn't want to buy whole life insurance for myself.   That was said in my house.  While they were visiting my husband and I  based on MY invitation. 

9 yrs later  I made a mistake of inviting her and her husband to spend a weekend at our house again.  She told me that they can't bc they are traveling to meet  her husband's half-sister who he never met before and never knew about.  She then asked me if  they could drop off their dog and their brand new puppy over our house to dog-sit for them.

 

[LucyStoner]

My MIL is pretty great (I’m feeling especially appreciative because just this month she announced, apropos of nothing, that she is paying off our student loans!) but her husband is a handful.  And then some.  We smile and nod a lot. He used to drive me insane but now I pretty much just ignore him.  He’s technically my husband’s step dad but it doesn’t feel that way because they have been married less time than we have been together.  I find myself gently trolling him in certain ways.  For instance, he takes issue with he fact that the boys have my last name and that we all use my last name rather than my husband’s name.  He’s made some derisive comments about what this means for our relationship, to the end that I must “wear the pants” in the relationship.  So we do things to confuse him, like I wait on my husband like a 1950s housewife stereotype when he’s around.  Which is what he thinks women should do but it doesn’t reconcile with our personalities at all and thus seems to confuse and even distress him.  

If you ever want to watch a rumble, get my crazy liberal dad into the same room as MIL’s crazy conservative dad and watch them both spiral out.of.all.reason.

 

Edited September 26, 2018 by LucyStoner

[Shoeless]

.

Edited October 4, 2020 by MissLemon

[gardenmom5]

8 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I've told my dad, and not at all jokingly, that if he brings home any more women I will probably stop talking to him unless he's willing to see us solo.  Between my mom and the two step-mothers, I'm 100% done. 

maybe counseling - so he can learn how to pick a good woman, instead of a nutso one . . . .

[Scarlett]

On ‎9‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 10:07 PM, LucyStoner said:

My MIL is pretty great (I’m feeling especially appreciative because just this month she announced, apropos of nothing, that she is paying off our student loans!) but her husband is a handful.  And then some.  We smile and nod a lot. He used to drive me insane but now I pretty much just ignore him.  He’s technically my husband’s step dad but it doesn’t feel that way because they have been married less time than we have been together.  I find myself gently trolling him in certain ways.  For instance, he takes issue with he fact that the boys have my last name and that we all use my last name rather than my husband’s name.  He’s made some derisive comments about what this means for our relationship, to the end that I must “wear the pants” in the relationship.  So we do things to confuse him, like I wait on my husband like a 1950s housewife stereotype when he’s around.  Which is what he thinks women should do but it doesn’t reconcile with our personalities at all and thus seems to confuse and even distress him.  

If you ever want to watch a rumble, get my crazy liberal dad into the same room as MIL’s crazy conservative dad and watch them both spiral out.of.all.reason.

 

This made me laugh so hard.  Thank you.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, 5lilpumpkins said:

I take comfort in that they can not live forever.

We hear that.  The conclusion,  including her own children. Is she's too ornery to die.  She's 93.