Making new friends is hard

[ktgrok]

I have a very best friend, but she lives several hours away and we both have littles so we don't see each other. We do message almost daily, etc. I have a good group of friends locally, and we get together sometimes and communicate on social media a lot, and I love them, but they do not share my faith, which can be an issue sometimes. (not as in an issue with my friendship, but an issue in that I don't have anyone to talk to about spiritual or religious stuff. My family is not religious either.)

So, I pushed past my nervousness and introvert tendencies and spoke with a mom in the pew behind me a Mass a few weeks ago. She had 5 children to my 4, and about the same ages, and was just lovely. So I spoke up and asked if she homeschooled and she did! She even is part of a local group I didn't know about, and told me the name of it so I could find it on facebook. I asked to join two weeks ago and have not been added. I even saw on the member list that I knew someone else in the group and asked her to mention me to the admin. Not sure if she did, but still nothing. Now, the group doesn't do much over the summer per the mom I spoke to at Mass, but still......feels kind of yucky to not be let in. 

Then, I pushed past even MORE nerves and went to a Mom's group meeting at my parish. I went during the week of VBS so my 8 and 5 yr old were there, and I just had the 1 yr old. They say "kids welcome" and I specifically asked while there if my kids, since they are school age and not toddlers, would be welcome. They said of course. I was heartened. I even volunteered to be co-chair of the service projects they do. Then a few days later I got an email saying they thought it over, and realized that they were not comfortable discussing the hardships of parenting with older kids there who might be listening. Which I get. But basically I put myself out there, pushed past my nerves, went, had a good time, and then got disinvited. Sigh.

Feeling like it just wasn't worth it. 

 

UPDATE!!!!!

After Quill's advice to keep trying with the one group I found the admin's info and messaged her on facebook. She responded immediately and said that there must be a facebook glitch, as she couldn't see me listed as pending. She had me cancel my request and then request to join again, and then added me to the group ?

It's an inclusive, secular group, which is just fine, but I know at least one other Catholic family goes there, so maybe we can be friends.  I feel like I'm 12 saying that, lol. 

I've also considered starting a homeschool support group at my parish but just am not sure I'm up for running it right now. Maybe if the other woman is interested too we could do something at some point. Who knows. 

At least this is a start. And it's local, which is nice when most stuff around here is a 30 minute drive. 

 

[happi duck]

(hugs)

I hate when stuff like that happens 

[katilac]

Might there be a solution for the school-age kids? Is there a room or outside area where a mother's helper could watch them? Other moms might have an interest in this as well. 

It's tough out there. Keep stalking the mom at mass, lol. 

[Bluegoat]

Oh, that's a drag.  I think that kind of disinviting happens because people want to be open and welcoming, but then they sit back later and realize that there is a problem.  

I'd not worry about the other thing yet - groups like that are often administratively challenged.  

It is hard to make friends, but you are doing all the right things, and eventually you'l find a spot to fit in and you'll be able to talk to people and develop some friendships.  It just takes a lot longer than it seems it should.

[HollyDay]

33 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I have a very best friend, but she lives several hours away and we both have littles so we don't see each other. We do message almost daily, etc. I have a good group of friends locally, and we get together sometimes and communicate on social media a lot, and I love them, but they do not share my faith, which can be an issue sometimes. (not as in an issue with my friendship, but an issue in that I don't have anyone to talk to about spiritual or religious stuff. My family is not religious either.)

So, I pushed past my nervousness and introvert tendencies and spoke with a mom in the pew behind me a Mass a few weeks ago. She had 5 children to my 4, and about the same ages, and was just lovely. So I spoke up and asked if she homeschooled and she did! She even is part of a local group I didn't know about, and told me the name of it so I could find it on facebook. I asked to join two weeks ago and have not been added. I even saw on the member list that I knew someone else in the group and asked her to mention me to the admin. Not sure if she did, but still nothing. Now, the group doesn't do much over the summer per the mom I spoke to at Mass, but still......feels kind of yucky to not be let in. 

Then, I pushed past even MORE nerves and went to a Mom's group meeting at my parish. I went during the week of VBS so my 8 and 5 yr old were there, and I just had the 1 yr old. They say "kids welcome" and I specifically asked while there if my kids, since they are school age and not toddlers, would be welcome. They said of course. I was heartened. I even volunteered to be co-chair of the service projects they do. Then a few days later I got an email saying they thought it over, and realized that they were not comfortable discussing the hardships of parenting with older kids there who might be listening. Which I get. But basically I put myself out there, pushed past my nerves, went, had a good time, and then got disinvited. Sigh.

Feeling like it just wasn't worth it. 

This has happened to me more times than I can count.  My kids are either too old or too young.  I'm either too old or too young (I had first dd when I was 35 and 2nd when I was 38). Recently a homeschool mentoring group has started and I wanted to participate.  But, my dc are in college now and I'm "not up on all the newest online programs."  No, I suppose since youngest graduated high school last year, I'm out of date (would put snarky smiley face but that requires technology knowledge).  By the way, oldest is Phi Theta Kappa and graduated community college with 3.9 and had multiple 4 year university acceptances.  Youngest scored the highest on her math final at her college.  So, I do have homeschool success to pass on......Rant over....sigh

I too am a bit of an introvert and would like to be met with more inclusion.  I got up my nerve to attend a home group ladies book club that started last Aug.  Flyer said all were welcome, meets twice a month.  I was interested in the book and thought it would be good to meet some other ladies.  I was encouraged that older women and recent college graduates were there.  I thought it would be fun.  As I was about to sign up for snacks, the leader approached me and asked me not to wear "scent" anymore as it is bothersome to many. Being considerate of others, I had not worn any "scent,"  no perfume, no lotion, etc.  I mentioned this and she smiled "that smile," patted my arm, and said to be more careful next time.  I did not go back.  By the way, the only thing I can figure was my shampoo or conditioner perhaps had a scent (from morning shower ?) .  Or maybe it was actually an established group and they really didn't want any new people. 

I frequently don't understand the not welcome attitude.  Dh's job transferred him often in our early married years.  We were always the new people.  We learned from that try to open up circles and include others, not close them down and leave others out. 

[ktgrok]

37 minutes ago, katilac said:

Might there be a solution for the school-age kids? Is there a room or outside area where a mother's helper could watch them? Other moms might have an interest in this as well. 

It's tough out there. Keep stalking the mom at mass, lol. 

I suggested that. They did say they are working on maybe having a baby-sitter in the future but until them I'm limited to attending some of their family events. 

[Garga]

I know it’s hard, I really do, but keep trying if you want to join an established group.

15 years ago, I moved to this area and it happened that a bible study for moms opened up at my new church right after I arrived.  They would meet every other week and we took turns watching the kids.

One of the women decided to open up her home for lunch after each bible study.  So, every other week, a group of us would go to her house and eat soup from her crock pot.  Everyone was always invited, but usually it was the same group who showed up.  She’d say over and over that everyone was invited.  When a new person showed up, we were always happy to see them.

But, as is the nature of things, the same people kept coming for whatever reasons—they felt a connection, they had the time, whatever.  

We met every other week for about 7 years.  I never missed a single lunch.  Ever.  

During that time, we obviously got to know each other very well and feel completely comfortable with each other and there was a bond among us all.  And that was well and good.

And then I became friends with another woman from church.  A very sensitive woman.  She knew most of the other ladies in the group, but she ran a daycare and had never been able to be part of the bible study/lunches.  She decided to come to the lunches whenever her schedule would allow it and everyone was very happy to have her there.  They honestly were.  We always were wishing more folks would join us.  She showed up to one and it was great.  But then it was about 6 months before she could go to the next one.  And that was great, too.  

But she didn’t think so.  She said that she didn’t feel part of the group.  And I know what she meant.  She felt like the newbie outsider.  But, um...she was the newbie outsider.  But we didn’t do that to her.  We let her talk a lot.  People asked her questions.  There were no weird silences when she spoke, as if we didn’t want her there.  It was just a lunch of women chit-chatting.  But it was inevitable that the people who had had 180 lunches together were more at ease with each other, and the person who had had 2 lunches with us wasn’t as much at ease.

I tried to tell her that she just needed to keep coming.  That over time, relationships settle in.  That with a few more visits from her, she would feel more and more at home.  But she wanted an immediate strong connection with all 7 of the other ladies there.  But it takes a lot of face time for relationships to grow.  Two lunches six months apart means that you feel a little “outside” when you’re there, no matter how much the other people are trying to include you.

———

If you don’t want to join an established group, work on making your own.  

The lady in the above story is a sweet, sensitive person.  I formed my own friendship with her outside of any group.  

I know another lady from my homeschool group.  Whenever I see her at homeschool things, we hit it off.  We can talk forever about everything under the sun.  Easy to get along with and we enjoy each other’s company.

And then I formed a friendship with yet a 3rd person who shares my photography passion.  I liked her personality and made a point of inviting her to a few lunches out so we could get to know each other. 

And I realized that all three of these women would probably get along really well if they knew each other.  Their paths only rarely crossed (they’ve all dabbled in homeschool at some point, two of them come to the same church, but irregularly, etc.)  

So I contacted all three and said, “I know all of you and you sort of know each other, but I think we’d all get along really well.  Let’s all go out to dinner and spend time together.”  So we did.  And we all got along really well.  

And now we make a point to hang out with each other every few months for dinner.  (Dinner lasts about 6 hours.)  We’d meet more often, but we all have kids and responsibilities.  

——-

For established groups, do what you can to get to their meetings consistently.  And if you don’t like that, see if you have any single friendships that might make a good group.

——-

(I’m chatty today!)

For forming one-on-one friendships, you have to sometimes force the issue a tiny bit.  The first friend listed above, we’d consult our calendars and do our best to get together as a family twice a month on the weekends.  It wasn’t always convenient or easy, but we committed to doing it to try to launch the friendship.

For the photography friend, I just decided I’d keep contacting her and asking her to go to places until a bond was formed.

And recently, someone has been becoming my friend without me realizing it. She’s the one who has decided to spend time with me ?. There’s an older couple that we’re friends with, somewhat.  We go out to eat with them from time to time and chit chat with them for a few minutes before church.  They live on my same street.  The lady is trying to get in a bit of exercise (she’s in her mid sixties), so sometimes she walks up and down the street.  When she does, she will ring my bell on a random day and then sit and chat with me for an hour.  Yes, it interrupts my day.  Sometimes it’s not the most convenient time (yesterday she rang the bell just after I’d pulled all the stuff out from under the kitchen sink because we have a MOUSE and there was mouse poop under the sink), but I can see that she’s trying to form a connection.  So, I stop what I’m doing (the boys are old enough that I can do this), and I give her time, so we can make a connection.

 

 

But you’re right that it’s hard.  My take-away from what I’ve seen/done over the years:  it takes time and a bit of gritty determination to make sure you have multiple, somewhat consistant, interactions.  Until you’ve had mutliple, consistent interactions, the friendship will fizzle fast.  Breaking into a group can feel daunting, but keep at it.  For one-on-one friendships, just keep inviting the person to spend time with you.

(Sorry for writing a book.  And I do have examples where my attempts have failed, so I get it. I’ve been hurt by people that I desperately wanted to be friends with, but it Just Didn’t Click or my attempts weren’t enough.)

 

[HollyDay]

Garga makes a great point!!  I think we, as women, need the connections with other women.  And I think there are times in our lives when we really need that connection (pregnancies, menopause, young kids at home, etc).  But, too often in our society, we don't have time to invest in making those friendships.  Garga is right.  2 lunches in 365 days is not enough to be connected.  But, that sounds like all the lady could do.  She *needs* those connections.  But, time and commitments prevent it. 

I've attended 1 quilting bee in 2 years!  Yikes!!!  1 in 2 years!  There are ladies in that group who have attended nearly everyone (twice a month for many years).  They have a friendship developed over time and through experiences.  I want that type of relationship.  But, I recognize it is not instantaneous.  It takes time and experience and being in each other's lives for that to happen.

What I don't like is deliberate exclusion.  Not making someone welcome. 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Garga said:

 

 

——-

For established groups, do what you can to get to their meetings consistently.  And if you don’t like that, see if you have any single friendships that might make a good group.

——-

 

 

That was my plan, but I am no longer able to go to the meetings because they decided not to allow older children. I have no where else to put my children during the meeting times, so I can't go. (and I even suggested my kids could sit in the next room with a craft or watch a movie, and that maybe if we did that more homeschool moms would join. they did not want to allow that)

Same with the new homeschool group the woman at church told me about. I want to go, and am committed to attending regularly if I want to feel a part of it, but they haven't accepted me as a member. Until then, I can't attend. 

The idea was I was looking for some friends that share my faith, as I don't currently have any. So no way to create a group out of other friends, for that purpose, as I don't have any Catholic friends, or even any Christian ones really. My friends are all agnostic or pagan or atheist. 

There is a Catholic Schoolhouse chapter starting in my area, and I considered that as a way to meet other Catholic moms, but I already have my curriculum picked out for next year, and mostly ordered, and it would cost me about $800 if I joined. Seems expensive to make friends, lol. 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

That was my plan, but I am no longer able to go to the meetings because they decided not to allow older children. I have no where else to put my children during the meeting times, so I can't go. (and I even suggested my kids could sit in the next room with a craft or watch a movie, and that maybe if we did that more homeschool moms would join. they did not want to allow that)

Same with the new homeschool group the woman at church told me about. I want to go, and am committed to attending regularly if I want to feel a part of it, but they haven't accepted me as a member. Until then, I can't attend. 

With the homeschool group, I would say don’t give up on that. It could take a little bit of time. When I first found my co-op, it was HARD to get in, and then it was HARD to form connections there. At first it took a long while to get a return phone call and then several more months waiting for something to happen that would allow me to join in. (At first, they were in the middle of a semester, so I couldn’t get involved for a while.) Then I was just beginning to get to know some people there and I suffered a personal tragedy, so that put me “on hold” for being able to reach out and do the work of trying to become part of a community. It took a long time. One lady with a kid my kid’s age started a playgroup and thank God for it because it gave me a little foot in the door there. 

I agree with all of Garga’s advice. I feel like I am slow to make friends. It takes a long time for me to feel like I trust people and I am slow to disclose things about myself. And I am a homebody and it is an *effort* for me to go places when it would be more comfortable to just be homety-home-home. But I also feel like there are many things abou having kids or a particular thing like homeschooling that make it easier to make friends because you can make friends around those activities. What I dread is the thought of moving somewhere different once my kids are grown and out, because there is no longer that connection point and you have to rely on church or bingo or book clubs. 

[Katy]

What if you invite the woman from church over for a play date or out to a zoo or something?  Less intimidation factor and if you make friends with her first going with her to any group she invites you to won't feel as intimidating.

[ktgrok]

UPDATE!!!!!

After Quill's advice to keep trying with the one group I found the admin's info and messaged her on facebook. She responded immediately and said that there must be a facebook glitch, as she couldn't see me listed as pending. She had me cancel my request and then request to join again, and then added me to the group ?

It's an inclusive, secular group, which is just fine, but I know at least one other Catholic family goes there, so maybe we can be friends.  I feel like I'm 12 saying that, lol. 

I've also considered starting a homeschool support group at my parish but just am not sure I'm up for running it right now. Maybe if the other woman is interested too we could do something at some point. Who knows. 

At least this is a start. And it's local, which is nice when most stuff around here is a 30 minute drive. 

[mommyoffive]

I am glad for the good update.  

I relate to everything you saying.  It is hard to make friends.  I feel like you have to hit it just perfect.  

I get why the other group is saying they wouldn't want older kids so don't take that personally.  

[marbel]

3 hours ago, Bluegoat said:

Oh, that's a drag.  I think that kind of disinviting happens because people want to be open and welcoming, but then they sit back later and realize that there is a problem.  

I'd not worry about the other thing yet - groups like that are often administratively challenged.  

It is hard to make friends, but you are doing all the right things, and eventually you'l find a spot to fit in and you'll be able to talk to people and develop some friendships.  It just takes a lot longer than it seems it should.

I agree with all this.  But I would not look at it as being disinvited.  It doesn't sound as if it was personal.  My guess?  The person who said it would be fine was later corrected by someone who knew the group wasn't an appropriate place for kids the ages of yours.  So it's not you.  It's really not  your kids either.  Just the timing.

(My church's women's bible study almost blew up because someone kept bringing her 8 year old daughter. People felt very constrained in their comments and especially with prayer requests.  Some stopped going altogether.  No one wanted to tell the woman that her child didn't belong in that group.)

I can also see why a church wouldn't necessarily want kids hanging out in another room unsupervised. There are liability issues, child protection issues, etc.  

Don't think I am not sympathetic. I have lived in my area for almost 11 years and can honestly say I have no real friends here. Lots of friendly acquaintances, all from church, but that's it. (It doesn't help that I have lived my life somewhat asynchronously, having had my first kid at 41, though I had no trouble with friendships when my kids were little. And then homeschooling and having no place to put my kids during adult activities, yep, been there!  

So happy to see your update.  Keep going!  (hugs)

[Scarlett]

I am glad to hear your update.  I felt sure it was a glitch causing them to not add you yet..,,,nothing else made a bit of sense.  

[Ottakee]

Making friends is hard.  I am considering moving to a new community for a fresh start but the whole making new friends thing is hard.  I have lived within 9 miles the past 44 years....minus 4 years I was in college....a whopping 15 miles from home (but still in the general same community).

[HomeAgain]

I'm glad for the good update!  As I was reading, my heart went out to you. ((ktgrok))  I know how you feel.  These past two moves, I've felt the same.  It doesn't help that I'm a natural introvert and I get nervous putting myself out there each time.  I've yet to make any super close friends, but I have met some wonderful people and now have a circle.  ?

 

[Rachel]

I read somewhere recently that you have to spend 100 hours with a person in order to develop a friendship. I took that to mean that if you see someone only once a week at an event it will take a long to develop a friendship. Good luck!

I found a summary of the study: https://news.ku.edu/2018/03/06/study-reveals-number-hours-it-takes-make-friend

[ktgrok]

17 minutes ago, Rachel said:

I read somewhere recently that you have to spend 100 hours with a person in order to develop a friendship. I took that to mean that if you see someone only once a week at an event it will take a long to develop a friendship. Good luck!

I found a summary of the study: https://news.ku.edu/2018/03/06/study-reveals-number-hours-it-takes-make-friend

Yeah, my vent was more that I wasn't even going to be allowed to go do that much. I get why they don't want kids at the meetings, but it is still a bummer. And although I can still come to the playdates and family events, because I won't be at the regular meetings it will be hard to actually be a part of the group. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Yeah, my vent was more that I wasn't even going to be allowed to go do that much. I get why they don't want kids at the meetings, but it is still a bummer. And although I can still come to the playdates and family events, because I won't be at the regular meetings it will be hard to actually be a part of the group. 

I had difficulty with this until I was well-integrated into our homeschool community. Homeschoolers are more likely to accept different aged kids as part of the package. 

I was in a bible study group at one time when my 18yo was a toddler and some of the moms were not okay with him sitting on my lap while we discussed, rather than being in the playroom in the basement. (There was a paid helper, but my boy struggled with separation at that time.) I remember feeling ganged-up on, and I couldn’t see what the harm was. It really soured me on attending. 

I had fewer issues with people acting this way (“Just make him go with the babysitter! You need the break from mothering!”) in the homeschool community. 

[Mimm]

I can so relate. I'm longing for some deeper friendships but feel like the one who doesn't fit in in most groups.

I heard about this group that is starting up in my area that would be PERFECT. I've emailed the person starting it and sent her a Facebook friend request. No response. We've only met in person once and now I feel like she doesn't like me for some reason.  At some point, nagging her gets weird right? ?

Glad you got in touch with the admin and got let in. ?

[ktgrok]

4 hours ago, Quill said:

I had difficulty with this until I was well-integrated into our homeschool community. Homeschoolers are more likely to accept different aged kids as part of the package. 

I was in a bible study group at one time when my 18yo was a toddler and some of the moms were not okay with him sitting on my lap while we discussed, rather than being in the playroom in the basement. (There was a paid helper, but my boy struggled with separation at that time.) I remember feeling ganged-up on, and I couldn’t see what the harm was. It really soured me on attending. 

I had fewer issues with people acting this way (“Just make him go with the babysitter! You need the break from mothering!”) in the homeschool community. 

I think that is true. Unfortunately, I'm not really the right kind of Christian for the Christian homeschool groups, and as far as I can tell the Catholic homeschool groups are more co-ops or cottage school type, involving paying tuition, using their curriculums etc which I'm not sure I'm ready to do just to meet some other mom's of faith. 

 

[teachermom2834]

3 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I think that is true. Unfortunately, I'm not really the right kind of Christian for the Christian homeschool groups, and as far as I can tell the Catholic homeschool groups are more co-ops or cottage school type, involving paying tuition, using their curriculums etc which I'm not sure I'm ready to do just to meet some other mom's of faith. 

 

Just want to chime in as a fellow Catholic. Three years ago I moved to a small town in the Bible Belt and was really disheartened to have the homeschool community not be an option for friendship. Pretty hard to be a homeschooling mom trying to make friends without access to homeschool groups ?

It really is a challenge. I have four or five good friends now. Two I met through church and we have lunch together every month but that only works because I can leave my youngest home with the older kids. Two are neighbors so we have the bond of living near each other and regular interaction enough that they can get past any discomfort or skepticism over my faith.  One is a friend we met through homeschooling. She is Catholic so that isn’t a barrier to friendship but she isn’t practicing so it isn’t really a bond either. Though we both feel like outsiders so that is a bond in itself. 

I know none of that helps you but I feel for your situation. It truly is difficult to be Catholic and unwelcome (sometimes officially, sometimes unofficially) in homeschool circles. I will say that when I have become acquainted with Catholic women or Catholic homeschoolers in my small town we tend to forge friendships quickly. We need each other and cling to each other if we have any common interests at all. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

I think that is true. Unfortunately, I'm not really the right kind of Christian for the Christian homeschool groups, and as far as I can tell the Catholic homeschool groups are more co-ops or cottage school type, involving paying tuition, using their curriculums etc which I'm not sure I'm ready to do just to meet some other mom's of faith. 

 

That’s such a shame. If you lived here, you would be most welcome in the ecumenical co-op I attend. Many of my friends are Catholic, and it was originally held at a Catholic parish. It is not cottage school type, though there is a high school tutorial for those who want that aspect. The main focus of the group is “specials” classes on Fridays, which are available à la cart. 

I think it would be a little difficult for you to reliably make it, though. ? 

[ktgrok]

Just now, Quill said:

That’s such a shame. If you lived here, you would be most welcome in the ecumenical co-op I attend. Many of my friends are Catholic, and it was originally held at a Catholic parish. It is not cottage school type, though there is a high school tutorial for those who want that aspect. The main focus of the group is “specials” classes on Fridays, which are available à la cart. 

I think it would be a little difficult for you to reliably make it, though. ? 

I think so! But I appreciate the invite! 

I am very blessed to have a lot of good women in my life. I'd just like some who are also Christian. But hey, baby steps. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

I think that is true. Unfortunately, I'm not really the right kind of Christian for the Christian homeschool groups, and as far as I can tell the Catholic homeschool groups are more co-ops or cottage school type, involving paying tuition, using their curriculums etc which I'm not sure I'm ready to do just to meet some other mom's of faith. 

 

That really annoys me.  Not that you said it, just that there is such division in that way. 

That said, even as a protestant I have never seemed to fit well into any sort of Christian homeschool group. I always did best in groups termed either secular or inclusive.  

This is an aside, but I remember a group attached to a nondenominational protestant church that required a signed statement of faith.  I couldn't sign it (it had to do with baptism, believer vs infant), and actually even if I had agreed with their stance on baptism I wouldn't have signed it, simply because I think such divisions are unnecessary and harmful. Anyway, I told the organizer why and she said, oh don't worry about it, just sign it, no one will hold you to it. What?!  If it's not important, take it off the membership form but don't tell me to lie.  

Anyway, I can imagine what their attitude toward Catholics would be.  ?

 

[RootAnn]

Amen to this & yeah! for a good update.

It takes me 5 years to find a good friend or two everytime I move. I've been in my current location for 15 years and I have a few good friends. It was really hard to find some friends here and some wax/wane depending on kids, activities, and interests. (Plus, people move!)

[fairfarmhand]

On 6/9/2018 at 12:28 PM, Garga said:

I know it’s hard, I really do, but keep trying if you want to join an established group.

15 years ago, I moved to this area and it happened that a bible study for moms opened up at my new church right after I arrived.  They would meet every other week and we took turns watching the kids.

One of the women decided to open up her home for lunch after each bible study.  So, every other week, a group of us would go to her house and eat soup from her crock pot.  Everyone was always invited, but usually it was the same group who showed up.  She’d say over and over that everyone was invited.  When a new person showed up, we were always happy to see them.

But, as is the nature of things, the same people kept coming for whatever reasons—they felt a connection, they had the time, whatever.  

We met every other week for about 7 years.  I never missed a single lunch.  Ever.  

During that time, we obviously got to know each other very well and feel completely comfortable with each other and there was a bond among us all.  And that was well and good.

And then I became friends with another woman from church.  A very sensitive woman.  She knew most of the other ladies in the group, but she ran a daycare and had never been able to be part of the bible study/lunches.  She decided to come to the lunches whenever her schedule would allow it and everyone was very happy to have her there.  They honestly were.  We always were wishing more folks would join us.  She showed up to one and it was great.  But then it was about 6 months before she could go to the next one.  And that was great, too.  

But she didn’t think so.  She said that she didn’t feel part of the group.  And I know what she meant.  She felt like the newbie outsider.  But, um...she was the newbie outsider.  But we didn’t do that to her.  We let her talk a lot.  People asked her questions.  There were no weird silences when she spoke, as if we didn’t want her there.  It was just a lunch of women chit-chatting.  But it was inevitable that the people who had had 180 lunches together were more at ease with each other, and the person who had had 2 lunches with us wasn’t as much at ease.

I tried to tell her that she just needed to keep coming.  That over time, relationships settle in.  That with a few more visits from her, she would feel more and more at home.  But she wanted an immediate strong connection with all 7 of the other ladies there.  But it takes a lot of face time for relationships to grow.  Two lunches six months apart means that you feel a little “outside” when you’re there, no matter how much the other people are trying to include you.

———

If you don’t want to join an established group, work on making your own.  

The lady in the above story is a sweet, sensitive person.  I formed my own friendship with her outside of any group.  

I know another lady from my homeschool group.  Whenever I see her at homeschool things, we hit it off.  We can talk forever about everything under the sun.  Easy to get along with and we enjoy each other’s company.

And then I formed a friendship with yet a 3rd person who shares my photography passion.  I liked her personality and made a point of inviting her to a few lunches out so we could get to know each other. 

And I realized that all three of these women would probably get along really well if they knew each other.  Their paths only rarely crossed (they’ve all dabbled in homeschool at some point, two of them come to the same church, but irregularly, etc.)  

So I contacted all three and said, “I know all of you and you sort of know each other, but I think we’d all get along really well.  Let’s all go out to dinner and spend time together.”  So we did.  And we all got along really well.  

And now we make a point to hang out with each other every few months for dinner.  (Dinner lasts about 6 hours.)  We’d meet more often, but we all have kids and responsibilities.  

——-

For established groups, do what you can to get to their meetings consistently.  And if you don’t like that, see if you have any single friendships that might make a good group.

——-

(I’m chatty today!)

For forming one-on-one friendships, you have to sometimes force the issue a tiny bit.  The first friend listed above, we’d consult our calendars and do our best to get together as a family twice a month on the weekends.  It wasn’t always convenient or easy, but we committed to doing it to try to launch the friendship.

For the photography friend, I just decided I’d keep contacting her and asking her to go to places until a bond was formed.

And recently, someone has been becoming my friend without me realizing it. She’s the one who has decided to spend time with me ?. There’s an older couple that we’re friends with, somewhat.  We go out to eat with them from time to time and chit chat with them for a few minutes before church.  They live on my same street.  The lady is trying to get in a bit of exercise (she’s in her mid sixties), so sometimes she walks up and down the street.  When she does, she will ring my bell on a random day and then sit and chat with me for an hour.  Yes, it interrupts my day.  Sometimes it’s not the most convenient time (yesterday she rang the bell just after I’d pulled all the stuff out from under the kitchen sink because we have a MOUSE and there was mouse poop under the sink), but I can see that she’s trying to form a connection.  So, I stop what I’m doing (the boys are old enough that I can do this), and I give her time, so we can make a connection.

 

 

But you’re right that it’s hard.  My take-away from what I’ve seen/done over the years:  it takes time and a bit of gritty determination to make sure you have multiple, somewhat consistant, interactions.  Until you’ve had mutliple, consistent interactions, the friendship will fizzle fast.  Breaking into a group can feel daunting, but keep at it.  For one-on-one friendships, just keep inviting the person to spend time with you.

(Sorry for writing a book.  And I do have examples where my attempts have failed, so I get it. I’ve been hurt by people that I desperately wanted to be friends with, but it Just Didn’t Click or my attempts weren’t enough.)

 

This is excellent. 

[SamanthaCarter]

I don’t have gritty determination when it comes to friends. Every once in a while I try to break out of myself, but I’m not usually successful enough that anybody notices when I loose my nerve. 

I feel like my only real options for friends are church. I have a great church, but a lot of the people with kids that were here when we first came are either moved away, or moved so far out to get big enough houses that they can afford for thier families, that I only see them on Sunday. Now the church is full of young couples with small children, and they are forming thier own groups. 

It stinks. 

[ktgrok]

So, follow up question - should I continue to go to the church group playdates and such, even though I can't go to the regular meetings? I'm thinking yes, at least to the stuff where there might be other kids my kids' ages, like the weekend/summer stuff? But adjust my expectations of it as not a place to make good friends, as that may be hard if I'm not going to the regular meetings, but as a place just to socialize a bit and for my kids to play with some other Catholic kids?

[Rachel]

12 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

So, follow up question - should I continue to go to the church group playdates and such, even though I can't go to the regular meetings? I'm thinking yes, at least to the stuff where there might be other kids my kids' ages, like the weekend/summer stuff? But adjust my expectations of it as not a place to make good friends, as that may be hard if I'm not going to the regular meetings, but as a place just to socialize a bit and for my kids to play with some other Catholic kids?

If I were you, I would go. 

[marbel]

22 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

So, follow up question - should I continue to go to the church group playdates and such, even though I can't go to the regular meetings? I'm thinking yes, at least to the stuff where there might be other kids my kids' ages, like the weekend/summer stuff? But adjust my expectations of it as not a place to make good friends, as that may be hard if I'm not going to the regular meetings, but as a place just to socialize a bit and for my kids to play with some other Catholic kids?

 

I'm not sure that it won't be a place to make good friends.  All my good friends came from kid-related events.  When my first was a baby, we went to a co-op indoor playground for infants/toddlers, and I made several very good friends there.  I made other good friends while volunteering at a church VBS, and a couple more at a MOPS group. These were great friends till we moved 3000 miles away, though I still keep in touch with a couple of them.

So yeah, I'd go!

12 hours ago, SamanthaCarter said:

I don’t have gritty determination when it comes to friends. Every once in a while I try to break out of myself, but I’m not usually successful enough that anybody notices when I loose my nerve. 

I feel like my only real options for friends are church. I have a great church, but a lot of the people with kids that were here when we first came are either moved away, or moved so far out to get big enough houses that they can afford for thier families, that I only see them on Sunday. Now the church is full of young couples with small children, and they are forming thier own groups. 

It stinks. 

 

We have a lot of young families at my church too.  And I am friendly with all of them, we have stuff to talk about, and I invite them over to my  house (and they come and seem to enjoy themselves!) but they never invite me/my husband to their things.  It's like they don't think of us because we're not in their exact demographic.  Or, they look at me and see Mom (or Grandma, honestly).  

There was one young couple who was the exception. They were really happy to have friends of any age, invited mixed-age groups to all their parties and get-togethers and it was wonderful. But they moved away and I miss them so much.