Explain to me

[Scarlett]

Ok, well thanks all, I have been properly schooled.  

I am still surprised that so many of you have spouses like this or you yourself are like this.  I realize people do not all remember details like I do....heck I can still remember the birthday of every person whose birthday I ever knew and I don't even celebrate birthdays!  I remember phone numbers from my job that I left 18 years ago.  And when people do not remember basic details about me, like what days I work,  I do assume that I am not that important to them.  Maybe I should stop assuming that.  I mean I remember birthdays of people who I haven't  spoken  to in 35 years so obviously remembering details does not equate  personal interest.  

 

 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said:

The kids that do dual enrollment classes here have all sorts of wacky schedules.  I know teens that work during the day. My kid has a 16 year old friend that works in a pizza parlor just over lunch shift a few days a week.  I know kids that just take night classes.  So I guess I don't think that would be weird.  I also interpret afternoon as NOON.  The kid doesn't work until 2:30.  He could be in classes in the afternoon in theory.   Even having a sense of going to vo-tech first and then working wouldn't necessarily give you the exact time.  

I communicate fairly often with XH about our son.  So I still find it odd that he hasn't just noticed in conversation that he leaves the house every morning at 7:30 a.m. For 2 years.  

XH also didn't know that the graduation we sent out invitations to is for high school.  He thought it was for vo tech.  And then he didn't realize WHERE the high school graduation would be.  

I don't know.  I just find it weird.  But I am not really that upset or anything...just a normal little vent.  I am over it.  

[catz]

Well, I can remember birthdays of some child hood friends and some of their phone numbers and addresses.  I think our compartmentalization has more to do with having 2 teens now that have very busy and irregular schedules.  In my DH's case, if he's not following the same routine with the kids all the time, he just doesn't remember it.  But he holds a lot of info in his head about work I'm not tracking.  I also think the fact that we now use google calendar religiously makes it so we just don't have to retain as much info about schedules.  I don't feel like I have less info in my head than when I was younger.  If anything, it feels like more to keep track of.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, sweet2ndchance said:

 

Obviously some probably do because the OP said in her original post that there is a morning class and an afternoon class. Those that do go to that afternoon class might work in the morning.

At least he cared enough to ask to make sure he was planning to attend the correct one. My ex-husband refused to attend most of the kids' graduations and such because he knew I would be there and he's not allowed to talk to me. Any time we did end up at the same kid events, I purposely avoided him. I have a restraining order on him that says he is only allowed to speak to me about the kids in text or email because he cannot control himself when speaking to me.  I've had to use those texts and emails as proof that we still need that restraining order 7 years after our divorce. That's a sign of a bigger problem.

Most kids who are in vo tech with my ds are in public school.  So they go to vo tech in the morning and high school in the p.m.  Or vice versa. Morning starts at 8:05, afternoon starts at 12:05.  3 hours each.  

[scholastica]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ok, well thanks all, I have been properly schooled.  

I am still surprised that so many of you have spouses like this or you yourself are like this.  I realize people do not all remember details like I do....heck I can still remember the birthday of every person whose birthday I ever knew and I don't even celebrate birthdays!  I remember phone numbers from my job that I left 18 years ago.  And when people do not remember basic details about me, like what days I work,  I do assume that I am not that important to them.  Maybe I should stop assuming that.  I mean I remember birthdays of people who I haven't  spoken  to in 35 years so obviously remembering details does not equate  personal interest.  

 

 

You should definitely stop assuming that! You are correct that not everyone is like you. Everyone is different with different strengths and weaknesses. It's what makes this world a great place to live. There are really very few things in life where there is only one correct way to do or be.

[unsinkable]

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Yeah I really don't buy that your husbands would not know if your high school kid was attending morning or afternoon vo tech classes for two full school years.  I am not saying he would know the exact start and end times....but morning vs afternoon?

Yeah, I can't believe I'm wading in here...

I 'd want DH to WANT to know...and he wants to know...But he can't keep their/our stuff straight.

DH is excellent at his job. He keeps a lot of balls in the air at work and I tell myself that he uses his brain up at work. For home stuff, I just keep reminding him. 

He can't find the ketchup* in the frig but he knows the entire contents everything they use at work and where to find anything. And if the needed item isn't in the space, he knows what other business wou!d have one to borrow and/or who to call to get one. 

*The ketchup is right in front of you!!!!

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Yeah, I can't believe I'm wading in here...

I 'd want DH to WANT to know...and he wants to know...But he can't keep their/our stuff straight.

DH is excellent at his job. He keeps a lot of balls in the air at work and I tell myself that he uses his brain up at work. For home stuff, I just keep reminding him. 

He can't find the ketchup* in the frig but he knows the entire contents everything they use at work and where to find anything. And if the needed item isn't in the space, he knows what other business wou!d have one to borrow and/or who to call to get one. 

*The ketchup is right in front of you!!!!

That is it.  I want him to WANT to know.  Maybe he does.  How can I tell.  I have done a really good job in recent years of not shaming him about this kind of stuff. It is part of why I post here about it instead.  

In all the years ds has done K12 XH has never one time logged in to look at ds's grades or work or schedule.....

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Honestly, what I think is weird about all of this is sending out an invitation without a specific time or place to attend.

[unsinkable]

2 hours ago, Garga said:

People keep saying they can’t remember schedules, and then list how complicated the schedules are.

Scarlet’s son took vo tech in the morning.  He worked in the afternoon.  That’s it.  He didn’t fly to other time zones every two weeks.  His schedule didn’t change.  He didn’t go to different programs in different locations. 

Vo tech.  Then work.  Two years. Pretty much all high schoolers who work, do so in the afternoon.  Does anyone know of high schoolers who work in the morning and then go to classes in the afternoon?

It’s strange that the XH doesn’t remember that.  It’s so basic.  I remember that schedule (school, then work) from when I was in high school over 30 years ago.  

If I was Scarlett, I’d be momentarily irritated and then let it go.  Which is what she’s probably doing.  It’s just weird that her XH doesn’t remember something as basic as this.  It does show that he hasn’t paid attention to how his son’s daily life plays out. 

 

ETA:. Been thinking.  On the other hand, I’m the sort of person who measures twice, cuts once.  I’d have probably double checked the time, even though I knew it was morning, juuuust to be sure.  I’m overly careful like that.  So, to give her XH the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he knew the time, but was double checking.

Good point. 

It's similar to morning vs. afternoon kindergarten, but for 2 years. LOL

[regentrude]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

In all the years ds has done K12 XH has never one time logged in to look at ds's grades or work or schedule.....

Division of labor?

My DH who is very involved in our family life did not know the kids' class and activity schedules - because I was the one handling home schooling, kid transportation, activities. He trusts me to do this well and inform him of things that he needs to know. Once DS could drive,  I didn't know his work schedule and I would not have logged on anywhere to find it out, because that was DS' job and there was no need for me to know the detail.

[catz]

My husband doesn't get involved in homeschooling related decisions either.  I might vent or bounce ideas off him but he doesn't try to insert himself.  He's never looked at the transcripts I'm building for my teens.  Shrug.  I like it that way.  I don't think he'd like it if I walked into his office and told him how to do stuff.  And we met at work, so I literally could.  LOL.  

[Murphy101]

My husband couldn’t tell you that. In fact, I’ve reminded him twice this week that our fourth has just graduated high school (from home) and is leaving for the summer in a week.  This morning he suggested taking that same son somewhere in a couple weeks and had to be reminded again.

My husband knows what I tell him about the kids, which is everything, of which about 1/4 is retained by him.

I think he loves them/us but he trusts me to do all the Remembering of All the Things. Which is his problem, not mine.

 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Division of labor?

My DH who is very involved in our family life did not know the kids' class and activity schedules - because I was the one handling home schooling, kid transportation, activities. He trusts me to do this well and inform him of things that he needs to know. Once DS could drive,  I didn't know his work schedule and I would not have logged on anywhere to find it out, because that was DS' job and there was no need for me to know the detail.

 

1 minute ago, FuzzyCatz said:

My husband doesn't get involved in homeschooling related decisions either.  I might vent or bounce ideas off him but he doesn't try to insert himself.  He's never looked at the transcripts I'm building for my teens.  Shrug.  I like it that way.  I don't think he'd like it if I walked into his office and told him how to do stuff.  And we met at work, so I literally could.  LOL.  

Here is the difference.  Ds hasn't spent a night with his dad in 4 years.  They see each other twice a month for dinner.  Our son's FOO is broken and XH has very limited contact with our son.  So when I offer up ways for him to show interest, be involved, or to just have a peak into our son's life, I am frankly saddened that he doesn't take me up on that.  But my sadness usually gets turned into anger, so yeah, it pisses me off.  But not for very long.  Because I post here and you all tell me how wrong I am.  LOL 

[hippiemamato3]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

Here is the difference.  Ds hasn't spent a night with his dad in 4 years.  They see each other twice a month for dinner.  Our son's FOO is broken and XH has very limited contact with our son.  So when I offer up ways for him to show interest, be involved, or to just have a peak into our son's life, I am frankly saddened that he doesn't take me up on that.  But my sadness usually gets turned into anger, so yeah, it pisses me off.  But not for very long.  Because I post here and you all tell me how wrong I am.  LOL 

 

My ex no longer has any custody or visitation with our 15 year old son. He texts our son occasionally, who reluctantly replies even less frequently. He has never known our son's doctors or teachers and knows what school he goes to only because that was the plan last time I spoke to him in July. We could have moved out of state by now and he wouldn't even know. My point is - at least your ex cares enough to ask. 

[rocassie]

Frustrating for sure!  Better to get it out here.  :) 

My DH is pretty involved, but I still get annoyed that he asks me about our schedule - well the things we do regularly.  Every Sunday he asks when we have AHG that week.  For the past four years it has been the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Mondays of the month.  

[lmrich]

My dh cannot remember this stuff. He swears that he knows that I know so he doesn't have to. I made him a 'cheat sheet' to keep in his car so he could review it. 

[Murphy101]

We actually do have tracking on our phones. Just got it this year and no one in our family cares. If they want to go off grid, it’s simple enough to turn off the function on their phone. So whatever. 

We also have the cozi app, and even kids not living here anymore put their work and school and other scheduled stuff in it. It’s really no big deal and quite helpful at times. 

[Lady Florida.]

Well, my dh doesn't know ds' schedule and he lives in the same house with him. It's not a disconnect but he's just never been good at keeping up with any schedule but his own, When ds was diagnosed with ADHD dh wondered if he also has it. He's learned to compensate but there are still things he doesn't "get". Plus his own schedule is so crazy that it's enough to keep up with. I finally started putting ds' classes on our shared calendar so he knows. Now that school is out and he's getting more work hours I put that on our calendar too. 

However, if he was an xh I probably wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt like I do now. Not fair, I know but there it is. And considering your history with him I don't blame you for being annoyed.

[Terabith]

Honestly, unless you are taking your child to and from school/ vo tech and they are at different locations, I don't think it's that big a deal not to know the details of a high school kid's schedule.  That's honestly their business.  I know what classes my kids are taking, but I don't know which periods they meet.  If he didn't know said child was doing the vocational program, then yeah, I'd say that's probably a disconnect/ not talking about his life, but this is not something that would occur to me to be judgmental about.

[Terabith]

And my husband has NO clue about the kids' schedules.  He doesn't know what day they have what extracurricular activity really.  If he's picking them up from school, I remind him what time school gets out every time.  He just isn't wired that way.  Heck, there are times he doesn't remember their ages.

[Murphy101]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

And my husband has NO clue about the kids' schedules.  He doesn't know what day they have what extracurricular activity really.  If he's picking them up from school, I remind him what time school gets out every time.  He just isn't wired that way.  Heck, there are times he doesn't remember their ages.

 

I can never remember my kids ages.  

I have to figure it almost every time.  Yesterday at a dental appt I asked them, “How old are you again? No, not you, E—-, I mean, B?”

90% sure they still know I love them. 

[Terabith]

Yup.  We're all wired differently.  I'm like Scarlett, and it's easy for me to remember this stuff.  So, both because of that and because I'm the one who tends to be home and involved in applying most of this stuff, I'm the one who remembers when the dental appointments are, when the car is due for inspection, when to put the flea and tick preventer on the cat.  It's easy for me to remember these details, and that's sort of my role in the household.  My husband is not wired like this.  It's hard for him to remember what years the kids were born in.  He does a lot of stuff with work, and he does a lot of stuff with the house, and he is actively involved in our kids' lives, and everyone knows he loves them to pieces.  We're just all different.  And that's okay.  I would probably remember Scarlett's work schedule.  There's no chance in the world my husband would remember someone else's schedule.  He has to use google calendar to remember his own schedule.  Doesn't mean he wouldn't value her just as much.  

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I can never remember my kids ages.  

I have to figure it almost every time.  Yesterday at a dental appt I asked them, “How old are you again? No, not you, E—-, I mean, B?”

90% sure they still know I love them. 

Yes but you have 11 kids.  I am pretty sure if you only had one you would remember his birthday.  

[skimomma]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes but you have 11 kids.  I am pretty sure if you only had one you would remember his birthday.  

 

I wouldn't count on that.  I generally remember more random details than most people but there is something about my only child's birthdate that is a mental block.  I can usually produce it on the spot, but often not on the first try.  I often flip the month and the date for some odd reason.  I just had that awkward moment at her last eye appointment a week ago.  Yet, I can remember my childhood next door neighbor's birthdate even though I have not seen or talked to her in 30+ years.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

That is it.  I want him to WANT to know.  Maybe he does.  How can I tell.  I have done a really good job in recent years of not shaming him about this kind of stuff. It is part of why I post here about it instead.  

In all the years ds has done K12 XH has never one time logged in to look at ds's grades or work or schedule.....

 

 

Yeah but, don’t do that. It leads to all sorts of misery. It’s never to your benefit to want other adults to care about what you care about. Even moreso, an ex whose obligation to you is next to zero. 

It’s like those people who won’t tell their mate what they want for their birthday, but then they are seething when mate guesses wrong or just doesn’t give them anything at all. 

As you said, you cannot tell. There is no way to know if your ex cares about his son’s schedule or what classes he’s taking. So you are setting yourself up to be upset about something you can’t measure and can’t alter even if you could measure. 

 

ETA: And now I have that song stuck in my head...I want you to want me; I need you to need me...

Edited May 9, 2018 by Quill
Earworm

[Momto6inIN]

15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I can't imagine your husband would not know if your child left the house every day at 7:30 and returned at 11:30. 

Seriously, my DH would not know. He is a very involved father, he loves his kids and pays attention to them and cares about what makes them tick. But when they were in public school and the bus came every single day at 7:00 and dropped them off every day at 4:15 for 7 years (yes, that's one of the reasons we started homeschooling) he still had to ask me when the kids usually got home from school. He's not here when it happens, so why would he remember that? I don't remember the what day/time his weekly sales team meeting is even though he has had it and talked to me about what happens in it every week for years.

[GoodGrief]

My husband is one of those who would have no idea, especially if it didn't impact his personal daily routine. I do think some people get overwhelmed with minutiae, and zeroing in only on necessary information is a sort of survival skill. I certainly would not take that personally.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Yes but you have 11 kids.  I am pretty sure if you only had one you would remember his birthday.  

 

Got two. I remember their birthmonths. And I remember the days within those months, and even the years. But if I can ever combine them correctly it'll be a miracle! (And now that I've been going to the pharmacy so often for my mother I'm likely to mix them up with my mother's day or month - though, happily, I've thus far avoided confusing their years with hers.)

And yet I can accurately recite my phone number from 25 years ago and my addresses from when I was 10 and 5 years of age, and it took me approximately 15 seconds to memorize the number on my bank card.

Our brains work in funny ways, and sometimes they're not in our control. My mother had pneumonia, and now she's on oxygen. When I went to the drugstore to pick up her medications she asked me to get her some Chef Boyardee at the same time. Well, they didn't have. And when I went to the supermarket two days later I forgot all about the ravioli and still didn't pick it up. This is not because I care about my card info more than my mother - it's because some things stick in my brain and others don't. I should've put it on my shopping list, but honestly, I'm lucky if I can remember to bring a list in the first place.

Anyway, when I got home without her ravioli, my mother was extremely upset and accused me of deliberately not getting it because I don't care about her. This is ridiculous! She has no insight into my mental state. But just like I wasn't fully in control of what I remember, she's not fully in control of what she feels and how she acts right now. This was the nicotine withdrawal talking, with a heap of anxiety and depression. I'm hoping, once she's cleared to go off oxygen, I can convince her to finally speak to a therapist. I think it'll help her. My mother got very upset over what was really a little thing. It was trivially easy for me to just go back to the store and get what I'd forgotten. But she got upset for a long time, and made everybody else upset in the process.

And nobody benefited.

The specific thing you're upset over is almost as trivial. The reason you're upset is bigger - and if you say your ex doesn't care that much about your son, well, I've got no reason to doubt that. But what are you doing about it? You're working yourself up and moving from sad to angry over something you can't change. You're not helping your son. You're not helping yourself. What's the point?

[Murphy101]

59 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes but you have 11 kids.  I am pretty sure if you only had one you would remember his birthday.  

 

Why?  My in laws never remember dh’s Bday and he is an only child. Mine was on my parents anniversary and they still forgot more than remembered. This board is full of families smaller than mine posting things like forgotten birthdays and such. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Why?  My in laws never remember dh’s Bday and he is an only child. Mine was on my parents anniversary and they still forgot more than remembered. This board is full of families smaller than mine posting things like forgotten birthdays and such. 

Well I just figured it would be easier to remember one than 11.  Shrug.  But who knows.  My grandmother had 11 siblings and she knew all of their bds. Even after they were all gone she remembered.  

[Murphy101]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well I just figured it would be easier to remember one than 11.  Shrug.  But who knows.  My grandmother had 11 siblings and she knew all of their bds. Even after they were all gone she remembered.  

 

There is knowing and then there is KNOWING. 

Obviously I know their birthdays.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have brain farts and memory lapses or mix ups. 

And also, I totally knew a birthday is May XX. My problem is I keep forgetting that it’s already May. This morning I actually said, “Remind me that in April I need to...” and a kid said, “Since it’s May, either it’s too late or we should put that in the cozi calendar bc if I’m honest there’s zero chance I’m going to remind you of anything a year from now.”

It was too late. 

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

There is knowing and then there is KNOWING. 

Obviously I know their birthdays.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have brain farts and memory lapses or mix ups. 

And also, I totally knew a birthday is May XX. My problem is I keep forgetting that it’s already May. This morning I actually said, “Remind me that in April I need to...” and a kid said, “Since it’s May, either it’s too late or we should put that in the cozi calendar bc if I’m honest there’s zero chance I’m going to remind you of anything a year from now.”

It was too late. 

LOL.....

[Mimm]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 

Here is the difference.  Ds hasn't spent a night with his dad in 4 years.  They see each other twice a month for dinner.  Our son's FOO is broken and XH has very limited contact with our son.  So when I offer up ways for him to show interest, be involved, or to just have a peak into our son's life, I am frankly saddened that he doesn't take me up on that.  But my sadness usually gets turned into anger, so yeah, it pisses me off.  But not for very long.  Because I post here and you all tell me how wrong I am.  LOL  

That part is worth being sad about.

Not remembering his schedule seems minor in comparison. But I guess you see it as a symptom of his lack of involvement. Which isn't unfair of you.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Mimm said:

That part is worth being sad about.

Not remembering his schedule seems minor in comparison. But I guess you see it as a symptom of his lack of involvement. Which isn't unfair of you.

Thank you.

[Momto6inIN]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 

Here is the difference.  Ds hasn't spent a night with his dad in 4 years.  They see each other twice a month for dinner.  Our son's FOO is broken and XH has very limited contact with our son.  So when I offer up ways for him to show interest, be involved, or to just have a peak into our son's life, I am frankly saddened that he doesn't take me up on that.  But my sadness usually gets turned into anger, so yeah, it pisses me off.  But not for very long.  Because I post here and you all tell me how wrong I am.  LOL 

I don't think you're wrong to feel sad about their lack of relationship, not at all! That is definitely something to feel sorrow about.

But being mad about something like him not remembering your son's schedule (trivial) is different than being sad about their relationship (big picture).

[Knock]

My ex-husband told a co-worker that our daughter was in 3rd grade. She was finishing up 5th grade. This is a child he saw almost every evening, for sports and dinner. So, okay, maybe you don't know her grade, but that's so far off that now I wonder if you even know how old she is!  

I firmly believe that your ex isn't interested in your son's daily habits. But I also think that many males relate differently to each other. We have an 18 year old son who lives on his own. I still know his daily habits, well enough to know not to text because he's driving right now or I'll call in 20 minutes because he's most likely watching the ball game. I see this as being interested and involved. It's not like my son gave me a daily schedule, I internalized his routine by paying attention to conversations and piecing together patterns. My ex-husband would say that I'm micro-managing or way over-involved, and that it's more respectful to our son to treat him as we would any other independent adult. Potato, potahto! There's truth to each of our opinions. Though FWIW I internalize these things about everyone, it's just my personality. So I also know when it's okay to text a friend, or if I should wait an hour for her to put baby down for a nap, wrap up grammar with her 5th grader, or if she's heading out the door for soccer.

[ktgrok]

My husband didn't know what grades the kids are in. Which would have been funny if he hadn't told DS5 he was going to be in kindergarten and then I had to say no - preschool. Sigh. 

He has no idea what days my son had classes at the community college, or what time church is, etc. 

[HS Mom in NC]

On 5/9/2018 at 7:43 AM, Scarlett said:

 

I am still surprised that so many of you have spouses like this or you yourself are like this

 

 

How could that be?  We're pretty far into the discussion, so surprise seems inappropriate at this point.  Do you mean you're still insisting he should know even though it's clearly not the norm based on all the evidence you're reading?

My husband has worked from home for 20 years now and he's still clueless about when we're at whatever event even though that's been the schedule for a few years now. He's very involved-as in he does some of the homeschooling and reads aloud daily to the kid involved.

[Rosie_0801]

I have only vague ideas on my dd's schedule, because it is not my business unless someone chooses to tell me; and don't even want to read her school reports because they are utter b.s. She's above average in history? What does that mean? She says she likes it? She's above average in reading? I know what that means. That means you've taught everyone else so badly that my daughter could lose two or three years worth of reading level and still be above average. It's depressing and since there is nothing I can do about it except cry, I'd rather not even think about it.

When she lived here, my ex had pretty close to full access to what she'd studied that day and who she'd seen. Once he was made to understand that I didn't consider him reading that information to be a favour to ME, he stopped until he decided to sue for custody. He had more access to information about his daughter when she lived with me than he does now she lives with him.

Not caring isn't the only reason not to know this stuff.