Maybe JAWM or WWYD

[lynn]

My dd is 12 and going through a bit of self esteem issues.  She has beautiful long hair that she does not take care of properly and it's usually a mess.  She'll get it beautiful a couple times a week then just walk out the door in the morning without brushing.  I keep a brush in the car but I don't want to be a nag.   So I have a hair appointment this afternoon for her.   She's okay with it but told me she just wants a trim and nothing else.  So she will come out with nice hair which will still be unkept but a couple inches shorter.   She really just needs some thinning and layers but I know she does not want me to say anything more than  trim for split ends.  I decided along with dh to go on and call the hairstylist ahead of time and tell her that dd will say just a trim but a few layers and thinning would be good.  The stylist was very kind and understood and said she'll work in a few layers and thinning.    I am hoping it will help my dd feel a little better.   So hive did I do the right thing for my beautiful 12 year old or would you not have said anything.  This is a salon not great clips and I know it will be money well spent.   

 

(mom guilt, I hate it)

[lexi]

I have the same issues at my house. My dd is 12 and has very thick curly hair. She doesn’t properly care for it. I told her that she would need to do xyz to care for it correctly. She was still not complying. So I stuck her back in he shower and properly washed and combed it. I also told her that we would need to have it cut shorter so it was more manageable.

 

With her I just sat down and was honest with her that she had to take care of her hair, especially if it was going to be longer - it takes a lot of time and effort. She agreed and we were able to compromise and get several inches trimmed off (and not take it terribly short). She’s now managing her hair better. And I hope she continues to do so. If so, she can start making decisions about her own hair.

 

My son is 10 and has very thick hair. He does not care for it properly or fix it before leaving the house. Therefore it’s a giant mess of bed head every day. I told him that I was no longer going to remind him to fix his hair. I took him to a stylist and had the sides cut very short with the top marginally longer. This was after repeated warnings and several discussions. He was mad at me initially but is fine now. Once he learns to properly take care of his hair he can choose the length. But if he can’t be hygienic then I decide the length.

 

I have no idea if I did the right thing with my kids either. But we were having greasy hair that wasn’t washed properly and unfixed hair with giant mattes and tangles. I had to cut knots out more than once.

 

I don’t know. I feel like when my kids are between 10-12 they refuse to follow proper hygiene. I’ve talked to several friends and their kids also went through this. But I’m not going to live with stinky athletes who refuse to wear deodorant or properly wash their hair. Ugh!

 

I have a rule that if I ask them if they used soap, shampoo, and conditioner and the answer to any question is no - then they have to go shower again. Same for wearing deodorant. If they refused to put it on they take another shower and try again. I don’t know what else to do! I swear my kids would live their lives never showering, brushing teeth, or washing hands. Yuck!! I’m hoping that this will change very soon!!

 

Being a parent is hard!

[Jean in Newcastle]

When my daughter was that age with long hair, we did a lot of braids.  It kept it contained.  I personally would not try to sneak around my daughter's wishes because it would erode trust.  I'm not blasting you, but you did ask so there it is. 

[Katy]

My sense is that because you're feeling guilty, you know this isn't something you want to do. When you take her into the hairdresser and she sits down, gently ask the hairdresser's opinion in front of your daughter - DD likes the length, but she's having trouble taking care of it, which isn't acceptable to you.  Is there anything she can recommend to make it easier to care for but keep the length, or would it be better to simply cut some of the length?  Your DD might come around to a bit of thinning, and the hairdresser might have a good option for a detangling comb to use in the shower while her hair is saturated with conditioner that might help. You may even make a bargain - you'll agree to keep the length if she gets some thinning and uses the new conditioner to comb out tangles EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And that she agrees if she skips a day, she's deciding long hair is too much work and something closer to shoulder length is more appropriate until she's ready to care for it properly.

[Carol in Cal.]

I wouldn't do that.  I think it is dishonest, and also I associate forced hair cutting with a loss of bodily integrity.

 

But I would teach, and I know you have done that.  I remember DD's hair always smelled at that age, and I realized that it was because she wasn't rubbing the shampoo in at the crown of her head, so I showed her how it felt to do that so she could do it every time.  I bought her Neutragena shampoo, and told her to wash twice each time with it.  I bought her a fancy and nice smelling conditioner.  And I insisted that she couldn't go to certain things unless her hair was nice.

 

One thing that was very helpful was to buy extremely wide toothed combs for the first detangling--they don't break or catch in your hair the way that normal combs or brushes do.  

[SKL]

I honestly think it's a bad idea to let your daughter think the hair stylist is going against her and your wishes and you're OK with that.

 

I would rather tell the stylist to explain to your daughter, as a hair professional and not a mom, how thinning etc. will help her manage her hair better (if that's the case) - as well as any other wise suggestions - and let your daughter make an educated choice.

 

Or, if you don't trust her to make a choice that makes any sense even with professional advice, then let her know you are pulling rank.  Just be honest about it IMO.

 

I also think the decision depends on your daughter's specific hair type.  Layering would make my hair worse (I've tried it and will never go there again).  Also, I had been told somewhere that thinning hair actually makes it thicker and less manageable in the long run.  So all the more reason to let the professional give it a look and offer her educated opinion directly to your daughter.

[prairiewindmomma]

When we had this situation this past fall, I first spent two weeks helping dd with her hair every morning. I gave her regular reminders, and we used It's a 10 spray and worked through her tangles together.  She tends to have problems with the underneath of her hair.  Then, we tried braids.  By this point, she was becoming frustrated with managing her own hair, and we discussed cutting significant length off of it.  We lived with the idea for another month, and then she chose to have her hair cut to her shoulders and she donated a long length of it.   She has been very relieved that her hair care is much easier.

 

She needed to come to the realization.

She needed to make the choice.

My job as mom was to support her in coming to that realization.  I didn't nag, but I did hold her accountable for being presentable--just as I would if the issue were forgetting to brush her teeth, showering improperly, or neglecting deodorant (the conversations I have with my boys). 

 

 

[Selkie]

I definitely would not trick her into more of a haircut than she is expecting, as that could be damaging to your relationship.

 

I agree with the others that consulting with the stylist and letting your dd make the decision would be best.

[bolt.]

I wouldn't avoid the confrontation. I would say to the child, "I know you want me to say 'just a trim' -- but that's not what I'm going to say. Your hair at this length isn't within your ability to manage well. We've both been trying hard, but it's time for a change. I know it isn't going to be a change you like, but that's not your decision. Here are your choices: shorter overall: a medium length like you had a few years ago before it got this long, an actual short haircut with flair and style (of your choice), or a trim for the length, but with thinning and layering. Do you want to decide before we go, or ask the hair dresser when we get there?"

 

Then lots of comforting, and lots of not changing your mind in the face of tears and anger.

[itsheresomewhere]

Layers are work and does not help manage hair for all hair types. Thining is also not good for all hair types. I would not go against your DD at all. I have a DD your age who went through this recently. I helped her finger out what hair products might help her. We do a deep conditioner treatment twice a week to manage tangles (works awesome), then regular conditioner the rest of the days. I highly recommend the wet brush for your DD.

[Seasider]

I would not have instructed the stylist to cutvagainst my daughter's wishes (at 12 - at say 7 or 8yo, it may have been different).

 

What I would do, is talk with the stylist and ask HER to be really enthusiastic and encouraging with some *suggestions* that she could heartily recommend to your dd. A cut/style that would look cute and flattering and easier to care for.

 

Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone other than your mom, kwim? And honestly, you're putting the stylist in an unconfortable situation by asking her to intentionally go against the wishes of the customer she is serving.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Seasider

[catz]

I think self motivated hygiene can  still be issue with this age.  I have a 13 year old girl I need to throw in the shower sometimes and remind her to brush her hair.   We regularly trim and thin.  We've cut it shorter at times when she was lazier about upkeep. That is part of parenting.  I would not lie or skirt around the issue.  I would have said if you can keep your hair brushed (and back or whatever) for the next 2 weeks, you get to pick your next haircut and if you don't we're going to need to talk about thinning it bit and having a more manageable style for a while.  

 

I know some parents are very touchy about this, but dealing with lice on a really long and unkempt head of hair is not fun and hair grows back.  I had shorter cuts when I was young and had some sensory issues with brushing.   Especially if you're willing to pay money for a real stylist who knows how to cut hair to be easier on unkeep.  It's not like taking an electric razor to her head on your own.

[lynn]

I wouldn't do that. I think it is dishonest, and also I associate forced hair cutting with a loss of bodily integrity.

 

But I would teach, and I know you have done that. I remember DD's hair always smelled at that age, and I realized that it was because she wasn't rubbing the shampoo in at the crown of her head, so I showed her how it felt to do that so she could do it every time. I bought her Neutragena shampoo, and told her to wash twice each time with it. I bought her a fancy and nice smelling conditioner. And I insisted that she couldn't go to certain things unless her hair was nice.

 

One thing that was very helpful was to buy extremely wide toothed combs for the first detangling--they don't break or catch in your hair the way that normal combs or brushes do.

Wow this is not a forced cut off the hair for a short hair cut rather TRIM split ends and add a few layers. An inch at most. I am not dragging her in there. I asked if she wanted for me to make her appointment the next time I go. She knows about it and is good with it. I thought a few layers would help. That's all. Edited February 15, 2018 by lynn

[sassenach]

Maybe if the stylist suggested it? Sometimes it's the fear of the unknown. She might think anything more than a trim is going to be more dramatic than reality. 

 

 

[Greta]

As a person with very unpleasant memories of my mom deceptively giving shorter-than-I-wanted cuts, or forcing me to cut when I didn't want to, I definitely wouldn't recommend it.  So instead I would recommend what I wish my mom had done for me:  teach her how to braid it.  

[Lecka]

I think some minor layers are fine. I used to be very nervous and not want to do anything, and then the default is “just split ends.†But it can result in bad haircuts. I think it would be fine to just say let the hairdresser give her some layers.

 

I have had stylists give me layers that way and I think they count on me liking it if I like the haircut — and honestly I will like the haircut and I won’t care!

 

But everybody is different and I think you know your daughter enough to know.

[Seasider]

OP, just to encourage you, by the time my girls were 13-14, they along with their similar age peers seemed to pass into a new phase of actually becoming interested in self care. So sometimes time really helps.

 

Hard on mom though. I know at times mine made me wonder if they would ever care. 😆

Edited February 15, 2018 by Seasider

[Greta]

 

(mom guilt, I hate it)

 

 

:grouphug:  I think my post may have sounded harsher than I meant it to, so I wanted to apologize.  It's obvious you love her and just want the best for her!  And some layers and thinning are nowhere near as drastic as what my mom did to my hair!  Someone else suggested having the stylist talk to her about it first, and I think that's a great idea.

[lynn]

I think self motivated hygiene can still be issue with this age. I have a 13 year old girl I need to throw in the shower sometimes and remind her to brush her hair. We regularly trim and thin. We've cut it shorter at times when she was lazier about upkeep. That is part of parenting. I would not lie or skirt around the issue. I would have said if you can keep your hair brushed (and back or whatever) for the next 2 weeks, you get to pick your next haircut and if you don't we're going to need to talk about thinning it bit and having a more manageable style for a while.

 

I know some parents are very touchy about this, but dealing with lice on a really long and unkempt head of hair is not fun and hair grows back. I had shorter cuts when I was young and had some sensory issues with brushing. Especially if you're willing to pay money for a real stylist who knows how to cut hair to be easier on unkeep. It's not like taking an electric razor to her head on your own.

. As sensitive as her head is to brushing the one time she did have lice she let me comb it sometimes twice a day without fuss. I was so proud of her for putting up with the recommended combing schedule I brought her to build a bear when it was over...

[Davysmom]

While I think having a conversation with dad is a good idea. I am guessing she doesn’t really know what thinning and layering are. Maybe take the time to explain it to her. Or have the stylist do it.

[marbel]

When my daughter was that age with long hair, we did a lot of braids.  It kept it contained.  I personally would not try to sneak around my daughter's wishes because it would erode trust.  I'm not blasting you, but you did ask so there it is. 

 

I agree with Jean. 

 

My daughter has long hair and when she was about that age she struggled with keeping it brushed, neat, etc.  We argued about it a few times and then I just stopped. At her age, I realized that her hair was not a reflection on me a parent.  She did always take care that it was clean and styled nicely for church.  As she has grown up she's also grown out of not caring for her hair. 

 

I know this is all done but since you asked... I would have expressed my concerns about the hair issues when I made the appointment, and asked the stylist to advise my daughter on the best cuts, etc., for her hair and ease of care/styling.  I wouldn't tell the stylist what to do and wouldn't be in cahoots with her on doing something other than what my kid asked for.  (I know you don't feel you are "in cahoots" and deceiving your daughter, but that's probably how it will look to her.)

 

Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear.  Hope it goes well. 

[J-rap]

Can you look through haircut books together and get her excited about one?  Or maybe ask the hairstylist ahead of time to do that with your dd?  Sometimes on-the-spot hair decisions work well because you're excited in the moment to try something new.  :)  (Believe me, I've done that myself!)

 

Twelve is a sensitive age.  I remember when my dd was somewhere between 12-14, she was using mascara that was way too heavy.  I knew she wouldn't want to hear it from me, so I just said, "Hey, let's do a makeover together, for fun!"  (Which is kind of funny for me because I wear so little makeup.)  We just did one of those 5-minute freebies at Origins.  Anyway, the makeup clerk did her makeover and of course did her mascara much more lightly and told my dd how great it looked.  It worked!  My dd was won over, just like that.

 

 

 

[poppy]

I had the same issue with my daughter and talked about short hair a few times.  She acted like the was completely against the idea.  When we were about to walk into the hair salon she said "OK,  I'll get a cut like Ava's".  Ava being a girl with VERY short hair.  Completely surprised me.  It's worked out well. But , you have to let her get there herself.   She might just surprise you, like mine did.  

[Farrar]

Ds has long, straight hair and he has this issue. I will say, it is massively better now at 13 than it was at 12. It's still not great, but it's much better. I think it's just maturity.

 

I have had to insist on trims, because he doesn't even want to do that. I agree with others that I wouldn't go around his back to do it though. I think he might have agreed to thinning it out if that was something that was possible on a boy, honestly. He doesn't want it to be "difficult" - he's just lazy and spacy about it because it's nothing something he cares much about.

[lllll]

nm

Edited February 19, 2018 by rozes

[kbutton]

If it makes you feel better, short hair can also be difficult to care for at this age. I had short hair, and it was very badly behaved with no weight from the length to pull it down. I also wasn't very coordinated and really couldn't get the hang of the proper tools or styling products (and I still cannot use a curling iron on my own hair with any skill no matter how hard I try). I could not care for it without my mother's help (and it was so difficult she lost her stuffing over it a few times!). 

 

I would help her vs. having it layered if you can't persuade her. If it still seems like a compliance issue, then maybe set a deadline and some parameters for dealing with it.