Dilemmas of Food and in Consideration of the Other People Expecting to Eat as Well

[Ginevra]

So, help me think this through.

 

Compared to Joe Average American, we have a pretty good food culture in our family. DH grew up on a farm and the great majority of what he ate was homemade food. He grew up eating a wide variety of farm-fresh fruits and veggies, as well as had a cow and chickens, so fresh eggs and milk/dairy. And meat that was often raised or hunted/fished. (i grew up largely with Swanson frozen dinners and Chef Boyardee, so I mostly erradicated all that type of eating and gravitated towards ILs food culture from early on.)

 

So, we eat mostly homemade food and a lot of fresh veggies and fresh herbs. I have chickens, so fresh eggs. Sometimes we have caught fish or crabs. We have no source of homegrowndairy or meat sources anymore.

 

I have been moving towards lighter food for a couple of years now. I also have IBS and Lactose Intolerance, so I rarely make old favorites like Lasagna anymore. The family has been okay with this difference for the most part. But I also want to move further into lighter food, fewer high glycemic index foods, less fat and sugar. I generally already eat this way for breakfast and lunch, since those meals are usually not shared with others in the family. I am perfectly content to eat a vegan brocolli cauliflower soup for lunch or make smoothies for breakfast, although I also often eat eggs for breakfast because of the chickens. (And my belief that eggs are very nutritious.) But it’s dinner that still causes some dilemmas for me.

 

If I make a lighter dinner or provide some option that I want to have for me, the Other People don’t necessarily complain, but I am “warned†with regularity that, for example, the Other People are “never going to quit eating rice completely and only eating riced cauliflower†or similar never-giving-up-my-beloved-familiar-foods type thing. And if those Other People happen to be cooking dinner and not me, it is back-to-the-farm comfort dinners which are often yummy but are just too everything. Too much fat. Too many calories. Too much quantity. Too much sugar. In some cases, I don’t even have a taste for these foods anymore; they aren’t “yucky,†but they are very “meh.†I hate to feel like I’m wasting calories on some Meh thing. However, I feel I have no right to complain if Other People have made the food. (Other People know I don’t prefer Pork Chops, say, but since I am not cooking, I don’t have a right to raise much complaint.)

 

I don’t really know what the solution is, or if there is one. I am not even completely sure what I want and expect my own diet to be. I guess my preferences are closest to a Mediterranean diet. I was thinking if I perhaps make more meals from a Mediterranean Diet cookbook, that will probably suffice for the Other People a decent amount of the time, though I know Farm Favorites will still be expected to show up at least some of the time, and when I am not the cook, all bets are off. Other People are highly unlikely to seek out Mediterranean style recipes for cooking themselves; they seek out Farm Favorites when looking for something to cook. I just want to personally eat less meat overall, less fat and less sugar. I want to be sure to eat an abundance of veggies every day, though we already eat them - I am happy to have meals where vegs take up 75% of the meal or more, but that does not fly as a continuous thing; the O.P. Don’t like that and want to hurry back to Farm Favorites.

 

So, what do you do to reconcile this?

[Garga]

Well, it's not a full answer in the slightest, but rice is super easy to make in the pressure cooker (instant pot).  Super easy!  So, you can always have rice on hand for Other People with almost no effort on your part.  

 

Other than that, I don't know...I'll let others chime in with ideas.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Garga

[Liz CA]

Not sure if this helps in any way. Dh is a meateater and expects some type of meat with every dinner. I could happily exist on veggies and fish and the occasional chicken / poultry item.

I cook whatever meat for him and make veggies on the side with rice / potatoes / quinoa, etc. I then pick out what I want to eat, usually foregoing the heavier meat but he can be happy eating it. I also don't eat pork but cook it for him and I just don't eat it but have enough other choices. 

I suppose I am saying I can cook several items but do not feel compelled to eat every type of food on the table.

[LucyStoner]

You do you and you accommodate the others to the degree that you can.

 

I am lactose intolerant. When I cook, I usually have an option to add in stuff I can't have for them or to pull out what I can have for me. They do the same for me. Case in point: pizza night is every week. Mine is the only pizza with all veggies and a little bit of goat cheese, but that doesn't mean they can't have cheese. They don't make some sort of chowder and expect me to make that dinner and I don't refuse to add cream to their portions of the potato soup.

 

Maybe because it's borne of health needs as opposed to preferences but I don't judge them for their ability to digest lactose nor do I feel my diet is better.

 

When the kids were little I used a book called Feeding the Whole Family a lot and so I got used to making slightly different versions of the same meal without adding extra work or making wholly separate things. We are now a busy household of 7 with three autistic children. I don't short order cook but I plan meals in such a way we can all fill up. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me and my oldest is approximately as old as your youngest. I would definitely have these teens participate in cooking dinner.

Edited January 4, 2018 by LucyStoner

[Garga]

I cook two dinners two nights a week.  I make beefy food that the Other People in my house like, and then I cook what I alone like on beef nights.  It takes me a little longer in the kitchen, but I don't have to eat the beef and I get to eat what I do like and they don't. 

Edited January 4, 2018 by Garga

[wendyroo]

Not sure if this helps in any way. Dh is a meateater and expects some type of meat with every dinner. I could happily exist on veggies and fish and the occasional chicken / poultry item.

I cook whatever meat for him and make veggies on the side with rice / potatoes / quinoa, etc. I then pick out what I want to eat, usually foregoing the heavier meat but he can be happy eating it. I also don't eat pork but cook it for him and I just don't eat it but have enough other choices. 

I suppose I am saying I can cook several items but do not feel compelled to eat every type of food on the table.

 

:iagree:

 

This is what I do.  For dinner I cook a protein, a complex carb, 3+ veggies and I serve fruit for the kids.  Because my kids are little, I do still guide their food choices - normally insisting on some protein and at least "sample" portions of 3+ fruits and/or veggies.  DH and I, OTOH, eat lots of protein, lots of veggies, and occasionally a very small serving of the carb.

 

I expect that as the kids get older I will turn over more control to them, and everyone will decide for themselves how much of which portions of the meal to serve themselves.

 

An example of a dinner I might make would be chicken satay skewers, veggie stir fry made with 5-6 different types of low-carb vegetables, brown rice, and pineapple for the kids.  The kids would all get some chicken, some pineapple, and a couple veggies of their choice.  Three kiddos would choose to have some rice and one would not.  DH and I would eat chicken and stir-fry and perhaps a very small amount of rice.

 

Wendy

[LucyStoner]

Another thought: when they make "Farm Favorites" you can fill up on a big salad and a tray of roasted veggies, having their main course (be that Mac and Cheese or a big pasta dish or whatever) *as your sampler sized side portion*.

[6wildhorses]

I make myself a separate dinner. I'm mostly vegan and gluten free. I eat things that are quick and easy, like quinoa, cooked or raw vegetables, soup, beans, and salads. Sometimes I'll substitute ingredients, so I can have a similar item. For instance, if I'm making burritos I use a gluten free tortilla and dairy free cheese on mine.

 

Because I make 2 and often 3 different meals, everything is quick. Tonight I warmed up a pre-made chicken alfredo, and I pulled out some ham and chicken from the fridge for my son who won't touch pasta, and I made myself some cooked vegetables and nuts. I also had rice and raw veggies on the table as sides.

 

I have started insisting that my son at least try some bites to try to expand his palette because it would help if he was less picky, but I think there are sensory issues going on. Plus it's hard for me to be too hard on him since I eat separate food too.

 

Sometimes I get irritated by the whole thing, but mostly I've just accepted this is how it is. There's just no way my family is going to eat things like quinoa with broccoli or vegan soup for dinner.

 

It sounds like you should tell your family that you're changing your diet and that you may cook your own food even if someone else makes dinner. Let them know that it's about eating in a way that makes you feel good and not a judgment on their eating choices. People can get really defensive and judgemental about food, especially when they hear the word vegan, so your approach is important.

[katilac]

Is there any issue of other people being offended if you don't eat what they cook, or add to it? Because it's pretty easy to add vegetables or replace with vegetables, for the most part. If you know someone else is planning to cook a meal, and you want vegetables that need to be sauteed, roasted, or whatever, I would probably just plan to do that before the other cooking commences when possible. 

 

I also find it easy to have several side dishes. I've been low carb for a few months, so when they have rice, I usually have cauliflower. When they have pasta, I have (mostly) broccoli. Riced cauliflower and rice seems easy enough as well. 

 

They sound a bit defensive, but honestly I might be a bit worried if I thought you were aiming for your type of lighter meals for the household. Because I would starve with smoothies for breakfast and soup for lunch, lol. 

[Guest]

:iagree:

 

This is what I do. For dinner I cook a protein, a complex carb, 3+ veggies and I serve fruit for the kids. Because my kids are little, I do still guide their food choices - normally insisting on some protein and at least "sample" portions of 3+ fruits and/or veggies. DH and I, OTOH, eat lots of protein, lots of veggies, and occasionally a very small serving of the carb.

 

I expect that as the kids get older I will turn over more control to them, and everyone will decide for themselves how much of which portions of the meal to serve themselves.

 

An example of a dinner I might make would be chicken satay skewers, veggie stir fry made with 5-6 different types of low-carb vegetables, brown rice, and pineapple for the kids. The kids would all get some chicken, some pineapple, and a couple veggies of their choice. Three kiddos would choose to have some rice and one would not. DH and I would eat chicken and stir-fry and perhaps a very small amount of rice.

 

Wendy

Yes, stir-fries and fajitas are my two easiest go-to meals wherein everyone can have things as they wish. I can make up my fajitas with lots of veggies, a few slivers of chicken and no cheese, all on a carb balance tortilla, where others can pile up cheese, sour cream and rice on theirs.

[regentrude]

My food preferences and needs are vastly different than my DS' food preferences and needs. And my DD has other preferences as well.

 

I compromise. I cook in such a way that every family member finds components of every meal they want to eat - vegetarian DD and meat loving, calorie inhaling DS. I have cooked modular meals for almost a decade, because of picky eater. They are great for accommodating all kinds of dietary preferences.

 

The idea of "wasting calories" does not apply to people who have a high caloric need. And I would not see it as fair to make family members give up food groups just because I had adopted a restricted diet. There is nothing inherently wrong with rice or lasagna. 

Edited January 4, 2018 by regentrude

[Guest]

Is there any issue of other people being offended if you don't eat what they cook, or add to it? Because it's pretty easy to add vegetables or replace with vegetables, for the most part. If you know someone else is planning to cook a meal, and you want vegetables that need to be sauteed, roasted, or whatever, I would probably just plan to do that before the other cooking commences when possible.

 

I also find it easy to have several side dishes. I've been low carb for a few months, so when they have rice, I usually have cauliflower. When they have pasta, I have (mostly) broccoli. Riced cauliflower and rice seems easy enough as well.

 

They sound a bit defensive, but honestly I might be a bit worried if I thought you were aiming for your type of lighter meals for the household. Because I would starve with smoothies for breakfast and soup for lunch, lol.

It’s not really offense so much as just that’s not the way we operate the household. So, the kids grew up eating the meal the cook made, for example. Don’t like mushrooms? Pick them off. So if DH were to make (as he did tonight) Pork Chops and seasoned rice, it would be bad manners or hypocritical if I were to say, “hey, that was nice of you, but I’m going to heat up some of my leftover brocolli soup instead.†So, what I did tonight is offer to make a side dish of broccoli, because DH was not planning to do that. He did not mind that addition, but I’m sure he would think it bad manners if I just straight up wanted some different meal.

 

Yeah, my DS18 could not actually survive on smoothies and vegan soup. Unless maybe if he had a staggering quantity of them. But generally, no that would be insufficient food for him and DH, and probably DS13 as well.

[Clemsondana]

I don't have suggestions, but thought I'd ask if their issues are about taste or about hunger. I totally understand if different members have different taste preferences, and that would need to be managed. But, when you said that you want less meat (protein), less fat, and less sugar/low glycemic index (carbs)...since those 3 pretty much cover all of the calories in food, are your family members just wanting more filling meals? In my current situation, I could eat a low calorie diet and be healthy, but my growing, high-metabolism, sport-playing kids would never be able to eat enough of that sort of food to be full in a reasonable amount of time. I have a relative with some dietary issues who eats mostly low calorie veggies, and with their fast metabolism they eat every hour or 2 all day long. When I cook for a meal that includes both this relative and my kids, I fix an assortment of veggies and also a protein source and a carb and people can proportion their meal however they want. While one person may eat a big dish of farmhouse pot roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, with a few green beans and 2 slices of carrot, another may eat a big bowl of salad, a cup of green beans, and a small spoon of potatoes topped with a sliver of pot roast.

[regentrude]

 But, when you said that you want less meat (protein), less fat, and less sugar/low glycemic index (carbs)...since those 3 pretty much cover all of the calories in food, are your family members just wanting more filling meals? In my current situation, I could eat a low calorie diet and be healthy, but my growing, high-metabolism, sport-playing kids would never be able to eat enough of that sort of food to be full in a reasonable amount of time.

 

This. When an active male teen consumes 4,000 calories a day, vegan broccoli soup isn't going to cut it. Half a tray of lasagna is a more appropriate meal that may keep him full for at least an hour.

My middle-age-woman metabolism is no good guide for the caloric needs of my kids. Or my DH for that matter.

 

 

 

When I cook for a meal that includes both this relative and my kids, I fix an assortment of veggies and also a protein source and a carb and people can proportion their meal however they want. While one person may eat a big dish of farmhouse pot roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, with a few green beans and 2 slices of carrot, another may eat a big bowl of salad, a cup of green beans, and a small spoon of potatoes topped with a sliver of pot roast.

 

This is exactly how we eat, and everybody is happy.

Edited January 4, 2018 by regentrude

[Cosmos]

Another thought: when they make "Farm Favorites" you can fill up on a big salad and a tray of roasted veggies, having their main course (be that Mac and Cheese or a big pasta dish or whatever) *as your sampler sized side portion*.

 

I have done this often if we're having heavier foods, and it works great for us. I make extra salad and then fill up my dinner plate with it. Then I put a small piece of lasagna or whatever on my salad plate. It makes a good meal for me, while dh and ds eat a more typical proportion with lasagna on dinner plate and salad on salad plates..

[wendyroo]

Yes, stir-fries and fajitas are my two easiest go-to meals wherein everyone can have things as they wish. I can make up my fajitas with lots of veggies, a few slivers of chicken and no cheese, all on a carb balance tortilla, where others can pile up cheese, sour cream and rice on theirs.

 

I would try to expand your repertoire of those types of meals.

 

Some ideas:

Breakfast for dinner - Eggs, sausage patties, English muffins, veggie hash.  You could eat mostly veggies with some eggs.

 

Low carb Mac and Cheese "buffet" - Noodles, broccoli, cauliflower, sausage or ground beef all served separately with low-carb cheese sauce available for anyone who wants it.  You could eat mostly veggies with a little bit of meat and cheese sauce.

 

Make your own Pizzas - Pizza dough for them, low-carb tortilla for your crust, tomato sauce, cheese, veggie and meat toppings.  You could eat your tortilla (perhaps as a wrap instead of a pizza) loaded with veggies and a little cheese.

 

Meat loaf - Keep the meat loaf low carb by mixing in egg, almond flour, and finely chopped veggies.  Serve with a tray of roasted veggies including potatoes or sweet potatoes.  You could eat lots of veggies (mostly skipping the potatoes) and some meat loaf.

 

Wendy 

[Guest]

I don't have suggestions, but thought I'd ask if their issues are about taste or about hunger. I totally understand if different members have different taste preferences, and that would need to be managed. But, when you said that you want less meat (protein), less fat, and less sugar/low glycemic index (carbs)...since those 3 pretty much cover all of the calories in food, are your family members just wanting more filling meals? In my current situation, I could eat a low calorie diet and be healthy, but my growing, high-metabolism, sport-playing kids would never be able to eat enough of that sort of food to be full in a reasonable amount of time. I have a relative with some dietary issues who eats mostly low calorie veggies, and with their fast metabolism they eat every hour or 2 all day long. When I cook for a meal that includes both this relative and my kids, I fix an assortment of veggies and also a protein source and a carb and people can proportion their meal however they want. While one person may eat a big dish of farmhouse pot roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, with a few green beans and 2 slices of carrot, another may eat a big bowl of salad, a cup of green beans, and a small spoon of potatoes topped with a sliver of pot roast.

It is DH who wants the taste and comfort aspect of his Farm Favorite kinds of things. I don’t begrudge the boys to eat a good bit of proteins and just plain calories. I just personally don’t want a slab of meat with a side of potatoes and carrots.

[regentrude]

I just personally don’t want a slab of meat with a side of potatoes and carrots.

 

Me neither. But I'd eat yummy roasted potatos and carrots with a tiny sample of meat.

I just add side dishes that *I* like to the main dish *they* like. That way, we had  a divine vegan-except for-the-turkey Thanksgiving feast :)

[Annie G]

Maybe you and dh need to discuss that the rules you had for the kids are outdated. You raised the kids to eat what was presented to them and that was necessary at the time so the kids would eat a variety of foods and so you wouldn't have to cook multiple meals to cater to their choosiness. But you're an adult and it's ok to change the culture. It's ok to add to the meal or have something different.

 

I eat 'my way' for breakfast and lunch but try to cook to meet dh's tastes for dinner. I usually add something that he won't eat, like brussels sprouts, but on the main I make sure the meal has something he likes. It's easier for me to add more veggies to suit my tastes than to try to get him to change his habits more than he already has. But I am very careful not to appear to be judgy when I don't eat what the rest of the family has or if I eat mostly veggies w a tad of the main meal.

[Cosmos]

It’s not really offense so much as just that’s not the way we operate the household. So, the kids grew up eating the meal the cook made, for example. Don’t like mushrooms? Pick them off. So if DH were to make (as he did tonight) Pork Chops and seasoned rice, it would be bad manners or hypocritical if I were to say, “hey, that was nice of you, but I’m going to heat up some of my leftover brocolli soup instead.†So, what I did tonight is offer to make a side dish of broccoli, because DH was not planning to do that. He did not mind that addition, but I’m sure he would think it bad manners if I just straight up wanted some different meal.

 

That seems like a good approach. Can you have a family agreement that all meals should have some vegetables? Or if the cook doesn't plan any, you can be the vegetable fairy who offers to roast some broccoli or throw together a salad, or ideally both. Because then you can have just a small piece of pork chop and a little bit of rice along with a nice big pile of broccoli and salad.

[eternalsummer]

It’s not really offense so much as just that’s not the way we operate the household. So, the kids grew up eating the meal the cook made, for example. Don’t like mushrooms? Pick them off. So if DH were to make (as he did tonight) Pork Chops and seasoned rice, it would be bad manners or hypocritical if I were to say, “hey, that was nice of you, but I’m going to heat up some of my leftover brocolli soup instead.†So, what I did tonight is offer to make a side dish of broccoli, because DH was not planning to do that. He did not mind that addition, but I’m sure he would think it bad manners if I just straight up wanted some different meal.

 

Yeah, my DS18 could not actually survive on smoothies and vegan soup. Unless maybe if he had a staggering quantity of them. But generally, no that would be insufficient food for him and DH, and probably DS13 as well.

 

Well, you could just straight up say, "Hey guys, I'm sorry we had that 'eat what the cook has made' culture when you were young; I hope it didn't end up making you eat food you were uncomfortable eating.  I've seen the light and realize now that sometimes what works for one person, especially the one cooking, is not always suitable for everyone!  So I hope you'll forgive me the hypocrisy, but I'm going to start making a bit of my own food if whatever the main course for dinner is doesn't sit well with me, and I hope you all feel free to do the same."

[wendyroo]

It’s not really offense so much as just that’s not the way we operate the household. So, the kids grew up eating the meal the cook made, for example. Don’t like mushrooms? Pick them off. So if DH were to make (as he did tonight) Pork Chops and seasoned rice, it would be bad manners or hypocritical if I were to say, “hey, that was nice of you, but I’m going to heat up some of my leftover brocolli soup instead.†So, what I did tonight is offer to make a side dish of broccoli, because DH was not planning to do that. He did not mind that addition, but I’m sure he would think it bad manners if I just straight up wanted some different meal.

 

Yeah, my DS18 could not actually survive on smoothies and vegan soup. Unless maybe if he had a staggering quantity of them. But generally, no that would be insufficient food for him and DH, and probably DS13 as well.

 

I don't see it as hypocritical.

 

I assume that when your kids were growing up you were trying to meet all of their nutritional needs.  You were serving well rounded meals...maybe not their favorites every day, maybe contaminated with mushrooms, but solid meals that provided them with what they needed to grow and thrive.

 

I think it would be disrespectful of you to completely turn your nose up at a meal your husband served if he met that same benchmark for you.  If he had cooked pork chops and rice and roasted veggies and salad (the veggies and salad specifically because he knew that those are the types of foods your body currently needs), and despite his planning, thoughtfulness and effort you had still opted for the leftover soup, that would strike me as rude and hypocritical.

 

Wendy

[LucyStoner]

It’s not really offense so much as just that’s not the way we operate the household. So, the kids grew up eating the meal the cook made, for example. Don’t like mushrooms? Pick them off. So if DH were to make (as he did tonight) Pork Chops and seasoned rice, it would be bad manners or hypocritical if I were to say, “hey, that was nice of you, but I’m going to heat up some of my leftover brocolli soup instead.†So, what I did tonight is offer to make a side dish of broccoli, because DH was not planning to do that. He did not mind that addition, but I’m sure he would think it bad manners if I just straight up wanted some different meal.

 

Yeah, my DS18 could not actually survive on smoothies and vegan soup. Unless maybe if he had a staggering quantity of them. But generally, no that would be insufficient food for him and DH, and probably DS13 as well.

Family culture can be tricky. Here, it would be considered a no-go for the person cooking to plan a meal that someone can't eat at least part of or for the cook to skip a major food group that others rely on. So Mr. Chops and Rice here wouldn't make that without vegetables. Just like I wouldn't make a casserole without a plain starch option for the kids here who won't each "touching food"🤣. When we started having the kids help plan and prepare meals we gave them a free hand provided there were at least 2 servings of veggies included. I made a checklist for them when they were picking meals. They learned also that we don't do double starches in most situations so mashed potatoes means no pasta side or rolls.

[katilac]

It’s not really offense so much as just that’s not the way we operate the household. So, the kids grew up eating the meal the cook made, for example. Don’t like mushrooms? Pick them off. So if DH were to make (as he did tonight) Pork Chops and seasoned rice, it would be bad manners or hypocritical if I were to say, “hey, that was nice of you, but I’m going to heat up some of my leftover brocolli soup instead.†So, what I did tonight is offer to make a side dish of broccoli, because DH was not planning to do that. He did not mind that addition, but I’m sure he would think it bad manners if I just straight up wanted some different meal.

 

 

 

I hate it when parenting decisions come back and bite me in the butt!  :laugh:

 

I think other posters have the right of it: you're going to have to have some conversations about changing food cultures. People brought up a few different ways to do it, and I think you just have to choose what is going to work best in your family. And, depending on how adamant you were in pushing the original food culture, you might have to eat a bit of crow. With a side of vegetables, of course. 

 

Personally, I can't imagine it being a big deal to day that you aren't hungry for a big meal, and are just going to have a bit of soup. Particularly because it's definitely a thing for your metabolism to change over the years! How are your meals structured? Does everyone eat at the same time, with the food out on the table? idk, it just seems like it might be a more natural transition than you're anticipating, particularly as you do have stomach issues. If the 13-yr-old is still getting lectures about eating what is served, then yeah, you may have more of a problem, lol. 

[J-rap]

A type of paleo meal might suit your family.  It's heavy on meat and protein and fresh veggies.  But it doesn't necessarily taste heavy or fatty.  And, you can just take a thin slice of meat and then load up on the veggies, and everyone else can take a larger portion of meat.  The recipes I've used make up for the heavy fatty sauces with a really flavorful lighter sauce.  Maybe something like that would suit everyone.

[Rosie_0801]

I think you ought to work on your gut health so the farm favourites aren't so much of a burden on your system.

 

I also think broccoli soup is a perfectly fine entree and you might find vegetables soup entrees become a fashionable thing in your household if they are ready to be served to starving people while Farm Favourite is "not quite ready."

[Laura Corin]

I usually put four serving dishes on the table: protein, starch and two veggies.  Each person eats what they want to eat, but on average people tend to eat roughly in proportion to the dishes on offer.  If someone doesn't like something, then they can shift the balance.

 

When Husband cooks, it's more likely to be one veg, one starch and one protein.  I just eat a lot of the one veg and a little of the other two dishes.

 

We probably eat meat protein around three nights a week, fish twice and veggie twice, but everyone makes their own lunch and snacks, so they can have extra meat/eggs then.  Hobbes often makes a filled omelette as a snack.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Laura Corin

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I agree with others to do less casserole/one dish things and more 3-4 or even more dish options.  If you like quinoa salad and the others are "meh" about it, then make up a big batch and have it out on the table with the other things for several days in a row.  You can lean on it heavily for filling your plate, the others less so.  You can announce that they don't need to eat it if they don't like it.  Similarly, you can always have a salad bar type set-up before dinner and let people know it's optional because there's also cooked veggies to eat.  You then rely heavily on the salad bar for yourself.  

 

I can still remember being a teenager in two sports.  I would have been ravenous on "lighter" food.  Not only did I need farm type food, but I also drank 4-5 cups of milk a day, minimum.  So you need to take into account metabolism.  

 

As a PP mentioned, if you reduce meat, reduce fat, reduce carbs... you're really not leaving much except low calorie vegetables and those are simply not going to feed teens or young adults unless they have very slow metabolisms.  You can certainly push avocado over french fries and almond meal muffins over sugary white flour ones... but hungry people need calories.  Fat is HEALTHY as part of whole foods.  

 

I think it is equally unreasonable that the least hungry/ lowest metabolic need family member determine menu as it is that the most hungry person determines menu.  There's got to be a spread that meets all needs.  Having meals with multiple dishes is the easiest way to accomplish that.  

 

 

[Pawz4me]

I haven't read any other replies, but I've always pretty much made "mine" and "his/their" foods for our meals. I  was a vegetarian for years and could happily go back to being one. DH and the boys would not be happy at all to be meatless. They're also men and I'm not. I'm small and they're not. They all need to consume a LOT more calories than I do. Typically my dinner centers around a salad or some sort of veggies (steamed, roasted, stir fried) and I have a bit of meat or potatoes/rice/bread as an extra. Their meals are reversed--centering around the meat and potatoes/rice/bread and they have some salad or veggies as their extra. If we have soup or a casserole I have a bit to go along with a salad (unless it's a very veggie based soup) but I fix some sort of bread or rolls for them. It would be very difficult for them to meet their calorie requirements eating the way I do. They NEED that extra bread/rice/potatoes/whatever. I don't.

 

Do I think my way of eating would be healthier for them? Not necessarily. I've seen way too many food/health trends and crazes come and go. Besides avoiding a lot of processed foods and pure sugar, I no longer particularly believe there's some magic bullet, superior WOE beyond good old fashioned moderation. Plus I've always been of the opinion that it's not my place or my right to "force" anyone else to eat the way I do. The Golden Rule and all that. I know others believe differently, and that's their business.

[Guest]

I hate it when parenting decisions come back and bite me in the butt! :laugh:

 

I think other posters have the right of it: you're going to have to have some conversations about changing food cultures. People brought up a few different ways to do it, and I think you just have to choose what is going to work best in your family. And, depending on how adamant you were in pushing the original food culture, you might have to eat a bit of crow. With a side of vegetables, of course.

 

Personally, I can't imagine it being a big deal to day that you aren't hungry for a big meal, and are just going to have a bit of soup. Particularly because it's definitely a thing for your metabolism to change over the years! How are your meals structured? Does everyone eat at the same time, with the food out on the table? idk, it just seems like it might be a more natural transition than you're anticipating, particularly as you do have stomach issues. If the 13-yr-old is still getting lectures about eating what is served, then yeah, you may have more of a problem, lol.

I can see it working fine by the time the youngest has gone off to college, say. In that scenario, I can imagine DH eating a cheesburger that he wanted to cook for himself and I might reheat soup. But with kids still living at home, it needs to be cohesive. There isnt any lecturing; it’s just what we do. We eat dinner at the table all together most nights. Currently, if DH wants to make cheeseburgers, it’s fine; he puts on a turkey burger for me, no cheese. It’s mosttly that if he makes the meal entirely, he won’t think to make a substantial vegetable side or something that I really want. I can offer to make one myself, but he doesn’t feel obligated to do so.

[fralala]

This is the response of a lazy person who likes to avoid extra work but has no philosophical issues with people eating different things at the same table as long as we're all at the table and not off foraging through cabinets because we don't like what we see.

 

I pad our meals with quick grabs-- a loaf of bread, a stick of butter, some microwaved potatoes or sweet potatoes, cheese, olives, hummus, crackers, some beans or cucumbers or bell peppers or avocado or tuna or whatever I've got. Fruit. Whatever I can throw on the table that will take care of the missing food groups or the extra calories some family members require. I also like putting dishes of leftovers on the table if we've got them and the meal seems like it might not be enough or appealing enough for everyone.

 

For myself (and others who want it), there is almost always salad, even if it's just a bag of greens with olive oil and vinegar. Adding any of the things from above, and the protein from the meal (if there is a main protein) usually makes it nicer. My plate is often 2/3 salad. I really don't care to eat meat more than once a week. If my husband is cooking what he likes, then this is okay because it means more leftovers for him. I've found cooking what I think other people will like but I don't really care for only leads to resentment, because when they don't care for it, I don't even want to eat it, and it goes to waste, and they were supposed to like it! So now we each cook what we like, and do the options-and-leftovers-and-meals-are-about-the-company-and-conversation thing.

[Bluegoat]

How often is the other person cooking?

 

Because at first glance it seems to me that the solution is pretty simple - when other person cooks ou eat that food, when you cook you go for that kid of food. You can try and include something like rice in the meals you make which maybe you won't eat much of, the other person can try and include some good vegetable side-dishes in the same way.  The latter might take a bit of practice if Other doesn't cook a lot - sides are often where occasional cooks have troubles.

 

Most of these "farm favourites" are still healthy foods if you eat a small portion.

[Carrie12345]

Well, as a parent with 2 out of 5 picky eaters, which leaves 3 other kids and a spouse with their own preferences even if they'll eat whatever I choose to make, our meals tend to include letting other people choose different or additional foods.  One ds can heat up leftover chicken instead of eating meatballs.  Another ds can have more meatballs instead of sausage, or whatever.  The girls might make sweet potato fries (their current obsession) to go with the meal.

 

I'm free to do the same when others cook.  DDs made fried quesadillas for everyone last night.  I grabbed a tortilla and a little meat and made myself a wrap stuffed with better cheese and a bunch of spring mix and spinach.  I don't have to eat anything I don't want to.

I don't have to eat anything I don't want to.

I don't have to eat anything I don't want to.

 

 

 

 

 

I had a small slice of fried quesadilla, lol.

[Laura Corin]

 Currently, if DH wants to make cheeseburgers, it’s fine; he puts on a turkey burger for me, no cheese. It’s mosttly that if he makes the meal entirely, he won’t think to make a substantial vegetable side or something that I really want. I can offer to make one myself, but he doesn’t feel obligated to do so.

 

A little flexibility on both sides?  He mostly tries to remember to make you the veggies that you want and you eat a bit of meat/starch if you like; you mostly make him the food that he likes and add in the veggies that you want.

[eternalsummer]

And if dinner really has no veg every time he makes it, just say, hey, I'm gonna make a salad to go with dinner tonight, okay?

[Guest]

How often is the other person cooking?

 

Because at first glance it seems to me that the solution is pretty simple - when other person cooks ou eat that food, when you cook you go for that kid of food. You can try and include something like rice in the meals you make which maybe you won't eat much of, the other person can try and include some good vegetable side-dishes in the same way. The latter might take a bit of practice if Other doesn't cook a lot - sides are often where occasional cooks have troubles.

 

Most of these "farm favourites" are still healthy foods if you eat a small portion.

Generally 1-2 times per week. And you’re right - I am the cook with far more experience making sides and having 3-5 things ready at one time such that there are options for everyone.

 

One issue is, it doesn’t work well to make, for example, a pot of rice AND a pot of Quinoa. I do it sometimes, but then there is a lot of leftovers. If I make only Quinoa, unsurprisingly, nobody is too happy about this.

 

There are a lot of “farm favorites†that are just plain unappealing to me. Like, DH will make BBQ chicken thighs and home fries (pan-fried potatoes). I don’t want that at all. He usually makes this when I am already not going to be home, because he knows I don’t like this meal.

 

I don’t know - I am conflicted about many aspects of this and I feel like I am uncertain what meals I should be planning that will be workable for everyone without taling a lot of extra time and effort to make some great variety of items. I think I am making it harder in my head than it needs to be.

[Guest]

And if dinner really has no veg every time he makes it, just say, hey, I'm gonna make a salad to go with dinner tonight, okay?

Yeah, and he doesn’t object to that...I guess I am just a little bit bitter that he can’t be bothered to make a brussels sprouts side dish or whatever. A lot of this is, as said upthread, he doesn’t have the experience I have in putting together several dishes at once, but he is also, IMO, a bit lazy about it because he isn’t focused on the veggies; he’s focused on having the Man food he wants.

[EMS83]

Not sure if this helps in any way. Dh is a meateater and expects some type of meat with every dinner. I could happily exist on veggies and fish and the occasional chicken / poultry item.

I cook whatever meat for him and make veggies on the side with rice / potatoes / quinoa, etc. I then pick out what I want to eat, usually foregoing the heavier meat but he can be happy eating it. I also don't eat pork but cook it for him and I just don't eat it but have enough other choices. 

I suppose I am saying I can cook several items but do not feel compelled to eat every type of food on the table.

 

This is what I do.

[Laura Corin]

I don’t know - I am conflicted about many aspects of this and I feel like I am uncertain what meals I should be planning that will be workable for everyone without taling a lot of extra time and effort to make some great variety of items. I think I am making it harder in my head than it needs to be.

 

I think it just does take a bit more time and effort when people have different desires.  There's no way around it.  Your husband's needs seem quite predictable, however: you can make him his basic eight dishes (or whatever) and go wild with your veg.

 

Leftovers?  Make less or finish up 'your' leftovers for lunch.

[regentrude]

One issue is, it doesn’t work well to make, for example, a pot of rice AND a pot of Quinoa. I do it sometimes, but then there is a lot of leftovers. If I make only Quinoa, unsurprisingly, nobody is too happy about this.

 

I do not understand the bolded. You could simply make less of each so there aren't leftovers. Or you make lots and enjoy not having to cook rice and quinoa for the rest of the week.

 

My DS does not eat potatoes or quinoa. If I make either, I cook him a big pot of rice. Leftovers stay in the fridge and can be reheated over the week; that frees me up for "weird" starches for my own side.

 

I think you may possibly make this more complicated than it needs to be.

[KungFuPanda]

Other People probably need some fat to feel full. I think your solution to pork chop night is to have the farm food as a side and keep a nice salad or soup on hand for your main dish. I wouldn’t discourage other people from cooking or get in their way to cook an alternative dinner. Even keeping a raw veggie platter ready to balance out anything heavy could work.

 

Personally, I’m a soup girl and it’s soup season so I’d go with that.

[Guest]

I do not understand the bolded. You could simply make less of each so there aren't leftovers. Or you make lots and enjoy not having to cook rice and quinoa for the rest of the week.

 

My DS does not eat potatoes or quinoa. If I make either, I cook him a big pot of rice. Leftovers stay in the fridge and can be reheated over the week; that frees me up for "weird" starches for my own side.

 

I think you may possibly make this more complicated than it needs to be.

I think this is true. Also, historically accurate.

[regentrude]

I can see it working fine by the time the youngest has gone off to college, say. In that scenario, I can imagine DH eating a cheesburger that he wanted to cook for himself and I might reheat soup. But with kids still living at home, it needs to be cohesive. There isnt any lecturing; it’s just what we do. We eat dinner at the table all together most nights. 

 

We eat all our meals at the table, too, as a family.  But that does not mean everybody needs to eat the same thing. I fail to see why that would be important. 

I put all the foods that are available on the table, and everybody serves themselves. Where is the problem in one person taking soup and another person cheeseburger?

Edited January 4, 2018 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

Generally 1-2 times per week. And you’re right - I am the cook with far more experience making sides and having 3-5 things ready at one time such that there are options for everyone.

 

One issue is, it doesn’t work well to make, for example, a pot of rice AND a pot of Quinoa. I do it sometimes, but then there is a lot of leftovers. If I make only Quinoa, unsurprisingly, nobody is too happy about this.

 

There are a lot of “farm favorites†that are just plain unappealing to me. Like, DH will make BBQ chicken thighs and home fries (pan-fried potatoes). I don’t want that at all. He usually makes this when I am already not going to be home, because he knows I don’t like this meal.

 

I don’t know - I am conflicted about many aspects of this and I feel like I am uncertain what meals I should be planning that will be workable for everyone without taling a lot of extra time and effort to make some great variety of items. I think I am making it harder in my head than it needs to be.

 

Do they hate quinoa?  If they will eat it, I'd have it sometimes and rice sometimes.  They are both essentially carbs, rice isn't knock it out of the park inferior.  The food media likes to make out like some foods are evil and others angelic, and that's really not true.  They are all food with nutritional value.  

 

If meals the other doesn't like at all are mostly made when someone isn't there, that sounds like a good solution.

[happypamama]

This is our family food culture:

 

I make food. I try to make a reasonable variety of entrees, including things I don’t really like myself, just for the variety. The overall repertoire is generally slanted toward things I do like (and I’m not terribly picky), but I’ll throw pork recipes into the rotation for variety and because others like them. I am very happy for anyone else to express wishes or for anyone else to cook (which is rare).

 

People eat what they want. When we have pork, I’ll probably only eat a few bites. Sometimes kids don’t want the main dish. Sometimes someone doesn’t like one or more of the vegetables. One kid doesn’t eat meat at all, so I take out portions of things for that kid before I add any meat (when possible), and that kid is responsible for finding entrees. If DH cooked dinner, and part of it wasn’t something I really liked, I’d thank him, and I’d eat a small portion, filling up on other parts of the meal, same as he or anyone would here.

 

My only real rule is that you don’t get to fill up on the favorite part of the meal if you won’t eat the less desirable parts, and that has more to do with budget and cost of food for a large family than any sort of philosophy. You don’t get to eat all the meatloaf if you won’t even eat at least a serving of the vegetables.

 

If you don’t like what’s served, feel free to make your own entree or a sandwich. Just check with me to make sure the burger you’re cooking isn’t scheduled for dinner another night. I do frown on older kids making something if they won’t try the meal I made. Take a bite or two before you decide you don’t like it.

 

DH and I eat mainly low carb, so our main entrees are usually LC. I’ll very often make zucchini noodles for us and wheat pasta for the kids, or cauliflower rice for us and regular rice for the kids. We will eat large salads; some of the kids might eat a little salad, depending on the type. The kids will have buns for their burgers, and DH and I will probably skip them. Veggie kiddo will eat a veggie burger. I definitely do not expect that everyone will eat the exact same thing.

Edited January 4, 2018 by happypamama

[Guest]

We eat all our meals at the table, too, as a family. But that does not mean everybody needs to eat the same thing. I fail to see why that would be important.

I put all the foods that are available on the table, and everybody serves themselves. Where is the problem in one person taking soup and another person cheeseburger?

Well, because if someone has made an actual dinner, it’s pretty rude for one or more people to eat something totally different; it is inconsiderate of the cook’s effort. It’s one thing if it is Leftover Night and we’re all just nuking up whatever bits each wants. But if one person has put in an hour or more making a full meal, it’s rude for other family member to just eat their own separate item.

 

I would definitely stop cooking for everyone altogether if, after making a meal, everyone started heating up or fixing their own thing they want to eat instead.

[regentrude]

Well, because if someone has made an actual dinner, it’s pretty rude for one or more people to eat something totally different; it is inconsiderate of the cook’s effort. It’s one thing if it is Leftover Night and we’re all just nuking up whatever bits each wants. But if one person has put in an hour or more making a full meal, it’s rude for other family member to just eat their own separate item.

 

I would definitely stop cooking for everyone altogether if, after making a meal, everyone started heating up or fixing their own thing they want to eat instead.

 

But that would not be the case if the cook inquires beforehand what people want to eat and takes everybody's preferences into consideration. And if there is still soup for the person with dietary restrictions, cook and person may agree that it is unnecessary for cook to make new food for person, and person can eat the soup instead of cook's meal. It's all about communication. 

I would find it inconsiderate aka rude to cook a meal that I know one family member does not eat, without creating an alternative.

[kewb]

Well, because if someone has made an actual dinner, it’s pretty rude for one or more people to eat something totally different; it is inconsiderate of the cook’s effort. It’s one thing if it is Leftover Night and we’re all just nuking up whatever bits each wants. But if one person has put in an hour or more making a full meal, it’s rude for other family member to just eat their own separate item.

 

I would definitely stop cooking for everyone altogether if, after making a meal, everyone started heating up or fixing their own thing they want to eat instead.

I used to be in the "it's rude and disrespectful" camp. Ok, I still think it is but I no longer get bent about it unless it is a meal I spent all day working on. And that is a pretty rare occurrence. My stance is "this is what was prepared for the meal. If you want something else, there is the kitchen. Clean up after yourself or I will be dumping the dirty stuff on your bed while you are sleeping.

Also, in your case, there are health reasons involved. When there is a health thing any meal I prepare revolves around that. Dh is a type II diabetic. Heavy carb meals are reserved for when he won't be there. I think it is rude to have a meal that one family member enjoys but is unable to have. Everyone is free to eat what they want on their own time. Family meals are diabetic friendly

[marbel]

We eat all our meals at the table, too, as a family.  But that does not mean everybody needs to eat the same thing. I fail to see why that would be important. 

I put all the foods that are available on the table, and everybody serves themselves. Where is the problem in one person taking soup and another person cheeseburger?

 

I agree.  We eat together but we are not always eating the same thing. 

 

Daughter is a vegetarian who doesn't really like most vegetables.  Husband and son like meat and are limited in what vegetables they like.

 

Everyone will try something new, but might not eat more than a bite of what they perceive to be a "weird" vegetable or unfamiliar grain. (Though sometimes they surprise me and want more, or want it again.)

 

So I might make, say, chicken curry for dinner.  I also cook some chickpeas in the same sauce as the chicken in being cooked in.  There will be rice, and in addition to any vegetables "hidden" in the curry sauce, I might make some sauteed spinach or other green, or extra green beans, or other vegetable.

 

The vegetarian will eat her chickpeas and some rice, and will try the additional vegetable. 

 

Husband and son will eat a bunch of curry and rice; husband will also eat the additional vegetable, and son will at least try it.

 

I'll eat a bit of curry, a spoonful of rice, and a lot of the additional vegetable.

 

The kids will also eat some form of fruit - usually raspberries or blueberries (fresh or frozen, depending) or applesauce (unsweetened).

 

If my husband grills meat, I take care of the sides because he won't think of that.  Since I plan, shop for, and prep 95% of our meals, I don't expect him to remember the finer points of meal planning.  :-)  He will grill vegetables if I ask him to, but he just won't think of it himself. 

 

ETA: vegetarian is so by personal choice. 

Edited January 4, 2018 by marbel

[Guest]

Do they hate quinoa? If they will eat it, I'd have it sometimes and rice sometimes. They are both essentially carbs, rice isn't knock it out of the park inferior. The food media likes to make out like some foods are evil and others angelic, and that's really not true. They are all food with nutritional value.

 

If meals the other doesn't like at all are mostly made when someone isn't there, that sounds like a good solution.

I don’t think anyone HATES quinoa, but if I make only quinoa and no rice alternative, there’s bitterness all around. I am the only one who wants to eat quinoa and I am the only one who will eat riced cauliflower as a rice substitute. I personally would rather eat the alternatives than eat rice because I think it is important to avoid insulin spikes. My dad is diabetic and my sister was, too. Diabetes scares the hell out of me. That plays a role in my not wanting to eat much rice or potatoes. I would rather eat a lower glycemic index substitute.