question about the man cold....

[solascriptura]

I'm not looking to bash men or anything, but I have a question.  I understand that pain and "suffering" is subjective.  What one person considers uncomfortable may be pain to another person.  Well, my dh has a virus that went through all the other members of this household last week.  I had noticed that as the last few had it, it was milder and briefer. Now my dh is the last one and he hasn't left the bed for 24 hours.  He slept for 12 hours last night and has taken 4 to 5 naps today.  Please explain this to me.  I was wondering if it was cultural, but no.  My friend said that growing up her dad (from a different culture) did the same man cold thing. I'm acting compassionate and accomodating, but really?  When I had this virus, I popped an Advil and went about taking care of the family and everything else that I usually do.    Do men truly feel the effects of a cold differently? 

[lauraw4321]

I think so, yes. There are genes that are associated with dealing with physical pain and discomfort. When DH and I did 23 and Me, my report said I had a higher than average pain tolerance. His was lower than average. Plus men are not conditioned to sacrifice their health for chores and family obligations.

[J-rap]

I don't think men in particular feel colds differently, but I think different people (men AND women) feel colds differently.  When our family has colds, it can be uncomfortable along with a couple of poor nights' sleep.  But when my DIL gets a cold, she is really, really sick.  She comes down with a fever and really does need to skip a day of work and stay in bed.  She is absolutely wiped out from it.  I think it's genetic.

[Garga]

That's a good question. However, in my house it's the opposite. As soon as the children wouldn't die if I laid on the couch for a few days (when they had both finally reached 7 or so), I stopped popping Advil and moving throughout the day. When I get sick now, I baby myself. Of course, I don't get sick a lot, so I can afford the time off. In fact, I just got a letter from the doctor asking if I was still their patient because they hadn't seen me in so long.

 

So, when I'm sick, I will not force myself to do things. I let my body rest. And I feel crummy the entire time. I hate it. I feel miserable and have been known to give a little moan.

 

However, I am also more than willing to baby anyone else in the family when they are sick.

 

But my dh? Nope. He's won't even pop the Advil. He'll just feel miserable and keep pushing through and then later realize he had a fever all day. But he won't let it stop him. It actually irritates me because I think he's not being responsible and taking care of himself. Just sleep for goodness sake and let your body repair itself.

 

 

However, dh and I might be anomolies. There are probably studies out there about it and it could be that men, in general, respond differently than women do, in general.

 

And, as I said, back when the kids were small and would die without someone watching them, I would drag myself to tend to them no matter how bad I felt. But once that necessity was gone, I went back to babying myself when I'm sick. And I guess if I was sick every couple of months, I wouldn't have the luxury of doing that, but I do.

[EMS83]

Well one vote for a DH who's a stoic.  He may get sicker than we do (sometimes seems that way), but he goes and does anyway and just is grumpy (silently).

[Ali in OR]

My dh truly gets hit harder than me. He has sinus and inner ear issues that make a simple cold into a nightmare of not being able to breathe (especially difficult time sleeping) and serious vertigo that puts him in bed for a couple of days. It's one of the reasons I hate when people come to church with what seems to them a simple cold--it can cause much more serious issues for 2 of my family members (seizures for disabled dd).

Edited April 23, 2017 by Ali in OR

[solascriptura]

My dh truly gets hit harder than me. He has sinus and inner ear issues that make a simple cold into a nightmare of not being able to breathe (especially difficult time sleeping) and serious vertigo that puts him in bed for a couple of days. It's one of the reasons I hate when people come to church with what seems to them a simple cold--it can cause much more serious issues for 2 of my family members (seizures for disabled dd).

 

I get this.  My dh has so many sinus issues that we actually had a CT Scan done.  The dr. said that his sinus looks good, but I see the stuff that comes out of them and I can't agree.  Sorry TMI. 

[KungFuPanda]

Dh is not used to coping with the great number of trivial inconveniences that are my everyday life.  He can't recreate what I do if I'm gone for a long weekend and he's healthy.  I think his tolerance for alien inconvenience and reacting to a situation rather than controlling it all along is very very low.  It's no accident that he chose to work from home AFTER the kids where no longer kids.  Don't get me wrong.  he's good at what he does, but his job can be managed in a way that people, and viruses, cannot.

 

Right now my husband and son are sick.  I escaped to have lunch with my daughter at her college.  I came home hours later and they'd barely moved.  I noticed that I'm feeling a little pressure behind my eyeballs.  On the off chance that I'm next to get this virus, I've cleaned the house, done the laundry, and made a grocery list of the easiest of easy meals so I can phone it in for a few days if I need to.  I'm the only one who feels obligated to keep the show running if I'm sick.  Everyone else just stops.  Completely.  They don't even try to power through.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Dh is not used to coping with the great number of trivial inconveniences that are my everyday life.  He can't recreate what I do if I'm gone for a long weekend and he's healthy.  I think his tolerance for alien inconvenience and reacting to a situation rather than controlling it all along is very very low.  It's no accident that he chose to work from home AFTER the kids where no longer kids.  Don't get me wrong.  he's good at what he does, but his job can be managed in a way that people, and viruses, cannot.

 

Right now my husband and son are sick.  I escaped to have lunch with my daughter at her college.  I came home hours later and they'd barely moved.  I noticed that I'm feeling a little pressure behind my eyeballs.  On the off chance that I'm next to get this virus, I've cleaned the house, done the laundry, and made a grocery list of the easiest of easy meals so I can phone it in for a few days if I need to.  I'm the only one who feels obligated to keep the show running if I'm sick.  Everyone else just stops.  Completely.  They don't even try to power through.

 

 

This.  

 

I jokingly told the pharmacist a few weeks ago that I simply can't get sick, so I don't.  I'm sort of kidding, but the whole family has been hit twice in the last six months with bad bugs, and I've been basically fine.  

 

But then again, it doesn't matter if I'm fine or not, because if the kids are going to be fed, I'll either be doing it, or so minutely micro-managing it for DH that I may as well drag myself to the kitchen to do it.  Same with dressing, putting in bed, and pretty much every other thing.  If DH is sick, he just goes to bed and stays there until he feels better.  It drives me bonkers.  It's one of those things where I've had to make a conscious decision to not be resentful because it's not something that's going to change.  

 

 

I assume the phenomenon of women powering through and men lying at death's door is probably social conditioning to a large extent.  

[Garga]

 

I assume the phenomenon of women powering through and men lying at death's door is probably social conditioning to a large extent.

This could be very true! Very good point! In my family growing up, we rarely got sick. But if you did, you were allowed to be babied. It was ok to be sick.

 

In DH's family, if a male got sick and scumbed to it, he was weak. A baby-man. My fil would make it clear that it wasn't a good thing to be babied. Real men don't get sick.

 

And I think that's why I think it's ok if the housecleaning stops for a few days and if we order pizza for a few dinners. I feel that I'm allowed to be sick.

 

But dh will literally be out there mowing the lawn and fixing the car with a fever instead of taking care of himself. But it's ingrained in him that Men Don't Get Sick.

 

I've seen it both ways: men get man colds VS real men don't get sick. It's a social/family cultural thing.

 

And I think that "mom guilt" comes into play with women who will power through everything. Unless the children are helpless, like toddlers and preshoolers, there's no reason for a woman to power through being sick. It's also a cultural thing. I know a lot of women who feel a lot of guilt about things in their life and I don't get it. I don't feel guilty when I'm sick and the kids eat a microwave dinner for lunch. I just don't. I don't feel guilty if I'm lying on the couch and they're bored. (As long as they're old enough that they won't get hurt if I'm napping while they're awake.). But I know a number of moms that feel guilty about a lot of things that I just don't get. But in my family culture, there wasn't that mom guilt thing, but I've noticed that in the women who feel guilty all the time, it's in their mother's and grandmother's generation as well to feel that way. If they take a day off, they feel bad about it.

 

And all this is so entrenched within a person that they Do Not Understand someone of the other persuasion. Men who Don't Get Sick don't understand someone lying on the couch when there's work to be done. Women who Power Through don't understand how a grown woman could lie around when she's only got a low grade fever. Just take meds and get up! And vice versa.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Garga

[Pawz4me]

I've always assumed that young girls get used to dealing with the TOM and (mostly) forging on with life despite that. And so at a relatively young age we get used to functioning pretty much as usual even when we're feeling sub-optimal for a good portion of every month. For women it's life as we know it. Men don't have to learn that.

[Guest]

I've always assumed that young girls get used to dealing with the TOM and (mostly) forging on with life despite that. And so at a relatively young age we get used to functioning pretty much as usual even when we're feeling sub-optimal for a good portion of every month. For women it's life as we know it. Men don't have to learn that.

I like this theory.

[hjffkj]

When an illness goes through our family it always affects me the most. So what may only knock dh out for a few hours that he can get over by taking a pain killer will leave me in bed for a whole day usually. Not a wimp at all when it comes to pain. You should see me after any of my 5 csections. But the way my body fights infections wipes me out, is very painful to my muscles, and just sucks. So it isn't just men

[Guest]

Well one vote for a DH who's a stoic. He may get sicker than we do (sometimes seems that way), but he goes and does anyway and just is grumpy (silently).

Yeah, mine too. I never really understood the "man cold" memes and jokes. I worry the other way. I'm afraid he will drop dead of heart failure because he ignores symptoms. He also doesn't go for any maintence well checks.

 

My son is also a stoic when sick or hurt.

[maize]

I've seen some reports that estrogen has anti-viral effects. Certainly female and male immune systems have differences (I believe this is behind the higher incidence of autoimmune disorders in women).

 

Here's one article:

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/man-flu-appears-be-real-estrogen-helps-women-fend-virus/

 

 

That aside I also think individuals vary in their perceptions of and psychological reaction to their own subjective experience of illness.

[marbel]

Yeah, mine too. I never really understood the "man cold" memes and jokes. I worry the other way. I'm afraid he will drop dead of heart failure because he ignores symptoms. He also doesn't go for any maintence well checks.

 

My son is also a stoic when sick or hurt.

 

Same here.  I can remember one time my dad called out sick to work.  There was a flu epidemic in the late '60s.  I thought he was going to die because he'd never complained of sickness before.

 

My husband doesn't complain when he's sick either.  He gets sick more than my dad ever did, though some sinus surgery finally helped that some.

 

Because of my experience, I not only don't get the "man cold" memes and jokes, I find them insulting.  (I know this thread is not meant to be insulting but information-seeking.)  To me those jokes are just another way of showing how men are stupid and inferior to women. 

[Guest]

This could be very true! Very good point! In my family growing up, we rarely got sick. But if you did, you were allowed to be babied. It was ok to be sick.

 

In DH's family, if a male got sick and scumbed to it, he was weak. A baby-man. My fil would make it clear that it wasn't a good thing to be babied. Real men don't get sick.

 

And I think that's why I think it's ok if the housecleaning stops for a few days and if we order pizza for a few dinners. I feel that I'm allowed to be sick.

 

But dh will literally be out there mowing the lawn and fixing the car with a fever instead of taking care of himself. But it's ingrained in him that Men Don't Get Sick.

 

I've seen it both ways: men get man colds VS real men don't get sick. It's a social/family cultural thing.

 

And I think that "mom guilt" comes into play with women who will power through everything. Unless the children are helpless, like toddlers and preshoolers, there's no reason for a woman to power through being sick. It's also a cultural thing. I know a lot of women who feel a lot of guilt about things in their life and I don't get it. I don't feel guilty when I'm sick and the kids eat a microwave dinner for lunch. I just don't. I don't feel guilty if I'm lying on the couch and they're bored. (As long as they're old enough that they won't get hurt if I'm napping while they're awake.). But I know a number of moms that feel guilty about a lot of things that I just don't get. But in my family culture, there wasn't that mom guilt thing, but I've noticed that in the women who feel guilty all the time, it's in their mother's and grandmother's generation as well to feel that way. If they take a day off, they feel bad about it.

 

And all this is so entrenched within a person that they Do Not Understand someone of the other persuasion. Men who Don't Get Sick don't understand someone lying on the couch when there's work to be done. Women who Power Through don't understand how a grown woman could lie around when she's only got a low grade fever. Just take meds and get up! And vice versa.

Yup. This is it! Spot-on. DH's family culture was: Power through it. Your sick? Tired? Unhappy in general? Suck it up, there's a farm to run. And truly - the cows don't stop making milk when you are sick.

 

That wasn't really my family culture, but I'm Type A enough that I adopted a lot of that attitude. You don't stay in bed, you get up. You don't take a nap, you get stuff done.

 

My MIL still went to work when she was going through cancer treatment. She stuck on a wig and went.

[Night Elf]

I think it's probably a result of our society's role for men and women. In today's society, it seems that marriages are supposed to be 50/50 and both parents equally care for the kids. However, I truly believe that we still carry over the traditional roles. Even when women work full time, doesn't it seem like they are still responsible for house and kids? So when a woman gets sick, she has to power through because of her family responsibilities. A man, OTOH, has more down time to baby his cold. He may go to work but when at home, he rests.

 

FWIW, neither my ex-husband or my DH suffer from the stereotypical man cold. I don't recall ever seeing either of them down for the count when sick.

[Pawz4me]

 

Because of my experience, I not only don't get the "man cold" memes and jokes, I find them insulting.  (I know this thread is not meant to be insulting but information-seeking.)  To me those jokes are just another way of showing how men are stupid and inferior to women. 

 

FWIW, I didn't get them either until I met DH. His name could be beside the definition of "man cold" in the dictionary.

 

I understood then.

 

But is it really a man thing or just differences in individual perception or tolerance? I don't know. My father was stoic. My brother is the type who'll keep going until he drops. DH's dad was the kind who seemed to mostly ignore feeling bad. His brother seems to be the same way. So I have no idea where DH got his penchant for the dramatic from.

 

I'll never forget the time DH and both boys were sick. DH's was (IMO) relatively minor but I was becoming increasingly worried about the boys. Both were running fairly high fevers that weren't responding to medication and getting them to drink enough to stay hydrated was challenging. I said something to DH about maybe needing to take them to the doctor and he said "What, are they sick, too?" He was so caught up in hisownself he hadn't even noticed that his kids were (IMO) *much* sicker than he was. SMH 

 

But FWIW both boys have turned out to be stoics (or at least so far).

 

So my experience points to it being more an individual thing than widespread among males as a whole. But in truth I don't recall ever personally knowing any women who was similarly dramatic about illness.

[Katy]

I wouldn't mind the sleeping, it's the whining that drives me nuts.  "Honey, I'm siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick," or some variation every 2 minutes whenever I'm in earshot is SO ANNOYING. 

[LucyStoner]

I think it is a mix of factors, biological and cultural.  And of course, there are exceptions.  

 

I've noted and felt the cultural and family pressure.  I remember one time when we had one young toddler that my husband got sick first.  It was legitimately bad enough to merit staying home.  My father was APPALLED that I left him home alone and went to work.  My reasoning was that I only had like ten days back then and with a mom with cancer and a toddler and such, I needed to save the days for when I was sick or when I was required to provide caregiving to someone who truly couldn't manage on their own.  Later that week, our son and I both got ill.  My dad was so relieved that I was "staying home to take care of my husband."  I'm like, uh I'm home now because I'm sick and my kid is sick.  My husband recovered, and we decided he should get back to work, so I stayed home for myself and the toddler.  And my father was very approving that my husband headed back to work.  With no slight thought as to whom was supposed to take care of toddler and me.  So when he was sick, he was entitled to a wife to take care of him, and when I was sick, I was supposed to take care of my husband and child and not worry about myself.  My husband doesn't see it this way at all and that was one of those times I was glad to have married a feminist.  

 

If you asked my father, he's a big supporter of equal rights for both sexes.  But when push came to shove, he saw it as my job to take care of sick people and my husband's job to get back to work, because why would I need anyone to take care of me.   :lol:

[maize]

I think it is a mix of factors, biological and cultural. And of course, there are exceptions.

 

I've noted and felt the cultural and family pressure. I remember one time when we had one young toddler that my husband got sick first. It was legitimately bad enough to merit staying home. My father was APPALLED that I left him home alone and went to work. My reasoning was that I only had like ten days back then and with a mom with cancer and a toddler and such, I needed to save the days for when I was sick or when I was required to provide caregiving to someone who truly couldn't manage on their own. Later that week, our son and I both got ill. My dad was so relieved that I was "staying home to take care of my husband." I'm like, uh I'm home now because I'm sick and my kid is sick. My husband recovered, and we decided he should get back to work, so I stayed home for myself and the toddler. And my father was very approving that my husband headed back to work. With no slight thought as to whom was supposed to take care of toddler and me. So when he was sick, he was entitled to a wife to take care of him, and when I was sick, I was supposed to take care of my husband and child and not worry about myself. My husband doesn't see it this way at all and that was one of those times I was glad to have married a feminist.

 

If you asked my father, he's a big supporter of equal rights for both sexes. But when push came to shove, he saw it as my job to take care of sick people and my husband's job to get back to work, because why would I need anyone to take care of me. :lol:

I'm really, really hoping that this sort of attitude is decreasing in more recent generations. My grandpa was just like your dad.

 

My own dad always did a hefty share of caregiving and house work. My husband not so much but that is not so much because of attitude as because he is barely managing between physical disabilities and mental illness to hold down a breadwinning job. There's really not much left over to contribute at home.

[Bluegoat]

I've always assumed that young girls get used to dealing with the TOM and (mostly) forging on with life despite that. And so at a relatively young age we get used to functioning pretty much as usual even when we're feeling sub-optimal for a good portion of every month. For women it's life as we know it. Men don't have to learn that.

 

I think there may be something to that. 

 

Something I've noticed with men - not all by any measure but a pretty common pattern - which I think may also be related is that it seems to take them a little longer to move into parent or adult mode.  One of the big complaints I hear from new moms or even young married women is that the husbands seem to think things should carry on the same way as when they were younger.  The same amount of spending money, or free time, for example. 

 

I remember my dh, who is a pretty responsible guy, was really scandalized with the idea that the wife of someone he knew demanded that her husband give up buying racing cars and spending all his time racing - nothing would ever make him stop spending time and money on his hobbies! 

 

Of course that isn't what happened at all, he grew up and realized that having a family means different priorities. 

 

But a lot of women seem to do this almost intuitively when they have kids - maybe even go over the top with it, while many men have to learn it.  I suspect that hormones may play a part in that.

 

Being ill can be similar, I suspect.

[shawthorne44]

DH is even like this about bruises.   He'll point to an area of his skin and say, "Look at this horrible bruise."   I'll say, "What bruise" or I'll point to an area of my skin that has a color change (unlike his) and I'll say "I don't even remember what caused this."   Yes, I'm a redhead, but his skin is pretty pale too.   For man colds I just try to grab DD and leave the house.   I'll bring him pills and water beforehand.  But the moaning and groaning drives me murderous.  

[BooksandBoys]

Ok this popped up in my notifications. So I am just going to whine a bit off topic/on topic.

 

So as I said, I am sick. It started with a slightly scratchy throat and kinda feeling icky Saturday evening, by about the kids bed time, I had to go to bed. So I did. I woke up around 11ish feeling worse, took some meds and once they kicked in, went back to bed. Sunday, woke up with my throat really irritated, tonsils swollen, feeling crappy. Took more meds, throat irritate went down, so I did some light housework-just folded some laundry, washed some dishes, made some food. Feeling better by the end of the evening, though not a hundred percent. This morning I felt pretty good. Worn out, but ok.

 

Well, I did too much, some of it necessary, but I knew, as I running around, it was going to come back. I was right. I feel exactly like I did Saturday evening.

 

 

But, I had things I needed to do and I did them. It wasn't about "powering through" it was, as I described before....stuff had to be done. DH had to work today, I had to take DD to speech, the girls had softball practice, etc etc. I suppose I could have told them no ball practice, but not even DH would have done that had the situation been reversed.

 

Anyway, DH asked me how I was doing a few times today. I am honest when people ask me. I am not dying, I will be ok, but I still feel crappy. If I feel like I have been run over by a truck I will say that I have been run over by a truck lol.

 

This is what frustrates me to no end though. Really irritates me. And that is that, any time anyone coughs or sneezes around DH, he becomes convinced he is "getting sick." Every time. So of COURSE, this morning, I get the text...."well if it makes you feel any better, I feel like crap too."

 

 

NO, it doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it irritates me. It irritates me because just once....once....I would like to just BE SICK. WIthout DH "getting sick" too. I want to be able to deal with my scratchy throat, muscle aches and cough, without having to hear him complain about his, complain about how how he is "tired of being sick" or without him making sure that his sniffles, coughs, sneezes, are just a smidge louder than mine.

 

Please, just once, can't I just be sick by my self?!?!?

This is me and my DH. Seriously, just let me be sick, already! It's not a competition!! I'm sick right now. It's fairly minor in the grand scheme of things, but I'm trying to get to bed earlier and do a bit less than I normally do. He's "sick" now too, but not really because he's still staying up too late and just fine to do anything he wants to do.

 

Being "sick" when he's not really sick but I am sick seems to be his way of avoiding picking up the slack. So, I let things slide because I'm sick, then I get to catch everything back up when I feel better. Ultimately, this is the reason that I used to just power through, and still usually do: I hate the catching up period. And I can't even argue with him about it because he legitimately seems to believe that he's sick. Maybe he is? Who knows?

 

Please forgive my mood. I'm tired and sick. 😜

[shawthorne44]

Has anyone else had their husband say something like, "You have to stop being sick now because I'm sick".    
He only said that once, but I'm pretty sure he's thought it more often and kept quiet.  I was REALLY upset the one time he said it.  

 

[Farrar]

In our house, I'm the whiny, pathetic one when sick. Dh can barely tell when he's sick. It's like, he has all the symptoms but he is so out of touch with his body that he can't tell when something is worse or better. It's totally bizarre to me.

[Spy Car]

It is strange because I consider myself a stoic and a tough SOB, I can endure pain, deprivation, lack of sleep, exposure to the elements, lack of food, an insane amount of stress, and push through in good humor.

 

But a "man-cold"? Honestly, while is is very rare for me to get sick, when I do I'm generally out cold. Off to bed. The world turns without me.

 

Don't know why, but that's the way it is.

 

Bill

[solascriptura]

It is strange because I consider myself a stoic and a tough SOB, I can endure pain, deprivation, lack of sleep, exposure to the elements, lack of food, an insane amount of stress, and push through in good humor.

 

But a "man-cold"? Honestly, while is is very rare for me to get sick, when I do I'm generally out cold. Off to bed. The world turns without me.

 

Don't know why, but that's the way it is.

 

Bill

Thanks for chiming in! I'm glad to get the male perspective without any defensiveness. I need to agree. My d can endure a lot of pain and stress, but viral colds? Nope. I do have to say that with his cold he doesn't expect any extra babying. He just wants to sleep and be left alone. I throw some Advil at him occasionally too. I love the guy though. So this thread was started out of genuine curiosity and not frustration.

[Spy Car]

Thanks for chiming in! I'm glad to get the male perspective without any defensiveness. I need to agree. My d can endure a lot of pain and stress, but viral colds? Nope. I do have to say that with his cold he doesn't expect any extra babying. He just wants to sleep and be left alone. I throw some Advil at him occasionally too. I love the guy though. So this thread was started out of genuine curiosity and not frustration.

 

That's me too. I don't need nursing or babying, I just sleep.

 

Sometimes, especially if feverish,  I imagine that the tribe is moving on without me, but I've been wrapped in warm furs and tucked into the brush, and that I'll catch up in a few days when I'm better (or perish in the wilderness alone).

 

Works for me :D

 

Bill